What am I up to?

It's almost 3am and as usual I'm not ready to go to sleep yet. I'm tired but not going to just lie there tossing and turning for an hour so I'll just go to bed when I know I'll fall asleep.

Should I be sad that most people I know have a schedule that's completely the opposite of mine? Being a night owl is kind of a solitary lifestyle. I know there are others out there but I haven't connected with them yet. Actually I kinda like my late nights the way they are. I can get into my jammies, turn on the computer and see what the world wide web has for me. Latest episodes of favorite TV shows, email, facebook updates, google searches and these blog posts.

I've been feeling like I'm treading water again...just swimming in place through my life. Yet I also feel like I'm waiting for something but I'm not sure what it is. That's not quite true...I'm waiting for my birthday this summer. I'm waiting for my "weekend". I'm waiting for my new shift at work to start. I'm waiting for payday. I'm waiting for summer to officially be here. I'm waiting for the season finale of "Bones" (they're gonna do it!) I'm waiting to re-connect with old friends and see if I can handle it. I'm waiting for my next date w/B.

I'm also feeling like I should volunteer/go to those yoga classes/take a sample improv class (my roommate can hook me up)/look for a new job or decide to pursue further education. Either way I'm trying to live life again. Get out there and have some fun. It's about bloody time. I've been a hermit of sorts for too long now. I got hurt and decided the best way to not get hurt again was by keeping to myself but what has that really gotten me? Not much (luckily R & C came into my life and S has stuck around even though we rarely see each other)

I sometimes wonder if this is it? As Jack Nicholson's character "Melvin" in "As Good As It Gets" says "What if this is as good as it gets?" (I need to keep telling myself that life doesn't have to be a TV show, movie or a book.) After some of my travels the past couple of years the "no matter where you go, there you are" thought really sunk in. I used to think that if I went to a new city I could become someone different (because no one would know my history other than how I would tell it) but that's not the full reality. The reality is that I would still be that same person that has to work, buy groceries, do laundry, make new friends, look for love, occasionally get help from brother and parents, take care of kitty, sometimes gets sad/depressed/lonely and put my pants on one-leg-at-a-time just like everyone else.

I also sometimes wonder if my expectations for life are too high or something. I've said that I know what I don't want but haven't able to put into words what I do want. I can't stop wondering if it's OK that I'm almost 40 and living life like I'm still 25 (childless, careerless (my job is just a job) and not a homeowner (no offense to 25 year olds who have their shit together and have all that). I know I shouldn't compare my life to others but I'm just so afraid that I'm going to have to justify why I live my life so freely and independently (and selfishly?)

Bah! I'm over thinking things as usual. Life is just the choices you make (or don't make) and if you just try to be the best person you can be every day and treat others like you want to be treated then why worry about anything else? I guess I just want some sign to point me in a direction. I want something to come along and either light a fire under me or kick my ass. Or maybe I'm wanting someone to come along and rescue me from myself.

Don't you just love all this thinking out loud that I do here? I swear I'm done with this topic for awhile. I know I'm sounding like a broken record.

It's been a swell couple of days otherwise. Really did have a great time at R's party the other night. It's got me thinking about having a party for my b-day this year. Haven't had one for years and I think I'm overdue. So as long as I'm still living here in July and my roommate is cool with it, I'll have a party. I can embrace the part of my younger self that was social and wanted to have fun while still being the older, wiser self that I hope I've become.

What I really should have done

Was take today, Sunday off. I think I'm still inebriated. R's B-day party last night. (Actual B-day today...Happy Birthday R!). Thank god get to go in late. It was a fun party 1. Met some cool chicks 2. people enjoyed my made-from-a-box birthday cake 3. sang some songs for "Rock Band" and 4. flirted like a shameless hussy with his roommates (who both have girlfriends). I'm a bad girl.

Must go get ready for work now. It will be a very long day.

It's a bloggy world out there

Oh what a beautiful warm, sunny day here in Minneapolis. Day off and I've been fairly productive so far. Out to get some groceries and now cooking. Making my yummy chicken salad and a meatloaf. I think some co-workers or my parents are going to benefit from the meatloaf as I didn't realize I was using ground turkey. I got some groceries from my brother when he thought he was moving to FL and what I thought was ground beef was ground turkey. I, Sam Jones, do not like ground turkey. I just don't care for it. Now, since I made it though, I'll give it a try but I'm not optimistic (Tried it. Nope, don't care for it)

So in the wee small hours of the night (after a wonderful date w/B where we enjoyed A & W for dinner and each other for desert ;) ) I decided to do some searching for other blogs of interest. I knew I was just one of the millions but wow! There are a lot out there. I've added some to my list and I think this summer (when TV won't be the main focus in my life) I'll play catch up and read from these interesting writers. You know something? All that I've read so far leads to me to the conclusion that blog writers are an intelligent lot and good writers. Now I should have assumed that but I wasn't sure what I was going to find. I also see that I've got an awful lot of "stuff" on mine but I like the way mine looks and I like all my lists.

