Thanksgiving week 2025

I got my first hug from B yesterday - since we got back together - and it was EVERYTHING. 

He is my rock. I am loved. I'm cared for. I have someone I can say anything to. I can be 1000% myself. 

Love comes in so many varieties, and they all count. 

People that know don't necessarily approve. I get it. I've shared more about my feelings on the "bad" more than I've shared "good" so yeah...we all love me and want to see me get what I want. 

And I still want what I wanted before. 

And I will ask him to talk about it. We need to tear down some of the walls that we've built and built-up the last few years.

Is he my "Mr. Big"? Or is he my "lobster"? He is both. 

And that's all there is to it.

New Chapter

https://youtu.be/oHs98TEYecM?si=PMdpGaEtjXUo5TFA

Choosing someone who makes me feel safe, loved and cared for and I get to be unapologetically myself. Yes. 

Welcome back B 

We have our own vows - and I do - say yes to a life with him in it. 

They are about to say 'I do', three little letters, two little words. 

Its the simplest part of the day; but there is nothing simple about the things that will remain unsaid.

'I do' means I do know I could be hurt, but I am ready to be healed with you.

It means I do want to try, even when the fear of failure holds me back.

And I do not know the future, but I am ready to be surprised along the way.

'I do' means I do want your love & I do give you mine.

And nothing we do will ever be the same, because we will be doing it all together.   

I choose you, only you my love. 

October Symphony

Notes written/notepad that belong here. 

Now that I’ve embraced posting via mobile apps, I’ll be able to post more. 

I’ve got lots of stuff to document. Then again, will I really want to reread all of this? Not really. In the meantime, for my small devoted audience…

 Notes: 

Notes 1 - Assault

⁃ I think I left my body because I don’t even wanna think about the pain I was feeling from getting that beating. I mean, I still can’t even believe it really happened. And here I am just trying to do the right thing and get some Workmen’s Comp. from my company, but they just are being assholes about it. 

⁃ I’m glad I have a lawyer! 

And…

Note - 2 - D also stands for Done

Well D disappeared for about 3 days and then said needs slow things down, take a break. Alrighty then. I know what that means. 

I got what I needed out of him and I was really struggling with how to move forward. I mean we had fun. Another “meh” experience sex-wise but at least I finally got fucked. In spite of that, it was a good experience -music! but yeah, I feel OK about it. 

He’ll just be another guy on Facebook that I’ve been with, but we didn’t end up together. I’ve got a few of those now. I wonder if I should worry about that? I don’t know.

And B popped back into the picture briefly. (Yeah you did) 

☯️☯️

Am I really accepting all of that? So…coldly

Yeah, I’ve already been battered physically and emotionally and these are just more bruises on my soul. 

Back to life as I know it as a single woman. 

Oh and more sucky things

-SD has cancer and prognosis isn’t great. 

-R in hospital, serious diabetes issue - sent him message that if he wants to have a pity party for 2 that we could FT tonight and be miserable and complain together to get it out of our systems. We’ll see if that happens. I pretty much just did that in this post.  

D is most definitely in the picture

Well I am in the car, on the way grab some food, then V do my makeup and O/V and V’s new friend L are dropping me off at the airport. I’m flying up to Duluth this evening for our first meeting. I am smitten kitten! 

Keep you posted! 

So THAT happened and that.

So it’s mid-September and I am home recovering From being assaulted by G at the Richfield house. I’m also recovering from finding someone I could have truly fallen in love with to now being ghosted, D. I am not gonna be a victim and I’m not gonna blame myself, for either situation. 

Sure, maybe with D I maybe got ahead of myself and talked too much but I was really giving as much as I was getting. 

OK, so I have literally and emotionally taken a beating in the last week and just fuck it all. 

55 is Right Around the Corner

And I'm actually OK with that. It's the next chapter. Tonight, first night feel like this job is going to work out for me.

And

I ate chia seeds for the first time and I liked them!!!!! Granted, it was a chocolate pudding with strawberries and cacao nibs. Wasn't sure at first but was a fan at the end!! 

