OK, now where was I?
Oh, that's right. Things I was grateful for in 2012:
6. That while my apartment isn't fancy, it's filled with things I love.
7. That's I've met some cool people in this part of town. That I'm a social person in this town (according to me anyway! :P ) even if it's only to have made new, in person, acquaintances.
8. That I've had a steady supply of ...happy.
9. That I've got some really great co-workers. God, without great people around you at a place you spend a 1/4 of your life at -ugh, don't even want to think about it.
10. That I've had some small adventures.
11. That Ryan and Kari got married. And they're so great together and I'm really happy they found someone who loves them exactly as they are (and I know what that feels like.)
12. I love the remote for my iPod. 2 of the many electronic devices I'm glad were invented.
13. I'm grateful for this ...having this blog. I've finally really realized I do this to hear myself talk.
14. I'm grateful the bus is only a block away. Purposely planned that. That is main criteria for living with/on public transportation. It sometimes takes everything I've got to get up and go to the job I mostly like and knowing I only have a block to go when it's cold out is great.
15. I've been loving that I have so much music on said iPod. I hope my neighbors don't mind the volume I play music. Shit. I wonder
if I should say something ...I've actually been wondering about that. Oooh, good, another subject to Google. ...OK, I'm back. And think it will be a good idea to slip 'em a note -on a happy new year card. Maybe.
And I just moved my iPod boom-box. To the window.
16. cobornsdelivers.com. I love love love that I can have groceries delivered. Again, all part of that living on public transportation thing.
17. internet access in the lobby. Though I feel self-conscious when I'm down there because I'm the only one I've ever seen use it, except for a neighbor, Colleen, once.
18. My phone. I love my phone.
19. Love I have in my life. A love like I've never known before.
And so many many other things.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Letter to Mom Part II/End.
So where were we?
That's right. You were in the hospital. And now you're back home.
I just sent you a text -now that I know you know how. Trust me, it's a good thing. I'll stay in better touch with you if you text. Sorry to say it, but texting has become my favorite way to communicate. I only do it with certain people -the people, the friends I'm closest with in life.
I sometimes wonder what it would be like if I tried to mix the two. I mean, the friends I have at this stage in my life have never met you. And I'm soooo the product of you both.
Anyway -where was I? Oh yeah, the text I sent you ..I told you that I'm happy you survived another hospital stay.
And that I'm not ready to lose you. I'll never be ready to lose you. As much as we're different and we've had our ups and downs, you're ...mommy.
I can't stand the thought of losing you. I get why Pop thinks life would be unbearable without you and I agree 100%. Dammit, I didn't want to cry.
I guess the only good thing to come out of these ...experiences is that I'm reminded I need to be a grateful daughter.
And be grateful for both of you.
OK, enough with that.
You've got another chance to do it right. Or do I mean again. You're smart and this would be a good time to be stubborn. And I could do with the example to eat better and be active. We both have these bodies that challenge us but we cannot let that stop us can we?
I really would love to live closer to you guys ...like a block away. Walking distance basically. Someday maybe.
Anyway, this has gone on long enough and I'll just say that I love you and will say a prayer of thanks.
Kristi
That's right. You were in the hospital. And now you're back home.
I just sent you a text -now that I know you know how. Trust me, it's a good thing. I'll stay in better touch with you if you text. Sorry to say it, but texting has become my favorite way to communicate. I only do it with certain people -the people, the friends I'm closest with in life.
I sometimes wonder what it would be like if I tried to mix the two. I mean, the friends I have at this stage in my life have never met you. And I'm soooo the product of you both.
Anyway -where was I? Oh yeah, the text I sent you ..I told you that I'm happy you survived another hospital stay.
And that I'm not ready to lose you. I'll never be ready to lose you. As much as we're different and we've had our ups and downs, you're ...mommy.
I can't stand the thought of losing you. I get why Pop thinks life would be unbearable without you and I agree 100%. Dammit, I didn't want to cry.
I guess the only good thing to come out of these ...experiences is that I'm reminded I need to be a grateful daughter.
And be grateful for both of you.
OK, enough with that.
You've got another chance to do it right. Or do I mean again. You're smart and this would be a good time to be stubborn. And I could do with the example to eat better and be active. We both have these bodies that challenge us but we cannot let that stop us can we?
I really would love to live closer to you guys ...like a block away. Walking distance basically. Someday maybe.
Anyway, this has gone on long enough and I'll just say that I love you and will say a prayer of thanks.
Kristi
That's Heavy, Man.
Why oh why am feeling so bummed out lately? I'm not remembering of all the things I'm grateful for and only dwelling on the sad.
Hmm. Reflective post due to the approaching new year? Maybe.
Saw SD today. He's started seeing someone. I admit I was dreading this day. Even though I knew we were ever only going to be friends and that feels like something I've been through a millions times over and that's that they ALL end up being only friends, not my love. Starting with my love -a love that really isn't mine.
OK, OK, time to start focusing on the positive - in the form of the things I was grateful for in 2012.
In no particular order:
1. I still have a job that I mostly like.
2. I have a great roof over my head -even if it's out of my price range.
3. I've got really really good friends -the absolute best. (You know who you are.)
4. My mother has survived yet another hospital stay. God. I am so fucking grateful for that. I'm so NOT ready to lose her.
to be continued! Have to finish the letter to her!
Hmm. Reflective post due to the approaching new year? Maybe.
Saw SD today. He's started seeing someone. I admit I was dreading this day. Even though I knew we were ever only going to be friends and that feels like something I've been through a millions times over and that's that they ALL end up being only friends, not my love. Starting with my love -a love that really isn't mine.
OK, OK, time to start focusing on the positive - in the form of the things I was grateful for in 2012.
In no particular order:
1. I still have a job that I mostly like.
2. I have a great roof over my head -even if it's out of my price range.
3. I've got really really good friends -the absolute best. (You know who you are.)
4. My mother has survived yet another hospital stay. God. I am so fucking grateful for that. I'm so NOT ready to lose her.
to be continued! Have to finish the letter to her!
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Letter to Mom
Hi Mom,
You're in the hospital again.
*sigh* (sad and deep.)
Tonight after I got home from seeing you, I had this crazy idea. Since you don't get to read my writing very often I thought I'd write you a letter. For some reason it's important to me that you read MY writing for a change. I want you to read my words and be proud of me. (Oh, I know you're proud of me but I want you to be proud of something outside of my being your daughter.)
It's been a rough year for you. I can't even imagine having to deal with the pain and suffering you've been experiencing.
I find myself wanting to learn everything I can about the latest news -diabetes. I've already started doing some Googling about it. I'm reading encouraging things.
You said tonight that people comment about how they admire your willingness to keep going and I agree with them 100%. I know it's not always easy, but one of the many things I love about you is that you aren't giving up. You have survived so much shit in your life.
You deserve a break and you just don't seem to be getting one do you?
So while I think the rest of this may attempt to focus on appreciating all of the wonderful things you've got in your life, I think it's only fair (and dare I say healthy?) to go ahead and have a good old tantrum and rage against how unfair it is. Especially since you've been working hard on eating better and staying active.
Go ahead. I'll wait. Scream, cry, bitch, whine, moan...wail to the heavens above about how much more do you have to endure. (Um, I guess we could call this your Jobs wife (?) moment because he stayed chill right?)
It's not fair. I'm beyond pissed that all of this is happening to you. You're my mommy. You're my beautiful, interesting, intelligent, young, beautiful mommy. You're far from perfect -like the rest of us -but you're one of the most the fascinating women I've ever known.
So here's some good news about diabetes.
Diabetes is not a death sentence, Far from it. It takes work to know what it's all about and self-discipline to make it something you can live with, but it's totally doable.
I realize, this may end up being just like the congestive heart failure diagnosis and you're going to be tired of hearing about it, thinking about it and talking about it ...but here's the thing. YOU have to learn about it. YOU have to be the one in control of it.
Pop needs your help. He'll need you to say, no, I shouldn't be having this, I should have that instead.
There are so many reasons for you to listen to what your body is trying to tell you. It's just you and it. And it was created as a one of kind. It's the only one you were given.
(to be continued...)
You're in the hospital again.
*sigh* (sad and deep.)
Tonight after I got home from seeing you, I had this crazy idea. Since you don't get to read my writing very often I thought I'd write you a letter. For some reason it's important to me that you read MY writing for a change. I want you to read my words and be proud of me. (Oh, I know you're proud of me but I want you to be proud of something outside of my being your daughter.)
It's been a rough year for you. I can't even imagine having to deal with the pain and suffering you've been experiencing.
I find myself wanting to learn everything I can about the latest news -diabetes. I've already started doing some Googling about it. I'm reading encouraging things.
You said tonight that people comment about how they admire your willingness to keep going and I agree with them 100%. I know it's not always easy, but one of the many things I love about you is that you aren't giving up. You have survived so much shit in your life.
