Oh now THIS is exciting

Not.

Not a whole lot has been going on the past couple of weeks...and what little stuff that has happened hasn't been exciting enough for me to muster up the motivation/desire/energy to post about.

I didn't qualify for Summit at work and I took it badly. I didn't realize how badly I wanted it until I didn't get it.

Fall is officially underway and this year I was not, am not, as sad about it. For the last few years I've gotten especially blue around this time of year...not sure if it has to do with the whole "end of summer" thing though I think that was mostly it. Another summer I didn't take advantage of the weather to go out and about and DO things. But this year? Nope. I think I've been too distracted by living in the now to be sad about what I didn't do in the [now] past. Life is too short for regrets.

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So my goal of getting celebratory cards to people on time is still something I need to work on. My parent's didn't get their anniversary card until over a week later when my brother and I had an anniversary dinner with them. I actually put together said dinner...made them some lemon pasta with chicken. Then we all sat around and chatted for a bit and it was nice. I was a little afraid that they would gang up on me and "witness" to me now that my brother is back on the religion, but nope. Whew! I mentioned this delay to a co-worker who didn't understand what the big deal was, about the anniversary in general, but it's more than their anniversary, it's the anniversary of when we officially became a family with this man that my mother fell in love with and who became "Pop" ...a man who stepped in and became a true father to my brother and I...and we needed that in light of our biological fathers absence. (I really must be growing up since I didn't call the bf an asshole this time around!)

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B and I are good. We've gotten together a few times now and are continuing to really talk and enjoy each others company. It's actually 7 years today that we started just talking again after our last break-up. I don't remember how long we were apart but I sent him a postcard telling him that if he ever needed to find me, where and how he could find me with the phone number and address I had at the time. (I wasn't easy to find with all the moving and changing phones/jobs that had been happening in my 30's...oh who are we kidding? I'm still not permanently settled anywhere...but this brings up another topic I'll get to soon...) It took us almost another month to actually get together in person.

This time around it's been better in so many ways and I think it's because we're both committed to each other as best we can under the current circumstances. We actually sat down and said OK, we're doing this. We're going to be in this relationship. Oh sure, there have been those big speed bumps along the road but they've actually helped. They've allowed me, us, to stop for a minute and really think about whether we wanted to keep going. And on that note, let me just pop in a perfect song for that last sentence (it's just such a great song by Keane how can I resist? :P )




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I've gotten caught up with almost all of the fall season premieres I care about (damn you "The Big Bang Theory" for your lack of availability from the usual sources online) and so last night I found myself watching episodes of "House Hunters International" of all things. I almost shouldn't have because it reminded me that whenever I watch that and the U.S. version, I'm struck by the thought, "how on earth do people afford these houses?" Now I realize that while this is "reality TV" it still is TV and it only reflects a small percentage of the population but it always brings me around to thinking about money which leads to thinking about jobs.

I make less than $25K a year and have to reconcile myself with the fact that unless I do something about getting some further education - which would hopefully lead to a better paying career/job - this is going to be as good as it gets for me. Oh there I go being dramatic again but seriously, unless I get off my scared, lazy ass, this is it. Oh maybe I don't necessarily need more school but I do need the desire to find better and it just isn't there right now. I may rail against the job but it's a job that I've managed to hang on to for over 3 years now and it has some perks (did I mention I'm thinking of making the trip to Amsterdam an annual New Year's Eve thing? Who's with me this year besides Diane?)

The crazy thing is that I really don't need to be making gobs of money. I've become accustomed to living on a smaller income. And you know what? I actually like my life. I'm not bogged down with material possessions. I have what I need with a tiny bit leftover for fun.

But lately, I've become enamored with the idea of settling down and getting my own house and that's gonna cost money. And I'm terrible with money. I admit it. I'm nuts to even think about getting a house of my own but oh the desire is strong. After having moved around so many fucking times in my life, I want to settle down and have a place of my very own. As long as I'm going to stay in MN, well then, why not? I just need to practice discipline. Fiscal discipline.

Renting from someone is so easy, renting from the fabulous is so easy. I can afford this life.

I guess I have the winter to think about what's next for me as the spring will bring about the fabulous putting the house on the market. (I would consider it but it's too much house for one person and I'd prefer something with less levels and in St. Paul.) I know the housing market is great right now and I'll just have to leave it up to the fates as to how it all plays out the next few months. In the meantime, I finally mustered up the courage to run my credit reports. And I'll be focusing on paying off some more bills as best I can -or at least making payments on them.

