So the weirdest thing is happening right now. I'm exchanging texts with my upstairs neighbor and it's awesome. I'm finally asking if I have the volume on music up too high (so far, no) and we're talking about the guy who lives upstairs in the front part of the house, who plays the electric guitar loudly (and is not the friendliest.)
I've decided tonight I'm just going to write about the things I'm doing as I'm doing them.
It's fucking cold outside and I'm so glad I'm inside, on a comfortable sofa, with warm fuzzy blankets (thanks K! She really gets that I'm a homebody. God bless her.)
I was supposed to have another NYE with M but he's "wussed out" on me this year so it's just me. And I'm going to have a really good night. I've got treats and booze. I've got internet access. And the best part???
I have the day off tomorrow.
Don't get me wrong...I really like my job (hmm, said I loved it the last time I mentioned work...hmmm) but I LOVE LOVE days off.
And now the pizza (from Pizza Luce) that I'm treating myself to is here.
Later.
Back and very full.
Random post-y thing from FB...
Some horoscope thing and 2014.
LEO - The Lion (July 23 to August 22)
Great talker. Attractive and passionate. Laid back. Usually happy but
when unhappy tend to be grouchy and childish. A Leo's problem becomes
everyone's problem. Most Leos are very predictable and tend to be
monotonous. Knows how to have fun. Is really good at almost anything.
Great kisser. Very predictable. Outgoing. Down to earth. Addictive.
Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one
to mess with. Rare to find. Good when found. 7 years of bad luck if you
do not share this post.
Love how it's all this random shit (that does and does not apply to me) and then ...BAM they have me.
Loves being in long relationships.
Bloody hell.
Well currently I'm very happy in my long time relationship. He reminded me recently just how nice it is to just be together. I like his company. I like him as well as love him (and you know how important I think that is) and after all of the years I've known him, he can still surprise and delight me.
And a song is playing that by an artist he once told me he liked...
Janet Jackson ...and how fitting the song is "That's the Way Love Goes".
That's the way love goes.
So now, to put the leftover pizza away (I didn't eat it all! Yay me.) and figure out what I'm going to do next.
I'm torn between trying to find something brilliant to do and really making this night special and significant (it's New Years Eve for gods sake) and doing what I usually do on a day off...nothing.
Or I could finally start doing some laundry...
...before I forget...this is also something I wanted to be sure to write about tonight...
The Year In Review. Part I
It's been a big year.
1. E was born and I became an aunt for the first time.
2. I moved again
3. Kept the job (for another year)
4. I've had some of the best...finished/styled hair I've ever had (and I really really need to learn how to do it myself)
5. I fucking joined the gym at work.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Reality Check.
So now having joined the gym at work, all I can think about is what my plan (and goal?) is in doing that.
In being honest with myself, it's to help me lose weight. From what I've read, that can't be the focus though...exercising and eating right are important steps but recovery from the BED has to be about self-love, self-acceptance and all that stuff.
And yet because it is partially about the exercise and eating better. I've decided that I still need to do this MY way and that is...gradually.
My fridge is full of fruit, veggies, yogurt and 12 grain bread. Along with cheese, ham and caramel rolls. And I'm going to incorporate all of those things that I consider good for me and bad for me into my meals. And I just have to eat thedamn good stuff before it expires or goes bad.
And exercising will be something I ease myself into ...not expecting too much from myself too soon.
If I "play" the movie, what I want to see is myself as a size 16/18. (And that is not a skinny person.) I see the curvy, sexy woman who enjoyed life a little bit more. That is the picture in my head but not the one reflected back in photos nor the mirror.
And I think she's in there somewhere, I think.
And I think I'm going to have call that program and go forward and get help. I have to realize that I don't have to do it alone. I have to remember that I've gotten help for things in the past and they've [usually] helped.
And I have to remember that my life is worth all of this. I have so many people to be thankful for. I've got so many things to be thankful for.
Lucky me.
In being honest with myself, it's to help me lose weight. From what I've read, that can't be the focus though...exercising and eating right are important steps but recovery from the BED has to be about self-love, self-acceptance and all that stuff.
And yet because it is partially about the exercise and eating better. I've decided that I still need to do this MY way and that is...gradually.
My fridge is full of fruit, veggies, yogurt and 12 grain bread. Along with cheese, ham and caramel rolls. And I'm going to incorporate all of those things that I consider good for me and bad for me into my meals. And I just have to eat the
And exercising will be something I ease myself into ...not expecting too much from myself too soon.
If I "play" the movie, what I want to see is myself as a size 16/18. (And that is not a skinny person.) I see the curvy, sexy woman who enjoyed life a little bit more. That is the picture in my head but not the one reflected back in photos nor the mirror.