You deserve a break and you just don't seem to be getting one do you?
So while I think the rest of this may attempt to focus on appreciating all of the wonderful things you've got in your life, I think it's only fair (and dare I say healthy?) to go ahead and have a good old tantrum and rage against how unfair it is. Especially since you've been working hard on eating better and staying active.
Go ahead. I'll wait. Scream, cry, bitch, whine, moan...wail to the heavens above about how much more do you have to endure. (Um, I guess we could call this your Jobs wife (?) moment because he stayed chill right?)
It's not fair. I'm beyond pissed that all of this is happening to you. You're my mommy. You're my beautiful, interesting, intelligent, young, beautiful mommy. You're far from perfect -like the rest of us -but you're one of the most the fascinating women I've ever known.
So here's some good news about diabetes.
Diabetes is not a death sentence, Far from it. It takes work to know what it's all about and self-discipline to make it something you can live with, but it's totally doable.
I realize, this may end up being just like the congestive heart failure diagnosis and you're going to be tired of hearing about it, thinking about it and talking about it ...but here's the thing. YOU have to learn about it. YOU have to be the one in control of it.
Pop needs your help. He'll need you to say, no, I shouldn't be having this, I should have that instead.
There are so many reasons for you to listen to what your body is trying to tell you. It's just you and it. And it was created as a one of kind. It's the only one you were given.
(to be continued...)
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Yup, I love living here.
Last night went to a small party hosted by some neighbors on the 4th Floor. I was nervous about going but it was fine. It was great. I got to know some new people and made some new friends (I hope!)
Today's thoughts on the event are related to party (pot-luck) etiquette. I had brought some snacks along with some booze and at the end of the night, I asked if it would be OK if I brought home some of my leftovers. I was told yeah so I did. But today I'm wondering if that was rude or not.
My FB friend request was accepted by the hostess (and a couple of the other attendees) and so I'm hoping that means that they didn't think me rude for asking.
I also didn't take all of my leftovers.
From what I read after my Google search on the topic, I think it was OK, especially since I did ask first.
Anyway, my next thought is that one of the women suggested we make this getting together a regular thing and even recommended a game night downstairs in the lobby.
I'm totally loving that idea but am scared to ask about making it a reality because I wouldn't want to be turned down. ...and why do I fear that? Why am I so afraid of rejection? It hasn't killed me ...yet. I also don't want to appear ...needy or lonely. Though would I?
I may be a bit (!) self-involved but I find other people fascinating, cool and generally awesome. I found my neighbors to be that way. Funny, energetic, sarcastic... and damn interesting.
---
The holidays are here again. And that means special times with special friends. It means lots of good food. It means dreading New Years Eve not being to kiss who I want at Midnight. It means seeing the tree lights making the trees look so pretty.
This year, I won't be exchanging presents with anyone and that's OK. I'm going to be giving out cards though. I've missed giving out cards -sending out cards. In this lovely day and age of FB, email and texting, I just haven't been bothering. Yeah, maybe it shouldn't be around the holidays...it should be whenever I feel like (or at least the birthdays!) but what the hell. I got one from Sarah at work and I thought it was the coolest thing. And there are people I want to let know how much they mean to me.
Today's thoughts on the event are related to party (pot-luck) etiquette. I had brought some snacks along with some booze and at the end of the night, I asked if it would be OK if I brought home some of my leftovers. I was told yeah so I did. But today I'm wondering if that was rude or not.
My FB friend request was accepted by the hostess (and a couple of the other attendees) and so I'm hoping that means that they didn't think me rude for asking.
I also didn't take all of my leftovers.
From what I read after my Google search on the topic, I think it was OK, especially since I did ask first.
Anyway, my next thought is that one of the women suggested we make this getting together a regular thing and even recommended a game night downstairs in the lobby.
I'm totally loving that idea but am scared to ask about making it a reality because I wouldn't want to be turned down. ...and why do I fear that? Why am I so afraid of rejection? It hasn't killed me ...yet. I also don't want to appear ...needy or lonely. Though would I?
I may be a bit (!) self-involved but I find other people fascinating, cool and generally awesome. I found my neighbors to be that way. Funny, energetic, sarcastic... and damn interesting.
---
The holidays are here again. And that means special times with special friends. It means lots of good food. It means dreading New Years Eve not being to kiss who I want at Midnight. It means seeing the tree lights making the trees look so pretty.
This year, I won't be exchanging presents with anyone and that's OK. I'm going to be giving out cards though. I've missed giving out cards -sending out cards. In this lovely day and age of FB, email and texting, I just haven't been bothering. Yeah, maybe it shouldn't be around the holidays...it should be whenever I feel like (or at least the birthdays!) but what the hell. I got one from Sarah at work and I thought it was the coolest thing. And there are people I want to let know how much they mean to me.
Monday, December 10, 2012
Exciting!
Just got my very first summons for jury duty and I'm excited! I love having new things to look forward to ..
Thursday, December 6, 2012
I. Am. So. Tired.
So I met up w/the guy at the Y.
5 days to try.
Swim. Machine.
Sigh.
Swim.
So tired I could die.
OK, that last line is a wee bit melodramatic but honestly, I'm so tired. I swam the first day...afterward ended up taking a 3 hour nap.
Then last night was this sit-down elliptical machine and lifting some little 5 lb weights and then tonight, swimming again.
Feels good to be this kind of tired.
As much as I want to figure out how to make the membership fee work with my budget -with a scholarship I'm looking at only $25 to join and a monthly amount of $39, I think I'm going to have to hold off. I just really shouldn't do this right now. I believe what is in the fitness room in my building is regular elliptical machines and those will just have to do until I can afford the Y.
Time for bed now.
5 days to try.
Swim. Machine.
Sigh.
Swim.
So tired I could die.
OK, that last line is a wee bit melodramatic but honestly, I'm so tired. I swam the first day...afterward ended up taking a 3 hour nap.
Then last night was this sit-down elliptical machine and lifting some little 5 lb weights and then tonight, swimming again.
Feels good to be this kind of tired.
As much as I want to figure out how to make the membership fee work with my budget -with a scholarship I'm looking at only $25 to join and a monthly amount of $39, I think I'm going to have to hold off. I just really shouldn't do this right now. I believe what is in the fitness room in my building is regular elliptical machines and those will just have to do until I can afford the Y.
Time for bed now.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Lower My Expectations or Deep Thoughts.
So I finally think I'm about to take some action for a change.
I got a call from a guy named John at the Y. Have to meet up with them before can start free trial. (I guess that makes sense.)
And I'm really excited about this.... but and actually it's a big BUT how much are we going to talk about health vs. money? I have visions of telling him of the things I've done and are doing (no soda, no fast food, etc.) and how the PT I've had makes me want to do this... and what they've recommended exercise-wise...
In re: to the money....they have scholarships and I really hope I would eligible/get one.
While I'm fucked financially, this would be worth it.
I've also been thinking about asking my neighbors -the ones I've met so far anyway Kyle, Ben, etc. if they might be interested in having a pot-luck party or something. And/or ask the women in the office if there was anything planned for the building. (I only wonder because the last thing they put together wasn't very well attended.)
But what I worry is that there wouldn't be much interest. Or maybe I'm really worried about if there IS! God forbid I have to actually follow-through with something again!
****Note - Kyle came to take Lenny out and am asking what he thinks (he's more sociable than I am!) When he gets back from taking the dog out, we'll chat!
********Note - he came back and gave me a piece of paper w/a time and place and guest list of party they're having with just a few of the neighbors. 14Dec. 8pm. Apparently the plan was in motion. I'm so glad he invited me, though he's not the one hosting it so I'm a little nervous about him inviting me....
(But I don't dare ask the people hosting...1. I don't know if I know/remember them and 2. I would hate for them to say yes out of ...pity.)
***********************OMG! While I love that he invited me, now I'm terrified! It's been so long since I've gone to a party with people I don't know very well. Let's face it, it takes a lot for me to really ...talk less and listen more. Think I better do some more reading and practice with others before then. It's not that I'm not interested. I'm always just racing ahead in my mind to get to the part that I can relate to...OK, let's be honest, the part that relates to ME. Gawd, I am so ...self-involved sometimes. But wait...is that really so wrong? I am my world.
And ....why do I get so scared of changing my life, reaching beyond the comfortable little world I've created for myself in this apartment?
Ooooh, that's a deep thought for tonight. Not sure I'm ready to go that far yet.
I got a call from a guy named John at the Y. Have to meet up with them before can start free trial. (I guess that makes sense.)
And I'm really excited about this.... but and actually it's a big BUT how much are we going to talk about health vs. money? I have visions of telling him of the things I've done and are doing (no soda, no fast food, etc.) and how the PT I've had makes me want to do this... and what they've recommended exercise-wise...
In re: to the money....they have scholarships and I really hope I would eligible/get one.
