And now for something completely different.

Oh where to begin? I know I haven't been doing a whole lot of posting this year. I guess I've really just become consumed with lots of other distractions (er, FB games...) and haven't felt the desire to keep this active. I like telling people I have a blog though...I like having it. Now if only I would keep up with 'eh?

I am in a good place...life is good. And for a change, I am not sad about the holidays, like I usually am. I am throwing myself into them this year and saying "WTF, why not?" (And Thanksgiving was bearable because I got fed Turkey day food at work!) Instead of moping around and feeling like I'm not part of anything and keeping myself isolated, I'm embracing all the cheesy, wonderful things about it.

It started because R decided to also really jump on the wagon since K really digs it and is making the house a festive atmosphere. There is even a tree! A real tree. And we're gonna exchange presents! I've already done a ton of shopping (though admittedly as in years past, Merry Christmas to ME too, big time!!!)

R and K are in a way, my family too. And I love that I'm not alone. Living here with them has been a good thing.

(I am still eventually going to move out because I want to be back on a busline. And closer to the city. And frankly, in St. Paul. But for now I'm where I'm supposed (?) to be.)

☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯

Things with B are both equally good and terrible. We've become even more intimate than we were before yet thoughts still buzz around in my brain that a sane person would pay attention to but I'm continuing to choose to purposely ignore them.

*Sigh*

He's been really great at making time to see me at least once a week for the last couple of months. I do think he knew it really could have ended. He's a lucky son of a bitch and he's been reminded that he needs to appreciate that.

☯☯☯☯☯

Jason finally went ahead and moved to a warmer climate. He gave CA & AZ a look but has ended up in TX since he's got guaranteed work down there.

Good for him. I hope he finally finds some happiness.

☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯

Hmm, what else? The mind is drawing a blank so I supposed I'll just stop here then.

And forward we go.

P.S. Oh! The girl(s) are just fine, it was just lymph nodes like my Dr. thought. Yahoo!

December 4 part I

Found this when going through some papers and it's a "keeper" hence this "post":

1. You will receive a body -love it or hate it -your body was given to you and you can't change that fact.

2. You will be presented with lessons.

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons.

4. Lessons are repeated until they're learned. "What are you here to teach me?"

5. Learning does not end.

6. "There" is no better than "here" (um, not sure I agree with this one...FL is better than MN in December!)

7. Others are only mirrors of you {judgment} ...(huh?)

8. What you make of your life is up to you.

9. All of the answers live inside of you.

10. You will forget all of this at birth (again, huh? Reincarnation?)

Hmm. Well OK. I think I'm cool with some of that.

Not sure where it came from but apparently it was important enough at the time to write it down on a paycheck stub from some job. And in red ink. And I never use red ink.

Oh this was good

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): I was musing on how slow I am to learn the
lessons I need to master -- how hard it can be to see the obvious secrets
that are right in front of me. But I felt better after I came across the logo
for the Jung Institute in San Francisco, which is dedicated to the study of
psychology and psychotherapy. The symbol that it has chosen to embody
its ruling spirit consists of four snails creeping their way around a center
point -- a witty acknowledgment of the plodding nature of the human
psyche. I bring this to your attention, Leo, because it's important for you
to give yourself credit for how much you've grown since the old days --
even if your progress seems intolerably gradual.

(freewillastrology from about 3 weeks ago but oh so fitting!)

Just something to keep/remember/read often

“I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it — I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes.

Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know — but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me.

However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.

I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.”
Denis2005 Virginia Satir quotes (American Psychologist and Educator, 1916-1988)

Bet you never thought I'd be back...

Oh where to begin. Work has been really busy and when I get home I just want to veg and just not think about anything. Plus this computer isn't as nice as my last one and typing on it is kind of a pain. Moving over to groups was a great idea but I had no idea it would be as challenging and busy as it is.

Tomorrow morning I have an appointment for a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound. I had a mammogram screening week before last and there was something that they need to look at again. It's hopefully just lymph nodes and I've got nothing to worry about. When I told my mother about it, she said she isn't worried because she usually has to have repeat mammograms herself. Ahhhhh, the joy of big tits. :P

I'm not going to freak out until I have a reason to freak out. I'm also going on the pill for the first time EVER in my life. A grown woman of 41 finally going on the pill. Hilarious right? But my freakin' cycle is so out of whack. I'm hoping that it's just...well, NOT Peri-menopause. I'm too bloody young for that!

Things with B are still going. Ups and downs. Highs and lows. But I love him and he loves me. It just is what it is and no decisions are being made. I'm just taking it one day at a time.

Lately I've decided also not to stress about the great big unanswered question of "what am I doing with my life" because my life is good and I'm content. It doesn't mean I won't ever think about school again. But work is interesting and challenging and keeps me busy.

I'm also seriously thinking about getting my own place (again.) While I'm enjoying living with R & K, I'm living with them. In their house. In their nest. I want my own. Whether or not I'll be able to get my own remains to be seen but I'm going to try. I would like something in St. Paul and/or closer to work. If all of my tickets and being license-less for a week taught me anything it's that I need to be able to have public transportation as a back-up. It was one thing to sneak over to a park & ride, it would be another if Suzette isn't running at all or in the shop and I have to take the bus to work.

I'd like to think that there are exciting things to write about but there really aren't...not that I can think of off the top of my head right now anyway.

So for now, this is all she wrote.

The Ride - Literally and Figuratively

Oh where to begin this time around. So much swirling around in my head. It's been one hell of a month so far. No seeing of B, finding out my license was suspended due to non-payment of that damn ticket I got when I didn't move over a lane because my exit was RIGHT there. (I kept meaning to go in and talk to them about it but kept putting it off and then between adjusted work hours for various trainings, Mom being in the hospital, Sally's visit, my birthday and then work being crazy busy, I just hadn't gotten around to it yet.)

But it finally caught up with me ...and not only did I find out it was official that my license was suspended, I got a ticket (another expensive one!) for driving with a suspended license! Fuckin' A!

And this may be the time around when it's really over with B.

It all came to a head last weekend. The previous week he had to cancel on me 3 nights in a row and then when I suggested the weekend, it all fell apart and I reached a breaking point. Fuck you was uttered. Twice. (By me of course.) We've had our ups and downs and time to see each other is limited and precious. But I can only ride the ride for so long right? I know seeing someone in his situation is fraught with all sorts of challenges but this is getting ridiculous.

We didn't talk for a week. And then he called me. We had a bit of conversation but there was nothing really resolved. He said the thing he always says about having a lot going on and then he said the one thing he's NOT said before. The he doesn't know if he can give me what I want even though he wants to.

I sent him an email this morning, reminding him that he always has a lot going on and he always will but if he wants to be with me, he is going to have to find a way to make it work. And I'm not bluffing this time. He's perfectly capable of making time for me on a weekly basis...he's been doing it for years. I told him I'm not calling him and if he calls me today, I'm not picking up and that I will answer the call only when I know he's had time to read the email and is calling to make a date that he's gonna keep. But this is it. His last chance.

Maybe this comes across as overly-demanding of me considering how full his life is already between the family, the work and his properties, but as I mentioned, he's managed for years to find some time for me on a fairly regular basis.

I think what is at the heart of it all is that I'm finally ready to say that the relationship with him is not enough and I want more.

At the bottom of this blog is something that has helped me in numerous ways deal with the challenges of life -the list of the "Facts of Life" and one of them is one I've been trying to deny. "Some people aren't capable of giving you what you're trying to get from them."

Some people aren't capable of giving you what you're trying to get from them.

I used to think that if anything, I would at least be happy just to have him in my life...even if it was via an occasional phone call, but now I don't think I could even handle that. Talking to the man who I love so fucking much and when we're together, makes me feel so damn good and knowing I can't be with him would just be too fucking hard.

