Oooh, Now THESE are right on the money!

This Week's Horoscope
By Caeriel Crestin Wednesday, Jul 28 2010

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

What you were is not necessarily who you are now. You may have changed without truly realizing it. This is a good week to question long-held assumptions about your identity, your desires, and even your beliefs. Many of them probably still hold true; however, you may have moved on from some without noticing—continuing to pretend they're accurate is a sort of lie. Even though the one who stands to get hurt the most from such a falsehood is you, there are others at stake; that's why getting to the raw truth of things is important. Focus on that this week.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

Leo Christina Perri uploaded her song "Jar of Hearts" to YouTube on June 30. It was then used in a dance performance on So You Think You Can Dance, and subsequently rocketed up the charts. A couple weeks later she was doing national TV appearances and hundreds of thousands of people were downloading her song and knew her name. This is the dream, right? Unfortunately, most of us don't get lucky like that. However, putting yourself out there is the first step to making it possible. You could do more of that—and you should. This week, make showing the world what you're all about your top priority.

Happy Birthday to ...Me

So it occurred to me that I ought to do a post dedicated to my birthday (as it's my new thing lately to do that right?) but I'm not sure how I feel about writing it 2/3 days later.

I guess first I should tell how it went starting from my dinner w/B through the rest of that "weekend" (what I'm choosing to call this whole time from Thursday nights dinner until the end of the day yesterday, Monday)

I was right to have low expectations about what B had planned for me. As I mentioned, it was going to be later dinner than usual so that didn't bode well for the evening. What I haven't mentioned (and why I had low expectations) is that there have been some roller-coaster moments in the last month or so and I'm feeling the "disconnected" feeling again. Maybe it's just that my expectations for what a great relationship are, are out of whack. Oh wait! We've covered this territory before and I KNOW my ideas about relationships are a little...naive!

Anyway, I'm not sure it's not OK to be content with the card and dinner...shouldn't I just be happy he made a tiny bit of effort? Isn't it the thought that counts? Well of course, but the problem is that he's really outdone himself in the romance department before and so my expectations are high.

I guess it just keeps coming back to that I want to feel the love. I want to feel loved. I want to be loved by the person I'm giving all of my love to.

Our time after dinner brought some good conversation though...and since he didn't say "it" via a card, I asked him to tell me something he loved about me. He said my laugh. OK. Good (Because I already know he finds me beautiful ;) ) Then I asked him how did I make him feel? (Why we women are OBSESSED with always needing to know how our man feels is a topic we won't get into tonight :P ) and after thinking about it for a minute, he said "grounded". That I make him feel real. O K. Then we moved on to...um, other things...(And you know what? Mirrors are HOT! ;P)

I fight so hard to keep ...connected because I hate hearing stories of couples who take their relationships for granted and merely co-exist with each other. I know it's not all candlelight and roses but it's important to continue to really like each other, like talking to each other and to keep all the parts of your relationship ALIVE. So they take work don't they? And communication? Yup. So you know what? I think I'm gonna keep my expectations high. I deserve it.

Moving on...Friday was work but it was tolerable because I knew I'd have the next 3 days off so let's just skip right to Saturday. Party!

Great weather and great setting. The deck at that house is ideal for these kinds of parties.

I had the brilliant idea to have a guest-book and then I ended up using it to record some of the nights activities (in case I had so much to drink that I wouldn't remember! :P ) and then jot down other thoughts and feelings about the weekend over those couple of days. I think what I'll do is just insert some of those throughout the next couple of paragraphs.

Ryan to the rescue at the grocery store, then getting ready, then finally just stopping and enjoying the first cocktail of the night while anxiously awaiting who would show up.

Ryan and Megan did the coolest thing in that they surprised me with some decorations which really made it feel like a party.

Then as we 3 were enjoying those first drinks, Diane showed up with her hubby, Brian and her sister, Liz. Yay! Then Irma and her boyfriend Matt arrived. Later, the fabulous stopped by. It was a perfect group of people who knew me, know me, at some different stages in my life...from age 11 to now.

I think Diane must have just known how badly I needed the attention because she was really great at keeping it focused on me. Even if it meant telling some really embarrassing stories! But there was so much laughter, especially when Diane, Brian, Liz and I got into the conversation about our addiction to the FB games. I could feel the other 1/2 of our group just looking at us like we were nuts!