OK, so I'm just making a brief stop here today. Have more to do, like finishing laundry and cleaning the floors in my room. I also might, just might switch out the winter clothes for the summer clothes. Then early to bed (ha!) because have to work at 10:30am tomorrow as I've got an American Express presentation to go to (with the whole Delta merger AMEX is our new credit card partner)...the only good thing about working so early is I'll be done at 7pm. Then hopefully off on Saturday so I can go celebrate R's birthday at a normal time (as opposed to just showing up after I get off work which is what usually happens)...either way, it'll be fun.

Sign Language for this week. From Seattle Weekly.

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

It's perfectly natural to focus on the negative when shit goes down. It's still a bad habit, though, one that's more likely to worsen a situation than improve it. Even in the worst of times, the blessings in your life outweigh the crap—by quite a bit! Notice that. You actually have a multitude of reasons to feel happy even during those seemingly high-stress moments. See if you can keep enough of those blessings in mind to keep a genuine smile on your face, even as you navigate the hurdles and stumbling blocks life throws your way. You'll find, happily enough, that they're much easier to jump over that way—which should be just one more reason to grin.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

I wonder how much the founders of the United States anticipated about the future of their new nation. Surely they could see its potential to grow beyond the original 13 states, but it was impossible to guess exactly how the country would grow and evolve. Instead of trying to anticipate every eventuality, they sought to create a structure that could accommodate change. With your future as uncertain (and promising) as it is, trying to plot out all possible courses would be a futile waste of time. Instead, try to set yourself up to be able to roll with anything. You'll probably need to.

Will they be as funny if you didn't/don't watch the show on a regular basis?

2 of the funniest sitcom episodes I've ever seen are the following (and strangely enough they both are "holiday" themed episodes):

From the series "Two Guys, a Girl and (a Pizza Place)"







and my other favorite from "The Big Bang Theory" (this is actually what is called a minisode but it has the best parts):

Learning from mistakes

I should be going to bed now, it's almost 4 a.m. and I've got to get up and make quiche tomorrow (uh, today) before work. (We're having a little potluck sort of thing at work in celebration of a co-workers birthday and the 2 previous times I've made quiche she hasn't been there for it so I agreed to make another one ...it's pretty good if I do say so myself...as long as I don't add too much (or any) celery salt.)

I also should be asleep because I had a very exciting night last night.

After my world was rocked by the sudden appearance of that old friend yesterday, I got a call from my buddy R to see if I was free to get together and do something after my shift at the SPCO. I then asked if whatever we did could include getting [me] sloshed. I haven't done that in months and just really wanted to let off some steam. Let me tell ya, I sure do like the combination of raspberry vodka and lemonade. We had it on the rocks and it was bloody fantastic. Though next time, I'd like to try it as a blended drink (a less potent version of "Black Lemonade" consumed at Urban Mo's in San Diego ...that's a whole 'nother story I'll tell you about sometime that includes a drink made up of multiple alcoholic ingredients, wall coverings not covering a wall and having so much..."fun" I was still having "fun" on the plane on the way back to Minneapolis and at work right after)

Drinks were drunk and good conversation was had w/R and one of his roommates. An enlightening evening. A confession was made and a question asked was answered. It was good. Happily there was a comfy couch for me to sleep on as I was a good girl (no driving while intoxicated for this chickie!) But still, sleeping somewhere other than your own bed is not quite as exciting when you're approaching the big 4-0 (I know, I know, I'm only going to be 39 but I might as well be that other number already!) I managed to catch a bit of a nap after getting home this morning before work but could definitely use a good night of rest now.

Now, in case my mother IS reading this ..don't worry Mom, I'm a very infrequent drinker. :)

Had a lovely surprise waiting for me when I got home tonight. Hopped online and have heard from J. The other old friend who was dear to me and was a big part of my life before crap happened and it fell apart.

