because of course this blog is all about me.

Um, so have I mentioned that I've made a new friend?

How we met is another post for another time....maybe.

Who he is it what I'll be writing about -at times. 

He's a writer too. We made a pact over drinks to never read each others stuff -because then we felt that we'd be inhibited and not our be our true selves.  (OK, this was my suggestion.)

I totally get it.

It takes a lot of courage to be your true self in front of others.

Ryan and Kari got married this past Friday.

My new friend, let's call him, SD, went with me.

And a big thing I'm taking away from the experience is that when you find someone you can be your true self with, then you've found a soul mate. Someone you're not afraid to be yourself in front of. No self-consciousness, no insecurities. That, I think is my definition of a soul mate and isn't necessarily only for those you're romantically involved with.

I've been lucky to find that so far twice in my life and one of those times is with Ryan (the other person knows I feel this way about them.) I'm so happy he found a soul mate for himself and got to marry her.

So going to a wedding is definitely an interesting experience to share with another person.

Seeing how they dress, present themselves, interact with your friends and generally behave is an educational experience.

I was lucky that he dressed appropriately, was attentive enough to me that I felt like I was with a real date and fun enough that I think they liked him.

SD and I haven't known each other long. Our beginning was ...hmm, what's the word I'm looking for... intense.

And we're in that getting-to-really-know-you stage that is the move from oh-you to this-is-a-real-friend.

And it was the hardest thing to do to try to be myself yet not be.

I live in fear of being ...left and I need to do something about that.

I don't want people to stay with me because they just don't want to hurt me.

I mean, maybe while that's a noble thing to do, it's just that I'd rather that someone be spending time with me because they enjoy my company and what I have to contribute to being a good person to spend time with.

So to the point...

I hope that SD and I really will be friends.

New apartment, new body?

So the new life consists of a whole new way of getting around. Carless. 

And I sold the car. So now it's not even an option.

So it’s just me and my old friend, the bus, again. We spent a lot of years together. I think it’s interesting that I am trying to recreate things that happened when I was younger (getting a bad sunburn, riding the bus). Yet, I don’t feel like it’s a bad thing to be re-living these experiences. 

When I was younger I was more engaged with the world at large. 

I was fairly active. 

I need to be active again.

After having spent the last 4 months eating WAY less fast food and walking a bit more (and taking some stairs) I was stunned to find out that I’ve only lost 3 lbs since my last doctor visit which was in February (tbc). ONLY. 

Now y’all know how I feel about the whole issue of diet, etc. but it turns out it really is about being healthier. I am taking a cold, hard look at my physical self. I need to do more than be comfortable in my skin. I need to make this body work better for me. 

And I need to not worry that I will lose my …identity if I lose weight. I’m known for more than being that …really fat girl. 

Hmm. Fat girl.  Should I be one of those people that are brave enough to say I’m fat with pride? 

Anyway, so the plan (action!!!!!) includes using the fitness room when it’s finally done/open here in my building. And swimming. There is a Y a block away. I mean c’mon, how much fucking easier can it get? 

I’ve been going back to Physical Therapy (did I mention I went once a week for about 2 ½ months this past spring) because it helped. I’m now hoping it is the bridge between the body I have and the body I want. 

Either way, I want to think about all of the wonderful things I could do if I wasn’t so …forgive the pun …weighed down. 

Or…is this just a new …drama …for me to dwell on in the absence of any other?

Nope. Well maybe a little. My mother was back in the hospital this past week and them finally coming up with a diagnosis is a large part of this now too. 

Congestive Heart Failure.

Fuck. 

For her, it's about more than she just needs to lose weight ...she has to ALWAYS be eating right, be more physically active and always take her medication. She has to weigh herself daily to make sure she is keeping an eye on the fluid amount in her system, surrounding her heart and lungs. She also has make sure her Bi-Pap machine is working correctly, she's going to be going back to the sleep clinic to look at that. 

And she has to not stop. To not give up even when she's discouraged. That will be the hardest part. She wants to see the weight going down on the scale as a result of her hard work. She wants to see a payoff and I don't blame her. I get it. I want it too! I mean 3 lousy fucking lbs????

This time around, she and I had a little bit of THAT conversation. The one where she tells me things she has put on her Health Care Directive. And I have to be strong and not bury my head in the sand and take it like a grown-up when she tells me she is sure I wouldn't want to be the one to plan her memorial service so she's not having my sign this thing, but instead Pop and her friend Judy will be the ones signing it. The ones who things will fall on when those decisions need to be made.

*Sigh*

I can't bear to think of her leaving this earth and it shakes me to my core to even think about her not being around. I, in my dramatic (but oh so real) way, think that I wouldn't even want to exist if she wasn't around. 

Here's the big difference between us though...she doesn't fear death because of her religious beliefs and the belief in resurrection and I fear her death because I don't believe in any of that. 

Does that mean I should jump back on that bandwagon in order to be able to better deal with it, when/if it happens? 

I don't know. But would that be better than feeling the utter devastation that I imagine I will feel?

Either way, or regardless of any of that...

 

I don't want that to happen to me.  I don't want to have repeated visits to the hospitals and feel so helpless.

I also want, I need, to be able to feel more comfortable in my skin again. To honor the one and only body I've got.

It pisses me off that the image I have of myself in my head in now way matches the reality. But maybe I can make it happen. 

Oh sure, there are those who say I should say "I can make it happen" vs. "maybe I can make it happen" because of the intent behind the words but Rome wasn't fucking built in a day was it? 

"It took a long time to gain this weight, it will take a long time to lose it again" (J.B.)

@@@@@@@

It's the weekend and soon I'm going to stop talking about this. All week, eating right and getting exercise was the main topic of conversation and I need a break from it. 

But shit, what a fucking mountain to climb ...for her, for me.