Bonus Mom = Expansion of Heart

You know I never wanted kids, at least not as I got older I mean. When I was around 5 was about the last time I played mommy and daddy with my friends, but then we started playing teacher after that. 

I don’t remember being one of those little girls who always wanted a baby …at least I really don’t think I was. Definitely not past…again 5…interesting (maybe something to think about another time...?)

I also thought I had another very good reason for not wanting children. My temper. I thought I would be a terrible mother because I would lose my temper and beat the shit out of my kid.  I think I understand it now as I thought I wouldn’t have enough patience and that I thought would snap… the temper I had would actually turn into physical violence. Yes, I would be curious to know where that came from. I don’t recall my mother ever being like that. I mean, I think there were times she got frustrated with us, but I don’t remember ever being In fear of her. 

The thought of doing physical violence toward anyone who would or has hurt a child gets me so riled up so much so that I’m gonna try to find a job in a field related to that field -not police work or victim support -not ready to dive all the way in, but I want to maybe dip my toe in the water…

But back to the subject at hand…

Over the course of my relationship with B, there were a couple times I took a pregnancy test and I was disappointed I wasn’t pregnant. 

I know he’s such a great dad. He was meant to be a father. I’ve been there to watch him with A since before the moment of conception and I love the parts of her that are totally him (😝 well I’m not a fucking saint and don’t want to know about how she’s like her mom 😇😈)

I am desperate to meet A and start being a part of her life …and terrified. What if she doesn’t like me?? But that is another reality. I definitely have myself in a bubble. Just having some major realizations right now. So big …

What our new reality could be - 

We share our kids - share time with….

I bet they’d be thrilled, but it would be necessary. That would be part of us becoming real. 

Anyway, here we are and V is in so many ways, also my kid. Difference being that I got him when he was 14. He’s 17 now. 3 years of watching him go though the highs and lows of his new life here in MN, in new schools and with new friends and girlfriends. 

O occasionally shows me pictures and videos of him when he was younger, and it makes me a bit wistful and I wish I could have known him from the start. To see him as a helpless little baby to grow into a toddler and then also see if I see the little boy in him that he sees in himself that he wanted to be. 

I’m so grateful she shares him with me so openly and willingly. She has trusted me with him from the start. What a gift! 

I love helping him do anything that he wanted to do when he was young that makes him feel like a boy. There’s just something about being able to make this kid happy that is just bringing out such joy and love in myself. 

I’m feeling so much love for everyone in my life. My heart is expanding at such a quick rate…the more I love someone, the more it expands (I feel like there’s a poem in there somewhere.) 

Yeah, right, yeah I get it now. I get what you feel, baby (B) … and I think that’s kind of the dynamic we needed for our ourselves in this relationship lol. I’m happy to be your baby too. Wait did I say that out loud?? Yes, yes I did, but really I just mean that I love how much you care for me and take care of me. I mean it just feels….I just feel so loved. It’s the best thing ever. 

V coming into my life and your  love for me B is what’s started the expansion. 

It’s like I’ve got this great big security net wrapped around my world and I can’t fail. I can’t lose. I can’t fail at life. 

That’s an incredible feeling. Everyone should have people in their life that make them feel like this, whether it be romantic or not.

Who knew that loving somebody so much like this, wanting to make sure they’re given all the unconditional love and support and created and fulfilled and satisfied is everything you know and it’s definitely different than how I love B….I mean he takes care of me and that means I can take care of V and I don’t know if that’s how it’s supposed to work, but it feels really good and I’m very grateful for experiencing both. I don’t know if any of that makes sense but I hope it does 😬

And I’m learning that being a mom means that you drive your kid around even when you’re sick because he needs to go places, wants to go places and he’s got friends to see and spend time with and his happiness comes first. 

While I’m thinking about it…I can’t wait to spend more of this un-selfishness on my man too 😬 When he lets me do stuff for for him, I love it - especially since he knows what stuff I will actually DO and won’t end up doing 😂😂 maybe that’s something I should be working on you know, more action less words, but I don’t know. 

I think there should be something to be said for knowing the people that you love and accepting them for the way they are (while still making sure you get what you need and deserve 😏)  the things that make them happy in whatever way you can …

I’m thinking about the people in my immediate circle right now the most. For example, O, what makes her happy is that, after she gets home after working three days in a row, she just needs quiet and silence. She’s always got a lot going on in her head. 

…so you know that’s the interesting part about living with somebody for so long... 

and I wonder what my love likes...so honey what do you like when you get home from work?? 

