Deep Appreciation (or aka Louis)

Next week will see the 2nd anniversary of the day I decided to end his suffering. January 21st.

He was a true companion.

But I won't go through any of that again.

Brilliant Observation or Thinking Too Hard?

This week I've been on jury duty. A fascinating but boring thing.

Yes, it can be both.

I'm having fun being off of work (but thankfully getting paid!) and getting to know some of my fellow ...what do we call ourselves? fine and upstanding citizens serving our state (government?) but the waiting around is not so fun. Totally boring. I've been resisting the urge to bring the laptop because I haven't wanted to carry it but I think I just may have to bring it tomorrow. (Just think, hours and hours of playing FarmVille 2....hmmm.) Maybe. I'm in the middle of a pretty good book so maybe the Kindle will just continue to do. I did load it up with a bunch of books from the library...

But then, the fascinating part comes in because I am finding the whole process interesting. Random strangers selected to potentially aide in someone's defense or conviction? Random strangers having an impact on the outcome for the good or the bad of the good or the bad.

So here it is, Tuesday night and I've just had a slightly ...disturbing thought. I have been "on" earlier hours this week because of the JD (was home by 3:15 this afternoon) and just tonight, just now, I'm thinking about another major reason why I don't like earlier shifts (besides the NOT having to get up so bloody early) and that is that I find having hours and hours to kill in the evening to be depressing. It's only 7:30pm. It's ONLY 7:30pm. And bedtime is hours away (going to bed earlier -tonight anyway - is not gonna happen since I took a nap this afternoon.)

If I had to work an earlier shift, I would be a very unhappy person. I never realized how much my shift was tied into my state of my mind. 

Usually when I've got hours and hours to kill in the evening all I can think about is that I feel is loneliness. Loneliness and boredom.

Hmm.

Right now, emotionally/mentally, my life is going pretty well. With the later shift, I get home too late for most weeknight activities and therefore it's an automatic reason to not feel bad (in my head that's how it goes) and I have the perfect excuse for not being sociable during the week. I get home and there's only time for a little bit of playing around online, some late dinner and then bed.

If I ever was to have a permanent earlier shift ...the thought is so terrible, I can barely stand to think about it. I think that is one of the reasons I was so unhappy in jobs past (prior to the SPCO.) and why I've been feeling better emotionally the last few years. Working 2nd shift, working weekends and now working a later M-F shift ...all mean I'm at least working instead of being by myself, during time I consider to be "prime time" when I imagine people are hanging out with their friends and/or loved ones and dwelling on the lack of a life I have.

So that begs the deeper question...is it healthy to think this way? Am I just putting a band-aid on a big, gaping wound? Is it ..wrong of me to want to live my life the way I live it which includes structuring it so that I rarely have to think about the choices I've made that have me, alone most of the time?

(What I do think is that I think I would have to have cable and become addicted to TV again :P)

So now time to turn it around and think about the good things about this life I've chosen to live. Time to focus on the the positive.

I like my life. I really do like my life. I like that I don't feel that crushing loneliness like I used to.

I like that I do what I want, when I want and that includes the occasional get together with friends (spent Friday night w/R & K and had a great time just hanging out and catching up) and the occasional surprise of getting together with an old friend. People from the past. 

I had brunch with RJ this past Sunday. Have I ever mentioned him? He was a fairly close friend -in fact I'm embarrassed to say that I should have included him in that post about the men I've had close friendships with (OK, I confess I just went to go find that post to see if I did mention him in it and I can't find the damn thing and I'm not going to spend all night looking for it. The perfectionist in me is just going to have to live with the uncertainty and know that I may be repeating something you've already read about.)

I took the bus over to Minneapolis and met up with him at a place called Muddy Waters. (Hot coffee in a glass and so-so Poutine (fries with cheese curds and gravy.))

I met him through Scott ...and it was ...shit, I can't remember....I want to say about 15 years ago. They met when Scott was in "Assassins" at the History Theatre. Also gay. He was one of the many "fags" this fag hag was spending time with in my 20's. (Gawd, that was so long ago!)

