Outside the Bubble

I’ve been thinking about what I said in my last post about the reasons I didn’t want to have children and it also occurred to me that I've never been in a relationship where that was part of conversations as we went along the traditional relationship "path" (dating, commitment & monogamy, proposal, engagement, wedding, babies…)

I grew up with a lot of untraditional relationships (infidelity!! And true love in dramatic fashion!!) and then as I got older, and fell in love for the first time with someone who actually loved me back, it didn’t (and hasn’t!) been following the traditional path I see most everyone else go down.

I believe though, if I really had wanted the married w/kids kind of life for myself, I would have found a way to have it one way or another. I do get what I want sometimes 😬

And as I think about it right now, I feel that I have absolutely no regrets that my life went down the road that has led me to the life I have in the here and now. 

Even with B and I having had the "on-again, off-again" relationship we had for years at the start, I really don't recall it being a big topic of conversation beyond my saying I didn't want kids especially once I knew he really wanted to be a dad. And, I am just realizing literally now, as I compose this post, that of course the relationship wasn’t going to move forward when there was such a big thing to be on different sides of the road about! 

Now that I have the benefit of being able to look back and think about all that's happened and choices that were made, I know it wasn’t all his fault that it's been so tumultuous. I don't get to keep being mad that I didn't get to be Mrs. when I didn’t want what he did! Though I think I would like to have been given the chance to have my mind changed 😬😬 but I get it. (B, this is my version of Grace/victim with Will/villain in that episode I was telling you about and I’m Grace..…I should just send you link now that I think about it, especially now that I’m mentioning it here 😬…sent!!) 

B has been the “bad” guy because of her but I’ve been freely making the choice to be in this because of him, and wanting to be on the path with him because some make it look so wonderful (sadly not all.) (And now to try and explain this to the people in my life who don’t necessarily support my choice of…love.)

But anyway, B and I have been living in a bubble for so many years I've lost count. We get along so well, there is so much love between us and acceptance of each other flaws and all, the sex is still amazing decades later and there are so many good things about us and between us but we only exist between him and me and my world. Bubble. 

But now, I’m thinking about something I don’t think about very often, but now with the major realization about myself, is that it’s actually been very immature of me to expect him to just completely turn his world upside down and get divorced without us popping the damn bubble first. 

On the flip side- fear. I've previously had the thought that the fear of it going wrong and we don't end up with our version of happily-ever-after, is a big part of the reason I have been content to stay in the bubble. 

Fear of reality and having to make our relationship... legitimately scaring the shit out of me because what if he got to know the "real" me and left me? I've previously wondered about what happens if A doesn't like me, but more importantly, would he dump me if she wanted him to? 

What is his family going to think of me, of us? (Interesting that it’s all about him rejecting me but I just don’t see myself not ever wanting to be without him in my life again. He is my lobster.) 

I would like to think though that they would be happy to see him with less "weight" on his shoulders, living an open and honest life, where he has a partner who absolutely adores him and makes him so happy and supports him in so many more ways than his previous partner did (😝). He’s only got this one life to live and he should be able to live it the way he wants it. 

But....imagine it, all these years loving each other in the ways we've been loving each other - away from the real world - just to NOT end up not getting our happily-ever-after? Though quite unlikely now that I really think about it. 

To be clear, my view of "happily-ever-after" has evolved from being more than being with your love and sharing life together, but making choices together and the relationship is worked on everyday. Some days one party may have to carry a bit more of the load and another day the other person has to…but day in and day out, you’re still going to choose to go through all of the good, bad and boring days together. 

♥️♥️♥️♥️

And B. 

