Money Changes Everything

Since the arrival of some lost wages checks, I am totally spinning around and yet I’m paying bills and I’m getting things done but all I can see is more fixing of things and replacing of things and giving people what they want, giving my family what they want and thinking about my future and it feels really good, but then I have this feeling of guilt for having needed people‘s help for so long - yes, I’m thinking of you my love….

Though it really does feel good to give I’m finding as I help O & V get some little things they’ve been wanting to get…e.g. further proof of how amazing V is, he wanted to get his best friend some birthday presents and it didn’t cost more than 60 bucks.

I guess this is just further motivation for me just to hurry up and get a job so I can use this money for useful things instead of survival. Yeah, I don’t wanna have to use that money, that big check for the mortgage and HOA and bills…so yeah, so why don’t I think about work and finding a job instead of focusing on all this other shit??

I could start again with DSP roles since I’ve had proper training and the Red Cross CPR certificate so that’s a good thing…but find places that just serve seniors ….so senior overnight companion not a nursing assistant. 

I am asking myself is there enough engagement in that job though?? I get a lot of engagement with V and his friends so that’s something to think about… I’ve been saying I wanna work with youth, but I think the interactions I have with V and his friends actually is enough right now, so maybe I just need to tap into the part of me that really cares about people and wants to help people but just not sell them anything. 

My ultimate true desire is for people to see the good and positive in themselves. Feel as good about themselves as they could. 

So what job is that? Maybe that’s a conversation for ChatGPT! 

I’ve been doing so much thinking about this ever since quitting OP. I’m truly lucky that B is my biggest fan and I just want to share that feeling with others. 

Ha!

And I think I’m on the rollercoaster - the part of the ride that is just in front of the upward climb. 

At least I hope so. The first check came from PMA and there’s gonna be other money coming in from them and the state of MN and in various amounts and I’m gonna have to try to figure out how to get everything paid, and get a different car and make sure I save some and just get myself back on track and then stay steady for a while again.

I’m tired of the feast or famine that has been my financial life. I think I’m learning though…my first form of self discipline was practiced today and that is that I’m not going to order food even though there’s money in my account. 

See, my problem has been that if there’s money in my account, if I spend some, more money will magically appear when I need it and while there’s checks in the mail. I can’t count on it 💯 and when money doesn’t show up after all, I end up in the negative and with fees and not having enough to cover the bills…and what I have right now in the bank is for the car insurance payment. And I want desperately to order food. But I won’t. We have plenty of food here in the house. 

Self-control. Something I’ve have a problem with in regards to money …and in regards to food. But that’s another story for another time! 

But to get my head back to thinking about things I am not stressing out about, I’m so damn lucky to have the people I have in my life. You know if you have the right people in your life, you can survive anything. I feel rich in every other way. 

It’s maybe time I tried to put ALL the parts of me and my life into some kind of balance. 

Happy Birthday B

Happy Birthday My Love

Another year older, another year of surviving lots of changes, of ups and downs, and you’ve gotten through them and stayed yourself through everything. 

When your mother delivered you, I bet she had no idea of the kind of man you’d grow up to be and I think she should really be proud of the man you are.

You have the biggest heart. You really care about the people in your life and want to help them and do things for them and make their lives easier and that is such a wonderful quality. It’s just one of the many reasons I love you as much as I do.

I think your family takes you for granted, but I hope they also appreciate all of the things that you do for them as a brother, an uncle, a son, a nephew and especially as a father. You give so much to everyone and if you hadn’t come into this world, I think we’d all feel like there was something very important missing. I know I would. 

When you think about what it takes to create a human being in the first place - the miracle of life - and then what it takes for a good man to grow up in the family that you grew up with, there’s a lot that could have gone wrong but you came out of it being a good person and that takes a lot of strength and bravery and fearlessness. Just knowing that you want to do the best for the people in your life is one of your many wonderful qualities. 

You deserve every happiness and love and appreciation. 

Human beings aren’t just one-sided beings. When we’re born, we’re a blank slate and growing up, we get to decide who we’re going to be and I love how you’ve grown and changed and evolved as a man, including how you’ve changed throughout the course of our relationship. 

I appreciate how hard you work to make me happy. It’s a gift that I don’t take for granted. I love how you tell me and show me how much you love me and I’ll say it again, I’m so glad you were born because I don’t even want to think about what my life would be like if you weren’t in it. 

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. 

My birthday wish for you is that you get what you want out of life, experience more contentment and joy than ever before and really know and feel how much you are loved. 

I love you truly, madly, deeply.

Xoxo 💋♥️💕

Betsy part I

AKA Life w/out Betsy

It’s been days since I’ve driven her. She’s just been sitting in the garage, resting. I’ve been told that she should be put out to pasture, but I’m fighting it hard. She’s been such a good car, probably the best car I’ve ever had, even better than Suzette. Well, maybe it’s a tie between Betsy and Suzette. I’ve had them about the same amount of time and the work that they needed was kind of similar actually from a financial standpoint…so OK so that’s also reminding me that I’ve survived this before. I’ll survive it again. 

There’s a new car for me out there to love and to take good care of me and family while we drive around town getting back-and-forth to school and work and errands and not being trapped here at home …though it’s kind of a nice trap sometimes ….but it’s also been really great for us to have two cars  —— helps a lot when there’s a kid in the mix. 

And part of the reason I’m gaining weight back is that I’m not doing any of the physical activity I was when driving’s  I need that stair workout, it helps! 

     I really hope this new med works and the side effects are less terrible! 

So here we are halfway through March and the job at Opportunity Partners didn’t work out and I’m back to a just one, this unpaid leave from Dragonfly …

I’m supposed to be getting the first check any day now…though yeah I was totally right frame in my head in quotes “check is in the mail” …quotes being the code for - ha ha you’ll be lucky if you get it! 

And there’s supposed to be more eventually.

In the meantime, need to find a new job -  companion, not caregiver. 

Need to find a new car,

I need to get back on infusions (which means first I need to pay off my co-pay past due balance) which means I need to get some money, real money cause 

I also need to pay the March mortgage and the March HOA fee…

*sigh* 

so that’s the state of Sam at this particular moment in time.

And it’s HIS birthday tomorrow. And for the first time ever (or at least in over a decade) I’m not prepared at all and it’s the day before and what the fuck am I gonna do???? 

So it’s either gonna be (thank God for) DoorDash and delivery cause I could find a card and something and have it delivered tomorrow (not asking for today while there’s a blizzard going on…not without giving a super big tip which would eat into the funds I have) …

Hmmm so now to think about or research….go the traditional route or do a birthday post here in the blog…

Share my thoughts and feelings about his being born with the world this time instead of just keeping between us. 

Speaking of that, somebody recently asked how many people read it and I said I don’t know …but that there was somewhere I could look …from the last time I looked I have more than just one reader and so if you are one of the people reading this, well thank you! ♥️♥️ 

I know I don’t post a whole lot but what is posted feels important enough to me that I want it to be documented and ….

And who are we kidding, it’s also another way of “hearing” myself talk about me 😂😂😂😂

But seriously, I just need a place to express myself and do another thing I love, which is writing. 

Before I stop for today, question…to have more coffee or not?? My home cold brew concoctions are really quite tasty.

Onward and upwards.