While exciting (compared to my usually quiet life) it's just all so out of the blue and I'm not sure what to think. I'm flustered and worried that I'll be self-conscious and apologetic for the person I used to be. Who was that person you ask? I don't really remember anymore so why am I so worried? It's just that I've been so focused on the here and now and just living life one moment at a time and haven't looked back. That had consequences that I'm just now realizing. I know I'm being a bit melodramatic about all of this but it's like all of a sudden I've forgotten who I am now and I need to remember who that is. Looking at those pictures I saw some of the me that was sociable and a person that lived life to the full. I think that's the person I'm trying to get back in touch with but this time around hopefully I'll do better at it in this older, wiser body/mind and soul.

Bah! Enough for now from this drama queen. Time to sleep.

When you look into the past, it finds you

My head is spinning. I think the universe is trying to tell me something and that something is that I shouldn't ignore my past so much.

I scanned pictures into the computer last night...old pictures (recent ones are awaiting developing) and now people from my past are suddenly appearing, out of the blue. OK, one just appeared and I went looking for the other but still!

I was merrily wandering my way over to St. Paul tonight, doing errands before my shift here at the SPCO and then wham! There she was. My old BF D. Outside of Punch on Grand Ave. I'll admit I haven't thought about her a lot lately and then last night, looking at pictures and then today there she is.

She was my best friend from the age of 11 up to ? We had fallen out of touch at some point then met up and spent A LOT of time together probably around 8 years ago or so. She had no problem asking me what happened...why did I not want to see her anymore and so today I told her honestly it was because of her husband. I don't recall all the details but I do remember that he was opinionated/judgmental and we disagreed strongly over things. I also remember being frustrated because we never spent time alone. He always had to be with us, whatever we were doing. Now, for the most part, we had fun. Playing games and eating good food but there were very different lives being lived and I guess I thought we had reached the end of our road. But we exchanged numbers and she assured me that she would like us, sans hubby, to get together and I think that would be nice and/or interesting.

How is it that you can being going-on-40 and the minute you see someone you knew when you were a child -you're instantly taken back in time and it's like no time has past?

I have done a stellar job at moving forward and surrounding myself with new friends while never, ever looking back at some old ones. Was that a mistake? Nah, not going to beat myself up for choices I made in the past.

Then, in curiousity I decided to just see if another old friend featured in pictures, J, was on facebook. He is. I sent a friend request and if he responds, great and if not, that's OK too. That one also didn't "end" well.

I was a messed up puppy in my 20's and friendships suffered because of it. I would hope that I'm not the same person I was...in fact, I know I'm not. I got therapy and dealt with a lot of crap.

I just don't know if it's a good idea to reconnect with people from your past. Especially if you can't move past the past and see if there is enough for a present and future friendship. Maybe it's enough to just honor people that were part of your life for however long they were in your life and move on.

Let's take a trip down memory lane

In further conversation with that passenger I traded emails with last week, we talked about helpful, inspirational reading which brought to mind a book I read in my 20's titled "On a Clear Day You Can See Yourself..." by Sonya Friedman.It made a HUGE impact on my self-esteem and confidence. In it she outlined 9 Facts of Life and I took those 9 "facts" to heart and copied them down into every journal I kept for the next couple of years. They became a permanent part of my subconscious and made my life bearable. (I won't get into all the details of why I thought life was so hard at the time because frankly I don't remember why!) I think they're still important and being reminded of them won't hurt me any. (They are now posted and residing here ..well actually over there -----> (scroll down a bit)) While looking through the journals to find what I needed, I noticed in the back of a couple of them some poetry and quotes I had copied down from various authors/books and I'll share a couple of "gems" I liked.

These are from a journal kept between August/September 1994 to March 11, 1995

"I've suffered a lot of catastrophes in my life - many of which never occurred"
Mark Twain

----isn't that freakin' brilliant???

and a cool poem by ?? (didn't make any note of her name, but maybe it'll come to me)

Love me with your whole heart
or give no love to me
Half-love is a poor thing,
neither bond nor free

You must love me gladly
soul and body too,
or else find a new love
and goodbye to you

And now from a journal kept between August 3 and December 22, 1995. Some favorites written by Dorothy Parker.

The Flaw In Paganism

Drink and dance and
laugh and lie,
Love, the reeling
midnight through.
For tomorrow we
shall die!
(But alas, we never do)

(I wonder at these choices of poems I wanted to "keep" when I was a young 'un at that tender age of 25/26.)

Unfortunate Coincidence

By the time you swear
you're his,
shivering and sighing,
and he vows his
passion is infinite,
undying -
Lady, make a note
of this:
One of you is lying.

Experience

Some men break your
heart in two,
some men fawn and
flatter,
some men never look
at you;
and that clears up
the matter.

