2016

With the terrible results of the presidential election capping 2016 in the worst way possible (please please let the electoral college deny him the presidency!) and my continuing health issues (B and I have got the “in sickness” part down pat) …2016 wasn’t a bad year.

I’m so thankful for so many things…and people. I’m so thankful for the people that are in my life.

They all let me be…me. All of them. When you find someone who loves you exactly as you are, wow, what a gift.

I think that’s all I really want to say for now.

Cheers.

P.S. If you've got nothing better to do, there is a "new" post in April 2014 "Alone and Lonely" ....apparently it's been sitting in my "Drafts" all of this time! You can probably tell from the title that it was written at a low point but I'm still posting it because it is also part of my ...story and that's what this blog is at the end of the day. My story.

State of the Sam Address

Yup, another random, out of the blue post.

I would write/post more but my very good excuse is that my laptop is…well it’s sick and needs to see a Dr. It has been for at least year or so now. And typing anything other than a text or a few sentences in an email on my phone or the iPad (yes! I have one and I LOVE it…my 2016 profit sharing gift for myself) just sucks.

And I still LOVE typing. I always get a narcissistic kick from writing and posting so I’m not sure why I don’t just do it more…I’ve now broken what I’m sure is some rule about using the work computer for personal business…OK, OK, I did that a long time ago…who are we kidding? My FV2 addiction is too strong.

But that’s old news.

It occurred to me that I hadn’t really talked much here about how my life has changed in the last couple of years –especially this past year now that I’ve been working from home –outside of talking some about my “ass” issues, which continue. Yes, they do.

It’s been a year (this month in fact) since I started working at home. I totally love it. 

1. No bra! I keep searching and searching for the perfect one but it doesn’t exist, well not anymore. The one I liked had a flaw that the metal part on  the strap kept breaking off, but it was one I could stand to wear for more than a couple of hours.

2. No bus. Do I miss going out and waiting for the bus when it’s cold and rainy out? Nope. No way Jose. Non. Nyet. Flip side, I don’t experience as much of those beautiful perfect sunny days either but I can always get my lazy ass outside more can’t I on those kind of days? And I should! Yes, I should.

3. I can listen to music while I work. I LOVE that. And so far, it’s just been the stuff that’s on my iPod! I’ve got a lot of damn good shit. Thanks to Pandora I’m also getting to learn about new artists I love. Recent find…Small Black. 

4. I actually have an easier time actually “getting to work”. Not easy. It’s still hard to get out of bed some days. But knowing all I have to do is make my way to the living room is a relief.

5. I’d like to think I’m eating better and/or way less but ever since I started getting groceries delivered from Lund’s/Byerly’s well I’m not so sure about that…but I’m certainly spending less money doing that vs, treatingmyself to a meal delivered by Bite Squad. I could probably write a whole separate post on how much I LOVE delivery. I don’t think there is anything I can’t have delivered.

Well, those are some of the top reasons…and working at home has become the perfect solution for the homebody I’ve become over the last …decade.

I miss some of my co-workers and feeling a part of things but not enough to go back.  While I was a hard worker when in the office, I’m even more so at home without any distractions. I have unfortunately/fortunately found myself working outside of work. I love working emails and servicing the contracts so much I do it w/out getting paid for it!

I did a really good job in scheduling and having social interactions the first 6 months…the last 6, not so much. Not necessarily because of my lack of desire but because the people I socialize with have lives and their own shit going on.

Is it enough to know you’ve got people… out there? 

That reminds me…I had a terribly depressing but realization the other day. If I were die in my sleep or …well, just here at home…how long would it be until I was found? I’d like to think that if at least B didn’t hear from me, he’d come over to see what was up. Not that it would be great that he find my dead body but…I think I need to get a set of keys for my brother…or Pop.  Shit, not them either. Hmmm, not R/K, not E. Shit, there’s no one else I can think of…Oh! My upstairs neighbor! M. He’s a nice guy but he won’t be permanently affected by finding my dead body. 

And now that I’m thinking about this again, it inspires me to …get rid of some of my stuff…I have too much!!! But it’s making me think that I had better make up some kind of will or something…but maybe later. I just hate the thought of leaving everything behind for someone else to deal with. 

I’ll have to type up an account/password list too…

So much to do…I also desperately need to get to the Dentist and get my eyes checked and get new glasses. Why am I dragging my feet? Because they’re both going to cost money. 

Here’s a weird…obsession I have right now is thinking about how since I don’t go out very much (aka get dressed) why do I have all of these clothes and jewelry and bags and shoes (well, I don’t really have a lot of shoes with my Fred Flintstone feet) …they just sit in my closet and in my dresser drawers and collect dust on my dresser …It’s like I’m so into “living in the now” that it doesn’t occur to me that I might need those things later…that life could change (because it bloody well does whether or not we want it to!) and I could go back to working in the office. 

