2020 and 6 Years Tomorrow

Tomorrow, it will be 6 years when I woke up to a phone call that she was gone. 

I've been thinking...believing that I'm feeling ...less grief now but that isn't quite right. 

It seems like it was forever ago because of how much has happened since...

And I truly believe that she would still be very happy for me -even with religion the wall between us -she loved me and believed in me. 

She understood about my relationship with B (even as she didn't necessarily approve and wished it was different) because she had her own long-distance love affair and had to go through a divorce to get to her happy ending with the love of her life. (And I want to do what she did...when that day comes...courthouse and then [small] dinner/reception at best friends house (E? He'll have the room!))

I'll check on Pop & J tomorrow. 

And for now - this is all I have to say about it. 

In other news - I got accepted to volunteer with The Trevor Project. 

I'm scared but mostly excited. Training starts on 12/8. 

And...I think I finally have a career path to go down. Medical Administration. (Intake Counselor?) working for smaller/specialized practice/clinic. 

School will be required but it's doable. 

And...OK.

Onward and Upward.

2020 - Yes!

Ever since I hooked up this computer, I'm patting myself on the back because I'm now feeling like there is nothing stopping me from posting. (No excuses anymore.)

I have loved having a blog and now it's time to start documenting my life again with this. 

So...here is the latest thing that inspired me to do this one...I got together w/T last week. It was so awesome. I do love it when my friends are willing to just chill with me, here at home. I love my home. 

(And I won't lie, I'm glad I have a little bit of room to accommodate another person living here!)

She was wearing this perfume oil that I went absolutely bonkers for. I ordered it next day and it just arrived today and I didn't waste anytime putting some on. 

Yup, fucking love it. Love it enough to share w/B and see what he thinks. May replace current one I wear for him. 

And I've become him in that I've got lots of choices now too...but this is my new favorite.

R*ddle. Riddle. Fucking gorgeous scent. I ordered the candle and bigger bottle. 

Anyway...I was reading their page "About" and OMG - very very cool and relatable (for me anyway) and I thought...I need to copy and paste that here. I need to have it "on record" ...to be able to re-read it...so without further ado....

https://riddleoil.com/pages/allow-philosophy

"Allow. Philosophy

Riddle Oil lives by a vision that can be expressed in one word, Allow. We believe in being better, not better than others but better than ourselves. We believe in listening from a place of inspiration, not memory. We believe in clarity, understanding what you want from your life. We believe in loving yourself and betting on who you are with the awareness of what you are. Last but not least, we believe in allowing your life to unfold naturally into your dharma (calling).

Being better than who you were yesterday is the main drive of life. It is important to raise your bar and constantly but peacefully create a better life for yourself.

Listening from a place of inspiration requires stilling the mind and taking time to allow your deepest thoughts and desires to arise. We often live from a place of memory and repetitive thought processes. We leave little time for new sparks of inspiration to come through. Yes, taking time out of your day to meditate is very important but the idea is to make your life a seamless meditation. Practice not responding robotically but from a place of freshness.

“If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath.”  - Amit Ray

Once listening is mastered then clarity can become a way of living. You create a set of principles for yourself that are all the support system for the direction you are walking in your life. Your decisions become beelined to the end result. You stop making decisions that contradict your intended outcome. You are able to use all of your time walking towards the goal and not being distracted by unnecessary side paths.

“It’s a lack of clarity that creates chaos and frustration. Those emotions are poison to any living goal.” – Steve Maraboli

Loving yourself comes from truly accepting that you are here by the sheer miracle of perfect timing, you are much more than you will be able to conceptualize in this lifetime and it is vital to be unapologetically YOU. People are always looking for where they can place their attention. It is up to you to direct the way that you present yourself. If you love yourself, it will show. If you believe in yourself, it will show. Master being confidently humble. You are great, believe it and Allow others to see it.