And the part of the evening where she asked everyone to say what they liked about me? Wow. They all had really great things to say, some funny and lots sweet. Awww. I, of course, was thrilled with that. The Leo in me was on cloud fucking 9. Being the center of attention agrees with me. :P

Between the singing of the song and with the great cards/gifts I received (see, B, it IS possible to give someone a great card! And you know what makes a card great? Not the card itself, though those can be great too, it's what you WRITE in the card that makes it GREAT) I cried that night, just a little bit.

After a little bit of rock band, it was just back to the original 3, and we decided to wind down by watching a movie "Law-Abiding Citizen" (Gerard Butler/Jamie Foxx) which was actually pretty good.

The whole night was just wonderful, start to finish. There was feeling love. I felt loved. And yes, I know I'm starting to sound like a broken record, but I do so love that feeling.

I know such an interesting group of people and that I'm someone they care about, humbles me (well, as humble as a Leo can get! :) )

So...

"3:40 am. And then there was only one. Happy Bday to me. It's been a wonderful night. I'm now just waiting to be able to lay down w/out getting the spins. Water and ibruprofen are key."

I hate the spins. (I keep tellin' ya this is why I prefer a certain other form of ...indulgence :P )

I kept myself upright and "awake" by watching TV and then finally around 6am I thought I'd go ahead and try to crash (er, pass out who are we kidding) but it was warm and I desperately started to want my own bed with the soft sheets and the cool, air-conditioned air, so I gathered up my stuff and left a note and headed home.

I got home around 6:30 or so and because I just couldn't resist the lure of the computer (oh who are we kidding, Facebook!) I found I had present waiting for me. Jenn (my artist friend in Portland) had sent me a copy of the finished painting.

I only had one thing I wanted fixed, other than that, WOW! I wasn't sure what I was going to get out of this ...project, but I know that was part of the excitement. Seeing what someone else would see in me. (She has since informed me that it's on it's way to me and as soon as I get it, I will post the copy she sent me as my new "picture" here) ...it's beautiful. Is it me? I'm not sure but I sure like the idea that it is and it isn't.

Anyhoo, so after passing out for a few hours, I woke up to a day free of plans. I never got around to making plans for the actual birthday. And it turned out to be OK that I didn't have any and gave myself permission to have a total ME day w/out apologies or guilt.

I called my Mom (she told me that she missed that I didn't call her the year before and "thank her for giving birth to me") and we actually had a really nice conversation.

"Just got off the phone w/my Mom and she [reminded?] me that I [actually] came earlier than expected. They had to induce labor because of her heart problems and following shortly thereafter surgery! So that shifts, a wee bit, my perception of July 25. Now it is also/only the day I arrived -but [that day] just as easily could have been July 29 or even August 1...or...or... I, of course knew that, know that's the case for all of us. We arrive when we arrive. But I never contemplated it quite like this before.

I told Mom that that might explain a lot -why I've felt my life has been a bit ..."off" ha ha. Is she right that at 40, I'm officially a grown-up? And how do I feel about that?

do I like the thought that I'm at least NOT going to be one of those 40-somethings who DO have the spouse/house/kids who starts to wonder and ask themselves "Is this all there is?" and have a mid-life crisis [or is that just a cliche or just because of that Talking Heads song?] Awesome.

My choices and road ahead are still mine and mine alone.

And you know what else I love? That 40 is a nice round number. A fresh start of sorts."

So I didn't end up doing anything on Sunday but deal with my hangover, play around on the computer and enjoy junk food for dinner. And I'm so happy that that was enough. I think I decided I was NOT going to throw myself a self-pity oh-I'm-so-alone party after I'd just had the fabulous one the night before.

Monday was a day spent keeping Ryan company and helping him out a little bit as he had injured his back playing basketball the day before. I was glad I had the day off to be there for him.

Today. Back to work. And I'm now officially in "40 land". And so far, so good. But it's early days yet. Stay tuned.

1 day to go and PARTY

'Nuff said.