And I think she's in there somewhere, I think.
And I think I'm going to have call that program and go forward and get help. I have to realize that I don't have to do it alone. I have to remember that I've gotten help for things in the past and they've [usually] helped.
And I have to remember that my life is worth all of this. I have so many people to be thankful for. I've got so many things to be thankful for.
Lucky me.
Friday, December 27, 2013
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Very Helpful Reading...Continued
One thing I didn't mention about that book...
9 Things You Simply Must Do To Succeed In Love and Life by Henry Cloud
is that the author is a ...believer. As in there are scriptures quoted throughout the book and what is interesting is that I didn't stop reading the minute the first one was quoted.
He made them...palatable for lack of a better word.
(I do say that while I might have left organized religion behind, it doesn't mean I stopped believing in God.)
Since I didn't finish sharing the highlights of the 9 things I thought I'd continue here, in another post as opposed to editing the other.
So where were we?
Principle 5: Act Like an Ant
When you have a great and difficult task, something perhaps almost impossible, if you only work a little at a time, every day a little, suddenly the work will finish itself. Isak Dinesen.
Why is it taking this particular chapter to drive it home to me that while I moan and groan about seeing weight loss as a mountain too high to climb that maybe I'm focusing too much on the destination and not the journey?
Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs. Henry Ford
...no successful person ever lost [thirty] without losing one. The another one. Then another.
[Sidebar: I've been toying with the idea of admitting I might need more help in this area of my life than just going it alone.
During the first appointment with the therapist, she mentioned there is this thing called The Emily Program that is for people who struggle with eating disorders.
I scoffed a bit but when reading this ...
Binge-eating disorder is characterized by recurrent binge-eating episodes during which a person feels a loss of control over his or her eating. Unlike bulimia, binge-eating episodes are not followed by purging, excessive exercise, fasting, or other behaviors to “compensate” for the binge. As a result, people with binge-eating disorder may become obese. They also experience guilt, shame and/or distress about the binge-eating—which in turn can lead to more binge-eating episodes.
There is truth in that paragraph. And my attitude toward food is fucked up. I'm obsessed with it. What my next meal is going to be. Do I have enough money for food? My life revolves around food and my desire for it. Not just as nourishment and to keep me going but always worrying about do I have enough. Making sure I eat enough to make me beyond full because unless I'm full, I'm not satisfied. And thinking that the portion sizes are too small for me.
And honestly answering the questions...
But the reality is that there is a big disconnect between what I think I look like in my head and what is reflected back when I see myself in a mirror or in pictures.
While I want to just accept myself as I am, I want the picture I see in my head and that's of myself when I was a size 16 or so. So maybe it's time I try not doing it alone or without professional support for a change.]
Principle 6: Hate Well
What we hate says a lot about who we are, what we value, what we care about. And how we hate says much much about how we will succeed in love and life.
Character is in part formed by what we hate, because we move to be different from whatever that is.
Go hard on the issue, and soft on the person.
Things that you do not like are going to happen, and you are going to experience negative feelings. The question is this: will that response be constructive or destructive?
Principle 7: Don't Play Fair
If a person with whom I had a relationship made an error or did something detrimental to the relationship, I would want to help him or her see it, fix it and do better. I would want to be a force to help raise them up, not drag them down.
Give back better than you are given.
People who succeed in life do not go around settling scores. They do not even keep score.
...turn the world and others into one of them-the kind of person who wants the best for everyone and wants everyone to do better than he or she is doing.
...not forever held up in the past, bitter, or dragged down by old hurts and grievances that are still alive in their souls. Forgiving and letting go have set them free.
Principle 8: Be Humble
Pride is concerned with who is right. Humility is concerned with what is right. Ezra Taft Benson
1. Successful people show kindness, understanding, and help to others who fail.
2. Successful people are not derailed by their own failures; they accept them as a normal part of the process.
Self-confidence and belief in yourself comes from accepting flaws and mistakes and realizing you can go forward and grow past them, and that you can learn from them.
...do at least two things very well....
1. They admit it quickly when they are wrong.
2. They receive correction and confrontation from others well.
It is really true that we do not know it all, we do not have all the answers, we do not always get it right, we are just as imperfect as the next person, and we are not right or good all the time.
Principle 9: Upset the Right People
I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure, which is try to please everybody. Herbert Bayard Swope
...do not make decisions based on the fear of other people's reactions...
...[boat] autopilot does not allow external actions to alter its course...
