Wrapping Up 2023 & What's Ahead 2024

12/20/23

I thought I had so much to say about this year, but at the moment, I'm not feeling that like getting into all of it. :D 

I had a moment a little bit ago when I felt incredibly grateful for my life. I AM very grateful for it. 

I've learned so much about myself and I'm still learning -especially a lot about how I feel about children. 

Will that be my biggest regret? Not wanting children and losing the chance to be a parent with B. 

Maybe. 

Loving E, O & V is so easy.

............Continued, 12/22/23

So where are things with B right now? Well, The waiting continues. We're down to 2 years before A turns 18. I'm going to hate what they will all have to go through. Enough to let him go? Though we're so close to the next chapter of our love story. 

I don't know. 

I wish I could have a fight with him where he fights back, and after we have this fight, we've cleared the air and can keep moving forward. It pisses me off when I get mad and he just takes it. Makes himself out to be the bad guy and the only one to blame for this. I can't convince him that we're both responsible for our choices. 

I love him desperately. 

Truly, madly, deeply. 

Btw, I don't want to hear him say he doesn't want to fight back and "say something [he'll] regret" -because what does that mean? What does he think he would say that would be that bad? The worst thing he could say is that he is done with me. Done with us. 

I used to think he would never say that but now I'm not so sure. It's been a rough couple of years...probably the toughest we've been through so far. 

What do I need from him? What does he need from me? 

In the meantime, in school, Strayer - 3 quarters in a row, A's, and as of now, I've got a 4.0 GPA. And I'm back to doing Sophia courses in between. 

So 2023 was a year of academic success, continuing my relationship with B, and learning how to love and care for someone other than myself in the form of a young man I really wish was my kid. 

V has turned my world upside down. And I'm finding that fine line between caring and not putting myself in a position that will bring me sorrow down the road when he leaves and moves on to the next place. That's what you have to do sometimes: let them go. 

I'm not so great at that. 

In other news, I bought my first Christmas tree EVER. I felt like it was something fun to do for "the family." 

I've embraced coloring my hair. I am painting my nails black and loving it. I'm finding it fun to do things I did when I was younger. 

The same people inhabit my world, and overall, life is good. 

Things ahead in 2024 -

    - New health insurance through work, and I'm hoping that they will also approve and cover my breast reduction surgery, scheduled for February 9th. 

    - V will start going to school in person, Watershed High School. First day/orientation on January 15th. 

    - School will also continue for me. Sophia courses, too, to get more general credits done. 

  Well, that's it for now. 

Onward and Upward. 

I Can Live With It

B,

Here's the reality about my relationship with O1…

She isn't just my housecleaner. She is a friend and you may feel she's taking advantage of my good nature BUT if you know the amount of things I've asked her to help with, you'll understand and can let this go.

Starting from the beginning, over 4 years ago now, she has made sure the home I purchased was clean from top to bottom. 

I've never lived in a clean home before. Growing up my parent's weren't into being crazy about cleanliness. 

I think I've told you how their house always smelled of stale fried food, mustiness and dust. They never washed the drapes (and they always had to have drapes and curtains on every window), nor mop the floor or deep clean the carpets. The kitchen counters would be kept clear but not behind and under the stuff they had on them. I loved them both so much but neither was good at housekeeping.

It only got a tiny bit better when my mother discovered she liked wearing perfume again and discovered Febreze!

Then when I moved out on my own...my "smells" were better but everything else just got the basic treatment and/or was only done infrequently. 

It's when you move you realize how dirty a house can get when you don't keep up with it. The corners! Dusting. Floors. I hated doing floors. It's why I still wear slippers in the house to this day However, I don't have to if I don't want to!

Every single time I moved, the zillions of times, I've had to clean the place. If I had just maintained, it wouldn't have been bad. I did get better over the years but I still hate cleaning. 

My home is where I spend most of my time and having it clean -not having to worry about cleaning is worth a million dollars to me. Have I mentioned I HATE cleaning? :P 

The whole time I've known her, I've said that I would give up any other comforts to keep her.

