And now the beginning of 43.

I am going to hold this week very close to my heart. The people I love the most showed me love BIG time. (And if there ever is a time when I get to have it all about ME guilt-free, it's my birthday!)

And what felt good was today, after the awesome week I've had that I was "paying it forward"... While I was waiting for the bus to come home from R & K's there was a woman who was also waiting for the bus who bummed a smoke (uh, yeah, let's not talk about the smoking right now) and it turns out she left her wallet somewhere and when she went back to get it, it was gone. She didn't ask but I guess I figured she didn't have any money so I gave her this a free bus ride voucher that I had in my purse that I've been carrying around (for something like this) and covered her fare on the bus we were waiting for so she could use the voucher for the next ride she needed.

Yeah, I realize it all could have been bullshit but I've recently been reminded that shit happens (including when a person is an idiot for not planning things a bit more carefully) and sometimes we all need a little help.

It felt good to help someone out, make them happy,

The week of "stay-cation" really turned out to be a great week. It wasn't that I needed to really do a whole lot of soul-searching, it was that I needed to connect with the people that I care about and care about me.

It was a perfect blend of me time and not alone time. I had Monday all to myself and Tuesday was spent with I and her sweet baby girl and Wednesday was another me day -with a quick visit with my new Dr. -who shares the same birthday as me (and did I mention the last person who cut my hair has it too?) -And Thursday...my actual birthday...

O M G

I got everything I wanted and more from B. God, I love that man so much. And when he lets me know that he wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him...well that just rocks my world in the best way EVER. We had breakfast and when he commented that we'd never gone out to breakfast before that was like the coolest because I love it when he makes observations about us which means he's thinking about us. (He is so good at remembering so many things about us (me :P)) Getting to spend some quality time with him was the best gift.

And then there was going to Amsterdam.

Ah, yes, my latest Amsterdam adventure.

While it didn't go quite the way I planned, I do now know that I can do it in about 24 hours ..essentially a weekend. And with very little money (as long as nothing really goes...wrong.)

I really didn't think about the reality of my every other Friday paycheck not being available when I arrived on a Friday at 6am AMS but really still Thursday 11pm US/MN time, until we landed. If I had planned a little more carefully, I would have realized that I needed to already have some cash available so that I could take the train downtown, find the coffeeshop I read about that opens at 7am, take a canal tour (they start around 9am) and be back to airport by 11/11:30 am to catch a 1:20pm flight home.

Thankfully there was free wi-fi available so I was able to change my return flight to an earlier one and come back home.

So now it just gets to be one of my travel tales where/when I'm very thankful that I work for an airline and that I was lucky enough to get business class round-trip AND there were no delays or cancellations. (And it doesn't hurt that I now have a better sense of what times are like in terms of getting through security and customs internationally/domestically which can only help me do my job better.)

Overall, the flights were good. BC is definitely nice when you're not a size 14 (ha). I was able to catch up 3 of the latest movies out on DVD -A Good Day to Die Hard, Admissions and Argo (my reviews; the first was OK but then again I'll watch almost anything Bruce Willis is in, the 2nd was really good and the last one was really REALLY good) and see at least the first episode of the past Dexter season and eat some pretty good food.

While I was pretty fried, after I got home with a couple of extra hours to spare before heading over to R & K's, I had time to come home and take a shower before meeting up with them.

It was a perfect low-key kind of night. We had been thinking of going to a movie but since it was a long week for both of them and I was completely knackered after taking these 2 international flights in 24 hours, we just had dinner in (K put together a taco dinner for us AND made cheesecake ..yum!) and rented a movie -Jack Reacher (pretty good.)

Sidebar: It (finally?) occurred to me today that when I'm done paying my loan off (the one I got for the car that I no longer have ...did I really have to put it like that??) which will happen within the next 2 months or so, that I will just have that money go directly into a savings account. It's money I've learned to live without and R says we can find a savings account to put it into that I can't touch easily so I'm not tempted by it.  (I should probably give some serious thought to why I feel the need to spend everything I've got. Maybe it feels like it's good to say yes instead of no when I want something? Hmm.)

And now back to the rest of the birthday fun with my favorite marrieds...they gave me a really great card and bought me breakfast. After breakfast, R had to get ready to work (doing his DJ thing for a wedding tonight) so K and I went for pedicures before she took me back to the transit center to catch the bus. How indulgent but fun and my feet look good for a change!