While I'm fucked financially, this would be worth it.
I've also been thinking about asking my neighbors -the ones I've met so far anyway Kyle, Ben, etc. if they might be interested in having a pot-luck party or something. And/or ask the women in the office if there was anything planned for the building. (I only wonder because the last thing they put together wasn't very well attended.)
But what I worry is that there wouldn't be much interest. Or maybe I'm really worried about if there IS! God forbid I have to actually follow-through with something again!
****Note - Kyle came to take Lenny out and am asking what he thinks (he's more sociable than I am!) When he gets back from taking the dog out, we'll chat!
********Note - he came back and gave me a piece of paper w/a time and place and guest list of party they're having with just a few of the neighbors. 14Dec. 8pm. Apparently the plan was in motion. I'm so glad he invited me, though he's not the one hosting it so I'm a little nervous about him inviting me....
(But I don't dare ask the people hosting...1. I don't know if I know/remember them and 2. I would hate for them to say yes out of ...pity.)
***********************OMG! While I love that he invited me, now I'm terrified! It's been so long since I've gone to a party with people I don't know very well. Let's face it, it takes a lot for me to really ...talk less and listen more. Think I better do some more reading and practice with others before then. It's not that I'm not interested. I'm always just racing ahead in my mind to get to the part that I can relate to...OK, let's be honest, the part that relates to ME. Gawd, I am so ...self-involved sometimes. But wait...is that really so wrong? I am my world.
And ....why do I get so scared of changing my life, reaching beyond the comfortable little world I've created for myself in this apartment?
Ooooh, that's a deep thought for tonight. Not sure I'm ready to go that far yet.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Self-Improvement Time
So in preparation of going back to work tomorrow, I'm doing all sorts of preparation. Everything from preparing the kitchen to be used in making my own breakfasts, lunches and dinners by doing dishes, putting things away, wiping down the counters/stove/oven and then putting together things to put in the lunch bag (though I really do need some baggies...) ...
To doing some Google searches on "listen more, talk less" to help me deal with how I am at work.
And as long as I continue to get better (just down to the "productive" cough stage of being sick) I will get my fucking lazy ass to the Y for the free trial.
I've just taken the first step and preregistered for the free trial.
It's a start anyway.
To doing some Google searches on "listen more, talk less" to help me deal with how I am at work.
And as long as I continue to get better (just down to the "productive" cough stage of being sick) I will get my fucking lazy ass to the Y for the free trial.
I've just taken the first step and preregistered for the free trial.
It's a start anyway.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Blankity Blank Blank
Did you know I have another blog? The one I don't share with anyone? Yup. I call it "Another Side of Me" and it's one I created to have an outlet for all of my "bad" sides. The one that whines. The one that is bitchy. The one who does horrible things. The one who is naughty. I haven't wanted to share those particular sides of myself here. I've been wanting this one to be where I was the witty, intelligent...work in progress. And show myself as a ...interesting, mature, semi-good girl.
But now it's feeling like I'm not being completely honest about all of me. I've got a dark side and why am I trying to hide it? I'm an imperfect, contradictory, sometimes slightly psycho mess.
So let me tell you a little bit about dark "Sam". She doesn't always do the right thing. She doesn't always make the right, responsible choice.
E.g. has been sick but took advantage and took a whole fucking week off of work when it wasn't quite necessary.
E.g. is barely hanging on financially. Well, this maybe isn't news. I've alluded to my money woes before. But I really am in deep shit. I love love my apartment but I bit off more than I could chew in keeping up with the rent.
And then there's my love life. (And I use the word love very loosely!)
I met a guy online and on the 2nd "date" (coffee meet does so count as date #1) had him back to my apartment and there was some naked play time. And this is the 2nd man I've been sexual with, right away, in the course of the past few months. (Not that being sexual is a problem, it's that I'm OK with having multiple partners because I would have been quite happy to have both of these D's in my life and have sex with both of them...not at the same time ...well...hmm, that's a whole 'nother post isn't it? My kinky side) and he's the 2nd man I've met online that I've had ...an adventure with.
The first being SD. I never told you how we met (or did I?) Yup, met him online and we really connected ...(he wrote GREAT emails!) ...and he's a great kisser. Then after we'd had sex 3 times, he sent an email saying not wanting to date...am bigger woman than he usually dates. Call me...not surprised. Takes a special man to appreciate the outer package. I was hurt of course at the time but having been in this situation before, well, let's just say I survived. (Didn't hurt I've got really great friends to remind me that I'm quite desirable thank you very much!)
My choosing to be friends with him...eventually...after the fact was largely based on the fact that we DID have a great connection. And we have a lot of things in common...some shared...interests. Writing, music, weed. Yes, I said it. Weed. As if you haven't known that some of these posts were written while I was in ...another state of mind.
Our hanging out after that ...has included sex. (Call me totally shocked that it even happened in the first place!) So now we're friends ...with occasional benefits. Or at least we were. Until I sent a suggestive email and tried to kick that part of our friendship up a notch. (Gawd, why did I have to use that expression?) Now we don't talk as much. I'm trying to leave him be so I don't "smother" him.
So a couple of weeks ago I think to myself, I need to put myself back out there and meet some new people (this woman has needs!)
So I did. Hello POF (that's plenty of fish for y'all that don't know) and that was a... disaster. Just another bunch of men who are really mostly looking for only one thing. And while I'm looking for that too, I want to be wooed a little first. I want someone who wants to spend a little time getting to know each other before the conversation even turns to sex, let alone to having it. (That I've been not following any of the good girl "rules" and have been giving away the milk for free probably is a whole 'nother topic of conversation that I won't delve into right now.)
There had been another D I had corresponded with the last time I had a profile "up". Nothing ever came of those emails. The one time we were supposed to meet, I chickened out (then again it was around the time that the whole thing with SD went down... the bad part) He found me on POF and after a couple of emails, we finally just agreed to meet up. He was more open this time about his interest in ...shall we just say it? Light (?!) BDSM. (He now shall be referred to as DD.) I had no problem with that.
My initial overall reaction to DD was...favorable. I was hoping he would want to see me again. Though I remember his hands being ...odd. Seriously, it was all I could think about and talk about. (Little did I know those hands would be fucking magic!)
Anyway, we finally got together again this past Friday...a week ago today and while it might have gone tits up because he was late, really late in meeting up with me, I decided to not be a bitch (I had been running late when we met initially) ...and I was really quite intrigued by the thought of really exploring the lighter side of it. (Blindfolds? Being tied up? Light spanking? Hell yeah!) (Uh, it's probably a good thing my mother doesn't read this.)
We had a slice of pizza at Cossetta's, then went across the street to McGoverns for a drink (or two) and more conversation.
Now here is the thing about ...dating. How the hell do you be yourself when you've finally FINALLY become comfortable with who that is? How do you not say too much? How do you not be too honest?
*sigh*
Dating. What a racket. Putting on make-up and putting on the "look at how witty and charming I am, while still being a really cool, open-mined woman" face.
Anyway, I let him give me a ride home and invited him up. I thought in light of his interests, he might enjoy watching "Secretary" ...well, we started watching it and that's when I discovered the magic hands. And then I discovered he was a terrible kisser. At least certainly we were not compatible in that area. (And let's not even talk about the unhappy surprise when I finally saw his equipment. Total opposite of SD. Oh, I didn't mention SD was blessed in that regard? :P )
But we got naked and we played. We didn't go ...all the way ....but that was fine. I was sure it was part of his ..."leave them wanting more" game. (Though he said it was because we didn't know each other very well. At the time, I thought sweet but upon reflection, think stupid because getting naked with someone is also quite an intimate act thank you very much.)
He left about 4 a.m. and I spent the weekend ...wound up.
And I haven't heard from him since. So fuck him of course. But fuck. Though I think I do prefer the disappearing act to the honest email.
I decided to see what other kind of "fish" were out there (get it? he he) and not judge all by the 1 and was chatting with some guy Jay ...who ended up sending me a picture that was giving me a peek of his equipment. Our chat had gotten a bit out of control (how can you have sexy conversations with someone you haven't even met yet??? I just don't get it.)
That was the last straw for me.
So here I am. I took the ad down and am now just back to ...this life. But I also decided again that it really was time to focus on me again. At least start that trial membership at the Y. Get together with friends.
And then I got sick (being punished for my slutty ways?)
The other problem with dating though is that while I may want a relationship unlike what I'm used to ...want a partner in crime to have adventures big and small with, I am not emotionally available. My heart still belongs to another.
Once you get a taste of being loved as yourself, 100% yourself, it's hard to settle for less than that.
I've known love that accepts me, flaws and all. I've known a love that when I'm with that person I feel like I'm "Sam" 2.0. A better version of me. A wittier, sexier version of me. A deep love that, while not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, is real and true.
I also ...really really like MY time. Selfish maybe but I guess that's what happens when you spend years not having to answer to anybody but yourself.