So this is my life at this stage of my life. Feeling capable again and fuck do I ever love getting a paycheck!!!!

Now to just get back on track financially. 

And this is my life .... working overnights for Dragonfly and have a lot of freedom! 

V continues to make me proud, love him more, frustrate less...so so fucking lucky to have them both in my life!! 

And Just Like That

OK, well all that intense thinking I did about B the other day resulted in him, texting me but with a text that didn’t make any sense. I won’t get into all of the details, but suffice it to say that he wasn’t answering my questions and he thought I was ghosting him. Guess he’s not reading the blog anymore.

I had told him repeatedly in text that I was just giving him space to figure out what he wanted. 

As nervous as I was, I decided to just rip off the Band-Aid and I asked him straight out if he’s gonna get divorced, he said NO and that means that the end for us. He doesn’t get to still have me in his life. He doesn’t get to have his cake and eat it too. 

I asked him when he changed his mind and he said within the six months to the last year. WTF? At first I wanted to take it personally, but then I realized it’s all on him. He is the coward or maybe that’s too harsh. He just couldn’t bring himself to tear apart his family in order to give us a chance. 

I’ve got so many thoughts, feelings and emotions swirling around in my head. I’m in shock right now well maybe not shock because I guess I always knew this was coming and I guess I’m just not surprised. If we really were gonna be together, we might’ve made it happen a lot sooner. And of course, there’s anger, I’m really pissed because I chose to wait for someone all of these years and now he decides that he’s not gonna honor his promise….I’ve spent the last 20+ years of my life waiting on this man and it was all for nothing? Yeah, there’s a million lessons I’ve learned about this, from this, but damn him.

And of course there’s heartbreak. I love this man. I loved this man, but it’s just not meant to be and I was at least thankfully already thinking of just letting him go. 

I am sure I’ll have more to say at another time, but for now this is where things are at.

Jammin’

Could I be any more of a cliché right now? I am outside, listening to music and enjoying some nature and the song that’s on is “Jammin” by Bob Marley and it’s just so perfect for the way I’m enjoying nature right now. I’ve been playing chauffeur for V a lot recently and I’m kinda liking it. I like sitting in the car waiting for him. Just listening to music and smokin’ whenever I want.

So I think I do have the job even though there’s been a change in management. I’m talking directly with the owner of the company and yeah hopefully gonna start working the night shift soon. I’ve been thinking about how my life is gonna be and in order to not fuck myself up more physically (because night shift is hard on a body) I’m gonna have to create a schedule and make sure I get in time for exercise, and that the food I eat is good and doesn’t have any sugar in it 🤬 and I’m gonna go swim before work. I really gotta keep doing these things. Fatty liver disease is no joke. 

Well I guess I’m glad I’m happy it’s not fucking diabetes. Jesus. You know what really pisses me off? That every time I have a doctor appointment or dentist appointment, they assume I already have diabetes! WTF, like fuck you! You know that’s the problem with being my size, there’s a lot of assumptions made. Yet I need to not be the “O” word anymore. I can live with “fat” but the O word has got to fucking go. I hate that fucking word fucking “obese” fucking horrible. I hate it and I’m not gonna be that anymore. I’m not. I’m sick and tired of it. 

Well, OK Then

All right, so I guess this is the new reality, posting on this blog by doing it speech to text…that laptop is such a pain in the ass. I should just get rid of it. There’s so many things in this place I should just get rid of, but I find myself not able to. I know I should just like keep the sentimental stuff, but everything is kind of sentimental in one way or another. 

Anyway, the reason for this post today is that I had to come here and talk about how it’s interesting how something can be just switched from on/off or from up to down or from down to up so quickly. I was feeling so hopeless as of yesterday but now I’m feeling hopeful again and all because I had a chat with O and decided to look into getting a job with her company. 