…Speaking of jewelry…I posted on FB about wanting creative ideas for what to do with mom’s earrings. 

Mom. We’ll get to THAT in a bit…maybe.

My ears have become so sensitive over the last couple of years and none of my earrings, mine or hers, can be worn without problem the next day. And I LOVE earrings. I have some cool ones. My mom had some cool ones. (Some cool ones I gave her decades ago that she still had…ok, ok, pull it together…)

So we’ll see my artist/creative type FB friends come up with. So far, shadow box w/glass and collage. The latter I definitely need to hear more about. I just got another suggestion about gluing them to a jewelry box or a picture frame. I could actually do the latter myself. But I’ll still take pictures for J and hear her idea for the collage.

Well…time for a coffee and cigarette break. Yeah, I started smoking ago, about a year ago. Still just a pack a week. I know people aren’t happy about it but I quit for a year and maybe I’ll do it again but for right now…it’s my way to enjoy siting outside. I should look into finding something else…

OK, I’m back. Food in belly. Now just waiting for my brother to show up. He’s been coming over and helping me out around my apartment, cleaning and such. And doing my laundry! I’m perfectly capable of doing that stuff myself but I’ve been compensating him and so it’s worked out to be a beneficially mutual arrangement.

It also gives a reason to hang out. He’s got a girlfriend in the Philippines that he’s never met. With a sister working for an airline, he’ll eventually get over there to meet her. He’s trying to get his shit together. Physically and emotionally both. I've found that I actually do like hanging out with him. 

*sigh*

Next weekend is Eli’s 3rd birthday…and I’ll have to be sure to equally give attention to him and to new baby Owen. New baby Owen….another little boy I’ve fallen head over heels for. I won’t lie, I was really disappointed about another boy but it all just doesn’t matter in the end. I love that Eli is at that age where he does recognize me and he’s happy to see me. My heart expands just thinking about those little boys. 

Do I regret not having any children of my own? No. The only child I would have ever wanted is with B but that ship has sailed, in more ways than one.

B. Ah, B. Ups and downs as usual. We survived the Birthday disaster of 2016…barely. But goddamn if I just can’t stop loving that man. His love for me is like nothing I’ve ever experienced, nor will experience again. I’ve had to speak up and say that I’m not staying in this relationship without there being a future for us. We will be together as full partners someday. I’d like to think that includes marriage but living together, loving together in the same house is just fine too. He keeps telling me how great I am and that I deserve the best and to me, he’s the best and really gets me. I just don’t want to end up being one of those women who falls for the line (not that he’s ever given me the line) but ends up alone at the end. 

It’s crazy how little interest I have in anyone else. It’s a complete 180 from how I felt a couple of years ago when G popped into the picture and SD was still orbiting my universe. I was still interested in being able to do whatever I wanted with whomever but now, the thought of being with anyone else is just a major turn-off. (Now, if I do happen to see SD again, I’ll be curious to see if he still gets to me like he has in the past but as he’s still in PDX, that won’t be happening anytime soon. Side note - he did acknowledge in a recent message that he was wrong to not appreciate me while he “had” me. It was nice to hear. And I can so hear B saying right now as I type that “everyone wants the X”.  I wish he’d stop saying that. The only one I want to want me is him.)

So…next month. 2 years. 2 long hard years. The deep grief strikes at the oddest moments. I wrote this about a month ago. I call it a poem (though Pop disagrees with my calling it a poem! But I’ll cut him some slack, he’s still grieving too…we all are…)

Grief 

Never goes away

Always there, hovering around me like a bee 

Waiting to sting me 

Even though I'm trying so hard

To stay still so it will pass on by 

And then WHAM

not a sting

I've been hit by a truck

And I'm flat on the floor 

Crying and feeling the deepest sorrow 

I have ever known.

Is it so wrong of me to think that that’s damn good? I wrote it like in 3 minutes, ok, maybe 5. But still. It definitely perfectly describes how I was feeling in that moment…and still feel at times. I sent it to Pop and he was nice enough to come by that next day for a visit. He brought lunch and we chatted. Didn’t talk about mom so much and that was actually a good thing. I’m overdue for a “date” with him but he’s now so busy w/a new job and pioneering. I want to buy us tickets for the ballet but money is a little tight. I’m keeping on top of bills the best I can but a couple of weeks off work really screwed me. This living paycheck to paycheck has got to stop!  

Fuck it. I just bought us tickets. So I won’t have as much spare cash until next payday but I have plenty of food and the major bills are paid. I just need money for my transpo back and forth to Eli’s party. Though I think I’ve talked my brother into playing chauffeur for gas money and that’s doable, so that’s covered. 