...kept someone happy, but they have lost their own way...if they had not been afraid of getting a little wet or plowing through bumpy water...the bump would be behind them, and the sea would eventually smooth out and return to calm. [If it did not, then there was a deeper problem in that sea of relationship to begin with, and no amount of pleasing or appeasing is likely to help.]
What you should do, and what someone's response is going to be, are two very different issues.
...and he's listed twelve steps (!) to applying the 9 things...
1. Do Not Go It Alone
2. Receive Wisdom
3. Receive Feedback and Correction
4. Find Models
5. Review Your Patterns
6. Deal with Impediments
7. Add Structure
8. Practice, Practice, Practice, and Fail
9. Change Your Beliefs
10. Quarantine Your Weaknesses
11. Put Your Vision and Goals on Paper
12. Pray, Pray, Pray
So I finished reading it and jotted down these things and now it's all swirling around in my head. I think I'll just let it all sit for a bit ....though I'm already ...pulling teeth. And I know I'll be happier once some of them are pulled.
*sigh*
And so ... Onward.
9 Things You Simply Must Do To Succeed In Love and Life by Henry Cloud
is that the author is a ...believer. As in there are scriptures quoted throughout the book and what is interesting is that I didn't stop reading the minute the first one was quoted.
He made them...palatable for lack of a better word.
(I do say that while I might have left organized religion behind, it doesn't mean I stopped believing in God.)
Since I didn't finish sharing the highlights of the 9 things I thought I'd continue here, in another post as opposed to editing the other.
So where were we?
Principle 5: Act Like an Ant
When you have a great and difficult task, something perhaps almost impossible, if you only work a little at a time, every day a little, suddenly the work will finish itself. Isak Dinesen.
Why is it taking this particular chapter to drive it home to me that while I moan and groan about seeing weight loss as a mountain too high to climb that maybe I'm focusing too much on the destination and not the journey?
Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs. Henry Ford
...no successful person ever lost [thirty] without losing one. The another one. Then another.
[Sidebar: I've been toying with the idea of admitting I might need more help in this area of my life than just going it alone.
During the first appointment with the therapist, she mentioned there is this thing called The Emily Program that is for people who struggle with eating disorders.
I scoffed a bit but when reading this ...
Binge-eating disorder is characterized by recurrent binge-eating episodes during which a person feels a loss of control over his or her eating. Unlike bulimia, binge-eating episodes are not followed by purging, excessive exercise, fasting, or other behaviors to “compensate” for the binge. As a result, people with binge-eating disorder may become obese. They also experience guilt, shame and/or distress about the binge-eating—which in turn can lead to more binge-eating episodes.
There is truth in that paragraph. And my attitude toward food is fucked up. I'm obsessed with it. What my next meal is going to be. Do I have enough money for food? My life revolves around food and my desire for it. Not just as nourishment and to keep me going but always worrying about do I have enough. Making sure I eat enough to make me beyond full because unless I'm full, I'm not satisfied. And thinking that the portion sizes are too small for me.
And honestly answering the questions...
- Do you feel like you sometimes lose or have lost control over how you eat? Yes.
- Do you ever make yourself sick because you feel uncomfortably full? Yes.
- Do you believe yourself to be fat, even when others say you are too thin? Ha. Nope, this one doesn't apply but it's the only one here that doesn't.
- Does food or thoughts about food dominate your life? Totally.
- Do thoughts about changing your body or your weight dominate your life? Yes.
- Have others become worried about your weight? Yes (even though they might not be saying anything in the face of my stubbornness and refusal to admit I need help.)
But the reality is that there is a big disconnect between what I think I look like in my head and what is reflected back when I see myself in a mirror or in pictures.
While I want to just accept myself as I am, I want the picture I see in my head and that's of myself when I was a size 16 or so. So maybe it's time I try not doing it alone or without professional support for a change.]
Principle 6: Hate Well
What we hate says a lot about who we are, what we value, what we care about. And how we hate says much much about how we will succeed in love and life.
Character is in part formed by what we hate, because we move to be different from whatever that is.
Go hard on the issue, and soft on the person.
Things that you do not like are going to happen, and you are going to experience negative feelings. The question is this: will that response be constructive or destructive?
Principle 7: Don't Play Fair
If a person with whom I had a relationship made an error or did something detrimental to the relationship, I would want to help him or her see it, fix it and do better. I would want to be a force to help raise them up, not drag them down.
Give back better than you are given.
People who succeed in life do not go around settling scores. They do not even keep score.
...turn the world and others into one of them-the kind of person who wants the best for everyone and wants everyone to do better than he or she is doing.