*Sigh*

Why can't I just be content with the crumbs of time and availability that he throws me?

And now here we are and I think things are really at the stage where I think it's going to be over and now I have to start preparing myself for that.

*[BIG] sigh*

It's a beautiful day out there and I should at least go out and get some sun and stop moping about in my cool, comforting nest/cave.

But first, I should go ahead and write about taking the bus again. It sure has been a humbling experience. And I'm reminded of how precious even one minute can be. In the world of bus-riding it means the difference between making the connection and getting to work early, on time or late. Riding the bus is all about time. Watching it, obsessing about it.

Riding the bus means feeling kind of gross when I reach my destination...like there is a layer of city schmutz on me that I need to wash off (the first thing I do when I get to work or get home is wash my hands.) Riding the bus means lots of time waiting between some of the connections and increased smoking. Riding the bus means interacting on a surface level with a variety of people and seeing all sorts of characters...young, old, in-between, black, white, brown, short, tall, fat, skinny...and we've all got our headphones on, our noses in a book or are on our phones, surfing or texting.

Riding the bus reminds me of why it is that I've said I don't want children. I used to say it was because there were so many brats on the bus but what it really is that, if I had children, at some point, I'm sure I would be one of those women who has to take their kids on the bus. My mother did that with us when we were kids and and it was fun for us, but I'm sure it was not as fun for her. I think in some ways that is part of my not wanting children...knowing that my economic status isn't really going to change and I refuse to raise a child the way I was raised. I love my parent's, don't get me wrong, but money was ALWAYS a problem. Oh sure we had enough for a roof over our heads and food on the table but money was "always too tight to mention." Maybe those don't seem like good enough reasons to not have a child but they matter. A child is a huge responsibility financially and otherwise. That's what having a child means to me anyway. It's another person to take care of and taking care of myself alone is sometimes a challenge.

Riding the bus means being at the mercy of a lot of outside factors (hey, I just realized this is what I say at work about flights!!!!!) and when you miss that specific connection that you need in order to get to work on time and have to wait a 1/2 hour for the next bus to get you there...

Now on the flip side, riding the bus means not dealing with obnoxious stupid drivers on the road. Riding the bus means air-conditioning. Riding the bus means I'm doing my tiny part for the environment. Riding the bus means getting to spend a lot of time listening to music and getting reacquainted with the massive library of songs I've got on my ipod.

But now that I've paid that ticket that got me in this mess to begin with, I can hardly stand the wait in getting my license reinstated (I paid on Friday and it takes a couple of business days to happen) because I want to be driving my car again! I want my freedom and independence back!

Because that is what riding the bus does NOT mean. You are at the mercy of time. You have limited freedom and independence. Granted, we have pretty good public transportation in this town but it's not the same as being able to hop in your car and do what you want or need to when you want to or need to.

Now I just have to hope that this new ticket doesn't come back to bite me in the ass. A co-worker thinks that if they find out that I got a ticket for driving with a suspended license, they may suspend it again...but that doesn't seem right. The action (or lack of in this case, not paying that ticket) caused the reaction (the suspension) and now that has been paid...so...right?

But still I'll have to get that paid next paycheck. And hope by doing that, this whole mess will be behind me.

OK, time for coffee and food and sun and a cigarette.

Happy Birthday to Me.

Just a short post because I have to put it out there now, right this instant, that I'm so fucking lucky. I've got so many people in my life that love me.

I know this. I need to always remember this, especially when those times come around when I feel like I'm all alone in the world.

The celebrating actually started on Friday when we had a lovely dinner and Kari made me yummy strawberry cheesecake cupcakes! Then I had Scott to call me and wish me a HB before I went to bed last night and Sally here visiting and Kari here and both of them wishing me a HB when I got up. I had a card from Nita waiting for me when I got to work and another card from a bunch of other people in the department when I came back from lunch.

And even if my evening with B didn't go quite as planned, I had Ryan, Kari and Sally here when I got home to share more love with me...

(The thing I forgot to do though was call my mother and say "thank you." I will call her tomorrow morning after I drop Sally off at the airport. (I'll write about that visit another time.))

A good day, with wonderful presents! Amongst them, stuffed animals for the child in me, scented candles for the me that loves good smells, cash for the not so responsible with money part of me and jewelry for the woman in me.

And how awesome is it that I got to be with the people, in one way or another, that mean the most to me.

I feel loved. I am loved.

And now for even more people to be grateful for.

Sometimes I'm completely overwhelmed by my love for the people in my life...

You know when you get that call? The one in the middle of the day that throws you off course because all of a sudden things are NOT fine, not normal.

My mother went into the hospital yesterday. It turns out she hasn't been breathing well which led to her not sleeping for 3 days. When I got there after work last night, she was awake though and with oxygen was her sparkling self -maybe a bit manic because of the lack of sleep but she was her lively self and it was a relief to see.

We had a good talk, about a lot of things ...at one point, she was in tears because she said I don't sound angry with her anymore (long long long story) and she was so happy about that. And she's right. There was a lot of talk about being stubborn and too smart for my own good...and how similar we are in so many ways. That used to scare the pants off of me but for all her own selfish, self-involved ways (that IS where I get it from you know :P) she loves me like crazy.

Then tonight, going there again after work, she wasn't her sparkling self but that had a lot to do with the fact that they were doing all sorts of tests and finding out what was wrong with her.

It came, comes down to her being overweight, the bosom being too big for her short frame (like she (and I!) have never ever heard that before!) and it was respiratory ...failure.

It occurs to me that I'm all about "women are beautiful and should be at peace with themselves, their bodies" and I've never had that talk with my mother about self-love and self-confidence...hmmm. Something to think about and maybe write about later...anyway, I will maybe have that conversation with her tomorrow (and dazzle her some more with my "maturity"! :P ) We need to get her to the point where she has to love herself enough to really do what she has to do with the exercise and such. She did mention maybe joining Weight Watchers again (it has worked well for in the past and is working well for some ladies I work with now...)

They're not letting her go home yet but when she does, they are going to send her home with a machine, similar to a CPAP (?) machine that will help her breathe at night.

I'm going to head back there tomorrow night -as long as she is still there -and have some more quality time with her -well best we can under these circumstances.

Tonight, afterward, Pop and I went for a beer and a burger...well, he had beer...and we had some quality time of our own. He's such a character. I'll tell you about him sometime.

And that's really what we do in our family. We don't have quantity, but we have quality.

We call all be truly ourselves with each other.

And I love my parent's with such a fierceness that it's overwhelming. Oh sure we've had our issues over the years but we're always there for each other.

Then coming home tonight and Ryan was there to give me a hug and chat with and I'm so fucking grateful for his friendship and presence in my life.

Sharing a home with him may have some interesting ...moments (let's just call it that shall we? :P) but I'm so happy to not be living alone. As much as I want my own little "nest" a little closer to work, this is a really good place for me to be.

I've got an aunt who, in spite of her own challenges (that's putting it mildly) is totally loving and supportive of me.

I've got a big brother who always helps out with whatever I need.

I've got co-workers who are fun and helpful.

(Have I mentioned how much happier I am work? Yes? So many times you're getting tired of hearing about it?)

The car is STILL running. I've got a good roof over my head. Food in the cupboard. A little bit of money in the bank -enough to get me by. A man who knows how to make me purr like a kitten ;)

Life is good. I may actually say a little prayer and give some thanks to the big guy upstairs.

Onward. With hope that Mom will do what she has to do and will get better (lose weight/exercise, etc.) and will be around for a long long time.

People I'm grateful for

I've written about the things I'm grateful for and I thought it was about time that I acknowledged some, just some, of the amazing people I have in my life.

Earlier tonight I was thinking about my manager at work, her name is Judy, and how happy I am that I'm back on her team...it's knowing that I would have her back as my manager that was the fire that got lit under me that made me bid for the group sales department. (When she initially told us she was moving over to groups I didn't think I'd miss her as much as I did.)

