Post started writing last night...
Fuck.
Yeah, that's the title of this post.
Indulge me a little. I've got to write about this.
Ever since my last Dr. appointment where I was told I had gained almost 2 lbs since the last time I was weighed has really fucked me up.
I'm beating myself up and saying "fuck it" to even attempting to eat better, drink more water and don't even get me started on how little I am motivated to join the Y and start swimming.
While yes, portion sizes and lack of activity are probably the reasons why the gain but what about the fact that I gave up fucking soda? And I love an ice cold coke or mountain dew.
And I eat more whole grains and healthier snacks.
It feels like those things don't count ...it's all in vain.
Shit. I'm back to being obsessed with my weight and "not dieting dieting" and I am just not feelin' any love toward my body right now.
I hate the way I look in clothes because my stomach area has gotten so ...big. (Uh, that is why...there is no other reason.) and I don't feel ...sexy or confident in my skin.
So what am I going to do about it? Bitch and moan but do nothing as usual?
Fuck.
You know...I just realized what got me thinking about this was seeing myself in the picture taken with R & K at K's baby shower last weekend...
I really don't like how big I've gotten. Oh sure, curvy is fine but I am beyond curvy and that really bothers me.
Now please indulge me in a bit more whinging (yes, whinging...I saw this word recently and decided I would add it to the "brit" list of things that I like to say/do...) ...
Why does it have to be so bloody hard to not be fat?
Well, here's a train of thought I just decided to follow....
Learning to love myself lead to losing weight?
“I love you. You are wonderful, exactly as you are right now in this moment. You are a good and wonderful person. I know your beautiful heart. It is challenging for you right now because you are coming up against a growth area for you. Just remember how beautiful you are. You will get through this. Your evolution and growth are assured. I will help you learn how to love yourself.”
(Got this from one of the results of my Google search ....hmmm.)
And this...I should do this...
"See Yourself
This exercise is a powerful way to learn how to love yourself.
Go to a mirror and look into your eyes. Ignore whatever critical thoughts that may arise, and just focus on your eyes. Really look inside that person you see reflected there. Keep looking until you can see your tender beautiful heart."
☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯ ☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯
It's a new day. And it's a Saturday afternoon. Earlier today I went out and had brunch w/this woman KS who I used to work with at the SPCO....
She currently lives in ORF and was here for a visit and wanted to get together. So we did. She is a really nice woman (so nice I wonder what it is she sees in my because I'm not always so nice...)
But/and now I'm not thinking about all of the things I don't like about myself.
It's the weekend and it's mine and mine alone.
I'm thinking about things I should do...laundry, sweep/mop floors, dishes, clean the bathroom and yet all I want to is just chill. And sleep.
And all that stuff I was thinking and feeling last night...well, acknowledging is the first step right?
And I can either do something about it ...and also accept it.
This is the only body I've got and it's within my power to feel better about it.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Being melodramatic or reality?
I just got back from a visit with my parent's.
Visiting them these days is emotionally exhausting and sad and messes me up but I know it's really important that I do. And I need to keep doing it.
(BTW: They were both relieved to hear that I'm choosing to stay inactive vs. disassociating myself.)
Tonight's conversation in the car on the way home once again went down a dark road (that's been when he's dropped little bombs on me like when he said he'd shoot her before he put her in a nursing home!) Tonight Pop was saying that he thinks my mother will be dying within the next couple of years. She won't last another 10-12 years.
I hope he's wrong. Yes, she's a bit down right now...discouraged by her recent and current bout of bursitis. She hasn't been swimming for I don't know how long and that is a big thing for her. But she's holding steady weight-wise and taking her medications...and recently said her blood sugar has gone down significantly so I don't believe that she will be checking out in the next couple of years.
Yet, my mother herself has recently stated that she is spending so much time on her poems and writing because that's what she'll leave behind when she's gone.
So WTF?
I don't know what to think. I don't know if this is them both being melodramatic or it's reality and I'm just in denial...BIG time.
They're both larger than life personalities. People are drawn to them ...their wit, their humor, their love of life and their intelligence. Watching them both fall apart in various ways (Mom physically and emotionally and Pop emotionally) is the hardest thing I've ever had to do so far.