...not forever held up in the past, bitter, or dragged down by old hurts and grievances that are still alive in their souls. Forgiving and letting go have set them free.
Principle 8: Be Humble
Pride is concerned with who is right. Humility is concerned with what is right. Ezra Taft Benson
1. Successful people show kindness, understanding, and help to others who fail.
2. Successful people are not derailed by their own failures; they accept them as a normal part of the process.
Self-confidence and belief in yourself comes from accepting flaws and mistakes and realizing you can go forward and grow past them, and that you can learn from them.
...do at least two things very well....
1. They admit it quickly when they are wrong.
2. They receive correction and confrontation from others well.
It is really true that we do not know it all, we do not have all the answers, we do not always get it right, we are just as imperfect as the next person, and we are not right or good all the time.
Principle 9: Upset the Right People
I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure, which is try to please everybody. Herbert Bayard Swope
...do not make decisions based on the fear of other people's reactions...
...[boat] autopilot does not allow external actions to alter its course...
...kept someone happy, but they have lost their own way...if they had not been afraid of getting a little wet or plowing through bumpy water...the bump would be behind them, and the sea would eventually smooth out and return to calm. [If it did not, then there was a deeper problem in that sea of relationship to begin with, and no amount of pleasing or appeasing is likely to help.]
What you should do, and what someone's response is going to be, are two very different issues.
...and he's listed twelve steps (!) to applying the 9 things...
1. Do Not Go It Alone
2. Receive Wisdom
3. Receive Feedback and Correction
4. Find Models
5. Review Your Patterns
6. Deal with Impediments
7. Add Structure
8. Practice, Practice, Practice, and Fail
9. Change Your Beliefs
10. Quarantine Your Weaknesses
11. Put Your Vision and Goals on Paper
12. Pray, Pray, Pray
So I finished reading it and jotted down these things and now it's all swirling around in my head. I think I'll just let it all sit for a bit ....though I'm already ...pulling teeth. And I know I'll be happier once some of them are pulled.
*sigh*
And so ... Onward.
Friday, December 20, 2013
Very Helpful Reading.
I came across this book while browsing books on the library website and borrowed it, thinking, hmm, OK and it turns out it's ...really good.
And I'm finding myself wanting to ...practice what it preaches...
9 Things You Simply Must Do To Succeed In Love and Life by Henry Cloud
A Psychologist Learns from His Patients What Really Works and What Doesn't
And I'm feeling inspired ...more than I am by having seen a therapist twice now (well, this time around.)
And I feel the need to document, in writing, the 9 things ...so here goes:
(Deja Vu People)
Principle 1: Dig It Up
There is no shortage of things in life that can cause you to bury your heart and soul
...Your job is to dig it all up and then do one of two things: sow it or throw it away...
Principle 2: Pull the Tooth
Facing things that truly are negative and either fixing them or figuring out that they they can't be fixed and letting them go.
Either the {dental work} is done or the teeth are pulled. Either the broken car is fixed or the tow truck is called. Either the movie channels are watched or they are canceled.
...anything that is negative...either working on it and not allowing it to remain negative ...or realizing that there is no hope and moving on.
Successful people do not hang on to bad stuff for long
Let it go. Move on. Pull the tooth.
Wishing vs. hoping.
Principle 3: Play the Movie
What will happen in the end?
The future will come. ...Three years from now...That date is coming period. It is not optional. Three years from now will come and you will be alive. I repeat, The three years is not optional. It is going to come and pass. You will be here. ...and since that day is going to come three years from now, on that day do you want...to still be hating your life?
...The movie is not optional , but where its plot-line goes is.
Principle 4: Do Something
Doesn't matter what the cause is...if it rains, you didn't cause that...but it is your head that gets soaked if you don't come in out of the rain or open up an umbrella...
It does not matter whether they think they are to blame or not. They will ask themselves, What can I do to make things better?
Principle 5: Act Like an Ant
Principle 6: Hate Well
Principle 7: Don't Play Fair
(hmm, I haven't gotten this far yet.)
Principle 8: Be Humble
Principle 9: Upset the Right People
(Becoming a Deja Vu Person)
☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯
And right now I'm making a list of my current financial obligations. I need to look them straight in the eye and deal with them.
I may not be able to deal with all of my ...issues right now but I could deal with one of them and by getting these bills paid, I can breathe a bit better (OK, so maybe the therapy is helping too. So far there's been a lot of talk about breathing and being here in the present.)
So Stay Tuned. Apparently it's time to Get My Shit Together time again.
And I'm finding myself wanting to ...practice what it preaches...
