Hmmm.

I've been putting off watching this movie "Disfigured" that I read about some time ago and remember wanting to see. It's now available to watch instantly at Netflix.

Here's the "details" (courtesy of Netflix):

Disfigured
2007NR 95 minutes

Struggling anorexic Darcy (Staci Lawrence) sees herself as hugely overweight, so she's shocked when she's rejected by the members of the Fat Awareness Group, who refuse to believe they can have anything in common with the scrawny girl. But Lydia (Deidra Edwards), the self-help group's founder, realizes they're both wrestling the same demon -- weight -- in this thought-provoking look at America's body image issues.

Cast: Deidra Edwards, Staci Lawrence, Ryan C. Benson, Elizabeth Sampson, Sonya Eddy, Lindsay Hollister, Heather Brooker, April M. Walsh, Juanita Guzman, Patrick Gorman

Director: Glenn Gers

I've been putting it off because I while I have come miles in the "accept my body as it is" mindset, I've got to face some things I feel about it head on ...and all of this is courtesy of the challenges to my physical self these past few months. Especially my knees.

I was telling someone recently about the fact that I blog and what I heard myself saying is that because I've kept journals and diaries most of my life that this was a perfect format for me...a chance to create a documentation of my life in a permanent manner. (Wow, just typing that I'm thinking how enormously self-centered that sounds!) And I've never shied away from being honest in them so I certainly shouldn't be here.

And lately I've been obsessed with thinking about my weight again. It was really sparked by reading an article from a recent issue (?) of "O" magazine. One day last week Michelle and I were talking about weight issues and a co-worker overheard us and mentioned she had read this article...and she happens to have it there with her...So I read it and it was very thought-provoking. (I'd share a link but can't find one)

It was an article that contained an excerpt from a book by Marianne Williamson

"A Course in Weight Loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever"

The Publisher notes: For so many people, whether your addiction is to a substance or merely to a certain way of thinking or acting, a profound humbling occurs when you realize that your problem is bigger than you are. The terror of realizing, even dimly, that you have no control over a self-destructive pattern of behavior—that as much as you would want to, you simply cannot stop—can mark a crucial turning point in your life. At that point, you go in one of two directions: either way, way down, or way, way up. . . .

This book is for you if you know in your heart that you are an addict, and that you are powerless before your addictive behavior. As the title promises, Marianne Williamson looks at weight loss from a spiritual perspective, bringing you 21 lessons that can be done separately or in conjunction with any other serious spiritual path. These 21 lessons are completely separate from anything related to diet or exercise—they will retrain your consciousness in the area of weight in order to break the cycle of overeating, dieting, and shame that rules so many lives.

The part that really got to me about this stuff is what was written in the article that preceded the excerpt [and of course this part has crossed my mind previously] about weight being this wall we've built around ourselves. And we've got all sorts of inner/psychological reasons for keeping it. That the wall is composed of bricks, different types of bricks. Some made with sadness, some with loneliness, etc.

Years ago I acknowledged that I might be keeping on the weight to keep men away (ha! that doesn't work does it?) and this brought all of that up. I have to believe that there has been a reason for it. There has got to be a reason I put up with physical limitations and pain and if I examine the reason maybe, just maybe, it'll shift my thinking into action. Just do it will become my new ...motto in life, for life.

Anyhoo, when I got home that night I found myself going in search of not this book, but the book "It's Not What You're Eating, It's What Eating You" because that article and it's comment on the emotional part of being overweight.

I found an audio version and since super cheap, bought the audio version and listened to it.

I was kinda surprised by a couple of points I got from it. 1. That this is a book that encourages you to own up to and admit that you are a food addict (there is that food addiction thing again!!!) and 2. That there is a high correlation between the overweight and sexual abuse survivors.

The 2nd point was actually shocking to me. I had no idea that there could be a link between childhood sexual abuse and being overweight. What was kinda scary was AND how many of the sexual abuse survivor profiles items that applied to me. I took some notes while listening and here are the ones about that profile...

"in a triangular love affair with a married person (more exciting than a relationship with an available person); trouble establishing boundaries (let everyone in); obsessed with love relationships (only feel alive when seeking or receiving affection); disconnected from your body; in dealings with others manipulative rather than assertive; felt older than peers when young; abnormally high expectations of yourself; in general feel inauthentic (wear a mask).

Now, luckily for me, there wasn't sexual abuse but there were attempts. When I was around 4 or 5 my great-grandfather wanting me to touch his penis; then when around 11 being pushed down in the sand in elementary school and having a boy on top of me simulating sex; around 12 or 13 starting to dislike getting hugs from my uncle at family functions because I could swear he was feeling my bra straps when hugging me...(The authors viewpoint on that says that eating is definitely one of the only ways children can cope and/or express their feelings when they've been traumatized)

In writing about this I also realize it wasn't only that stuff. My most significant weight gain happened in my early 20's when I went from retail jobs where I was up and running around all the time to my "sit down" jobs ...I'll have that too because it was also during that time that I finally had my first significant love (well to me it was love) and was embarking on my sexual (yes, I said it) journey. All of these things coming together with an early curiosity about sex and subsequent love of romance novels all colliding to turn me into the person I am today.

Throughout my life, in one way or another, I've been hurt by men. By my biological father and his absence (not that we're talking about that right now) these relatives and classmate that tried to take advantage of me and the men I was involved with in my 20's/30's (of which B is a part of some of those years isn't he? (we're going to skip this as well for now))...my greatest want of wanting to be loved by a [boy] being blocked by the weight that put so many off.

And so here I am.

And I am obsessed with food. It definitely is the one thing that can't hurt me (!!!!) and is always there for me.

I just want to have a normal relationship with it. I need to learn how to see it for what it is, nourishment (but that has to taste good!) for my body. Really, actually make the better choices and not just talk about them. Currently all I do is think about what I'm going to be eating next and when. I probably spend more money on groceries and eating out (fast food) than I do on anything else. I'm always worried about where my next meal (and the money for it!) is going to come from. Food. Food. Food. Food.

And I don't think that is how it's supposed to be ..is it?

Am I saying that I am a food addict? *Sigh* Probably. And maybe I'll check out an OA meeting. Maybe.

(Side note: I've got thank Gabbi a bit for being willing to share her thoughts and experiences on this subject too. Reading her blog I think planted some little tiny seeds.)

I don't want to go on a diet. I don't want to be ON a diet. I don't want to go back to those years of hating my body (self). I want to learn a new way to relate to food. I want to still be a voluptuous, curvy woman but maybe be a bit less voluptuous. More plus-sized instead of super-sized?

☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡

So shall I just watch the movie already? Stimulate more dialog in my head? Because I'm sure it's going to lead to other questions and revelations, even if they're not quite as major.

Maybe.

Enough Debbie Downer

Some reactions to observations made while at work today...

1. It's about time I stopped being "Debbie Downer" and remind myself of the many many things I've got going for me, the things that are GOOD in my life

2. I adore my co-worker Michelle. I believe I've mentioned her before. She's the woman who (whom?) I've befriended who is both a wife and a mother and I never thought I'd be good friends with one of those :P ...I really honestly thought we wouldn't be able to relate to each other. But tonight on our dinner break I said that we were opposite sides of the coin but it works.

She and I of course have work (or rather our lack of loving it) to bond us but it's gone deeper than that. We talk about food, weight, men/relationships/sex, our families... I'm hopeful it will continue to continue when we're not at work.

And now for the list (in no certain order) beginning with something that combines both 1 and 2 ...

☯She and one of her kids (she has 3 kids and both her and her husband do their best to take turns spending time with each kid individually how freakin' AWESOME is that?) made me cookies and because they know I'm not a frosting fan, skipped the frosting. And then she also brought me a package of the limited edition gingerbread pop-tarts. Yummy!!!!

I've recently had a thing for the limited edition pop-tarts. She's giving me a box of the pumpkin ones for Xmas. Yummy!!!! (And I have no idea whatsoever to give her! But I'll come up with something...)

☯I have the most awesome roommate/landlord EVER. (So R, my expectations are quite high should I ever rent from you... :P) She keeps us in cat food, shoveled sidewalks and driveways and gets the recycling sorted and bagged up before recycling day. And all of that with a full work-load and a full-time relationship! I believe there is some truth to the saying about if you want something done, give it to a busy person...

I realize as I write that last paragraph that you might be getting the impression that I'm a slothful roommate. Well, I'm not slothful ...I'll load up the dishwasher, empty it/put dishes away, take garbage out and sometimes be the one to do the sorting of the recycling but she does just that little bit more. It makes me want to do more and ease her household duties a bit. Now if only I would put that into action instead of just yammering on about it.

☯I'm so thankful that the car accident wasn't worse. Worse in the damages done to his car and Suzette. I can still drive her and while she's a bit banged up, she still is a good girl and running for me.

☯I've got family members who are helpful and supportive. We've come a long way from the days of conflict over the religion. Oh sure, they'll always want me to come back but they've mellowed over the years ...their individuality and independence is still alive and kicking (or is back) and they know it's better to dial the religion stuff way back when they see me so we can enjoy our time together.

☯For a having a job. Especially in light of my current financial woes.

☯For flannel pajamas; internet access and this computer (even if some of the keys have started sticking lately which is driving me nuts.)

☯For my credit union taking pity on me and giving me back 1 the one and only NSF I've gotten since I opened my account in July and for giving me back the fee for the bill pay service I decided not to use.

☯For Facebook because it keeps me in touch with the various people in my life

and so many more things...

and now I think I will just stop here for tonight.

