How on earth could I forget to be thankful for...

My brother.

I didn't mention how he came to the rescue last weekend with the extra funds necessary to get that car insurance.

He really is the best big brother EVER.

I'm truly thankful for so many people and their love and support of me.

Yes I Will

Pay $300.00 a month to never again have the thoughts of "Oh my god, I've just been in a car accident and currently have no car insurance..." and then "...my god what if they throw me in jail or what if something had happened worse than this fender bender with no apparent injuries to all parties involved?".

Car Insurance people.

Fucking car insurance. I hated that the last time I had to renew, they wanted $200 a month. So for about a year now (yes, a year) I've been gambling BIG TIME. (I've um, had a couple of other accidents in the 11 years I've been driving...but let's not talk about that (last one June '09)) "They're called accidents for a reason" "There called accidents for a reason" "There called accidents for a reason"...

It finally caught up with me. Yes, one truly does live with the consequences of their choices.

I am lying in the bed I made (as my mother would say...) (side note: you know what? I find myself saying A LOT of things MY mother said, has said to me, over the years. I never thought I'd be one of THOSE people. Hmm.)

Anyhoo...so now do I share or spare you the details? No? You're dying of curiosity? (poor choice of phrase?) Well...took PTO and left early on Saturday. (I'm being punished for all the PTO I've been taking the past couple (few?) months)

I was just trying to merge onto Hwy 62W from Hwy 77N.

Everybody. Just. Stopped.

My new 2 front tires went into action and while doing a swell job, didn't keep me from rear ending the car in front of me.

Then...see thoughts above.

Now I'll just give you some bits and bobs ...

1. They have insurance but only liability. I will be paying for the clean up of their rear bumper. Guesses on how much it'll end up being? I'm gonna throw the number of about $800 out there.

2. I will gladly pay the fines of $345 for the 2 things on the citation I received ...a. something about not driving well (but NOT the careless driving thing) -a petty misdemeanor and b. the biggie -no car insurance -which is a misdemeanor. But from what I understand from the website that represents the State of MN stuff like this, I only have to pay the fines and NOT go to court which in my mind is what my mind associates with jail (first (AND FUCKING LAST) offense helps) but I will call them to confirm. And I feel like in a way I'm getting off easy.

What if I had really injured or god forbid killed someone?

3. But fucking A. The money. I get by OK on what I make but have been so tired of feeling fucking deprived. So when that renewal came up, I thought I'd just do it for a little while, a month, a couple of months but then that turned into a year.

4. No more PTO and I'm picking up extra shifts. Fuck. Fuck. But strangely enough, tonight especially I just was really nice to everyone. Now I'm normally nice but tonight I just wasn't gonna NOT be nice. I really do truly care about our callers. And I had to say "No" and "I'm sorry that's not possible, etc." so many fucking times. I hate that. (Am I just trying to convince myself that I WANT to do this, answer these calls because I'm now gonna have to be doing it 40+ hours a week...but you know what? Forget I said that. I could have killed someone and be going to jail (?). I'm telling everyone that I'm not allowed PTO (and of course telling them all about this....the Leo in me is roaring for attention and sympathy)

5. I guess I've figured out what I think is the worst possible thing you can do in this world. Kill someone. (And it took me until NOW to figure that out? Sad or WTF?)

6. And another reason to do my job and be a responsible grown-up and stop fucking around? Really getting my financial shit together. I'm gonna owe the Saint (the fabulous has been upgraded) so much more for the rest of my life in gratitude. Having some breathing room and a continued roof over my head means the fucking world to me.

Fucking A. I really fucked up.

And I've got to get caught up on the cell and credit card bills. I HATE HATE being a month (a lousy month) behind on them. I got used to the good feeling when I paid a bill in full and on time. Addictive and oh so satisfying. I want that feeling back. (OK, OK, so it was only my cell phone bill but damn, you gotta start somewhere right? And the other ones I was keeping up with just fine)

Thank god it's now my weekend (I'm allowing myself 1 last 2 day one for at least the next 2 months if not longer)...I'm going to make sure I enjoy it.

7. And I really truly have a lot to be thankful this year and when I'm at my parent's tomorrow I'm gonna say as much -even if we aren't "celebrating" Thanksgiving. I haven't told them about this. Thought I'd get a kick of being the drama queen I've been known to be and tell them about in person.

(Oh that reminds me (and this makes me feel terribly terrible for even daring to think about something other than all of this) but I'm gonna go looking around online and see if I can find "Home for the Holidays" (Holly Hunter) and make that my new T-day movie tradition. Love that movie.)

8. I've got the greatest boyfriend in the world. While I'm sure he's disappointed in me, like everyone else so far is sympathetic, he's also so worried about me he slipped me a $50 the other morning and just held me while I fell apart a little bit. He'll make sure I still have some gas in the tank and food in the cupboard as best he can. Though I'm going to do my darndest to not need his help that often.

