Alone again, naturally.

 O & V moved into their own place last Friday night. I felt alone and lonely and miserable and threw myself quite the pity party at varying times over the weekend. Now, Monday and back to work and it's odd to work in complete silence (apart from the music I've got playing) again. No more hearing O coming home from work and V coming home from school. Just me and the cat. 

A big part of the loneliness was coming from that I've not lived alone -except for a couple of months in between E moving out and O/V moving in -since I lost Pop. 

This just sort of compounds feelings I've had before about how alone in the world I feel I am now. I think I just need to shake it off. I mean, deal with it by realizing, I'm NOT alone -I've got dear friends -and I'm going to enjoy getting used to having my own space again. 

And as of right now, the only other person I want to live with is B. Or at least we spend a lot of nights together. 

Yeah, B. Love of my life. 

Fall - Death and Birth

Just like the leaves that will soon start falling off of the trees, change is afoot in my life again. It's time for O and V to move on -especially to a place closer to school. 1 bus, not 2/3. I so get it. And there will most likely be a new roommate right away, D. We'll see. That reminds me, I forgot to text that we should arrange for him to come see the place and meet me. 

I'm so glad I met these 2. Especially V. He's taught me so much about being straightforward and honest, how to think about things differently -they don't have to be the way they always have been -and about how much I could love another child besides E & O. 

But I also kinda want my space back. I told V that as much as I love them, that's what I want and he had no problem with it whatsoever and then went and came up with a much better solution than holding off on having someone move in and that's to just say welcome but that I'm going to need an emotional break for a bit. Brilliant!

And I know logically, this isn't the end for us. Just the end of this chapter. 

Onward and Upward

State of the Sam - Birthday 2024

So here we are. 1 day more and I'm 54. 

It's been a wild year, summer...

Because of the uncertainty of my future with B, I decided to put myself on dating apps. 

And this time around, I decided I was going to be completely and openly just myself, as I am now, RA and all. Include full-body pictures!! I wasn't going to be coy, or mysterious and speak up if I felt I needed to. 

For so long, I have forgotten that I deserve love and companionship as I am right now. And deserve it even with B. I don't have to have gotten rid of my RA, lose a ton of weight, have a nicer place, or be completely debt-free. He hasn't asked those things of me, I just assumed they were more important than they are. And while those things are nice and I'm aiming for them, they're all just part of my being a work in progress and even if I don't achieve every goal, it doesn't mean I'm unworthy. 

I'm still capable of love and sex (for the most part, getting on my knees is the main no-go ; ) ) and have lots to give. I can also go out and do stuff. I'm not the most mobile but I can get around and/or I'm willing to try. 

For some reason I've yet to understand, I had convinced myself that I had to be a better, more grown-up/adult  version of myself and just be someone I'm not and may never be -in order to be ready for a real relationship [with him.] 

I wonder if that will even happen anymore. I hate that I can't talk about the future, our future, with him. We've only spent the last few years planning on it only for things to go off the rails into what-the-fuck land where old hurts are surfacing and I'm left confused and unsure. 

So, the apps. Ugh. They're worse now. Men in their 40s & 50s that are out there say they're looking for love -but mostly want to get laid. 

And I'm not that person anymore. Have I ever been that person or was that just desperation and low standards?

Where I'm at now is that I know, I KNOW, what it's like to be intimate with the person you love (thank you for that B!) and I don't want anything other than, no matter how horny I might be. I also now believe I would be what they call, "demisexual" -

"Demisexuality is a sexual orientation where people only feel sexual attraction to someone after forming a strong emotional bond with them. This is different from primary sexual attraction, which is based on immediate characteristics like appearance or smell and is felt right after a first encounter. Demisexual people can develop romantic feelings for others, but they only experience sexual attraction with partners they are deeply connected to."

And no matter the profile I look at, they're not B. I'm looking for another him -just one that's available -and I'm not finding him or anyone that appeals to me. Oh sure, I've been keeping my mind as open as I can, but I know that my heart really belongs to B. 

I tell ya, B has totally spoiled me. I now have high expectations for any man who becomes involved with me. To quote from a song in one of my favorite movies of all time, "Grease" - "he's the one I want." 