It's been a rough year (literally the past 12 months or so, not just 2011) for me at work, attendance-wise, and she was my manager for most of it. We had some real heart to hearts and I think it was her approach and patience with me that helped turn the corner. She made a very good point about me getting in my own way and she was right. I do have a tendency to do that.

When we finally had a chance to talk about my coming over to groups, she was honest with me and made it clear that she was on my side, but that she was taking a chance on me because the other manager has her doubts about me due to the attendance issue. I appreciate her vote of confidence and have that as additional motivation to not screw up.

I couldn't really explain to her when, how and why my attitude about work changed. Where this new level of commitment to the job is coming from..I guess the important thing is that it's there.

That actually is just a part of things I'm feeling good about these days ...knowing that I've got so many people in my corner and rooting for me to be happy and successful. I feel so much love and support and am humbled by it. Hence this post. (But who are we kidding, I'm a Leo and am lapping up the attention like a starving big ol' kitty cat!)

So at work...and oh speaking of work...I'm loving that I'm feeling good about it for the first time in a long long long time. I could say I should have moved on sooner but I also think things happen for a reason and when they're supposed to. It's been a couple of weeks now in my new job and I'm enjoying learning new things. Oh sure there are lots of grumblings and unhappy people but I'm going to try really hard to not let that get to me. I came from that where I was and I'm looking at this as a fresh start. I believe people can change -especially if they want something else for themselves and their lives. And I want something different for mine and it starts with not hating my job anymore.

I am not unaware though that it's a slippery slope and I've got to do my best to not slide down it. My success will require discipline and hard work but the payoff will be continuing to be person that has control of her life and not someone controlled by their life and letting it all get to me and squash me down.

The adjustment period is interesting...I have this new life that I'm getting used to. A life of waking up earlier and getting home earlier and having actual weekends off like most of the world. I kind of miss the weekday off thing though...it made me a little different and as much as I just want to be like everyone else, I like being a little different.

I liked telling people I had my weekend during the week. I liked being able to sleep until 11am.

Anyway, I've gotten off topic...

Before I left work yesterday, Friday, I had a nice conversation with Judy as we talked about the training I've had so far and what the plans are for next week. I'm in a unique, good position being that I'm the only one who needs training for the job. I can take it at my own pace and get all of the individual attention that I need. And I've got this manager who is tough but fair, sympathetic yet practical.

So first person grateful for...Judy, my manager at work. Maybe it's unprofessional and/or not the wisest idea to blur the line between manager and...friend but as long as I do my job and keep getting my butt to work everyday I think it will be fine.

And then there is my aunt Sally. After my visit a couple of weeks ago we made a point to keep in better touch and now have a weekly phone date, on Saturday afternoons. And while our time was later today than was intended, it worked out for both of us and we had a nice conversation. I think I have to let go of the thought that I have to rescue her from her life and problems but I can't do that...and I've learned that staying away and not talking to her was not the answer either.

She is such a dear and is like the mother I never had...oh, my mother is ...my mother and if anything were to happen to her I'd be devastated but there is this distance between us because of the religion...yes, the religion. Anyway...

Sally is also the big sister I never had. And the little sister. And a friend. We can talk about anything and be completely honest with each other. I've got this amazing person in my family who I feel unconditional love from, with and for. I miss that since Grandpa died.

And then there is Ryan. Sharing a house with someone is a big deal. While I miss the fabulous and the animals, it's a different thing to be living with a friend who knows you better than you know yourself sometimes. We're still adjusting to my new schedule which really has made things interesting in terms of how we live in the house...I knew it threw him for a loop when I told him about the new schedule but he's been a trooper and not made me feel bad about changing things up from what we thought it would be like with my living here.

And we're still friends, real friends who can also talk about anything. And yeah, we're family.

And then there is B. It's been challenging lately with our mismatched schedules (to put it mildly) but we've endured and I love that he has stuck by me as long as he has (or really is it that I'm just that good in bed or he is? :P )

There is still laughter and passion and lust and love. There is conversation and communication and....love. I may get frustrated when we don't see each other as often as I'd like but there is surety and complete certainty in our love for each other. Am I going to cling to what I want for the future or be happy with the love that there is now? I'm opting for love in the here and now.

It will still be a roller-coaster because that's part of the deal in loving the kind of man who has a whole 'nother life but as long as he continues to be my biggest fan and supporter, I can deal. I can deal.

Then there is Michelle at work...we don't work together anymore and it's been a tough adjustment to not see her on a fairly regular basis but we've managed to have some breaks together and we'll keep doing that. I refuse to lose her friendship just because we don't work in the same department anymore. But just like anything worth having, it will take effort and commitment but she's worth it. I believe I've mentioned I never thought I'd be as close to someone whose life was so completely different from mine because they have a spouse AND kids but we work. She's more than a wife and a mother and it's been good for me to see that. It was narrow-minded of me to think that once a person was those things that that's all they were.

Ah, so smart but not so much sometimes. *Sigh*

So it's like after 2am and maybe I'll think about winding down now. I've been trying to be better about getting to bed at an earlier time but I'm still working on it.

So just like a lot of other areas in my life, it's a work in progress. I'm a work in progress.

Onward. After I go upstairs and take my happy pill*

*increased dosage of anti-depressant and maybe the reason I'm feeling as good as I am? Probably has a wee bit to do with it 'eh?

P.S. Oh! My court stuff for the accident in November is finally DONE! Went on Friday and the public defender got my charge reduced to "following too (to? gah, it's the middle of the night and out of all of the words in the English language I don't know which one is the correct one I'm looking for!) closely", which is a petty misdemeanor instead of "regular" one and got the money reduced down to a total of $128. That's less than 1/2 of the initial amount! I am keeping my license. Now I just have to deal with that other damn ticket....

I actually sometimes lately can't believe that this is my life. Lucky me.

Things I'm Grateful For

Oh where to begin?

This weekend is the beginning of now having actual weekends off. I got a 4-day off stretch and decided to use the time to go down to Florida and visit my favorite Aunt.

I was way overdue in visiting her. She is such a wonderful, strong woman who keeps ...enduring is the best word I can use. Most of my visits have been to go down there and help her out with stuff but this time around we just enjoyed the visit. There was a lot of laughs and a new shared experience (!) that cemented that we're not just aunt/niece but truly friends. (And don't even get me started about how I'm ever so grateful that I didn't lose my cell phone down there!)

So I'm grateful for her and the hospitality her and her family show me (my cousin gave up his room so I could have some space and privacy of my own, her husband cooks for us or brings us lunch...) She/they are so generous and giving, it puts me to shame.

I'm going to make it a point to get down there for more frequent visits...my last one was way too long ago. I've been staying away because it was just too much to be a part of her life and feel so...helpless in trying to help her get back control of her life with the various things she struggles with. I think now that my staying away did more harm than good. So back to fairly regular visits and keeping in better touch.

So after I got home last night -after getting lucky and getting a seat in first class for the flight home -I stopped at Chipotle for dinner and as I was leaving that's when I thought to myself that it's about time I acknowledged how many things I've got to be grateful for. (Every once in a while I need to remind myself how good I've got it.)

I'm grateful for the job that allows me to just "pop down" to Florida for a day or two. I'm grateful for an aunt that I can really talk to ...about anything. And for having yet another person in my life who loves me.

I'm grateful for my living situation. I'm living with one of my best friends and so far so good. This won't be a permanent arrangement...I do want to eventually finally get my very own "nest" but this is a good place to be.

Ryan and I ran some errands together today and it was awesome, yet strange being out and about on an actual Sunday on my Sunday. It's going to be interesting adjusting to this weekend off thing...

I'm grateful for a car that runs...even if she needs work to get the oil to stop leaking.