And now I'm home, reflecting on the really great week. And now it's time to start coming back down to earth and mentally gear myself up for life to go back to normal.

Work, continuing to get my financial shit together, eating better and just generally keep on keepin' on.

Does working for an airline make a person a little crazy?

It's my birthday eve and soon I will throw a load of laundry in. And then I will find a few books from the library to borrow on/for my Kindle. And then I will pack my backpack.

I'm going to go to Amsterdam for my birthday this year. Well, I'm going to fly there ...and then essentially turn around and come back. I wanted to do something where I would be treated "well" ...some fussing and fawning and special treatment. So as long as I get a seat in business class, I'm going for it. (I'm not even going to think about what else I will do if there aren't any business class seats left and I stay home.)

I am sure I should really do this properly one of these times and actually stay a couple of days (at least) but I also kind of like the "go and come right back" aspect. There's something about the "bragging" rights you get out of doing these kind of trips. I've got co-workers who do this all the time. And I get a reminder of what it's like to be a passenger and I get a reminder of why I love my job so much.  And I'm going to pray that there are no problems with the flights or weather and I get back when I'm supposed to.

I am torn about whether or not I should even attempt to go downtown or not. We arrive around 6:45am and my flight home departs at 1:20pm. I need to be back at the airport by at least 11:20am. But I want to do a canal tour and it's been my biggest regret about my previous trip...that I didn't realize I could still take one from the comfort of a heated boat in the middle of winter.

They go for about an hour and there are a ton to choose from right outside of the train station. While I usually abhor doing "touristy" things, this just seems like a perfect way to get a good, quick view of the city. (And who are we kidding, if there is any time to stop in at a coffeeshop before I board the boat, I'll take it...there is supposedly a shop really close to the train station that opens at 7am! And if the canal tours don't start until 9am, well, what's a girl to do in Amsterdam to kill a couple of hours?? :D )

It's been a really awesome birthday week so far. I got a great card (and another amazon.com gift [card]) from S. And then yesterday, Tuesday, I spent the afternoon with I and met her daughter, P, who is the sweetest little girl. We went to Como Pool and had a nice time (and I got a little bit sunburned again...what is with me and not doing better at keeping the SPF constantly on??) I'm just that much more excited to meet R & K's baby when it gets here this fall.

It's been a long time since I've been around babies/toddlers ...too many years to count, but I did OK. It was sweet that P let me hold her as much as she did and her smiles when I would twirl her around in the water just made me melt. That she liked me is awesome (why wouldn't she, I AM awesome...most of the time! :P )

Do I wish I had a baby of my own? Well, there is only one person I would want to have a baby with and if the opportunity ever presented itself, hell yeah. Otherwise, no.

In spending time with them, I did realize that yes, one has to take as much time as they can with their children while they're still young and soak up your love like a sponge.

So here I am...needing to get motivated to throw that load of laundry in the machine. And get some books to read from the library (though I'm planning on just watching a ton of movies on the plane) and think about what to bring.

I'll have to bring a few things as I won't be going home after I get back. I come back to spending some time on our monthly "date" with R & K on Friday night, then I'll just crash there for the night and then we'll do breakfast on Saturday before I finally get home. Sure, I'll be a bit jet-lagged but I'm looking forward to hanging out with them. They're good people and such dear friends.

And I'll have all day Sunday to rest and recover before back to work on Monday.

So far, so good this pseudo-staycation. And as for the soul-searching? Well, there's been a little bit and we'll see where the road takes me after this week is over.

Just a little teaser

Soul searching Day 1. Reading about volunteering.

I think I would like to do something with animals. I think Animal Ark might be a good place to start.

It's that time of year again.

It's my birthday next week and I'm re-evaluating my life, yet again.  I'm on vacation for the whole week next week and I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do with myself. And I'm now thinking a little soul-searching is in order.

Part of me thinks I should be taking advantage of my flight benefits (I always think this) but I don't really have a lot of cash to spare. And where would I even go? I've been given great suggestions about bus tours and I've thought about flying somewhere where I could just take public transportation from the airport to some beach or other body of water for swimming or a boat ride.

I could ask S about visiting him in San Diego but I really don't want to open myself up to what I'm sure would be some eventual criticism of some kind.

I could see about visiting my aunt in FL but her life is such a mess and I'm barely hanging on these days emotionally. I'm so inside my head and am finding it hard to get out of it.