I’m applying for a position that would be working overnights and just being there in the house to be there for this behaviorally-challenged kid and it couldn’t be more perfect for my life right now. Well OK that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but anyway I was feeling really hopeless and then I watched a video on YouTube from Tony Robbins and Eckhart Tolle and the point that kept being really nailed home, for 45 minutes, was that all we have is now. All we have is now. All we have is now and it got in my head and made me stop and take a quick check-in with myself and going OK this is my now -

I’m a night owl and I don’t wanna work too hard right now. I know that sounds terrible but I know what I mean 😬 but then I also realized that I wanna work with people and not “machines” so it’s kind of perfect. 

I’m doing this interview over text and I’m just being myself, and being able to be myself? That’s the dream baby because I’ve had so many jobs where I’ve had to rein in who I am and I don’t wanna do that anymore. I wanna just be free to be me 😬 

Hmm, I didn’t realize how important that was until right now..,but anyway, of course, when it rains it pours (not that anything really may come of either of these things) but I also have a text from a temp agency that wants to know what I’m looking for etc. and so I’m gonna answer it. I’m just gonna go with like the dream of what I want - shift, work, pay - because if you don’t ask, you don’t get, right? 

I have to make these things about my life important and really good for myself because I have a feeling they’re going to become very important to me as I deal with the loss of the love of my life. I have a feeling that things aren’t gonna work out with us. I just have a feeling that if it was gonna happen it would’ve happened by now. It’s that “He’s Just Not That Into You” thing. Lord knows I’ve been seeing a million memes and quotes on Facebook the last few months saying that when a man really loves a woman, really into a woman, there’s nothing that he wouldn’t do to be with her -should I think the universe is trying to tell me something? 

I was so sure for a while with him, that we were going to be real someday, and then I lost it all, Thankfully, in a weird way, you know O & V have filled the “family” need that I wanted to feel again.  In fact, yesterday kind of in a joking way, I asked O if she wanted to be my domestic partner and she said yes so yeah maybe I mean it’s kind of weird but a domestic partner is like the best of things and the only thing you’re missing is the sex, and romantic stuff 🥺 but I’m so thankful for her,  so incredibly thankful that this woman came into my life and that the kid has changed my world totally upside down and I love them both so much, 

I never would have ever imagined that this would be my life at this point. Going on 55 and living in this condo and being a family with a Russian woman and child…but God if anybody can understand life not sailing smoothly (with my mother‘s many marriages, and our millions of moves (ooh I like the alliteration on that) just to name the minor things) it’s going to be them and the shit they’ve experienced in their lives so far.  

So now we are this little family unit and it’s the best thing ever and I’m learning so much from them. I’m so lucky to have them and I can’t imagine life without them, especially at this time in my life because yeah I think they’re gonna help heal my heart. 

Still, I really do hope I’m wrong. No one ever has made me feel like he makes me feel. I’m smarter. I’m funnier. I’m more beautiful. I’m more confident. I’m standing tall and I am. I’m superwoman when I’m with him. And he’s my Superman, sexy and strong and confident and so manly and masculine, and just my total alpha male. 

I just wish things would just hurry up and get messy and awful and terrible so we can get that part over with and then just be together. We deserve to give it a try. I don’t know about him, but I don’t wanna have spent the last 20 years for nothing but a “learning experience” 

I gotta fucking get off that topic now anyway I think this is enough for now. 

This is a lot and

I’ll be back.

More of 1st Quarter

Sorry about that. I meant to come back and do another post right away but you know, life, got in the way. 

Update on my court thing. I accepted a deal that said as long as I don't have any more "school bus violations" in a year, then it all goes away and I have 6 months to pay off $175 in fines/fees. 

I could have insisted on finding video, go to court/jury but I just wanted to get on with the business of ...life. 

Not that there really is going on at the moment. I thought I had a lot more of stuff to talk about but don't find myself feeling particularly chatty right now. 

Though...things here at home with O & V are really good. We are a family and we are his "parents" and we're a good team. We have strengths and weaknesses that are complimentary, and V is getting both of his physical AND emotional needs met. 