So...O & V are still with me and I should be feeling more anxious about whether they're going to stay longer. Well, I was, at first, but now I understand. It's nice to be able to take a quick walk to school, work, or to shop, when your legs are your primary mode of transportation. I briefly toyed with the idea of moving with them but...no. I love my home.  

And I know V feels isolated here but that will change, I feel confident it will change when he makes some friends from school and/or IRL. He'll have things to do, elsewhere! And I know there's more to it, but that's a big reason why it would be a good decision on their part. And yes, it's their decision. (They're a team and I've had to learn to handle my jealousy about that (and that's a post for another day. Maybe.))

But...but...but...I am a 2nd mom to V and I like the job, a LOT. This kid has turned my world upside down, in the best possible way. I didn't know I was capable of such love for a child. Oh sure, I love E & O but I don't have any direct say in how they're growing up. With V...I'm learning so much. Things don't have to be the way they were. And why not express our opinions? And why not question things? Watching someone, and trying to help him, grow up into a good, happy, young man, is a fascinating and frustrating experience. 

*sigh* I'm sure they also would just like their own house.  

So the future remains uncertain in that regard. 

BTW, I'm loving my new boobs. I'm so happy and I don't feel like a freak anymore. I had to get a new swimsuit top! I find myself touching them a lot because I can't believe they're this small now! 

And to now just keep on working on making better food/drink choices. 

And this is the summer that O lost her dad and N lost her mom. I feel their pain. 

It's been over 2 years since Pop finally let go of his life. That's really the best way to describe it. He let go. And he's at peace. I think it's a lovely goal to be at peace with your life and the choices you made, throughout your life, when your end comes. Without the "self-termination" that is. 

So, birthday. Sleep in, eat some edibles, and then pool time with V. It should be a good day! Then a combined birthday pool party with O on Saturday. That should be fun!  

Onward and Upward.

Summer 2024

 Current songs played on repeat for hours:

"Chemical" Post Malone

"Talk About Love" Kate Hudson

"Fortnight" (feat. Post Malone) Taylor Swift

Current state of home: 

    I will most likely be losing O and V to their own apartment if O changes work locations to be nearer to V's school - It really does make sense for them to live within walking distance and not have to worry about learning to drive and only occasionally having to take the bus vs. relying on it so heavily. 

And I have to let them go. 

And while a part of me will be very happy to have my quiet life back...I'm not sure how I'm going to feel living alone again after living through the experience of becoming family with them. 

I asked Pop for someone to love and he sent me 2, but I didn't ask for my forever someone. 

I just want to have my life partner already. I don't want to go through life alone anymore. 

And now they're probably leaving and life will be changing substantially again. 

I've been working toward acceptance that they weren't planning on staying with me forever for months - ever since it came up with V in a conversation we had. I was very upset at the time but that was related to losing even more important people I love and well, I guess it was a trigger. 

Why doesn't anyone want to be with me forever? Yeah, I'm counting B in that. 

We are in a vicious circle of our own - I don't believe he's really going to keep his promise to marry me but by telling him I don't trust him, it proves that I don't believe him ...or something like that. I'm HAF right now. 

But...I'm so confused. Maybe it won't all matter and I should run away somewhere. I'm behind on my mortgage and unless I can get my shit together I'm going to lose this place so nothing is tying me to Minnesota anymore. Well, Jason but he has his wife and soon-to-be-here step-daughter. He's got his family and religion. 

N has pulled away, just has so much going on in her world. 

I have E but he's focused on finding a relationship of his own

R, K & the boys, have such full lives with school, sports, etc. 

Oh god, I'm feeling so lonely right now and crying. 

I may have Noire but she only loves me because I feed her, scoop her poop and pet her. 

If I let this place go...I better be going somewhere else where I'm not going to be alone. 

Where could I go? Where could I afford to go? Is there even anyone who I could move closer to...Scott and San Diego are not an option. Not yet anyway. 

A & M up in Grande Prairie AB? 

Cousin J (here in MN/she) Cousin J (down in FL/he) 

God, I'm really feeling sorry for myself. 

Not even being grateful for things I do have in my life...the people who do love me ....is working this time. 

Fuck. I'm a fucking mess right now. Bringing myself down - well time to distract!!!!!