Ah, money. I’d be further ahead if I didn’t have medical bills. I’m chipping away at them but it’s slow going. I really need to get my ass in gear and use the FSA money I set aside for this year. 

And now Jason is here…brought his cat, who I might end up letting stay here for a bit …after next weekend anyway…The R/K/E are all allergic to cats…E too but at least E willing to take a pill and I usually go over to their house …but I don’t know if I’m ready for a full-time commitment but we’ll see how I feel next week …and after he’s been here a while. I have recently thought about getting a cat again…but when I did the little bit of looking …none of them…appealed to me and then I had the thought that I wanted a cat that looked like Louis.

Well that's enough for now I think.

Onward and upward.

Well sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do.

My mind is all over the place and there are so many things I want to write about but I don’t know where to begin.

I know it’s been awhile…again. I really love writing but sometimes it’s just too much…work…I tend to spend quite a bit of time re-reading and editing after I’ve written the initial post.

So here we are. July 1, 2016. I took an hour of PTO today because I just couldn’t stand working one more hour. I had a bad attitude today because I’m stressing out about fucking CHT…that’s call handle time for you not in the call center biz. 

Fucking CALL HANDLE TIME. Fucking CALL HANDLE TIME.
FUCKING CALL HANDLE TIME!!!!

Have I mentioned how much I hate worrying about FUCKING call handle time.

I had one of my call reviews yesterday and of course I’m getting “coaching” about it since it’s not falling under the preferred (required) guidelines.

FUCK THAT SHIT.

That is what would drive me away from the job. 

I need a job where I truly can give service and personalized attention to the customer and there is no fucking CHT to worry about.

Let’s put that in the scary column…and scary is another one of the things I wanted to write about…

Facing fears…

1. Do I really truly want to look for another job? Can I find a job w/in DL…one that puts up with as much w/my attendance (medical) issues as my current job? I like the money I make and I love the benefits and I don’t want to give those up (of course!)

2. I told B the other night that I realize I’m not ready to be a wife and stepmother at this particular time …and not that I wouldn’t welcome an opportunity to just dive in but I know myself and fucking A’ I’m selfish. I like, genuinely like, my life and having the freedom that I do. Am I happy that I feel that way? Not necessarily. I really do need to believe that it’s OK that I don’t have a traditional relationship. They surround me EVERYWHERE but it’s just not what I’ve got. Is it wrong of to me say that I LOVE what I have with B. I think N hit the nail right on the head when she recently lamented about the lack of private time w/BS now that they’re officially a couple to the world and the kids are involved. I’m so happy that when B and I are together, we’re together, focusing on each other, just on each other. Now I just need to work on dealing with my jealousy over the time he spends with everyone else!!! 

3. I’m back to obsessing over food and my weight. I’m half pissed off because it’s not like I binge all the time and I’m half scared to admit that I may really honestly have a problem that I should be seeking professional help for…

In re: #3 I’m going to try something out…I recently subscribed to a newsletter from a woman who is a recovering food addict and she put out a workbook: “The Optimistic Food Addict’s Recovery Journal & Activity Workbook” and I’m going to spend some time this [long] weekend with it.

Let’s see what does for me. I know sometimes you just have to DO and not think so much about the doing but I want to look at it from this angle and see where that gets me. I just want to make better choices, have more self-control and fucking lose some, just some of this fucking weight. I need to because it’s not helping with this ass business.

Yes, ass business. It’s not over yet. I really thought it was after that surgery in January. But nope...the fistula just refused to close up. Fucking A. I had another surgery to put another seton in last month and I have to have it in for at least 6 months. Fuck. (Secret fear: I like the drama and like that it gives me an excuse to not do some things. Is that really terrible of me?)

****

I still look around and look at my life and know I’m lucky in lots of ways so it’s not all bad.

I’m thankful for so many things. 

Random observation…In the past I tend to let my friends I’m thinking about them (and love them) around MY birthday and it’s probably totally self-serving. 

This year…there are a few people I’ve been thinking about…good friends and I’m not reaching out to them. B would encourage me to reach out so I …should. He usually has good advice that I regret not taking. 

OK, well, I think this is enough for now. 

Until next time…

Well, THIS is gonna happen

Happy Spring 2016

Spent the afternoon hanging out with Nicole, preparing her stuff for her to get a passport.

We're going to Amsterdam next month.

We've got the flights...the hotels...and now she just needs to get her passport. I pray she gets it done and done right. I need to have faith that she will. She is a mother and has to take care of shit for her kids all the time. Why do I worry? Because I know how much stuff she has going on and how things have been for her financially.