Oh B. I've been in love with you for what feels like forever...in love with who you are as a man, of who you are as a father, and it's always only been you I've ever Loved with the capital “L”. I love how much you worry about me (though I’m trying to reduce that amount) and I love your psychic abilities and insight into my crazy and how much you support all of my enthusiasm and for always letting me interrupt!!! Just more of the millions of reasons I love and adore you so much ♥️💋💕

♥️♥️♥️♥️

Last Spring…after a really tough couple of years between us, being that it was also finally the year A was to turn 18, (the year we had previously agreed on to be the year that he would pursue a divorce) amongst misunderstandings and miscommunications galore, I was so frustrated with just not knowing if we had a new chapter of our relationship to look forward to, I sent some texts - "this was the year..." and then telling him I was going to "...step back and really let him think about what he wanted to do about us and our future together." (Not actually quoting the texts but those were the general messages.)

But then one day in June I got a really confusing text from him and I said, fuck this, I just need to know the answer to one question. Was he going to get divorced, Y or N?

Got a N. So I was done. Once and for all done. I wasn't going to ride the rollercoaster anymore. Not going to spend any more time with someone who wasn’t going to completely flip his world upside down for his fearful, immature, self-centered girlfriend just because she wanted it without putting in any of the "real" work that a relationship needs. 

But fast forward to September, the assault happens and Dan happens and I was feeling so lost and anxious and unsure and unsafe and B reached out, after learning about the assault and because of that care and concern (that, really has been there for DECADES) he became someone to me again that mattered more than almost anyone else so I said fuck it, why should I be apart from someone who loves me and someone I love (and knows how to play my body like a finely tuned instrument 😉) ??

And so when we talked about becoming at least friends again, I said I didn't just want to be friends. I wanted him back as my love, so I asked him if he wanted to be more than friends again and if he could give me everything else I wanted, a fresh start, and we’d have regular, real dates again, he said yes to each thing, (and it was so cute how he answered so fast (before I could finish the sentence he was saying yes)) and hearing him say that made my heart leap and my world finally made sense again. And essentially we went back into the bubble. But I can live with it now. V is a big part of my life now and is the priority. 

✅✅✅✅✅

Babe, please trust that I’m not in a hurry and I like where we are. I'm not trying to rush you. We just can't keep up the dishonesty forever.

✅✅✅✅✅

Yeah, the reality is that I still want him to get the divorce, but for himself now. Free himself from that particular cage. It’s dishonest and disrespectful and at the very least a person deserves is honesty and respect. There are 4 of us here in this relationship at the end of the day (A counts too in this scenario.) 

🥰🥰🥰🥰😚

No more lies, no more hiding. 

No more long explanations on what you’re doing and where you’re going and where you are. 

Being treated as a grown-up. Just freedom and a weight off the shoulders.

🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

And the timing would finally be ...right. I truly, madly, deeply, only love this man and want to be with only him from now until the end of our lives. 

But … *sigh* ...

The bubble. 

I'm in a bubble with V too. 

O is an alcoholic and everytime she falls off the wagon, I'm there for him - important yes - but I also say I'm going to actively get help for her. And I don't. 

Oh sure, I like to be "mom" but not for ALL of the hard stuff. 

It's a pattern with me. I'm great with playing at gf & mom but scared to death of having to deal with reality.... especially right now, V is in so much pain and I'm not doing enough to get him real help. 

I'm realizing that I'm just a big ol' fraidy cat.

At least though...there are things I CAN do to help V and I will do them. This amazing young man is going to not only survive his youth but grow up into an amazing man if I can keep learning and get it right more than I get it wrong and get better at it as Mama Ru says and “step my pussy up.” 

I am great at telling the world I'm a Leo but no one's hearing me roar. It’s about time I started to at least warm up my vocal cords, right?!

I don't know. What I DO know is that the love shared between myself and these 2 special people is what makes me the absolute happiest woman alive, even if they're not traditional relationships. 

While there is a certain peace inside these bubbles and so much love I’m surprised it isn’t making the bubble burst, the bubbles mean there is a separation between fantasy and reality and reality has the potential to be so much more than I could ever hope for and I have to be willing to pop them.

Or maybe first just stretch them out a bit first…

OR just fuck it all and who cares about being in or out of bubbles…maybe the world isn't designed for the ways that I, Sam, have found the man I love and the child I didn't birth and love is really all that matters. 