All that and still trying to live a balanced life. Ha!

You know it's a Friday night and wow, already after midnight. How'd that happen? Oh yeah, I took a nap earlier this evening. Maybe I should have gotten motivated and rung up friends to see what they were doing but nope. I wanted some me time this weekend. Back to the grind tomorrow. Not that I mind starting my work week on a Saturday. I kinda like it.

Well so I guess I will just stop here for tonight. G'night.

And all is well with the world

Happy Saturday to me. Slept to the ungodly time of 2:30pm. Then again, I was up until about 4:30am last night.

After work, I stopped by B's work to talk with him. And you know what? It was so damn good to see him. I had actually called him earlier in the day...with butterflies in my stomach because I wasn't sure what he was going to say. But it was like the "break" hadn't happened. He never did get the email (or do I believe that he never did? Or was he really just playing dumb when he called me last week?) Whatever, I suppose in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter in the end. We had 2 weeks of no contact which still gave us time to appreciate each other and be sure we wanted to be together.

I was able to express to him, in person, some of my frustrations and ask again for some things I need (you know as I write this bit, it occurs to me that this is all very one-sided and about ME isn't it?) and talk about how we can continue to make this work considering how crazy his schedule is. And we just hung out and talked while he worked and it felt good to just connect with him.

He just makes me so damn happy when we're together (it's NOT seeing him that drives me over the edge into drama-land but that's on me to work on that.) I'm so crazy about him -even when he's pissing me off. I don't think I'm going to forget that we will need to keep working at it but he's committed and so am I.

Oh just more passive-aggressive behaviour on my part

(And yes, I'm using the English (as in UK) spelling version of "behaviour"! Deal with it computer!)

What a long day it has been. I've had the hangovers of hangovers and was a very very bad girl and called in sick to work again. The thing is that at 11:45am...which is around the time I leave for work, I was still kinda drunk and I just didn't feel it was in my best interest to make that drive. So there.

The hangover was the result of more than a few (!) Blatz beers being consumed last night at an annual event hosted by Ryan's roommate, Mark (Blatz). I hadn't attended a "BlatzFest" before but had heard stories. It was a great night with only a couple of moments of high drama. I admit I have a crush on Mark ...but managed to mostly behave -even after finding out that he had just broken up with his girlfriend. When I left there were still 7 people standing and that was around 3 a.m. (see I really had the best intentions of going home and crashing out for a few hours before going to work...but then having to get up every fucking hour to pee did NOT help)

So guess what I did during the evening? Yup. Drunk dialing has got to be considered as bad as drunk driving. People should have to turn in their keys AND their phones (oh to think about those days when we didn't have cell phones...)

I was a coherent, not sloppy (or so I'm choosing to believe! :P) drunk and remember most of what I said in the message I left...I hoped he got my email but also that I was IN. Because I love him. And I know he really tries. And that I hoped to talk to him soon.

Now whether or not he gets this message will remain to be seen. See, he's got 2 cell phones for work and on the one of them I can call him in the middle of night whenever I'm out having a late night. So I called it. But I don't know how often he checks it.

Not quite sure why I've yet again told him something important in an indirect way. The email, now this? The way I've handled this whole break thing. But maybe I won't be so hard on myself because it's not like I didn't talk to him about my frustrations, more than once.

The fair is FINALLY over for another fucking year. But crap, now I'm getting nervous. Do I call him first or just wait? What if he did read the email and has decided that he really should do the honorable thing and let me go? Or what if he's decided that he's going to find better ways to deal with his schedule and we do keep on keepin' on. How will this time apart have affected us? Or will it not have changed anything? Or...or...or...

It really boils down to -for me -that I've got this man who is in my life who loves me and totally accepts me for who I am. But I'm also going to have to keep focusing on making MY life better for me. I guess I'll have to hope that we continue talking and he tries harder and I ease up a bit. Ah, relationships. Sigh. They take work but they should be fun too right?

Now to crash because I still have work tomorrow and no excuse not to go. Better not fuck up the work thing. My manager thinks we'll be finding out around the middle of the month who's qualified for the trip...and I'm just trying not to think about it too much.

