Well, THIS is a brilliant one (After I write this I decide this is also kind of a sarcastic title too.)

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." -Robert Frost

(Thanks to Sara from STCU)

And isn't that the truth. It goes on.

The apartment is mine. I move May 12. I'm beyond excited to start the next chapter of my life. While it's been a great experience to live with R ( & then K), it's time to move on.

It's a bit more than I thought I would be spending and the car will probably have to go if I don't want to be broke all the time (again) but I know I can make it work if I can just stop -or at least curb -the desire to spend every damn dime I've got in my pocket (what the hell is THAT all about anyway???)

As I continued to go through boxes last weekend, I came across a bunch of photos and some of them were of my apartment at Grant St. Commons. I think I was excited about that one too...the big window with the awesome view of downtown, the dishwasher, the fitness room, the fairly good-sized apartment with an area where it wouldn't be obvious to have the bed...

But this is better. It's St. Paul. It's got its own washer & dryer! It's kitty corner from a nice park - Mears Park. It's a block away from the one bus to take me to work. I guess somehow I just keep gravitating toward that kind of life -downtown and on good public transportation (I need that freedom for when a car is not available.)

But as I think about this new life of mine, I do think about what that new life is going to be like. Living here, I have friends, just upstairs and I never feel alone, even when they're not home.

There, it will be me. Just me. Not even a cat this time to keep me company. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Now, I prefer to spend plenty of time by myself. I'm content with my company and don't feel lonely but will I feel lonely living on my own?

I guess I'm hoping that since I'll be in St. Paul, I'll be closer to my St. Paul friends...and there is no reason in the world why we shouldn't get together. I'll be on the same side of the river as my parent's. I'll be in a busier part of downtown (Grant St. really didn't have a lot of good stuff nearby/the area of downtown Minneapolis not exactly the swankiest) -Lowertown has supposedly got a lot going on. And if anything, there is a liquor store a block away. Maybe I'll just become a functioning alcoholic. Kidding!

I hate this waiting though...it's like I'm going to go have this wonderful new adventure and it's taking FOREVER to happen.

I'm eager to decide how I'm going to decorate. I don't have really any of the stuff I had at Grant St. (or Grand Ave.) and so will be starting kind of fresh with that stuff too.

Because none of my stuff "matches" and my mom wants to give me stuff that doesn't "match", I think I may embrace the eclectic, hodge-podge, look. Well at first anyway. While I figure out the money and how to add pieces that coordinate and make it look classy and pulled together. In the meantime, I'll just have fun bringing the various parts of my life coming together (old/antique furniture, modern art, clean & classic furniture, pillows made out of old concert t-shirts (thanks to Nita at work!!!)

I think I will keep a minimalist vibe going though and not go crazy with accumulating stuff. While I will be determined to stick around this place for a long long time, actually settle down and put down some roots, I'd like to do it without becoming someone who will have an episode of "Hoarders" filmed about them.

So now I'm doing that thing I sometimes do and am really thinking about my life ....because there is still that thought... is THIS it???

Work, sleep, play around online, eat, occasionally socialize with my friends, occasionally spend time with my parents.

Is that enough? Will that be enough?

*Sigh*

Oh great, Now I'm dwelling on the big question.... What is the purpose of my life???

What am I getting out of bed for everyday?

In the past, it's been small things like having a book from my favorite author to look forward to. Or another season of a favorite TV show to watch. Simple things like that.

Whoa. This is getting a bit sad isn't it? I didn't mean for things to get so heavy.

But life does go on, doesn't it? You just take it one moment at a time. There are priorities and those priorities enable me to enjoy life ...

I think that I will have to do some serious thinking though about what I want to accomplish with my life --- not that I want to cure cancer or run a marathon...it just seems like there should be more than just getting from one day to the next. From one paycheck to the next.

I probably just should just relax until I'm there and see how it goes shouldn't I?

OK. I will just ...chill.

A Walk Through the Past and a Look at My Future

So I've found my new home. Well, that is if I get approved. I'm a wee bit nervous about that as my "finances" are less than perfect.

So here I was all ready to settle on the beautiful, fancy new interior/old exterior building of the Historic MN Building because I would get a 1 bedroom w/the washer and dryer and a dishwasher for less than $800 (eeeeeeek!) but then I went ahead and went downtown St. Paul (to the Lowertown "part" of downtown) yesterday to check out what I thought would be a loft. Well, it wasn't a loft, though it does have the extremely high ceilings so you kind of feel like you're in a loft. It's a building called The Parkside. (I found some old reviews that are of the negative sort but I am going to hope things are better now.)

