Anniversary

Before I write this post tonight, I really should move my lazy butt up off this bed and walk the 3 feet to the bathroom. Not sure why I'm putting it off. When you gotta go, you gotta go.

I'm just so warm and cozy snuggled up under my comforter. Enjoying the feel of freshly laundered sheets. B was over tonight and it was a nice slice of domesticity to have his help in turning the mattress around and then putting the sheets on the bed.

Tomorrow, technically now today since it's after midnight, is the anniversary of making the choice to put poor Louis out of his misery. The hardest day (outside of the days of finding out my grandpa had died and the day of his funeral) of my young life.

I still think of him, Louis, every single day in one way or another. Usually when I'm in my room and looking around at his favorite places to sleep, like the end of the bed. Sebastian has adopted that now and it's sweet. I am grateful that the Fabulous has her "kids" that have become dear to me and fill some of the space that was left in my heart after saying good-bye to Louis.

Sebastian, with his fur several shades of ginger is actually about the same size and sheds just about as much! ...but that is the only thing they have in common. Louis was a cranky old man w/everyone else especially in the last year or so of his life and Sebastian is more of a lover not a fighter and sweet as can be.

But will I ever want another pet of my own again? No. Nope. No. I am content with loving the pets in the house and will miss them when it comes time to move out but I am still done with taking on the responsibilities of my own. The ability to not only feed and clean up after them combined with loving care and attention is just a bit much for me now. (I'm not exactly succeeding 100% in taking proper care of myself let alone another)...it feels a bit selfish when I know there are lots of animals that need loving homes out there but I am just going to draw that line in the sand.

So a year ago it felt like the end of the world and I never thought I would be done with the crying but life just goes on doesn't it? You keep just getting up each day and putting one foot in front of the other.

I hope that wherever Louis and/or his spirit is, he knows I miss him, will always miss him.

Are YOU bored?

Happy 2011. And life is the same. I don't know why I thought that life would somehow be different in a new year.

(Duh, if you want to change you have to be the change right?)

I had a brief one-on-one with my manager tonight. And she tries so hard with me to keep me positive. I don't make it easy for her sometimes. Tonight I was moaning and groaning about that there is just so much shit happening all at once and I am overwhelmed. Between the stuff with the car/my financial irresponsibility, my boredom and frustrations with work, my physical self issues, my hate of winter and cold weather I'm not exactly the most charming company these days. (Not that I went into all of that with her...)

It's just all too much sometimes.

And it's all I can do sometimes to get out of bed in the morning. I'm toying with the idea of going back into therapy...

Blah.

And on top of all of that, I'm restless with my life. I find myself in a routine and while some routine and structure is good for me, I'm beginning to wonder if this is all there is. Is this is as good as it gets? (LOVE LOVE that movie!)

Again, I know, if I want to change it up, it's up to me but the thing is that I don't know what I want out of life outside of the basic need to work and the occasional get-together with friends and family.

Maybe I just need a life coach? Too bad they cost money. (Not that I don't think they deserve to get paid for what they do...) *sigh*

☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡

Meh. Maybe it's just a case of the winter doldrums. I spent most of the night before last (after a low-key date w/B) and most of yesterday and last night watching "Firefly" and then after done w/all the ep's, watching "Serenity". I've seen them both before but just was in the mood for a little sci-fi w/a hint of western thrown in for good measure. Nothing like drowning yourself in a little TV to take your mind off your troubles.

☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡

OK, that's enough of that tonight. Think I'll just go take a shower and try to crash out at a decent hour tonight.

Onward. One foot in front of the other.

Happy New Year

So and here it is again.

Last year on this day I was in Amsterdam having one of the greatest adventures of my life. At the time it was challenging but it sure has given me a great story to tell and it was good to step out of my little world...

On the heels of that trip, I wanted to have lots of adventures in 2010 and I certainly did, both good and not so good.