I'm grateful for my family, especially my brother who always helps me when I need it ...crap that reminds me, I've got to do his CRP (renter's credit) for him! I've been meaning to get that done for like 2 weeks now! Ooops!

I'm grateful that Troy finally paid me the money for the last job I did for him ..and even though it was truly the last job (he and his wife have decided to do the mailings themselves since business hasn't been great) I'm grateful I got back in touch with him and even had the opportunity to temporarily make a bit of extra cash.

I'm grateful I have a computer and internet access.

I'm grateful that my "new" library is close by and very easy to get to.

I'm grateful that I have food in the cupboard and a little bit of money in the bank (just a weensy bit.)

Oh sure I still have to deal with that last ticket I got and I've got that 3rd court appearance in a couple of weeks (and hopefully it will be the last!) but things could be worse.

So there are a million more things to be grateful for but you get the picture.

So now to start winding it down...have to start getting myself to bed a wee bit earlier than I have been...

Onward. With excitement at the new work I'll be doing ...at work.

I knew better...

Well tonight ended with a whimper...actually more of a yell with lots of fuck's being uttered. Tonight's less-than-wise decision was to NOT change lanes when passing police cars and a pulled over car. (But my exit was RIGHT there!)

And the other night when Ryan had his party, I went and did my own thing without thinking of him or anyone else (though in my defense I was feeling anxious and nervous...still those are just excuses...)

I've been naughty at work with screwing around with FB (we have access again!) and not being available as much as I should for phone calls. And my "talk time" has been out of control (but that actually is already getting better so I won't whinge about that one too much)

..It's been pointed out to me that I have a tendency to get in my own way. This is not news right? I think it's actually the story of my life.

*Sigh*

I have forgotten my intent to do that thing that Gabbi talked about...about doing the next right thing. I am not listening to my inner wise voice telling me to do things like CHANGE FUCKING LANES.

So what IS up with all of that? Or maybe it's just that shit happens. (Pep talk time...Sam, you are human and not always going to make the perfect choice but it doesn't mean you should give up. You MUST keep on keepin' on and make that right choice. You can do it!)

It's not that hard to do the right thing, most of the time. It's thinking of others. It's obeying traffic laws. It's thinking of the consequences of my actions, whether they be good or bad.

I am trying though, in some ways...

**I did have my physical last week (let's not talk about the fact that I lost 9 lbs since the last time I was in and hearing that has me freaked out and I'm doing my best to get them back -talk about a perfect example of self-sabotage! ...but that may be a post for another day)

***I'm taking an increased dosage of my "happy" pill.

****I'm finally going to the dentist this week.

I will pay the damn fine for that ticket I just got (with my 3rd court date coming up at the end of the month, I need to not have that hanging around.)

Big news! Apologies for not talking about this sooner...I'm changing my work life in a major way week after next. I've been bored with the job and so have bid into group sales and my schedule will be completely different from what it's been the last 3+ years. I'll be working M-F from 11-7:30pm. I'll have weekends off. Crazy! I am not sure how I feel about that but the benefits to my new schedule will be that I will have all of my weeknights free which should give B and I more opportunities to see each other...and the job itself should be fun, or at least a change of pace and maybe kind of exciting?

I just hope I can deal with being alone on Saturday nights. Oooh. Hadn't even really thought about that until just now. I used to have a real problem with them. That's when I felt the loneliest. Working on them helped. Maybe I'll need to pick up some kind of part-time job for just that one night a week...or gee, maybe get a life and do things with friends?

I'm not the same person I was, even a year ago, and I think I am strong enough to find a way to deal with the new life I will have. And if it's really terrible, well, hell, I'll just bid back into the SkyMiles job in the fall.

Well OK I think this is enough for tonight. Time for winding down and then lights out.

I survived it.

Two months ago, before the move, I thought to myself that I didn't know if I'd be able to deal with the move and that change in my life.

Thankfully I came out on the other side with most of my sanity intact.

I finally had a physical last Thursday and it was the kind of the physical that got me thinking about things again in terms of my physical self. But I guess that's fairly common isn't it? Spend a little time putting the magnifying glass on a certain aspect of yourself and give it some much overdue attention.

So yeah...this body.

*Sigh*

Ramblings in the wee small hours

Well actually it's only 2am. I should be thinking of winding things down -especially after the disaster going to bed last night was. Lights out at 3am and I didn't fall asleep 'til around 5...5:30! I was NOT a happy camper about that. Especially since I'm trying to get over the first cold I've had in god knows how long. (Taking a daily vitamin WORKS when you actually take the bloody thing DAILY!)

Oh what an exciting couple of weeks it's been.

* Court date #2 last week - got myself a public defender and thank god because the prosecutor wanted/wants to suspend my driver's license. Now granted, I did the crime but I've made good! And I'll never do it again! And I will prove to them that I have car insurance as often as they want for as long as they want! So there is yet another day to go back to court. Let's hope it's the last time. (Worst case scenario they do suspend it but maybe I get a "work" one only? And it would only be for 6 months? The PD thinks it really shouldn't come down to that though....please please let him be right!)

* Pop lost his job. They let him go. Supposedly trumped up charges of some sort and they've been gunning for him for awhile and finally had their ammunition. He's understandably angry and bitter. I just hope he does find some part-time work ...shit, I keep forgetting to see if the airline has anything for him!... and that along with the social security he can now apply for, they should be OK and not have to move (again) to more affordable housing. They have the nicest place they've ever had and moving is so stressful.

* Hmmm, still thinking about running off to Nice for a few days but we'll just have to see how it goes. I'll find out my new shifts tomorrow and I'll have to see how it all could work with the budget. Missing a couple days of work this week didn't help since I'm officially out of sick time until next month. Oh well. It's all about keeping my expenses down to a minimum. The cell phone is back under control and that's big.

And if Troy would both give me some other work AND pay me for the last job I did for him, that will help. Granted, I need to get my shit together and find a better way to organize the lists he sends me and make sure I don't delete ANY of the emails! I'm feeling like an idiot because I couldn't give him some information he asked for the other day (I'm also feeling afraid that with how long it took me to do the last one, combined with that I'm not following through with sending back a final list of who got what, that he's going to think he's made a mistake in asking me to help him with this stuff. Oh well. I can only wait and see if he gives me any more work. I hope he does or I need to make sure he gets all of his supplies back so they aren't just laying around taking up space (or maybe one of these days I'll actually organize them properly!))

*Sigh*

* Have a doctor appointment day after tomorrow at fucking o'dark early (or whatever you call it when it's the middle of the night for a night owl like me) I will be tempted to just stay up all night but that staying up all hours of the "night" crap is what contributes to my getting a cold. I will also be tempted to cancel but it's for a physical and to get a new refill for the "happy" pills so I guess I better just get my ass up early. Right-o.

* On a happier note, the new living situation is going well. We're settling in and getting used to each other lifestyles, schedules and routines. I am really happy I'm here and I hope Ryan is too.

* My dearest old friend Diane turned 40 this past weekend and I'm really happy for her. She may be worried about that big 4-0 like the rest of us but it's actually really not so bad...so far.

Well, I think that's all I'll get into tonight.

Onward. Just...onward.

Well France is pretty close to Italy

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): No other country on the planet has a greater concentration of artistic masterpieces than Italy. As for the place that has the most natural wonders and inspiring scenery per square mile: That's more subjective, but I'd say Hawaii. Judging from the astrological omens, Leo, I encourage you to visit one or both of those two hotspots -- or the closest equivalents you can manage. (If you already live in Italy or Hawaii, you won't have far to go.) In my opinion, you need to be massively exposed to huge doses of staggering beauty. And I really do mean that you NEED this experience -- for your mental, physical, and spiritual well-being.

and because it's also appropriate and I LIKE it...

