And now October is almost over

Sign Language for this week. And OMG. Totally true.

Leo(July 23-Aug. 22) Despite your love of luxury, most Leos deal with poverty pretty well. Unlike your sensual Taurean cousins, who get frustrated when things aren’t top-quality, Leos really only need a few special things in their lives; the rest can be rather plain, cheap, or ordinary. This ability to make do with less will serve you well this week and in the coming months, but make sure you don’t deprive yourself completely. Selectively pamper yourself here and there, without breaking the bank. Indulging yourself in one or two vital ways is the key to being happy with everything else.

☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡

Another weekend of the usual. Sleeping in, having breakfast/coffee/a cigarette and then hours spent wasting time playing around with my FB games. Waiting for the phone to ring to see if it might be tonight that I have a date with my sweetie.

Actually I've not been completely useless. Yesterday I was able to figure out what health insurance benefits to have for next year and did my sign up.

Today, laundry. Well, a load was put in the washer anyway. Suppose I ought to go and put it in the dryer now...or at least at some point soon. And I also finally called and made an appointment for the dentist. Actually that feels like BIG accomplishment. Go "Sam"!

It's been a rough month in terms of being motivated get a lot done, let alone get to work. Everyday is a struggle to get up and go out and about. Do I maybe need to increase the dosage of my happy pill? Go back into therapy? I don't know. Maybe it's just the changing of the season. It's getting colder. (Oh wait, another task accomplished this week was getting out the sweaters and warmer clothes for easy access and pulling out some clothes that I would like to donate to a shelter for women.)

Anyhoo...just feeling...blah. Not liking that I've taken so much time off of work as I have but unable to resist the temptation. It was almost better when I could NOT be absent. Financially it's killing me...I'm behind on bills and after having had them under control for the last year or so, I don't like this. I just have to force myself to not take so much time off. I have to think about what I want and if I want to more than just survive...exist, and it's gonna take some self-discipline. When I get to work it's not so bad. It's the getting up and going that is so hard. At least with the 2nd shift I don't have to be getting up when it's still dark out.

Well, speaking of that, actually tomorrow I have to get up pretty early. I've agreed to accompany Ryan as he goes house hunting w/his Realtor. I have to be at his house by 8:15am!!! (Now that's what I call friendship/love!) I think it will actually be a good experience for me as I ponder what to do myself when it comes time to changing my living situation...which will eventually change.

While I love the thought of having my own place, a small place to call my very own, the reality of the responsibility of that scares the bejeezus outta me. But I'm oh so tired of moving. I guess I'll see what I learn tomorrow and maybe that will clarify things for me.

☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡

Regardless of seeing B tonight, I really should go take a shower. I tend to get careless when I don't have to be anywhere. It's like, why bother? But I realize I've got to start caring and taking better care of myself and maybe that will help me emotionally. Maybe not.

So OK, I'll go put the clothes in the dryer and take a shower. Come back to this later...

Or maybe not shower yet. But I did put the stuff in the dryer. Re: a shower...the bathroom is so so cold...

I guess just call me Eeyore right now. It feels so completely self-indulgent right now to be so whiny. I know things could be worse. But sometimes I just wish I was living someone else's life. Be a completely different person. Be anyone other than myself.

I've realized lately why I like the yin and yang symbol so much, because I truly am a creature of light and dark. My light side comes out when I'm with other people, or at work and when I'm at home, it's all dark baby. There is no gray. Just simply the light and the dark. I like the definition that Wikipedia gives..."Yin yang are complementary opposites within a greater whole. Everything has both yin and yang aspects, although yin or yang elements may manifest more strongly in different objects or at different times. Yin yang constantly interacts, never existing in absolute stasis."

If I ever get up the guts to get a tattoo, that would be what I would get. A nice, clean, small one...

Hmm. Well, I suppose this enough for now. (Aren't you glad you took the time to read this? :P)

And Just Like That It's October

(10/2/10 Note: this is a long one. Get comfortable.)

I'm going to do my darnedest to keep this fairly brief (ha!) because it's almost 1am and I've had waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many nights up being up until 4am (if not later.) I go through phases where I'll be "good" and then I'll fall off the go-to-bed-at-a-halfway-decent-hour wagon.