...it's a studio ...and over $800... : /

When I walked in, I was instantly smitten with the hallway that led to the bathroom and has the closet because the wall was painted red! A deep beautiful red.

Then you keep going and there is a real kitchen, fairly good-sized with a pass through and breakfast bar. The washer/dryer are tucked into a closet at the back of it.

Then you go further and then you are in the main living space and the first thing you notice is the huge arched window with a ledge that takes up almost the entire wall. Already with blinds. And with a view of Mears Park (well you have to lean forward a bit) ...in the summer, I can open the window and here any music in the park, in the winter I will see the tree lights.

The guy living there now was doing the place a disservice by having this wooden structure built up and out and a massive bed. But I can just imagine my stuff working well in it. The MN building while lovely, felt ...cold and my stuff would not fit it. I would want to spend money I won't have on buying stuff to fit in, while this place, is kind of shabby chic and that's me. And my favorite possessions fit in well with shabby chic.

It felt like the kind of place that was ...me. A little old and worn but with potential. Lots of potential and charm. :D

I can't wait to see it empty and clean and freshly painted (they will freshen up the red since I want to keep that and paint another wall for free -that color tbd) and just waiting for me.

Damn, if I don't get it, I am going to be so bummed.

Last night I was online for hours looking up decorating tips for studios. Looking at furniture on craigslist.org. I've latched onto the idea of my main piece of furniture for sitting in the living area being a chaise lounge. We'll see. My parent's have some furniture they're going to give me.

I won't be moving until early May and these next 2 months will be about going through my possessions, yet again, so I have less to move...in a way, I want to start fresh. In a way I will be.

I think it's significant that this fresh start would have a zip code that is 55101. I went from 55402 to 55102 to 55412 to 55422 ...and while most of those years have been the best yet and I've been steadily climbing out of the pit I had fallen into, I like the idea of starting the next chaper of my life -the early 40's -with a 55101. Eh, maybe that sounds a little ...woo-woo? but there you have it.

☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯

Anyhoo...so the walk through my past began with one of the boxes I've been carting around for at least a decade (if not longer) ...I went through a couple batches of letters and cards. I made the decision to toss letters from that guy Erik I was corresponding with when I was in High School. While I liked him, I've never considered him to be one of the loves of my life. I also got rid of letters from this guy Jason who was a friend. A nice guy but not a romantic prospect. Just another guy who was a friend (*sigh* I've had a lot of those over the years.)

I'm keeping the...wild (seriously!) letters Addison wrote me when I was contemplating having a relationship with him -including letters sent after I decided that I didn't want to be with him after all. In all fairness, it really wasn't him, it was me. It was during an "off" time w/B yet my heart still belonged to him. (Who are we kidding, it's belonged to B since the first time we "went all the way".) I didn't want to be with somebody for the sake of being with someone. (And thus a quirkyalone was born!)

I'm keeping 1 of the 2 letters from Byron. (The one I am not keeping is a letter he wrote after I wrote him where he tells me he didn't read my letter and I needed to move on with my life as he was with his. The one I'm keeping was written about 3 years after he wrote that other letter. (So I must have written him again, refusing to accept never being in contact with him) what was THAT all about???) I'm keeping the 3 notes from Jens, which includes his note back to me after I finally screwed up the courage to tell him I liked him. (Then again, I don't remember a time in my life where I wasn't making the first move!)

I'm keeping letters from Grandpa, even though I can't bear to read them right now, even though he's been gone for a few years now. I'm keeping letters from my parent's and my aunt Sally. I'm keeping birthday cards from Diane and Scotty.

I'm not keeping anything from Erich. *sigh* Erich. A huge part of my life for a long time. But I think it's best we leave that chapter alone for now. Will I regret not keeping the birthday cards and letters he gave me over the years? Maybe. But this is all about embracing my future and letting go of some of the past.

I was looking at old photos. Came across ones taken when I was in High School, when we lived on Magnolia St. God, that seems like a million lifetimes ago.

I'm going to get rid of (try to sell) the albums and 45's I have because I have no turntable and maybe someone else would appreciate them. I'm going to go through my cassette tapes and anything I already have on CD or have downloaded over the years, will be donated to somewhere (there has GOT to be somewhere I can donate them too...I couldn't bear to throw them away...could I?)