Ah, the memories. I had been introduced to Dorothy Parker by a roommate of S's at the time when he still lived here in MN. Her sharp wit was appealing to my cynical self. I read a lot of her poetry and then watched "Dorothy Parker and the Vicious Circle" (wasn't Jennifer Jason Leigh's portrayal of her excellent?). Most of what I copied down is of the "aren't men bastards" persuasion. Yeah, I can see that appealing to me around that time. I'm sure it was during one of the "off" times with B. Being a drama queen I loved stuff that said what I wanted to say in a more ...dramatic fashion.

While the anal part of me wants to now take every single journal and add them to my computer (so I don't have to lug the box of them around), I won't. I don't think I could bear to re-live the past while typing it up or catching glimpses while scanning pages into the computer. Besides, what would I do with these lovely books (because I liked buying artsy journals) when I was done? The whole point being to get rid of them. Maybe I could have a bonfire and burn them in a symbolic gesture of erasing the past. Invite friends over and make it a party. Nah. I've got more important things to do with my time right? Right.

As I was digging through boxes, I also wanted to pull out my photo albums so I can scan and post pictures that will soon jazz up my Facebook page. Choosing photos was an interesting job. I'm opting for some not-so-recent photos of family and friends and very few of myself (the ones of me are where I don't look stupid or have an awful haircut -there are a LOT of those!) I'm reminded again that I really should get the rolls of film I've had forever developed, since they'll have the more recent photos.

It's a gorgeous day and as usual, I'm inside. But I'm being productive! I'm doing laundry and doing this blog entry. Later I'll be scanning photo's on to the computer. I'm just so glad to not be working today.

Yeah! A new week of TV!

So it's Monday night and I just got home from work a little bit ago. It was a long day (could have left early but I hung in there) and the good attitude I had about going to work is waning. But I'll keep at it as it's the responsible thing to do. 3 more days and then it's the "weekend" again. I was going to try to get to FL this week but alas must postpone as I can't get rid of an orchestra shift for Friday night (and I'm not gonna run any risk of not getting a flight back to town in time for it that day) so...la la la. Will just try for next week.

I'm so happy it's Monday night...mainly because it's a brand-new week full of new episodes of my favorite shows. Woo-hoo! (It's not wrong to take pleasure from the simple things in life right?)

I finally watched that new ABC cop show "The Unusuals" last night and it was OK. I'll give it another watch next week and see if my feelings become stronger about it. I'm passing on the new "Cupid" though. I really really like the original version that had Paula Marshall and Jeremy Piven as the lead actors. It's a great premise but even the original just didn't catch fire and the reviews for the new one are not great. Not that I care about reviews so much it's just that, like most things, I don't do well with seeing new actors in roles previously played by other (better?) actors. Other examples include ...?? Of course I'm drawing a blank right now! I'm sure I'll think of some before I'm done writing this.

So stopped over at my parent's house last Friday night for a bit and showed my mom how to get to my blog and now I'm all self-conscious about my writing. I don't know if she will actually read it but if she does, I hope she likes it. She's a good writer and I want her to be proud of me. I also told her this would be a good way for her to get to know the me that I am now. I also wanted to show them both that I set them up for Facebook but Pop was dealing with back pain and Mom had had a bad day herself physically so skipped it. I'll try again some other day.

I'm trying to decide if I should continue watching episodes of "Remington Steele" ...oh! There is an example of replacing actors (though this one isn't quite a perfect example 'cause they do it repeatedly) Pierce Brosnan as "James Bond". Anyway, I'm up to season 3, episode 6 but it's not available. Hulu can't get some music rights for some episodes so if I want to continue watching I'm going to have to skip episodes and I hate to do that. As long as I'm going to all the trouble to watch a series from start to finish, I want them all, in order! I guess that's a bit a*#l of me but that's me. I prefer to always start something from the beginning whenever possible with no blanks in the middle. OK, OK, I'll do it but I don't like it.

The other night, after getting caught up on current shows, I went trolling around for some other faves and was able to watch the first season of "Two Guys, A Girl (and a Pizza Place)" I loved that show! When I had cable oh-so-long ago, they were running episodes on WE TV and for some reason it always seemed like they only ran the last 2 seasons and not the first 2 so again I'm thrilled to be able to watch a series from start to finish. What I really love is when I get to see an episode that I hadn't seen before. I'll postpone watching more though for the rest of the week 'cause I'll have enough of current TV to keep up with.

Not much else going on this week. Work, TV and hopefully spending time w/B (again :) he was breakfast this morning...woo-hoo!)

This week's horoscopes from Seattle Weekly.