9 Things You Simply Must Do To Succeed In Love and Life by Henry Cloud
A Psychologist Learns from His Patients What Really Works and What Doesn't
And I'm feeling inspired ...more than I am by having seen a therapist twice now (well, this time around.)
And I feel the need to document, in writing, the 9 things ...so here goes:
(Deja Vu People)
Principle 1: Dig It Up
There is no shortage of things in life that can cause you to bury your heart and soul
...Your job is to dig it all up and then do one of two things: sow it or throw it away...
Principle 2: Pull the Tooth
Facing things that truly are negative and either fixing them or figuring out that they they can't be fixed and letting them go.
Either the {dental work} is done or the teeth are pulled. Either the broken car is fixed or the tow truck is called. Either the movie channels are watched or they are canceled.
...anything that is negative...either working on it and not allowing it to remain negative ...or realizing that there is no hope and moving on.
Successful people do not hang on to bad stuff for long
Let it go. Move on. Pull the tooth.
Wishing vs. hoping.
Principle 3: Play the Movie
What will happen in the end?
The future will come. ...Three years from now...That date is coming period. It is not optional. Three years from now will come and you will be alive. I repeat, The three years is not optional. It is going to come and pass. You will be here. ...and since that day is going to come three years from now, on that day do you want...to still be hating your life?
...The movie is not optional , but where its plot-line goes is.
Principle 4: Do Something
Doesn't matter what the cause is...if it rains, you didn't cause that...but it is your head that gets soaked if you don't come in out of the rain or open up an umbrella...
It does not matter whether they think they are to blame or not. They will ask themselves, What can I do to make things better?
Principle 5: Act Like an Ant
Principle 6: Hate Well
Principle 7: Don't Play Fair
(hmm, I haven't gotten this far yet.)
Principle 8: Be Humble
Principle 9: Upset the Right People
(Becoming a Deja Vu Person)
☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯
And right now I'm making a list of my current financial obligations. I need to look them straight in the eye and deal with them.
I may not be able to deal with all of my ...issues right now but I could deal with one of them and by getting these bills paid, I can breathe a bit better (OK, so maybe the therapy is helping too. So far there's been a lot of talk about breathing and being here in the present.)
So Stay Tuned. Apparently it's time to Get My Shit Together time again.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
My Mother Has Four Noses
I just got home from treating myself to a "night out" ...I bought myself a ticket to see my favorite singer, Jonatha Brooke perform a show to she wrote about her mother. It was at the Guthrie and it was ...wonderful.
My Mother Has Four Noses
Three Septembers ago I moved my mother to New York. She was in the
mid stages of Alzheimer's. I had no idea what I was getting in to. But
there was no question I would be there for her. We had quite an adventure - my "real life" on the back burner, my
"career" all but halted. But our very vivid, very "real" life together
was, at times, great theatre.
Mom was a character. In fact I've always thanked her on stage for all the good material (she's right! As a long time fan, having seen her in concert, she sure did!) Ironically, in her last two years, she found her best audience ever - Me. She was funny, she was impossible. My only instinct: write it, sing it, tell it. It was her instinct too: Almost daily she would say, "Boolie, (my nickname) "That's good! are you getting this down? We should make a play out of it!!"
Well I was getting it down. "My Mother Has Four Noses" is what came of it: A play and a new album of the songs that weave in and out of the telling...."
I had no idea what kind of night I was in for and it was...brilliant and heartbreaking.
This is what a message I sent to her (via FB) ...written on the long bus ride home from Minneapolis to St. Paul.
Hi. Long long time fan writing to say thank you for ...well, sharing yet another piece of your heart and soul with the world. I was at the performance tonight, Tuesday, at the Guthrie and much as I wanted to stay after I let the prospect of the journey home (to St. Paul via several buses, at night, in winter) propel me out the door the minute the lights went up. I wanted my mother to come with me to see this and I really wish she had. She's a writer and poet and larger than life personality and while she isn't suffering from dementia or Alzheimer's she has several serious medical issues related to congestive heart failure and type 2 diabetes on top of the disability of her equilibrium being gone for several decades now (long story) ...anyway... She's been in the hospital over a dozen times over the last couple of years and so much of what you shared was so...spot on in describing the highs and lows, the joys and pains of dealing with the reality of an aging mother who you love so much. Watching them fight what is happening to them and the things they are doing to make sure they leave their mark on the world outside of their children (my mother is currently rewriting her first novel) is both exciting and heartbreaking. I cried tonight...at times trying not to sob and interrupt.... So anyway, again, thank you for sharing. All of that I now realize you have already shared bits and pieces of in and through your music all of these years and adds extra layers to what I already loved. I hope this show is put on DVD at some point because I would love to share it with my mother. Thank you again.
