New Beginnings

So it's now been almost 2 weeks since the move and I'm settling into my new place...slowly.

The move was tougher than I thought...leaving the animals who while driving me crazy also gave me unconditional love and affection. But now I will just remain content to love them from afar.

Time to just take care of me and me alone.

And there are a lot of ways I need to do that.

I need to stop getting in my own way, especially at work. I may hate parts of my job (keeping track of my damn stats!) but I find it's easier to bear after I've had that one-on-one with my manager and gotten both praise, support and a gentle kick in the ass. I have to stop getting in my own way. And I have to make sure I'm actually there to do that.

So I'm looking at my new living life as a new beginning. Since I've moved in, I haven't called in sick. The next paycheck will be the first one that has the full 80 hours on it. I think I'm inspired by Ryan. We both struggle with getting to work when we're unhappy but he's really come a long way and is getting himself to work and he's doing what needs to get done...in a lot of ways. No excuses, no whining. Just getting it done, whatever it may be.

Last night we spent some quality time together for the first time since I moved in and it turns out we have other things in common that I wasn't aware prior to now.

Yet, he's also the opposite from me in that he actually wants and envisions things for his future. So last night I decided that it was time I started thinking about my future or at least what I want for my life. But it's such a foreign concept.

I've had to focus so hard the last few years on just getting from moment to moment...keeping my head down and one foot in front of the other...in a dark room...wearing a blindfold...that I'm missing out on things. Granted I still need my alone time (I was reminded of that today as I was out and about interacting with the world doing errands) but I need to find the balance with being social and being with good people. Oh this is not a new subject though is it?

I'm taking baby steps though...tonight was about having dinner with the lovebirds and a week from this Saturday I'm making brunch for us. And it's something to look forward to...I guess I haven't had a lot of things to look forward to lately. Fun things. I should find a way to save up for a little trip to ...somewhere, anywhere and get out of my comfort zone.

Moving out of the Fabulous' was certainly a good start to shaking things up wasn't it? I'm torn between wanting to try to put down in words how hard it was to leave that life from the physical to the emotional or just let it be what it was. No need to dwell on the past right? Appreciate it for the gift it was, learn from it and move on.

So here I am...new walls around me. New roof over my head. New garage to park in. And yet I think I need to really actually do something about my....life. No more talking the talk but walking the walk

I've got so many excuses but I'm tired of going around in the same circles. And I need stories to tell. :P

A new beginning

I'm here. Moved and living a new in a new home. I think it's a great stepping-stone to my living alone again.

So here's the thing - whenever I am feeling that, I'm pondering ending my relationship with B, While there is love and amazing sex, the lows are so fucking low. I just want someone to love me and have some time for me. And I am great with only 1 day a week.

I haven't had that with him in about 3 weeks and it's driving me nuts...because now it's gonna be another 2 weeks at least.

He is now off on his "annual vacation" with them. Them. The reason he is not mine.

Anyway, I've been doing a lot of thinking tonight about my new life, well, living situation (which actually should influence more activity on the former) and it occurs to me that B hasn't seen this place yet (well, it's not even been a week yet) but maybe this will the place I am when I finally decide to live a B free life.

But I love him so much. That's what usually happens. My love refuses to give up. He's [been] worth it in the end. Will he be this time? We'll see.

OOOOoooooh how appropriate..."Eat. Pray. Love" on instant play on Netflix. How fitting for my frame of mind these days.

So I think I might need to watch that movie again because I was trying to hard to read something into it that would be fitting for me and my life that I missed what might be fitting for me and my life.

Um, er, ahem...

Just another post written in the middle of the night. I'm actually a bit sleepy having just taken a shower. I've discovered I dig taking my shower at night because then I can sleep in just that little bit longer in the "morning".

I know I haven't posted in awhile. You know how it is right? Life just keeps happening and takes over. The wild thing is that I'm so overwhelmed and anxious about certain things that you'd think that writing about them would make me feel better but it's like I've got so much going on in my head and to try to even put it all down in writing is too much. My ordinary, humdrum life is being given a toss and turn. I'm still pissed off about the break-in and that they took my computer. I keep wondering if I'm going to find the house broken into again when I get home from work. I worry about the new computer and have been hiding it. Speaking of the new computer, I am very grateful I was given the opportunity to get it sooner rather than later but indulge me a bit in my whining about how it's not as nice as my other one. It's not as comfortable to "type" on I'm discovering as I write this post tonight, the first significant bit of writing I've done on it. And then there is that it heats up so quickly compared to the other one. Maybe I'll be able to someday afford an "upgrade" to that other one again. Working for Troy is going to only be a good thing for me financially. I've done one project so far and soon will be doing more....

But anyway...here I am. With change on the horizon. With excitement at the next chapter in my life story. But also with a little fear in my gut.

The change? Moving. Moving again. Out of the fabulous' house. In less than a week now. Moving in with Ryan, to rent out his basement. I still think it's wild how I only really intended to be here for a few months...maybe a year. And then that turned into about 2 1/2 years. She gave me a home...but more than that, came to my rescue in a variety of ways more times that I can count or will ever be able to thank her for. It is not lost on me that as a grown woman of 40 that I should not need rescuing but well, we all need help sometimes I guess. Right?

I'm not looking forward to the actual process of moving but then again, as it'll be my brother and Pop helping out once again, along with a co-worker and her truck and the lack of possessions I own I think we'll be done in a couple of hours. At least I hope that's the case as I have to work my usual shift that day!

I think Ryan and I will be good roommates. We're good friends but not joined at the hip and with our opposite schedules, again, it's an ideal set up for a roommate scenario. Plus with my being in the basement we'll each have our own space. And our own bathrooms!

The fear? On Wednesday (coincidentally also B's birthday!) I have to go to court for my accident with no car insurance. Finally. While I'm glad I'll be able to put it behind me, I'm freaking out about whether or not they're going to either take my license or throw me in jail or both! Everyone keeps telling me that it'll be fine but they've never been in my shoes! Various results from my search on "Google" say the same thing -because it is a misdemeanor "The Court can order you to serve up to 90 days of jail time. Other penalties for driving without insurance in Minnesota can be license suspension or revocation of your registration." . It's a first (and fucking last) offense so I'm going to pray neither of those things happen. Yup. I'm really gonna pray on this one. (Don't tell my parent's but I do actually pray sometimes...a lot of times to just give thanks for all the things I am thankful for...I don't think prayer or religion is only for the bad times...OK, not gonna get into all of that right now)

Anyhoo...my brother, the coolest big brother EVER is going to go with me, in fact drive me, just in case. I'm more grateful for the moral support than anything. I'm so glad I don't have to go and do it alone.

One way or another I will just have to deal with the consequences won't I? If I'm not mistaken I believe my new place is on a bus route too so if the worst that happened was the loss of my license then I'd still be able to get back and forth to work ...that would totally fucking suck but it wouldn't be the end of the world would it?

And think of the money I'd save on insurance and gas and repairs/maintenance! But oh how I'd mourn the loss of my freedom.

OK, OK, OK, this is why whenever I start thinking about going to court I get sick to my stomach. Time to think of something else. I will just hope and pray for the best and focus on the positive.

Ah crap, it's now 3am. I should think of calling it a night. OK. I think this will have to be enough for tonight.

G'night.

P.S. Am including a song that will hopefully remind me of another topic I'm going to revisit soon. Enjoy! Oh nevermind. Can't find a good "video" to embed for Colin Hay's "Waiting for My Real Life to Begin". Poo.