So those are just some of the things I've been not sharing here.
So it's time I stop trying to act like I've got it all together (oh wait, I know I haven't been giving THAT impression!) ...it's time I write about some of the realities.
There are still plenty of things to be thankful for... and I will just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other as I've been doing and not get bogged down in my failures and mistakes.
(Yeah right.)
But now it's feeling like I'm not being completely honest about all of me. I've got a dark side and why am I trying to hide it? I'm an imperfect, contradictory, sometimes slightly psycho mess.
So let me tell you a little bit about dark "Sam". She doesn't always do the right thing. She doesn't always make the right, responsible choice.
E.g. has been sick but took advantage and took a whole fucking week off of work when it wasn't quite necessary.
E.g. is barely hanging on financially. Well, this maybe isn't news. I've alluded to my money woes before. But I really am in deep shit. I love love my apartment but I bit off more than I could chew in keeping up with the rent.
And then there's my love life. (And I use the word love very loosely!)
I met a guy online and on the 2nd "date" (coffee meet does so count as date #1) had him back to my apartment and there was some naked play time. And this is the 2nd man I've been sexual with, right away, in the course of the past few months. (Not that being sexual is a problem, it's that I'm OK with having multiple partners because I would have been quite happy to have both of these D's in my life and have sex with both of them...not at the same time ...well...hmm, that's a whole 'nother post isn't it? My kinky side) and he's the 2nd man I've met online that I've had ...an adventure with.
The first being SD. I never told you how we met (or did I?) Yup, met him online and we really connected ...(he wrote GREAT emails!) ...and he's a great kisser. Then after we'd had sex 3 times, he sent an email saying not wanting to date...am bigger woman than he usually dates. Call me...not surprised. Takes a special man to appreciate the outer package. I was hurt of course at the time but having been in this situation before, well, let's just say I survived. (Didn't hurt I've got really great friends to remind me that I'm quite desirable thank you very much!)
My choosing to be friends with him...eventually...after the fact was largely based on the fact that we DID have a great connection. And we have a lot of things in common...some shared...interests. Writing, music, weed. Yes, I said it. Weed. As if you haven't known that some of these posts were written while I was in ...another state of mind.
Our hanging out after that ...has included sex. (Call me totally shocked that it even happened in the first place!) So now we're friends ...with occasional benefits. Or at least we were. Until I sent a suggestive email and tried to kick that part of our friendship up a notch. (Gawd, why did I have to use that expression?) Now we don't talk as much. I'm trying to leave him be so I don't "smother" him.
So a couple of weeks ago I think to myself, I need to put myself back out there and meet some new people (this woman has needs!)
So I did. Hello POF (that's plenty of fish for y'all that don't know) and that was a... disaster. Just another bunch of men who are really mostly looking for only one thing. And while I'm looking for that too, I want to be wooed a little first. I want someone who wants to spend a little time getting to know each other before the conversation even turns to sex, let alone to having it. (That I've been not following any of the good girl "rules" and have been giving away the milk for free probably is a whole 'nother topic of conversation that I won't delve into right now.)
There had been another D I had corresponded with the last time I had a profile "up". Nothing ever came of those emails. The one time we were supposed to meet, I chickened out (then again it was around the time that the whole thing with SD went down... the bad part) He found me on POF and after a couple of emails, we finally just agreed to meet up. He was more open this time about his interest in ...shall we just say it? Light (?!) BDSM. (He now shall be referred to as DD.) I had no problem with that.
My initial overall reaction to DD was...favorable. I was hoping he would want to see me again. Though I remember his hands being ...odd. Seriously, it was all I could think about and talk about. (Little did I know those hands would be fucking magic!)
Anyway, we finally got together again this past Friday...a week ago today and while it might have gone tits up because he was late, really late in meeting up with me, I decided to not be a bitch (I had been running late when we met initially) ...and I was really quite intrigued by the thought of really exploring the lighter side of it. (Blindfolds? Being tied up? Light spanking? Hell yeah!) (Uh, it's probably a good thing my mother doesn't read this.)
We had a slice of pizza at Cossetta's, then went across the street to McGoverns for a drink (or two) and more conversation.
Now here is the thing about ...dating. How the hell do you be yourself when you've finally FINALLY become comfortable with who that is? How do you not say too much? How do you not be too honest?
*sigh*
Dating. What a racket. Putting on make-up and putting on the "look at how witty and charming I am, while still being a really cool, open-mined woman" face.
Anyway, I let him give me a ride home and invited him up. I thought in light of his interests, he might enjoy watching "Secretary" ...well, we started watching it and that's when I discovered the magic hands. And then I discovered he was a terrible kisser. At least certainly we were not compatible in that area. (And let's not even talk about the unhappy surprise when I finally saw his equipment. Total opposite of SD. Oh, I didn't mention SD was blessed in that regard? :P )
But we got naked and we played. We didn't go ...all the way ....but that was fine. I was sure it was part of his ..."leave them wanting more" game. (Though he said it was because we didn't know each other very well. At the time, I thought sweet but upon reflection, think stupid because getting naked with someone is also quite an intimate act thank you very much.)
He left about 4 a.m. and I spent the weekend ...wound up.
And I haven't heard from him since. So fuck him of course. But fuck. Though I think I do prefer the disappearing act to the honest email.
I decided to see what other kind of "fish" were out there (get it? he he) and not judge all by the 1 and was chatting with some guy Jay ...who ended up sending me a picture that was giving me a peek of his equipment. Our chat had gotten a bit out of control (how can you have sexy conversations with someone you haven't even met yet??? I just don't get it.)
That was the last straw for me.
So here I am. I took the ad down and am now just back to ...this life. But I also decided again that it really was time to focus on me again. At least start that trial membership at the Y. Get together with friends.
And then I got sick (being punished for my slutty ways?)
The other problem with dating though is that while I may want a relationship unlike what I'm used to ...want a partner in crime to have adventures big and small with, I am not emotionally available. My heart still belongs to another.
Once you get a taste of being loved as yourself, 100% yourself, it's hard to settle for less than that.
I've known love that accepts me, flaws and all. I've known a love that when I'm with that person I feel like I'm "Sam" 2.0. A better version of me. A wittier, sexier version of me. A deep love that, while not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, is real and true.
I also ...really really like MY time. Selfish maybe but I guess that's what happens when you spend years not having to answer to anybody but yourself.
So those are just some of the things I've been not sharing here.
So it's time I stop trying to act like I've got it all together (oh wait, I know I haven't been giving THAT impression!) ...it's time I write about some of the realities.
There are still plenty of things to be thankful for... and I will just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other as I've been doing and not get bogged down in my failures and mistakes.
(Yeah right.)
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Making Friends part II
So SD and I hung out on Friday night.
This first time post-wedding. (And he was the one who initiated!)
I was glad I remembered to thank him for being such a great wedding date.
And then I got...nervous. And found myself unable to fully concentrate on the conversation at times.
And then I started to think about that it's really quite something to be getting to know someone else. Finding out if they keep their word in keeping the "date". Finding out what they like on their pizza. Finding out how their sense of humor is. Finding out if they're critical or accepting. Finding out what they like. Finding out where they've lived.
It's making me appreciate my "old" friends in a new way. I know they are worth everything.
While I may come across as a bit self-involved, they're great enough to still like hanging out with me! They're so easy to be with and I can truly be myself. Ryan and Scotty (and yes, B) have definitely made that a reality (Lucky me.)
I hope I'll get there with SD.
This first time post-wedding. (And he was the one who initiated!)
I was glad I remembered to thank him for being such a great wedding date.
And then I got...nervous. And found myself unable to fully concentrate on the conversation at times.
And then I started to think about that it's really quite something to be getting to know someone else. Finding out if they keep their word in keeping the "date". Finding out what they like on their pizza. Finding out how their sense of humor is. Finding out if they're critical or accepting. Finding out what they like. Finding out where they've lived.
It's making me appreciate my "old" friends in a new way. I know they are worth everything.
While I may come across as a bit self-involved, they're great enough to still like hanging out with me! They're so easy to be with and I can truly be myself. Ryan and Scotty (and yes, B) have definitely made that a reality (Lucky me.)
I hope I'll get there with SD.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
A Change Will Do You Good
While maybe that should be the song of the month, I've opted for the one over there ------------- >
I get a kick out of that part of my blog. I wonder if I shouldn't look at some of the new "gadgets" and see if there is anything new and fun out there.... hmmmm, maybe.
A friend of mine recently told me I should ...what was it they said? Cheer up? These posts have been a bit depressing lately. My initial reaction was ...WTF? But they're right. They're always right.
*Sigh*
I've just let so many things go lately and I don't like feeling like I've lost control of my life.
But they're right in that it's probably time to remind myself of how good I've got it.