...
So just another significant moment in my life that I'm needing to ...share and make sure I never forget about.
Jonatha has been my favorite singer for probably about 20 years now (OMG, yes, apparently 20 years now) and at times her music has been the soundtrack to certain parts of my life.
Here are the lyrics to a couple of my favorites...
Because I Told You So
If I gave you the sky
If I laid down my life
Would you believe me then?
If I promised to change
If I carried the blame
Would you believe me then?
Could you see it like me
And believe what I see
Could you listen, and remember that I love you
Only, because I told you, because I told you so.
If you told me you lied
But I stayed true and tried
Would you believe me then?
And if your beauty was gone
But my love lingered on
Would you believe me then?
Could you see it like me
And believe what I see
Could you listen and remember that I love you
Only,
Because I told you, because I told you so.
You take the wheel for now
I'm too tired to drive this one home anyhow,
For now
And when you mention my name
Let this one thing remain,
My love,
Believe me now.
and
Everything I Wanted
So this is how it feels to be happy, to find real true love
To be wanted, to be real
We throw away the rest of the past, every small broken thing
We find new things that will last
And everything's the same but my name
And I have everything I wanted
For a change I'm not ashamed
And I have everything I wanted
It's another gorgeous day in Miami, I am missing you
Can you hear me, are you real
Never home for long we are passing in our dreams at night
But we send signals we can feel
And everything's the same but my name
And I have everything I wanted
For a change, I'm not ashamed
And I have everything I wanted
We make do, we get by
We don't know how or why
We lose track, were we happy?
Could we take anything back? If we could,
Would we try?
And every single day I am grateful, I hold my heart in my hands
And I love you, this is real
And everything's the same but my name
And I have everything I wanted
For a change I'm not ashamed
And I have everything I wanted
For a change I'm not the same
And I have everything I wanted
For a change I'm not to blame
and I have everything I wanted
Not ashamed, everything I wanted
Not to blame, everything I wanted
For a change, everything I wanted
not ashamed.
I could copy and paste lyrics all night but I think you get the point. Deep, meaningful lyrics that speak for me. Say things I didn't know I wanted to say.
And on that note, I'm going to put myself to bed now, with her songs singing me to sleep.
Goodnight.
The PLAY
My Mother Has Four Noses
Mom was a character. In fact I've always thanked her on stage for all the good material (she's right! As a long time fan, having seen her in concert, she sure did!) Ironically, in her last two years, she found her best audience ever - Me. She was funny, she was impossible. My only instinct: write it, sing it, tell it. It was her instinct too: Almost daily she would say, "Boolie, (my nickname) "That's good! are you getting this down? We should make a play out of it!!"
Well I was getting it down. "My Mother Has Four Noses" is what came of it: A play and a new album of the songs that weave in and out of the telling...."
I had no idea what kind of night I was in for and it was...brilliant and heartbreaking.
This is what a message I sent to her (via FB) ...written on the long bus ride home from Minneapolis to St. Paul.
Hi. Long long time fan writing to say thank you for ...well, sharing yet another piece of your heart and soul with the world. I was at the performance tonight, Tuesday, at the Guthrie and much as I wanted to stay after I let the prospect of the journey home (to St. Paul via several buses, at night, in winter) propel me out the door the minute the lights went up. I wanted my mother to come with me to see this and I really wish she had. She's a writer and poet and larger than life personality and while she isn't suffering from dementia or Alzheimer's she has several serious medical issues related to congestive heart failure and type 2 diabetes on top of the disability of her equilibrium being gone for several decades now (long story) ...anyway... She's been in the hospital over a dozen times over the last couple of years and so much of what you shared was so...spot on in describing the highs and lows, the joys and pains of dealing with the reality of an aging mother who you love so much. Watching them fight what is happening to them and the things they are doing to make sure they leave their mark on the world outside of their children (my mother is currently rewriting her first novel) is both exciting and heartbreaking. I cried tonight...at times trying not to sob and interrupt.... So anyway, again, thank you for sharing. All of that I now realize you have already shared bits and pieces of in and through your music all of these years and adds extra layers to what I already loved. I hope this show is put on DVD at some point because I would love to share it with my mother. Thank you again.
...
So just another significant moment in my life that I'm needing to ...share and make sure I never forget about.
Jonatha has been my favorite singer for probably about 20 years now (OMG, yes, apparently 20 years now) and at times her music has been the soundtrack to certain parts of my life.
Here are the lyrics to a couple of my favorites...
Because I Told You So
If I gave you the sky
If I laid down my life
Would you believe me then?
