Right on!

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

Sometimes it feels as if your internal shine is so radiant that you can't help but attract people to you. However, remember that most of that glow is what's reflected back at you by the people you surround yourself with. The adoration of a handful of friends is a lot more flattering than standing alone in a spotlight. The spotlight is trash and should never be courted. Your friends, however, are gold—and no effort should be too great to let them know how much you love them. Their affection will make you happier than a spotlight ever could—and glow brighter, too, though that's hardly the point.

A nice horoscope to end 2009 with 'eh? From Seattle Weekly.

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So in like 12 hours I'll be at the airport getting ready to head to NY, then off to Madrid. This is crazy I tell you, just crazy. Especially since only just decided to really do it, make it happen like 3 days ago.

I'm pretty much packed, just have to add a few more clothes that are in the dryer right now, add some more music to the ipod and ....

oh yeah, finish the latest "Dexter" novel so I can return it on my way out of town (it's already overdue...whoopsie!)

I think Louis knows something is up because he showered my comforter and top sheet with "love" of the bad kind. Bad kitty. He only does stuff like that when he's upset with me...yeah, he's old and not eating so much but he's still been making it to his litter box. (Yes, freshly cleaned...) ...oh well. What can I do? Nothing. Just more laundry.

Actually, now I have to pee myself so I will just close this here. I would be tempted to bring the laptop with me, but I'm only going to be gone a few days and I really don't want to have to lug it around....

Anyhoo, wish me luck with my flights and that I actually get home on Monday.

End with a BANG!

I'm so pooped I barely have enough energy to write but write I will. So much going on the past week or so...hmm, let's see...the last time I posted was the 22nd, which was about a week ago I guess...

Work was INSANE over last weekend due to all of the snowstorms and blizzards across the country. It was even so bad for us here that they offered hotel rooms near work last Wednesday for those who had to work Thursday. I don't normally work Thursdays but since picked up a co-workers shift, I went ahead and took them up on it. (Let me tell you though that I was going a bit stir crazy without my beloved laptop!) So between my sleepover at B's on Tuesday night and the hotel on Wednesday night I wasn't home for a couple of days. Thank goodness Jen the Fabulous was here to check up on my baby.

Friday, Christmas, had me taking Shanna to the airport and then over to spend the day with the family. Not the most perfect day (mother opened the visit up with telling me that she was upset because I never call or visit and she misses me! Thankfully we got through that and had some nice mother/daughter time later) but it was good to be with family. We watched the new "Star Trek" movie and then ended up watching "Last Chance Harvey". Apparently my parents are fans of that movie too.

Then home to treats galore courtesy of Jen the Fabulous. Not to mention the most awesome (and only :P) Christmas present...a scented candle in a really cool earthenware thingamabob (dish? bowl?) that I'll be able to reuse should I ever bring myself to burn this candle...and yummy chocolate/coconut/marshmallow treats.

Not getting a day off to stay in my pjs though has been an adjustment. I've forgotten what it's like to just go go go. I've managed to have at least a little bit of that the past couple of months and not having that time just makes we want and appreciate it all the more.

Then of course more work, bad weather and incidents involving NWA flights. Hoo boy! Then another sleepover w/B that didn't go as well as the first one. Apparently I needed to wake him up ask him about the snow plow I heard and ask if my car would be safe, then later to tell him his stomach was growling! Poor guy was grumpy in the a.m. and it was interesting to see him that way. I went back over there last night to hang out for a bit and we chatted about that. He's got a point that I've never seen him grumpy before yesterday. Why I got so bent out of shape that he was grumpy...I guess I just wanted him to have been so happy to have the extra time with me, the pleasure of my company for more than a few hours that it would be worth any ...inconvenience. But let's face it. We live in the real world and neither of us are young. We're not old but we're not in our 20's!

It's always interesting to see how the realities of situations live up to my expectations.

So then the huge decision today that if my time off requests get approved, then I AM going to go to Madrid! Hell, even if they don't get approved, I'll beg some co-workers to cover my shifts and go! I need to do this. I need an adventure, even if it's to a destination I never planned on going to otherwise (have so many others on the list first) and really can't totally afford.

So I'm pooped. Have a lot to do in a couple of days...laundry, clean the cat box, get more canned food for Louis (he eats!), figure out what to pack for the few days I'll be gone, get Jen important phone numbers, tell my bank about being overseas, get cash, get shifts covered, get my stats up the minimum for the month (in like 1 day!), return an overdue library book (the latest novel about our friendly serial killer "Dexter"), send off cards overseas, get a b-day card for Tanya and send that off as well...and on and on and on.

But you know what? It's around 2a.m. and I'm going to really go to bed soon. I mean it. Really. I know you don't believe me but I am. I swear it.

Just have to pee and ....?

ttfn.

Doh!

I'm never going to be anyone other than who I am and live a life different than what mine is.

That's not a bad thing at all. I'm finally starting to understand.

See, I'm not sure exactly how I thought my life was supposed to be but I never thought it was going to be...this one I've got. So I think that maybe I've not been paying the most attention to the everyday details and definitely not enough to my family and friends.

So the upcoming new year is on the brain and I'm starting to think about the year ahead. I do love the idea of a "fresh" new year...it's like a fresh start. We get to hit the "reset" button (...now why don't we do this just whenever?) And things that are reset are things that can be on ongoing thing. No need to freak out when fail or fall short...um, hell, I hope I'm making sense.

It's been a long few days and more to come this week. I agreed to work for a co-worker on the 24th. (Co-workers who are begging for the 25th are out of luck from me...I need a day off! (You know how cranky I get when I work too many days in a row!) )

But it's not an entirely without joy week for me. A certain someone (and a half) is going out of town and there will be sleepover(s). Yay!

Moving on...then Friday I take Shanna to the airport. I'm waffling big time on whether to go or not. With all the of storms we had this past weekend and people not being able to travel when they were scheduled for, it has me thinking do I really want to gamble with not being able to get back to work myself when I'm supposed to. Maybe I just leave my fate up to the gods and see what happens. The only thing is that I might have left it too late to get my confirmed flights in and out of NY. Ben was stuck there again! . Silly boy but a gambler! I admire his balls. Going to NY this time of year!

Man, can't believe Christmas is this week. I want to pick up a couple of things for a couple of people but am being lazy. Maybe that's the real reason I don't really celebrate. What a hassle when it's cold out to have to go and buy stuff for people. Then again, that's another excuse. I'm fairly savvy at the online shopping thing.

Had a good weekend last weekend. Picked up Shanna from work Thursday night and we chilled out at her place for a bit which was fun (she's got a wonderfully comfortable couch...I miss having a big, soft, comfy couch to hang out on!) and then Friday was hanging out with a couple of special people. Bless them both for being willing to hang out with me and each other at the same time. ('Nuff said about THAT) and we watched some good flicks. "Four Christmases" and "Julie and Julia" (or is it "Julia and Julie"?) Then we played some "Little Big Planet" which is a blast (especially when you are playing with people who let you tell them to stop being mean and give you positive feedback! Uh, guess I should work accepting constructive criticism a wee bit more) (have you played it? It's so cool!) and there was lots of yummy food. Bill's chinese food really is the best in town.

So Louis is hanging in there. Not throwing up as much, still eating, though still not as much as he used to, still drinking water and doing his business in the cat box. He is still affectionate and able to jump up and down off the bed so I'm not worrying about him as much right now. But yeah, he's an old man. Scotty was remembering around the same year as me as to what year he was born. So [our] boy is around 16/17 years old.

Is it awful that when that horrible, fucking horrible day comes that I hope it's like he just goes to sleep and doesn't wake up? No pain. Just peace. Fuck. Gotta change the topic now because just thinking about this is too much right now.

Ahem. OK.

Well, not really much else to say right now. Just keep on keepin' on for this chick.

(You know I really wanted my mom to be reading this...my mom the writer (amongst other things) but I think I swear too much so I hope she isn't!)

Facebook friends can be pretty awesome (too.) I had more to say about this but have lost my train of thought, so will just leave it at that.

---

Was telling the roommate tonight about how I liked some silver tinsel she had draped in the dining room and that it reminded me of when we did celebrate Christmas when I was a child. There was tinsel and a real tree and mom making candles out of our used crayons and of course presents....

Good memories those. I really missed it something fierce the first year we didn't celebrate. (Stop me if you've think you've heard this [one] before) and if I remember correctly, I was a total brat.

But it was that we never had a lot of money and Christmas was about getting presents...stuff. As I got a little bit older, too old for toys, it was still cool because it was still new stuff...even if it was only new clothes.

I didn't really think about what it was supposed to be symbolizing. It was just about the presents. And the extra yummy food. And getting together with all of my aunts, uncles, cousins and the grandparents who were both still alive at that point. Eating Lefse, swedish meatballs, turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, pie...oh so much yummy pie. (Pausing a moment to go and get a snack now. Just kidding. Will do that after I'm done with this post. :P )

Little did I know the adults were all smoking, drinking and drugging (pot, prescriptions, etc.) their sorrows away and that terrible things were locked up into closets that my mother would finally bust the lock on when I was in my early 20's. Oooh the scandals and evils!

But the years passed and forgiveness soothed some souls but things were never the same again. A few years after my grandma died, grandpa re-married (nice lady, who also preceded him in death, how sad is that?) and there was a small reunion of sorts at the wedding and reception. Then, a year or so after that, we all got together for a family reunion that brought my aunt Mindy down from up near Alaska in Canada ...then it took the death of my uncle Herman, a few years ago, to bring the family back together again. Then the death of my uncle Philip. And then the death of grandpa was what brought Mindy down again. And it'll take the death of the other siblings to bring the rest of the family together again. There was just no going back to the way things were for everyone.

So I'm just choosing to think fondly upon the family get togethers that I saw through my young and mostly innocent eyes.

So back to where I was before I went off on that tangent...parent's got into the religion and we stopped celebrating Christmas and that was a big deal because it meant no more of those get togethers (they kept going on without us of course for another few years, until my grandma died) and no more presents...