Sign Language by Caerial Crestin

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

500 yards from the finish line in an epic road race, you get a flat tire. Do you soldier on and just roll across it with a bum wheel? Probably. How about if the flat occurs a mile from the end, or five, or 20? At some point you'd make a decision to stop and fix the damn thing before proceeding. It's all about guessing what will be best in the long and short run (and acknowledging that there's frequently a conflict between the two). Where do you draw that line between "make do" and "make it right?" This week, like it or not, you'll need to figure that out.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

The QWERTY layout of most modern keyboards is inefficient and counter intuitive by design. An early version of the typewriter jammed up if the keys were pressed in rapid succession, so its inventor sought a way to slow typists down. He came up with the layout we currently use, which makes many of the most-used keys harder to reach, so his invention would work as intended. Now we're more or less stuck with it. You, too, sort of put up obstacles to your own evolution, way back when, to slow it down. You had good reasons at the time, but they're no longer valid. Luckily you don't have an entire industry stopping you from getting rid of them and adopting something more intuitive and efficient. Please do.

To read yours:
http://www.seattleweekly.com/2009-04-08/diversions/sign-language/

Ah, a beautiful spring day and so far a lovely one. Was going to go to FL to visit aunt but that's been rescheduled for next week. So am going to hang out at home today and just rest and relax.

Had a phone conversation with my mother in which it came up in conversation that she would like me to forgive biological father (aka the asshole) for not being a part of my life. She's mellowing in her own attitude toward him and is being grateful that he at least gave her 2 beautiful children. It only took her 40+ years to come around to feeling this way. She did love him and probably would have stayed with him had he not become the asshole he did. Whoa! Good for her for feeling this way.

I don't know if I'm ready to forgive him yet. My Pop became my father and has been my father in every sense of the word. He filled the gap and left me not wanting for the real thing. Mom thinks that my feelings toward the asshole are getting in the way of my happiness (we didn't get into all the reasons) especially when it comes to my feelings about relationships with men. Is she right? I don't know but it's something to think about.

Also today, was encouraged about writing from unexpected source.

The other day, one of the women I had tried to help find flights for, at the end of the conversation asked me for my email. She wanted to send me a copy of an essay she was probably going to write, so I gave it to her. This is how that all played out (so far and I'll copy the highlights)

...Last night I had a truly wonderful experience with a servant [her essay was religious in nature]. She showed concern and helpfulness that went beyond the norm. When have we exclaimed about the “extra mile” a ticket agent has walked for us? Well, this woman at a certain airline’s 800 number gave me a new picture of service.

She not only carefully listened to the need I had—an award ticket around noon on a certain day—but cheerfully tried every means at her disposal to find the best possible deal. She made my search her own, all the while entertaining me with her commentary on the ins and outs of flying. I should have known I had connected with somebody special when she picked up the phone laughing.

How often do we come away from a situation like this disgruntled, weary of “the system?” Because of her genuine attempt to help, even though she couldn’t come up with a ticket to meet my needs, I put down the phone with a smile. Refreshing! Her attitude made all the difference. Maybe others would have searched as long and as hard as she did, but I’ve never known one to do it with such humor and good nature.

[Now my reply to her] ...Thank you for this. I've had people talk to my supervisors and "sing my praises" but never has anyone gone to this extent to make me feel good about what I do.

It's stuff like this that keeps me going some days.

I'll be honest, I'm not a particularly religious person having spent quite a few years when I was a lot younger as a Jehovah's Witness. I won't bore you with the story but I walked away from religion but not spirituality. So I was bit surprised to see how you incorporated your experience with me into this but it was nice. I will keep this and re-read it again, especially when I'm feeling discouraged about the job.

[Her turn again]...Thank you for taking the time to reply. Hey - that story would NOT be boring to me--in fact, I "collect" stories that can help other people!! And I've never had one about the J.W. scenario, so please, if you wish, send it along!! And I have two grown children in just about the same spiritual realm as you--it's pretty common w/your age group. I'll admit, this time it was tough to integrate my two experiences, but finally, there it WAS...Jesus saw the HEART, and you are all about heart, that's obvious.

I can also see you're a good writer, just from your reply (I teach expository writing @ the college level) - I do encourage you to write out your story, whether you send it to me or not--writing is such a POWERFUL tool for living--The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron taught me so much about this.

[My turn again]...Thank you for more lovely words Gail.

My mother [part of why she sold me her laptop so cheaply] has been encouraging to write the story of my life (there has been multiple step-fathers, moving a LOT (including out of the country) and various other exciting (or not so exciting?) things and of course a big part involves the religion, but it's a long story so I'm dragging my feet a bit. I guess I could just start and take it one year at a time.