If I promised to change
If I carried the blame
Would you believe me then?
Could you see it like me
And believe what I see
Could you listen, and remember that I love you
Only, because I told you, because I told you so.
If you told me you lied
But I stayed true and tried
Would you believe me then?
And if your beauty was gone
But my love lingered on
Would you believe me then?
Could you see it like me
And believe what I see
Could you listen and remember that I love you
Only,
Because I told you, because I told you so.
You take the wheel for now
I'm too tired to drive this one home anyhow,
For now
And when you mention my name
Let this one thing remain,
My love,
Believe me now.
and
Everything I Wanted
So this is how it feels to be happy, to find real true love
To be wanted, to be real
We throw away the rest of the past, every small broken thing
We find new things that will last
And everything's the same but my name
And I have everything I wanted
For a change I'm not ashamed
And I have everything I wanted
It's another gorgeous day in Miami, I am missing you
Can you hear me, are you real
Never home for long we are passing in our dreams at night
But we send signals we can feel
And everything's the same but my name
And I have everything I wanted
For a change, I'm not ashamed
And I have everything I wanted
We make do, we get by
We don't know how or why
We lose track, were we happy?
Could we take anything back? If we could,
Would we try?
And every single day I am grateful, I hold my heart in my hands
And I love you, this is real
And everything's the same but my name
And I have everything I wanted
For a change I'm not ashamed
And I have everything I wanted
For a change I'm not the same
And I have everything I wanted
For a change I'm not to blame
and I have everything I wanted
Not ashamed, everything I wanted
Not to blame, everything I wanted
For a change, everything I wanted
not ashamed.
I could copy and paste lyrics all night but I think you get the point. Deep, meaningful lyrics that speak for me. Say things I didn't know I wanted to say.
And on that note, I'm going to put myself to bed now, with her songs singing me to sleep.
Goodnight.
Friday, December 6, 2013
Work Friends
Today I was feeling some love for some of the people I work with.
We work in teams and as I'm getting to know my team members more, the more I like them. I mean I already thought everyone was OK, but this is more than that. We're all so different...at different places in our lives from each other and yet, we come together to do this job. And we respect each other. And we all help each other out.
N (soon-to-be-divorced mother of 3, tall, blond, blunt, insightful, funny, strong woman in her sexual prime) was making me laugh (see text from 06Dec) and I was missing P's (wife, mother/step-mother, grandmother, long time employee, surrogate big sister) calming presence, it struck me that they are just as important to me as my dearest friends out of work (R & K, I...) and it's because they all truly let me be myself. They care about me and listen to me.
And I'm so thankful for them. I tried to share this video with just them on FB on Thanksgiving, but I don't know if any of them saw it (and I'm afraid to ask anyone other than N) so maybe I'll just put it here. Here is where I want to "put things on the record."
So without further ado...here is a dedication to a very special bunch of people in my life.
(Note: I looked up the lyrics for this song and then debated about if it really was the right song to express thanks for being accepted for myself ... and they weren't quite right but the sentiment is spot on and simple.)
Thank you for letting me be myself.
We work in teams and as I'm getting to know my team members more, the more I like them. I mean I already thought everyone was OK, but this is more than that. We're all so different...at different places in our lives from each other and yet, we come together to do this job. And we respect each other. And we all help each other out.
N (soon-to-be-divorced mother of 3, tall, blond, blunt, insightful, funny, strong woman in her sexual prime) was making me laugh (see text from 06Dec) and I was missing P's (wife, mother/step-mother, grandmother, long time employee, surrogate big sister) calming presence, it struck me that they are just as important to me as my dearest friends out of work (R & K, I...) and it's because they all truly let me be myself. They care about me and listen to me.
And I'm so thankful for them. I tried to share this video with just them on FB on Thanksgiving, but I don't know if any of them saw it (and I'm afraid to ask anyone other than N) so maybe I'll just put it here. Here is where I want to "put things on the record."
So without further ado...here is a dedication to a very special bunch of people in my life.
(Note: I looked up the lyrics for this song and then debated about if it really was the right song to express thanks for being accepted for myself ... and they weren't quite right but the sentiment is spot on and simple.)
Thank you for letting me be myself.
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Life is a Rollercoaster
"Life Is A Rollercoaster"
Hey baby you really
Got my tail in a spin
Hey baby I don't even
Know where to begin
But baby I got one thing
I want you to know
Wherever you go tell me
'Cause I'm gonna go
[CHORUS:]
We found love,
So don't hide it
Life is a rollercoaster,
Just gotta ride it
I need you,
So stop hiding
Our love is a mystery
Girl, let's get beside it
Hey baby, you really
Got me flying tonight
Hey sugar, you almost
Got us punched in a fight
(That's all right)
And baby you know one
Thing I gotta know
Wherever you go, tell me
'Cause I'm gonna show
[Repeat chorus]
Can't you feel my heart?
