Duh!

So another good thing about FB is the getting back in touch w/people you knew in high school.

I've recently gotten back in touch w/this [girl] Victoria (Vicky) who was one of the few people in school I was fairly close to. We've been exchanging emails, catching up on each others lives and she recently asked me if I would be interested in going Kayaking.

After I wrote this part in my reply to her, a big DUH! kicked me in the ass...

"I think Kayaking sounds fun! To be honest, no one asks me to do physical things and I'm sure it's because of my size AND the fact that I'm not known to get so physical in my activities (besides the occasional bowling) and I actually would love to get more physical stuff going in my life...but with people that would be REAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLY patient w/me. ...Thanks for asking!"

It occurred to me that while I sort of mentioned this in a post last year, I never really elaborated on it.

And then in just a few sentences, BAM. I say what I'd want to say about it. So there it is.

(I, you've already mentioned you're up for this so cool...now I just have to actually take you up on it don't I?!!)

So I just recently learned a new "trick"...wanna see it?

☮☻♥❀❄❣☺

AND

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How fucking awesome is that?

Now I can add a little zip to these posts! Woot Woot! (And thanks for that too Fabulous!)

☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯

I got to spend some time w/my honey tonight. Thank god. I was telling the fabulous that it was just nice to be able to connect with him (words to that affect) and I really truly mean it. There is something to be said for just spending time with those you really care about.

I've been reminded of that a lot lately, especially in spending time with D, R (and B)... I think I take my friendships for granted sometimes as I'm hiding out playing hermit. Thank goodness my friends hang in there with me. I love 'em all to death for that the most. Kidding! (or as B would say, or R would say..."no, you're not" ...or am I?)

Now only 1/2 my weekend over and tomorrow is gonna be a total "me" day.

Onward. With plans to add another list to this blog...based on the cards I like from the pack of "52 Things to Try Once In Your Life" that my manager gave me as a prize for being the first person to sign up for my April call review/1:1.

Happy Birthday Ryan!

So my "little brother" is 30 today.

Did the pub crawl w/him and the gang last night. It was a great time, even though I had my reservations at first...not being the most sociable or comfortable w/strangers so much these days (years). (Work is COMPLETELY different...)Thankfully I hung in there and got to help celebrate his birthday the way he wanted to.

I met Ryan about, 8 years ago I think. We were both working at a credit union in Fridley. I don't quite recall how it is that we started talking but talk we did because it turns out he was -at that point -a JW and was thinking about leaving it because he was wanting to pursue a relationship w/someone who wasn't. This combined w/his being generous enough to give me a ride back and forth to work (and out for lunch) for a while when I lived in Uptown and without my own transportation turned our acquaintanceship into friendship.

I've been able to give him a post-JW perspective throughout the years as he's continued to grow into being the great man he is and is going to be.

Oh sure, he's a grown-up, done grown-up things, but like most JW's, is still innocent and naive about how this crazy world works. I say naive w/love. When you live a very sheltered life, live in bubble like you do when you're a JW, it can be a tough transition to be suddenly out in world you were warned strongly against...living in. He's done his share of fuck-up's but he's also learning from those mistakes just like the rest of us.

He's had quite the ride the last couple of years as he's dealing with a lot of changes in his life but he stays positive and optimistic and still keeps on keepin' on.

When we really started to become closer friends, I felt this huge sense of relief that I had found friends I could truly be myself with ..I was already me and they didn't know earlier versions of me (aka REALLY fucked up) and we just ...were... with each other. I have lost a few close friends over the years and making new friends was tough but this happened and it's been one of the best things to happen me in the last decade.

He gets that I have to have my "me" time but isn't afraid to poke me out of doing the hermit thing.

I always enjoy hanging out with him and really should do it more often. He's a great person to do anything and everything with. Chill nights w/movies, playing cards, eating good food or going out on the town or bowling...he's up for any of it. And he keeps introducing me to really great people...and though I don't talk to some of them so much anymore, they remain close to my heart.

He's so easy to be with. (And y'all know how important that is w/my "drama queen" tendencies!)

I'm looking forward to seeing him continue to grow and learn and be the best he can be.

Happy Happy Birthday my dear friend. I love you.

And then once again, all is right with the world

What a difference a couple of days (and pills) can make.

Got an emergency supply of my "happy" pills while waiting for the prescription to be filled.

But I think what's made me feel better, a thousand times better, is that I got together w/Diane on Friday morning and did the pub crawl w/Ryan and co. last night.

Getting up earlier than usual was tough on Friday but I managed and off to Mickey's Diner on West 7th it was. Pancakes, coffee and great company. What more can you ask for?

Diane has known me since I was 11 years old. I had to ask her what she thought about what the hell happened to me/my life...and simply by talking it out and sharing the latest dramas, I really do feel a thousand times better. I'm looking forward to our next get together and Chinese food. (Will it be as good as Bill's? We shall see)

I've been alone too much lately. I know this. Now I just need to try to not do that again.