In the meantime, I blog (I know, I know, who doesn't these days?). I started it recently and am LOVING the freedom to express myself. I do love writing, just lack the discipline to do it seriously. Maybe that will change the more I do it.

I've always been a bookworm and then when I took creative writing in High School it gave me some formal education about actually writing.

I haven't done the college thing so am glad you liked my email and are encouraging me to continue writing.

What a nice experience this is turning out to be! I do believe that people are brought in to your life for a reason and I do feel that He is looking out for me (I just don't want to have to follow anyone else's rules for how my relationship is with Him) and am happy we've exchanged these emails.

If you're interested in the blog, I'll send you the link (won't presume to just send it to you now)

...If I do write the story, I'll send it on to you -well, the religious part of it anyway.

----

Nice huh? I think the thing about deciding to have a better attitude about work is paying off. It's not a perfect job but I'm getting out of it what I put into it.

I know I said I wouldn't but...

I guess I have a couple of things to say about "Remington Steele"...things that keep popping up as a hmm...

1. It's funny to watch a show where people still have to stop and use pay phones because cells weren't what they are today. Oh sure, there were some car phones but that was about it.

2. How sad is that even in the 80's women still weren't quite as respected as men in the business world. Here we have a smart, capable woman who has to invent a man to front her detective agency in order to get business. I mean, sure this is a fictional show but the fact that it was picked up as a series meant that it was somewhat something people/women could relate to. It wasn't a far-fetched, out of this world concept.

3. Years ago when I used to watch shows that were set in CA, I used to think it was just not a state I'd care to visit (have no interest in "Hollywood" and all that jazz) but after now having been to San Fransisco and San Diego (plus being a person that hates winter more and more every year) I can see the appeal to living in a state that has a nice climate year-round. FL too. No snow. Imagine year-round green grass, trees and flowers and then no bloody snow. There seem to be a lot of nice little towns that have nothing to do with show business -uh, not that I can think of any right this second...


4. I'm really admiring the character of "Laura Holt". While she is attracted to "Remington", she refuses to just give in to her baser urges when it comes to him and their relationship. Now of course, it was written that way otherwise no series, but she stated fairly early on in the series that she wouldn't sleep with him casually. It would happen only if it meant something and there was some kind of commitment between them. She is intelligent, capable and is proud of her independence. In fact, I think she might be one of the original "quirkyalone's". What is a quirkyalone you ask? Well, this is what it is: Quirkyalone noun/adj. A person who has the capacity to enjoy single life (but is not opposed to being in a relationship) and generally prefers to be alone rather than dating for the sake of being in a couple. She's one of the first I've seen on TV who isn't obsessed with getting married and having babies and that's refreshing to see -even if the show is 20+ years old.

5. Speaking of women and this show...Pierce Brosnan's real-life wife, Cassandra Harris, is guest-starring on the episode I'm watching right now and while it's awful to speak poorly of the deceased, she's a terrible actress. Ugh. I'm tempted to just start fast-forward scenes she's in. Meow!

Ah, tomorrow (uh, today) is my "Friday". Yahoo! It's been a long week. Got pissy with one passenger yesterday. Why do I let them push my buttons? I was told once that a person's greatest strength can also be their greatest weakness and I believe that. I really like helping people but if people don't accept what I'm saying (no, I'm sorry, we don't have the space available using only 25,000 miles) and they start bitching and moaning, I get bitchy back and I HATE that. I don't want to be that person who loses their temper and has a bad attitude. This morning, before work, as I was just laying around trying to summon up the energy to get out of bed, I thought to myself that I should make some motivational mini-posters for myself that include "you cannot please all the people all the time"; "I am not responsible for anyone else's thoughts, reactions or feelings" and the little gem "you can't win 'em all". Then I went and listened to that Five Steps/Positive thinking thing and it must have done something to me 'cause today I was just in a really good, happy mood. I tried my best and didn't take on their disappointment like I normally do.

I've been frustrated at the dismal number of calls per hour I take because I just can't help myself in wanting to really just find the best flights I can for these people, for the least amount of money and/or mileage (I'll look at all partners, I'll look at different routes -anything to get these people what they want) so my calls go on and on and on...and I'll feel so bad, take it so personally when I can't accomplish it (I am only doing what I would want someone to do for me -a person who really doesn't have a lot of money and is not just being cheap or miserly with their money or miles -especially when they have a lot and refuse to use more which will get them what they want!...uh, can I really say that with the economy the way it is right now?) but today, as I found myself apologizing repeatedly because what people wanted just wasn't going to happen, something was different. I tried my best and that's all anybody asks for right? I cannot please all the people all the time. I am not responsible for anyone else's thoughts, reactions or feelings and you can't win 'em all.