You know what? I need to have a chat with my brother. Find out what the fuck is going on over there. The whole point of him living with them is to help take care of her, of them. (And while I'm at it, I should ask him how he is doing and coping with all of this.)
While I am off living my life, here is a big part of it that I don't pay attention to very well and now I am feeling so...helpless. Yet I'm also feeling selfish and wishing I didn't have to worry about any of this. I want to live in the times of my mind where my parents are in their 40's (or their 50's) and we were nowhere near having to deal with any of this.
How do people do this?
How do they cope? I know I need to accept that things are changing and will keep changing and I will have to face the realities of their aging and maybe eventual deaths. I guess that is just another part of being a grown up isn't it?
And it fucking sucks.
Visiting them these days is emotionally exhausting and sad and messes me up but I know it's really important that I do. And I need to keep doing it.
(BTW: They were both relieved to hear that I'm choosing to stay inactive vs. disassociating myself.)
Tonight's conversation in the car on the way home once again went down a dark road (that's been when he's dropped little bombs on me like when he said he'd shoot her before he put her in a nursing home!) Tonight Pop was saying that he thinks my mother will be dying within the next couple of years. She won't last another 10-12 years.
I hope he's wrong. Yes, she's a bit down right now...discouraged by her recent and current bout of bursitis. She hasn't been swimming for I don't know how long and that is a big thing for her. But she's holding steady weight-wise and taking her medications...and recently said her blood sugar has gone down significantly so I don't believe that she will be checking out in the next couple of years.
Yet, my mother herself has recently stated that she is spending so much time on her poems and writing because that's what she'll leave behind when she's gone.
So WTF?
I don't know what to think. I don't know if this is them both being melodramatic or it's reality and I'm just in denial...BIG time.
They're both larger than life personalities. People are drawn to them ...their wit, their humor, their love of life and their intelligence. Watching them both fall apart in various ways (Mom physically and emotionally and Pop emotionally) is the hardest thing I've ever had to do so far.
You know what? I need to have a chat with my brother. Find out what the fuck is going on over there. The whole point of him living with them is to help take care of her, of them. (And while I'm at it, I should ask him how he is doing and coping with all of this.)
While I am off living my life, here is a big part of it that I don't pay attention to very well and now I am feeling so...helpless. Yet I'm also feeling selfish and wishing I didn't have to worry about any of this. I want to live in the times of my mind where my parents are in their 40's (or their 50's) and we were nowhere near having to deal with any of this.
How do people do this?
How do they cope? I know I need to accept that things are changing and will keep changing and I will have to face the realities of their aging and maybe eventual deaths. I guess that is just another part of being a grown up isn't it?
And it fucking sucks.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Saturdays = My Day To ...
I was so torn today between my desire to stay home, in my pj's, doing
whatever the hell I wanted (or didn't want to do) and my desire to
spend more time with I. She invited me to join her and the family at the
Irish Fair.
I had dinner last night with her, her husband and daughter and then after dinner he took P home and I and came back here to hang out and catch up.
She was here until a little after one. It turns out we had a LOT to catch up on. And it was one of the best nights I've had in a long time. Then again, whenever I spend time with great people, I always have a good time. (I wonder if I need to think about the fact that I now think that I had such a good time because I got to talk about myself for part of the evening?)
So yeah...I had a chance to hang out with them and I opted not to.
WTF?
Man. Do I really hate wearing a bra that much??
It can't just be that...seriously, it can't.
I had dinner last night with her, her husband and daughter and then after dinner he took P home and I and came back here to hang out and catch up.
She was here until a little after one. It turns out we had a LOT to catch up on. And it was one of the best nights I've had in a long time. Then again, whenever I spend time with great people, I always have a good time. (I wonder if I need to think about the fact that I now think that I had such a good time because I got to talk about myself for part of the evening?)
So yeah...I had a chance to hang out with them and I opted not to.
WTF?
Man. Do I really hate wearing a bra that much??
It can't just be that...seriously, it can't.
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Parents and children
Well, that's a loaded title 'eh?
Small dramas with my parent's in the past month or so...