Yes, I'm very lucky in that I have a week of paid vacation. Yes, I'm lucky that I have a job. Yes, I'm lucky that my parent's are doing OK health-wise right now. Yes, I'm lucky I have a more affordable roof over my head (though the lack of air-conditioning is killing me. I may be OK with my size most of the time but not during these hot humid days we've been having. I'm cooking in my skin.)

Yes, I'm lucky that I have really good friends in R & K. And lucky that I have some really great co-workers.

But at the end of the day, when I go home, it's just me. And how fucked up I am that I can't get past my own ...?? to get a life and do something about maybe not being so alone so often.

Oh I'm trying again though...I sent a message to I about getting together for a beach/pool/picnic date next week and and got a great response back and I sent an email to J to see if she would be up for getting together as well.

So I think I'm going to just end up having a stayvacation and seeing where the wind takes me.

And I'm going to spend some time thinking about the people in my life who I actually can and cannot count on. I know, I know, the only person you really can (or should) count on is yourself but it's nice to have others to help out every once in a while.

I'm going to be 43 and what do I have to show for my life? I'm not being hard on myself...I have accomplished a LOT and come a long way but I'm back to turning around in circles and not going anywhere.

*sigh*

Maybe time for therapy again? Or a life coach? I don't know. Maybe this is just a ...mood.

But yeah, that's what I'll do with some of the time ...I'll do some soul-searching and hopefully have a good birthday this year.

Something to ...think about.

On FB today I shared this:

David Seay shared Joel Osteen Ministries's status update.

Joel Osteen Ministries

You cannot wait until everything becomes better before you decide to have a good attitude. You have to be the best you can be right where you are.

---

Me (my comment when sharing)

Those of you that know me and my background religion-wise know I tend to steer clear of anything to do with religion but outside of this, I've heard bits and pieces of his sermons while channel surfing (back in the day when I had cable) and he has good, positive things to say and this just reminds me of that.

☯☯☯

I confess, I've not only caught bits and pieces but have sat and watched/listened for a few minutes and was ...OK with what I was hearing. 

And now that just makes me think about what I wrote...about steering clear of anything to do with religion and think to myself...whoa, those JW years really fucked you up. I know so many people who are happy and positive about their religion. (Yes, my mother is one of those people.)

So maybe I'm going to be a little bit more open-minded and do a little Googling on Joel Osteen.  Starting with Wikipedia (god, I LOVE Wikipedia!)

BRB.

Televangelist. That's why afraid to admit I've liked what I've heard so far. There have been ones who have made that word a dirty one.

Ah! A book I should see if the library has for me to borrow: 

Your Best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living at Your Full Potential

Damn, right there I'm hooked.

and OMG

Become a Better You: 7 Keys to Improving Your Life Every Day
 

Holy shit. (Pun intended.) THIS is what I could be doing with some of my free time.

*sigh*

I guess it really IS all about me huh?*

I have to remember that my world is a better place when I focus on others for a change (I learn so much and my love just grows bigger for them.)

OK, now where was I? Oh yeah, Joel Osteen...

Oh geez, now wonder I am interested...

Criticism (and how crazy what I take from criticism???)

On October 14, 2007, 60 Minutes ran a twelve-minute segment on Osteen, titled "Joel Osteen Answers his Critics", during which Reformed theologian Michael Horton told CBS News correspondent Byron Pitts that Osteen's method of teaching is heresy. Horton stated that the problem with Osteen's message is that it makes religion about us instead of about God".^[28]

Osteen's message is that it makes religion about us instead of about God".^[28] 

Osteen's message is that it makes religion about us instead of about God".^[28]

Bloody hell.

I'm intrigued and  so now I've requested the first book...but at the first sign of asking for money, I'm done. Hmmm. Is that my deal-breaker with religion? I want him to be living a modest lifestyle and [prove] he's not in it for the money. (Well, wait, aren't we all in it for some money ourselves? There is nothing wrong with that right?)

*(Oh S, I wish you read this blog. But it would probably remind you of the thing about me that drives you the most crazy.)

My heart overflows...

So after having spent two of the most fucking miserable nights tossing and turning in the summer heat and humidity, I finally reached out to a friend tonight and invited myself over for the weekend.

A true friend lets you do that. And he's married to a wonderful woman who is cool with it.

Thank god for R & K and their beautifully air-conditioned house. And I'm going to enjoy my little trip into the not so long ago past as I'm going to be downstairs in my old room/area.