Then Saturday, last night, after work, out to the pubs w/Ryan, his roommate Mark (have I ever mentioned his roommate? No? Well all I will say is that I have a big time crush on him and when I've had some alcohol I turn into a right brazen hussy...but it's all in good fun! He's got a nice girlfriend (um, yeah, I'm aware of a certain pattern of mine that's developed over the last decade or so... :P ) and I've got B) and some of their other friends/family. I spent some time chatting w/his aunt Lisa, who is this awesome lady who is closer to my age. I love when you have an instant connection with someone you just met and you so get each other and have a lot in common. Ryan just keeps on introducing me to great people.

It was fucking fantastic. It shouldn't have felt strange to be out and about with a bunch of other people but it was. It's like I've forgotten what it's like to get dressed up, go out and just be in the world.

So now...as is my newer custom, onto a post about the birthday boy.

Onward. Composing post in head about Ryan...

Oh and isn't THIS one perfect right now?

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

You might be tempted to put a siren and flashing lights on your car—everything feels like an emergency lately. However, could it be that you're inflating the seriousness of these situations a little too much? Take it down a notch, and stop expecting people to pull over and get out of your way just because what you're up to feels like a crisis to you. It's really not that big a deal in the grand scheme of things, and forcing people to treat it as such would mean that they might not get out of your way when a real catastrophe occurs. Chill out and slow down this week.

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Majorly bummed because once again, I'm not seeing B this week. He's had too many bombs exploding this week and I know this intellectually but emotionally, I'm a wreck.

With all my feelings of ...ick...I miss him and how he alternately gives me an ego boost and puts my life in perspective. I also know, intellectually it's not his responsibility to make me feel better about myself and my life, but it sure feels damn good when he does!

I also, FINALLY called in to get my Rx refilled. It's about bloody time! Maybe it's not really been the wisest idea I've had to think that I can live without it. Apparently, I need all the help I can to keep me feeling positive.

Oh well. I've got things to look forward to, this weekend, there is breakfast w/Diane tomorrow (it's been way way too long since we've gotten together!) and then on Saturday is Ryan's 30th birthday party/pub crawl. I've put in a BDY request and that goes to the top of the list for time off requests -above vacation and have yet to see it clear. It would be nice if I could have the day off to start the celebrating at the beginning with him. Otherwise, I'll just have to be content to meet up with them, wherever they are by the time I get off work.

Onward. Back over to FB to check up on my many games.

TGIF and...

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): I have compiled a set of four affirmations that I think will keep you on the right track in the coming weeks. Try saying them at least twice a day.

1. "I am cultivating Relaxed Alertness, because that will make me receptive to high-quality clues about how to proceed."
2. "I am expressing Casual Perfectionism, because that way I will thoroughly enjoy being excellent, and not stress about it."
3. "I am full of Diligent Indifference, working hard out of love for the work and not being attached to the outcome."
4. "I am practicing Serene Debauchery, because if I'm not manically obsessed with looking for opportunities to cut loose, those opportunities will present themselves to me with grace and frequency."

(freewillastrology for this week. Excellent!)

Broken record much?

I really must have too much time on my hands because sometimes my thoughts go a wanderin' down those twisty, winding, confusing, dark paths that I mentioned in my previous post...

Usually I'll jump off that path and hole up somewhere w/my many distractions of books, TV and FB games until the urge to continue down that path passes but lately, that's not really working all that well.

My latest, current, obsession is ...actually right this minute trying not to throw up. Weird. But I did just totally scarf down waaaaaaaaaaay too much spaghetti/meatballs followed by a big bowl of vanilla ice cream. And I've been so good lately w/mostly having "serving size" portions ...I've been doing good for months! And then tonight, the self-control I've been practicing went right out the window.

OK, throw-up crisis averted. Sure, maybe I might have felt better had I done it, but I really really really (did I mention really?) hate to throw up. (Yeah, I know, nobody likes it...) anyway, so where was I?

Oh yeah, the drama queen was about to make a brief appearance. So we're only given our one life right? (Unless you believe in reincarnation and all that jazz) And lately I'm [still] obsessed with why I am the way I am and my life is the way it is. The choices I've made (or not made) and if I shouldn't have made different ones. For example, my relationship. It works for me, for the most part/most of the time, but I feel like there is something wrong with me that it does work. (Way more highs than lows) The thing is, is that I didn't dream about having a husband and kids...all I wanted was to be loved deeply and passionately by someone and never looked beyond what would happen beyond that.

And then I start to worry that I am getting so set in my independent ways that I wouldn't be able to be a true partner to B, or to anyone should the opportunity rise. (Actually, wait, I know this last part is crap because living w/the fabulous has and is as true of an example of how to live with someone as living w/a significant other is ...the sharing of a home and with all that it entails with caring about what makes the other person happy with mostly good results...but w/out the sex! :P And, man, I hope I get this lucky if I do ever live w/who I'm having sex with...)