CANCER (June 21-July 22): If you were a poker player, the odds would now be far better than usual that you'd be voted one of the "50 Sexiest Poker Players in the World." If you were a physician volunteering your services in Haiti or Sudan, there'd be an unusually high likelihood that you'd soon be the focus of a feature story on a TV news show. And even if you were just a pet groomer or life coach or yoga teacher, I bet your cachet would be rising. Why? According to my reading of the omens, you Cancerians are about to be noticed, seen for who you are, or just plain appreciated a lot more than usual.

☯ ♥

See the thing is I have an opportunity to stay in a place in Nice, France, for FREE. I got the offer from a woman I helped on the phone awhile back and I recently confirmed with her that the offer still stands. It does!!!

I seriously need to get away. Need to fly and become the person on the other side of the phone again. How can I not take advantage of this opportunity being presented to me right? So now I'm going to go do some reading on Nice and look up this place on Google Maps....

And then I really think I'm going to try to make it happen...next month. We're bidding for our next shift in a couple of weeks and until I know what I know what my new schedule will be, Regardless of what my schedule will be, I know I'm going to have to be willing to trade shifts. :( (I don't like doing that because it messes up my "routine" and I function best with routine.) But I'm desperate for an adventure so I'm eager to be able to put the exact dates on the calendar. Juggling the work schedule be damned! And then somehow, someway, I'll make it work and do it within my budget. I won't need much...mostly just money in case something goes wrong trying to get home!

☯ ♥

B was out of town for almost 2 weeks and is finally back and I'm so happy. We only saw each other a couple of times in March and I started to doubt (again) whether or not I could handle staying in the relationship with how there are these "periods" of little physical contact (his annual family vacation and the holidays) but just talking to him last night reaffirmed that I am in this 100%. We had a good conversation. I'm so completely in love with this man. I know he loves me too. I love that he has "stuck around" as long as he has in my life. He also knows how lucky he is to have me in his.

Ah, relationships though right? Up and downs but continuing to communicate and each wanting to be with and make the other person happy.

There is a date planned for Thursday. I can't wait. I might even dress up. I have been a little ...careless with my appearance lately (er, the last few years) and it's about time I started enjoying some of my nicer clothes again and maybe throw a little bit of make-up on occasionally and get my fucking hair cut again already!

Anyhoo...time to go do that research on Nice...

Onward (oh how that makes me miss the Fabulous...)

New Beginnings

So it's now been almost 2 weeks since the move and I'm settling into my new place...slowly.

The move was tougher than I thought...leaving the animals who while driving me crazy also gave me unconditional love and affection. But now I will just remain content to love them from afar.

Time to just take care of me and me alone.

And there are a lot of ways I need to do that.

I need to stop getting in my own way, especially at work. I may hate parts of my job (keeping track of my damn stats!) but I find it's easier to bear after I've had that one-on-one with my manager and gotten both praise, support and a gentle kick in the ass. I have to stop getting in my own way. And I have to make sure I'm actually there to do that.

So I'm looking at my new living life as a new beginning. Since I've moved in, I haven't called in sick. The next paycheck will be the first one that has the full 80 hours on it. I think I'm inspired by Ryan. We both struggle with getting to work when we're unhappy but he's really come a long way and is getting himself to work and he's doing what needs to get done...in a lot of ways. No excuses, no whining. Just getting it done, whatever it may be.

Last night we spent some quality time together for the first time since I moved in and it turns out we have other things in common that I wasn't aware prior to now.

Yet, he's also the opposite from me in that he actually wants and envisions things for his future. So last night I decided that it was time I started thinking about my future or at least what I want for my life. But it's such a foreign concept.

I've had to focus so hard the last few years on just getting from moment to moment...keeping my head down and one foot in front of the other...in a dark room...wearing a blindfold...that I'm missing out on things. Granted I still need my alone time (I was reminded of that today as I was out and about interacting with the world doing errands) but I need to find the balance with being social and being with good people. Oh this is not a new subject though is it?

I'm taking baby steps though...tonight was about having dinner with the lovebirds and a week from this Saturday I'm making brunch for us. And it's something to look forward to...I guess I haven't had a lot of things to look forward to lately. Fun things. I should find a way to save up for a little trip to ...somewhere, anywhere and get out of my comfort zone.

Moving out of the Fabulous' was certainly a good start to shaking things up wasn't it? I'm torn between wanting to try to put down in words how hard it was to leave that life from the physical to the emotional or just let it be what it was. No need to dwell on the past right? Appreciate it for the gift it was, learn from it and move on.

So here I am...new walls around me. New roof over my head. New garage to park in. And yet I think I need to really actually do something about my....life. No more talking the talk but walking the walk

I've got so many excuses but I'm tired of going around in the same circles. And I need stories to tell. :P

A new beginning

I'm here. Moved and living a new in a new home. I think it's a great stepping-stone to my living alone again.

So here's the thing - whenever I am feeling that, I'm pondering ending my relationship with B, While there is love and amazing sex, the lows are so fucking low. I just want someone to love me and have some time for me. And I am great with only 1 day a week.

I haven't had that with him in about 3 weeks and it's driving me nuts...because now it's gonna be another 2 weeks at least.

He is now off on his "annual vacation" with them. Them. The reason he is not mine.

Anyway, I've been doing a lot of thinking tonight about my new life, well, living situation (which actually should influence more activity on the former) and it occurs to me that B hasn't seen this place yet (well, it's not even been a week yet) but maybe this will the place I am when I finally decide to live a B free life.

But I love him so much. That's what usually happens. My love refuses to give up. He's [been] worth it in the end. Will he be this time? We'll see.

OOOOoooooh how appropriate..."Eat. Pray. Love" on instant play on Netflix. How fitting for my frame of mind these days.

So I think I might need to watch that movie again because I was trying to hard to read something into it that would be fitting for me and my life that I missed what might be fitting for me and my life.

Um, er, ahem...

Just another post written in the middle of the night. I'm actually a bit sleepy having just taken a shower. I've discovered I dig taking my shower at night because then I can sleep in just that little bit longer in the "morning".

I know I haven't posted in awhile. You know how it is right? Life just keeps happening and takes over. The wild thing is that I'm so overwhelmed and anxious about certain things that you'd think that writing about them would make me feel better but it's like I've got so much going on in my head and to try to even put it all down in writing is too much. My ordinary, humdrum life is being given a toss and turn. I'm still pissed off about the break-in and that they took my computer. I keep wondering if I'm going to find the house broken into again when I get home from work. I worry about the new computer and have been hiding it. Speaking of the new computer, I am very grateful I was given the opportunity to get it sooner rather than later but indulge me a bit in my whining about how it's not as nice as my other one. It's not as comfortable to "type" on I'm discovering as I write this post tonight, the first significant bit of writing I've done on it. And then there is that it heats up so quickly compared to the other one. Maybe I'll be able to someday afford an "upgrade" to that other one again. Working for Troy is going to only be a good thing for me financially. I've done one project so far and soon will be doing more....

But anyway...here I am. With change on the horizon. With excitement at the next chapter in my life story. But also with a little fear in my gut.

The change? Moving. Moving again. Out of the fabulous' house. In less than a week now. Moving in with Ryan, to rent out his basement. I still think it's wild how I only really intended to be here for a few months...maybe a year. And then that turned into about 2 1/2 years. She gave me a home...but more than that, came to my rescue in a variety of ways more times that I can count or will ever be able to thank her for. It is not lost on me that as a grown woman of 40 that I should not need rescuing but well, we all need help sometimes I guess. Right?

I'm not looking forward to the actual process of moving but then again, as it'll be my brother and Pop helping out once again, along with a co-worker and her truck and the lack of possessions I own I think we'll be done in a couple of hours. At least I hope that's the case as I have to work my usual shift that day!