And I'm so proud of him. In little over a week, it will be our 2-year anniversary and I'm still so grateful every day that they came into my life. Being part of a real family like this ...sharing responsibilities of caring for a kid...who knew I could have handled it very well had I had a chance to do that with B! Oh well. 

I love seeing how much V has grown physically, mentally and emotionally over these last couple of years. 

Because of him, I know what my dream job would be at this time in my life. I would love to work with LGBTQ2+ youth. Be a youth advocate. I have an opportunity now to go to Normandale Community College this summer to get my associates in psychology. I'm hoping a lot of my credits from Strayer and Sophia transfer because then I'd be done with that program that much quicker which should help career-wise -get my foot in the door somewhere doing what I want to do. Unless I seriously pursue that lead I got from Dr. E (V's Dr.) 

On that front, silence. 

And everywhere I look - on social media of all things - are things about not staying with someone who isn't actively showing you that they want to be with you. "Love Yourself Enough to Let Them Go" - but I resist that message as I'm not really with him yet. Do I wish it was as simple as he would have decided long ago to divorce and be with me? Yes, sometimes. But I wasn't ready. I think I needed to go through all that I went through which led me to this place, where I can appreciate getting a taste of what his life has been like. Living in a household where responsibility for a kid is the #1 priority is not a small thing. 

In the meantime, I'm also beginning the process of applying for social security disability. I don't know how that will go but I do know that my body isn't like it used to be. 

Speaking of my body - while it's not working quite as well as it used to be, at least, thankfully I am losing some weight. I got a little off track recently, but I'll get back on track. For me, smaller portions, more veggies/fruit and more water has been a great start. Totally doable when I put my mind to it :P  The feeling of seeing the number go down when I get weighed is THE best feeling in the world. 

Did I mention I got a free membership to a gym (LA Fitness) with my health insurance and I can go swimming whenever I want...and I've gone only once since I signed up :( ) -going up and down the steps on errands or taking V out and about is all the activity I'm getting these days. I know I need more than that. 

When does need turn into do? I'm such a big talker, not so much a doer. Maybe that's what I should give some serious thought to...er, I mean, some active study! 

Ha! Maybe I'd just be using that as another excuse not to look for work. Though I've got lots of good excuses for why I'm not really doing that...all of the uncertainty in our government right now with that evil orange one and his pet piranha causing chaos. And what if I qualify for social security disability? Don't I need to know more about that before I seriously look for work? 

Anyway, in spite of everything...I consider myself very lucky. Very blessed. O and V have a lot to do with that. While I'm going this phase of my life, I'm not alone. 

I want this with B...at least I used to. It's so hard not having a clue wondering what the fuck is going through his mind. 

1st Quarter 2025 Report

Well, I'm not sure where to begin, so maybe I'll just begin in January. Still unemployed and wondering what the fuck to do with myself, I was inspired by a conversation that O and I were having about certificate programs to look into. So, then I thought, maybe I should look into going and doing the esthiology program at Aveda (Horst.)  I had started the cosmetology program there back in the early 90's but it wasn't quite right. I preferred skin-care and make-up to hair and I had said back then that I should have done esthiology instead of cosmetology. Over the years I've said I should have done esthiology. So, I decided to go for it.

It was also a fairly easy choice to make since my job search had been pathetic at that point, and I was feeling so discouraged about having to go through the whole process - especially when every job that I am qualified for had just been leaving me...cold. Cold is the best way to describe it. But it was more than that. It was the thought of facing another job where I was the "middleman" and wasn't going to be in charge of the choices made that made it easier to think it would be a good fit to do this thing, where I would be able to help people directly with something. I would be actively doing something to help someone feel good about themselves. 

Just for curiosity's sake, I thought I'd also just see what other schools had the program and to my pleasant surprise, I found out that there was a beauty school here in Bloomington that was going to be a better fit...that it had free, close parking and a small enough of a footprint, space-wise, that I should be able to navigate it with my limited mobility were also major selling points. 