A New Beginning

Valentines Day 2016 is right around the corner and I'm feeling a lot of love at this moment in time.

I've got so so much to be thankful...so many people to be thankful for. Specifically right now B and E.

That feeling when the heart is so full of love for the people you care about....

Life is GOOD but I feel guilty about that sometimes. I want to find ways to make other people as happy as I am.

...but first, slowly getting "physical" ...I need to find ways to move my body more now that I work at home.

I had surgery on the 15th and I'm optimistic that it was the last of the ones related to my ass. Fucking A. Ass problems. What the fuck. Appointment w/surgeon on Monday. Follow-up. Need to ask advice about how to avoid this in the future. And ask about swimming as my form of exercise...when can I start? I think I'll do it...I'll actually set aside money for Y membership and more importantly...GO! (Self compromise, I'll wait until it's a little less bloody cold out!...It IS only February 5th.)

(Now I just need to get a handle on my appetite....I want to eat EVERYTHING :/ )

Kicking off with a bang.

Today Clean, Tomorrow Lean

"If the thought of taking a big step (like losing 20 pounds) feels overwhelming, try making a small change in an unrelated area. Spending a few minutes each day cleaning out your junk drawer or organizing crushing paperwork, for example, can help you feel successful—and provide you with the motivating energy to subsequently tackle the more difficult task."

—Claire M. Stuckey, Plymouth, Minnesota

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/health/The-Best-Advice-from-Health-Coaches#ixzz3wnFSO32g

ooh, like this...

http://www.ahealthysliceoflife.com/keeping-eating-healthy-fun-with-one-simple-tip/

and this...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lauren-solomon/5-tips-to-a-healthy-you-f_b_6294900.html

"There's too much of a separation between thinking 'I want to be healthy' and 'I am healthy,'" Robyn told me. "Those who are on a path to being true to who they are and what their style is need to make drinking extra water or exercising almost every day or eating extra veggies as immediate and frequent as responding to emails or texting so these healthy habits become a natural part of who they are."

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Am I obsessed with health ..again? Yup. I weighed less than I thought I would ...I saw my Dr. yesterday for a pre-op physical. Surgery next Friday. Hopefully the last to deal with the fistula (the last of any kind EVER please.)

I got excited at the lower number. It felt good to know things I've been doing...work. I want the number to get even lower.

But...I need support so I've been doing some searching about Health Coaches. In a way, that's what my Dr. was yesterday. We briefly talked about the weight and it's all connected to how I feel ...and I don't think I really have been connecting the two...that's like a total "duh!"

I'm doing OK in some areas, but need to improve in others.

I need to drink more fluids and keep eating better foods. And it's all related to making me feel better and avoid certain problems. Like totally duh! You are what you eat.

This one has some good (realistic/doable) advice;

http://www.livebeaming.com/2014/02/7-tips-to-make-healthy-habits-stick-from-a-nyc-health-coach/

....the thing that I'm ...loving... is that I'm already doing some of the stuff these articles have been talking about... Yay!!!

Another search I did...

http://www.callcentrehelper.com/49-tips-for-reducing-average-handling-time-aht-38157.htm

I have GOT to get a handle on the calls for work.

Not just that, but make sure I follow ALL of the fucking rules, even if they don't apply to my job. :(

I'm going out for surgery again next week and I should use my time off to think about how to deal with the calls better. I'm already VERY good at my job but I could improve in areas.

I just sent an email to my manager and 2 leads I work with most...mine and J with a link to this article...

http://www.callcentrehelper.com/49-tips-for-reducing-average-handling-time-aht-38157.htm

I think it's good thing to let them know I do care and am looking for ways to improve. I can be a total bitch when I get any kind of feedback that's less than ...100%.

Just stumbled across this article...ooh, like this...

http://blog.intradiem.com/holistic-approach-to-aht-improvement/

"Educate agents on AHT. During initial training, teach agents on what AHT is, how it is used in planning and scheduling, and how keeping it in check helps not only keep costs down but also improve the customer – and the agent – experience. Make sure agents understand that the AHT objectives for the various call types they handle are more of a range than a “hit this number or else” goal. And clearly explain that AHT reduction is ultimately the responsibility of managers and supervisors – not agents. After all, it’s up to the former to ensure that agents are properly prepared to handle calls efficiently and effectively, and that the center’s systems and processes don’t hinder agent’s ability to do so.

Once agents realize that AHT isn’t intended to handcuff them, they can relax and focus on delivering the best customer experience possible on every call. This results in fewer errors and fewer callbacks from frustrated callers – things that can drive center-wide AHT way up."

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Well I think that's enough to start with. Life is going to get even better.