Ah well. Story of my life. Walking the straight line (feeling and being in control) with going to bed early, my health/eating better, money, responsibility, etc. and then I go and take a detour. Am I just looking for some excitement? Even if it's not the healthiest of excitement? Maybe a little.

It was a good weekend. Got to just hang with myself on Wednesday (yup, naughty girl took another (pre-arranged in advance) unpaid day off, but more on work later), then Thursday had a date w/B. And we had an excellent time. It's amazing what communication does for a relationship 'eh? I was actually having a moment of "wow, here I have this man who loves me and knows pretty much everything about me." My battles w/depression, my poor credit, the fact that I'm not tall enough to play professional basketball...(he's so corny, he teases me that that is my only flaw!) and I think I had some stupid, naive idea that a person had to NOT deal with any of that before they could be loved by someone. Isn't that just silly? You don't deserve love if you have bad credit? Or you take a anti-depressant? Whatever "Sam". Oh you naive but jaded and cynical fool. (And let's not forget life is not a book or movie or TV show...)

Then today, off to the Renaissance Festival for the first time (I'm really not going to count the one other time I went, when I was 7, since today it felt like I'd never been there before...then again a lot could have changed in about 33 years!) It seemed like a sign that I should go when I read that they were 1. open on a Friday and 2. letting people in for free who also turned 40 this year. How could I resist? Ryan came with, along w/his cousin Justin and his wife Carla.

It was a good time. I probably shouldn't have gone from a financial standpoint but I haven't done anything like this in ages. I managed to stay fairly close to my budget of $40 -spent just under $50 and what did I get for that you ask? (Or maybe you don't care, but I'm gonna tell ya anyway! :P) A tarot card reading (and more on this later too), a henna tattoo of the yin-yang symbol, a lotion candle (what a brilliant idea!), a sandwich, a couple of beers and ...? Nope that's it. Ouch. Looking at this list, it doesn't seem like a lot and/or I paid way too much for stuff but...meh. What can I do now about it? Nothing.

My brother is going to do my oil change for me tomorrow morning (hence another reason to get my ass to bed soon!) and that'll save me money. But seriously, I need to figure out my financial shit and now. The fabulous is going to let me try out something starting in November ...I'll just pay her some money every paycheck...spread it out...I really don't know why I do not possess the will-power to just leave money alone in my account. So, we'll see how this works.

Anyhoo...the tarot reading. (I knew a little bit how they work since I went through a "phase" a few years ago after buying a deck and some books on how to do it...in fact I wonder where that stuff is? When I moved from Grand Ave. to here...what did I do with them???) but I've never had one done before. (Next on the "someday" list; a palm reading!)

I had to make an appointment AND pre-pay (and that wasn't nerve-wracking at all...handing over $25 hard-earned dollars and then having to walk away)...I was told she would do a general read and then I would be able to ask 3 questions. So I spent the next 30-40 minutes in a panic over what (brilliant!) questions to ask.

Finally, it was time. Now the cynical part of me said that it's all a bunch of ...not hooey but really, there will be a 50/50 shot of the person who is doing the reading getting it right because life really is in some ways not that complicated. We all deal with loving our jobs or hating our jobs. Being in a relationship or being single. Etc. You get it.

Anyhoo...so I sit down (on a small, old, rattan/wicker, chair that I'm thankful holds me! :P) and we begin by having my hands held in hers from across the table and my eyes closed. She has me take some deep breaths. When I open my eyes and we let go, she tells me that I have some healing in my hands and that when I touch people I should touch them with intent, to heal.

Whoa. OK. Awesome. My mother would TOTALLY agree....she's been telling me for years that if she had the money, she'd set me up in my own business of foot massages and I'd have to call it "Satin Feet". (Not that I've given her one of those in YEARS, but I do like to work on the back of her neck whenever I'm over there. Apparently we're both susceptible to a dowager's hump of sorts...or either that or that is the only place we keep every single bit of stress and tension we're under!) ...where was I? Oh yeah, the healing touch. So like really cool to hear that, even if it's blowing smoke up my ass.

Moving on...I can't recall the entire conversation (even though it lasted less than 10 minutes) but I did jot down the highlights...

