My not-so-secret love

And the constant war between love and hate between myself and,,,

Food (What? You thought I was going to say something else?)

Today, Thanksgiving 2013 and I'm taking it really easy. About a week and half ago, I fell and banged up my leg pretty bad. It's slow going healing-wise and today I made the decision to stay off my leg as much as possible.

That meant, not going to Boston Market to pick up lunch for the family and have lunch together. My brother hadn't planned on spending time with the family anyway ....it's just another day to them and he was going over to spend time at his friend D's.

So as he was heading out in the afternoon, I asked him if he would bring me something to eat.  I just wanted to have food I didn't cook. He stopped at Cub Foods and got me a chicken dinner from the deli. And cheesecake. Pumpkin cheesecake.

And that is where the love is...not only being grateful my brother is a good guy and helps me out every once in awhile but that I love eating already prepared foods. I love not making it myself.

The hate (maybe not quite hate) is because I know eating these kinds of foods, for the most part, are not the healthiest options for me (aka they're not vegetables, nor whole grains, nor fruit, etc.)

And while I was eating, I thought to myself "damn, I really love food."

But you know what? Instead of obsessing over the topic of eating/food/self-worth/etc. I'm going to choose to focus on other things right now.

In fact, I'm going to stop writing and I'm going to continue the Thanksgiving holiday tradition I started with myself a few years ago and watch "Home for the Holidays" with Holly Hunter, Dylan McDermott & Robert Downey Jr.

I love this movie. And the older I get the more I appreciate it and can relate to it. It's got a character who has had some setbacks, is not perfect and who has a life that's a little out of control. A character who has a family that is full of crazies that you love anyway and it has some very funny moments. And of course there's a love story too. (You know I'm a sucker for a good love story.)

And a really great soundtrack. My favorite being at the end..."The Very Thought of You" by the late great Nat King Cole.

And I want to dedicate it to a very special man...a man who loves me and makes me feel so alive and happy when we're together.

that's something I'm very thankful for right now.

Thanksgiving Eve 2013

It's probably not a bad idea to think about some things I'm thankful for right now...

1. I have a place to live and enough money to pay rent for December...on time. (It's been awhile.)
2. I have a job that I'm currently really enjoying. (It's been awhile.)
3. Neither parent (especially my mother) is in the hospital right now.
4. I have some really great people in my life.

And Thansgiving 2013 is a week from today.

Lesson to be learned by watching "Top Chef" ...

It's what you do when things go wrong that make you better.

I haven't felt like writing in awhile and it's because there are things I think about that only depress me and I don't want to share them, I'm afraid to put the thoughts and feelings out there, for anyone to see. I don't want to talk about any of the poor choices I've made.

While in the past it's been good for me to write about the things I'm grateful for when I'm needing a reminder that my life doesn't suck and that I'm not a bad person, right now that's not...where I want to go. I don't know if that makes any sense but that's the best way I can describe it right now.

I'm not myself...whoever that is.

So I'm going back into therapy. I need to get some different perspective on the state of my life and the choices I'm making. And I need to start dealing with my parent's health issues and aging. And I need to stop fighting with myself.

I admit my expectations are a bit high but I know therapy has been good for me in the past. So it's time for a tune-up.

I really love music.

Heard this tonight and it reminded me of how much I love this song...

                      ...(Song of the Moment --------------------------------------------------- >>>

"Half Of My Heart"

I was born in the arms of imaginary friends
free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I've been
then you come crashing in, like the realest thing
trying my best to understand all that your love can bring

oh half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
half of my heart takes time
half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
that I can't keep loving you (can't keep loving you)
oh, with half of my heart

I was made to believe I'd never love somebody else
I made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself
lonely was the song I sang, 'til the day you came
Showing me another way and all that my love can bring

oh half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
half of my heart takes time
half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
that I can't keep loving you (can't keep loving you)
oh, with half of my heart
with half of my heart

your faith is strong
but I can only fall short for so long
Down the road, later on
you will hate that I never gave more to you than half of my heart
but I can't stop loving you
I can't stop loving you [x3]
but I can't stop loving you with half of my...

half of my heart
half of my heart

half of my heart's got a real good imagination
half of my heart's got you
half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
that half of my heart won't do

half of my heart is a shotgun wedding to a bride with a paper ring
And half of my heart is the part of a man who's never truly loved anything

half of my heart [x6]

Baby D

So I've not written anything for a while. Been too busy/distracted/down/tired ...pick one or pick all.

The biggest, exciting thing that has happened since the last time I posted is that there is a new love of my life...E R D. Born 24Oct2013. A week early and now a little over 2 weeks old. I met him for the first time at 3 days and WOW. I never thought I would feel that kind of love.

I've been saying to the ladies at work that I didn't really understand until now why they (and people in general) would get so ...gaga for babies and now I so get it.

He is perfect. And I get to be a part of his life...an important part of it.

I am so happy for R and K and I'm so glad she and the baby are happy and healthy.

I'm going to see him again this Sunday and I can't wait.

I knew of course that having a child changes everything but I had no idea. That there is this little person you would do anything for and would die to protect is overwhelming and intense.

I'm doing a bit of reading right now about caring for newborns...I will try to give them a bit of a break when I'm over there....take care of E (hence the research/reading) and let them nap, do some laundry and/or tidying up, etc.

Did I mention I can't wait? If they hadn't had plans for Saturday night already, I would go over on Saturday instead of Sunday but oh well.

I can't wait to snuggle and kiss him. He is so precious. Watching him grow up is going to be pure joy.