You know I never wanted kids, at least not as I got older I mean. When I was around 5 was about the last time I played mommy and daddy with my friends, but then we started playing teacher after that.
I don’t remember being one of those little girls who always wanted a baby …at least I really don’t think I was. Definitely not past…again 5…interesting (maybe something to think about another time...?)
I also thought I had another very good reason for not wanting children. My temper. I thought I would be a terrible mother because I would lose my temper and beat the shit out of my kid. I think I understand it now as I thought I wouldn’t have enough patience and that I thought would snap… the temper I had would actually turn into physical violence. Yes, I would be curious to know where that came from. I don’t recall my mother ever being like that. I mean, I think there were times she got frustrated with us, but I don’t remember ever being In fear of her.
The thought of doing physical violence toward anyone who would or has hurt a child gets me so riled up so much so that I’m gonna try to find a job in a field related to that field -not police work or victim support -not ready to dive all the way in, but I want to maybe dip my toe in the water…
But back to the subject at hand…
Over the course of my relationship with B, there were a couple times I took a pregnancy test and I was disappointed I wasn’t pregnant.
I know he’s such a great dad. He was meant to be a father. I’ve been there to watch him with A since before the moment of conception and I love the parts of her that are totally him (😝 well I’m not a fucking saint and don’t want to know about how she’s like her mom 😇😈)
I am desperate to meet A and start being a part of her life …and terrified. What if she doesn’t like me?? But that is another reality. I definitely have myself in a bubble. Just having some major realizations right now. So big …
What our new reality could be -
We share our kids - share time with….
I bet they’d be thrilled, but it would be necessary. That would be part of us becoming real.
Anyway, here we are and V is in so many ways, also my kid. Difference being that I got him when he was 14. He’s 17 now. 3 years of watching him go though the highs and lows of his new life here in MN, in new schools and with new friends and girlfriends.
O occasionally shows me pictures and videos of him when he was younger, and it makes me a bit wistful and I wish I could have known him from the start. To see him as a helpless little baby to grow into a toddler and then also see if I see the little boy in him that he sees in himself that he wanted to be.
I’m so grateful she shares him with me so openly and willingly. She has trusted me with him from the start. What a gift!
I love helping him do anything that he wanted to do when he was young that makes him feel like a boy. There’s just something about being able to make this kid happy that is just bringing out such joy and love in myself.
I’m feeling so much love for everyone in my life. My heart is expanding at such a quick rate…the more I love someone, the more it expands (I feel like there’s a poem in there somewhere.)
Yeah, right, yeah I get it now. I get what you feel, baby (B) … and I think that’s kind of the dynamic we needed for our ourselves in this relationship lol. I’m happy to be your baby too. Wait did I say that out loud?? Yes, yes I did, but really I just mean that I love how much you care for me and take care of me. I mean it just feels….I just feel so loved. It’s the best thing ever.
V coming into my life and your love for me B is what’s started the expansion.
It’s like I’ve got this great big security net wrapped around my world and I can’t fail. I can’t lose. I can’t fail at life.
That’s an incredible feeling. Everyone should have people in their life that make them feel like this, whether it be romantic or not.
Who knew that loving somebody so much like this, wanting to make sure they’re given all the unconditional love and support and created and fulfilled and satisfied is everything you know and it’s definitely different than how I love B….I mean he takes care of me and that means I can take care of V and I don’t know if that’s how it’s supposed to work, but it feels really good and I’m very grateful for experiencing both. I don’t know if any of that makes sense but I hope it does 😬
And I’m learning that being a mom means that you drive your kid around even when you’re sick because he needs to go places, wants to go places and he’s got friends to see and spend time with and his happiness comes first.
While I’m thinking about it…I can’t wait to spend more of this un-selfishness on my man too 😬 When he lets me do stuff for for him, I love it - especially since he knows what stuff I will actually DO and won’t end up doing 😂😂 maybe that’s something I should be working on you know, more action less words, but I don’t know.
I think there should be something to be said for knowing the people that you love and accepting them for the way they are (while still making sure you get what you need and deserve 😏) the things that make them happy in whatever way you can …
I’m thinking about the people in my immediate circle right now the most. For example, O, what makes her happy is that, after she gets home after working three days in a row, she just needs quiet and silence. She’s always got a lot going on in her head.
…so you know that’s the interesting part about living with somebody for so long...
and I wonder what my love likes...so honey what do you like when you get home from work??
Do you like a little time for yourself but first a big long hug and kiss?? 😝 What do you want? What do you want when you walk in the door when you get home?
What can I do to ease tension from your shoulders and show you how much I love you ♥️ xo
How do you want to spend the rest of your nights? I want to spend mine with you.