9. I will call the Employee Assistance Program (a courtesy of my employer and supposedly confidential) and take advantage of the legal benefit. A free 30 minute face-to-face consultation (let's hope there is someone in Minneapolis). I am scared that they might sue me or this will go beyond compensating them for the damage to their car...the traffic accident report said "1" in the "Injured" box. Fuck.

10. OK, maybe time to just NOT think about all of this for a while and just continue to be thankful that this is not worse than it is. And I will survive. And I really, again, believe that someone is keeping an eye on me.

Will I Ever Change?

It was quite the adventurous day yesterday.

I am more than ever convinced that the "big guy" is watching out for me or that I do have a guardian angel looking out for me.

Just because I've left "the religion" doesn't mean I don't have a spiritual side. I've maintained all these years since leaving it that I still believe in God and that my relationship with Him is between just the two of us. I don't need to "practice" a particular religion for it to count. And I still firmly believe that today. But I also still respect a person's right to practice, or not practice/believe however is best for them.

Anyhoo...yesterday was quite the adventure as I was saying because something finally caught up with me...

A few months ago, the right front tire on my car was in constant need of air and rather than spend the money to replace it, I just kept putting air in it. Then my brother (my big brother is a freakin' saint! But more on that later) put that stuff in it that is like a sealant but from the inside...anyway, that worked like a charm ..until yesterday. But I managed to get all the way to work AND in a parking spot before it deflated. (I used to wonder how it was people knew when something was wrong with their car just based on sound or feel but I so SO have understood that the past couple years with having the same car) ...So I get out and go look at the right tire and I can just hear it hissing and I'm watching it slowly deflate. And how freakin' thankful am I that I made it all the way to work and into a parking spot? That I didn't have it (or worse) happen while on the freeway or at the side of a road????

So I'm on the phone w/my bro right away -because he IS my go to guy for anything car related and he's totally willing, without question or giving me a hard time to not only come out to my work and "deal" with it all, he's willing to pick up new tires for me (payday is tomorrow)...

As I'm back outside to take pics for him of the flat tire and the spare in the trunk, a man walks by and stops and asks if I need help...I tell him that my brother is going to be coming out to help and he says it'd be no big deal and he could help me. So as this kind stranger, well, actually his name was John, is in the process of changing the tire, another guy comes over and makes sure that I'm OK and getting help and says he noticed stuff going on and was wondering if I needed help...how awesome is all of this?? (Um, let's not really talk about the fact that I'm 40 years old and NOT helpless and really should know how to change a bloody tire!!! :P )

Then, after work, I get the adventure of getting home.

I safely make it to the SA by my work to put some air in the "donut", I safely make it to the city streets I'm gonna take home (I now also totally will forgive slow drivers on the freeway because you know what? They might be driving on their spare "donut" tire, unable to go past 50 mph and know no other way to get home) ...and then more excitement...on my way down Hiawatha/55, I stop at McD's 'cause I'm STARVING (I didn't have any dinner) and spend my last $5 on some food and as I'm sitting in the parking lot eating, Suzette has a temperamental moment and wants to die. So I shut her off for a bit...thankfully she starts up again and back on the road we go. While I was tempted to hop onto 94W for the rest of the journey home, I take Ryan's advice (I called him and we had a chat about the situation) and stick to city streets. Now this is really going to be perilous at this point because guess what? My tank is practically EMPTY. (What the hell what I thinking? I should have spent the $5 on gas, silly woman!) ...

So I take Lake to Lyndale and as I'm driving my stomach starts to feel really really really bad. Like if I don't find a bathroom soon there is going to be a repeat of the "shit my pants" performance I had years ago when I was riding with a co-worker back and forth to a work dinner thing. (I don't know if it was the McD's that didn't sit well or the pumpkin cheesecake I had at work earlier...how long does it take for food to digest and all that..??) (Oh and there, you know now something else REALLY really embarrassing about yours truly) but then hallelujah there is a gas station on Lyndale and around 28th that I pull into that has bathrooms you don't need a goddamn key for! So I make it just in time...Whew. Anyhoo, then down by the Walker Art Center on Lyndale once again, I'm tempted to hop onto 94W but I resist and take Lyndale and get safely all the way home.

You haven't lived until you've had to drive the long long way home, on your spare tire, with a nearly empty tank of gas while having to take a shit so bad you could cry.

*Sigh*

Now I guess all of that could be attributed to luck or my not being an idiot and listening to all sorts of advice but I really think someone was looking out for me.

While my life is far from ...perfect...Somehow, I survive and things work out.

But it really does beg the question...will I ever change? And by that I mean, will I ever be a person who doesn't put things off, like getting tires replaced. Will I ever be a person who chooses to spend the last $5 I have to my name (before payday) on gas instead of food? Will I ever be a person who actually has more than $5 to their name? A person who doesn't always spend every single dime they have before the next payday? I am somehow convinced that no one else is like this. I assume everyone else is super smart and responsible with money and never gets into these kind of positions. I'm sure that's insane but there it is.