*Sigh*

1 Step Forward, 2 Steps Back

Twisted my knee twice in the last week and it hurts like a mother. So no work for me the last of days. Hobbled in to Dr. and was swollen and tender but from what he could feel, he thinks it's just a sprain. (Let's hope!) I've been ordered to stay off of it as much as I can and he gave me a few days worth of the good stuff (painkillers). He's not being pushy about the fact that my weight isn't helping my case any but I know he's concerned. He's been my favorite Dr. so far and while maybe it's his job to push me to take better care of myself, I think he knows how stubborn I am and that if he pushes I will just dig in my heels and refuse to take his advice out of pure rebellion (I get like that) ...but if this is the price I pay for being stubborn maybe it's time to grow up and start taking better care of myself.

*Sigh*

I know I need to get my physical self in order. Between my knees and my back, I'm kind of a mess.

I HATE HATE HATE that it's fucking winter. I have a hard enough time being motivated to do physical things when it's not winter. But if I have to drag my ass out and about to get some physical activity, I'd like to maybe do some aqua aerobics ...could do that and it would be easier on my knees ...

☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡

I guess it was too good to be true that the consequences of being in a car accident with no insurance was only going to be a hefty fine. Apparently I'm just waiting to get the notice in the mail telling me what day to appear in court. Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I am just going to pray that all I get is a stern lecture and have to pay the fines. While what I did was wrong, I don't know if I could handle going to jail or losing my license. I mean, I'd deal with it but I sure I hope I don't have to!

OK, have I bummed you out now? Sorry about that.

I'm survivor. I will survive this too. (I'm survivor. I will survive this too. I'm survivor. I will survive this too. I'm survivor. I will survive this too.)

Ode to Jason

My self-absorption does not only include me. :P Whenever I have somebody on the phone at work named "Jason" I always have the little thought of "that can't be his name, that belongs to my brother". Weird huh? It's just that of course, growing up, it was hearing the names of "Jason and "..Sam..." so many times together in sentences and conversations ...they can't be without the other...

Thinking about him tonight because today it was my turn to help him out. And I did it w/out question. (Giving up a day at home, in my jammies is tough for me...I freely admit that) It was his turn to need some new tires. I couldn't pay for them but I could go to the place and pick them up and deliver them to him. Frickin' least I could do for the guy.

He's got a good heart buried underneath his pessimistic shell. And oh what a pessimistic shell he has. But do I really blame him? He's had the some of the worst luck of everyone I know...had more shit dumped on him than should be.

Some of the highlights include: Having a little sister breaking his favorite "Kiss" albums in half and steal his dirty magazines; Having that same little sister who could always get him blamed and punished for something she did because when the misdeed was discovered (my new favorite word) the poor boy couldn't help but smirk and she could keep a straight (innocent!) face and then there was the time when he cashed a $500 paycheck (now we can say thank god for direct deposit right?) and then LOSING that cash...and stuff like that. When taken separately, not so terrible. Shit happens right? But this guy...it comes in bunches and waves.

But he, like me, is a survivor and he keeps on keepin' on.

After we were done dealing with the tire stuff we hung out and I got to see his apartment. Ate some dinner and talked about the mess I'm in. He's afraid for me. That I'll have to go to jail. (I definitely need to call the Violations Bureau and get the details...I've been putting it off because I'm scared of what they'll say..what if it isn't just fines???) but I need to know and stop living in fear. Face up to my misdeed. *technically it's a misdemeanor but you get what I'm sayin'

We're both just doing our best to get by.

It's funny because in so many other ways we're different. Our politics and our philosophies in life. Our beliefs and our opinions. Different as night and day. But we can agree on music and movies and TV shows (and so all is not lost when we get together)


☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡ ♦ ♢

Can you believe it's taken me until now, tonight, to really think that in the end, with a sibling, if you're lucky, you are forever linked and that there is nobody on the earth that knows you better from your beginning than that sibling. You can tell your friends and lovers about your childhood but they're not really gonna understand it.


☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡ ♦ ♢

It felt good to be needed by him. And you know what I want for him the most? Love. The love of a good woman (or man if that is his secret desire! :P But I highly doubt it) who will appreciate him, take good care of him, treat him well and not take advantage of his generous spirit. (Hmmm, should I go looking for him? Hmmmm. Hm...) (um, the opposite of me and our mother...kidding!)

☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡ ♦ ♢

When he offered to let me pay him 1/2 of what I owed him, I told him no. It's about time I became financially disciplined. I've got to stop relying on people to "rescue" me (...or is it just lending a helping hand?) and that I would find a way to make this work. But I did let him send me home with food. He's like our parental units and always likes to have things on hand in the cupboard even if he never gets around to eating them. So now my cupboard has soups, chili and mac and cheese.

And he freely gives me this stuff and all this help with no grumbling. I told him I appreciated that and he just shrugged it off. He may get mad at the universe but not at his little sister.

*Sigh

I am lucky. (Ruh-roh, did I get it all? Like in a fairytale? The fairy godmothers weren't invited to his birth but then invited to mine? Hmmm, idea for a story? Do I dare write anything other than posts for this blog?) Ha!


☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡ ♦ ♢

Well now that I'm veering off into nonsensical territory I guess I'll stop here.

How on earth could I forget to be thankful for...

My brother.

I didn't mention how he came to the rescue last weekend with the extra funds necessary to get that car insurance.

He really is the best big brother EVER.

I'm truly thankful for so many people and their love and support of me.

Yes I Will

Pay $300.00 a month to never again have the thoughts of "Oh my god, I've just been in a car accident and currently have no car insurance..." and then "...my god what if they throw me in jail or what if something had happened worse than this fender bender with no apparent injuries to all parties involved?".

Car Insurance people.

Fucking car insurance. I hated that the last time I had to renew, they wanted $200 a month. So for about a year now (yes, a year) I've been gambling BIG TIME. (I've um, had a couple of other accidents in the 11 years I've been driving...but let's not talk about that (last one June '09)) "They're called accidents for a reason" "There called accidents for a reason" "There called accidents for a reason"...

It finally caught up with me. Yes, one truly does live with the consequences of their choices.

I am lying in the bed I made (as my mother would say...) (side note: you know what? I find myself saying A LOT of things MY mother said, has said to me, over the years. I never thought I'd be one of THOSE people. Hmm.)

Anyhoo...so now do I share or spare you the details? No? You're dying of curiosity? (poor choice of phrase?) Well...took PTO and left early on Saturday. (I'm being punished for all the PTO I've been taking the past couple (few?) months)

I was just trying to merge onto Hwy 62W from Hwy 77N.

Everybody. Just. Stopped.

My new 2 front tires went into action and while doing a swell job, didn't keep me from rear ending the car in front of me.

Then...see thoughts above.

Now I'll just give you some bits and bobs ...

1. They have insurance but only liability. I will be paying for the clean up of their rear bumper. Guesses on how much it'll end up being? I'm gonna throw the number of about $800 out there.

2. I will gladly pay the fines of $345 for the 2 things on the citation I received ...a. something about not driving well (but NOT the careless driving thing) -a petty misdemeanor and b. the biggie -no car insurance -which is a misdemeanor. But from what I understand from the website that represents the State of MN stuff like this, I only have to pay the fines and NOT go to court which in my mind is what my mind associates with jail (first (AND FUCKING LAST) offense helps) but I will call them to confirm. And I feel like in a way I'm getting off easy.

What if I had really injured or god forbid killed someone?

3. But fucking A. The money. I get by OK on what I make but have been so tired of feeling fucking deprived. So when that renewal came up, I thought I'd just do it for a little while, a month, a couple of months but then that turned into a year.

4. No more PTO and I'm picking up extra shifts. Fuck. Fuck. But strangely enough, tonight especially I just was really nice to everyone. Now I'm normally nice but tonight I just wasn't gonna NOT be nice. I really do truly care about our callers. And I had to say "No" and "I'm sorry that's not possible, etc." so many fucking times. I hate that. (Am I just trying to convince myself that I WANT to do this, answer these calls because I'm now gonna have to be doing it 40+ hours a week...but you know what? Forget I said that. I could have killed someone and be going to jail (?). I'm telling everyone that I'm not allowed PTO (and of course telling them all about this....the Leo in me is roaring for attention and sympathy)

5. I guess I've figured out what I think is the worst possible thing you can do in this world. Kill someone. (And it took me until NOW to figure that out? Sad or WTF?)

6. And another reason to do my job and be a responsible grown-up and stop fucking around? Really getting my financial shit together. I'm gonna owe the Saint (the fabulous has been upgraded) so much more for the rest of my life in gratitude. Having some breathing room and a continued roof over my head means the fucking world to me.

Fucking A. I really fucked up.

And I've got to get caught up on the cell and credit card bills. I HATE HATE being a month (a lousy month) behind on them. I got used to the good feeling when I paid a bill in full and on time. Addictive and oh so satisfying. I want that feeling back. (OK, OK, so it was only my cell phone bill but damn, you gotta start somewhere right? And the other ones I was keeping up with just fine)

Thank god it's now my weekend (I'm allowing myself 1 last 2 day one for at least the next 2 months if not longer)...I'm going to make sure I enjoy it.

7. And I really truly have a lot to be thankful this year and when I'm at my parent's tomorrow I'm gonna say as much -even if we aren't "celebrating" Thanksgiving. I haven't told them about this. Thought I'd get a kick of being the drama queen I've been known to be and tell them about in person.