From my first meeting with the admissions officer, K and the ED of the school, T, it felt right. The downside is that it wouldn't begin until March 10. 

Life carried on and I still looked and applied for jobs that might work, and when even one working in a group air department for a travel agency -rejected me! - is when I became convinced it was time to go ahead and commit to school. Learn this skill and trade and then be able to work in all sorts of places and do lots of things with this and problem solved! 

In the meantime, O got her driver's license (and bought her first car days later!) I'm so proud of her for getting it done!  Yes, she did get help from a driving school & instructor on top of practicing in Betsy and what I taught her, but she still had to pass the test. 

I won't lie, having 2 driver's and 2 cars in the house with a teenager has been a godsend. Added bonus, I don't need to take getting V to school (or picking him up afterwards) into consideration as to what hours I would "need" to work. 

Also, in the meantime, I got a ticket, and I will be going to court tomorrow morning. A school bus had stopped, and the stop sign went up just as I passed it. Cop chased me down and gave me a ticket and this is an automatic court offense. I qualified for an attorney since I couldn't afford one of my own and apparently, you just meet them at the courthouse the same day/time. OK. I'll just have to deal with whatever happens from that. 

And .... school? Well, I didn't last a week. By the 2nd day when we had to go set up our tables and practice "draping" I was thinking I might be in trouble. 

Physically I was a wreck after doing the standing and bending and reaching just to do that. And this was just a tiny sliver of the whole process. 

By the 4th day when we gave a partial facial, I knew I was done. My poor classmate who I had to give the facial to, got the bare minimum. By the time I was done, I was a sweaty crying mess with a back that hurt like a mofo. I really hadn't given enough consideration to the physical demands of the job. Being able to stand and using my short arms to do this -I thought it would work, but no. 

Our instructor, Miss Ann, was so kind. She remarked that I had some soul-searching to do and she was 100% right. On my way out that day, I stopped in at the offices and ended up chatting with both K & T and decided I wasn't going to give up quite yet. I was going to see if a back and knee brace would help. I was going to see what other kids of accommodations that could be made that would help. I wasn't going to quit yet another something in the space of a few months! 

I made it through the weekend. even though my back was still killing me. By the time Monday came around when I got the back/knee braces, even with the right sizes, it was a disaster. The knee brace wouldn't stay up and the back brace was too big and bulky overall for my short torso. They weren't going to work. With the thought of what I was going to have to be able to do every day, several times a day, made me admit to myself I had really made a mistake. Well, a big error in judgement let's just say. So, I went it on Tuesday morning and had a chat with T and withdrew. 

I'm not happy I quit something else in a matter of months, but there is something to be said for knowing when something is not going to work and letting it go. 

To Be Continued...

    

Welcome to 2025 Blogger

June 22 2024

My wants/needs

• Emotionally available 
• Physically available 

Serve me

feed me healthy food

Shower with me

Stretch with me

Exercise with me

SExercise with me

Help me get me back in touch with my body

Touch my body, soft and hard

Appreciate the body I have now

☮️☯️

That is a note from my notepad and because I’m getting lazy again at posting here, I’m going to just add something to Notes and then Copy and paste it here (with the date of course because I can’t copy that part of the note anyway and I couldn’t attach a screenshot) so the idea is that I use my notepad a lot more and the stuff I’m usually putting in the notepad…half the time it’s important and related to life and I know it…so I will just then copy and paste it here. It will be a different sort of record keeping of my life at this point - - 2025 Is pretty fucking good so far considering I’m unemployed. But I have new health Insurance from state of MN, I’m getting unemployment money, O and V are still living with me, or I should say back living with me, and 2025 should be an important year for B and I.

It’s the year Annie turns 18. I was promised that once she turned 18, he would get divorced and we would FINALLY be able to have a real relationship.

I’ve got to see that through and get resolution to it once and for all. For the last time. I’m hopeful things are going to go on my way. I love that man so fucking much and I know he loves me.

.