I don't remember why we drifted apart exactly but I do recall that it had something to do with my dwelling in the past too much...or something like that?

Is that right? And what the fuck?

I don't remember. And now it's not important.

We reconnected -via Words With Friends (a scrabble type game on FB) and it's the beginning of what I hope is a good friendship (again.)

He's someone that was in my life when I was ...living it. Really living it.

And I have mentioned that I'll hopefully be getting together with my friend J the weekend after next?

Another old friend who I'd lost touch with.

A friend who told me that she was diagnosed with MS this past spring. (WTF?!!!)

And then there is the plan to have a sleepover with a couple of other old friends -though still waiting on confirmation from one of them....(yes, D, I'm talking about you now that I know you still read this!)

That should be a fun evening if it actually happens. Listening to some 80's music and spending time reminiscing about when life was a lot simpler.

Ah, old friends. People who knew you when you were still trying to figure out who you are. People that you shared life-changing (or stupid depending on how you look at it) experiences with.

I think I've mentioned before that I have ...blocked ...a lot of the past out. It's been necessary to do some blocking because there's no point to dwelling on mistakes and bad things that have happened but sadly, I've also blocked out some really great memories too.

And where do you ...go...when you reconnect with old friends? Do you find out if you have anything in common? Do you find out if the other person is happy and if the life they live is fulfilling? Do you only talk about the past or can you bring that past into the future and build a new friendship out of the old?

I've met so many awesome people in my life and getting an opportunity to put them back in the picture is a gift. (It also means I didn't fuck things up beyond repair.)

So this is how it feels to be in a good mood!!

It feels like it's been forever.

And let the appreciation commence

I hung out a bit with the "gang" (the neighbors in the building that I've gotten friendly with ...the couples.) and I am going to observe them. I find other couples fascinating. I think it will be helpful for me to pay attention to others for a change.

Ha!

I mean, geez, did I really just type that?

We'll see if this post ever gets published is all I'm saying.

bad daughter?

Have I mentioned that my parent's can be impulsive people (so THAT'S where I get that from too! To think about the things about us that we got from the people that raised us is 'nother topic for 'nother day...maybe.)

Anyway...in light of my mother's health problems -oh actually both of their health problems -Pop's got a hernia (that he's waiting to get surgery on until he's got health insurance again (in April he turns 65 and becomes eligible for ...Medicare)) -they've decided that they're going to move back to a 2 bedroom apartment and this time get permission to have my brother live with them to help take care of them. (They live in a 55+ building that doesn't allow anyone under 55 to live there -not even with those who are. (This involves getting a note from my mother's doctor that says it's medically necessary for my brother to live there, as a live in aid to help my Pop out in taking care of her.))

And all I can feel is a BIG load of ...relief. That he's been picked to help take care of them instead of me. (It helps that he's also attending meetings.)

And THAT has got to be the most selfish thought I've ever had in my life (and I've had a LOT.)

And they're all moving forward with this -with moving apartments and my brother giving up his apartment and breaking the lease. And they're aiming for February. As in like 3 or so weeks away!

And then what also blows my mind ...actually what I envy, is that my mother has found the kind of love that includes someone taking care of her. Someone to love her so much they're sticking around.

I'm a bit envious of that right now as for some reason my back has decided to say "fuck you for not keeping up with your excercises/physical activity" and is acting up and it's one of those times I wish I had someone taking care of me.

I know I'm not really a bad daughter. My mother even said that there are things I can do for them that Jason can't (computer/internet stuff apparently counts.)

So I'll take it and do what I can, where and when I can.

And it's time to remember that there was a reason PT helped. Because it was getting me off my butt. I was staying active. The exercises prescribed kept the pain down to a minimum.

Fuck. 

Why does it have to come in fits and starts -the desire to stay active? Why can't it just be a constant thing? Maybe it's time to do some Google reading on being active (or I could get off my butt and do some of the easier exercises to get my body moving couldn't I??)

It's a new year and I do like the idea of fresh starts. Time to think about some goals.

2013 - a new year.

I was initially kind of dreading New Year's Eve. I'm always sad because I can't kiss the person I want to at midnight (maybe someday I'll get over that.)