(Oh that reminds me (and this makes me feel terribly terrible for even daring to think about something other than all of this) but I'm gonna go looking around online and see if I can find "Home for the Holidays" (Holly Hunter) and make that my new T-day movie tradition. Love that movie.)

8. I've got the greatest boyfriend in the world. While I'm sure he's disappointed in me, like everyone else so far is sympathetic, he's also so worried about me he slipped me a $50 the other morning and just held me while I fell apart a little bit. He'll make sure I still have some gas in the tank and food in the cupboard as best he can. Though I'm going to do my darndest to not need his help that often.

9. I will call the Employee Assistance Program (a courtesy of my employer and supposedly confidential) and take advantage of the legal benefit. A free 30 minute face-to-face consultation (let's hope there is someone in Minneapolis). I am scared that they might sue me or this will go beyond compensating them for the damage to their car...the traffic accident report said "1" in the "Injured" box. Fuck.

10. OK, maybe time to just NOT think about all of this for a while and just continue to be thankful that this is not worse than it is. And I will survive. And I really, again, believe that someone is keeping an eye on me.

Will I Ever Change?

It was quite the adventurous day yesterday.

I am more than ever convinced that the "big guy" is watching out for me or that I do have a guardian angel looking out for me.

Just because I've left "the religion" doesn't mean I don't have a spiritual side. I've maintained all these years since leaving it that I still believe in God and that my relationship with Him is between just the two of us. I don't need to "practice" a particular religion for it to count. And I still firmly believe that today. But I also still respect a person's right to practice, or not practice/believe however is best for them.

Anyhoo...yesterday was quite the adventure as I was saying because something finally caught up with me...

A few months ago, the right front tire on my car was in constant need of air and rather than spend the money to replace it, I just kept putting air in it. Then my brother (my big brother is a freakin' saint! But more on that later) put that stuff in it that is like a sealant but from the inside...anyway, that worked like a charm ..until yesterday. But I managed to get all the way to work AND in a parking spot before it deflated. (I used to wonder how it was people knew when something was wrong with their car just based on sound or feel but I so SO have understood that the past couple years with having the same car) ...So I get out and go look at the right tire and I can just hear it hissing and I'm watching it slowly deflate. And how freakin' thankful am I that I made it all the way to work and into a parking spot? That I didn't have it (or worse) happen while on the freeway or at the side of a road????

So I'm on the phone w/my bro right away -because he IS my go to guy for anything car related and he's totally willing, without question or giving me a hard time to not only come out to my work and "deal" with it all, he's willing to pick up new tires for me (payday is tomorrow)...

As I'm back outside to take pics for him of the flat tire and the spare in the trunk, a man walks by and stops and asks if I need help...I tell him that my brother is going to be coming out to help and he says it'd be no big deal and he could help me. So as this kind stranger, well, actually his name was John, is in the process of changing the tire, another guy comes over and makes sure that I'm OK and getting help and says he noticed stuff going on and was wondering if I needed help...how awesome is all of this?? (Um, let's not really talk about the fact that I'm 40 years old and NOT helpless and really should know how to change a bloody tire!!! :P )

Then, after work, I get the adventure of getting home.

I safely make it to the SA by my work to put some air in the "donut", I safely make it to the city streets I'm gonna take home (I now also totally will forgive slow drivers on the freeway because you know what? They might be driving on their spare "donut" tire, unable to go past 50 mph and know no other way to get home) ...and then more excitement...on my way down Hiawatha/55, I stop at McD's 'cause I'm STARVING (I didn't have any dinner) and spend my last $5 on some food and as I'm sitting in the parking lot eating, Suzette has a temperamental moment and wants to die. So I shut her off for a bit...thankfully she starts up again and back on the road we go. While I was tempted to hop onto 94W for the rest of the journey home, I take Ryan's advice (I called him and we had a chat about the situation) and stick to city streets. Now this is really going to be perilous at this point because guess what? My tank is practically EMPTY. (What the hell what I thinking? I should have spent the $5 on gas, silly woman!) ...

So I take Lake to Lyndale and as I'm driving my stomach starts to feel really really really bad. Like if I don't find a bathroom soon there is going to be a repeat of the "shit my pants" performance I had years ago when I was riding with a co-worker back and forth to a work dinner thing. (I don't know if it was the McD's that didn't sit well or the pumpkin cheesecake I had at work earlier...how long does it take for food to digest and all that..??) (Oh and there, you know now something else REALLY really embarrassing about yours truly) but then hallelujah there is a gas station on Lyndale and around 28th that I pull into that has bathrooms you don't need a goddamn key for! So I make it just in time...Whew. Anyhoo, then down by the Walker Art Center on Lyndale once again, I'm tempted to hop onto 94W but I resist and take Lyndale and get safely all the way home.

You haven't lived until you've had to drive the long long way home, on your spare tire, with a nearly empty tank of gas while having to take a shit so bad you could cry.

*Sigh*

Now I guess all of that could be attributed to luck or my not being an idiot and listening to all sorts of advice but I really think someone was looking out for me.

While my life is far from ...perfect...Somehow, I survive and things work out.

But it really does beg the question...will I ever change? And by that I mean, will I ever be a person who doesn't put things off, like getting tires replaced. Will I ever be a person who chooses to spend the last $5 I have to my name (before payday) on gas instead of food? Will I ever be a person who actually has more than $5 to their name? A person who doesn't always spend every single dime they have before the next payday? I am somehow convinced that no one else is like this. I assume everyone else is super smart and responsible with money and never gets into these kind of positions. I'm sure that's insane but there it is.

How fortunate am I that I've got these incredible people in my life who have never made me feel bad about my less than responsible ways ...that actually makes me want to be better financially because the shame I feel at being less than fiscally responsible is terrible.

I have mentioned I'm in a work in progress right?

*Sigh*

Thankfully I worked most of my hours this pay period and the check I get tomorrow should allow me to not only pay some rent but I should also be able to still get my eyes checked/get new Rx for lenses, pay Ryan back the $20 I owe him AND get some new tires for Suzette. Yahoo!

So once again, there is that feeling of someone looking out for me and it all working out because the timing of the tire stuff is NOW. It didn't happen 2 weeks ago and won't be happening in 2 weeks when both of those paychecks will be lighter than usual...

Life IS good. I just need to keep reminding myself of that when the "dark days" are here. And admittedly there have been some shadowy ones lately. I don't know if it is because of the change of seasons and that winter is officially here (SNOW!), even though it's not quite officially here yet.

You know how sometimes I copy over something that Beth/Sum of Me writes? Well I've been meaning to do that because recently she's written some stuff that really speaks to me AND once again says what I would say if I'd only known I wanted to say it as well as she did...so I'm gonna add these little gems into this post too...

"...the hibernation effect - more hours of dark, colder air, winter coming on. The bod just wants to eat and sleep and crawl into a cave." OMG so so true!!! and...

"...the creeping depression which I push back every day. (Try not to think on it. It'll eat your heart.) It's just a thing, and I suppose I'm lucky to have so much experience of hurt and things going wrong and blows to the gut and whatever else. I can easily identify now how bad it is - and isn't. I know how to keep going, one day at a time. If I've acquired no other talent in this life, i still have that. I know that you just keep slogging forward, good moments and bad, giddy and despairing depending on the minute. And every day it's a little better, so long as you don't look it directly in the face. Occasional quick darting glances in the extreme corner of your eye, that's the only way." Yup. I hear ya.

and...

"...I am embarrassingly rich in friends. To lose any one of them would be like losing a limb - including the potential for fatal hemorrhage. But I haven't forgotten that I have more excellent friends than I have limbs. And what an amazing thing that is.

In the last couple of weeks, every one of them has stepped up. Not a single one failing me when I really need a friend to act like a friend. Remember when we were teenagers, and a great friend was someone who was fun to hang out with at the mall, who made you laugh and liked the same things as you and hated the same things and kept you company in class? And all those things are still important, but wouldn't our teenaged selves be amazed at how much deeper a friendship can go as time goes on? The many ways it's tested, the times we have to give of ourselves when we think we have nothing left to give, the goodness compounded over years and erasing the little annoyances that would've killed the friendship when we were younger. I suppose it's not unlike a good long marriage, where the sheer number of years together matters as much if not more than anything else.

Anyway - I just mean that friendships - good ones that last and have real meaning - cost us something. Time and energy and chunks of our souls, in addition to couch-space when it's needed and a ride to the airport and whatnot. And my friends these last couple of weeks - they've paid the cost without flinching, eagerly. I am indebted to them, in that same currency. I am not always good at letting people be a friend to me. But otherwise, I think I'm pretty good at being a friend, myself. I hope I am, anyway."

...Yeah. What she said. While the quantity of true, close friends I have doesn't quite outnumber of the number of limbs I have, the ones I do have, the people closest to me...are worth more than their weight in gold.

Anyway, I just really wanted to share that last stuff. Wanted it to a part of this permanent record of my life that I'm creating with this blog.

Well. So enough for today. It's my day off and I'm gonna go eat something and putz around ...make some calls about tires...

ttfn.

Now November? Sheesh.

I sometimes get a kick out coming up with witty titles for these posts. And other times, meh.

Yes, meh. I've seen other bloggers/writers use that word and I LIKE it.

OK, now on to the thought that just crossed my mind and that I felt must be put out there...and gives me a reason to write something (what's up w/this only once a month or so posting? Eh...I'll maybe get into that a bit later)

It's wonderful when the love of your life says he still adores you after decades of knowing each other (or did I mean to say of knowing you?) Sigh. Big, deep, happy sigh. Love comes in so many shapes and forms doesn't it? And I'm learning -after all of these years -that love with a significant other can be so different for different people. But it all has one thing (well, one thing I can think of right now) that someone loves you for being YOU. Now of course this should also be something essential in the relationships you have with family or friends but for the sake of this post, I'm just talking about romantic love.)