You know what? I think I've just decided to forgive myself for being a brat and angry about the discontinuation of our celebrating it.

I hated being poor and having to buy clothes from thrift stores. (Little did I know that one day, when I was grown up, that some of my current favorite clothes would come from a consignment shop!) and I hated never having enough stuff like my friends did. (Then again I always coveted my friends possessions starting around age 6 or so...story for another day perhaps?) and then when I was old enough to start earning my own money, I was really great at spending every dime I earned almost as fast as I earned it (gee, THAT actually has changed has it?) ...I needed stuff! I could pay for it, so I bought it (whatever it was)

Well...ahem...moving on. So when I left the religion for good, only about 17 years ago or so, I made a new world for myself, made a new family and yet, celebrating Christmas again never seemed that important.

I admit I also never a made a big deal out of it because I was either too poor (or too cheap?) to be able to buy presents for everyone I'd want to buy presents for.

But I've participated in Secret Santa exchanges and got a thrill out of that...so whats my deal?

In reflecting on all of this, it actually occurred to me that I am still given gifts all the time from my family, friends, B and the universe.

I've got a roof over my head that actually feels like my home, a job, a car that runs, great friends, food in the cupboard and I'll say it again, so much love in my life.

So should I really celebrate Christmas? Well, if I decided to make a big deal about it, I still wouldn't be doing it for the reason you're supposed to be doing it for. Christ was not born December 25th (this has been supported by the world NOT inhabited by Jehovah's Witnesses, thank you world) ...I would be doing it for all of the non-religious reasons...but then again, the things that I associate with Christmas also include the watching of the Charlie Brown special (actually did I mention that I watched this again recently...and saw it differently than I did as a kid...another case of child vs. adult view...e.g. those kids could be mean...and they were all such little adults...and...and...and...); Frosty the Snowman; Rudolph, etc. I don't know that I would get a real tree though...I'm quite content with my Farmville tree...

I would enjoy the cookies and other yummy treats. And yes, I would enjoy actually giving real gifts to people. (Seriously, people, what would you want????)

<- <-

Well, um, maybe this year, they're just gonna get my love because I've got to hang onto some cash in case I can get to Madrid. Actually the flights over look OK right now...it's the ones back home that worry me. But I'll see if I can't get a couple of days off around that time, to have a safety zone. (And as long as the car keeps running and the cat keeps on livin'...)

Eeek. It's 4am already and even though it's "Friday", I should think about winding it all down. Right? Right.

nighty night.

Feeling helpless part II

Oh what a crazy few days its been.

Having to deal with the cold/snow, cars that won't start (but thankfully did) and an aging cat that is losing weight and not eating a whole lot AND trying to decide if I should do the crazy thing and go to Madrid after all when I don't have a whole lot of money to spend has worn me out. I am also dealing with some leg pain but I'm hoping that it's just temporary...

But what can I do but just keep trying to make the best of bad situations? I just gotta keep taking life one moment at a time and hope that the decisions I make will be the right ones.

---

Oh, this is funny though...

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate and wine in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

I love that. I have seen that sentiment before but had forgotten about it until I was reminded via an email from Kim. I thought here would be a good place to have for me to look at whenever I wanted.

ttfn

Feeling helpless

Because of course its always about me.

Some people in my life, multiple people, are going through some tough times right now. And there is nothing I can do to help any of them.

Yeah, I know there is listening and being supportive but it just doesn't feel like enough. I suppose that is vain and/or arrogant of me to think that I could solve any of their problems and ease their pain and sorrow isn't it.

I just want to not see them unhappy. Not that one should be happy all the time but life is hard enough and we all need each other.

I know we learn to appreciate the good because of the bad and we learn things about ourselves and become stronger by surviving lifes ups and downs but sometimes enough is enough.

We all fuck up. We all have our insecurities. We all are just trying to do our best to not hurt the ones we love. We all deserve to be loved, trusted and respected.

I know I am so lucky right now with my life. I am not quite sure how I got here but I do know I didn't do it alone. There is a cast of amazing people around me and I'm so grateful for their friendship and love. I hope they know how much I care.

B tonight -without knowing about any of the troubles amongst my friends -said to me that I should be there for my friends and be showing them my love and support. How did he know? (He has said - in all seriousness -that he's a little bit psychic...I believe him...e.g. he told me years ago that he saw me in a "sporty" red car and one night last year he went to Home Depot near my work -during a time we NEVER got PTO -because he just had a feeling I might be getting off work earlier than usual and would be able to meet up...OK, OK, I know those things don't necessarily mean he is psychic but c'mon, you gotta say that the guy is intuitive right?) Anyhoo...he made a good point.

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Tomorrow is my Sunday :( then back to the grind. Gonna hang with a buddy and just relax. After I drag my butt outta bed and do a load of laundry and tidy up my room a bit.

Well, OK, bye for now.

Whew.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): I bet your relationship life will be a source of revolutionary teachings in 2010. Adventures in intimacy and partnership will draw you into some highly educational fun and games. You will be invited to dramatically expand your understanding of the nature of commitment. You will also be asked to dig deeper to discover your real desires, which up until now have been partially camouflaged by more superficial longings that were grafted onto you during the darker days of adolescence. How should you prepare for the interesting tests of the next 12 months? How can you get yourself in shape to earn the demanding gifts that will be within reach? Now is an excellent time to start thinking about those questions.

(freewillastrology/City Pages for this week)
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Thankful I survive the drive home tonight (first significant snowfall of the season)...why do I live in this state? Oh yeah, 'cause the other 9 months of the year are OK and all those I love are here.

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Random grumbling - Duvet covers are a pain in the ass.

Things I'm grateful for right this minute

*that once again the dryer did NOT eat any of my socks

*my car is still running despite it leaking some kind of fluids (yeah, yeah, it's on the list of things to be taken care of...soon)

*an awesome roommate

*my old, cranky, kitty is still kickin' it

*my family and friends

*my facebook fellow farmvillers, cafe worlder's and yovillers

*a roof over my head, food in my belly and love in my life

Woo hoo

Had an AMAZING night w/B last night. Went out to Mystic Lake Casino and met a friend of his. The casino part wasn't the amazing part. It was quiet, smoky and just surreal (I don't go to casinos) and there was no gambling by any of us whatsoever. It was her birthday and we just had dinner. (Her husband was out of town and she was treating herself to a night out, going to play/gamble after we left) It was being with him, meeting a friend of his and then being with him until 1am that was awesome. I think it's important to like who you love and like spending time with them and I'm lucky that that is the case w/him. Er, you know what I mean right?

Now today, it's not even noon yet and I'm awake. Tired and wanting to go to back to sleep but not sure I can.

At some point I do have to get up and run some errands (payday! payday! payday!) but then the rest of the day is MINE. As much as I adore my friends, last week I had stuff going on both of my "days off" so this time around, one of my days off is totally for me.

---

I decided against Amsterdam, mainly because I didn't want to deal with the hassles of getting from there to Madrid. Actually not so much as a hassle but just more than I want to deal with on this trip. Then again, if Scotty gets back to me re: the text I sent him about spending New Year's Eve in AMS, well, I will rethink it but for the time being, I'll just focus on Madrid.

I managed to deal with going to England on fairly short notice and with not a ton of money, I'm sure I can handle this too.

Now if only I could find another pair of perfect pants! Irma gave me this really great pair but they're more on the dressy side. So I went ahead and got leggings...even after getting hemmed they're a bit too long (yeah, I guess I could just get them hemmed again couldn't I? But I need another pair anyway) and not quite what I envisioned wearing with my shorter skirts and such. So then I got a capri pair of leggings and they are way too short. Then I went ahead and picked up a pair of yoga type pants, in hopes they'd be a good casual pant but they are flared and I don't know how I feel about that...but at least I have a better idea of the length of an inseam that works for me...around 22'.

Ah, so the perfect casual pant/legging hunt continues.

I did finally get a great pair of black slip-on shoes. They cost me a pretty penny but I know they're worth it.

I know this shopping has got to stop at some point but for the time being, it's kind of fun and I'm buying necessary items. As long as I keep working my full 80 hours every pay period, I'm going to take advantage of that little bit extra of money and replace the ill-fitting, worn-out, torn or just in bad shape things in my closets and drawers. Then maybe I'll get around to saving some of that money up...I know, I know, I should be doing that now but there are things I need. (Want? No, need)

Well, it's now about noon and I think I will go ahead and get up. Throw on some clothes and get the errands done now so that I can relax the rest of the day.

Crazy, impulsive, must be mad

So with Shanna probably getting married during her upcoming trip to Madrid, and I probably flying over for it, to be with her (because by gum I'm going to be there for a good friends wedding for a change! Yes, D, I'm talking about you!) I've just had the wild and crazy idea to incorporate a trip to Amsterdam into the mix. I've been saying for years that I'd like to go there and if not when I'm headed over to that part of the world, then when? The timing sucks though because of the holidays (if people can't get flights w/out using more miles or higher fares what about those of us non-rev'ing?) I just may have to go for it...but I'll have to see if it's NW or DL that would/could get me from AMS to MAD. If it's KL then how do I do that? Is it a ZED fare? I have some homework to do during my weekend don't I?

And it's finally the fucking weekend.

Work went by pretty quick for a change...I actually asked to be one of the floor support people for a new class of Reservationists (all employees who lost their job because of the merger!) for 3 nights this past week. It's fun and terrifying at the same time. Fun when you can help someone with something you actually know and not so fun when they confront you with a call you've not encountered before aka you don't know what in the hell to advise them...

Actually I think it was little nuts of Michelle (the woman who instigated my doing this) to ask me to help. What the fuck do I know? Well, I know more than I think I know and a hell of a lot more than what I knew right after training. So I guess that counts.

Anyhoo, back to this AMS idea. To do list:

1. How to get from AMS to MAD
2. Where to stay (if even? Maybe just pull a SFO?)
3. Get time off of work
4. Money. Money.

If anyone were to go with me, I don't think they'd be coming w/me to MAD. I think they could just fly back to the states...unless they wanted to stay in AMS for however long they wanted...