Do you like a little time for yourself but first a big long hug and kiss?? 😝 What do you want? What do you want when you walk in the door when you get home?

What can I do to ease tension from your shoulders and show you how much I love you ♥️ xo 

How do you want to spend the rest of your nights? I want to spend mine with you. 

Money Changes Everything

Since the arrival of some lost wages checks, I am totally spinning around and yet I’m paying bills and I’m getting things done but all I can see is more fixing of things and replacing of things and giving people what they want, giving my family what they want and thinking about my future and it feels really good, but then I have this feeling of guilt for having needed people‘s help for so long - yes, I’m thinking of you my love….

Though it really does feel good to give I’m finding as I help O & V get some little things they’ve been wanting to get…e.g. further proof of how amazing V is, he wanted to get his best friend some birthday presents and it didn’t cost more than 60 bucks.

I guess this is just further motivation for me just to hurry up and get a job so I can use this money for useful things instead of survival. Yeah, I don’t wanna have to use that money, that big check for the mortgage and HOA and bills…so yeah, so why don’t I think about work and finding a job instead of focusing on all this other shit??

I could start again with DSP roles since I’ve had proper training and the Red Cross CPR certificate so that’s a good thing…but find places that just serve seniors ….so senior overnight companion not a nursing assistant. 

I am asking myself is there enough engagement in that job though?? I get a lot of engagement with V and his friends so that’s something to think about… I’ve been saying I wanna work with youth, but I think the interactions I have with V and his friends actually is enough right now, so maybe I just need to tap into the part of me that really cares about people and wants to help people but just not sell them anything. 

My ultimate true desire is for people to see the good and positive in themselves. Feel as good about themselves as they could. 

So what job is that? Maybe that’s a conversation for ChatGPT! 

I’ve been doing so much thinking about this ever since quitting OP. I’m truly lucky that B is my biggest fan and I just want to share that feeling with others. 

Ha!

And I think I’m on the rollercoaster - the part of the ride that is just in front of the upward climb. 

At least I hope so. The first check came from PMA and there’s gonna be other money coming in from them and the state of MN and in various amounts and I’m gonna have to try to figure out how to get everything paid, and get a different car and make sure I save some and just get myself back on track and then stay steady for a while again.

I’m tired of the feast or famine that has been my financial life. I think I’m learning though…my first form of self discipline was practiced today and that is that I’m not going to order food even though there’s money in my account. 

See, my problem has been that if there’s money in my account, if I spend some, more money will magically appear when I need it and while there’s checks in the mail. I can’t count on it 💯 and when money doesn’t show up after all, I end up in the negative and with fees and not having enough to cover the bills…and what I have right now in the bank is for the car insurance payment. And I want desperately to order food. But I won’t. We have plenty of food here in the house. 

Self-control. Something I’ve have a problem with in regards to money …and in regards to food. But that’s another story for another time! 

But to get my head back to thinking about things I am not stressing out about, I’m so damn lucky to have the people I have in my life. You know if you have the right people in your life, you can survive anything. I feel rich in every other way. 

It’s maybe time I tried to put ALL the parts of me and my life into some kind of balance. 

Happy Birthday B

Happy Birthday My Love

Another year older, another year of surviving lots of changes, of ups and downs, and you’ve gotten through them and stayed yourself through everything. 

When your mother delivered you, I bet she had no idea of the kind of man you’d grow up to be and I think she should really be proud of the man you are.

You have the biggest heart. You really care about the people in your life and want to help them and do things for them and make their lives easier and that is such a wonderful quality. It’s just one of the many reasons I love you as much as I do.

I think your family takes you for granted, but I hope they also appreciate all of the things that you do for them as a brother, an uncle, a son, a nephew and especially as a father. You give so much to everyone and if you hadn’t come into this world, I think we’d all feel like there was something very important missing. I know I would. 

When you think about what it takes to create a human being in the first place - the miracle of life - and then what it takes for a good man to grow up in the family that you grew up with, there’s a lot that could have gone wrong but you came out of it being a good person and that takes a lot of strength and bravery and fearlessness. Just knowing that you want to do the best for the people in your life is one of your many wonderful qualities. 

You deserve every happiness and love and appreciation. 

Human beings aren’t just one-sided beings. When we’re born, we’re a blank slate and growing up, we get to decide who we’re going to be and I love how you’ve grown and changed and evolved as a man, including how you’ve changed throughout the course of our relationship. 