I've still got a lot of things to be thankful for. So now, the list of things I'm grateful for (in no particular order);
1. A roof over my head...a roof that I love.
2. A job. Talking to others about why I like my job was kinda scary but fun. Scary because I've not been very talkative outside of my job very much lately. Fun in that it was good for me to remind myself of why I do like my job. I like it very much.
3. Good friends ....finally have a date set to watch "Kingpin" with R and K.
4. Hope...a tiny bit of hope....that maybe I can get some assistance in climbing out of the financial tar pit I've been stuck in for a while now.
5. A helping hand out of that tar pit...
6. My mother is holding steady health-wise... at least she was the last time I saw her. (Though we are overdue for a phone conversation.)
7. A smartphone.
8. My ipod which is full of so much damn good music.
9. Dear friends in warm places who take really good care of me when I visit. Scotty was totally my benefactor during my last visit. I can never repay him enough for his generous soul.
10. A job that enabled me to fly FREE back and forth to see Scotty.
11. Free library books for the Kindle.
Well, those are the things that come to mind right away, right now.
Just gonna have to keep on keepin' on. (OK, now I think I'm gonna watch "Joe Dirt".)
I get a kick out of that part of my blog. I wonder if I shouldn't look at some of the new "gadgets" and see if there is anything new and fun out there.... hmmmm, maybe.
A friend of mine recently told me I should ...what was it they said? Cheer up? These posts have been a bit depressing lately. My initial reaction was ...WTF? But they're right. They're always right.
*Sigh*
I've just let so many things go lately and I don't like feeling like I've lost control of my life.
But they're right in that it's probably time to remind myself of how good I've got it.
I've still got a lot of things to be thankful for. So now, the list of things I'm grateful for (in no particular order);
1. A roof over my head...a roof that I love.
2. A job. Talking to others about why I like my job was kinda scary but fun. Scary because I've not been very talkative outside of my job very much lately. Fun in that it was good for me to remind myself of why I do like my job. I like it very much.
3. Good friends ....finally have a date set to watch "Kingpin" with R and K.
4. Hope...a tiny bit of hope....that maybe I can get some assistance in climbing out of the financial tar pit I've been stuck in for a while now.
5. A helping hand out of that tar pit...
6. My mother is holding steady health-wise... at least she was the last time I saw her. (Though we are overdue for a phone conversation.)
7. A smartphone.
8. My ipod which is full of so much damn good music.
9. Dear friends in warm places who take really good care of me when I visit. Scotty was totally my benefactor during my last visit. I can never repay him enough for his generous soul.
10. A job that enabled me to fly FREE back and forth to see Scotty.
11. Free library books for the Kindle.
Well, those are the things that come to mind right away, right now.
Just gonna have to keep on keepin' on. (OK, now I think I'm gonna watch "Joe Dirt".)
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Being Honest With Myself
What a crap weekend. I've got a cold and feel fucking miserable. And while I'm stewing in my misery I can't help but think about how my life is out of control in certain areas.
But first, acknowledgement that my life doesn't completely suck. That, for the most part, I've got a lot going for me. I was able to get back and forth to CA last weekend and spent an awesome weekend with Scotty. He's a generous, loving, accepting soul and I'm glad we've managed to preserve the friendship as long as we have despite some small bumps in the road.
Yet, the visit with him, was also me running away from all of the things weighing me down right now. Literally and figuratively.
I was supposed to get back on the bandwagon in terms of taking better care of myself physically and I've basically said "fuck that" the last few weeks.
Oh not totally but enough to feel discouraged. To say "why bother?" It's a fucking mountain I've got to climb and the one step, one thing at a time approach just seems pointless.
This cold is a direct result of throwing in the towel. I spent the last week not getting enough sleep, not taking my daily vitamin and not drinking any water.
Yet I'm still obsessing over what to eat (veggies, fruit!), not eat (fast food, processed foods), drink (water, water, water) and not drink (soda.) I can't stop thinking about making better choices but then continue to make some bad ones.
And then there's worrying about money. When I'm not thinking about my health and weight, I'm thinking about how I'm thinking that I shouldn't have taken this apartment. I love it but affording it and trying to have a life too is a struggle most of the time. (I am getting raises in January but what good is more money when I can't manage it better?)
And then there is acknowledging that SD is really only going to be a very casual friend that I won't spend time with very often. It was good that I had a date for R & K's wedding but my expectations for spending time together after that were misplaced and it makes me sad because we've got shared interests and I feel very comfortable with him.
*Sigh*
I guess I just need to get my shit together don't I? Taking back control of my health and finances IS doable. I just have to focus on not wanting to feel this out of control again and do what I can to avoid it. It means self-discipline and some sacrifices.
Fuck.
Sometimes I really hate being a grown-up.
But first, acknowledgement that my life doesn't completely suck. That, for the most part, I've got a lot going for me. I was able to get back and forth to CA last weekend and spent an awesome weekend with Scotty. He's a generous, loving, accepting soul and I'm glad we've managed to preserve the friendship as long as we have despite some small bumps in the road.
Yet, the visit with him, was also me running away from all of the things weighing me down right now. Literally and figuratively.
I was supposed to get back on the bandwagon in terms of taking better care of myself physically and I've basically said "fuck that" the last few weeks.
Oh not totally but enough to feel discouraged. To say "why bother?" It's a fucking mountain I've got to climb and the one step, one thing at a time approach just seems pointless.
This cold is a direct result of throwing in the towel. I spent the last week not getting enough sleep, not taking my daily vitamin and not drinking any water.
Yet I'm still obsessing over what to eat (veggies, fruit!), not eat (fast food, processed foods), drink (water, water, water) and not drink (soda.) I can't stop thinking about making better choices but then continue to make some bad ones.
And then there's worrying about money. When I'm not thinking about my health and weight, I'm thinking about how I'm thinking that I shouldn't have taken this apartment. I love it but affording it and trying to have a life too is a struggle most of the time. (I am getting raises in January but what good is more money when I can't manage it better?)
And then there is acknowledging that SD is really only going to be a very casual friend that I won't spend time with very often. It was good that I had a date for R & K's wedding but my expectations for spending time together after that were misplaced and it makes me sad because we've got shared interests and I feel very comfortable with him.
*Sigh*
I guess I just need to get my shit together don't I? Taking back control of my health and finances IS doable. I just have to focus on not wanting to feel this out of control again and do what I can to avoid it. It means self-discipline and some sacrifices.
Fuck.
Sometimes I really hate being a grown-up.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Filler, nostalgia and babbling.
Tonight, Monday night. Long day.
Letting the colder weather get to me. Not feeling motivated to be going, going, going.
Thinking too much about things…e.g. men from my past. Thinking it might be an interesting series of posts…to talk about some of the men I’ve known and my relationships with them. Most of my significant adult relationships have been with men…? (Lemme think about this for a minute….)
Letting the colder weather get to me. Not feeling motivated to be going, going, going.
Thinking too much about things…e.g. men from my past. Thinking it might be an interesting series of posts…to talk about some of the men I’ve known and my relationships with them. Most of my significant adult relationships have been with men…? (Lemme think about this for a minute….)
BV, EB, SC, JC, B, RD...
(Women: uh, nope can’t think of any on the same level as the
men…the women are from childhood, adolescence and young adulthood….hmmm, that’s
interesting in itself isn’t it? DDC, JS(JA)…)
Anyway, the reason I was just thinking about this especially
now is because BV, my first, had a birthday this past weekend. And since I
moved into my apartment, I’ve been only listening to my ipod and without the
car, no radio…and it’s been mostly on “shuffle” …no playlist, just shuffle.
Listening to an ipod that has over 5,000 songs on it. Songs I’ve collected that
were from or remind me of certain times of life (and songs I like/love of
course too) and there are lots of songs …
from the BV years.
Sinead O’Connor, the B-52’s, Cocteau Twins and Voice of the
Beehive. Oh and the Sugarcubes.
And I’m thinking about SC, who I am hopefully going to be
visiting this weekend.
And RD, who just got married a little over a week ago.
And RD, who just got married a little over a week ago.
And now though I’m wondering if I really should write about
the relationship/friendship. Is it enough that I just acknowledge that there
have been several significant relationships with men in my past?
Maybe I should think about lessons learned in those
relationships to help me navigate the new …friendship I’m developing with SD.
I’m having a hard time relaxing and letting things just unfold as they will.
And how do you just be yourself and yet not be????
Fuck.
I am probably just outright thinking too much.
(Really, you think?)
Monday, October 1, 2012
back on the wagon
OK so now that I've had an exciting weekend...I can get back to the life I'm living where I focus on drinking more water, eating better food and keeping active because that's my new life now. And it's gotta be done.
So how cool is it that I am actually doing this post from/with this phone?
Laters baby.
P.S. I realized that if SD keeps saying "yes" then I'm finally going to be convinced that we're really friends.
So how cool is it that I am actually doing this post from/with this phone?