And now it's only 3 days away

Having another lazy day, so far. Yesterday, my Saturday, was a total ME day. I even colored my hair. It's now a dark brown AND no more grays! And I put some polish on my short little nails so now my hands look a little more fun/interesting.

Tonight is my "birthday" w/B. I'm trying not to have too high of expectations because we'll be getting together a bit later than we normally do but I'm sure he'll give me a wonderful night.

So, you're wondering how the interview went the other day? On the one hand, I think fine. It helped that we knew each other (a bit) with my having worked there before, on the other, I couldn't stop myself from talking about some of the terrible things about my current job. I'm not sure I wasn't trying to subconsciously sabotage myself...I realized a few years ago that I do have self-sabotage tendencies. Fear of success is real. Crazy but true.

I had forgotten to ask about when they would be making a decision AND what the hourly rate is, so I sent the manager an email and his reply was that they hope to make a decision in the next couple of weeks AND that the hourly rate would be discussed in the second round of interviews.

WTF? Second fucking round? The first round was tough enough AND I got a fucking ticket for an expired meter of $33!

So I guess it'll be a good sign if I get a 2nd interview but still, geez louise.

See that's the thing, I've never really understood what it is they want because being hard-working and doing a good job doesn't seem to be enough.

---

Sigh.

I watched "Before Sunrise" and "Before Sunset" again last night and I was reminded that if I don't get the job, well, at least I have the current one with those fabulous flight benefits. I want to get back to England and Amsterdam (and get to Vienna and Prague and...and...and...) And it's a hell of a lot cheaper if I stay w/the current place. Even if I'm going to continue to stay surrounded by a bunch of great, but miserable people.

So anyway, it's after 4pm already and I've not gotten a whole lot accomplished for the day except eating breakfast/having coffee.

☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡

Sunday is fast approaching. I can't believe after all of the big build up to it, that it's now really almost here. 40. Me. 40. How the hell did that happen? And what do I have to show for my life? Oh don't go there Sam. You've got a LOT to be very thankful for and so what if you don't have a house or a big fancy career or a husband and/or kids? You're path is a different one from that and it's perfectly fine, wonderful, good.

There's something to be said for having a life that works for you and isn't full of doing things/being someone that someone else thinks you should be.

☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡

Well, I think this is all I'm gonna say right now.

Eeek!

So it's here already...tomorrow morning is when I have the interview w/the orchestra and I'm so nervous I could puke.

I shouldn't be so nervous, I worked for them for years and did a good, no, GREAT job for them for the most part but sadly that's never been enough to get any of the full-time jobs I've applied for there before...one of which is a earlier version of one of the ones I'm interviewing for now.

Everything I've read about interviewing contains the same message...practice, practice, practice answering questions...crap, that reminds me, I've got a few that I need to write down and bring with me! But do I have any decent paper or anything? Nope. Maybe I'll just use my newest journal. It's semi-professional looking w/it's black leather case (binding?) OK, yeah, that'll have to do. And I've just gotten a head start on the questions I have.

I know I'm not the same person I was 3+ years ago when I was interviewing with them and the ticket office staff has changed so I sure hope that works in my favor.

So...we'll just see how it goes won't we? I think I'm smart enough to be able to answer questions intelligently and hopefully I'll be wise enough to bite my tongue when I might want to start babbling. I'll just have to remember to take a moment before answering a question and remember to breathe!

So OK. Wish me luck!

Yet again, more horoscope keepers that "talk" to me.

Sign Language

Comments (0) By Caeriel Crestin Wednesday, Jul 14 2010

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

Cancers, despite your sensitivity and intuition, are occasionally terrible at compromise. You get into this all-or-nothing, with-me-or-against-me mentality and don't give anyone room to maneuver. Things in life are rarely as starkly black-and-white as they sometimes are in your heart. This leads to heartache for you and those you're close to. One of your biggest challenges in life is trying to find a way past this uncooperative state of mind, to live more in the gray areas of human emotion. This week it should be more obvious than ever that clinging to absolutes can only lead to pain; aim for the more subtle (and accurate) spaces in between.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

Playing dirty isn't your style. Sure, you're pretty good at it when you have to be, but sinking to that level doesn't suit you, and won't serve you well in the long run. You're at your best when you can simply and openly be who you are, uncensored and unlimited. That's exactly what you should strive for right now. Strip away the layers of deception—especially self-deception (well-intentioned as it might be)—and bring your full self to the situation. This may frighten or intimidate some and turn off others, but those who you most seek to impress will be exactly that—impressed.

☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡

So did I mention that I have my interview w/the orchestra next Tuesday morning? No? Well, yup, I do. But thankfully I've got work to keep me distracted over the weekend. I'm still going to be nervous but maybe less so than I usually am having worked for them already and having done a good job (for the most part). But I'm going to try not to obsess over this whole thing...I'm going to brush up on answering interview questions and get opinions on what I should wear in this bloody warm weather.

☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡

It was awesome to hang out w/R & M the other night after work and have a few beers. I really do need to get out more often don't I? I do always have fun when I do...it's the "getting there" that seems to be the challenge.

☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡

Bro came over today to give Suzette a jump since somebody, ok, yours truly, left the dome night on overnight and most of the next day the other night (I blame it on the beer! :P ) Oops! Thank goodness that worked and it all happened during my "weekend".

☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡

I'm still loving my new hair. Yay for finally having a professional cut it. It's so easy to "wear" and works with my natural waves (how I'd get so lucky as to have some natural wave to my hair?)

☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡

I spent the beautiful day mostly indoors catching up on some TV. (I've stopped beating myself up over not spending more time outdoors during the summertime...good for me!) I didn't think I was going to care for "Covert Affairs" but I really liked it. And I thought I'd really love "Rizzoli and Isles" but a. it made me sad that "Women's Murder Club" didn't last and b. it wasn't that good though I can't quite put my finger on why. And yay to "White Collar" being back. Really like that one.

☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡

OK, so now that I've put you to sleep w/these scintillating tidbits, I shall wish you good night and sweet dreams.

Maybe some hope?

I finally bit the bullet and got a proper, professional haircut today...it turned out great...thank goodness. I've been saying that I haven't minded doing it myself because I'd only be mad or disappointed with myself. I used to care a lot more and had it done professionally for years, even had several stylists I actually was a regular with for an extended period of time.

I guess I'm trying to become a woman who cares about her ..appearance again. I may not do the make-up thing but that's no reason not to have great hair and nails or to wear some of these really great outfits that I have. Right? Right.

Anyhoo, afterward, it was time to meet up w/the gang from the orchestra 'cause one of the women that used to work there {who moved to Virginia Beach} is in town and we had a reunion of sorts. It was worth my going (getting out of the house on a day off!!!) because it turns out that a couple of the full-time ticket office staff are leaving and the current ticket office manager wants me to go ahead and send him my resume (done!) so we'll see how that goes.

I feel like I really shouldn't necessarily get my hopes up. I thought I closed out that chapter of my life (I've blogged about it haven't I?) but it's not the same ticket office it was before and I'm not the same person I was then either.

So I'm gonna go for it and if it doesn't work out, well, I've still got the current job with those oh-so-wonderful flight benefits don't I?!

Tomorrow night is date night w/B and I'll be happy to see him. He was out of town for the holiday weekend ( : ( ) and while he was gone I sent him a very sad email. But as I said to him at the end of it, loving someone means listening to them when they're down right?

He is always telling me that I need to get out more and he's right. It is usually worth it when I do.

Well...hmm. So I guess I'll just stop this here for tonight. G'night.

I get so tired of this loneliness

"I get so tired of this loneliness". Yup.

Lyrics in a Coldplay song that I just heard (thanks Pandora!) "Yes".

Pretty much sums up my reaction to this past holiday weekend.

I've decided that I hate ALL holidays. I'm done with them.

This past one found me in a low-down dirty depressed self-pitying, wallowing mood.

Aware that because of certain choices I've made/am making in my life, that I am completely and utterly alone when it comes right down to it.

Oh sure, there are people orbiting around "Sam's Universe" but they are neither spouse, best friend or child.

And I'm completely stuck between wanting to change my life so that I have lots of people I do things with constantly and being so weary of maintaining friendships that I may fuck up in some way or another (been there, done that. Let me send you a postcard.)

So there. Yup. It really was one hell of a pity party.

Now I just have to decide where I go from here.