The first romantic relationship(s) I observed were of course my mother and her husbands. And her family. Wait. Not going to elaborate on that after all. Sorry. But your used to that by now right? :P

And actually you know what? I'm going to stop this post here. I said what I wanted to say. For now. I thought I wanted to write a whole insightful, detailed post about love but ...not. It was a long day at work. So this is all for now.

Ciao.

And now October is almost over

Sign Language for this week. And OMG. Totally true.

Leo(July 23-Aug. 22) Despite your love of luxury, most Leos deal with poverty pretty well. Unlike your sensual Taurean cousins, who get frustrated when things aren’t top-quality, Leos really only need a few special things in their lives; the rest can be rather plain, cheap, or ordinary. This ability to make do with less will serve you well this week and in the coming months, but make sure you don’t deprive yourself completely. Selectively pamper yourself here and there, without breaking the bank. Indulging yourself in one or two vital ways is the key to being happy with everything else.

☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡

Another weekend of the usual. Sleeping in, having breakfast/coffee/a cigarette and then hours spent wasting time playing around with my FB games. Waiting for the phone to ring to see if it might be tonight that I have a date with my sweetie.

Actually I've not been completely useless. Yesterday I was able to figure out what health insurance benefits to have for next year and did my sign up.

Today, laundry. Well, a load was put in the washer anyway. Suppose I ought to go and put it in the dryer now...or at least at some point soon. And I also finally called and made an appointment for the dentist. Actually that feels like BIG accomplishment. Go "Sam"!

It's been a rough month in terms of being motivated get a lot done, let alone get to work. Everyday is a struggle to get up and go out and about. Do I maybe need to increase the dosage of my happy pill? Go back into therapy? I don't know. Maybe it's just the changing of the season. It's getting colder. (Oh wait, another task accomplished this week was getting out the sweaters and warmer clothes for easy access and pulling out some clothes that I would like to donate to a shelter for women.)

Anyhoo...just feeling...blah. Not liking that I've taken so much time off of work as I have but unable to resist the temptation. It was almost better when I could NOT be absent. Financially it's killing me...I'm behind on bills and after having had them under control for the last year or so, I don't like this. I just have to force myself to not take so much time off. I have to think about what I want and if I want to more than just survive...exist, and it's gonna take some self-discipline. When I get to work it's not so bad. It's the getting up and going that is so hard. At least with the 2nd shift I don't have to be getting up when it's still dark out.

Well, speaking of that, actually tomorrow I have to get up pretty early. I've agreed to accompany Ryan as he goes house hunting w/his Realtor. I have to be at his house by 8:15am!!! (Now that's what I call friendship/love!) I think it will actually be a good experience for me as I ponder what to do myself when it comes time to changing my living situation...which will eventually change.

While I love the thought of having my own place, a small place to call my very own, the reality of the responsibility of that scares the bejeezus outta me. But I'm oh so tired of moving. I guess I'll see what I learn tomorrow and maybe that will clarify things for me.

☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡

Regardless of seeing B tonight, I really should go take a shower. I tend to get careless when I don't have to be anywhere. It's like, why bother? But I realize I've got to start caring and taking better care of myself and maybe that will help me emotionally. Maybe not.

So OK, I'll go put the clothes in the dryer and take a shower. Come back to this later...

Or maybe not shower yet. But I did put the stuff in the dryer. Re: a shower...the bathroom is so so cold...

I guess just call me Eeyore right now. It feels so completely self-indulgent right now to be so whiny. I know things could be worse. But sometimes I just wish I was living someone else's life. Be a completely different person. Be anyone other than myself.

I've realized lately why I like the yin and yang symbol so much, because I truly am a creature of light and dark. My light side comes out when I'm with other people, or at work and when I'm at home, it's all dark baby. There is no gray. Just simply the light and the dark. I like the definition that Wikipedia gives..."Yin yang are complementary opposites within a greater whole. Everything has both yin and yang aspects, although yin or yang elements may manifest more strongly in different objects or at different times. Yin yang constantly interacts, never existing in absolute stasis."

If I ever get up the guts to get a tattoo, that would be what I would get. A nice, clean, small one...

Hmm. Well, I suppose this enough for now. (Aren't you glad you took the time to read this? :P)

And Just Like That It's October

(10/2/10 Note: this is a long one. Get comfortable.)

I'm going to do my darnedest to keep this fairly brief (ha!) because it's almost 1am and I've had waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many nights up being up until 4am (if not later.) I go through phases where I'll be "good" and then I'll fall off the go-to-bed-at-a-halfway-decent-hour wagon.

Ah well. Story of my life. Walking the straight line (feeling and being in control) with going to bed early, my health/eating better, money, responsibility, etc. and then I go and take a detour. Am I just looking for some excitement? Even if it's not the healthiest of excitement? Maybe a little.

It was a good weekend. Got to just hang with myself on Wednesday (yup, naughty girl took another (pre-arranged in advance) unpaid day off, but more on work later), then Thursday had a date w/B. And we had an excellent time. It's amazing what communication does for a relationship 'eh? I was actually having a moment of "wow, here I have this man who loves me and knows pretty much everything about me." My battles w/depression, my poor credit, the fact that I'm not tall enough to play professional basketball...(he's so corny, he teases me that that is my only flaw!) and I think I had some stupid, naive idea that a person had to NOT deal with any of that before they could be loved by someone. Isn't that just silly? You don't deserve love if you have bad credit? Or you take a anti-depressant? Whatever "Sam". Oh you naive but jaded and cynical fool. (And let's not forget life is not a book or movie or TV show...)

Then today, off to the Renaissance Festival for the first time (I'm really not going to count the one other time I went, when I was 7, since today it felt like I'd never been there before...then again a lot could have changed in about 33 years!) It seemed like a sign that I should go when I read that they were 1. open on a Friday and 2. letting people in for free who also turned 40 this year. How could I resist? Ryan came with, along w/his cousin Justin and his wife Carla.

It was a good time. I probably shouldn't have gone from a financial standpoint but I haven't done anything like this in ages. I managed to stay fairly close to my budget of $40 -spent just under $50 and what did I get for that you ask? (Or maybe you don't care, but I'm gonna tell ya anyway! :P) A tarot card reading (and more on this later too), a henna tattoo of the yin-yang symbol, a lotion candle (what a brilliant idea!), a sandwich, a couple of beers and ...? Nope that's it. Ouch. Looking at this list, it doesn't seem like a lot and/or I paid way too much for stuff but...meh. What can I do now about it? Nothing.

My brother is going to do my oil change for me tomorrow morning (hence another reason to get my ass to bed soon!) and that'll save me money. But seriously, I need to figure out my financial shit and now. The fabulous is going to let me try out something starting in November ...I'll just pay her some money every paycheck...spread it out...I really don't know why I do not possess the will-power to just leave money alone in my account. So, we'll see how this works.

Anyhoo...the tarot reading. (I knew a little bit how they work since I went through a "phase" a few years ago after buying a deck and some books on how to do it...in fact I wonder where that stuff is? When I moved from Grand Ave. to here...what did I do with them???) but I've never had one done before. (Next on the "someday" list; a palm reading!)

I had to make an appointment AND pre-pay (and that wasn't nerve-wracking at all...handing over $25 hard-earned dollars and then having to walk away)...I was told she would do a general read and then I would be able to ask 3 questions. So I spent the next 30-40 minutes in a panic over what (brilliant!) questions to ask.

Finally, it was time. Now the cynical part of me said that it's all a bunch of ...not hooey but really, there will be a 50/50 shot of the person who is doing the reading getting it right because life really is in some ways not that complicated. We all deal with loving our jobs or hating our jobs. Being in a relationship or being single. Etc. You get it.

Anyhoo...so I sit down (on a small, old, rattan/wicker, chair that I'm thankful holds me! :P) and we begin by having my hands held in hers from across the table and my eyes closed. She has me take some deep breaths. When I open my eyes and we let go, she tells me that I have some healing in my hands and that when I touch people I should touch them with intent, to heal.

Whoa. OK. Awesome. My mother would TOTALLY agree....she's been telling me for years that if she had the money, she'd set me up in my own business of foot massages and I'd have to call it "Satin Feet". (Not that I've given her one of those in YEARS, but I do like to work on the back of her neck whenever I'm over there. Apparently we're both susceptible to a dowager's hump of sorts...or either that or that is the only place we keep every single bit of stress and tension we're under!) ...where was I? Oh yeah, the healing touch. So like really cool to hear that, even if it's blowing smoke up my ass.

Moving on...I can't recall the entire conversation (even though it lasted less than 10 minutes) but I did jot down the highlights...

1. Healing from/in my touch.
2. Take care of myself; emotionally, physically, spiritually.
3. Work on loving myself first and foremost
4. I won't be content forever not being married. I want to be married...someday.
5. Not to give up on my dream of living overseas (London calling...) and that I should be at least planning a trip and taking it soon.
6. Need to pursue finding new work. When I started my current job, I didn't mind it but now it's time for me to make a change.

So like all of that, duh! Could apply to anyone right? Or at least 50% of the population.

But still, all good to hear and be reminded of right? Right!

