But/Yet/And Now What?

So here it is. This is my life.

I don't know why I'm making such a big deal about having a new place. Lots of people have a new place and don't think it means more than just that.

I guess I just want it to represent more than just a new address.

...it's starting out fairly close to the "beginning" with a bang...I wasn't home for 2 weeks in the first 30 days (or so) so it hasn't started to feel quite home yet.

and Mom is back in the hospital...same place and thankfully I'm a lot closer now. I'm not freaking out ...yet. She went in Friday night with a fever of 103 and the shakes & shivers. But she's been up for visitors starting Saturday late afternoon...We really think...hope she's going to be OK. She's on antibiotics...they thought maybe pneumonia but now it may be some form of cellulitis (sp?) . . .she picked up something somewhere...and I'm afraid from swimming. That would suck if she had to reduce or stop doing that because it's one of the few physical activities she can do and actually enjoys.

Tonight - a potential aid/solution...swim shoes. I'm going to look into those after I've finished this up.

She has to be OK. The alternative is unacceptable. Is that childish of me? You bet. But when it comes to our parent's mortality, why do we have to be mature about it? It's enough that we eventually see them as flawed human beings, just being who they are as individuals and not as "superheroes" or only "Mom and Pop."

 So now...time to distract myself from thinking about anything happening to my mother anytime within the next decade...at minimum.

*Sigh*

Every once in a while I like to totally self-indulge in analyzing myself...you know, the whole "who am I?" thing.

Things about Me...2012.

1. Pizza -all kinds....frozen, bad frozen, fresh, Dominos, gourmet...doesn't matter...is my new favorite "food". I used to say anything related to breakfast.

2. I eat more sweet things now. Used to be that I was only a salty snack/treat freak.

3. I'm not as opposed to trying spicier things.

4. I like to cook more...and use fresh ingredients...but yet still refuse to give up "bad" foods.

OK, should I worry this is all related to food so far?

Nah. I've decided to redevelop my relationship with it. Appreciate it for what it is...nourishment for the one and only body I've been given and not let my love and passion for it control me.

*Yawn*

I LOVE LOVE LOVE my apartment. I'm so happy I could make this work (with thanks to a few people)....and now time to put myself to bed.

After looking up swim shoe info. that is. :P

And now I am really excited about my new…life

I’m currently away from home, dog and house sitting for a friend –former co-worker of sorts. 

I met Kathy probably about 10 years ago (!) when I was working for CUNA Mutual at Postal Credit Union in North St. Paul. We’ve kept in touch over the years –and I cat sat for her years ago and now just recently have begun dog and house sitting for her. 

The timing was a little off, but I got paid a good amount to do this and I’m not complaining….with just having moved into my apartment I’m ready to start really living in it. 

When I did this for her back in December, it lit the fire of my desire to have my own place. I had been thinking about it…but was afraid to make the move …to move.

What’s great is that she has cable and I’ve been able to gorge myself on “House Hunters” and “House Hunters International” …which today got me thinking about the fact that having watched that show for years had me subconsciously prepared to decide where I wanted to live next. What I thought was important, what I wanted vs. needed, would settle for and wouldn’t compromise on all came from having to think about how I live my life and want for it. 

So when I watch episodes and I see these people having to make choices and compromises and still get what they want...I'm happy I didn't have to really make a lot of comprises because I picked a home with a lot of pros...my own laundry, a dishwasher, charm, space, character and an elevator!

And personality. It has so much personality. 

What I think is interesting (?) is that it's usually House Hunters International that typically show what I would want for myself –flats and other beautiful small apartments in the city...cool little "flats" and other charming little apartments that it seems like you can only find in Europe. (Am I preparing myself for that eventual move across the pond? Maybe...) 

I’m really looking forward to making my little place a home.  Right now I’m feeling like I will be there for a long time (because I won’t want to move again until I can afford movers, professional movers. This move was so physically challenging and I never want to go through that again.)

So I love that it’s my place. My own space. And I can’t wait to really add my personality to it. I’ve gotten a start with finding those bar stools at Saver’s for super cheap. And those pillows! And I’ve got Nita making pillows out of my concert t-shirts. And I’ve got some great stuff to put up on the walls. Now just to find the perfect coffee table or storage ottoman, a chair or two and maybe a bookshelf? I also need something to put the TV on. 