Laters baby.
P.S. I realized that if SD keeps saying "yes" then I'm finally going to be convinced that we're really friends.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
because of course this blog is all about me.
Um, so have I mentioned that I've made a new friend?
How we met is another post for another time....maybe.
Who he is it what I'll be writing about -at times.
He's a writer too. We made a pact over drinks to never read each others stuff -because then we felt that we'd be inhibited and not our be our true selves. (OK, this was my suggestion.)
I totally get it.
It takes a lot of courage to be your true self in front of others.
Ryan and Kari got married this past Friday.
My new friend, let's call him, SD, went with me.
And a big thing I'm taking away from the experience is that when you find someone you can be your true self with, then you've found a soul mate. Someone you're not afraid to be yourself in front of. No self-consciousness, no insecurities. That, I think is my definition of a soul mate and isn't necessarily only for those you're romantically involved with.
I've been lucky to find that so far twice in my life and one of those times is with Ryan (the other person knows I feel this way about them.) I'm so happy he found a soul mate for himself and got to marry her.
So going to a wedding is definitely an interesting experience to share with another person.
Seeing how they dress, present themselves, interact with your friends and generally behave is an educational experience.
I was lucky that he dressed appropriately, was attentive enough to me that I felt like I was with a real date and fun enough that I think they liked him.
SD and I haven't known each other long. Our beginning was ...hmm, what's the word I'm looking for... intense.
And we're in that getting-to-really-know-you stage that is the move from oh-you to this-is-a-real-friend.
And it was the hardest thing to do to try to be myself yet not be.
I live in fear of being ...left and I need to do something about that.
I don't want people to stay with me because they just don't want to hurt me.
I mean, maybe while that's a noble thing to do, it's just that I'd rather that someone be spending time with me because they enjoy my company and what I have to contribute to being a good person to spend time with.
So to the point...
I hope that SD and I really will be friends.
How we met is another post for another time....maybe.
Who he is it what I'll be writing about -at times.
He's a writer too. We made a pact over drinks to never read each others stuff -because then we felt that we'd be inhibited and not our be our true selves. (OK, this was my suggestion.)
I totally get it.
It takes a lot of courage to be your true self in front of others.
Ryan and Kari got married this past Friday.
My new friend, let's call him, SD, went with me.
And a big thing I'm taking away from the experience is that when you find someone you can be your true self with, then you've found a soul mate. Someone you're not afraid to be yourself in front of. No self-consciousness, no insecurities. That, I think is my definition of a soul mate and isn't necessarily only for those you're romantically involved with.
I've been lucky to find that so far twice in my life and one of those times is with Ryan (the other person knows I feel this way about them.) I'm so happy he found a soul mate for himself and got to marry her.
So going to a wedding is definitely an interesting experience to share with another person.
Seeing how they dress, present themselves, interact with your friends and generally behave is an educational experience.
I was lucky that he dressed appropriately, was attentive enough to me that I felt like I was with a real date and fun enough that I think they liked him.
SD and I haven't known each other long. Our beginning was ...hmm, what's the word I'm looking for... intense.
And we're in that getting-to-really-know-you stage that is the move from oh-you to this-is-a-real-friend.
And it was the hardest thing to do to try to be myself yet not be.
I live in fear of being ...left and I need to do something about that.
I don't want people to stay with me because they just don't want to hurt me.
I mean, maybe while that's a noble thing to do, it's just that I'd rather that someone be spending time with me because they enjoy my company and what I have to contribute to being a good person to spend time with.
So to the point...
I hope that SD and I really will be friends.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
New apartment, new body?
So the new life consists of a whole new way of getting
around. Carless.
And I sold the car. So now it's not even an option.
So it’s just me and my old friend, the bus, again. We spent
a lot of years together. I think it’s interesting that I am trying to recreate
things that happened when I was younger (getting a bad sunburn, riding the
bus). Yet, I don’t feel like it’s a bad thing to be re-living these
experiences.
When I was younger I was more engaged with the world at
large.
I was fairly active.
I need to be active again.
After having spent the last 4 months eating WAY less fast
food and walking a bit more (and taking some stairs) I was stunned to find out
that I’ve only lost 3 lbs since my last doctor visit which was in February
(tbc). ONLY.
Now y’all know how I feel about the whole issue of diet,
etc. but it turns out it really is about being healthier. I am taking a cold,
hard look at my physical self. I need to do more than be comfortable in my
skin. I need to make this body work better for me.
And I need to not worry that I will lose my …identity if I
lose weight. I’m known for more than being that …really fat girl.
Hmm. Fat girl. Should
I be one of those people that are brave enough to say I’m fat with pride?
Anyway, so the plan (action!!!!!) includes using the fitness
room when it’s finally done/open here in my building. And swimming. There is a
Y a block away. I mean c’mon, how much fucking easier can it get?
I’ve been going back to Physical Therapy (did I mention I
went once a week for about 2 ½ months this past spring) because it helped. I’m
now hoping it is the bridge between the body I have and the body I want.
Either way, I want to think about all of the wonderful
things I could do if I wasn’t so …forgive the pun …weighed down.
Or…is this just a new …drama …for me to dwell on in the
absence of any other?
Nope. Well maybe a little. My mother was back in the hospital this past week and them finally coming up with a diagnosis is a large part of this now too.
Congestive Heart Failure.
Fuck.
For her, it's about more than she just needs to lose weight ...she has to ALWAYS be eating right, be more physically active and always take her medication. She has to weigh herself daily to make sure she is keeping an eye on the fluid amount in her system, surrounding her heart and lungs. She also has make sure her Bi-Pap machine is working correctly, she's going to be going back to the sleep clinic to look at that.
And she has to not stop. To not give up even when she's discouraged. That will be the hardest part. She wants to see the weight going down on the scale as a result of her hard work. She wants to see a payoff and I don't blame her. I get it. I want it too! I mean 3 lousy fucking lbs????
This time around, she and I had a little bit of THAT conversation. The one where she tells me things she has put on her Health Care Directive. And I have to be strong and not bury my head in the sand and take it like a grown-up when she tells me she is sure I wouldn't want to be the one to plan her memorial service so she's not having my sign this thing, but instead Pop and her friend Judy will be the ones signing it. The ones who things will fall on when those decisions need to be made.
*Sigh*
I can't bear to think of her leaving this earth and it shakes me to my core to even think about her not being around. I, in my dramatic (but oh so real) way, think that I wouldn't even want to exist if she wasn't around.
Here's the big difference between us though...she doesn't fear death because of her religious beliefs and the belief in resurrection and I fear her death because I don't believe in any of that.
Does that mean I should jump back on that bandwagon in order to be able to better deal with it, when/if it happens?
I don't know. But would that be better than feeling the utter devastation that I imagine I will feel?
Either way, or regardless of any of that...
I don't want that to happen to me. I don't want to have repeated visits to the hospitals and feel so helpless.
I also want, I need, to be able to feel more comfortable in my skin again. To honor the one and only body I've got.
It pisses me off that the image I have of myself in my head in now way matches the reality. But maybe I can make it happen.
Oh sure, there are those who say I should say "I can make it happen" vs. "maybe I can make it happen" because of the intent behind the words but Rome wasn't fucking built in a day was it?
"It took a long time to gain this weight, it will take a long time to lose it again" (J.B.)
@@@@@@@
It's the weekend and soon I'm going to stop talking about this. All week, eating right and getting exercise was the main topic of conversation and I need a break from it.
But shit, what a fucking mountain to climb ...for her, for me.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Real People
Living in Lowertown has been quite interesting so far…I’ve
met some odd characters…but they’re real people.
First, there was the guitartist from a death metal band, En
Masse, who sat at my table last Saturday…just after I’d posted that last …post.
I never did get his name but I won’t forget him anytime soon.
They were in town, having played at Station 4 the night
before. At a NYDM (that’s New York Death Metal to you un-cool people….kidding)
Festival. Shaved and long hair both. Piercings and tattoos both.
His first words said something about being carbon atoms…followed shortly
with that he [we] are all made of dust from starts. He was higher than a kite
and drunker than a skunk, but interesting to talk to. It was a surreal experience to be talking to
this guy. Actually just talking to him was quite scary….in that it really is
one thing to talk to strangers …that’s my job. It’s another to talk to a
stranger out there in the world with nothing to hide behind.
Fast forward to last night. It was kind of late when I
ventured out to my current favorite outdoor space. Outside of Golden’s Deli to
use their Wi-Fi. A comfortably lit but kind of private outdoor space. I
officially met Bill. He’s a man I’ve seen come out and smoke late at night a
couple of times when I’ve been there.