======

Anyhoo, it just occurred to me to write a little bit about some of my favorite co-workers.

I'm chatting with one of them now, Kenrie. Her, along with Ben and a couple of others are some of my FB "game" buddies too. Actually I'm too tired to really get into it right now but trust me, they're cool. E.g. Kenrie always has painkillers, lotion and spare change when I'm just that little bit short of cash for the vending machines and Ben is the massage master extraordinaire...he knows how to work the hump at the back of my neck that holds all of my tension (and these are just a couple examples of what I'm talkin' about!) I'm just happy that I have great people to work with because they are what help me get through the day.

Ah well OK lots to do before I figure out what's going on this weekend. Later.

Gratitude

So it's a little after 8pm and I'm nearing the end of my final shift for the SPCO. I'm a little sad but mostly relieved that after tonight this particular source of stress will be eliminated from my life. Granted, it's been an easy job for me (compared to the FT job) but something had to give.

I am getting to take a personalized name tag to have as a souvenir. (Well who else will ever need it since it's got both my first AND last name on it!) I'll consider it my parting gift (since there was no other fuss made...not even a card!) and a small, physical reminder of this chapter of my life.

---

Lunch at my parent's yesterday was actually fine. There was no guilt or blame or arguments. It was actually nice to see and spend time with the 'rents and bro. Yes, my mother is having more challenges with her health but she's not at deaths door as it seems to have been implied. She's developed arthritis in her knees and is probably going to have surgery for it next year but other than that, she looks good and was in good spirits...and then Pop was in a good mood and even willing to play a game of Uno (or Parcheesi, our other family game) but sadly, I had to go off to work. Bummed about that because finding him to be in the mood to play a game has been rare the last couple of years. We'll just have to try again December 25th.

In re: to my aunt, apparently, according to the 'rents, Sally misunderstood what they said and there was no intention of them NOT talking to her ever again.

Oh the drama of it all!

(And we wonder where my own dramatic tendecies come from...can't believe it took me until now to really have that "a-ha" moment and put it all together...)

So after a yummy lunch of baked ham (mmm, leftovers) off to the airline I went. It was super slow. Last night I just enjoyed relaxing and having a night to myself. I got caught up on several episodes of TV that I've been meaning to catch up on like the past 2 new episodes of "Bones".

Today, mellow day.

I'm wondering if I should write any "bye and take care" notes for anyone here...nah. I said everything I needed to say to the people I needed to say it to so...

Man, I have to pee but I might as well wait until I log off the phone and am on my way out...only 6 more minutes! I can hold it that long can't I?

OK, now I'm just babbling about nothing important so I think I can just wrap this post up.

ttfn.

Oh, though shouldn't I reflect upon all of the things I'm thankful for? But I'm thankful for everything and everyone in my life so maybe I'll just leave it at that.

Sometimes there are things you can't undo.

Like telling a support desk person "I fucking quit" ...in the business world, this is not kosher (as I learned from the Cuna Mutual job because now I am remembering that this is one of the things that led to them letting me go. I had forgotten about that.:( )

Why tonight? Why did I snap? because I/we say "no" and "I'm sorry" so many, many times during the day and when I/we have an opportunity to fix something and have a satisfied customer ...when I/we CAN solve a problem, well, when it doesn't go my way, I get cranky.

OK, cranky is an understatement. I have a temper and I really should do something about finding healthier ways to express it.

Today was just one long, terrible call after another. Just shit calls. some nice people but shit calls.

I'd love to beg off going to the parent's house tomorrow now that I've picked up 4 hours for a co-worker who was whining about having to work on thanksgiving, but I won't. I'll be a good girl and go. then I can see how they really are, how mom really is.

Another bit of "OMG is this woman just frickin' reading my mind or what???"

I was finally catching up some of the other blogs I read and came across this awesome paragraph from Beth.

"The thing is, as I bopped about a new town and found my way along unknown streets and hunted for places I'd read about - I liked my life, at that moment. A lot. I liked that me, who can find her way in a place where I know no one, nothing. Nothing but unknowns around every corner. Where my only mission is to see things - find this bus, know which street is next...and it will take you to a certain place...An adventure with only my wits to guide me. I felt very familiar to myself, and dear. It's been so long since I've been that. And I came back and I didn't want to stop being that person who could honestly say to herself, every minute: I can do this. I'm certain I can do this. Not a doubt in my mind."

See, she went to San Fransisco and that was just a little bit of what she had to say about that...(so far...I am working my way through her posts chronologically...)

And the thing is, is that I took myself to San Fran a couple of years ago for a night. I was motivated by the fact that an author I admire was going to be speaking at a bookstore in Berkeley about a book that she wrote/put together that included something from yours truly.

Yup. Moi'. The book is called "The To-Do List. From Buying Milk to Finding a Soul Mate, What Our Lists Reveal About Us" by Sasha Cagen.

(I'll get into the whole thing about how my contributing to this book came to be some other time)

Suffice it to say that at that particular time in my life, I felt like having an adventure, a travel adventure, where I took myself out of my little world and saw more than my own backyard. My trip to San Fran was definitely one of the most challenging trips I've taken by myself. I prepared well and yet still was overwhelmed (but in a good way!) for the reality of having to find my way around the city and the various districts. I took the BART (the subway), the MUNI (the streetcars, light rail and cable cars) and buses around all through the night and into the next day. I had to find my way from one destination to the other with only my notes and some maps to help. I managed to get myself from the airport all the way into the city and out to Berkeley, then back to the city and then onward to several areas of the city including the Richmond District, the Castro District and Haight District.

It is terrifying to be in a strange city and having only yourself (and the kindness of strangers who will point you to the right corner to stand on to catch the bus/trolley/cable car) to rely upon. But I did it! I got myself to most of the places I wanted to go and it felt amazing to know I could take care of myself in a new environment.

I'm way overdue for this kind of experience again. I guess I'll have to start thinking about where next to go on another solo adventure. (Solo is best. You only have yourself to worry about or get mad at if you get off track or get a little bit lost)

So see? Another thing that Beth wrote that had me just speechless because of capturing words I didn't even know I wanted to say until I read them.

Way cool.

Messed up and/or TMI

Sometimes I want to walk away from my family...no, scratch that, my mother for good.

I got a call at 7am this morning. Waking me up out of the deep sleep I had finally fallen into. It was my Pop. Responding to an impulsive message I left the other day, asking if we were going to be getting together Thursday. He said he left me 2 messages (that I never got so either he's calling the prepaid number or my voice mail isn't recording all of my messages or ?) and was calling so bloody early 'cause he knew he'd get a hold of me (little did he know I usually have the phone on silent so I DON'T get these fucking early calls that wake me up) ...anyway, "yeah, sure, come on over but I'm NOT cooking a turkey!" "OK, that's fine" (and it really is) Is it strange that I have no craving for the usual turkey day fare this year?

But I'm dreading going over there because if my mother starts in on me about car stuff, I'm going to have to leave or lose my temper.

Why is it that I'm not allowed to not be human? Why did the car stuff have to be such a big deal? I was taking care of everything that happened...maybe not in the timeliest of fashions but I wasn't about to dump the responsibility in her lap for my mistakes. It's like there was no trust that I wouldn't let anything bad happen to her [on account of my actions.]

And then there is the refusal to talk to my aunt. I don't want to get in the middle of it but I can't help it. To make a long story short, my parents have grown weary of their advice NOT being taken...but I'd like to see them uproot their entire lives with a million and one health issues and no support (well outside of "rah-rah, you can do it" support from thousands of miles away)...I mean seriously...unless they tell me they have offered to fly down, pack her up and bring her up here, I'm not buying it.

Yeah, I know my mom is getting old and her disability is affecting her more and more as she ages...I didn't know about the arthritis (per my aunt) but that's no reason to give up and throw in the towel. Yeah, aging sucks but what is the alternative?

And shall we get into that my aunt said some very disturbing things in an email that I read today. About my grandpa. That he was an abuser too. I just can't believe that. It has to just be the ramblings of a fucked up woman (and I mean that with love...) ...

Nope, I'm going to choose to remember the good and that he was the greatest grandpa and that he loved me unconditionally all of my life and never did anything to cause me pain (other than dying!)

Man, my mother's family is so fucked up. Despite the years passing and supposed forgiveness ..it is just messed up. This family of my mothers will never all be together in the same room again...unless its for another funeral...and even then, I wonder....

I'm supposed to go over there on Thursday...oh, I mentioned that already. I'm just nervous I guess. Who knows how I'm going to find my mother. From what Pop and the aunt say, not so great. Between my own guilt (but I shouldn't have to feel guilty/guilty anymore..the car is mine! Just got the actual title yesterday in fact!) and her moods...

AND then between the melodrama of the stuff with my aunt and my mothers self-absorption with her health and my inability to handle the realities of her aging and deteriorating health, I avoid her and that makes me feel like I'm a terrible daughter.

I know it isn't easy but you either suck it up or die right? (No dying allowed!)

I get it though. She was such a vital woman! Even after she became disabled she didn't let it stop her from living life as fully as almost anyone else. My mother...the artist, the writer, the singer...frankly, for a long time I was mad at her for being all these things that I could never be and living in her shadow.

She's lived an exciting life and it's not over yet so why is she acting like it is?

Argh! Enough. It's after 4am and I need to crash.

Lost my temper with a caller today and think it because I was extra tired and cranky. My own fault for staying up so late playing these FB games!

Hey, did YOU know it's not my job to defend my employer? I don't make the rules. I just have to listen to people bitch about them, that's all! That's my favorite thing that came out of my [actually good] meeting with my manager the other day. I'm harder on myself than anybody (well duh!)

Before I forget to mention it, I had a halfway decent weekend. Date w/B Thursday night and dinner & catching up w/Shanna on Friday (Muffeletta's in St. Paul. We gave 6/7 on a scale of 10) I just wish the weekends didn't go by so fast...

onward.