I think Ryan and I will be good roommates. We're good friends but not joined at the hip and with our opposite schedules, again, it's an ideal set up for a roommate scenario. Plus with my being in the basement we'll each have our own space. And our own bathrooms!

The fear? On Wednesday (coincidentally also B's birthday!) I have to go to court for my accident with no car insurance. Finally. While I'm glad I'll be able to put it behind me, I'm freaking out about whether or not they're going to either take my license or throw me in jail or both! Everyone keeps telling me that it'll be fine but they've never been in my shoes! Various results from my search on "Google" say the same thing -because it is a misdemeanor "The Court can order you to serve up to 90 days of jail time. Other penalties for driving without insurance in Minnesota can be license suspension or revocation of your registration." . It's a first (and fucking last) offense so I'm going to pray neither of those things happen. Yup. I'm really gonna pray on this one. (Don't tell my parent's but I do actually pray sometimes...a lot of times to just give thanks for all the things I am thankful for...I don't think prayer or religion is only for the bad times...OK, not gonna get into all of that right now)

Anyhoo...my brother, the coolest big brother EVER is going to go with me, in fact drive me, just in case. I'm more grateful for the moral support than anything. I'm so glad I don't have to go and do it alone.

One way or another I will just have to deal with the consequences won't I? If I'm not mistaken I believe my new place is on a bus route too so if the worst that happened was the loss of my license then I'd still be able to get back and forth to work ...that would totally fucking suck but it wouldn't be the end of the world would it?

And think of the money I'd save on insurance and gas and repairs/maintenance! But oh how I'd mourn the loss of my freedom.

OK, OK, OK, this is why whenever I start thinking about going to court I get sick to my stomach. Time to think of something else. I will just hope and pray for the best and focus on the positive.

Ah crap, it's now 3am. I should think of calling it a night. OK. I think this will have to be enough for tonight.

G'night.

P.S. Am including a song that will hopefully remind me of another topic I'm going to revisit soon. Enjoy! Oh nevermind. Can't find a good "video" to embed for Colin Hay's "Waiting for My Real Life to Begin". Poo.

Here we go again.

Another post from the work computer.

Some fuckers broke in the Fabulous' house on Monday night. They took my laptop. The fuckers. They really did a number on the front door but I guess we should be grateful they didn't destroy anything else. And I know I'm grateful they didn't decide to harm the animals because I'm sure Pickles was barking up a storm. Good puppy!

But this is really all I'm going to say for now...I'm not going to go into all of the details...mostly because this is just an update post because I want to leave...though what am I hurrying home to?

I'm being reminded again just how dependent I am on having my own computer w/internet access. So time to reacquaint myself with reading, videos, DVD's and...going to bed at a halfway decent time!

Well, OK...

Onward. With prayers that her homeowner's insurance goes ahead and pays for a new computer (a girl can dream right?)

Nope, not gonna be easy money

It's gonna take organization, creativity and consistency to do the job and the compensation is fair.

I'm so excited and happy about this opportunity to work for/with Troy that it really has me thinking about the full-time job and if I can bear to stick with it.

I posted this status on FB the other day..."would almost rather poke my eyes out with a sharp stick that go to work "tomorrow" (saturday)"

and it's true.

While some of the callers are great ...and I get a kick out of selling the higher and/or premium cabin fares, overall the job feels like a heavy weight on my shoulders. And most of the pressure is called "stats". Worrying about them everyday, obsessing over them. You wouldn't think it would be so hard to maintain a decent amount of time being available for phone calls but it is. I'm also bored and so so tired of the same goddamn questions..."how many miles do I have", etc. Yet I still just want to be able to help as many as can w/out the pressure to get them off the phone or sell them on some damn credit card.

I've been saying that I'm burning out. I give 110% percent and it's catching up with me. But in thinking about looking for a new job (here we go again) there still is the reality that in this economy, with all of the other competition out there, that finding a new FT job that rewards good customer service w/out the pressure of the call center life may just be a dream.

So I am going to allow myself to take as much PTO as I want and focus on doing a good and productive job for Troy and have the airline job as just something I do to keep flight benefits. I'll go, do my thing and just get through the shift one hour at a time.

Did I mention how excited I am about what I'm going to be doing? I'll be his marketing assistant and responsible for the mailings of everything from direct mail letters, cards, gifts and invites to events. I can't help but feel a wee bit ...guilty about taking work away from maybe someone else who A. needs a job and B. has more experience in the field. I won't lie. I'm rusty on word processing programs, spreadsheets and mail merges but I am finding lots of help via that oh so wonderful search engine that is "Google"!

And I know that I deserve this opportunity and I WILL shine and help him become a lean, mean, organized, VP who stands out from the crowd. It's like all of this has awakened that part of me that enjoys being a big fish in a small pond. Being important and OMG, needed! Strangely I don't get that feeling from Delta. Even when there are a million calls on hold because hundreds of flights are canceled due to weather, I don't feel needed in that job. I'm merely a cog in the wheel. One of hundreds. The lowest on the totem pole.

Does Troy have any idea of the gift that he's giving me, just to feel this good about working a job? I'm going to have to do my best not to gush or thank him too much. I do have a tendency to go on a bit don't I? I guess I just feel so damn lucky.

☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡

Speaking of lucky...the tax refund gods were smiling on me this year. I've already filed AND gotten both my federal and state refunds back. And they were halfway decent amounts to boot! Goodbye $200+ Dr. bill that's been hanging over my head since last summer! And I'm pretty much caught up w/the Fabulous on rent & utilities and for sure will be back on track by the time I move next month (crikey! just a little over a month left here...) The guy I was in the accident with is paid off. That will help I'm sure when I go to court to deal with the consequences of my actions (or lack of action!) ...yeah, I'm gonna have to go to court after all. I thought that might be the case but then thought differently but now it's been confirmed. Am just waiting for the summons...

We're getting some money from profit sharing at the end of the month and I will sock that away toward my fines/ticket. I hope that by paying the fine in full and being very humble and this being my first offense that they won't take my license away or worse, throw me in jail! I should be more nervous and/or worried but I just can't think about that right now. I will just have to deal with it when it all happens. Jason said that if he wasn't working or on a job when my court date rolls around that he'd go with me. Thank god. This is going to be scary enough as it is. (I guess I better have a back-up in case he's not available since I feel that way...any volunteers?)

In spite of that, I feel lucky! I finally got around to dealing with finding a better rate for my car insurance and found way better...and I solemnly swear will never ever ever be without it again as long as I'm driving a car and will hopefully never have to go through all this shit again.

While I mostly paid bills, I did treat myself to a couple of things with the tax money...new underwear, a skirt and a shirt. I may have splurged a bit on the skirt but it's a beautiful long black sweater skirt...and while I already have several other black skirts, this one is "just right"...

OK, so it's like going on 3am and by the time I proof/edit this I'm sure it'll be after 3 so I'm going to just stop here for tonight.

More to come!

What I should have said was...

Ridiculously over paid AND easy money???? Or why on earth would it pay so well? Is it that terrible of a job?

So my mind is a racing a million miles an hour thinking more about this job I'm gonna do for Troy.

So many questions! We're talking tomorrow or Friday and hopefully I'll get a clearer picture of how this will work and the expectations.

I'm even pondering asking if maybe I shouldn't work out of his home base until after I move (less to move!!!!) plus then he doesn't have to schlep supplies over to me...the downside to that is that I'd have to get dressed and leave my house for this and it was kind of a nice idea that I could do this at home, in my PJ's!

Meh. We'll just see what we see after we talk about this some more.

In the meantime, I'm gonna do me a little more research on Variable Annuities and mail merges! Woo hoo. There is some exciting reading! :P

Ridiculously Over Paid or Easy Money?

Sometimes you can just be rolling along and living a boring life and then WHAM! Something exciting comes along...