1. Healing from/in my touch.
2. Take care of myself; emotionally, physically, spiritually.
3. Work on loving myself first and foremost
4. I won't be content forever not being married. I want to be married...someday.
5. Not to give up on my dream of living overseas (London calling...) and that I should be at least planning a trip and taking it soon.
6. Need to pursue finding new work. When I started my current job, I didn't mind it but now it's time for me to make a change.

So like all of that, duh! Could apply to anyone right? Or at least 50% of the population.

But still, all good to hear and be reminded of right? Right!

So we saw some cool acts (the guy on the ladder who juggled and walked a tightrope...cool!) ate food, drank beer and just walked around. It really is just one big money sucker though isn't it? But I'm glad I did it. I've been lacking in the "wild adventures" department lately. And while this wasn't the wildest, it sure was an adventure.

...the work thing was interesting. I had my monthly 1 on 1 with my manager last week. That same day, earlier in the day, I also happened to have had a conversation with my former manager (who is pretty cool...between her and my current one, I feel like I've got 2 champions in my corner) and part of what we talked about was how disappointed I was about in not making Summit. How frustrated I was in general with the job. That I was burning out and cranky. They both pointed out, that in reality, I hadn't started the effort for summit from the beginning of the time frame we had to qualify (yeah, but it still sucks since I worked my ass off the latter half of the year when I found out it was even a possibility) and when I expressed my continuing frustrations with the job (man, I sure bitch about my job a lot to EVERYONE don't I? That's going to change) ...they both had the same "pep talk" for me...that I am responsible for my attitude. It's free and who does it benefit? Me. Who gets to benefit if I don't take any of it personally? Me. (Then again, I'm still going to care because that's who I am but I don't have to let it spill over into all aspects of my life, especially those outside of work)

Sure, we have challenges with the technology (understatement of the year!) and some of the people that call but how I choose to react or not react to them is up to me and why should I let other people bring me down? I care and I do my best for most everyone (Though I'm only human and if someone comes at me with an attitude and they're not won over by my instant friendliness and charm, well then fuck 'em, they won't get my best....Oh. This is probably something else I should probably work on? Kill 'em with kindness and all that jazz...right?) All easier said than done. But I did notice that when I went to work the next few days after these conversations, that I felt better. I said good-bye to my piss poor attitude and decided to not let any of it get to me. (Shall we put money on how long before bad-attitude "Sam" is back? :D)

More importantly, we also talked about that next bid around I should try to get into the group sales department. Especially since they're working toward [getting back to?] where one agent handles the group from start to finish. From booking to when they get off the plane after their flights home. And this is like a total fucking DUH!!!! Why haven't I thought about this sooner? Oh yeah. Daytime hours. But they happen to have shifts that start around 10/11am. I can do that. So once again, it comes down to my getting over my stubborn self and being willing to ...change. Become more flexible. Less rigid. Get my ass up before 11am (or 2pm on days off! :D)

While I love being a night owl...wouldn't the trade off be worth it? Evenings free to spend time with B or friends. Or take classes. And have weekends off again? And more importantly, most importantly, having a job that lets me make the best use of my talents in building and maintaining relationships with customers. Currently, it doesn't pay any more than what we make now but the job satisfaction in itself would be worth it. (Yet another reason to start getting my ass used to being in bed before 4 bloody am!) ...Then again, maybe it will pay better if we vote OUT the union at work. (Don't even get me started about how I'm going to decide what to do when it comes time to make the choice between union or non-union that we're gonna have to deal with in probably about a month or so)

Anyhoo. It also means, doing my job, the current job and NOT slip-sliding back into bad habits...calling in sick when I'm really not (then again, with the depression I am susceptible to, it's very easy take the first step on the slippery slope of "why bother, everything is SO hard") I am in control of my choices and I LIKE having choices and not having them taken away from me. Granted, this job is stressful and draining...oh so draining. (And what's up w/dreaming about work? I am obsessed with finding award space for people in them!)

OOOoooh, you know what? I just thought of a great question I should have asked today...just popped into my head right now...what is my purpose in life??? Would have LOVED to hear what she had to say about that! I have been struggling with this question for years but I won't elaborate on this right now because....Ack! It's now after 3am and I better call it quits and...repeat after me...get my ass to bed.

Stay tuned :P and Ciao.