So we saw some cool acts (the guy on the ladder who juggled and walked a tightrope...cool!) ate food, drank beer and just walked around. It really is just one big money sucker though isn't it? But I'm glad I did it. I've been lacking in the "wild adventures" department lately. And while this wasn't the wildest, it sure was an adventure.

...the work thing was interesting. I had my monthly 1 on 1 with my manager last week. That same day, earlier in the day, I also happened to have had a conversation with my former manager (who is pretty cool...between her and my current one, I feel like I've got 2 champions in my corner) and part of what we talked about was how disappointed I was about in not making Summit. How frustrated I was in general with the job. That I was burning out and cranky. They both pointed out, that in reality, I hadn't started the effort for summit from the beginning of the time frame we had to qualify (yeah, but it still sucks since I worked my ass off the latter half of the year when I found out it was even a possibility) and when I expressed my continuing frustrations with the job (man, I sure bitch about my job a lot to EVERYONE don't I? That's going to change) ...they both had the same "pep talk" for me...that I am responsible for my attitude. It's free and who does it benefit? Me. Who gets to benefit if I don't take any of it personally? Me. (Then again, I'm still going to care because that's who I am but I don't have to let it spill over into all aspects of my life, especially those outside of work)

Sure, we have challenges with the technology (understatement of the year!) and some of the people that call but how I choose to react or not react to them is up to me and why should I let other people bring me down? I care and I do my best for most everyone (Though I'm only human and if someone comes at me with an attitude and they're not won over by my instant friendliness and charm, well then fuck 'em, they won't get my best....Oh. This is probably something else I should probably work on? Kill 'em with kindness and all that jazz...right?) All easier said than done. But I did notice that when I went to work the next few days after these conversations, that I felt better. I said good-bye to my piss poor attitude and decided to not let any of it get to me. (Shall we put money on how long before bad-attitude "Sam" is back? :D)

More importantly, we also talked about that next bid around I should try to get into the group sales department. Especially since they're working toward [getting back to?] where one agent handles the group from start to finish. From booking to when they get off the plane after their flights home. And this is like a total fucking DUH!!!! Why haven't I thought about this sooner? Oh yeah. Daytime hours. But they happen to have shifts that start around 10/11am. I can do that. So once again, it comes down to my getting over my stubborn self and being willing to ...change. Become more flexible. Less rigid. Get my ass up before 11am (or 2pm on days off! :D)

While I love being a night owl...wouldn't the trade off be worth it? Evenings free to spend time with B or friends. Or take classes. And have weekends off again? And more importantly, most importantly, having a job that lets me make the best use of my talents in building and maintaining relationships with customers. Currently, it doesn't pay any more than what we make now but the job satisfaction in itself would be worth it. (Yet another reason to start getting my ass used to being in bed before 4 bloody am!) ...Then again, maybe it will pay better if we vote OUT the union at work. (Don't even get me started about how I'm going to decide what to do when it comes time to make the choice between union or non-union that we're gonna have to deal with in probably about a month or so)

Anyhoo. It also means, doing my job, the current job and NOT slip-sliding back into bad habits...calling in sick when I'm really not (then again, with the depression I am susceptible to, it's very easy take the first step on the slippery slope of "why bother, everything is SO hard") I am in control of my choices and I LIKE having choices and not having them taken away from me. Granted, this job is stressful and draining...oh so draining. (And what's up w/dreaming about work? I am obsessed with finding award space for people in them!)

OOOoooh, you know what? I just thought of a great question I should have asked today...just popped into my head right now...what is my purpose in life??? Would have LOVED to hear what she had to say about that! I have been struggling with this question for years but I won't elaborate on this right now because....Ack! It's now after 3am and I better call it quits and...repeat after me...get my ass to bed.

Stay tuned :P and Ciao.

Oh now THIS is exciting

Not.

Not a whole lot has been going on the past couple of weeks...and what little stuff that has happened hasn't been exciting enough for me to muster up the motivation/desire/energy to post about.

I didn't qualify for Summit at work and I took it badly. I didn't realize how badly I wanted it until I didn't get it.

Fall is officially underway and this year I was not, am not, as sad about it. For the last few years I've gotten especially blue around this time of year...not sure if it has to do with the whole "end of summer" thing though I think that was mostly it. Another summer I didn't take advantage of the weather to go out and about and DO things. But this year? Nope. I think I've been too distracted by living in the now to be sad about what I didn't do in the [now] past. Life is too short for regrets.

☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡

So my goal of getting celebratory cards to people on time is still something I need to work on. My parent's didn't get their anniversary card until over a week later when my brother and I had an anniversary dinner with them. I actually put together said dinner...made them some lemon pasta with chicken. Then we all sat around and chatted for a bit and it was nice. I was a little afraid that they would gang up on me and "witness" to me now that my brother is back on the religion, but nope. Whew! I mentioned this delay to a co-worker who didn't understand what the big deal was, about the anniversary in general, but it's more than their anniversary, it's the anniversary of when we officially became a family with this man that my mother fell in love with and who became "Pop" ...a man who stepped in and became a true father to my brother and I...and we needed that in light of our biological fathers absence. (I really must be growing up since I didn't call the bf an asshole this time around!)

☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡

B and I are good. We've gotten together a few times now and are continuing to really talk and enjoy each others company. It's actually 7 years today that we started just talking again after our last break-up. I don't remember how long we were apart but I sent him a postcard telling him that if he ever needed to find me, where and how he could find me with the phone number and address I had at the time. (I wasn't easy to find with all the moving and changing phones/jobs that had been happening in my 30's...oh who are we kidding? I'm still not permanently settled anywhere...but this brings up another topic I'll get to soon...) It took us almost another month to actually get together in person.

This time around it's been better in so many ways and I think it's because we're both committed to each other as best we can under the current circumstances. We actually sat down and said OK, we're doing this. We're going to be in this relationship. Oh sure, there have been those big speed bumps along the road but they've actually helped. They've allowed me, us, to stop for a minute and really think about whether we wanted to keep going. And on that note, let me just pop in a perfect song for that last sentence (it's just such a great song by Keane how can I resist? :P )




☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡

I've gotten caught up with almost all of the fall season premieres I care about (damn you "The Big Bang Theory" for your lack of availability from the usual sources online) and so last night I found myself watching episodes of "House Hunters International" of all things. I almost shouldn't have because it reminded me that whenever I watch that and the U.S. version, I'm struck by the thought, "how on earth do people afford these houses?" Now I realize that while this is "reality TV" it still is TV and it only reflects a small percentage of the population but it always brings me around to thinking about money which leads to thinking about jobs.

I make less than $25K a year and have to reconcile myself with the fact that unless I do something about getting some further education - which would hopefully lead to a better paying career/job - this is going to be as good as it gets for me. Oh there I go being dramatic again but seriously, unless I get off my scared, lazy ass, this is it. Oh maybe I don't necessarily need more school but I do need the desire to find better and it just isn't there right now. I may rail against the job but it's a job that I've managed to hang on to for over 3 years now and it has some perks (did I mention I'm thinking of making the trip to Amsterdam an annual New Year's Eve thing? Who's with me this year besides Diane?)

The crazy thing is that I really don't need to be making gobs of money. I've become accustomed to living on a smaller income. And you know what? I actually like my life. I'm not bogged down with material possessions. I have what I need with a tiny bit leftover for fun.

But lately, I've become enamored with the idea of settling down and getting my own house and that's gonna cost money. And I'm terrible with money. I admit it. I'm nuts to even think about getting a house of my own but oh the desire is strong. After having moved around so many fucking times in my life, I want to settle down and have a place of my very own. As long as I'm going to stay in MN, well then, why not? I just need to practice discipline. Fiscal discipline.

Renting from someone is so easy, renting from the fabulous is so easy. I can afford this life.

I guess I have the winter to think about what's next for me as the spring will bring about the fabulous putting the house on the market. (I would consider it but it's too much house for one person and I'd prefer something with less levels and in St. Paul.) I know the housing market is great right now and I'll just have to leave it up to the fates as to how it all plays out the next few months. In the meantime, I finally mustered up the courage to run my credit reports. And I'll be focusing on paying off some more bills as best I can -or at least making payments on them.

All that and still trying to live a balanced life. Ha!

You know it's a Friday night and wow, already after midnight. How'd that happen? Oh yeah, I took a nap earlier this evening. Maybe I should have gotten motivated and rung up friends to see what they were doing but nope. I wanted some me time this weekend. Back to the grind tomorrow. Not that I mind starting my work week on a Saturday. I kinda like it.

Well so I guess I will just stop here for tonight. G'night.

And all is well with the world

Happy Saturday to me. Slept to the ungodly time of 2:30pm. Then again, I was up until about 4:30am last night.

After work, I stopped by B's work to talk with him. And you know what? It was so damn good to see him. I had actually called him earlier in the day...with butterflies in my stomach because I wasn't sure what he was going to say. But it was like the "break" hadn't happened. He never did get the email (or do I believe that he never did? Or was he really just playing dumb when he called me last week?) Whatever, I suppose in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter in the end. We had 2 weeks of no contact which still gave us time to appreciate each other and be sure we wanted to be together.

I was able to express to him, in person, some of my frustrations and ask again for some things I need (you know as I write this bit, it occurs to me that this is all very one-sided and about ME isn't it?) and talk about how we can continue to make this work considering how crazy his schedule is. And we just hung out and talked while he worked and it felt good to just connect with him.

He just makes me so damn happy when we're together (it's NOT seeing him that drives me over the edge into drama-land but that's on me to work on that.) I'm so crazy about him -even when he's pissing me off. I don't think I'm going to forget that we will need to keep working at it but he's committed and so am I.

