People I'm grateful for

I've written about the things I'm grateful for and I thought it was about time that I acknowledged some, just some, of the amazing people I have in my life.

Earlier tonight I was thinking about my manager at work, her name is Judy, and how happy I am that I'm back on her team...it's knowing that I would have her back as my manager that was the fire that got lit under me that made me bid for the group sales department. (When she initially told us she was moving over to groups I didn't think I'd miss her as much as I did.)

It's been a rough year (literally the past 12 months or so, not just 2011) for me at work, attendance-wise, and she was my manager for most of it. We had some real heart to hearts and I think it was her approach and patience with me that helped turn the corner. She made a very good point about me getting in my own way and she was right. I do have a tendency to do that.

When we finally had a chance to talk about my coming over to groups, she was honest with me and made it clear that she was on my side, but that she was taking a chance on me because the other manager has her doubts about me due to the attendance issue. I appreciate her vote of confidence and have that as additional motivation to not screw up.

I couldn't really explain to her when, how and why my attitude about work changed. Where this new level of commitment to the job is coming from..I guess the important thing is that it's there.

That actually is just a part of things I'm feeling good about these days ...knowing that I've got so many people in my corner and rooting for me to be happy and successful. I feel so much love and support and am humbled by it. Hence this post. (But who are we kidding, I'm a Leo and am lapping up the attention like a starving big ol' kitty cat!)

So at work...and oh speaking of work...I'm loving that I'm feeling good about it for the first time in a long long long time. I could say I should have moved on sooner but I also think things happen for a reason and when they're supposed to. It's been a couple of weeks now in my new job and I'm enjoying learning new things. Oh sure there are lots of grumblings and unhappy people but I'm going to try really hard to not let that get to me. I came from that where I was and I'm looking at this as a fresh start. I believe people can change -especially if they want something else for themselves and their lives. And I want something different for mine and it starts with not hating my job anymore.

I am not unaware though that it's a slippery slope and I've got to do my best to not slide down it. My success will require discipline and hard work but the payoff will be continuing to be person that has control of her life and not someone controlled by their life and letting it all get to me and squash me down.

The adjustment period is interesting...I have this new life that I'm getting used to. A life of waking up earlier and getting home earlier and having actual weekends off like most of the world. I kind of miss the weekday off thing though...it made me a little different and as much as I just want to be like everyone else, I like being a little different.

I liked telling people I had my weekend during the week. I liked being able to sleep until 11am.

Anyway, I've gotten off topic...

Before I left work yesterday, Friday, I had a nice conversation with Judy as we talked about the training I've had so far and what the plans are for next week. I'm in a unique, good position being that I'm the only one who needs training for the job. I can take it at my own pace and get all of the individual attention that I need. And I've got this manager who is tough but fair, sympathetic yet practical.

So first person grateful for...Judy, my manager at work. Maybe it's unprofessional and/or not the wisest idea to blur the line between manager and...friend but as long as I do my job and keep getting my butt to work everyday I think it will be fine.

And then there is my aunt Sally. After my visit a couple of weeks ago we made a point to keep in better touch and now have a weekly phone date, on Saturday afternoons. And while our time was later today than was intended, it worked out for both of us and we had a nice conversation. I think I have to let go of the thought that I have to rescue her from her life and problems but I can't do that...and I've learned that staying away and not talking to her was not the answer either.

She is such a dear and is like the mother I never had...oh, my mother is ...my mother and if anything were to happen to her I'd be devastated but there is this distance between us because of the religion...yes, the religion. Anyway...

Sally is also the big sister I never had. And the little sister. And a friend. We can talk about anything and be completely honest with each other. I've got this amazing person in my family who I feel unconditional love from, with and for. I miss that since Grandpa died.

And then there is Ryan. Sharing a house with someone is a big deal. While I miss the fabulous and the animals, it's a different thing to be living with a friend who knows you better than you know yourself sometimes. We're still adjusting to my new schedule which really has made things interesting in terms of how we live in the house...I knew it threw him for a loop when I told him about the new schedule but he's been a trooper and not made me feel bad about changing things up from what we thought it would be like with my living here.

