I enrolled in the bachelor's in psychology program at work. And for the zillionth time, I want to quit. And all because I have an assignment to write a paper. Maybe I could just be one of those people who just have "some college credit" ...
And maybe I take the winter quarter off! Or Q1 I should say!!!
Problem solved!
I don't know if anyone is still reading this and if not, it's OK. I have been keeping this blog as basically my journal for the last...ten years or so.
So this fall has me making some big changes to my life.
1. I went back to college. I am officially a college student again! I work for CU and one of the benefits, the most excellent one is that I can attend for FREE.
I never thought this would happen for me, to me.
I had to write some papers about myself and my educational/journey so far and really, third time is the charm.
I'm excited about learning and sharing (! :D -yeah, a new audience for me LOL)
And...
I've chosen to get breast reduction surgery.
I never been happy with the girls. All they've done is cause me pain - physically and emotionally. I'm not going to keep living like this if I don't have to.
First plastic surgeon said - happy to, after you've lost 30-40 lbs and have the RA under control for a year in February next year.
I will find one who will do it now and/or sooner. I want it done before the end of the year.
Just like my uterus, I won't miss them as they currently are (and have been most of my adult life. I don't even think I made a stop between training bra and then ill-fitting, improper sized for decades.)
And I got approved for medical marijuana. My primary physician ROCKS. Thank you so much Dr. P. -that reminds me...I need to send her a message w/update and get opinion.
I trust HER.
So those are the highlights. I'm OK with highlights for now. Maybe one of these days I'll get into details but this is good enough for now.
Once upon a time there was a streaming service called Netflix. They gave the green light to create a series based on a series of graphic novels by Alice Oseman.
And this show...has changed me. For the better.
And the worse.
It's a love story.
And it's a love story that makes me very sad that MY love story is ...the best I can come up with is it's the complete opposite.
My love and I are ...I don't know what we are right now. But we are not a couple where the one person risks everything to be with the one he loves. We are not even a couple at this time.
He will not change things until A is 18.
And after going round and round...I'm tired of fighting for us.
And the place I am has me sure that the right thing, the smart thing to do is to stop and re-assess in 4 years. And not only that, but if he wants me and doesn't decide to stay in his marriage -then when he comes to me, he has to be divorced. Not just separated but divorced and we're going to do this right this time. I deserve that.
I had another thought ...I am hoping that maybe I might start to not hate myself as much when I'm not involved with a married man.
While infidelity is not shocking to me (my normal) - it went against my hopes and dreams born out of reading romance novels I had when I was young. And while those might have been not necessarily the perfect way to learn about romance, they still featured someone getting chosen by the person they chose right back and that person was not married.
And all I want is someone of my own to love and care for and have them love and care for only me.
I've been telling stories and talking about her since I heard the devastating news.
It was quick and I hope to god painless considering all that she's been through with her health.
I now have 2 of the most important women to me, leaving this earth a little bit too soon.
And THAT is the kind of motivation to really get me to really focus on getting my health in order.
But I've got to find that balance between wanting to take care of myself and wanting to accept myself as I am. I wonder if this is sort of like how addicts reach their rock bottom before they admit they have a problem and need to make serious changes.
And I'd love to ask Sally about that. She had her own battles with addiction.
But she was love. I received so much love from her I was swimming in it when we got to spend time together.
(I feel a poem coming on)
And she had no problem being honest with me and calling me on my shit...it always hurt but thankfully not for long ...also because there was so much more love to smother it.
I worry about her boys, J & J.
And I feel for them - they spent a lot of time taking care of her and "my boys" went through the exact same thing after the loss of mom.
Loss and freedom at a terrible price.
I could write a lot more I think but I'm not going to right now.
I'm tired. Haven't recovered the sleep I lost while in the hospital. Yeah, H.