Can't you feel my heart?
Can't you take my heart?
[Repeat chorus]
So don't fight it,
Fight it, fight it
[x3]
♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡
Just got off the phone with my mother...and she almost sounds like herself again. We've survived another medical... drama.
She wanted to ask if I'd received the pages she sent me. She wrote a book decades ago (on a typewriter no less!) called "Predictions". A fictional story based on her friends and herself when she was a teenager and young woman.
I remember reading it years ago and it was good. She has decided now is the time to finish her unfinished work. She's having to type it all again because she wants it "on the computer" and is also rewriting as she goes.
She wants my notes and feedback on what she's done so far. That my opinion really matters to her I've never doubted (this is not the first time she's wanted it on anything she's written) and it's nice to know she thinks I'm as smart as I am. :P
While my mother may have her health issues, she is still who she is and that is a writer. She's had some poetry published and written 3 books, including this one. Maybe someday one of her books will get published too. I would hope that for her.
I'm glad she's finding things to keep her motivated to keep taking care of her self and doing things that make her happy.
☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯ ☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯
Spent some time with R/K & E last night. I love that little guy. I'm really looking forward to watching him grow up...though not too fast. There is so much to learn and look forward to. The first time he recognizes me, the first time he speaks (where do they learn "NO" from?), the first time he crawls and walks.
I'm getting ahead of myself though aren't I? Right now I'm just hoping in the near future I get to babysit. So the next time we get together I want to learn what I would need to do in order to take care of him if I spend the night and let them get some sleep. I've got changing a diaper down...so now I just need to know the feeding schedule.
While I'm quite confident in my abilities to take care of him, it was nice to hear last night when R expressed his pleasure with my interactions w/E. Them being able to trust me with him is very important. And they can.
I already know there really isn't anything I wouldn't do for them, for him.
Hey baby you really
Got my tail in a spin
Hey baby I don't even
Know where to begin
But baby I got one thing
I want you to know
Wherever you go tell me
'Cause I'm gonna go
[CHORUS:]
We found love,
So don't hide it
Life is a rollercoaster,
Just gotta ride it
I need you,
So stop hiding
Our love is a mystery
Girl, let's get beside it
Hey baby, you really
Got me flying tonight
Hey sugar, you almost
Got us punched in a fight
(That's all right)
And baby you know one
Thing I gotta know
Wherever you go, tell me
'Cause I'm gonna show
[Repeat chorus]
Can't you feel my heart?
Can't you feel my heart?
Can't you take my heart?
[Repeat chorus]
So don't fight it,
Fight it, fight it
[x3]
♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡
Just got off the phone with my mother...and she almost sounds like herself again. We've survived another medical... drama.
She wanted to ask if I'd received the pages she sent me. She wrote a book decades ago (on a typewriter no less!) called "Predictions". A fictional story based on her friends and herself when she was a teenager and young woman.
I remember reading it years ago and it was good. She has decided now is the time to finish her unfinished work. She's having to type it all again because she wants it "on the computer" and is also rewriting as she goes.
She wants my notes and feedback on what she's done so far. That my opinion really matters to her I've never doubted (this is not the first time she's wanted it on anything she's written) and it's nice to know she thinks I'm as smart as I am. :P
While my mother may have her health issues, she is still who she is and that is a writer. She's had some poetry published and written 3 books, including this one. Maybe someday one of her books will get published too. I would hope that for her.
I'm glad she's finding things to keep her motivated to keep taking care of her self and doing things that make her happy.
☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯ ☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯
Spent some time with R/K & E last night. I love that little guy. I'm really looking forward to watching him grow up...though not too fast. There is so much to learn and look forward to. The first time he recognizes me, the first time he speaks (where do they learn "NO" from?), the first time he crawls and walks.
I'm getting ahead of myself though aren't I? Right now I'm just hoping in the near future I get to babysit. So the next time we get together I want to learn what I would need to do in order to take care of him if I spend the night and let them get some sleep. I've got changing a diaper down...so now I just need to know the feeding schedule.
While I'm quite confident in my abilities to take care of him, it was nice to hear last night when R expressed his pleasure with my interactions w/E. Them being able to trust me with him is very important. And they can.
I already know there really isn't anything I wouldn't do for them, for him.
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Noire
She'll be 2 years in 2 months! Time flies!