They both have to work and I'm OK with that as then I'll still have plenty of "me" time...because who are we kidding...I love my me time after working all week (uh, let's not talk about the 4th...I did end up wussing out on N but that's only because didn't sleep the night before) ...N was great about it. And today she said that I would have lost my mind within an hour due to how loud the kids were ...good and well-behaved but loud.

I have to get comfortable with children again at some point. I'm going to be an "auntie"! And I really can't wait.

K ended up taking some time off this week due to the pregnancy and I hope she'll be OK. Her job is physically demanding and there's no "light duty" work. Maybe tomorrow night when it's just us we can talk about that.

Anyhoo...so here I am...after having quite the adventure taking public transportation to get over here tonight. Friday night downtown Minneapolis is certainly a sight to see. And oh...I remember those days of being young and going out. And I don't miss it one bit. As long as I get to spend occasional time with friends, I'm good.

So here I am. Feeling so grateful that my friends took me in and are not letting me suffer. :P
But seriously, no air. What the fuck was I thinking?

Thanks to B, I will have it at some point, hopefully sooner rather than later...finally. So I'm downstairs and I won't lie. It's cold as fuck. R warned me and I said no problem. But damn. Ah well, I'd rather be too cold than too hot!

So it's the weekend. Woot woot. And I'm not going to sweating and roasting in what I'm now calling the little oven (not to be confused with the restaurant on White Bear Ave my parent's used to frequent. :P)

Good night.

Time to count my blessings...again.

So I'm finally home again tonight. K came back today and I finally get to be back in my home. (Though I sure am going to miss life in an environment full of air-conditioning and cable...)

*sigh*

But before I start focusing on the things I'm grateful for, I have to mention that my mailbox was jammed full and included was a card to call the St. Paul Police Dept. regarding a complaint. And the guy is in the Family and Sexual Violence Unit (thank goodness for a voice mail that had a personalized outgoing message so I knew who I was calling...NOT. )

WHAT THE FUCK???

After initially freaking out BIG time (and being my melodramatic self and texting R & N) I'm convinced that it has GOT to be that I'm a witness to something and that I've done nothing wrong. Still...Family and Sexual Violence Unit??? WTF? (Can you get reported for being naked in a living room?)

So I just read the SPPD info. on that unit and yup, WHAT THE FUCK??? And tomorrow is a holiday. I wonder how long I'm going to have to wait until I find out what the hell this is about???

THIS kind of thing is why I'd rather stay in the "Great Indoors". The less interaction I have with the outside world, the more shit won't happen to me. I just want to live my life and stay out of <trouble>.

Man, I wish I had air-conditioning. I was really hoping B would have had time to either put it this air-conditioner he has that he's going to let me use ... in or at least drop it off for me to do. I probably could have done it as I've done it before. But I know the poor guy is beyond busy -and yes, as he reminded me, he's even busier this time of year with lawns to mow. (As long as he gives me a great birthday card, I can deal because he gives good card.)

So here we are, Independence Day eve. And I have an opportunity to not spend a/the holiday alone feeling sorry for myself tomorrow. N (from work) let me invite myself to spend the day with her, her kids, her boyfriends kids and a couple of other friends of hers fishing and swimming. But now this terrible thought just came to me ...should I worry about this complaint business? I'm going to be around kids. But I've never done anything to a child. Or an elderly person. Or anyone. The only one I hurt is myself.  (Oooh that's deep. Maybe need to think about that a little bit more sometime...?)

Anyway, time to stop freaking out and calm the fuck down and think about all of the things I'm grateful for and there are so many.

So without further ado -

☯ That I have a roof over my head
☯ That my parent's are alive and taking [better] care of themselves
☯ That I have a job
☯ That I have a friend who trusts me enough to take care of her "baby" and her house and also pays me well to do it
☯ That I have really great co-workers
☯ That I know really good people and they enjoy spending time with me
☯ That B is so considerate and helps me in a zillion different ways  (the most recent thing -giving me an adapter plug thingy so I can plug the laptop into the wall by the sofa (yes, I've decided to call the loveseat a sofa. Yup.)

And now that I'm home, I'm thankful that I had the resources available to buy the rug & the ottoman. They are perfect and make it feel more ...homey.

And I guess that matters so much because I feel safest at home. It's not only my nest but my sanctuary.

And now it's almost midnight and I am very tired. I've got an early morning -N will be picking me up before 8am

...that's if I don't wuss out.