....but yet, what I need to remember is that I don’t have to have it all “done” right away. I can just take my time and only add things that I really love…not just have stuff. I want to have a cool, funky, comfortable “nest”.

I know I really made a good choice…even if it was an impulsive one. (Deciding to take it after one look and taking no time to think about it.)

And I’m so grateful for all the help I have gotten –from Ryan helping me with the move to people at work giving me things…dishes, a blender, a TV w/built in VCR! And just the overall support I’ve received from everyone. 

Even my mother has now been to see this place and she hasn’t been to one of my homes for years. Nope, she never came over to Ryan’s, Jen’s or my apartment on Grand Ave. I don’t even think she ever came to Grant St. Commons …or my apartment in Uptown on Fremont. Or…where was I before that? Oh…with them! The night she came over I made us dinner and it was nice to show her…how I live. What my life is about.

…

Work is good…though I’ve been taking a lot of time off lately. I’ve totally been taking advantage of PPT and vacation days. I’m a bit burned out and having paid time off is fucking wonderful.

Next month will be my 5 year anniversary and I’m eligible for 3 weeks of vacation! How fucking sweet is that?  

I’m hoping by having this time off, to just relax, will keep me going…I can’t afford to hate my job –I don’t want to go back to hating my job and dreading work. 

So now I just need to think some more about life outside of work and outside of the apartment. 

I’ve got a new life, new home and now new hair. (I found a great color. A nice shade of brown w/out the red or orange highlights. Though next time, I’m going to try the light brown color. I think that will look more…natural.) 

So here I am. I’m not at home. I’m in somebody else’s home and it’s giving me a chance to see what I think I might or might not want for mine. 

I’m feeling good and I’m so happy I finally decided to do it. I can’t wait to get back to my place and start really living. 

I’m not so scared anymore.

Hmmmm, interesting (how many times have I titled a post this way?)

CANCER (June 21-July 22): What actions best embody the virtue of
courage? Fighting on the battlefield as a soldier? Speaking out against
corruption and injustice? Climbing a treacherous peak or riding a raft
through rough river water? Certainly all those qualify. But French architect
Fernand Pouillon had another perspective. He said, "Courage lies in being
oneself, in showing complete independence, in loving what one loves, in
discovering the deep roots of one's feelings." That's exactly the nature of
the bravery you are best able to draw on right now, Cancerian. So please
do draw on it in abundance.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): In his book *The Four Insights,* author Alberto
Villoldo tells the following story: "A traveler comes across two
stonecutters. He asks the first, 'What are you doing?' and receives the
reply, 'Squaring the stone.' He then walks over to the second stonecutter
and asks, 'What are you doing?' and receives the reply, 'I am building a
cathedral.' In other words, both men are performing the same task, but
one of them is aware that he has the choice to be part of a greater
dream." By my astrological reckoning, Leo, it's quite important for you to
be like that second stonecutter in the months ahead. I suggest you start
now to ensure that outcome.

(Free Will Astrology for this week.) 

Approx. 3 weeks have passed since the move...

So maybe that is the direction this blog will continue in. An blog dedicated to this new home of mine.

Adjusting to living alone and actually feeling a bit scared at this new life I've chosen. I know that may seem a bit silly but I've just turned my living situation upside down. The opposite of what I just had. I guess I stop letting the fact that I'm a new place, stop me from now exploring what's outside my door. (Or something like that.)

So, I'm looking up theater listings...activities in Mears Park/Festivals, YMCA (they have a pool!)...there are things to do in this town. I've just got to start doing some of them. My life is great, but it could be a bit more....

more....

I don't know. Enjoyable?

But then there are those few lonely times where I don't want to do anything by myself anymore. I'm tired of doing things alone, of traveling alone. Granted, I love being able to do what I want without guilt...that's what living alone is like so far....I can do what I want, when I want.

What I want to do right this minute though is shop. I met up w/Kathy tonight. I'll be dog/house-sitting for her in a few days for a couple of weeks. And she paid me for it in advance. And while I should give some to my brother and to the Dentist & Dr., I just want to spend it on furnishings for my new apartment! In the worst way!

My little apartment is so...bare. And I need lamps!

She gave me a ride home after dinner and came up and saw the place. I was so excited to show it off, even bare as it is.

I should host a little soiree but yet I'm afraid people wouldn't come...like with what happens with my birthday most years.

I think for this year, if Scott's up for it, I'll go visit him for my birthday.

Oooh, something to look forward to again! I love having things to look forward too!