Oh just more passive-aggressive behaviour on my part

(And yes, I'm using the English (as in UK) spelling version of "behaviour"! Deal with it computer!)

What a long day it has been. I've had the hangovers of hangovers and was a very very bad girl and called in sick to work again. The thing is that at 11:45am...which is around the time I leave for work, I was still kinda drunk and I just didn't feel it was in my best interest to make that drive. So there.

The hangover was the result of more than a few (!) Blatz beers being consumed last night at an annual event hosted by Ryan's roommate, Mark (Blatz). I hadn't attended a "BlatzFest" before but had heard stories. It was a great night with only a couple of moments of high drama. I admit I have a crush on Mark ...but managed to mostly behave -even after finding out that he had just broken up with his girlfriend. When I left there were still 7 people standing and that was around 3 a.m. (see I really had the best intentions of going home and crashing out for a few hours before going to work...but then having to get up every fucking hour to pee did NOT help)

So guess what I did during the evening? Yup. Drunk dialing has got to be considered as bad as drunk driving. People should have to turn in their keys AND their phones (oh to think about those days when we didn't have cell phones...)

I was a coherent, not sloppy (or so I'm choosing to believe! :P) drunk and remember most of what I said in the message I left...I hoped he got my email but also that I was IN. Because I love him. And I know he really tries. And that I hoped to talk to him soon.

Now whether or not he gets this message will remain to be seen. See, he's got 2 cell phones for work and on the one of them I can call him in the middle of night whenever I'm out having a late night. So I called it. But I don't know how often he checks it.

Not quite sure why I've yet again told him something important in an indirect way. The email, now this? The way I've handled this whole break thing. But maybe I won't be so hard on myself because it's not like I didn't talk to him about my frustrations, more than once.

The fair is FINALLY over for another fucking year. But crap, now I'm getting nervous. Do I call him first or just wait? What if he did read the email and has decided that he really should do the honorable thing and let me go? Or what if he's decided that he's going to find better ways to deal with his schedule and we do keep on keepin' on. How will this time apart have affected us? Or will it not have changed anything? Or...or...or...

It really boils down to -for me -that I've got this man who is in my life who loves me and totally accepts me for who I am. But I'm also going to have to keep focusing on making MY life better for me. I guess I'll have to hope that we continue talking and he tries harder and I ease up a bit. Ah, relationships. Sigh. They take work but they should be fun too right?

Now to crash because I still have work tomorrow and no excuse not to go. Better not fuck up the work thing. My manager thinks we'll be finding out around the middle of the month who's qualified for the trip...and I'm just trying not to think about it too much.

Either Way It's Pissing Me Off

So he called today. I didn't pick up. I let it go to voice mail (but even then there was only a 75% chance he'd actually leave one but lo and behold, he did!) ...his message was the usual "...Hi, it's me. Just calling to say Hi. It's about 4pm and I'm at work. Give me a call when you have a chance..."

So either he's not gotten around to reading the email (which wouldn't necessarily surprise me...I usually have to tell him that I've sent him an email...so maybe it was not the wisest idea to tell him I wanted the break via email...) or he's playing dumb. If it's the former, well, I guess I'm the idiot for thinking that that was the way to handle this knowing he doesn't just sit around waiting for my emails and if it's the latter...well I'm just going to be royally pissed about the fact that he has not called me in over a week.

I guess if he truly hasn't gotten around to reading the email, well, hopefully he'll get around to it when he doesn't hear back from me this week. And then we'll see if he calls again or does indeed wait until after the fair is over.

Grrrr.

I've been doing really well at displaying self-control in the moments I have a strong urge to call him. I do miss him. Miss knowing he's there in my life, even if lately he's not really been there as much as he used to be.

Sigh. I've yet to know what I want going forward. I guess I'll just have to keep doing the wait and see thing won't I? See what he has to say and how I feel next week.

♂ ♀ ☿ ❤ ❥ ❦ ❧

Another weekend draws to a close. Kept it a pretty mellow weekend. Just caught up on all sorts of TV shows ...Top Chef, MasterChef, Drop Dead Diva, Covert Affairs, White Collar, Royal Pains...and now back to work tomorrow. Yay. Not. But it does keep me from being bored doesn't it?

Nighty night.

It's almost been a week

Since I talked to B and I'm actually doing OK. I think. I might just be suppressing emotions or something ...in order not to send myself down some depressed hole.

Or maybe it's just that I've had a lot going on -enough to keep me distracted. Last Thursday Ryan took me out for a burger and some great conversation. Then there was work Friday. Saturday night saw me at the party Irma was throwing for Matt. Nice party. Nice people.

Sunday more work and then a nice long chat via the phone with Diane. She was kind enough to let me beg off of a breakfast meet we had scheduled for Monday morning (I loathe getting any up earlier than I have to and will only do it if absolutely, positively necessary. I've really gotten spoiled working the hours I do and living the life I have...hey, you know what? That's a good thing!)

Monday, last night...more work and then after getting off early, hanging out and talking with Michelle -a co-worker has turned into my closest co-worker/friend. It's wild that we've connected as well as we have considering she's married and has 3 kids. I really had convinced myself that I wouldn't have anything in common with those-who-have-the-complete-opposite-life-than-mine but it's work that created a bond that has grown. I think it's great for both of us to have this additional adult female friend we've found in each other.

And now tonight...Tuesday, my Friday...woo hoo!

I've now got 2 days of freedom ahead of me. I hope I'll be able to keep myself...distracted enough that I don't obsess over what will happen next with him. Another week of thinking about him a million times. Another week of trying to decide what I want, don't want and/or can live with or refuse to live with anymore.

Oh let's go back to something work related...today, August 31st was the last day of qualifying activity that will determine who is going to be on the final "Summit/Pinnacle" list ...you know, the one that ROCKS because if you are on it, you get an all-expense week trip at a fabulous destination (this year, Atlantis in the Bahamas.) I had some pretty decent sales this month along with the other things, I may actually have a shot again. It didn't look good as of July 10th. I was number 11...and it's only the top 10 but my manager thinks it will all play out differently than everyone thinks. There were all sorts of criteria besides sales that they're using to determine who goes. I did OK on most of them too so who knows. Now it's just a matter of "wait and see". Oh sure I want it to have made it...BAD. But if I didn't, well, oh well. I can always try again next year. (If I stick it out for another year..who knows..I might actually follow up on my interest in finding some job I like in the food industry that doesn't involve cooking or serving! :P )

So where was I? Oh yeah, the 1st week of the "break".

I'm trying to get a feel of life without him ...then again, we could always just try being only friends who keep in touch via the occasional phone call and not see each other (our chemistry is still quite powerful even after all of these years) but again, I'll just have to wait and see what he has to say next week and see how I feel about it all then.

OK...enough for tonight. Time to pee and then think about settling down and getting some much desired sleep (and oh how I'm going to enjoy sleeping my ass off tomorrow...I've been staying up way too late this week goofing around on the computer...)

Onward. Just...onward.

The Break

After the disappointing birthday, weeks of only the briefest, shallow conversations, a couple of quick hook-ups and being stood up repeatedly...I've reached my limit. Last night after he finally got around to calling me and confirming that we weren't getting together that night (and it wasn't the first time he couldn't get around to telling me earlier in the day that we weren't getting together), I told him just to call me after the fair. (It's State Fair time and he LOVES LOVES LOVES the fair.) And then I wrote him an email saying I think we should take a break. I think it's for the best. Who knows what will happen afterward. Either he'll have missed me so much and he'll find a way to make some real time for me, for us or he'll just continue living his life w/out the complication of me and it will be...done. In the meantime I have my own shit to deal with.

I don't know if it's that my expectations have become just too high or that I'm being too needy. But what is a person supposed to expect out of their relationship? I am aware that I could be overreacting and being my dramatic self because I don't exactly have a whole lot else going on for me right now but I've been trying to live MY life and do things for myself. I've tried distancing myself and not getting so worked up if we don't talk everyday. But it's gone beyond that. I've repeatedly tried to tell him I don't feel connected to him. I've tried arranging it so that we have phone dates at specific times so that we can just concentrate on us and the few minutes or moments we have. I've tried to embrace the "long-distance relationship" aspect of our relationship. But IT'S NOT WORKING.

☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡

It's now morning, Thursday, and I'm awake before bloody 10am. I want to keep sleeping but my mind is racing with a million thoughts.

It's going to be another beautiful day and I'm wondering if I'm going to spend it, as usual, by staying up in my room, being attached to this computer.

My world has gotten very small recently. Recently I did a Google search on "Facebook Addiction". Of course I found several pages of results.

What it boiled down to was that if you spent so much time on it, to the detriment of your actually living life, well, then it was a problem.

So it appears I've got myself a tiny little Facebook problem. Heading down that road anyway. I have been telling myself that playing the FB games was a way to relieve the stress from work because I get to feel some sense of control instead of helplessness...and it is...but am now beginning to think that I've gotten my priorities a bit out of whack.

I've gotten all turned around and feel like my life is out of control. I've been making poor choice after poor choice for the past few months. (Well, not all of them were poor choices) and I'm feeling stuck and trapped, in this world I've created for myself.

It wearies me to think of all the things I could be doing to make my life better. Why can't I just be content with the status quo? Content with a man who loves me, even if he can't really be with me as much as I'd like him to be. Content with being employed when so many aren't. Content with this body which has nothing majorly wrong with it. Content with how I spend my days off, relaxing and re-charging my batteries. Content with spending little bits of time with friends (actually this last bit I AM content with. I think we're all OK with the amount of time we spend together...right?)