It probably wouldn't hurt to do a Google search on "Aging parents with some health issues" ...
I went over for a visit the weekend prior to my birthday ...brought some laundry and gave mom a foot massage.
During the visit, conversation came up and led to my telling her that it had been observed that my becoming inactive in the religion vs. disassociating myself was the...cowardly thing to do.
Days later I get a card and a letter from my mom that made me go WTF? (but also "oh geez" and *sigh*) ...she wants me to decide if I'm going to "fish or cut bait" (seriously, that's what she said) and going to step up and disassociate myself from the religion. And if I do that, then we won't have a relationship...and it would be OK if I didn't step up...things can continue the way they are.
WTF.
Well, that's what I got out of it and I've only read it once. I don't know if I want to read it again.
Then my mother calls me the other day and I let it go to voice mail since I'm getting ready to leave for work ...she leaves a message just telling me that she loves me and misses me.
WTF.
Then she calls me again...leaves another message and then is calling again and I pick it up this time. She's crying and in pain. Feeling pain in her arm. She went to a doctor and it wasn't a blood clot or anything serious but she was miserable. And she's in Rochester for the convention and she's alone, having sent Pop off to listen to talks and such. And she's telling me that she was so happy to be talking to me because I had a way of calming her down.
WTF?
And she's telling me that Pop takes such good care of her. (Uh, hmm, I guess that explains a lot about how I love it when others take care of me.) And she's telling me how much she loves me.
*sigh*
And oh by the way, did I mention she thinks Pop is displaying signs of Alzheimer's ...both of his parent's had it ...
(Google search ...signs of Alzheimer's... :( )
WTF?
Man. Reality Bites.
I tried to reach her the next day to see how she was doing but only got her voice mail. She called back and I missed the call...she left a message that she was feeling better. Well thank god for that.
On a happier note, it's the birthday of a very special little girl...another Leo who loves a certain person as much as I do. And having had a wonderful birthday ...month, it makes me reflect on how great it is when you have someone in your life who loves you completely and all of the good things in life and the things to be thankful for.
Small dramas with my parent's in the past month or so...
It probably wouldn't hurt to do a Google search on "Aging parents with some health issues" ...
I went over for a visit the weekend prior to my birthday ...brought some laundry and gave mom a foot massage.
During the visit, conversation came up and led to my telling her that it had been observed that my becoming inactive in the religion vs. disassociating myself was the...cowardly thing to do.
Days later I get a card and a letter from my mom that made me go WTF? (but also "oh geez" and *sigh*) ...she wants me to decide if I'm going to "fish or cut bait" (seriously, that's what she said) and going to step up and disassociate myself from the religion. And if I do that, then we won't have a relationship...and it would be OK if I didn't step up...things can continue the way they are.
WTF.
Well, that's what I got out of it and I've only read it once. I don't know if I want to read it again.
Then my mother calls me the other day and I let it go to voice mail since I'm getting ready to leave for work ...she leaves a message just telling me that she loves me and misses me.
WTF.
Then she calls me again...leaves another message and then is calling again and I pick it up this time. She's crying and in pain. Feeling pain in her arm. She went to a doctor and it wasn't a blood clot or anything serious but she was miserable. And she's in Rochester for the convention and she's alone, having sent Pop off to listen to talks and such. And she's telling me that she was so happy to be talking to me because I had a way of calming her down.
WTF?
And she's telling me that Pop takes such good care of her. (Uh, hmm, I guess that explains a lot about how I love it when others take care of me.) And she's telling me how much she loves me.
*sigh*
And oh by the way, did I mention she thinks Pop is displaying signs of Alzheimer's ...both of his parent's had it ...
(Google search ...signs of Alzheimer's... :( )
WTF?
Man. Reality Bites.
I tried to reach her the next day to see how she was doing but only got her voice mail. She called back and I missed the call...she left a message that she was feeling better. Well thank god for that.
On a happier note, it's the birthday of a very special little girl...another Leo who loves a certain person as much as I do. And having had a wonderful birthday ...month, it makes me reflect on how great it is when you have someone in your life who loves you completely and all of the good things in life and the things to be thankful for.
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She'll be 2 years in 2 months! Time flies!