I appreciate how hard you work to make me happy. It’s a gift that I don’t take for granted. I love how you tell me and show me how much you love me and I’ll say it again, I’m so glad you were born because I don’t even want to think about what my life would be like if you weren’t in it. 

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. 

My birthday wish for you is that you get what you want out of life, experience more contentment and joy than ever before and really know and feel how much you are loved. 

I love you truly, madly, deeply.

Xoxo 💋♥️💕

Betsy part I

AKA Life w/out Betsy

It’s been days since I’ve driven her. She’s just been sitting in the garage, resting. I’ve been told that she should be put out to pasture, but I’m fighting it hard. She’s been such a good car, probably the best car I’ve ever had, even better than Suzette. Well, maybe it’s a tie between Betsy and Suzette. I’ve had them about the same amount of time and the work that they needed was kind of similar actually from a financial standpoint…so OK so that’s also reminding me that I’ve survived this before. I’ll survive it again. 

There’s a new car for me out there to love and to take good care of me and family while we drive around town getting back-and-forth to school and work and errands and not being trapped here at home …though it’s kind of a nice trap sometimes ….but it’s also been really great for us to have two cars  —— helps a lot when there’s a kid in the mix. 

And part of the reason I’m gaining weight back is that I’m not doing any of the physical activity I was when driving’s  I need that stair workout, it helps! 

     I really hope this new med works and the side effects are less terrible! 

So here we are halfway through March and the job at Opportunity Partners didn’t work out and I’m back to a just one, this unpaid leave from Dragonfly …

I’m supposed to be getting the first check any day now…though yeah I was totally right frame in my head in quotes “check is in the mail” …quotes being the code for - ha ha you’ll be lucky if you get it! 

And there’s supposed to be more eventually.

In the meantime, need to find a new job -  companion, not caregiver. 

Need to find a new car,

I need to get back on infusions (which means first I need to pay off my co-pay past due balance) which means I need to get some money, real money cause 

I also need to pay the March mortgage and the March HOA fee…

*sigh* 

so that’s the state of Sam at this particular moment in time.

And it’s HIS birthday tomorrow. And for the first time ever (or at least in over a decade) I’m not prepared at all and it’s the day before and what the fuck am I gonna do???? 

So it’s either gonna be (thank God for) DoorDash and delivery cause I could find a card and something and have it delivered tomorrow (not asking for today while there’s a blizzard going on…not without giving a super big tip which would eat into the funds I have) …

Hmmm so now to think about or research….go the traditional route or do a birthday post here in the blog…

Share my thoughts and feelings about his being born with the world this time instead of just keeping between us. 

Speaking of that, somebody recently asked how many people read it and I said I don’t know …but that there was somewhere I could look …from the last time I looked I have more than just one reader and so if you are one of the people reading this, well thank you! ♥️♥️ 

I know I don’t post a whole lot but what is posted feels important enough to me that I want it to be documented and ….

And who are we kidding, it’s also another way of “hearing” myself talk about me 😂😂😂😂

But seriously, I just need a place to express myself and do another thing I love, which is writing. 

Before I stop for today, question…to have more coffee or not?? My home cold brew concoctions are really quite tasty.

Onward and upwards. 

Thanksgiving week 2025

I got my first hug from B yesterday - since we got back together - and it was EVERYTHING. 

He is my rock. I am loved. I'm cared for. I have someone I can say anything to. I can be 1000% myself. 

Love comes in so many varieties, and they all count. 

People that know don't necessarily approve. I get it. I've shared more about my feelings on the "bad" more than I've shared "good" so yeah...we all love me and want to see me get what I want. 

And I still want what I wanted before. 

And I will ask him to talk about it. We need to tear down some of the walls that we've built and built-up the last few years.

Is he my "Mr. Big"? Or is he my "lobster"? He is both. 

And that's all there is to it.

New Chapter

https://youtu.be/oHs98TEYecM?si=PMdpGaEtjXUo5TFA

Choosing someone who makes me feel safe, loved and cared for and I get to be unapologetically myself. Yes. 

Welcome back B 

We have our own vows - and I do - say yes to a life with him in it. 

They are about to say 'I do', three little letters, two little words. 

Its the simplest part of the day; but there is nothing simple about the things that will remain unsaid.

'I do' means I do know I could be hurt, but I am ready to be healed with you.

It means I do want to try, even when the fear of failure holds me back.

And I do not know the future, but I am ready to be surprised along the way.

'I do' means I do want your love & I do give you mine.

And nothing we do will ever be the same, because we will be doing it all together.   

I choose you, only you my love.