It's disconcerting to look at all of this stuff, old photos and such. Thinking about being back in those moments and having it seem like it's all just a series of dreams I had.

I'm reminded of places I've been -New York and London. I'm reminded of people who I've known who I don't know anymore.

I'm reminded why I'm such a homebody now. I worked a lot, I went out a lot, I saw a lot, I felt a lot. Now it's about enjoying the simpler things in life. But yet how excited am I about being in Lowertown? I get to feel like I've moved to a completely new place that begs to be explored and explore I will!

So I will have to focus and keep getting to work. I will have to keep maintaining the peace I've found with myself and how I live my life. I have it in me to succeed and get what I want out of life and not fuck it up. I need to not be afraid to venture out on my own again (I'm still haunted by the failure in losing my job with CUNA & not being able to stay in the apartment at Grant St. Commons.)

How fortunate I am that I've had a few years now to get back on my feet in a few different ways. I will always be grateful to the fabulous and to Ryan for ...taking me in and being as flexible and patient with me as they were/are.

What next?

I'm so so tired.

This year has been exhausting so far and it's only the beginning of March.

Right now I'm feeling like I could just implode or maybe I mean if one more thing happens, I just might shatter into a million pieces (oooh, who's feeling dramatic tonight??) too many....changes in a short span of time. Or maybe what I mean is too much excitement at one time is too much?

...my mother is back in the hospital again. She wasn't sleeping and her oxygen levels were dangerously low again. She picked up a cold which gave her a bad cough and this is the 2nd time she's been in the hospital in the last few weeks.

Last time they at least determined that she wouldn't need heart surgery. Thank god.

Tonight I stopped by to see her and while she was chatting with the Nursing Assistant Erin I was flipping through this book of poetry she put together a few years ago. She's really good. (Why she has that with her at the hospital is a question I'm gonna have to ask her.)

And I find myself so worried about her. I found out last night that the mother of one of very favorite singers died back in January and so maybe that's why I've been thinking about this so intensely tonight In regards to my own mother, while there have been times she's been an utter and complete bitch, she's also been the most amazing woman to have as my mother and if I lose her I don't think I could bear that. Tonight on my way home I started to think maybe it's time she lived in an assisted living environment ...wonder if that would even be possible with Pop able to still take care of her. And boy does he take care of her. And I feel like the worst daughter in the world for placing this responsibility squarely on his shoulders. I wonder if I'll be brave enough to have that conversation with him, with her...with them. Or is it really not that bad?

Anyway, I'm all fucking talk and no action and it's time I stepped up to the fucking plate.

Since things have ended with B, my mother has become my biggest cheerleader. Oh she was already a fan and thinks I'm brilliant and wonderful...but now it's like she's being the one that helps me feel like I'm a worthy person. Oh sure, I know I'm supposed to feel that all on my own...not get validation from anyone else but myself but there is something quite wonderful about having people in your life that are supportive, positive and think you're A OK.

And don't even get me started about the other woman in my family who is fucking amazing. My wise, insightful, talented, loving aunt Sally who has her own health issues and says she could literally could drop dead any day now. She's asked me to be the one who would make sure she would have a funeral service in a church. (WTF???? She better not die before I do!!!!) How can I say no when I'm really all she has? Her husband and son wouldn't do the church thing. She says Joel would probably just have her cremated and that's it. My mother is not up for this and Pop has enough on his plate with taking care of mom. Plus they wouldn't have anything to do with any churches that weren't their own. Her other siblings...my aunt Mindy up in Canada wouldn't probably go down to FL. And my uncle Steven is ...worthless...estranged from the family...well my mother anyway, in that he's never taken responsibility for his fucked up actions that messed my mother up ---oh sure, he's apologized but that's a long way from accepting responsibility for the terrible things you've done...isn't it? And Jason ...well, he also probably wouldn't have anything to do with a church.

And so somehow I would have to find depths of strength to do something unselfish while my heart was breaking and the unbearable loss was crushing me.

Fuck.

I would give anything to have the only things I needed to worry about had nothing to do with aging family and their poor health that could kill them way before it should.

And god, how much do I miss B. Being able to just talk to him and feel his love and support even if we couldn't be together. I've lately thought why can't I just have him in my life? We could just talk on the phone....be only friends. No boyfriend/girlfriend stuff. Just dear old friends who are going to always be friends.