Oooh, hmmm.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

Your greatest strength (and weakness) is that you are authentically yourself in virtually any situation. Unlike some more changeable signs, many Leos aren't especially able to play any role but their own. Recognize this. You're not a chameleon. Trying to blend into unfamiliar surroundings goes against your nature; you're meant to stand out and make an impact, like it or not. Knowing and accepting this about yourself is important; it can help you maximize the ways it makes you strong, bold, and exciting to be around, and minimize the ways in which it might limit you. Be you, all the time—but also know exactly who that is.

(Sign Language/Seattle Weekly)

Results Are In

The new "cage"? Really comfortable but terrible support. I think it's just gonna only end up replacing my old, comfy, no support one ..that is still a good thing but I'm disappointed. I'll just have to keep tryin'.

Have scheduled monthly call review tomorrow and I'm nervous about it. I think I preferred the previous version which was unscheduled...actually I prefer the version that was before that...you just listened to it and read the comments. No interaction with your manager was necessary (then again, I'm on my 5th manager in 2 years! That's how crazy things are at this place)

Am nervous because I don't know which call will be reviewed -hopefully not one where I ...spoke my mind and was too honest. I hate doing these call review things because there is always something I've done wrong or not done that I was supposed to. I work my fucking ass off for the callers and management chooses to focus on the "wrongs", not the "rights". But that's the job isn't it? It's all about the calls and there isn't anything else they care about. But maybe talking with her about the recent stresses of everything may help and I'll even try to find out what she does to help her keep her cool. And what might work for me. Get a 2nd opinion.

Blimey. It's 3am and my plan of an earlier bedtime is now not happenin'. Oh well. It won't be the first time I'm half awake/half asleep for a mornin' date w/B (this morning didn't happen after all...he had to go into work...oh well, more sleep for me! I love our mornings together but they can be brutal for both of us with the lack of sleep we both consistently have)

Arrrgh...there was more I was going to go on about tonight but have gotten caught up in YoVille w/Shanna. It turns out we can be on the same server and hang out together in this virtual world.

So enough for now. Have some other stuff to do before crashing. More next time.

Did you think I had forgotten about you?

Hello dear blog. I bet you've been wondering where on earth I've been for the past few days.

My silence was only due to the distractions of life. Just trying to catch up with friends, TV shows, playing around with FB games and just getting through each day.

I'm so proud of myself for finally wading through the zillions of choices that were offered and picking out my health/dental/vision benefits for 2010 from work. I'm not sure what I picked is exactly right nor am I sure about the dollar amounts for my HSA/FSA thingamabobs but we'll just see how it goes.

I definitely needed to sign up for the vision benefit. When I was hanging out w/Irma the other night, the screw fell out of one of the sides on my glasses (thank goodness I knew a trick to fix them up....using only the wire from a twist-tie (you know, the kind you get with sandwich baggies?)) and this will be just the push I need to finally go get my eyes checked again (having to have the monitor at work right in my face is probably another sign I'm overdue for this isn't it?) and get new glasses. It's only been, oh, whoa! probably about 5 years or so!!!! Yikes. OK, so that will be high on my to-do list in 2010.

So did I mention I treated myself to some clothes last paycheck? I probably shouldn't have spent the money. I'm sure there is an old bill (or 2 or ?) that I could have taken care of (or gee, what about saving money Sam???) but in looking through my closet and dresser drawers it struck me that I have, like, NO long sleeved t-shirts and very few sweaters without holes (and I'm not just talkin' about the arm/neck and bottom/opening holes!) so I went slightly nuts. Fashion Bug, Silhouettes and Ulla Popken got a little money from this honey. I also thought I'd give another version of a "cage" a try. I'm on the hunt for the perfect one. (I'm ALWAYS on the hunt for the perfect one! Is it too much to ask that the cups fully support the girls w/no spillage, the back doesn't ride up and most importantly, the straps don't dig into my shoulders or have useless little thingamabobs that do nothing to ease the discomfort of hoisting them around all day??)

So waiting for me today in the mail was the new "cage". I tried it on tonight and it was instant like! So we'll see how it holds up at holding me up tomorrow! :P

Still waiting for the rest of my purchases to arrive and can't wait! That is the downside of online shopping but it beats tromping around malls that can't be bothered to sell clothes for us big beauties! :P

Man I'm tired. I just got done harvesting a bunch of stuff over at Farm Ville. Whew! Such hard work. Now if only the money was real....

Hmm. Had a nice weekend. While I didn't get to cook dinner for my honey due to his cold, I did enjoy the "jammies" day. And then on Friday (aka "Sunday") was lounging around enjoying the use of the banquette (sp?) table downstairs that Jen's honey got for her (why I haven't used it sooner I have no idea. It's a perfect place to type and eat at the same time! :P ) then off to have dinner and fun w/Irma. Man, that Bill's chinese is some good chinese!

This upcoming weekend has another payday (woo hoo) and I'll be hanging out with my girl Shanna on Friday ("Saturday")...I think our plan is to go to Muffuletta's in St. Paul for food and then who knows what.

Next week is the dreaded (or much anticipated?) turkey day. Since I've had so little contact w/my parent's lately (uh, the car issues, my mother's declining health and subsequent drastic mood swings haven't had me exactly eager to talk to her) I'm not sure if I should even mention us getting together for dinner that day. Part of me wants to. As previously mentioned, I love having my own family to get together with on these bloody holidays but the other part of me is like...nah, I'm over it. I'm making up my own rules now and I don't need the family like I once did. Then again, what's the alternative? I don't think I'd want to join anyone else so I could just enjoy having the day off, all to myself. Ooooh. I like the sound of THAT! (Do I even want to talk about the fact that I completely blew off my mother's b-day on the 14th? As JW's they don't celebrate but I don't usually let that stop me from acknowledging it. But this year I said 'eh. Whatever. Per texts exchanged with my bro. supposedly she didn't say anything or notice so ...whew?)

And then again, I could find out why my parent's are refusing to talk to my Aunt. I'm dying of curiosity but I'm sure it just has to do with their disgust at her unwillingness (!) to completely change her life and do what they want her to do...move up here and leave her family behind. Now granted, her family have not made her life any easier (they really are a couple of ...pieces of work) but until you walk a mile in someone elses shoes, you shouldn't judge! She is beset by her own health problems and stuck in a life that she didn't exactly plan on. She's doing her best and I just have the greatest amount of sympathy for her.

Admittedly, I haven't been down to visit her in months (getting time off of work has been impossible and when I am there, even I get depressed and overwhelmed at the amount of shit she deals with on a daily basis!) ...I should get down to see her soon though, even if it is only for the day. She needs a hug and a shoulder and just somebody in her corner. I can do that.

She's my favorite aunt and over the past few years we've gotten closer. I don't talk about her much to everyone but she is very important to me. She's my mom's youngest sister and the one that I've adored since I could remember. She's lived out of state most of my life and as mentioned it's only the past few years that we've gotten close and become friends. She came to live up here for awhile to take care of my uncle before he died and that's when we got together as adults and started to really bond. She's currently living in Florida. (Am I also thinking of a visit because it's getting colder up here? You betcha!) ...

It recently crossed my mind that I've got all these people in my life but they're all in little separate compartments and they never really mix. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Blimey. It's going on 4am soon and I really should call it a night. B is supposed to be coming over in like 5 1/2 hours and I should get some sleep.

So much more to say but I think I'll just quit here for now.

ttfn.

Oh. I thought I had something to say.

But now I'm not so sure. Oh sure, I could blather on about the usual. It's my weekend and I'm just chillin. Have a ton of TV to catch up on but can't seem to get motivated. I keep getting distracted by other things online (not just the Facebook game stuff..which I've finally gotten under control...really!)

Well, maybe tonight. I was supposed to be cooking dinner (pork chops and roasted potatoes) for the man but he's sick. He never gets sick but somehow he picked up an especially evil cold and I'm not gonna risk getting it. Poor baby. He can't even take a day off of work.

So I've been listening constantly to those 2 songs I talk about in the post from the other day, "I'd Rather Dance With You" by Kings of Convenience and "Elevator Love Letter" by Stars. I've got a 2 song playlist at itunes and I've got the repeat button on. The play count for the first one is at 47 and the latter is 36. This just within the last few days.

I'm just so stressed about work (the pressure to bring talk time down is back amongst other crap!) and these songs make me happy! Like right now I'm listening to the former and bouncing around the bed as I write this. Wheeeeee! Happy Happy music. The former especially. Now if only I could get it as my ringtone I'd be a happy camper.

Tomorrow is dinner and catching up with Irma. Will be fun.

Man, I'm hungry. I've only had a cup of coffee and some apple bread w/cream cheese so far today. So I suppose I'll mosey downstairs and rustle up something. I guess I'm gonna have to do something with the pork in the next couple of days though aren't I since I took it out of the freezer and it's thawing out in the fridge. Maybe I should cook the stuff for Irma tomorrow night but we've been talking about Bill's chinese and now I'm craving that...(sorry R!)

Tra la la...and here we go again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'd rather dance with you than talk with you
So why don't we just move into the other room
There's space for us to shake, and hey, I like this tune

Even if I could hear what you said
I doubt my reply would be interesting for you to hear
Because I haven't read a single book all year
And the only film I saw, I didn't like it at all

I'd rather dance, I'd rather dance than talk with you
I'd rather dance, I'd rather dance than talk with you
I'd rather dance, I'd rather dance than talk with you

The music's too loud and the noise from the crowd
Increases the chance of misinterpretation
So let your hips do the talking
I'll make you laugh by acting like the guy who sings
And you'll make me smile by really getting into the swing
Getting into the swing, getting into the swing
Getting into the swing, getting into the swing
Getting into the swing, getting into the swing
Getting into the swing, getting into the swing...

(Getting to the swing...)
I'd rather dance, I'd rather dance than talk with you
I'd rather dance, I'd rather dance than talk with you
I'd rather dance, I'd rather dance than talk with you
I'd rather dance, I'd rather dance than talk with you
I'd rather dance with you
I'd rather dance with you
I'd rather dance with you

****

because B sometimes I'd rather dance (or "dance" you pick) with you.

So there (again!)