Either Way It's Pissing Me Off

So he called today. I didn't pick up. I let it go to voice mail (but even then there was only a 75% chance he'd actually leave one but lo and behold, he did!) ...his message was the usual "...Hi, it's me. Just calling to say Hi. It's about 4pm and I'm at work. Give me a call when you have a chance..."

So either he's not gotten around to reading the email (which wouldn't necessarily surprise me...I usually have to tell him that I've sent him an email...so maybe it was not the wisest idea to tell him I wanted the break via email...) or he's playing dumb. If it's the former, well, I guess I'm the idiot for thinking that that was the way to handle this knowing he doesn't just sit around waiting for my emails and if it's the latter...well I'm just going to be royally pissed about the fact that he has not called me in over a week.

I guess if he truly hasn't gotten around to reading the email, well, hopefully he'll get around to it when he doesn't hear back from me this week. And then we'll see if he calls again or does indeed wait until after the fair is over.

Grrrr.

I've been doing really well at displaying self-control in the moments I have a strong urge to call him. I do miss him. Miss knowing he's there in my life, even if lately he's not really been there as much as he used to be.

Sigh. I've yet to know what I want going forward. I guess I'll just have to keep doing the wait and see thing won't I? See what he has to say and how I feel next week.

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Another weekend draws to a close. Kept it a pretty mellow weekend. Just caught up on all sorts of TV shows ...Top Chef, MasterChef, Drop Dead Diva, Covert Affairs, White Collar, Royal Pains...and now back to work tomorrow. Yay. Not. But it does keep me from being bored doesn't it?

Nighty night.

It's almost been a week

Since I talked to B and I'm actually doing OK. I think. I might just be suppressing emotions or something ...in order not to send myself down some depressed hole.

Or maybe it's just that I've had a lot going on -enough to keep me distracted. Last Thursday Ryan took me out for a burger and some great conversation. Then there was work Friday. Saturday night saw me at the party Irma was throwing for Matt. Nice party. Nice people.

Sunday more work and then a nice long chat via the phone with Diane. She was kind enough to let me beg off of a breakfast meet we had scheduled for Monday morning (I loathe getting any up earlier than I have to and will only do it if absolutely, positively necessary. I've really gotten spoiled working the hours I do and living the life I have...hey, you know what? That's a good thing!)

Monday, last night...more work and then after getting off early, hanging out and talking with Michelle -a co-worker has turned into my closest co-worker/friend. It's wild that we've connected as well as we have considering she's married and has 3 kids. I really had convinced myself that I wouldn't have anything in common with those-who-have-the-complete-opposite-life-than-mine but it's work that created a bond that has grown. I think it's great for both of us to have this additional adult female friend we've found in each other.

And now tonight...Tuesday, my Friday...woo hoo!

I've now got 2 days of freedom ahead of me. I hope I'll be able to keep myself...distracted enough that I don't obsess over what will happen next with him. Another week of thinking about him a million times. Another week of trying to decide what I want, don't want and/or can live with or refuse to live with anymore.

Oh let's go back to something work related...today, August 31st was the last day of qualifying activity that will determine who is going to be on the final "Summit/Pinnacle" list ...you know, the one that ROCKS because if you are on it, you get an all-expense week trip at a fabulous destination (this year, Atlantis in the Bahamas.) I had some pretty decent sales this month along with the other things, I may actually have a shot again. It didn't look good as of July 10th. I was number 11...and it's only the top 10 but my manager thinks it will all play out differently than everyone thinks. There were all sorts of criteria besides sales that they're using to determine who goes. I did OK on most of them too so who knows. Now it's just a matter of "wait and see". Oh sure I want it to have made it...BAD. But if I didn't, well, oh well. I can always try again next year. (If I stick it out for another year..who knows..I might actually follow up on my interest in finding some job I like in the food industry that doesn't involve cooking or serving! :P )

So where was I? Oh yeah, the 1st week of the "break".

I'm trying to get a feel of life without him ...then again, we could always just try being only friends who keep in touch via the occasional phone call and not see each other (our chemistry is still quite powerful even after all of these years) but again, I'll just have to wait and see what he has to say next week and see how I feel about it all then.

OK...enough for tonight. Time to pee and then think about settling down and getting some much desired sleep (and oh how I'm going to enjoy sleeping my ass off tomorrow...I've been staying up way too late this week goofing around on the computer...)

Onward. Just...onward.