But nope. Something is missing and I just can't quite put my finger on it. And hey, once again, John Mayer to the rescue to speak for me (about the something missing and not knowing what it is) ...take it away John...



So am I gonna get up now? Take a shower and then do some laundry? Am I gonna go anywhere and/or do something with this beautiful day? Fuck it. I'm gonna try to go back to sleep for a bit.


☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡

Oh and here is a random topic...I watched episodes of MasterChef the other night and it got me thinking about my next new job. This time around, finding something in the food industry. But probably, as usual, I'll think about it and then do a little research but then do nothing after that. I'll just keep settling for this little life of mine.

P.S. It's not all bad. I've got a couple of parties coming up during the next couple of weekends that I'm looking forward to attending even if the first one is for a sad occasion because M, I's boyfriend, is moving out of state.

A kick in the pants

This Week's Horoscope
Comments (0) By Caeriel Crestin Wednesday, Aug 18 2010

Leo(July 23–Aug. 22)

I love seeing people fulfill their potential (and subsequently discovering that they can go even further), and I get disappointed when they slack off in exploring its boundaries. There's no need to be so incredibly driven and motivated that you never stop to enjoy the delicious fruits of your successes. However, passing up opportunities to evolve and expand because of sheer laziness is something I can't accept. This week, discover the balance between pure, unhurried enjoyment of life and being motivated enough to take steps to maximize your growth and potential, and therefore that enjoyment.

and...

Cancer(June 21–July 22)

Drama? You? Never! Sorry for the sarcasm, but it's time you finally came clean about your latest bit of emotional theater. Seeing yourself reflected in that unflattering mirror may be a shock, but don't let it plunge you into depression or self-destructive patterns. That would just be more drama. Shrug it off. Everyone's had those moments. Freaking out about it is exactly the opposite of outgrowing it. Breathe deep, and laugh. Learning from your mistakes with grace and (most of all) humor will be the first sign that you are unlikely to make them again.

Thank you

Thank you Aveda for my birthday gift (and it only took me 3 weeks to go get it) of a free personalized pure-fume and Sephora for the free eye kit (mascara, eyeliner and shadow) and for my free samples of perfumes and other stuff.

I love these little things. So nice since I don't have a lot of money for...non-essentials. (Someone thought I was joking when I told them I make less than $25K a year.)

Not that I need a lot of money. I've learned to live pretty well on less. I want for nothing...really.

But still, when I get gifts from others (merchants, Scotty) and tax refund money, I do like to go a little crazy.

So I'm feeling grateful today for these various gifts and realized it's been awhile since I took stock of the things I'm grateful for in my life. A roof over my head with the fabulous and the punks who love me just as much as I love them, a job, a car that runs, great friends and family, fairly good health for a person of my size and the love of a good man.

Are you tired of these yet?

CANCER (June 21-July 22): This would be an excellent time for you to get
aggressively inventive about your education. It wouldn't be too crazy, in
my opinion, to launch your own school, with you as the only student. You
could design your own course curriculum for the coming years. Decide
who your teachers will be. Think about where you can get the stuff you'll
need to expand your mind, enhance your skills, and just plain increase
your intelligence. You could call your center of higher learning the
University of Wily Exuberance or the Academy of Astonishing Grace or the
Institute of Getting Down to Business.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): For the people of Finland, the word *sisu*
describes a quality they regard as integral to their national character. It
refers to a courageous strength of will that can be sustained for a long
time -- a staunch ferocity that refuses to be defeated. We all could use
more of that good stuff, not only to weather our personal ordeals but
also to stay plucky in the face of the world's lunacy. The coming weeks
will be an especially good time for you to build up your reserves of *sisu,*
Leo. How? Start by taking inventory of all the resources and allies and
skills you have at your disposal.

freewillastrology for this week.

OMG Keane!

Wait here. I'll be right back. Gotta do something first..

OK, I'm back. Had to trim my damn fingernails. This laptop was not made for those who care to have long nails.

Anyhoo...so where was I?

Oh yeah, Keane.

Tomorrow, er, Today is August 11 and they are doing a concert at First Ave tonight and I have tickets for it and more importantly...

OMG OMG OMG I won passes to see them in a pre-concert gig at the 97 Studio C tomorrow, again, er, today in like less than 12 hours!!!! And how wild is it that out of the only couple of things I've won from a radio station, they both involve this band? I actually think I won't really believe it until I'm there and it's happening. I hope I take it all in and savor the experience moment by moment. And get a chance to take some fucking pictures! What's with me having phones WITH cameras and not using the bloody thing?

I'm fucking nervous though because of 1. The weather is abysmal....it's been fucking raining cats, dogs and ELEPHANTS and it's supposed to do that the next 3 days 2. What the hell am I going to wear? It's been too fucking hot to do laundry 3. And oh god, I hope I find the place OK with it being in St. Louis Park. Sheesh, I never go there. And I can only assume it's free parking*, at least I hope it is! That is the bonus to the suburbs...

And then there is the concert itself...at bloody First Ave? Fuck. Haven't been there in over a decade.

I don't remember my first concert there, but I remember my last...Tears for Fears, sans Curt Smith. Roland Orzabal had kept the name and they had just released Elemental.

I also remember going there with Jae and Nikki for dancing and still, to this day, two decades later, whenever I hear "How Soon Is Now" by The Smiths, it makes me think of that place because that's where I would hear The Smiths outside of my own tape deck. (Yup. I said tape deck. Cassette tape deck. Yup.) And I loved that song. I RELATED to that song.

I remember it being painted black. Dark. Sticky floors. Crowded. Windy, twisty and lots of different rooms/areas.

I actually am slightly tempted to blow it off (not that I should since the tickets weren't the cheapest) because of those reasons plus the lack of free parking.

Why oh why do they have to be playing there? Oh sure, it's great for their reputation as a cool band to have played there, but what about playing somewhere us old farts would be comfortable? :P

I'm going to have to get into a "young" frame of mind to enjoy this experience. :} I've not done anything quite like this in a long time. Wish me luck or ?

*Yup. I said that. Free Parking. I "Sam Jones" have been seduced by Free Parking. I am IN LOVE with it. Bad.

Now I'm a grown-up

Did I mention that's what my mother also said when I talked to her on my birthday last week? And for some reason I'm really giving serious thought to that and now thinking about what exactly does it mean to be a grown-up and maybe more importantly, if I WANT to be grown-up. I've done a couple of things it seems like a grown-up should do:

1. Opened up new bank accounts, including a checking account. It's been a long long time since I've had one of those. (I was a naughty girl and fucked up my last one.) And I make the vow, here, that I will not fuck one of these up again. It's going to feel nice to eliminate the specific trip to the cu to get cash and/or money orders, then go to another location and pay a fee and load up pre-paid debit card (man, what a pain in the ass that is, especially in the winter time!)

2. Decided to focus more on myself and my life (aka get one.)

3. Decided that one of these days, sooner rather than later, I'll have that eye appointment and get new glasses (I actually do want to do this so not sure why I've been dragging my feet..oh yeah, the eye exam, don't care much for that part of the whole thing)

4. Upgraded my cell phone. Can't wait to get it. A new "toy" is always fun.

5. Ordered myself a proper wallet. (Thanks Scotty and your generous gift for amazon.com)

☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡

Oh hey, work is sucking me in. Trying to tempt me with an all-expense paid trip to tropical destination. Apparently I'm in the running (still or again depending on when we talked about this last) on my stats from Dec-Jun. July sucked though and all that's left is August to find out who the "winners" are. I'm going to kick some ass in August sales-wise. Fuck. I'll be so pissed if I do keep working my ass off and I just miss it. I'd like to think (more calls, more opportunities for tickets/sales!) that I just have to keep doing what I've been doing and I'll be fine, but I know that's not the case. I'm going to have to really work and zip through the calls. Thank goodness I get better at knowing my shit every day.

I still haven't heard back from the orchestra. I don't think that's a good sign (or am I just being impatient? It is unusual circumstances in that I've worked for them before) but as much as I would love to get back into ticketing, am I sure that I could really, truly walk away from everything that I worked for the last 3 years. I would just have to hope that if this opportunity doesn't turn out the be right one for me, that another wonderful one will happen down the road (after I qualify for the trip!.)

You know, the thing is that I'm really good at this job (though admittedly still far from perfect in that I sometimes let my temper get the best of me when someone is not swayed by my charm and friendliness :P )

Eh. Guess I'll just have to keep "waiting and see'ing".

Oooh, Now THESE are right on the money!

This Week's Horoscope
By Caeriel Crestin Wednesday, Jul 28 2010

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

What you were is not necessarily who you are now. You may have changed without truly realizing it. This is a good week to question long-held assumptions about your identity, your desires, and even your beliefs. Many of them probably still hold true; however, you may have moved on from some without noticing—continuing to pretend they're accurate is a sort of lie. Even though the one who stands to get hurt the most from such a falsehood is you, there are others at stake; that's why getting to the raw truth of things is important. Focus on that this week.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

Leo Christina Perri uploaded her song "Jar of Hearts" to YouTube on June 30. It was then used in a dance performance on So You Think You Can Dance, and subsequently rocketed up the charts. A couple weeks later she was doing national TV appearances and hundreds of thousands of people were downloading her song and knew her name. This is the dream, right? Unfortunately, most of us don't get lucky like that. However, putting yourself out there is the first step to making it possible. You could do more of that—and you should. This week, make showing the world what you're all about your top priority.