I'm so tied up and twisted with him that it probably isn't a good idea right now as much as it sounds like a lovely idea...in theory.

This year is all about me. Taking care of me...in a variety of ways. Seeing the things my mom and aunt are going through is quite the impetus to change and looking at the direction of my life...try to make choices that will ease some of the heartbreak and ensure me a minimum amount of physical discomfort. (...Uh, that makes sense right?)

It only took me until 2012 to do at least some of the things on THAT list of things to do this year over there (or down over there) -------------------------------------------------------------------- >
has finally been taken care of.

Eye exam & new glasses? Check. (Awesome new frames and Rx sunglasses too!)

Dentist appointment? Check. (Boo. Lower wisdom teeth should prob. come out and I've got cavities. :( )

---

After mom's last hospital stay and after she got home, I headed out to CA for a few days to visit Scotty. He's got the cutest apartment. It did me such a world of good to get away. To get out of town. To get my drink on, To escape from this life of mine for just a little bit. Scotty is a dear, generous, fun, loving soul. It made me really really happy to hear that he missed me and would love to have more frequent visits....(I swear to god that's what I got from our 3 a.m. conversation the first night I was there.) He seems to be happy even though I sense a little loneliness ...(or am I wrong???)

It was wonderful to spend time with a single person.

Much as I love R & K, being around them has been tough. I'm very very happy they've found each other but I don't want to be the third musketeer anymore.

So I'm going to be getting my own place and will move end of April/beginning of May. I'm ready for this next chapter of my life where I build my own nest again. While it would be smarter to buy, I don't think that is quite the right thing for me. Or is it? Maybe I should talk to Ruby again....(co-worker who also is real estate agent on the side.)

I'm pondering 3 choices. An amenities galore apartment downtown St. Paul, on the busline, with an indoor pool. But I'd have to get rid of the car (the insurance is killing me financially); a loft downtown St. Paul, a block away from the street where I'd pick up the one bus to work...living in a loft has been a dream of mine for a while...or a cute, quirky, charming, tiny 1 bedroom apartment in a 4-plex that has a 3-season porch that I can already see decorated with those tiny little tree lights -right on the busline as well ...the only con being that the laundry is in the basement...2 narrow flights of stairs down (had those as my last place and hated it.)

Either way, while it might be a bit lonely at times, I need to have my very own space. R did me a solid by letting me rent from him and move on from the home of the fabulous but it's time to start really living my life for me.

(Then again, I could change my mind yet again. There are advantages to literally paying your rent every two weeks.)

I might be able to keep the car if I go with the last option ....but when I think about living where there is a pool, I envision going swimming when I'm feeling sad and lonely. Or maybe I'd be motivated to use it frequently...swim laps and get my ass into better shape.

But maybe let's not go there tonight....my health. OK, so maybe I'll at least mention that I'm currently going to physical therapy once a week and doing some exercises to strengthen my "core" to help with the lower back pain....but that doesn't help my knees or the tendonitis/bursitis I've got in my right arm.

Anyhoo....did I mention I'm exhausted? The dentist appointment was at 8 a.m. this morning and you know how much I just LOVE getting up early...and since as usual I didn't go to bed early, I only had about 5 hours of sleep.

And it was a really really long week ...feeling beaten up by colleagues who keep trying to get me to not be so...nice. ("it's unfair to give that expectation to the customers because they won't get it from the others" ...WTF???) While I'm diggin' the fact that I've hung in over 4 1/2 years now and have earned 2 weeks of paid vacation, would it be to my benefit to look for a better fitting ...sales? job where my style of customer service is applauded not mocked or appreciated? Probably.

*Sigh*

What I do finally know (again?) is that I really really like group sales. I liked it before when I was doing a bit of it at the Opera and I like being in sales where there are repeat customers. I like putting it all together.

It's a relief to at least feel like that is one area of my life where I'm confident.

Hmmm. Do I feel like saying anything else right now?

Not so much. One raspberry woodchuck cider and I'm good and relaxed and sad and tired. I feel like calling my mother just to tell her I love her and goodnight. But can I do it without crying? (Haven't I cried enough tonight? (had a bit of a cry when writing about her in this post.)) I got a hold of her and nope. Couldn't do it. Said I just wanted to call and tell you again I love you and then I lost it. I let her go and now here come some fucking tears again. Geez, she's gonna be fine. She HAS to be fine. The alternative is unacceptable.

How can a person be a mess and have their shit together all at the same time? Welcome to my life.