The greatest thing is to love and be loved in return. 

And now that I've sorted this out in my head (!)...time to get on with the business of life...

1. Get a job
2. After get a job, get on a regular schedule for sleep, eating healthy, taking meds, and exercise. 

Bonus Mom = Expansion of Heart

You know I never wanted kids, at least not as I got older I mean. When I was around 5 was about the last time I played mommy and daddy with my friends, but then we started playing teacher after that. 

I don’t remember being one of those little girls who always wanted a baby …at least I really don’t think I was. Definitely not past…again 5…interesting (maybe something to think about another time...?)

I also thought I had another very good reason for not wanting children. My temper. I thought I would be a terrible mother because I would lose my temper and beat the shit out of my kid.  I think I understand it now as I thought I wouldn’t have enough patience and that I thought would snap… the temper I had would actually turn into physical violence. Yes, I would be curious to know where that came from. I don’t recall my mother ever being like that. I mean, I think there were times she got frustrated with us, but I don’t remember ever being In fear of her. 

The thought of doing physical violence toward anyone who would or has hurt a child gets me so riled up so much so that I’m gonna try to find a job in a field related to that field -not police work or victim support -not ready to dive all the way in, but I want to maybe dip my toe in the water…

But back to the subject at hand…

Over the course of my relationship with B, there were a couple times I took a pregnancy test and I was disappointed I wasn’t pregnant. 

I know he’s such a great dad. He was meant to be a father. I’ve been there to watch him with A since before the moment of conception and I love the parts of her that are totally him (😝 well I’m not a fucking saint and don’t want to know about how she’s like her mom 😇😈)

I am desperate to meet A and start being a part of her life …and terrified. What if she doesn’t like me?? But that is another reality. I definitely have myself in a bubble. Just having some major realizations right now. So big …

What our new reality could be - 

We share our kids - share time with….

I bet they’d be thrilled, but it would be necessary. That would be part of us becoming real. 

Anyway, here we are and V is in so many ways, also my kid. Difference being that I got him when he was 14. He’s 17 now. 3 years of watching him go though the highs and lows of his new life here in MN, in new schools and with new friends and girlfriends. 

O occasionally shows me pictures and videos of him when he was younger, and it makes me a bit wistful and I wish I could have known him from the start. To see him as a helpless little baby to grow into a toddler and then also see if I see the little boy in him that he sees in himself that he wanted to be. 

I’m so grateful she shares him with me so openly and willingly. She has trusted me with him from the start. What a gift! 

I love helping him do anything that he wanted to do when he was young that makes him feel like a boy. There’s just something about being able to make this kid happy that is just bringing out such joy and love in myself. 

I’m feeling so much love for everyone in my life. My heart is expanding at such a quick rate…the more I love someone, the more it expands (I feel like there’s a poem in there somewhere.) 

Yeah, right, yeah I get it now. I get what you feel, baby (B) … and I think that’s kind of the dynamic we needed for our ourselves in this relationship lol. I’m happy to be your baby too. Wait did I say that out loud?? Yes, yes I did, but really I just mean that I love how much you care for me and take care of me. I mean it just feels….I just feel so loved. It’s the best thing ever. 

V coming into my life and your  love for me B is what’s started the expansion. 

It’s like I’ve got this great big security net wrapped around my world and I can’t fail. I can’t lose. I can’t fail at life. 

That’s an incredible feeling. Everyone should have people in their life that make them feel like this, whether it be romantic or not.

Who knew that loving somebody so much like this, wanting to make sure they’re given all the unconditional love and support and created and fulfilled and satisfied is everything you know and it’s definitely different than how I love B….I mean he takes care of me and that means I can take care of V and I don’t know if that’s how it’s supposed to work, but it feels really good and I’m very grateful for experiencing both. I don’t know if any of that makes sense but I hope it does 😬

And I’m learning that being a mom means that you drive your kid around even when you’re sick because he needs to go places, wants to go places and he’s got friends to see and spend time with and his happiness comes first. 