I really do believe all of the stress of worrying about money (not nearly enough) and my health (RA, really? Fuck.) and work (will I be hired on permanently? and when!!!) and the conflicting feelings I'm having about what to do with my relationship with the love of my life (failed and enlightening ultimatum issued and as expected, I lost) followed by the loss of Sally was just too much for my system to handle and it shut down my legs.
And they're still not working all that well.
I start infusion treatment on Monday. Bloody early but it means no more waiting. The M is just not working as well as I hoped and need it to. I will have to look at it as an adventure. Getting to put on clothes and bring stuff to do...hey maybe take a book and skip the tablet! It's been years since I read an actual book vs. listening to it. Though I do have that Jim Butcher one waiting for me....
Anyhoo.
I had a moment last night where I vented about how the world sucks but...it doesn't. There are just a lot of rotten people doing rotten things in it. But I can't dwell on that as I've got to give myself as much positive reinforcement and pep talks as I can in order to not get into bed and never get out.
OK, enough for now. The important news has been reported and documented.
Onward and Upward.
Every once in a while, I start obsessing over my relationship. And that time has come again.
I love that man so much but I'm tired of sitting on the shelf. I'm tired of living in this constant state of "pause". I want to live life with the man I love NOW.
And if he can't do that, then I think we need to re-evaluate and take a break.
It makes me furious that I can't be with the man I love, not even on an occasional basis.
It makes me mad that the man I love thinks there is only one way for this to "go down"...waiting until his daughter is 18. It's going to be awful no matter when it happens.
and if I do throw down the ultimatum, it will either go my way or it won't.
If it does, great. If it doesn't..my heart will break and won't be the same again. It will be full of cracks and holes.
5 years ago, I asked that when I was ready to be a step-mom, would he make that happen and he said yes.
So now 5 years later and sure we agreed to wait until she's 18 but in hindsight that is unreasonable. I'm going to have waited 9 years for this?
Maybe it seemed like the path to resistance to agree to that but the reality really fucking sucks.
I have this thing...RA. Rheumatoid Arthritis. And it sucks.
I'm working with Reiki healer H again. And when we met last week, instead of focusing on that, we focused on my weight and health.
Between growing up not learning how to eat healthy food/meals and living with parent's who had trauma, as well as a mother who constantly battled her own weight and body issues, I wasn't necessarily set up for success in that regard.
So I've also gotten back in touch with A and I told her I'm ready to dive deep and dig into my baggage.
As H has been wanting me to believe that I'm ready to be a strong, confident woman, I think between her and A, I can approach it a new way and maybe it will be effective.
I am so split down the middle with accepting myself as I am and HATING who I see in the mirror. I don't recognize that person!
I just had a random thought....I managed to stay just fat, not obese, up until I think my ...late 20's? and I'm wondering if my early sexual experiences contributed to it? Let me explain...I had a few sexual encounters, starting with losing my virginity at 19 to B. And then just random guys here and there. And each one of those experiences were...disappointing. And I also kept liking boys...men...who had no interest in me romantically (or the ones that were interested in me, I just didn't feel the same way, no matter how badly I wanted to in order to not be single/alone anymore) and with the bad sex and rejection, did I just let myself go because then no one would be interested and I'd be left alone and not be hurt anymore? Is that it? (Thankfully, B certainly changed all that when he came along!)
Granted, I know that I've gotten less active over the years and that certainly doesn't help but I guess I do feel like my weight is serving me...somehow, someway.
While the people I love have concerns about my health, they all still accept and love me as I am.
And while I appreciate that, I can't do that for myself. That old idea about treating yourself like you'd treat a dear friend just isn't working.
And while I'm so tired of always thinking about it, my weight and health, the truth is I have to do something about it. And it starts with needing to actually really truly care.
Because I don't care. I feel like I don't care. Because if I did, I'd have the willpower and strength to always make the better/right choices....right?? Isn't that what is needs to happen in order to do what you need to do to actually lose weight?
Hmm. Well enough of this for now. I'll circle back after my next appointment with A.