Every day it crosses my mind that turning 40 is really now on the horizon (I do like that it is a lovely round, even number) and not just a distant thought. I guess with it being the beginning of a new decade for me, I've decided (!)to throw myself wholeheartedly into the whole “The unexamined life is not worth living.” (Socrates) thing.

And then THAT leads to

making me think about how selfish and self-absorbed I'm being. And then THAT leads to thoughts about why am I not volunteering somewhere for some cause...

So you see why I am going a little crazy right? Yup, really must just be too much time on my hands.

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It's a little bittersweet right now, because I've got a purring pussy on the bed w/me. Sebastian, the cat that "belongs" to the fabulous has gotten comfortable enough w/me lately to come up, hang out and sleep. And he's adorable, especially when he's sleeping. I still miss my baby, Louis. Maybe in honor of the thought of him, I'll wear my necklace tomorrow....

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I wonder if anyone else ever obsesses over all of this? I can't be alone in this can I?

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I'm beat. It's about 1:30am and it was a long day. With the volcanic ash disrupting international flights, today was no picnic at work. And with hundreds of flights canceled this weekend, it's only gonna make things all the more challenging when weekend callers are already annoying idiots!

OK, yeah, I know that's not very nice to say that, but I swear, weekend callers ARE the worst! They don't know what they want and love to complain more than the weekday/night crowd (yes, it IS possible :( ) Sheesh. That's stinkin' thinkin' though and I suppose I ought to "nip it in the bud." Maybe this weekend will be less painful if I have a better attitude..in spite of the canceled flights mess.

So enough. For tonight.

Onward. With gratitude for a place to express myself,

Bleh.

Not feeling very inspired to write lately. Life is carrying on as usual. Nothing new or exciting to report...oh, except for the fun I had w/Ryan and his roommate/friends the other night when there was much consumption of beer.

Other than that, just feeling ...blah. Can't even get excited about food. Tonight my dinner was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a glass of milk.

Am feeling just...unsettled. Bored? Maybe a little bit. No date w/B tonight and just like last week when we didn't get together, I feel slightly relieved because it means I don't have to leave the comfort and safety of my little nest. (We did have a "breakfast" on Tuesday and that was nice) But on the other hand, I am a bit sadder this time around because now he's going to be out of town starting tomorrow and not back until the 18th! :(

Maybe this isn't the time to be going off of my "happy" pills but I ran out of my last prescription and have yet to call the Dr. for a refill. I think I thought that maybe it was time to quit, but I'm beginning to think maybe not. Maybe I should just resign myself to the fact that they adjust the chemicals accordingly and that needs to stay constant.

OK, OK, I will call the Dr.'s office in the morning.

I was able to keep the blahs away for most of the day w/finishing up the latest novel by one of my favorite authors, Marian Keyes. "The Brightest Star in the Sky". Bloody brilliant read from her as usual. A little bit of heartache, heartbreak but then a happy ending. Then afterward, killing time while waiting to find out if I would see B. Then dinner and now...what? Maybe I'll find something to watch. I can only kill so much time on those silly, yet absorbing Facebook games.

Another week ahead of work. Oh goody. Continuing to put up w/a job I hate...I wouldn't hate it if it weren't for the pressure to keep my talk time low and calls answered per hour high. Everyday is a battle and it's just really wearing on me. So why don't I just do something about it already??

This can't be IT. This can't be all there is to my life. I keep feeling like I'm waiting for something to happen but I don't know what. And I know, intellectually that I should be in charge of my life and making things happen not waiting for them to happen to me but ...I'm trapped in my own ...what? I don't even know what word I'm looking for.

How on earth do people get motivated and stay motivated to things like work full-time and go to college? To date and not give up on their search for love w/someone who is 100% available? To be sociable and hang out with their friends?

Sometimes I think a certain friend of mine had the right idea when she faced some of her shit head-on instead of dancing around it. But then again, that would mean saying that the choices I've made in my life and the way I live life is wrong and that's not what I mean at all.

Oh sure, there are things in my life where there is a lot of room for improvement but for the most part, I really have a great life.

So, I believe I've said this before in a previous post...what the fuck is my problem?

Maybe it's just too much time on my hands.

Or maybe one day I'll wake up and be the complete opposite of my current self. A person who works out, who goes to college. A person who volunteers. A person who wants more from their relationship than the occasional date. A person who yearns for a husband and kids. A person who always wants to be with other people.

Sometimes, and only sometimes, I get so into my head and thinking about all of this shit that it makes me really sad because I start to think I'm not good enough and really fucked up and I can feel myself going there...so I will do what I have learned to do when that happens and put the brakes on and think about lovely things like TV shows to look forward to (new episodes of "Bones", "Fringe", "Supernatural" and soon "Glee") and that tomorrow is payday again thank goodness.

So enough for now, for tonight.

Onward. With an eye toward finding something to watch online to take myself out of my head for the rest of the night.