Do I want to review them and/or the past year or just move on and try to focus on this "fresh start" that we now have??? Nah, I think I'll skip the re-hash of the years events and just keep looking forward...

I think I've decided that every day I'm going to make some kind of resolution, even if it's just something like "stay positive" when feeling overwhelmed and see how that goes. No sense making those "grand gesture" resolutions that eventually you forget all about. I like how Gabbi put it in her blog...

"This year, I will resolve to just do the next right thing.

The next right thing. One at a time, one after another."

It's too much pressure otherwise. What I need to do is to focus on the steps I take, even if they're baby steps, that just keep me moving forward to wherever life will take me next.

It's time I also focus on the fact that I've got some amazing friends who have been showing what true friendship is all about and it's about time I gave them a shout out. I've got many people to thank for being a friend to me and being there for me but for tonight (and in the interest of this not being a post so long you nod off while reading :P) I'll just mention a couple of people...

Frankly, I had a crappy Christmas. Well, crappy in that I was working and there were several hundred canceled flights and therefore hundreds of unhappy callers. Then due to some lack of communication w/B, I didn't get to spend the evening with him after work.

I was at my wits end and hating the holiday(s) when Diane reached out to me and talked me off of what I'm calling "the edge." We actually spent over 2 hours on the phone and it felt like we were back being our boy-crazy, teen-aged selves while yet still being able to piss and moan about some of the downsides to being an adult. It is a really cool thing to have someone in your life that has known you for decades and "gets" you.

(I've said it before but I'm gonna say it again. I'm so happy we're re-establishing our friendship and while being incommunicado for several years wasn't great, it sure is giving us lots of new stories to tell to each other.)

And she is so...wise. I think she's always been wise but I've just never realized or appreciated it until now.

Then there is Ryan. Thanks to him and my new friend Kari (his new g/f) my New Year's Eve DIDN'T suck.

Have I mentioned how much I hate New Year's Eve? Not being able to be w/B and kissing him at midnight is hard. It's the holiday I feel the most alone on (next to Memorial Day, Labor Day and Independence Day) (Oh the choice I make. *Sigh*) (my wild idea of going to Amsterdam again wasn't a possibility due to the current financial state of affairs) I was starting to panic a bit about what I would be doing to get through the night. I was lucky that I had several options too! Diane, Michelle and even my parent's extended an invite to me, but I opted for going up to Duluth w/him and Kari to hang out with them and her friends that she's known forever. And Kari is awesome. She's what I'd call a straight-shooter. She doesn't seem to take any bullshit or seem afraid to speak her mind. And you can tell she really is listening to you. Awesome.

Anyhoo, where was I? Oh yeah...I'm quite proud of the fact that I chose to do something instead of sitting around home feeling sorry for myself again. (As you well know, I've excelled at that.)

We got there in time to relax and swim in the hotel pool before heading out for the evening. I love swimming. Wait, let me say that again...I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE swimming. When I'm in a pool, I'm weightless and free and get to be the ballerina I always wanted to be when I was a little girl.

We got dolled up and I even wore make-up (!!!) and we braved the crappy weather to have a good time out. It was a good evening and I'm also proud of the fact that I didn't get so inebriated as to be really sick today (just tired.)

Ryan is such a good friend at making me feel included and not expecting anything from me other than my company and friendship. I can totally be myself around him...every facet of me that I don't necessarily show off to others. (Granted, in general, I think I could rein some of my personality in ...I tend to be a bit outrageous and probably over-share more than I need to. While maybe it's cool to be such an open and honest person, I probably don't need to put it all out there do I? (But is that just me and something I shouldn't change??) We'll maybe talk about that at another time???)

I thought about having Jenn create another New Year's card for me to send out this year but never got around to with all the stuff going on the past couple of months. I will send some personalized emails instead.

Going forward now will be about meeting my financial obligations, figuring out where I'm moving to next and continuing to take the best care of myself that I can.

And I think I'll start with putting myself to bed at a decent hour tonight.

G'night.