I've also decided that I'm going to make it kind of a game and everyday I go to work, I'm going to see how I can learn and succeed at finding that fine line between caring/being friendly and being able to say no without feeling like it's all my fault or just go on and on with apologies and excuses. If it ain't gonna happen, end the call and move on. Not tell everyone every little thing they say that I relate to. Cut down on the chit chat and see if I can't still be a great customer service agent but with some backbone and a bit thicker of skin.

You know, I'm so glad I'm doing this blog. I don't even care if anyone reads it (OK, I'm a Leo, that's a fib) I know blogging can be a solitary, self-involved thing to do but I'm enjoying the writing process and being able to put down in words things that circle around my brain and keep from sleeping some nights.

So here they are. Five Steps to Positive Thinking

Or after listening, what I call good, common sense. In a nutshell.

1. Decide to focus on the positive. Look for the good in all situations. Focus on what's right in your world, not wrong. Make it a habit. Commit to it. (I've always called this looking for the silver lining)
2. Decide to become curious instead of judgmental -of others and yourself. (Those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones was a popular saying in my house growing up)
3. Decide to find something to appreciate from any seemingly negative person/situation. Develop habit of giving compliments. Whatever situation, appreciate what is and isn't working. (Lesson learned in my 20's -learn to take a compliment and not dismiss it. People usually don't give compliments unless they mean them (right?))
4. Decide NOT to be perfect. (This is my favorite. Already living this one! Gave up years ago) You're gonna make poor decisions, you're gonna screw up, you're gonna say things you shouldn't say, you're gonna do things you shouldn't do but instead of beating yourself up, decide what you do want -like to not to do those things again. Realize that if you are just trying to be a better person every day then it's OK to to not be perfect.
5. Decide to develop habit of using the F word (oh, I know a F word I like) but he's talking about faith. Positive thinking is really just the power to believe. Have courage to put yourself on the line and overcome fears. No matter how bad it seems, you've made it this far and if you're still standing, you're already successful.

Persistence or stubborness?

So as you may know already I've been watching episodes of "Remington Steele" (Pierce Brosnan back then sooooo does it for me)-what I haven't mentioned is that I'm approaching it with the same attitude as I did with "Bones" (though this time I am sparing you commentary). I started from the beginning and am going to keep going until the end. However, this series will be a bit more tricky to watch until the end because I have to figure out where I'm going to get the 4th season and subsequent finale movies from -for free (I'm so spoiled now. Who needs Netflix when you've got the internet and a good computer?) So I'll check my usual sources like the library and see if I don't get lucky. I'll even try graboid -what the heck, I've already paid for the cheapest membership ($4.99) and am not really using it much since most of my other shows can be found at hulu and surf the channel (the best places for free stuff I've found so far.)

Well, yeah! Just thought I'd check the graboid site and they have the 4th season. Cool. So I'll be able to at least watch most of it. I will eventually have to get my hands on the finale movies because that, from what I've read, is the climax, literally. After 4 seasons of will-they-or-won't-they (but with kissing, LOTS of kissing) we're supposed to finally see them consummating their relationship (well, I don't think we actually see that but we're led to believe it happens.)


(I think I like the song that accompanies this more than the clips! I'll have to see if I have this on my ipod or hello limewire)

I'm like a dog with a bone when it comes to watching series. I like to see it from the beginning and then see it through to the bitter/sad/satisfying/unsatisfying/bewildering/bad/great ending. If I don't see the beginning, I just can't watch. It's like starting a book in the middle. I need the history! Even if we're plopped down in the middle of the characters lives.

Ah, TV. A potent drug.

I hope I have the patience for this one...I'm nearing the end of season 2 and I'm thinking to myself -yikes -2 more seasons of this? All kissing and no sex? (Let's just get down to it already!)

But I've started it and I've invested a lot of hours of watching it so far and I can't just quit now.

I am the sort of person that likes to finish what I start. It almost physically pains me when I don't.

Now if only I was this stubbornly motivated about other areas in my life 'eh? Imagine what I could accomplish.

Oooh, speaking of that. Was over at limewire looking for stuff and came across excepts from some Tony Robbins material and one title starts with "Eliminating Self-Sabotage..."