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

Keep up the good work. You've set up some wonderful precedents and new habits for yourself over the past couple of months. Don't let your intrinsic laziness kick in and sabotage all that now. You know what the good stuff is. Maintain that momentum, and if you really need some down time, carve it out of the rest of your life; don't feel as though your new great habits are what's keeping you from all the lounging and taking it easy you also like to do. Actually, if you work things right, you should be able to get more done that you really want to do and be lazier than ever before. This week, think up ways to do exactly that.

******

Is it any wonder why I really dig the horoscope done by CC from Seattle Weekly? The dude knows ME!!!!

Better late than never

It finally occurred to me tonight to ask my "cast" how they felt about being in my blog. At the same time, how can I write about my life without writing about the great people in it?

But I want to be respectful. I'm not happy with myself that it took until now to get around to asking how they felt about it.

===

Oh happy "Monday". Tonight, after I got home from work, I was telling J that when I acknowledge needing an attitude adjustment about work that it usually helps and work isn't pure torture. That was the case today. Oh sure, it's still gonna drive me crazy but I'm finding other ways to relieve the stress these days and it's helping (yup, being addicted to FarmVille & Cafe World is actually doing something good for me!)

......

Am totally and passionately in LOVE LOVE LOVE with this song...



that is thanks to pandora.com and this one too, this one thanks to the current.

and the latter video is FUCKING FANTASTIC



though should i be skeeved about a grown man dancing with little girls? Nah, this is too cute!

----

Whoa! Kinda fun pulling myself out of FV & CW and seeing more of the lovely things there are out there in the world.

Been catching up on some TV the past couple of days. But lots more to see. And the poor neglected pile of books from the library...I really should return them, unread and just come back to them another time...when I get back into a heavy reading mode.

4 more days to go and then another weekend!!!! Wait, didn't I just say I was having a better attitude about work? Bugger. Well, I still love my weekends more.

There is something to be said for being fully present in the moment

Dinner at La Casita tonight w/my honey. For a restaurant in a suburb, they're really good. I like that they make their salsa fresh every day and it's not that chunky.

Then a really really nice time with him afterward.

Now he's gone and I'm here online and am catching up on email. One email from someone who I am recently back in contact with (and who doesn't know me very well anymore) contained a question about the commitment level from B and this is what I had to say in response...

"Oh believe me, he is as committed as he can be and I'm very happy with the level of it. It's been over 6 years that we've been together this time and that's the longest "on" we've been during our relationship (which has been on and off about 15 years.) He's watched me go through so many changes and deal with some real sadness and pain AND lets me "test" him constantly and he keeps loving me. He's seen my dark and my light sides and still thinks I'm interesting, sexy, smart, adorable after all this time."

That doesn't quite give the whole story but it's important.

So there.

La di da or the end of a chapter.

Happy Saturday to me. Have just been being a bum as usual. Had a better "Friday" night than usual because I went over to R's after work and set him up on a buddy pass so he can go to Georgia this weekend. Afterward to Applebee's for some late night food.

I like helping people travel for cheap because of my job. Somebody's got to be benefiting from it! I guess I should be thinkin' about taking a trip soon but to where? One of the places on my list? Eh. We'll see. I have to get some more time off first, which is proving to be impossible these days with how busy we are with merger crap.

Date with my sweetie tonight. We never managed to have our morning "date" this week so we get to have a real date night instead. Works for me. Either way, I'm happy to spend time with him.

So just killin' time right now before jumping in the shower.

I guess I should make some time to catch up on some TV at some point...maybe after B leaves, I'll catch up on a couple of shows. Then I'll head over and pick R up and take him to the airport so he can catch his insanely early flight tomorrow morning. (I'm up super late anyway, so y'all just keep that in mind if you need a ride to the airport at 3/4 in the morning!)

I guess I should get around to writing the SPCO and tell them that I'm quitting. I'm dithering about though, trying to think of what to say but I suppose it really doesn't have to be that complicated does it? It's just the right time and for the best I think. All I feel is resentful for going over there and with winter approaching...the hassles of parking are just not worth it. There are better things I can do with my time on my days off...such as see my friends more...right? Right!

Still it will be the end of a chapter that has lasted for 5 years. I had lost my job with USFCU and was moving back to St. Paul and the job with them came along at the right time. It was the perfect job for me at the time because I needed a place where I felt confident and safe...getting back into arts ticketing was like putting on a favorite sweater. So I did it and worked only for them for a couple of years, then went off and had my experience with the opera (while yet, still officially working for the SPCO having not given notice) and then after that ended, went back to work for SPCO with my tail tucked between my legs. Then knowing I really needed constant, steady full-time employment, found the job with the airline. (How hard could airline ticketing be since I'd already done arts ticketing for YEARS? Ha ha...little did I know it would be one of the ..hardest? ...jobs I'd ever have!)

I'm sad that my working there never led to a position of full-time work because I really really love(d) arts ticketing. Sadly, between a couple of incidents of losing my temper and my proclaiming my intent to move to England, I lost out on the chance to get a couple of full-time jobs that I applied for...well, I'm pretty sure those were the main factors why I didn't get them. Then again, in all of the non-profit arts organizations I've worked at, there was always some reason I didn't get a full-time job that I wanted and it's a wonder why I stuck around the field so long. I wanted it so badly but kept not succeeding. (No wonder I was on fucking cloud nine when the opera finally said "yes, we want to offer you the position of Ticket Office Manager"...having worked in the ticketing for years, I was finally being rewarded for my dedication and hard work and plus I was damn good at it too!) (Yup, another reason why Beth's post really resonated with me!)

So I've had to just tuck all those dreams away because it hurt too much to keep trying for jobs I wasn't going to get. So with a variety of reasons I don't know combined with the fact that I wasn't perfect and I made some mistakes along the way has/had ruined my chances in a field that has way too small of a playing field in this town.

I think it really is time just to let that part of my life go. Move on. While it's been fun to have the coolness factor of being able to say "I work for the SPCO", it's really mostly part of my past and a reminder of where I failed. I'll focus on getting my shit together attitude-wise and see if I can't get somewhere else besides reservations at work.

Upward AND onward.

(Note: It's done. I just sent the email to the Ticket Office Mgr/Asst. Mgr giving my notice. Just one more concert to work, the day after turkey day but then I'm done!)

Are you reading her blog too?

So one of the blogs ("Sum of Me") I follow is by this chick named Beth and it fucking just rocks. She's honest, funny, insightful and I relate to her words more often than not. I've copied from her before and now I officially have permission to copy/paste things from one of her latest posts that took the thoughts and words right out of my mouth on the topic of, well, you'll see. It cuts right to the heart of what I didn't know I was feeling until I read it ...so I knew I had to share it here... So without further ado...(and only slightly edited because most of what she writes is exactly what I am feeling/thinking and anything in bold is in bold because of me)

"My problem, I've realized - I mean in life...my problem is that I just don't seem to be all that excited about much of anything anymore. That's not really the word, excited. Or passionate or enthusiastic or interested, though it all feeds into those things. It's just that I'm not committed to much of anything, and I don't want to be. I could be. It's a mental trick, deciding to really throw yourself into something. And I could do it, but I don't. I think my job - a few jobs back, the one I mostly loved except for the bad management...That one. That whole episode did something to me that I thought would get fixed in time, in the right situation. But it won't get fixed. At least not by itself. [OMG - does this describe the whole opera thing or what????!!!!!! You don't think so? Keep reading]

I worked really, really hard at that job. And I loved it. Even when I hated it, I loved it. It sucked my life and energy away, and the problem was that it didn't give much of anything back to me. ...You throw yourself into it, you do the best job you can - a job that everyone tells you is really, truly, better work than they ever expected. You outdo yourself. You amaze yourself, that you could do so much and so well. The most boring and minute detail, you could make interesting to yourself. No task too small, etc etc.

And you don't get shit for it. I mean, I know it's supposed to be its own reward and everything. And it is, in a ton of ways. But I worked and worked and waited for my reward. And it never came. It comes for other people. People you know are not nearly as talented, as smart, as good at what they do. You learn the race isn't always to the swift. Good work isn't always rewarded. No one much gives a shit about your potential. It's growing up, is all, when you really finally learn that to the point of certainty. Just because I cared about a thing so much that it invaded my dreams and ate up nearly every brain cell I had, that didn't mean it'd give me any tangible results. Nothing like getting the stars casually wiped right out of your eyes.

So I just turned it off, that drive. Fuck it, I'll just do a decent job, not kill myself. Just give me my paycheck and call it a day. I don't need more than that, I figured. And now I miss the intangibles, that feeling of doing something, anything, that I really, truly care about. The satisfaction of doing it so well that everyone marvels and I'm delighted. I miss it, but I turned it off and can't seem to turn it back on again. I guess I'm just scared. Or tired. And entirely certain that it will always lead to disappointment, so why put bother putting myself in a position I know will lead to all kinds of dashed hopes.

Mostly it's that I'm chickenshit. I know that.

I don't know why I'm blathering about it. It pertains to my situation at work just now, I guess - I could do the job so much better if I could make myself care....I just don't care that much about anything. And I wondered to myself why and here's the answer, comes blurting out when I sit down to blog. As usual."

>>>>>>>>>>

Fuckin' A. She hit the nail on the head.

Now all of this is not to say that I don't like my life (and I know I'm pretty damn lucky in a lot of ways) but I sure am playing it safe too. What is that getting me? While safety and security are fine, what about becoming invested in something else again? But what?

Well, I'm just gonna have to do some serious thinkin' on it aren't I? See if it lights a fire under me...

Then again, doing this blog is my new passion but is it enough?

Now THIS is what I'm talking about!

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): It might be tempting to turn your home into a womb-like sanctuary and explore the mysteries of doing absolutely nothing while clad in your pajamas. And frankly, this might be a good idea. After the risks you've taken to reach out to the other side, after the bridges you've built in the midst of the storms, after the skirmishes you've fought in the Gossip Wars, you have every right to retreat and get your homebody persona humming at a higher vibration. So I say: Be meticulously leisurely as you celebrate the deep pleasures of self-care.