While I’m thinking about it…I can’t wait to spend more of this un-selfishness on my man too 😬 When he lets me do stuff for for him, I love it - especially since he knows what stuff I will actually DO and won’t end up doing 😂😂 maybe that’s something I should be working on you know, more action less words, but I don’t know. 

I think there should be something to be said for knowing the people that you love and accepting them for the way they are (while still making sure you get what you need and deserve 😏)  the things that make them happy in whatever way you can …

I’m thinking about the people in my immediate circle right now the most. For example, O, what makes her happy is that, after she gets home after working three days in a row, she just needs quiet and silence. She’s always got a lot going on in her head. 

…so you know that’s the interesting part about living with somebody for so long... 

and I wonder what my love likes...so honey what do you like when you get home from work?? 

Do you like a little time for yourself but first a big long hug and kiss?? 😝 What do you want? What do you want when you walk in the door when you get home?

What can I do to ease tension from your shoulders and show you how much I love you ♥️ xo 

How do you want to spend the rest of your nights? I want to spend mine with you. 

Money Changes Everything

Since the arrival of some lost wages checks, I am totally spinning around and yet I’m paying bills and I’m getting things done but all I can see is more fixing of things and replacing of things and giving people what they want, giving my family what they want and thinking about my future and it feels really good, but then I have this feeling of guilt for having needed people‘s help for so long - yes, I’m thinking of you my love….

Though it really does feel good to give I’m finding as I help O & V get some little things they’ve been wanting to get…e.g. further proof of how amazing V is, he wanted to get his best friend some birthday presents and it didn’t cost more than 60 bucks.

I guess this is just further motivation for me just to hurry up and get a job so I can use this money for useful things instead of survival. Yeah, I don’t wanna have to use that money, that big check for the mortgage and HOA and bills…so yeah, so why don’t I think about work and finding a job instead of focusing on all this other shit??

I could start again with DSP roles since I’ve had proper training and the Red Cross CPR certificate so that’s a good thing…but find places that just serve seniors ….so senior overnight companion not a nursing assistant. 

I am asking myself is there enough engagement in that job though?? I get a lot of engagement with V and his friends so that’s something to think about… I’ve been saying I wanna work with youth, but I think the interactions I have with V and his friends actually is enough right now, so maybe I just need to tap into the part of me that really cares about people and wants to help people but just not sell them anything. 

My ultimate true desire is for people to see the good and positive in themselves. Feel as good about themselves as they could. 

So what job is that? Maybe that’s a conversation for ChatGPT! 

I’ve been doing so much thinking about this ever since quitting OP. I’m truly lucky that B is my biggest fan and I just want to share that feeling with others. 

Ha!

And I think I’m on the rollercoaster - the part of the ride that is just in front of the upward climb. 

At least I hope so. The first check came from PMA and there’s gonna be other money coming in from them and the state of MN and in various amounts and I’m gonna have to try to figure out how to get everything paid, and get a different car and make sure I save some and just get myself back on track and then stay steady for a while again.

I’m tired of the feast or famine that has been my financial life. I think I’m learning though…my first form of self discipline was practiced today and that is that I’m not going to order food even though there’s money in my account. 

See, my problem has been that if there’s money in my account, if I spend some, more money will magically appear when I need it and while there’s checks in the mail. I can’t count on it 💯 and when money doesn’t show up after all, I end up in the negative and with fees and not having enough to cover the bills…and what I have right now in the bank is for the car insurance payment. And I want desperately to order food. But I won’t. We have plenty of food here in the house. 

Self-control. Something I’ve have a problem with in regards to money …and in regards to food. But that’s another story for another time! 

But to get my head back to thinking about things I am not stressing out about, I’m so damn lucky to have the people I have in my life. You know if you have the right people in your life, you can survive anything. I feel rich in every other way. 

It’s maybe time I tried to put ALL the parts of me and my life into some kind of balance.