And we're still friends, real friends who can also talk about anything. And yeah, we're family.

And then there is B. It's been challenging lately with our mismatched schedules (to put it mildly) but we've endured and I love that he has stuck by me as long as he has (or really is it that I'm just that good in bed or he is? :P )

There is still laughter and passion and lust and love. There is conversation and communication and....love. I may get frustrated when we don't see each other as often as I'd like but there is surety and complete certainty in our love for each other. Am I going to cling to what I want for the future or be happy with the love that there is now? I'm opting for love in the here and now.

It will still be a roller-coaster because that's part of the deal in loving the kind of man who has a whole 'nother life but as long as he continues to be my biggest fan and supporter, I can deal. I can deal.

Then there is Michelle at work...we don't work together anymore and it's been a tough adjustment to not see her on a fairly regular basis but we've managed to have some breaks together and we'll keep doing that. I refuse to lose her friendship just because we don't work in the same department anymore. But just like anything worth having, it will take effort and commitment but she's worth it. I believe I've mentioned I never thought I'd be as close to someone whose life was so completely different from mine because they have a spouse AND kids but we work. She's more than a wife and a mother and it's been good for me to see that. It was narrow-minded of me to think that once a person was those things that that's all they were.

Ah, so smart but not so much sometimes. *Sigh*

So it's like after 2am and maybe I'll think about winding down now. I've been trying to be better about getting to bed at an earlier time but I'm still working on it.

So just like a lot of other areas in my life, it's a work in progress. I'm a work in progress.

Onward. After I go upstairs and take my happy pill*

*increased dosage of anti-depressant and maybe the reason I'm feeling as good as I am? Probably has a wee bit to do with it 'eh?

P.S. Oh! My court stuff for the accident in November is finally DONE! Went on Friday and the public defender got my charge reduced to "following too (to? gah, it's the middle of the night and out of all of the words in the English language I don't know which one is the correct one I'm looking for!) closely", which is a petty misdemeanor instead of "regular" one and got the money reduced down to a total of $128. That's less than 1/2 of the initial amount! I am keeping my license. Now I just have to deal with that other damn ticket....

I actually sometimes lately can't believe that this is my life. Lucky me.

Things I'm Grateful For

Oh where to begin?

This weekend is the beginning of now having actual weekends off. I got a 4-day off stretch and decided to use the time to go down to Florida and visit my favorite Aunt.

I was way overdue in visiting her. She is such a wonderful, strong woman who keeps ...enduring is the best word I can use. Most of my visits have been to go down there and help her out with stuff but this time around we just enjoyed the visit. There was a lot of laughs and a new shared experience (!) that cemented that we're not just aunt/niece but truly friends. (And don't even get me started about how I'm ever so grateful that I didn't lose my cell phone down there!)

So I'm grateful for her and the hospitality her and her family show me (my cousin gave up his room so I could have some space and privacy of my own, her husband cooks for us or brings us lunch...) She/they are so generous and giving, it puts me to shame.

I'm going to make it a point to get down there for more frequent visits...my last one was way too long ago. I've been staying away because it was just too much to be a part of her life and feel so...helpless in trying to help her get back control of her life with the various things she struggles with. I think now that my staying away did more harm than good. So back to fairly regular visits and keeping in better touch.

So after I got home last night -after getting lucky and getting a seat in first class for the flight home -I stopped at Chipotle for dinner and as I was leaving that's when I thought to myself that it's about time I acknowledged how many things I've got to be grateful for. (Every once in a while I need to remind myself how good I've got it.)

I'm grateful for the job that allows me to just "pop down" to Florida for a day or two. I'm grateful for an aunt that I can really talk to ...about anything. And for having yet another person in my life who loves me.

I'm grateful for my living situation. I'm living with one of my best friends and so far so good. This won't be a permanent arrangement...I do want to eventually finally get my very own "nest" but this is a good place to be.