“When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everyone will respect you.” -Lao Tzu

Now for the sacred art of Allowing. You have learned the importance to desire betterment, to listen, adopt clarity and love yourself. It is time you understand the necessity of allowing your desires to come into your life. It is like the vampire trope, it can’t come in unless invited. Your desires work much in the same way.

Anything you do in life has the potential to be a masterpiece. Whether you are cooking breakfast or painting a mural, you are a creative being by human design. Fulfilling this role will allow you to experience life from a full sensory place, you will invite excitement and exploration to your daily existence.

You can spend your whole life asking for your desires to come true, but this is only the first part of the creation process. Knowing what you want is a HUGE accomplishment that most people spend their whole lives void of, but you must also see the signs once they are presented. Life will hand you people, circumstances, etc. that you must acknowledge as your next step and allow them into your life. Our wishes are not always fulfilled the way we imagine. We must leave room for universal magic and accept that our plans sometimes need a revision. Trust that what you desire is on its way and allow everything along the way to shape it.

We at Riddle Oil live by this Allow philosophy. We believe in what we are offering the world and hope to inspire you to grace the world with your creative offerings. You are capable of anything you can dream of. 

"Everything that exists right now was once imagined, which means everything that will exist is now being imagined. Use your gift of imagination to create your desires." - Wayne Dyer

Xx

"

2020 Drama and now Election Day to boot! This ought to be interesting.

Oh where to begin....well, one of my homework assignments from C (my career coach) is to think about and answer the questions of ...

What do you want to be remembered for? What do I want for my future self? 

Those are really tough questions because I know there needs to be more than just that I was a good person who tried to not hurt others. 

It seems weird to think about those questions as they relate to finding a new job but I have said that because I see myself - living to work vs. working to live -it is important. 

I want whatever I have done to be something I was proud of. I held my head up high and was always honest and did the right thing. I want to be remembered as someone who had integrity, compassion and shared a lot of love with those I care about. 

My future self wants to have a job I still enjoy getting out of bed for every day. I want to have a balanced life between my work and my personal life. I want my future self to be making a difference and still be learning and growing as a woman. 

And...my future self, wants to be a wife and a step-mom. 

and THAT leads me to the drama. 

Shit just got really real.

I won't get into all of the details. The short version is that SHE DID show up here and officially knows about B and I. She knew, but now other people know and THAT is what blew this whole thing up and things will probably, hopefully change now, not later.  Much as it was a nice thought to wait until A was 18, shit happens.  (Interfering, busybody, fucking neighbors is what happened. It really is a small world after all.)

Based on his actions the night things went down and the conversations afterwards, I feel 99.99999% assured that our relationship is NOT over. 

I have been hoping that because of how our relationship has evolved these last couple of years that I wouldn't lose him if he got "caught" but there is still that tiny bit of me that is scared I'll lose him out of his desire to spare his daughter any more pain that she might feel. 

I hate that people I've never met, people in his life, are going to get hurt by this. There is a price to be paid for this selfishness of ours. 

I never wanted to do anything to cause A pain and suffering but I believe she will be better off without parents who are not committed to each other, better off with a father who isn't living a lie anymore. And I can only hope that SHE will find someone who loves only her and her alone. 

I'm going to hope and pray that when we all come out of this to the other side, that we'll all not only survive but thrive. 

I used to be afraid to have a real relationship with him (N's voice in my head "be careful what you wish for") but I'm not afraid anymore. Oh sure I'm nervous and know we have a long way to go before it's real (in his world) but the thought of going through the ups and downs of life with him don't scare me. I've, we've, already been through so much.  

I just need to be patient and supportive of the process. 

In the meantime, I have myself to keep taking care of...I need to find work and get "back to life" ...

I know I've been just coasting along these last few months, not being a productive member of society and I need to remember I'm capable of so much more. 

And...in the new world -once the results of the election between the orange nasty man and Biden, are in, I hope Biden is the winner because we can't go on the way we were. The world, this country will be the better for it when we have a Commander-in-Chief who understands the job and is a whole lot better of a human being than the orange, nasty man.