From freewillastrology (City Pages)

A little of this, a little of that

My computer is running reaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllly slow and freezing up lately. It's pissing me off big time. I've "defragged" "disk clean-up"'d, etc. No luck. I think it might be the couple of movies that I downloaded from Graboid that's slowing me down. So I either better hustle and watch 'em, decide to delete 1 of them w/out watching ("Atonement") or delete both (the other is "The Brothers Bloom") ...we'll see what I get around to tonight. I could always request "Atonement" from the library. I've waited this long to see it, what's another few months? And the other movie? Well, I really wanted to see it after watching a preview on Hulu. Maybe I'll open it up and see if it's the real deal. (Graboid is like a Limewire but for TV/Movies.)

OK, made a decision. Just deleted both. The latter because I discovered that I didn't have the whole movie and the former because, well, just because. I'll just do the library thing or find it elsewhere online sometime.

But I'm acting as if I'm going to be able to tear myself away from my latest obsession....

I'm totally addicted to some Facebook "games" right now. Farmville and Cafe World. (Yoville is next!) How insane is that there are a MILLION things to do online (it's not just for porn!) and I'm getting off on "cooking" food, planting seeds/trees & then harvesting stuff. I think it might have something to do with control and seeing something through from start to finish. How often do we get pleasure from those things in real life? Actually maybe that just says something about my own life...I feel out of control so I'm taking it where I can, even if it's not in the real world.

Or maybe it's just fucking games and I'll grow bored with them soon enough.

Ah, happy hump day to me.

Pumpkin bread cooling downstairs. Think I'll mosey on down and try it out. (It's a frozen just-pop-in-the-oven version I'm trying out for the first time)...

Oh, exciting news! J is getting a new dishwasher for the house! Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet! I hate dishes but I don't mind loading and unloading a dishwasher! I had to hug her when she told me the news.

Hmm, what else, oh...yeah, my weekend was awesome. First day off was "jammie" day as previously reported (you get why that really is a lovely thing right? That the girls are free to breathe and be loose and free, not confined to a cage that it takes forever to get them into then and is uncomfortable all day...someday maybe I'll find the perfect cage....)

Then on Friday/Sunday, after working a shift at the SPCO (ooh, that reminds me, got an email about December shifts...this is a good time for me to decide if I'm gonna quit or not....?)
I got together with Shanna for a late dinner. After preparing ourselves for and with a treat, off to Pizza Luce' on Lyndale we go. Yummy. Just yummy. We ended up w/hoagies though because little miss fussy eater here didn't want to have quite the same kind of pizza Shanna wanted.

And those mints! More please! (Just thinking about them makes my mouth water :P )

It's nice to just have a good meal and some conversation with someone isn't it?

Hmm, what else? Work OK...back to the not-hating-it right now (but could that be because I'm sneaking in updates to my FB games in between phone calls??? I am baaaaaaaaaaaaad!)

This upcoming weekend should be fun. Going to get together w/Irma to do something...not sure what yet, but it'll be fun to catch up with her...it's payday on Friday and I'm gonna be so happy! I've kinda blown through my last check...buying new sheets was not quite in the budget but I did it anyway!

Ciao for now.

A million things I want to do...oh, actually just one right now.

Hey peeps, am finally doing some listening at Pandora. Totally cool and like perfect! While it's fun to put the ipod on shuffle, this is going to introduce me to artists I might not have known about otherwise and have me listening to tracks I've downloaded but not listened to yet.

It's my Saturday night and I'm just hanging. Thinkin' about doing some laundry and tidying up my room. We'll see. I was supposed to have a date w/B tonight but that fell through. 3/4 bummed and 1/4 relieved because now I can have a "jammie's" day. You know how I like those!

Maybe it'll be good to just listen to music and putz around tonight..haven't done that in a long while. There are too many choices of what to watch and what to read so I'm going to make a choice by not choosing either of those things to focus on (for right now anyway) and just do this.

Tomorrow is SPCO turnback shift at 5pm and then together w/Shanna afterward. We don't know what we'll be doing yet but we want it to be fun!

Rapid change of topic ahead. A subject came up recently and I needed to reflect upon it for a bit. It is something that happened to me in the past and it can happen again though I'm doing my damnedest to make sure it doesn't.

In all this hating of my job lately I've got lots of thoughts running through my head and of course I'm being scared off of even looking for something else because of all the things I read and hear about ...there being less work and then there being even more competition for those few jobs. I know I'm really good at the service part of my job but do I really want to compete with others who are as well (it galls me to think about that...let alone admit it but I know it's true) and then potentially lose?

And of course I was thinking about what would happen if I lost the job? Am I prepared for that? No, right now it feels like that if that happened then I'd have to kill myself and yeah, while there is the hate of the job right now, I would hate being unemployed even more...maybe this is a strong indicator that I need to be back in therapy. Being employed full-time is like my anchor. Without work I'd really be drifting and lost in this great big sea of life.

Now of course I'm being melodramatic. Truth is that I've survived being unemployed before and it's doable but not good for me. Actually, when was the last time I was unemployed? Actually it's been over 6 years. Good for me! I've been at the SPCO for almost 5 (next month it will be 5 years), and at the airline for over 2 years. The last year being the first year I've been doing them both (In between there was the side trip of the opera job but we're not gonna talk about that anymore are we :P) and grateful for the bounty of employment I have.

I think I know what's at the heart of the hate of being unemployed...the no income part. Duh! If that's mainly it, then that's not so bad right?

So if I were to dream about a different job what would I dream about? What are the things about my current job that I do like? What kind of other work should I look for? Still work in a call center? Nope. I don't think so. The pressure ofmaintaining stats seem to be worse in call centers. I get why they're necessary in that environment but I don't like it. (The fact of being tied to your desk and having to account for every minute -even when you have to go pee! -is why I have no interest in being a receptionist...I don't want to worry about justifying my leaving my desk!)

OK, what else? OH, I know what I was thinking about the other day...what about working in a Sky Club or something like that. Service that is the product. Brilliant! Now I just have to do some research on it. How on earth do I find out how to get a job in one. Then again, I bet they want people who look more professional and polished. (I'm not fond of professional and polished is a good look on me but it's not ME everyday. Actually, I've been paying a bit more attention to my appearance the last couple of weeks. Oh I still have my schlubby days (real weekends) but I'm wearing my nicer clothes more often, putting on earrings 1/2 the time and doing something with my hair besides a ponytail. This is Shanna's influence on me.)

I really should find out more. Wonder if I should email my manager and ask for her advice? Maybe not a smart idea to "show my hand" though...but she did tell me in our first one-on-one get together months ago that if there was another job besides reservations that I wanted, then she would help me get there. Hmm. Gonna think about this for a minute before I go shooting off an email.

Actually, I think I'm going to go do some looking around the company intranet and see if I can find anything.

>>>>

Well, that was not a complete waste of time. I am reminded of what they are but I need to find out a lot more about what it is they do and how many people they need to do it. Do they even have a phone line that a person can work, only handling Sky Club issues? From what little I know from my side of things, I think most business is just done at each location so do they have to wear uniforms like all of the other customer service positions? I wonder what exactly they do for the people that come in. Process memberships and...? I wonder what a typical day is like? What do they need to know?

I really need to get more information. I'm debating whether or not I should send an inquiring email?

I found the area where you can view available positions and I didn't see anything that was for the Sky Club. Is that because there aren't any or that's not where you go to find out about them?

I'm reeeeaaaaalllllly tempted to send the email. Email them directly...but again, I'm wondering if I really should talk to my manager first. Now, thankfully, my manager isn't really my supervisor aka can fire me. She's more like a coach. And a good one at that. With her encouragement and support, this summer before we switched over to the new system, I got my talk time down and my calls per hour up and all without sacrificing service...in fact, I had higher satisfaction scores than I thought I would!

Do I dare trust her though with this? I think I need to have a conversation with someone about this. Her or ?

I need to believe that there is a better job for me out there. In the meantime I will be grateful for the employment. Maybe even try to really stay positive about it and see if it really can get me somewhere else.

And as stated above, focus on the positive things that I enjoy about the job....be happy when I do get to say yes and give someone what they want (the few times it happens.) I totally get off on that...and figure out how to deal with all the no's I have to say.

Hmm, what else do I like about it? I like using a computer to find answers to questions. I like talking with people and really helping them feel good about their choices. I like thinking of ideas and solutions that work for challenges and problems.

&&&^^^^^*****

OK, things to be mulling over. In the meantime, life and a necessary thing to do for myself with my employer...I have to take some time this week to do the research and figure out which health plan to sign up for for 2010. I've got to decide which health plan will pale in comparison to what I got used to for the last 2 years. The great thing I had with Stay Well, Stay Working is all done. : (

Maybe that'll be what I "do" while working tomorrow night. TB shifts are incredibly easy and boring. Just answer the occasional phone call and do a 30-second transaction on the computer. Get it done.

Onward....to tidying the room and putzing.

OMG! Best whatchamacallit EVER!

OK, so I just started watching the latest episode of "Castle" and there was the best bit EVER ...you know this show right? It stars Nathan Fillion, formerly of a little known/canceled too soon, brilliant show called "Firefly" ...suffice it to say they just TOTALLY did the coolest thing...it's so cool I gotta go find it on You Tube and put it here. For any fan of "Firefly" it's NOT to be missed!

OK, that didn't quite work...too lazy to go and find another way to get the clip...just click on this or copy/paste...it's the best 35 seconds/beginning of an episode EVER!

http://www.hulu.com/watch/104731/castle-vampire-weekend

Hmm, post it here or in the other blog? Read at your own risk.

I hate work right now and I'm wondering if I should vent here or not? Well, vent again as I've vented before or no, stop. Enough is enough. Then again this is a diary and my diaries have never not been there for me when I needed to vent.

Poor J and her honey P got an earful when I got home from work tonight because I just couldn't hold it in. J is always so polite in asking how my night was. I bet she wishes she didn't always ask! Thought that could/would be enough for tonight but nope.