Oooh boy! The stories he was telling me last night. He’s in
…gosh, it’s got to be his 60’s and he’s had some things happen in his life that
make mine look like a fairytale. And all of this I learned after I had to
politely reject his interest in us dating. Oh sure, his interest is sweet and
flattering and it was brave of him to say something but …there is just too much
age difference. I also still refuse to start dating someone just because
they’re interested in me. OK, that sounds nuts but I’ll do my best to try and
explain myself…. Maybe it’s better if I use an example to state my case… years
and years ago there was a little show called “Ally McBeal”. And a storyline about a fat man being so
interested in “Ally” because of how kind she was to him that he breaks off his
engagement to a fat woman. The fat woman confronts “Ally” and tells her to back
off and leave this man alone –discourage his interest/reject him because fat
women have it hard enough to find enough love and have to take what they can
get ….or words to that effect. I was outraged at that and also afraid there was some truth
to it. As a fat woman I certainly have less admirers than a skinny woman. That
is just a fact of life, yet I refuse to believe that I have to settle because
there are fewer choices for me.
I am not desperate…lonely at times yes, but not desperate.
Again, maybe this sounds …colder than I really intend. He really
was very sweet but also...oh what the hell, I’m going to say it…damaged goods.
Literally. He was an electrician and just before he retired (!) he got hurt
(head) and only has about 90% of his mental facilities.
But still it was interesting talking to him …he could talk!
He was in the military –an army ranger & special forces (?),
married/divorced, kids, several motorcycle accidents, sober for 35 years and
the last woman he dated (for about 9 years) was a “larger” lady. He likes a
larger lady. Oi vey!
…
And then there is J.D.
Another musician, well, former musician. I can’t remember
his last name or the name of his band, but he says they toured for years and
were the opening act for some big names. (I didn’t ask those.) 46, lives in the Farmers Market Lofts next door. Long hair.
Is [now] a music producer with a really clear idea of what the wants to
accomplish in the next 4 years (wants to retire at 50) which includes winning a Grammy! Going to open a coffee
bar in the space at the corner of his building that’s currently a empty storefront.
He’s also going to be buying Station 4. The bar a couple of blocks away. And is
opening up some video producing space in a building nearby. Divorced. NOT interested in me for dating
purposes. Recently battled/battling Graves disease but now in remission.
Now I can’t tell if any of that was pure and total bullshit
but it sure was interesting.
…
The surreal bit about this was that all 3 of us were talking
while smoking and talked off and on until about 1:30am.
…
I’m loving that this neighborhood –not necessarily my
building –has such interesting (I’ve GOT to come up with a new word…hmm,
eclectic?) people in it. I actually started to think about how I could enjoy my
life more outside of work. When Bill asked me what I liked to do for fun, it
sounded lame to say…play around online, watch TV, read, listen to music. I shouldn’t feel like there is something
wrong with that …should I?
Should I try to do more with my writing?
Maybe.
…
But before I even get caught up in what to do when I’m not
at work, I should focus on why I have skipped work as much as I have the past
couple of months. With the exclusion of the sunburn last month, I really
haven’t had a good excuse. I’ve just been out of sorts. My life is good. I
mean, no complaints. I love my apartment, the neighborhood. I’ve got good
friends and a great family. And did I even mention yet how much I LOVE LOVE my
new phone? No? Well, I do. I love the touch/slide feature. It’s so easy to use.
Anyway. I was trying to explain to someone last night
(before I made new friends) that I am feeling this…well, yes, out of sorts is
as good a description as any. To quote John Mayer…”something’s missing and I
don’t know what it is.” I thought I wanted someone to do stuff with but that’s
not even really so much it.
Maybe it’s just that I want more money and I should start
trying to figure out a way to make money on weekends. Doing something that
doesn’t feel like work. (Is that even possible or am I high? :P)
Saturday, August 11, 2012
My World IS a Happy Place.
Oh sure, it's not perfect (I constantly worry about money) but it sure could be worse.
Saturday - another lazy day all to myself --- I really like those. So much in fact that I skipped Kari's bridal shower. What a complete bitch am I? Fuck, now I really am feeling guilty.
But...it's a perfect summer day. I just had some good food and am drinking an iced coffee outside a place with free WI-FI, steps from my home. It's not fucking humid. And there are few enough people around that I don't feel self-conscious.
I don't know exactly why I crave days like these... oh wait, I do, because I spend all week having to be around people and I don't keep anything to myself, for myself.
Yes, I am obsessed with me. Yes, it's all about me.
WTF?
Well let's change THAT subject.
In my crazy impulsive way I decided on a new phone -I did a lot of reading about phones. Reading reviews, figuring out what I liked and didn't like. What I wanted and didn't want. And then in the space of about 1/2 hour, I chose this thing called a Galaxy Nexus. Next best thing to an iphone? (and how badly do I want an iphone (we'll see if that changes.) This phone is pretty hot stuff from what I've read (and keep reading about.) I also figured I knew that I could deal with the monthly amount as it's similar to my current, non-smartphone.
And if I do sell the car....oh did I not mention that? I'll be uber-responsible with those funds...
So my new phone is supposed to be delivered tomorrow -and I hope it is (I'm worried about the whole signature thing.) I can hardly wait. I was watching instructional videos and reading some of the manual online after work last night. It'll be good to have something new to obsess over.
OK, maybe it could be a touch warmer and sunnier out, but all in all a good day.
Saturday - another lazy day all to myself --- I really like those. So much in fact that I skipped Kari's bridal shower. What a complete bitch am I? Fuck, now I really am feeling guilty.
But...it's a perfect summer day. I just had some good food and am drinking an iced coffee outside a place with free WI-FI, steps from my home. It's not fucking humid. And there are few enough people around that I don't feel self-conscious.
I don't know exactly why I crave days like these... oh wait, I do, because I spend all week having to be around people and I don't keep anything to myself, for myself.
Yes, I am obsessed with me. Yes, it's all about me.
WTF?
Well let's change THAT subject.
In my crazy impulsive way I decided on a new phone -I did a lot of reading about phones. Reading reviews, figuring out what I liked and didn't like. What I wanted and didn't want. And then in the space of about 1/2 hour, I chose this thing called a Galaxy Nexus. Next best thing to an iphone? (and how badly do I want an iphone (we'll see if that changes.) This phone is pretty hot stuff from what I've read (and keep reading about.) I also figured I knew that I could deal with the monthly amount as it's similar to my current, non-smartphone.
And if I do sell the car....oh did I not mention that? I'll be uber-responsible with those funds...
So my new phone is supposed to be delivered tomorrow -and I hope it is (I'm worried about the whole signature thing.) I can hardly wait. I was watching instructional videos and reading some of the manual online after work last night. It'll be good to have something new to obsess over.
OK, maybe it could be a touch warmer and sunnier out, but all in all a good day.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
New Life Cont’d – Reality
I’d forgotten
how having a home of one’s own means upkeep…keep it tidy. I take great
pride and satisfaction from living in a fairly clean environment but I don’t
want to put a lot of effort into which means keeping up with things….
So that is
really what weekends are about right now. Not going out and drinking to the wee
hours. Not seeing the latest movie. Not dining at the latest hot spot. Nope,
just doing laundry, unloading/loading the dishwasher, wiping off the counters
and putting things away where they belong (though I’m still figuring out the
best places for things.)
And my new
reality is no internet access outside of the limited amount I get with my cell
phone.
A couple of
my co-workers are fond of saying “put your big girl panties on” and they’re
right…that is what I have to do.
The reality
is that I can’t afford that …luxury right now and while it’s killing me, I have
other financial obligations that must be met. And I’ve learned very very
painful financial lessons about not meeting your financial obligations.
And I’ll
admit, if I do indeed go to Vegas for my birthday (why Vegas? Free hotel room
courtesy of Michelle, my favorite work friend and …why not Vegas?) I want to be
able to have a wee bit of spending money. That’s coming up week after next.
In a perfect
world, I could have it, do it all, but that is not my world.
I won’t lie,
I miss internet access something awful…and I took it for granted when I had
it…so I’m just going to take the opportunity to catch up on movies –even if
they’re old/older and my reading. (And I’ve got a new neighborhood to explore
don’t I?)
I’m very
fortunate in that a woman at work gave me a TV with a built in VCR –that
works!!!! And I’ve got a bunch of movies to watch that I will hopefully
convince my brother to pick up for me from Ryan’s.
And in the
meantime, I’ve got co-workers lending me movies. And I can borrow some from my
parents. (See this is why you hang on to movies!) How awesome is that?
So here I am.
Saturday afternoon, taking a break and also waiting for groceries to get
delivered…granted maybe they’re just a bit more expensive than I might get at
Target or Cub but the convenience is worth it. I’m being practical this time
and buying stuff that I will have to make –but that will also be great as
leftovers to take to work for lunch.
It’s my
weakness to just buy lunch at work in the cafeteria. I’m a regular. They know
what I usually get…the sandwich guy has finally
begun to know what I like (chicken salad on a white hoagie with romaine (not
iceberg) lettuce and just 2 slices of tomato) …the prices aren’t …terrible, but
they’re not great either.