Ryan and I ran some errands together today and it was awesome, yet strange being out and about on an actual Sunday on my Sunday. It's going to be interesting adjusting to this weekend off thing...

I'm grateful for a car that runs...even if she needs work to get the oil to stop leaking.

I'm grateful for my family, especially my brother who always helps me when I need it ...crap that reminds me, I've got to do his CRP (renter's credit) for him! I've been meaning to get that done for like 2 weeks now! Ooops!

I'm grateful that Troy finally paid me the money for the last job I did for him ..and even though it was truly the last job (he and his wife have decided to do the mailings themselves since business hasn't been great) I'm grateful I got back in touch with him and even had the opportunity to temporarily make a bit of extra cash.

I'm grateful I have a computer and internet access.

I'm grateful that my "new" library is close by and very easy to get to.

I'm grateful that I have food in the cupboard and a little bit of money in the bank (just a weensy bit.)

Oh sure I still have to deal with that last ticket I got and I've got that 3rd court appearance in a couple of weeks (and hopefully it will be the last!) but things could be worse.

So there are a million more things to be grateful for but you get the picture.

So now to start winding it down...have to start getting myself to bed a wee bit earlier than I have been...

Onward. With excitement at the new work I'll be doing ...at work.

I knew better...

Well tonight ended with a whimper...actually more of a yell with lots of fuck's being uttered. Tonight's less-than-wise decision was to NOT change lanes when passing police cars and a pulled over car. (But my exit was RIGHT there!)

And the other night when Ryan had his party, I went and did my own thing without thinking of him or anyone else (though in my defense I was feeling anxious and nervous...still those are just excuses...)

I've been naughty at work with screwing around with FB (we have access again!) and not being available as much as I should for phone calls. And my "talk time" has been out of control (but that actually is already getting better so I won't whinge about that one too much)

..It's been pointed out to me that I have a tendency to get in my own way. This is not news right? I think it's actually the story of my life.

*Sigh*

I have forgotten my intent to do that thing that Gabbi talked about...about doing the next right thing. I am not listening to my inner wise voice telling me to do things like CHANGE FUCKING LANES.

So what IS up with all of that? Or maybe it's just that shit happens. (Pep talk time...Sam, you are human and not always going to make the perfect choice but it doesn't mean you should give up. You MUST keep on keepin' on and make that right choice. You can do it!)

It's not that hard to do the right thing, most of the time. It's thinking of others. It's obeying traffic laws. It's thinking of the consequences of my actions, whether they be good or bad.

I am trying though, in some ways...

**I did have my physical last week (let's not talk about the fact that I lost 9 lbs since the last time I was in and hearing that has me freaked out and I'm doing my best to get them back -talk about a perfect example of self-sabotage! ...but that may be a post for another day)

***I'm taking an increased dosage of my "happy" pill.

****I'm finally going to the dentist this week.

I will pay the damn fine for that ticket I just got (with my 3rd court date coming up at the end of the month, I need to not have that hanging around.)

Big news! Apologies for not talking about this sooner...I'm changing my work life in a major way week after next. I've been bored with the job and so have bid into group sales and my schedule will be completely different from what it's been the last 3+ years. I'll be working M-F from 11-7:30pm. I'll have weekends off. Crazy! I am not sure how I feel about that but the benefits to my new schedule will be that I will have all of my weeknights free which should give B and I more opportunities to see each other...and the job itself should be fun, or at least a change of pace and maybe kind of exciting?

I just hope I can deal with being alone on Saturday nights. Oooh. Hadn't even really thought about that until just now. I used to have a real problem with them. That's when I felt the loneliest. Working on them helped. Maybe I'll need to pick up some kind of part-time job for just that one night a week...or gee, maybe get a life and do things with friends?

I'm not the same person I was, even a year ago, and I think I am strong enough to find a way to deal with the new life I will have. And if it's really terrible, well, hell, I'll just bid back into the SkyMiles job in the fall.

Well OK I think this is enough for tonight. Time for winding down and then lights out.