Last week a former co-worker, Kathy, from a job I had years ago sent me an email telling me that one of my former "bosses", Troy, was looking for someone to do some Marketing work part-time and she gave him my email address. I half-jokingly asked Kathy if he asked for me or was just telling her that he was looking for anyone for this and she said he called her specifically looking for ME!!!! Talk about flippin' flattering! (Thank goodness I've kept in touch with her over the years, even if it's only the occasional email!)

Here's a little background...

Years ago I went through a temp phase job-wise and had all sorts of administrative/clerical & data entry gigs. One assignment was for a company called CUNA Mutual.

The job was to provide administrative support for a Financial Representative in a credit union, The woman I supported was named Lynn and she was awesome. Doing that temp gig was the coolest in all the assignments I'd had up to that point. I got a kick out of being someone's "assistant". (Finally felt like I'd found a job I really liked again after spending years getting nowhere doing another type of work I loved, arts ticketing and then dealing with the drudgery of office work)

After that assignment ended, I had some other jobs...(not that I remember what I did after that since that was like almost a decade ago now!) Anyhoo, a little bit of time passed and then since they/CUNA liked me well enough, they asked specifically (there's that word again...couldn't find a better one) for me to come and do another temp assignment with some Rep's at Postal Credit Union. Troy was one of the 2 Rep's I supported between a couple of their branches.

The woman who had been doing the job, Kelly? was going on maternity leave. After her leave was up, they kept me on with her, but part-time. Eventually they were able to make it permanent and full-time because Kelly decided to quit (she was moving out of state with her husband and the baby if I remember correctly?) The other Rep (I don't remember his name) eventually left, so it was just Troy and I doing our thing between the North St. Paul and West. St. Paul branches. As the nature of the beast that is life, things changed. Had the PCU had not decided to take over the Financial Services program and have their own Representative and decide to have one of their own employees supporting the Rep, I would have kept working for him and might still be working for him today.

I was totally bummed but that didn't last long because fate intervened and it turned out that Lynn, the first Rep. I'd supported needed someone to support her at US Federal Credit on a permanent, full-time basis as well. You know I'm not religious right? But that experience was one of the few times I truly felt that someone was looking out for me (you know, the big guy "upstairs"!).

While I was sad to not be working with Troy anymore, Getting to work with Lynn again was enough to make it not seem like the end of the world. They both were completely different in their styles and how they worked. Troy's strength was/is in dealing with his clients in person and would leave pretty much ALL of the administrative/office side of things to me. Lynn, while wonderful, was very self-sufficient (just a tiny example of that was that I would take care of his voice mail with writing down the messages and then reviewing them with him and she always listened to her own and kept track of them...not that I was complaining...I got to get really good at my job and later actually grew bored because it was not a challenging enough of a position...but we'll just skip the rest of that story)

I still say, to this day, that both of them are on my top 5 "bosses" of all time list.

So fast-forward to now.

After I got the email from Kathy, she sent me his phone number and I left him a slightly babbling voice mail last Tuesday. We finally touched base this morning before I left for work (thank goodness, the suspense was killing me!) and there have been lots of changes for him career-wise. He is no longer a practicing Financial Representative/Planner but now is on the Wholesale side of things and sells a specific Variable Annuity for a company called SunAmerica to other Financial Representatives and Stockbrokers. He said he pretty much works out of his car, has an office in his car and spends most of his time out on the road making sales calls. It's his own business and his wife does most of his administrative work. He also has a scheduler and an internal wholesaler who helps with the follow-up on the annuity once it's sold.

What he needs, is looking for, is he'd like [me] to be part of "Team Troy" in being the person who is responsible for the mailings that are sent to out prospective clients -everything thing from thank-you's, "trinkets" (pens, etc.), to mailings of what I can only assume are introductory letters and information about the "product".

He would supply everything, supplies, printer, postage, etc. And I would only have to spend about 5-7 hours a week on this. And the pay is $25/hr.

$25 an hour.

$25 an hour.

I can work from home (will have to create a "home office" environment and find a place to store the supplies and "trinkets"). I can do it when I want. I don't have to get up early (hallefuckingjulah) or go anywhere, except for the post-office. I don't have to "dress" up. I don't have to interview for this! It's mine if I want it. OMG.

Am I fucking dreaming or what?

We have a lot more to talk about and will be talking again on Friday morning. I've already got a bunch of questions for him and will have a million more by the time Friday rolls around. I'm going to want to do a good job and make the most of this opportunity.

I've got to remember or figure out mail merging again!

So wow huh?

☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡

Boy, can life ever be interesting sometimes. It's time I remind myself of things I have to be grateful for. (Maybe by focusing on some positive things it'll distract me from the actual pain in my neck that I woke up with today. It hurts like a motherfucker. But I don't want to go to the doctor because he's only going to recommend more physical therapy instead of a chiropractor...actually you know what? Fuck that, I'm getting nice amounts of tax refunds this year (thank god!) and along with catching up some rent w/the Fabulous and paying off my ticket from that damn accident (the guy is finally paid off though, Yee Haw) I might just go ahead and pay for an appointment with one...and I think it would be a reimbursable expense from my FSA funds...?) Anyhoo...where was I?

Oh yeah, the things I'm grateful for.

I found cheaper car insurance. It helps that I can use my new upcoming address (did I mention moving is happening mid-March? Yup, gonna rent from Ryan. Totally excited about that but I'll talk about all of that in a bit) and signed up for renter's insurance. The savings of like $75 or so bucks a month will help my bottom line.

Hmm...what else? Well, the moving thing.

Ryan found a really great house and the closing will be on Feb. 18th barring any unforeseen complications (of which I hope there are none that can't be overcome)

It's in Robbinsdale and has the perfect set-up for renting to someone with it's finished basement with a toilet and shower. It also has a 2 car garage and a cute little patio/deck.

The commute to work will be similar, maybe a wee bit longer, but easy as it's mostly freeway (please let Suzette keep runnin'!) of Highway 100 and 494. I will be sad to leave the home that the Fabulous has given me the last 2+ years but life is changing for her big time and it's time for me to move on. I don't know how long I'll be with Ryan but I'm going to take the time to really get my financial shit in order so that maybe someday I can get my own place again. I'm so tired of moving. Thank goodness I don't have a lot of stuff. (I'm actually tempted to get rid of even more of the few things I have, but a lot of it is what I call my "history" in the form of journals, photos and date books/calendars that date back years and years.)

Sheesh, it's late and I've yet to devote any time to the zillons of FB games that I "play"! Maybe I'll just take the night off and let the crops wither and the food/drinks spoil. I've got the latest Nora Roberts novel "The Search" waiting for me to dive back into and of course work tomorrow so maybe I'll even try to get to bed at a reasonable time...Oh who are we kidding?

☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡

Valentine's Day is coming up and other than 2 great cards I found for B, I have no idea what to do for him this year. I think I'll need to spend a little time thinking about what he'd like (besides the obvious! :P). I hope he gets me at least a card that is as absofuckinglutely awesome as last years...that one was the best card he's EVER given me (and then the birthday one, the significant 40th birthday one was the most boring and impersonal card ever..what was up with that? Uh, guess I'm not quite over that yet am I? Get over it Sam! He shows his love to you in a thousand other little ways and it all counts in the big picture!)

☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡

Work sucks as usual. Between the pressure to maintain stats (calls per hour, talk time, etc.) and the massive amounts of canceled flights from volcanic ash, improper scheduling of flights w/out the crews to work 'em and fucking winter storms/snow, it's been a nightmare for months. But I'm thankful I have a job. I'm thankful I have a job. I'm thankful I have a job. I'm thankful I have job. (Oh to only really truly believe that)

Well...I think I'll just stop here for tonight. I'm sure I'm forgetting to write about something but I can't think of it (obviously :P ) so I guess just...