Spring 2024

Another time of year when dead things come back to life. In nature anyway. 

Today is the 2-year anniversary of losing Sally. Did I ever mention that? And the 2nd anniversary of losing Pop is just around the corner, July 3rd. 

And just like then, B is missing from my life while I deal with the grief and loss. 

All of a sudden, in the space of a few months I lost Sally, Pop and B was gone too. It's a wonder I didn't lose my mind. 

Ups and downs, ups and downs. Our last conversation made me feel like I was the bad guy. For making him feel bad and like he's a terrible person. I'm the bad guy for wanting to talk about our future. I'm the bad guy because I'm bringing reality into the situation. 

He doesn't understand that, of course, I'm going to speak my mind because I've been able to do that with him during our whole relationship. I have someone who listens to and pays attention to me, so I have a certain standard now. I can't imagine being in a relationship with anyone who you couldn't talk to about anything with. 

Is it not normal to be straightforward, honest and direct in a relationship? 

I do truly believe that IF we do end up together, that we will indeed need therapy if we have any chance of turning what we have, what we've had, into a real relationship. Love isn't enough to repair years of mistrust, and insecurities. 

Then again, is that enough of a reason to say, forget it and we shouldn't bother? Are we already doomed because I won't be able to really get over the resentment of waiting for the man I love for so long? 

The reason for all the waiting has been love. Love he has for his daughter, love I have for him. And right now I'm not feeling much love. 

I am just feeling like all of this waiting is, well, just not worth it. 

At least I finally realized that I'm worthy of a relationship and love right now just as I am. I don't have to be "better" in any areas of my life 

I want someone to commit forever to and they do the same with me. We choose each other and put the other one first. 

All I want is someone to call my own and put me first and I'll do the same for them. 

I know V and O won't stay here forever - and as much as that pains me, it's the reality. 

But, if at the end of the day, it's me, Noire and maybe some other cats, I'm OK with that. 

Reality vs. Fantasy

Well hello no one! 

Even if no one is reading this anymore, it's here for me. 

So I did it. 

And, they're smaller than I think I wanted. I definitely don't have the breasts in my Venus poster and that's a bummer. 

And it seems crazy to complain about that. Considering I went from an L cup to now whatever size I am - the surgeon said she'd be going for a C cup but I think I am closer to a B -and really that is just a guess. Recovery continues and it will be a while before things settle down enough for me to know what new size I am. 

I think. 

I've got another follow-up with Dr. Luong in a couple of weeks. I will need to ask her what more to expect -besides my nipples starting to look normal again. 

It still doesn't feel quite real even though it's now been over a month since surgery. 

I catch my reflection and the good news is that I don't hate myself anymore. NOW I can get to neutral. 

And not having back pain because of carrying those girls anymore is wonderful! 10 lbs removed in one surgery! 

I've been so motivated to have this be just part 1 of creating a new relationship with my body before it's too late but the last couple of days I've just been...meh. 

Having reduction surgery was indeed the right thing to do for me. I'm looking forward to wearing things I couldn't wear before! 

Maybe it's OK if I take this time to continue resting before I take on anything else. 

Well, we'll just see how I feel over the next 3 weeks or so. I meet with the dietitian on April 5. 

I thought I had a lot more to say but not really so...

Au revoir 

Saying Goodbye to "the Girls"

On Friday, February 9, 2024, I am having breast reduction surgery. 

I need a chance to live differently in my body before it's too late. 

I'm also going to be meeting with the weight management team that Allina has. 

Not just breasts, but the rest of me needs serious attention. 

I'm tired of being disconnected from my body. 

I am finally feeling a very strong desire to sincerely lose weight. It's like the reduction is giving me a fresh start of sorts. 

And in re: the girls? I'm not going to miss them at all. 

I'm really not. 

They're just ugly and I hate them. I'm tired of carrying them around and living with constant back pain. 

It's the longest surgery I'll have had afterwards and that scares me a little bit. 

I'm fully putting my trust in the anesthesiologist to make sure I sleep through it all AND wake up!!!

So now, next question. Should I video the experience, for myself? Starting now? Maybe.

I'm sure there is a lot more I could write right now about this but nah, just an update. 

Onward and Upward, but with soon, smaller tits.