How fortunate am I that I've got these incredible people in my life who have never made me feel bad about my less than responsible ways ...that actually makes me want to be better financially because the shame I feel at being less than fiscally responsible is terrible.

I have mentioned I'm in a work in progress right?

*Sigh*

Thankfully I worked most of my hours this pay period and the check I get tomorrow should allow me to not only pay some rent but I should also be able to still get my eyes checked/get new Rx for lenses, pay Ryan back the $20 I owe him AND get some new tires for Suzette. Yahoo!

So once again, there is that feeling of someone looking out for me and it all working out because the timing of the tire stuff is NOW. It didn't happen 2 weeks ago and won't be happening in 2 weeks when both of those paychecks will be lighter than usual...

Life IS good. I just need to keep reminding myself of that when the "dark days" are here. And admittedly there have been some shadowy ones lately. I don't know if it is because of the change of seasons and that winter is officially here (SNOW!), even though it's not quite officially here yet.

You know how sometimes I copy over something that Beth/Sum of Me writes? Well I've been meaning to do that because recently she's written some stuff that really speaks to me AND once again says what I would say if I'd only known I wanted to say it as well as she did...so I'm gonna add these little gems into this post too...

"...the hibernation effect - more hours of dark, colder air, winter coming on. The bod just wants to eat and sleep and crawl into a cave." OMG so so true!!! and...

"...the creeping depression which I push back every day. (Try not to think on it. It'll eat your heart.) It's just a thing, and I suppose I'm lucky to have so much experience of hurt and things going wrong and blows to the gut and whatever else. I can easily identify now how bad it is - and isn't. I know how to keep going, one day at a time. If I've acquired no other talent in this life, i still have that. I know that you just keep slogging forward, good moments and bad, giddy and despairing depending on the minute. And every day it's a little better, so long as you don't look it directly in the face. Occasional quick darting glances in the extreme corner of your eye, that's the only way." Yup. I hear ya.

and...

"...I am embarrassingly rich in friends. To lose any one of them would be like losing a limb - including the potential for fatal hemorrhage. But I haven't forgotten that I have more excellent friends than I have limbs. And what an amazing thing that is.

In the last couple of weeks, every one of them has stepped up. Not a single one failing me when I really need a friend to act like a friend. Remember when we were teenagers, and a great friend was someone who was fun to hang out with at the mall, who made you laugh and liked the same things as you and hated the same things and kept you company in class? And all those things are still important, but wouldn't our teenaged selves be amazed at how much deeper a friendship can go as time goes on? The many ways it's tested, the times we have to give of ourselves when we think we have nothing left to give, the goodness compounded over years and erasing the little annoyances that would've killed the friendship when we were younger. I suppose it's not unlike a good long marriage, where the sheer number of years together matters as much if not more than anything else.

Anyway - I just mean that friendships - good ones that last and have real meaning - cost us something. Time and energy and chunks of our souls, in addition to couch-space when it's needed and a ride to the airport and whatnot. And my friends these last couple of weeks - they've paid the cost without flinching, eagerly. I am indebted to them, in that same currency. I am not always good at letting people be a friend to me. But otherwise, I think I'm pretty good at being a friend, myself. I hope I am, anyway."

...Yeah. What she said. While the quantity of true, close friends I have doesn't quite outnumber of the number of limbs I have, the ones I do have, the people closest to me...are worth more than their weight in gold.

Anyway, I just really wanted to share that last stuff. Wanted it to a part of this permanent record of my life that I'm creating with this blog.

Well. So enough for today. It's my day off and I'm gonna go eat something and putz around ...make some calls about tires...

ttfn.

Now November? Sheesh.

I sometimes get a kick out coming up with witty titles for these posts. And other times, meh.

Yes, meh. I've seen other bloggers/writers use that word and I LIKE it.

OK, now on to the thought that just crossed my mind and that I felt must be put out there...and gives me a reason to write something (what's up w/this only once a month or so posting? Eh...I'll maybe get into that a bit later)

It's wonderful when the love of your life says he still adores you after decades of knowing each other (or did I mean to say of knowing you?) Sigh. Big, deep, happy sigh. Love comes in so many shapes and forms doesn't it? And I'm learning -after all of these years -that love with a significant other can be so different for different people. But it all has one thing (well, one thing I can think of right now) that someone loves you for being YOU. Now of course this should also be something essential in the relationships you have with family or friends but for the sake of this post, I'm just talking about romantic love.)

The first romantic relationship(s) I observed were of course my mother and her husbands. And her family. Wait. Not going to elaborate on that after all. Sorry. But your used to that by now right? :P

And actually you know what? I'm going to stop this post here. I said what I wanted to say. For now. I thought I wanted to write a whole insightful, detailed post about love but ...not. It was a long day at work. So this is all for now.

Ciao.