More reality
that I need to deal with….bringing my lunch should help me save some money that
I can put toward bills.
*Sigh*
What is sad
is that I don’t remember the last time I felt like this…determined to have paid
off as many bills as I could so that I don’t have these things hanging over my
head. I want to be able to live simply and comfortably.
OK, so I
think those are all of the brilliant thoughts I’ve got for now.
More stuff to
do around the house…
Oh joy.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Yup, lucky.
There is something to be said about simple pleasures.
I really don't need a lot to make me happy. It's the 4th of July and while I'm a little...sad I didn't make plans with anyone, I'm quite enjoying this day off so far. And I think holidays really are overrated. Having worked them and knowing people who still have to work them kind of makes them really not need to be so important. (Also, I think it's about having the opportunity to make any day a special day...why save fun for just holidays?)
I've got coffee (and more importantly creamer!), food in the fridge (fresh corn on the cob! New potatoes!) central air (on a day that is supposed to reach 99 degrees!), clean clothes and a comfortable home.
I've got people in my life who are amazing who make me feel alive with the range of emotions I experience with them and a job. A job that makes me happy for the most part and...as of July 1, a raise! (I don't know what it is yet, but I'm sure curious.)
The raise couldn't have come sooner. I've got to face one (or two) of my financial demons ..and soon.
So nope, no complaints at this particular time. Lucky me.
Now if only I didn't want a cigarette so bad....
I really don't need a lot to make me happy. It's the 4th of July and while I'm a little...sad I didn't make plans with anyone, I'm quite enjoying this day off so far. And I think holidays really are overrated. Having worked them and knowing people who still have to work them kind of makes them really not need to be so important. (Also, I think it's about having the opportunity to make any day a special day...why save fun for just holidays?)
I've got coffee (and more importantly creamer!), food in the fridge (fresh corn on the cob! New potatoes!) central air (on a day that is supposed to reach 99 degrees!), clean clothes and a comfortable home.
I've got people in my life who are amazing who make me feel alive with the range of emotions I experience with them and a job. A job that makes me happy for the most part and...as of July 1, a raise! (I don't know what it is yet, but I'm sure curious.)
The raise couldn't have come sooner. I've got to face one (or two) of my financial demons ..and soon.
So nope, no complaints at this particular time. Lucky me.
Now if only I didn't want a cigarette so bad....
Sunday, July 1, 2012
And now time to remind myself why life is not shit
God. What a week. I was faced with the consequences of some of my bad choices AND worrying about my mother who I am really just starting to have a good good relationship with. And there was letting my parent's down ...my Pop mostly. (Then again, how much of this am I willing to share lest you see more of the side of me I don't typically share here??? ...)
And then there is some new stuff with work adding to the mix of anxiety and frustration and fear...I've been asked to take care of someone else's job while they're out on vacation for 2 weeks.
The thing is that while it's flattering as hell (and means time OFF the phones,) it also comes with a bit more pressure. It's making sure tickets have been issued and attached to reservations. Just one tiny little detail that means the difference between the group (or a member of the group) getting on the flight and going off and having a wonderful adventure...or not.
Then there was the exclamation point to the week. The actual spilling of milk. (I would have cried if I hadn't gotten some of that out of my system the night before.)
So here we are, it's going on 1am and I'm ready to remind myself about the positive things in my life and then start dealing with how I can make things right and better.
Then again, it's going on 1am and I'm not wanting to do anything right now other than crawl into bed and let another new day come and bring hope and possibilities with it.
So maybe we'll just come back to some of this later and in the meantime, off to dreamland I go.
And then there is some new stuff with work adding to the mix of anxiety and frustration and fear...I've been asked to take care of someone else's job while they're out on vacation for 2 weeks.
The thing is that while it's flattering as hell (and means time OFF the phones,) it also comes with a bit more pressure. It's making sure tickets have been issued and attached to reservations. Just one tiny little detail that means the difference between the group (or a member of the group) getting on the flight and going off and having a wonderful adventure...or not.
Then there was the exclamation point to the week. The actual spilling of milk. (I would have cried if I hadn't gotten some of that out of my system the night before.)
So here we are, it's going on 1am and I'm ready to remind myself about the positive things in my life and then start dealing with how I can make things right and better.
Then again, it's going on 1am and I'm not wanting to do anything right now other than crawl into bed and let another new day come and bring hope and possibilities with it.
So maybe we'll just come back to some of this later and in the meantime, off to dreamland I go.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
But/Yet/And Now What?
So here it is. This is my life.
I don't know why I'm making such a big deal about having a new place. Lots of people have a new place and don't think it means more than just that.
I guess I just want it to represent more than just a new address.
...it's starting out fairly close to the "beginning" with a bang...I wasn't home for 2 weeks in the first 30 days (or so) so it hasn't started to feel quite home yet.
and Mom is back in the hospital...same place and thankfully I'm a lot closer now. I'm not freaking out ...yet. She went in Friday night with a fever of 103 and the shakes & shivers. But she's been up for visitors starting Saturday late afternoon...We really think...hope she's going to be OK. She's on antibiotics...they thought maybe pneumonia but now it may be some form of cellulitis (sp?) . . .she picked up something somewhere...and I'm afraid from swimming. That would suck if she had to reduce or stop doing that because it's one of the few physical activities she can do and actually enjoys.
Tonight - a potential aid/solution...swim shoes. I'm going to look into those after I've finished this up.
She has to be OK. The alternative is unacceptable. Is that childish of me? You bet. But when it comes to our parent's mortality, why do we have to be mature about it? It's enough that we eventually see them as flawed human beings, just being who they are as individuals and not as "superheroes" or only "Mom and Pop."
So now...time to distract myself from thinking about anything happening to my mother anytime within the next decade...at minimum.
*Sigh*
Every once in a while I like to totally self-indulge in analyzing myself...you know, the whole "who am I?" thing.
Things about Me...2012.
1. Pizza -all kinds....frozen, bad frozen, fresh, Dominos, gourmet...doesn't matter...is my new favorite "food". I used to say anything related to breakfast.
2. I eat more sweet things now. Used to be that I was only a salty snack/treat freak.
3. I'm not as opposed to trying spicier things.
4. I like to cook more...and use fresh ingredients...but yet still refuse to give up "bad" foods.
OK, should I worry this is all related to food so far?
Nah. I've decided to redevelop my relationship with it. Appreciate it for what it is...nourishment for the one and only body I've been given and not let my love and passion for it control me.
*Yawn*
I LOVE LOVE LOVE my apartment. I'm so happy I could make this work (with thanks to a few people)....and now time to put myself to bed.
After looking up swim shoe info. that is. :P
I don't know why I'm making such a big deal about having a new place. Lots of people have a new place and don't think it means more than just that.
I guess I just want it to represent more than just a new address.
...it's starting out fairly close to the "beginning" with a bang...I wasn't home for 2 weeks in the first 30 days (or so) so it hasn't started to feel quite home yet.
and Mom is back in the hospital...same place and thankfully I'm a lot closer now. I'm not freaking out ...yet. She went in Friday night with a fever of 103 and the shakes & shivers. But she's been up for visitors starting Saturday late afternoon...We really think...hope she's going to be OK. She's on antibiotics...they thought maybe pneumonia but now it may be some form of cellulitis (sp?) . . .she picked up something somewhere...and I'm afraid from swimming. That would suck if she had to reduce or stop doing that because it's one of the few physical activities she can do and actually enjoys.
Tonight - a potential aid/solution...swim shoes. I'm going to look into those after I've finished this up.
She has to be OK. The alternative is unacceptable. Is that childish of me? You bet. But when it comes to our parent's mortality, why do we have to be mature about it? It's enough that we eventually see them as flawed human beings, just being who they are as individuals and not as "superheroes" or only "Mom and Pop."
So now...time to distract myself from thinking about anything happening to my mother anytime within the next decade...at minimum.
*Sigh*
Every once in a while I like to totally self-indulge in analyzing myself...you know, the whole "who am I?" thing.
Things about Me...2012.
1. Pizza -all kinds....frozen, bad frozen, fresh, Dominos, gourmet...doesn't matter...is my new favorite "food". I used to say anything related to breakfast.
2. I eat more sweet things now. Used to be that I was only a salty snack/treat freak.
3. I'm not as opposed to trying spicier things.
4. I like to cook more...and use fresh ingredients...but yet still refuse to give up "bad" foods.
OK, should I worry this is all related to food so far?
Nah. I've decided to redevelop my relationship with it. Appreciate it for what it is...nourishment for the one and only body I've been given and not let my love and passion for it control me.
*Yawn*
I LOVE LOVE LOVE my apartment. I'm so happy I could make this work (with thanks to a few people)....and now time to put myself to bed.
After looking up swim shoe info. that is. :P
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Noire
She'll be 2 years in 2 months! Time flies!