Ever since I saw him in "Shallow Hal" (we won't get into my commentary on that movie right now and believe me, as a "full-figured" woman, I've got things to say about that movie, but we'll just save that for some other time) I've thought, OK, maybe I'll listen to what he has to say but never got around to it until now (I know, I know, years and years later since the movie came out in 2001) Anyhoo. I'll give that a listen one of these days and have it give me, hopefully, a different way to think about that topic. New insight that just might lead to action.

I did listen to a bit on "Five Steps to Positive Thinking" and it made sense. I guess I was afraid he was some brainwashing/programming scam artist but I don't think that now. It's 4am and while I have energy to type all this, I don't want to get into the 5 steps right this minute (ah, yes, more procrastination) ....I'll listen again later and then give you the highlights.

Oh, an idea! Maybe listening to his stuff will put me sleep instead of the classical music I've resorted to for the past week or so. (No offense to classical music but it sure does the trick, thank god. I went through a bad bout of insomnia there for a bit...well, worse than usual) and then maybe if there is good stuff, it'll sink into my subconscious while I sleep and I'll be a whole new motivated person when I wake up! :)

Crikey. I really should just stop this here for now, do a little proofreading and then put myself to bed. So OK. (And I thought I didn't have really anything to say tonight!) :)

This is fun and maybe just a bit true

Who I am.

There is a recurring dream I have where I am just about to be "chosen" finally...the man I love and want seems to love and want me back but then it always ends with it not happening and I don't “get the guy” (I know people aren't possessions) after all (Granted, I think some of the times it doesn't happen is because I wake up)

So here I am readily admitting, out loud, what I want most in the world is to be loved like the heroines in the books I read. I want love. As the character of "Carrie Bradshaw" says in the series finale of "Sex and the City" "I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love."

There I've said it (well, she said it but you know what I mean)

As usual, plans changed

So this "weekend" didn't go the way I planned. Yesterday, Thursday, was all about just vegging out and relaxing. Was totally OK with that having worked an entire week for a change. No time w/B except for brief phone time and then today was all about getting my car back from my brother -needed/got new strut for oh, only $170. Eeeeeeeeeeeek! Then nappin' 'til time to go to shift at SPCO. Now here and bored. Not going out w/S tonight because my finances are in dire straits. (Bad, bad Sam taking those unpaid days off.) After work tonight, going to hit the grocery store and stock up on ramen noodles. Ugh. You gotta do what you gotta do though right?

So I've been watching more episodes of "Remington Steele". Have felt the need for pure escapism TV and boy, does that ever fit the bill.

Tonight however, I'll watch the latest eps of "Bones", "Hell's Kitchen" & "Supernatural".

Work tomorrow and for the next few days. Next Thursday I'm thinking of attempting to head down to FL. Got a call from my aunt today and apparently she's moving out into her own place. Good for her. I have mentioned her husband and son are shits right? So maybe this will help. We -my mother and that part of the family -want her to come up here -but w/a teenage son who's life is there -this probably is the best compromise. So anyway, I'll head down Thursday and come back Friday night. Just a short visit to give her some love and support (besides it doesn't cost me a penny!)

Only 2 more hours before done here. What am I going to do to kill the time? I should have brought a book. Oh well. I'm sure I'll find something to do here online....

Later.

Whoa! This ought to be interesting

http://www.tvguide.com/News/IFC-Adapting-Anita-1004605.aspx

Bringing Anita Blake to the big screen!!!

OK, I give in, give up, give out

So I've finally joined Facebook. Though only did the bare minimum to "get me in". I've got a couple of friends who have been on it for awhile but it took an invitation from my cousin Susanne in England to get me to sign up. Keeping up with this blog is about all I've got the energy for these days. I did My Space a couple of years ago but lost interest after awhile. It was just too much and keeping up with it was crazy. So how will this blog be different? Hmmm, well, I don't know. But I do know I'm likin' the blogging thing much more from the start then I did My Space. I'm probably gonna do some stuff to jazz it up tonight. It's lookin' a little boring isn't it?

So can you believe it took me until now to realize that over at Vh1.com you can watch music videos from artists from the 80's??? OMG, I'm in freakin' new wave/80's music HEAVEN! They even have the not-so-popular singles. I was just looking at my choices on the "A" page and they've got 10 videos for A-ha! 10! The biggest single for them was "Take On Me" but they have so many other great songs. So now that it's my weekend, we know what I'll be doing! Actually, maybe not since I'm hopefully gonna have a date w/B Thursday night and have a shift at the SPCO, then dancing! clubbing! w/S and her honey on Friday night.

TGIF. It was a long week. OK, so now I'm gonna go and jazz this thing up a bit.