But this year, it was good. And this post will be about the reason it was good. It will be about a friend I have that I've never mentioned before.

Once upon a time (OK, back in '05) I met this woman riding the bus and we became friends. (She was also a BBW and liked my messenger bag with the Venus logo on it.) Her name was Margaret.

Around this time frame in my life I was reading a lot of Anne Rice, including her little known novel, "Exit to Eden".

This was really my first introduction to the alternative lifestyle of BDSM. Great book (well, she's a good writer in general too.)  I was intrigued and curious and thought OK. Different strokes (ha ha) for different folks.

It turns out that Margaret was married and that was their thing.

My questions and interest led to her thinking I should talk with her friend M. He was a Dom but interested in being a Sub.

You know, it just occurred to me that this post might be about things I wouldn't normally share here. Lest I shock anyone ...but fuck it. This is ME. I have to keep on being really truly me and not feel defensive or apologetic. I can't have these ...things happen in my life and not share them. And I'm fairly sure my mother isn't reading this. (I copied the letter to her onto a separate document for her to read when I was at their place last Sunday.)

OK, so where was I?

M and I talked on the phone and emailed for weeks -he lived in WI at the time. He's a librarian and had been able to recommended reading on the topic of dominance and submission from the female's point of view aka being a mistress. And I read all of it.

I thought it all sounded good. Being able to be fully in control and explore that side of myself.

Now of course sometimes reading about something is completely different from experiencing the reality. But then finally the time came when were to meet in person. After having had some intimate, personal and deep conversations, I knew I really liked him as a person and was looking forward to seeing what would happen. Trust is a huge part of any BDSM relationship and I was feeling confident that we'd laid a good foundation down in having gotten to know each other via those phone calls and emails.

(Note: While I was feeling good about him, I was also so nervous before that first time that I wrote up a list of questions/concerns I had about that meeting. That list eventually made it in to a book "To-Do List: From Buying Milk to Finding a Soul Mate, What Our Lists Reveal About Us"  - by Sasha Cagen ... Is that like the coolest thing ever?!)

I'll not go into all the details but suffice it to say that it turns out that I really wasn't ready or willing to be a Mistress. But it did lead to him being another man who I would know for years. No romantic relationship came out of the experience but a real friendship did. Fast forward to today and this was the 4th NYE I spent with him.

He's been living out of town most of the time I've known him but obviously we've been keeping in touch. So this year, he was again in town to visit his Dad for the holidays, and so like other years,  it's now officially become a regular thing to hang out with him on NYE. We would have hung out last year too but he cancelled because he picked up a bad cold. The year before that -don't remember why we didn't get together, but the year before THAT was the year I chose going to Amsterdam instead (as  I was teasingly reminded.) 

While I was initially wishy-washy on him (even tried to reschedule at the last minute,) it turns out that I'm glad we hung out. It was great to see him. He was good company. I commented to him that he seemed ...lighter and I really meant it. He seemed happier and more relaxed than I remember him being. Being in his forties agrees with him.

During conversation and telling him about some of the latest "new" friends I'd made, this topic came up - because of that experience with DD. That was kind of his thing. (I did mention that...right?)

One of the reasons I like him is that I can talk to him about anything. (God, what a gift that is.) It's always been easy to talk to him about whatever. He makes me feel very safe and comfortable in this friendship. And he's got a gift with the sarcasm... that isn't mean or cruel. He's funny and intelligent. I won't lie that I was sad that it didn't turn out to be a romantic relationship. (But as that is the way it usually goes with the men I find interesting, I've dealt with it.)

Anyway ...so we ended up talking more about the topic of BDSM and I learned a little bit more about him -him as a Dom. And I'm now kind of wondering if I might want to explore the Sub side of things.

Find someone that I trust and respect who might want to explore this with me.

I think that is one of the joys of being an adult. Being able to try new things as you discover who you are. And I think there is something interesting about someone else being in charge of me and making decisions for me.

Oh sure, there are a lot of elements to it all, including the sexual component, but so far, that all still appeals to me too. I've been spanked. I didn't hate it.

So welcome to 2013. A new year full of new possibilities.