Then again, I need to focus on the positive and not the negative. Let's not send me down that fucking path.

Oooh, just got sidetracked by finding the receipt w/survey instructions from earlier today when I stopped at taco bell before work (yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, but I've only had fast food 2 x's in the last week! That's a major improvement for me!) and am complaining to them ..."Today got soft taco sups w/out tomatoes, rec'd 3 soft: 1 w/only meat & cheese no sour cream or lettuce; 1/w/meat, cheese & lettuce no sour cream & 1 w/meat, sour cream, cheese & no lettuce. Thought all 4 were what soft taco sup is...am I wrong? " [only allowed 250 characters] but I think the system is set up to reject moving forward (you know, "next") when there is criticism! I swear it knows I'm trying to complain! So then it occurred to me that I'm taking my frustrations out by complaining about someone else's employer/company and I can't decide if I feel bad about it or not. Guess what? Couldn't submit with any comments after all and couldn't even finish so just forgetting about it. Whatever. I have been one of the lucky few (from what I hear) who hasn't had a drive-thru order fucked up so I guess it was just my turn. And Guess what? WE DON'T LIVE IN A PERFECT FUCKING GODDAMN WORLD.

I'm "kicking the dog" wait that doesn't sound right. I'm "kicking the cat" ...nope that doesn't sound right either...I'm "kicking the bird" ...there, that's better. There are no birds in the house. Besides what else is there after bird? You know what I"m talking about right? The Boss kicked (yelled?) at the employee, the employee kicked the spouse/wife, the wife kicked the kid, the kid kicked the dog, ...get it? The butterfly effect w/violence.

But they need to know. Will it ensure that it won't happen again? Nope, but maybe it'll happen less. (Disregard this sentence, as you saw from above my attempts to complete this were in vain but I like the sentiment so I'm leaving it in :> )

I thought playing around on delta.com the other night would help me do my job better but nope, not as much as I would have liked.

But what else is there in this economy and job market? A lot of my co-workers have their own frustrations with the job (the m-e-r-g-e-r, the r-e-m-o-d-e-l) ...one referred to is being in "golden handcuffs" and ain't that the truth!

Hey, I just summed it up beautifully to Shanna in a chat. "just a hard night. lots of apologizing to the callers and i hate to do that. there are so many things wrong now" (yup, allow myself to leave the caps "off" when chatting.) and also "that's an understatement. our working environment has changed, our systems have changed, our people have changed...."

That explains it all big-picture wise.

OK, time to breathe and re-focus on the fact that by having a job it affords me a life I enjoy. My brother is still unemployed...10 months going on 11. I don't remember the last time he was out of work this long. Though I think the last few months he hasn't even been trying to find work...he's so discouraged. And my cousin too, stuck up in Floodwood. (AKA hell [for him]) ...his dad laid down the law..either he go to meetings with them or he can't live there. Fucking A! My cousin is over 40 years old for fuck's sake. While I respect the fact that he feels that way, it's also seriously fucked up. But where else can he go?

Breathe Sam, breathe.

Thank goodness I have some jelly belly jelly beans to munch ( ;) ) on. (Preceded by a golden delicious apple, apple fritter bread w/cream cheese and cheddar pita chips)

Now maybe time for some escapism. Last nights TV was encore night for everything but "Castle" and if ever there was a light and fluffy, pure entertainment show to watch it's that one.

Oh! And speaking of TV, what does that say about my taste in TV right now that I haven't been in any hurry whatsoever to watch the new season of "Nip/Tuck" that began a couple of weeks ago?

Later.

The drapes match the carpet...but the duvet cover doesn't quite match the sheets

After reading the horoscope from last week, I decided to focus on the sweet, real things that are already a part of my relationship with B. He does nice things for me all the time and I need to appreciate them more. (And of course vice versa!)

============

OK, so I'm kind of weird, but I only have one set of sheets for my bed these days. Sadly (though also secretly glad because it's fun getting new bed linens!), I recently had to replace the current set. But I'm thinking it maybe wasn't the most brilliant idea to pick a color that won't show the cat hair, brown. I'll just have to add a reminder to my calendar to frequently remind me to "de-fur" it. :P I love my boy but there is too much goddamn hair! Gave him a good brushing tonight so that should help for a day or so. I decided to pick up a comforter cover as well because they were on sale and I figured it would be easier to wash than the comforter...the shades of brown between the sheets and the cover don't quite match but close enough...

&&&&&&&

It was a lovely weekend. Spent time with B and Ryan. Thursday was about sleepin' in and being lazy until it was time for my date w/B. He took me to a nice place, Caffe Biaggio in St. Paul. (Who knew that there was a nice restaurant on University Ave/St. Paul!?) I had a glass of Prosecco and a yummy entree that was actually an appetizer of a homemade sausage pizza. I feel a bit dumb for having had the pizza as my entree but everything else on the menu was not quite what this fussy-but-trying-not-to-be fussy eater would eat. B had flank steak and polenta. (Yeah, there was that and a couple of other things I could have ordered like spaghetti, etc. but the pizza was a safe bet) I sampled his polenta and steak though...I wanted to try the polenta because it's been prepared a lot on all these cooking shows that I've been watching like "Top Chef" and I've been wondering what exactly it was and how it tasted ...my verdict? It was OK. Now the steak on the other hand was truly delicious....so tender and juicy....but hey you know, the polenta wasn't the only thing I've tried recently...when I was at Hell's Kitchen w/Shanna last week (or was it week before?) I actually tried asparagus. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be but again, like polenta, not quite my cup of tea. I'm trying! Slowly but surely my palate will evolve beyond where it's at now...

Anyhoo, my pizza was "gourmet" so I am going to stop feeling bad about it. Fresh and light w/homemade italian sausage.

It was nice to be on a date. We've had a lot of breakfast dates lately and while that's fine, woman can not live on breakfast alone!

Then Friday, PAYDAY! Ran some errands, worked a turnback shift for the SPCO and then got to catch up with Ryan. But before I talk about how fun that was, let me vent a little about how much I hate dealing with parking in downtown St. Paul (uh, repeat much?) ...I'm seriously considering telling them to schedule me for concerts, outside of downtown St. Paul or I'm done. Is that overly dramatic? I'm just so spoiled by having a car and having free parking wherever else I go. The inconvenience of driving around hoping for a free meter and then not finding one and having to just settle for the closest place (since I'm usually running late by then) and pay $10 to park for 3-3 1/2 hours is insane!

I'm getting spoiled by the things in my life that aren't challenging.

(When I was hanging out w/Shanna last week we talked about public transportation. We both have a ton of experience on it. The thought came up that it might be a good idea if I experienced the use of public transportation from here to work someday so I'd know what it was like, in case Suzette had to go away for a while (e.g. mechanic) ...I don't relish the thought, but it makes sense. Or maybe I'll just wait until I have no other choice. :P I'm just thankful I've had Suzette the last couple of years but know it can change anytime.)

Anyhoo, back to time w/Ryan. We had a nice cocktail or two and some liquid crack ...no, no, just a yummy mixture of tomatoes, cream cheese and smoked sausage (did I get that right R?) and did some catching up and then we watched "Frequency". It came out about 10 years ago but I never really wanted to see it. Big mistake. It was really good.

Now, back to the work week and life as I know it.

< Sigh >

Oooh, this is right on the money!

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

You're sometimes subject to what I call Movie Mentality. That is, you want things to play out something like the way they'd happen in a movie. You want to be swept off your feet in a whirlwind romance, or be the hero of your own adventure—or at least the main character in it. This is all due to your romantic nature, and, yes, your big ego. However, rarely does life reflect the movies. Trying to make it look that way often makes people feel weird and uncomfortable, especially when they'd rather it just be what it is, and real. Try to see the beauty, poetry, and drama in that, even if it's not as spectacular as what you'd see on the silver screen.

(From Seattle Weekly/Sign Language)

From all the romances I've read and the romantic movies I've watched how can I but help but want my own romantic reality to be as exciting as what I've read or seen. Is that really so wrong?

Something to ponder. I do concede it never hurts to just live in the now and enjoy the real, true romantic moments I do get/have. And I get plenty. B is such a patient, loving man w/me. He makes me feel like a sexy goddess and that is wonderful in and of itself.

Just happy it's my weekend.

'Nuff said. For now.

Happy Happy B-day J!

I hope you had a wonderful day (even if you weren't necessarily looking forward to it :) )

I hope it doesn't seem weird to post this, but we've gotten to know each other a little better over the past couple of weeks AND You're the reason I started doing the blog thing in the first place (the latter is reason enough to do this! :P ) Having this blog is such a cool thing in my life...I desperately needed an outlet for my inner drama queen/wannabe writer.

Did I ever tell you how I found your blog? Oh, I think I did once...I wanted to know more about you...the mysterious yet warm and friendly woman who would be housing me.

So I Googled you. (I love Google but I wonder if Bing is all that and a bag of chips. Anyone? Anyone?)

I didn't know what a blog was. I'd heard of them of course, knew that at one point they were all the rage (but like with most things in my life, I came late to that party i.e. sex, drugs, cell phones, etc.) but I had no idea how wonderful they were.

I've told you this already but I really do appreciate how you've made me feel at home here.

I was hesitant and excited both when it came time for me to decide to move out of my last place. I liked your ad immediately and when I came to see the place, your energy was infectious (and the price was right!) so here I am. Over a year later. I really didn't think I would be here that long as I was still in moving-to-London-at-some-point-sooner-rather-than-later mode.

I appreciate having a place to live while I figure my shit out (and someone who can tolerate the fact that I HATE HATE doing dishes...you and Shanna should talk since you've both had the distinct pleasure of living with me :> )

I live in a home with loving people and animals and know I'm pretty lucky. So thanks again.

Sam.

P.S. You told me I didn't have to get you anything for your birthday but I'm going to only partially listen. I actually have a card for you as well, but that will be filled w/mushy stuff. I hope you like it. It made me think of you the minute I read it. Not that you're mushy...

Duh! or if you prefer, Doh!