Onward. With scads and scads of things to do to be prepared for this new part-time gig.

Anniversary

Before I write this post tonight, I really should move my lazy butt up off this bed and walk the 3 feet to the bathroom. Not sure why I'm putting it off. When you gotta go, you gotta go.

I'm just so warm and cozy snuggled up under my comforter. Enjoying the feel of freshly laundered sheets. B was over tonight and it was a nice slice of domesticity to have his help in turning the mattress around and then putting the sheets on the bed.

Tomorrow, technically now today since it's after midnight, is the anniversary of making the choice to put poor Louis out of his misery. The hardest day (outside of the days of finding out my grandpa had died and the day of his funeral) of my young life.

I still think of him, Louis, every single day in one way or another. Usually when I'm in my room and looking around at his favorite places to sleep, like the end of the bed. Sebastian has adopted that now and it's sweet. I am grateful that the Fabulous has her "kids" that have become dear to me and fill some of the space that was left in my heart after saying good-bye to Louis.

Sebastian, with his fur several shades of ginger is actually about the same size and sheds just about as much! ...but that is the only thing they have in common. Louis was a cranky old man w/everyone else especially in the last year or so of his life and Sebastian is more of a lover not a fighter and sweet as can be.

But will I ever want another pet of my own again? No. Nope. No. I am content with loving the pets in the house and will miss them when it comes time to move out but I am still done with taking on the responsibilities of my own. The ability to not only feed and clean up after them combined with loving care and attention is just a bit much for me now. (I'm not exactly succeeding 100% in taking proper care of myself let alone another)...it feels a bit selfish when I know there are lots of animals that need loving homes out there but I am just going to draw that line in the sand.

So a year ago it felt like the end of the world and I never thought I would be done with the crying but life just goes on doesn't it? You keep just getting up each day and putting one foot in front of the other.

I hope that wherever Louis and/or his spirit is, he knows I miss him, will always miss him.

Are YOU bored?

Happy 2011. And life is the same. I don't know why I thought that life would somehow be different in a new year.

(Duh, if you want to change you have to be the change right?)

I had a brief one-on-one with my manager tonight. And she tries so hard with me to keep me positive. I don't make it easy for her sometimes. Tonight I was moaning and groaning about that there is just so much shit happening all at once and I am overwhelmed. Between the stuff with the car/my financial irresponsibility, my boredom and frustrations with work, my physical self issues, my hate of winter and cold weather I'm not exactly the most charming company these days. (Not that I went into all of that with her...)

It's just all too much sometimes.

And it's all I can do sometimes to get out of bed in the morning. I'm toying with the idea of going back into therapy...

Blah.

And on top of all of that, I'm restless with my life. I find myself in a routine and while some routine and structure is good for me, I'm beginning to wonder if this is all there is. Is this is as good as it gets? (LOVE LOVE that movie!)

Again, I know, if I want to change it up, it's up to me but the thing is that I don't know what I want out of life outside of the basic need to work and the occasional get-together with friends and family.

Maybe I just need a life coach? Too bad they cost money. (Not that I don't think they deserve to get paid for what they do...) *sigh*

☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡

Meh. Maybe it's just a case of the winter doldrums. I spent most of the night before last (after a low-key date w/B) and most of yesterday and last night watching "Firefly" and then after done w/all the ep's, watching "Serenity". I've seen them both before but just was in the mood for a little sci-fi w/a hint of western thrown in for good measure. Nothing like drowning yourself in a little TV to take your mind off your troubles.

☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡

OK, that's enough of that tonight. Think I'll just go take a shower and try to crash out at a decent hour tonight.

Onward. One foot in front of the other.

Happy New Year

So and here it is again.

Last year on this day I was in Amsterdam having one of the greatest adventures of my life. At the time it was challenging but it sure has given me a great story to tell and it was good to step out of my little world...

On the heels of that trip, I wanted to have lots of adventures in 2010 and I certainly did, both good and not so good.

Do I want to review them and/or the past year or just move on and try to focus on this "fresh start" that we now have??? Nah, I think I'll skip the re-hash of the years events and just keep looking forward...

I think I've decided that every day I'm going to make some kind of resolution, even if it's just something like "stay positive" when feeling overwhelmed and see how that goes. No sense making those "grand gesture" resolutions that eventually you forget all about. I like how Gabbi put it in her blog...

"This year, I will resolve to just do the next right thing.

The next right thing. One at a time, one after another."

It's too much pressure otherwise. What I need to do is to focus on the steps I take, even if they're baby steps, that just keep me moving forward to wherever life will take me next.

It's time I also focus on the fact that I've got some amazing friends who have been showing what true friendship is all about and it's about time I gave them a shout out. I've got many people to thank for being a friend to me and being there for me but for tonight (and in the interest of this not being a post so long you nod off while reading :P) I'll just mention a couple of people...

Frankly, I had a crappy Christmas. Well, crappy in that I was working and there were several hundred canceled flights and therefore hundreds of unhappy callers. Then due to some lack of communication w/B, I didn't get to spend the evening with him after work.

I was at my wits end and hating the holiday(s) when Diane reached out to me and talked me off of what I'm calling "the edge." We actually spent over 2 hours on the phone and it felt like we were back being our boy-crazy, teen-aged selves while yet still being able to piss and moan about some of the downsides to being an adult. It is a really cool thing to have someone in your life that has known you for decades and "gets" you.

(I've said it before but I'm gonna say it again. I'm so happy we're re-establishing our friendship and while being incommunicado for several years wasn't great, it sure is giving us lots of new stories to tell to each other.)

And she is so...wise. I think she's always been wise but I've just never realized or appreciated it until now.

Then there is Ryan. Thanks to him and my new friend Kari (his new g/f) my New Year's Eve DIDN'T suck.

Have I mentioned how much I hate New Year's Eve? Not being able to be w/B and kissing him at midnight is hard. It's the holiday I feel the most alone on (next to Memorial Day, Labor Day and Independence Day) (Oh the choice I make. *Sigh*) (my wild idea of going to Amsterdam again wasn't a possibility due to the current financial state of affairs) I was starting to panic a bit about what I would be doing to get through the night. I was lucky that I had several options too! Diane, Michelle and even my parent's extended an invite to me, but I opted for going up to Duluth w/him and Kari to hang out with them and her friends that she's known forever. And Kari is awesome. She's what I'd call a straight-shooter. She doesn't seem to take any bullshit or seem afraid to speak her mind. And you can tell she really is listening to you. Awesome.

Anyhoo, where was I? Oh yeah...I'm quite proud of the fact that I chose to do something instead of sitting around home feeling sorry for myself again. (As you well know, I've excelled at that.)

We got there in time to relax and swim in the hotel pool before heading out for the evening. I love swimming. Wait, let me say that again...I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE swimming. When I'm in a pool, I'm weightless and free and get to be the ballerina I always wanted to be when I was a little girl.

We got dolled up and I even wore make-up (!!!) and we braved the crappy weather to have a good time out. It was a good evening and I'm also proud of the fact that I didn't get so inebriated as to be really sick today (just tired.)

Ryan is such a good friend at making me feel included and not expecting anything from me other than my company and friendship. I can totally be myself around him...every facet of me that I don't necessarily show off to others. (Granted, in general, I think I could rein some of my personality in ...I tend to be a bit outrageous and probably over-share more than I need to. While maybe it's cool to be such an open and honest person, I probably don't need to put it all out there do I? (But is that just me and something I shouldn't change??) We'll maybe talk about that at another time???)

I thought about having Jenn create another New Year's card for me to send out this year but never got around to with all the stuff going on the past couple of months. I will send some personalized emails instead.

Going forward now will be about meeting my financial obligations, figuring out where I'm moving to next and continuing to take the best care of myself that I can.

And I think I'll start with putting myself to bed at a decent hour tonight.

G'night.