Happy Birthday to ...Me

So it occurred to me that I ought to do a post dedicated to my birthday (as it's my new thing lately to do that right?) but I'm not sure how I feel about writing it 2/3 days later.

I guess first I should tell how it went starting from my dinner w/B through the rest of that "weekend" (what I'm choosing to call this whole time from Thursday nights dinner until the end of the day yesterday, Monday)

I was right to have low expectations about what B had planned for me. As I mentioned, it was going to be later dinner than usual so that didn't bode well for the evening. What I haven't mentioned (and why I had low expectations) is that there have been some roller-coaster moments in the last month or so and I'm feeling the "disconnected" feeling again. Maybe it's just that my expectations for what a great relationship are, are out of whack. Oh wait! We've covered this territory before and I KNOW my ideas about relationships are a little...naive!

Anyway, I'm not sure it's not OK to be content with the card and dinner...shouldn't I just be happy he made a tiny bit of effort? Isn't it the thought that counts? Well of course, but the problem is that he's really outdone himself in the romance department before and so my expectations are high.

I guess it just keeps coming back to that I want to feel the love. I want to feel loved. I want to be loved by the person I'm giving all of my love to.

Our time after dinner brought some good conversation though...and since he didn't say "it" via a card, I asked him to tell me something he loved about me. He said my laugh. OK. Good (Because I already know he finds me beautiful ;) ) Then I asked him how did I make him feel? (Why we women are OBSESSED with always needing to know how our man feels is a topic we won't get into tonight :P ) and after thinking about it for a minute, he said "grounded". That I make him feel real. O K. Then we moved on to...um, other things...(And you know what? Mirrors are HOT! ;P)

I fight so hard to keep ...connected because I hate hearing stories of couples who take their relationships for granted and merely co-exist with each other. I know it's not all candlelight and roses but it's important to continue to really like each other, like talking to each other and to keep all the parts of your relationship ALIVE. So they take work don't they? And communication? Yup. So you know what? I think I'm gonna keep my expectations high. I deserve it.

Moving on...Friday was work but it was tolerable because I knew I'd have the next 3 days off so let's just skip right to Saturday. Party!

Great weather and great setting. The deck at that house is ideal for these kinds of parties.

I had the brilliant idea to have a guest-book and then I ended up using it to record some of the nights activities (in case I had so much to drink that I wouldn't remember! :P ) and then jot down other thoughts and feelings about the weekend over those couple of days. I think what I'll do is just insert some of those throughout the next couple of paragraphs.

Ryan to the rescue at the grocery store, then getting ready, then finally just stopping and enjoying the first cocktail of the night while anxiously awaiting who would show up.

Ryan and Megan did the coolest thing in that they surprised me with some decorations which really made it feel like a party.

Then as we 3 were enjoying those first drinks, Diane showed up with her hubby, Brian and her sister, Liz. Yay! Then Irma and her boyfriend Matt arrived. Later, the fabulous stopped by. It was a perfect group of people who knew me, know me, at some different stages in my life...from age 11 to now.

I think Diane must have just known how badly I needed the attention because she was really great at keeping it focused on me. Even if it meant telling some really embarrassing stories! But there was so much laughter, especially when Diane, Brian, Liz and I got into the conversation about our addiction to the FB games. I could feel the other 1/2 of our group just looking at us like we were nuts!

And the part of the evening where she asked everyone to say what they liked about me? Wow. They all had really great things to say, some funny and lots sweet. Awww. I, of course, was thrilled with that. The Leo in me was on cloud fucking 9. Being the center of attention agrees with me. :P

Between the singing of the song and with the great cards/gifts I received (see, B, it IS possible to give someone a great card! And you know what makes a card great? Not the card itself, though those can be great too, it's what you WRITE in the card that makes it GREAT) I cried that night, just a little bit.

After a little bit of rock band, it was just back to the original 3, and we decided to wind down by watching a movie "Law-Abiding Citizen" (Gerard Butler/Jamie Foxx) which was actually pretty good.

The whole night was just wonderful, start to finish. There was feeling love. I felt loved. And yes, I know I'm starting to sound like a broken record, but I do so love that feeling.

I know such an interesting group of people and that I'm someone they care about, humbles me (well, as humble as a Leo can get! :) )

So...

"3:40 am. And then there was only one. Happy Bday to me. It's been a wonderful night. I'm now just waiting to be able to lay down w/out getting the spins. Water and ibruprofen are key."

I hate the spins. (I keep tellin' ya this is why I prefer a certain other form of ...indulgence :P )

I kept myself upright and "awake" by watching TV and then finally around 6am I thought I'd go ahead and try to crash (er, pass out who are we kidding) but it was warm and I desperately started to want my own bed with the soft sheets and the cool, air-conditioned air, so I gathered up my stuff and left a note and headed home.

I got home around 6:30 or so and because I just couldn't resist the lure of the computer (oh who are we kidding, Facebook!) I found I had present waiting for me. Jenn (my artist friend in Portland) had sent me a copy of the finished painting.

I only had one thing I wanted fixed, other than that, WOW! I wasn't sure what I was going to get out of this ...project, but I know that was part of the excitement. Seeing what someone else would see in me. (She has since informed me that it's on it's way to me and as soon as I get it, I will post the copy she sent me as my new "picture" here) ...it's beautiful. Is it me? I'm not sure but I sure like the idea that it is and it isn't.

Anyhoo, so after passing out for a few hours, I woke up to a day free of plans. I never got around to making plans for the actual birthday. And it turned out to be OK that I didn't have any and gave myself permission to have a total ME day w/out apologies or guilt.

I called my Mom (she told me that she missed that I didn't call her the year before and "thank her for giving birth to me") and we actually had a really nice conversation.

"Just got off the phone w/my Mom and she [reminded?] me that I [actually] came earlier than expected. They had to induce labor because of her heart problems and following shortly thereafter surgery! So that shifts, a wee bit, my perception of July 25. Now it is also/only the day I arrived -but [that day] just as easily could have been July 29 or even August 1...or...or... I, of course knew that, know that's the case for all of us. We arrive when we arrive. But I never contemplated it quite like this before.

I told Mom that that might explain a lot -why I've felt my life has been a bit ..."off" ha ha. Is she right that at 40, I'm officially a grown-up? And how do I feel about that?

do I like the thought that I'm at least NOT going to be one of those 40-somethings who DO have the spouse/house/kids who starts to wonder and ask themselves "Is this all there is?" and have a mid-life crisis [or is that just a cliche or just because of that Talking Heads song?] Awesome.

My choices and road ahead are still mine and mine alone.

And you know what else I love? That 40 is a nice round number. A fresh start of sorts."

So I didn't end up doing anything on Sunday but deal with my hangover, play around on the computer and enjoy junk food for dinner. And I'm so happy that that was enough. I think I decided I was NOT going to throw myself a self-pity oh-I'm-so-alone party after I'd just had the fabulous one the night before.

Monday was a day spent keeping Ryan company and helping him out a little bit as he had injured his back playing basketball the day before. I was glad I had the day off to be there for him.

Today. Back to work. And I'm now officially in "40 land". And so far, so good. But it's early days yet. Stay tuned.

1 day to go and PARTY

'Nuff said.

And now it's only 3 days away

Having another lazy day, so far. Yesterday, my Saturday, was a total ME day. I even colored my hair. It's now a dark brown AND no more grays! And I put some polish on my short little nails so now my hands look a little more fun/interesting.

Tonight is my "birthday" w/B. I'm trying not to have too high of expectations because we'll be getting together a bit later than we normally do but I'm sure he'll give me a wonderful night.

So, you're wondering how the interview went the other day? On the one hand, I think fine. It helped that we knew each other (a bit) with my having worked there before, on the other, I couldn't stop myself from talking about some of the terrible things about my current job. I'm not sure I wasn't trying to subconsciously sabotage myself...I realized a few years ago that I do have self-sabotage tendencies. Fear of success is real. Crazy but true.

I had forgotten to ask about when they would be making a decision AND what the hourly rate is, so I sent the manager an email and his reply was that they hope to make a decision in the next couple of weeks AND that the hourly rate would be discussed in the second round of interviews.

WTF? Second fucking round? The first round was tough enough AND I got a fucking ticket for an expired meter of $33!

So I guess it'll be a good sign if I get a 2nd interview but still, geez louise.

See that's the thing, I've never really understood what it is they want because being hard-working and doing a good job doesn't seem to be enough.

---

Sigh.

I watched "Before Sunrise" and "Before Sunset" again last night and I was reminded that if I don't get the job, well, at least I have the current one with those fabulous flight benefits. I want to get back to England and Amsterdam (and get to Vienna and Prague and...and...and...) And it's a hell of a lot cheaper if I stay w/the current place. Even if I'm going to continue to stay surrounded by a bunch of great, but miserable people.

So anyway, it's after 4pm already and I've not gotten a whole lot accomplished for the day except eating breakfast/having coffee.

☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡

Sunday is fast approaching. I can't believe after all of the big build up to it, that it's now really almost here. 40. Me. 40. How the hell did that happen? And what do I have to show for my life? Oh don't go there Sam. You've got a LOT to be very thankful for and so what if you don't have a house or a big fancy career or a husband and/or kids? You're path is a different one from that and it's perfectly fine, wonderful, good.

There's something to be said for having a life that works for you and isn't full of doing things/being someone that someone else thinks you should be.

☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡

Well, I think this is all I'm gonna say right now.