So I mentioned that one of the necessary things for me to have at work (in order for me to work without having major neck pain) is that I just have to move the monitor close enough to see it w/out craning my neck forward

=

Changing the size of the font here in Firefox to be much BIGGER so that I can see it better w/out craning my neck forward.

>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<

So do you know cool I think it is whenever somebody tells me that they read my blog? It seems like such a self-indulgent thing to be doing but I'm loving it. My Leo side is basking in the glow...

Oh! I'll come back to this later. Going to do a separate post in honor of J's b-day since I decided back in August to dedicate a post to those special people in my life.

Cranky Sam is not a pretty sight

I had a wee tantrum today after arriving at work and finding out that the computer on the desk I was going to sit at was still logged into someone else's login (who had left for the day) so I had to scramble to find somewhere else to sit and fast when I didn't really have the time or the patience to deal with it.

See the thing is, we're not allowed to "nest" at work (even though of course people still do it) and there are too many people, on too many different types of shifts and not enough stations so there a few of us who live like nomads, dragging our crap around (we are getting lockers, but again, just like the desks, we'll have to share) For the record, I'm not opposed to nesting, before we had our "remodel" I had a nest/desk I could sit at everyday w/out worry it wouldn't be set up for me when I got there and I just really miss having a regular spot..there have been so many fucking changes with this merger and enough is enough! To further explain why this is a big deal, a couple of months ago I finally did something about making sure I was working ergonomically and it's made a world of difference to me physically (mainly my neck!) so I need my work area set-up a certain way in order to work comfortably. But since the remodel, each and every time I come into work and go the desk I set up the day before, it's taken or unavailable and I have to start all over again and it's driving me fucking nuts. (To make matters worse, we also can't eat even snacks on the floor (OK, admittedly, this one is better for our health!) and our beverages must be in spill proof cups. No plants allowed either...and don't even get me started on how we're packed in like sardines while other departments that don't talk to people on the phone at all have spaces to work in that are bigger than what we've got!)

Well, today I snapped. I'm sure our visitors from Atlanta (they were around when this happened) must think I'm a total bitch but this is fucking ridiculous!

Now of course, I take some responsibility because I could have remembered that I would have to take a different way to work this weekend (due to the fucking construction on 35W/62 Crosstown) but I didn't, so therefore, I couldn't stop at Target to pick up the pita chips/hummus & chicken salad that I was especially looking forward to having for lunch/dinner tonight, (instead, had to take the long way, which meant stopping at SA for lunch/dinner because they were on the way and the quickest to get in and out of) and so then I was running later than planned... all that and then not only could I not flex, I also didn't have those few minutes before the start of shift to get myself situated. (The man yelled at his wife, who yelled at the kid, who yelled at the dog, who yelled at the cat, who yelled at the bird...it's the butterfly effect baby!) And it was the final straw. It's been so aggravating that I've been thinking of talking to my manager about either helping me find a station that I can claim needs to be mine and stay the way it is for medical reasons or putting up notes and trying to organize some sort of schedule or system so that I can find a regular place and if I share it, so be it, but it'll be the same fucking spot I can go to every day!

I'm so fucking spoiled. When things don't go my way, I'm an absolute and total bitch. (How do you people stand me? :P ) But it's not so wrong to just want to spend your 8 hours a day/40 hours a week in a place that's comfortable for you is it? Didn't think so.

Or am I so cranky because even though I had a fantastic time w/Shanna yesterday, starting with yummy food at Hell's Kitchen downtown, Rosedale Mall sucks eggs....very few places had women's sizes (Lane Bryant moved out! JJill only carries women's sizes in the catalog!) and the one shoe store that was full of ugly-so-they-should-have-them-in-my-size didn't carry my size...which was especially disappointing once I started getting excited about a particular shoe that was actually cute! I was in a world where there was no place for a person of my size. Neither body, nor booby, nor foot. (Ah, yes, this is why I rarely go out shopping and do most of it online these days)

Oh poor Sam, you know it wasn't all bad...being there brought to mind something quite significant (but in a good way)...Shanna heard this yesterday but as this blog is a recording of my life for me to look back upon someday, I shall repeat it for history's sake... I worked at that mall back in '91 and I was selling shoes for a place called "The Cobbie Shop". (In that same location today is the shoe store I went into that I talk about above)-and that is the place I actually met B for the first time. He had just started dating the woman who the assistant manager of the shoe store, J. He came in to the store one night to pick her up for a date and that's how we met. I thought he was a nice guy but soooo not my type. (I was into the... effeminate type at that time of my life) (And coincidentally just the other day he told me that when he met me back then that he thought I was cute (as in attractive!) A few months later, I left the world of shoes behind and began my career in arts ticketing. It would take another 4 years before I would meet B again and when I did WHAM! There were fireworks, alarms, heat, smoke and my blood boiled...all when he came up to me and hugged me (I thought it was cool that he remembered me...little did I know that he thought I was sexy so of course he remembered me!) In those four years, I had become attracted to a new kind of man...and this time around it was with a manly man with muscles and facial hair! ...and the rest is history.

So with that, Rosedale wasn't a total failure...I got to think about meeting B, my own years of working in retail (prior to shoes, it was men's clothes) and how my life was back then. I also didn't walk out empty handed...I found a cute pair of earrings (Shanna and I went in on a buy one, get one 1/2 off deal at Express) and at Sephora, I picked up a tinted lip balm and a small thing of perfume. We also hit up "target boutique" on the way back to Minneapolis and I got the first pair of slippers I'll have for this winter.

I should feel guilty for shopping but I paid bills and I just felt like I needed to live a little and so I did. Being out and about was fun (though physically I'm a wreck...I'm so out of shape it's ridiculous, Shanna deserves a freakin' medal for her patience! All of my friends do when we go out!...and yeah, I'm gonna get right on that! :P)

---

So it was a long day. The people who were calling got a taste of less-than-perky Sam and I'm sure what I was "giving" was why I got what I got. There was no smile in my voice. :(

I feel much calmer now...I'm home and have unclenched by watching the latest episodes of "Fringe" and "Flash Forward" (have I mentioned the latter is TV crack?) ...I'll save "Supernatural" and "Bones" for tomorrow night. Nothing like a little escapism to cheer a gal up.

So it's almost 4am and I guess I should think about calling it a day. So OK.

Hey body, how YOU doin'?

So I'm definitely going to be watching out for the new season of "Drop Dead Diva" sometime next year. I just finished watching the season 1 season finale and Wowza! Can't wait to see what happens next season.

----

I'm going to start spending some time looking up recipes and/or ideas for more healthy things to cook/prepare, with an eye toward figuring out how to keep them fast and easy because I'm just [stubbornly] not wanting to give up any of my precious sleep time prior to work.

See, I've developed a bad habit of not preparing any "breakfast" at home before I leave for work and have instead been stopping for food and of course, most of the time, it's by zipping through a drive-thru of some kind. Now of course, yes, I can make healthier selections at these places ("Eat This, Not That" actually had great advice for fast food junkies like me ..e.g. at BK, a Whopper Jr. (w/out the mayo) a small order of onion rings and a diet soda...yes! Really!) but I usually just say screw it and NOT order that. I could be smarter and do the Subway thing but only if I make the time to actually stop, park and go in. Or hell, I could even go the route of a co-worker and have a bowl of Special K in the a.m., Chipotle burrito bowl for mid-day meal and Special K again at night and then lose a bunch of weight! NOT! (OK, yeah, a teesny weensy bit tempted but I think I'd get bored with that after a couple of days and there isn't a Chipotle right on my way to work...I'd have to detour! Oh I know, poor Sam! Yes, I'd like a nice Gouda to go with that whine :P)

At the same time, I'm sick of fast food in general. Oh, sure I'll keep eating it (who are we kidding???) but I have to do better. (Recent observation is that when I'm low on funds and having to make do with groceries and preparing more meals for myself, I eat less crap/junk.)

Or maybe I should just get my tired, lazy butt out of bed and start adding some discipline to my life. I should get up, have a good, healthy breakfast, make coffee and then off to work. (Why not throw in a yoga'ish workout/stretch session while I'm at it? :P )

I'm so spoiled by my freedom to do what I want, when I want and NOT do anything I don't want to (uh, besides go to work! :> ) that it feels....wrong? No, it feels sooooo right. I spent most of my adolescence and young adult life being told what to do (like most kids) from having to do chores (dishes, taking turns w/my brother cooking dinner, vacuuming, laundry, cleaning the kitchen, taking the garbage out, clean my room, etc.), going to school AND working on days that we didn't have meetings, preparing for and going to those meetings 3 x's a week...(geez, no wonder I was so bloody tired as a teenager!)

Maybe all of this is a roundabout way of saying I like my life (mostly) but that I can make it a better life by focusing on getting a bit healthier. I've been out-of-control and not caring and it's about time to get back on track and pay some attention to me physically.

I wonder if giving up some of the things I enjoy that ARE bad for me would be a good enough compromise so that I could keep drinking the nectar of the gods, Mountain Dew?

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Speaking of health...It's soon open enrollment time at work for health benefits for 2010 and I've got a LOT of information to read. I'm going to have to pick a plan if I want to continue to get my "happy" pills. I'm not looking forward to whatever choice I'll end up making because nothing will compare to the wonderful health insurance I've had for the past couple of years.

I was lucky enough to get into a program called Stay Well, Stay Working that was a pilot project created to study what would happen for people who had a history of depression and losing jobs when they had full resources to help them maintain their physical, mental AND emotional help so that they could continue working.

We had a "navigator" to check in with and have as a resource for things we needed help with. There was also a survey to fill out annually.

I will hope that after they look at all of the data and results from this project that they find a way to have this as a permanent program for those who need it. Even if I never have it again, it was such a gift and I know played a part in helping me stay focused on being employed FULL-TIME, at one place, for the past 2 years (and even though I've had some rough spots, I still have a job!) I know others would benefit from this type of thing.

Now I just have to pick a new health plan that is the best plan for me and hope I make the right choice.

On that note, let's make a good decision for me and put myself to bed. Ciao.