When you live alone, there is only you to do everything and I think you may have forgotten since you've not lived alone in decades :P 

But it's not just about how she keeps my home clean...it's about all of the extras:

-Cleaning out the spare room so I could rent it out. Moving furniture/boxes and then giving it a deep cleaning.

-Putting up pictures and helping moving furniture

-Coming to my aid when I had a bad RA episode. I was a mess and in so much pain in my legs and ended up peeing both on the rug and the bed in my room. She cleaned up both messes. She made sure I had something to eat and went out to purchase adult diapers for me because getting to the bathroom was hard. I was alone. E hadn't moved in yet. And so when I called her, crying, she dropped everything to come over here and help. 

-Cleaning on credit and letting me pay her later. So many times she let me do that. Taking the deal was a way to ensure I never have to do that again. 

-Cleaning the spare room again and painting it and providing the beds.

-Bringing over, giving me 2 matching awesome, pretty comfortable loveseats. 

-Just always fulfilling my asks. 

But the most important thing she has done is introduce me to O and V. They are my life now. 

Both of them, have been through a lot, just like I have and we share so many experiences of moving and surviving crap, and we're really making this a home for all of us and it's so nice to not have to divide up chores and/or worry about cleaning up after 3 people living in not-the-biggest space. 

So...she's making money off the deal. Good for her. She's like your brother. They found a smart way to make bank. And we love them in spite of that. 

And just like that...Pop edition

"If you can't be good, be careful" 

Lyrics I just heard in a song. 

Pop used to say that all the time and now I'm riding a little wave of grief. 

And now I will turn toward gratitude. Always the best thing for me when I start to feel sad. 

I'm about to send out some thank you's to the D family for making V feel so welcome and accepted and showing them friendship and kindness. 

And providing some much-needed fun! 

Things continue to go well and I continue to be grateful they're a part of my life. Another family to share life with and helps keep me going on the harder days. 

I am doing my best to balance their needs with my own and we're still figuring things out. 

So..53 is on the horizon. A week from today. I still don't feel my age in a lot of ways - well in all other ways except physically. 

I'm hosting a little get-together and there should be some pool time involved.

And did I mention Heartstopper season 2 is just around the corner? August 3rd. I am working on getting the day off and I'm going to binge it all and then watch it all again...but first, re-visit season 1 (for the zillionth time) and then just lose myself in it for the day. 

Life is looking good right now. 

2 Things I'm Extremely in Love With Right Now.

 

I am in love.

Love Number 1 - Apple Smartwatch

I just got the Apple Smartwatch and my world has changed upside down.

OMG.

I no longer need to remember to get my fucking phone when I go from room to room or forget it in another!!!

That’s why it will be worth every penny.

….But I really should work up the realistic budget. The new one.

Love Number 2 - B

When I think about our history, the roller-coaster - at the end of the day, we each think the other person is all that AND a bag of chips. The way we feel about the other, is in a way that nobody else does. And we still love each other in a hot, juicy way. :P 

We still have the "can't-keep-our-hands-off-of-each-other" thing going on. 

All we ever have is here and now and it's so much better to live in peace instead of war. 

My love is so deep for this man. I'm so lucky he's mine. 

Bonus Love - I LOVE having nail polish on! Thank you V!

And now let's turn out attention back to him.

I’m thinking about B again.

Who am I kidding. I’m always thinking about him in one way or another.

Whenever something goes wrong I turn to him and he’s always there for me.

But now…I don’t know if we do have a future.

He’s seen the reality from a new perspective and it’s not pretty and maybe he’s not so sure about us anymore. Though I refuse to believe that we’ve spent as many years together as we have and there won’t be the “endgame” I’ve imagined for us.

So how do I feel about that?

Happy 1-Month Anniversary O and V

1 month ago today, my life changed for the better when they moved in. 

Yesterday was one of the toughest days I've had recently and my future with Capella is now uncertain. 

D and K just didn't feel like they could approach me directly and tell me that something I said felt inappropriate to them. 

I took it very badly and V was here to give me a hug and offer their support. Then later, when O got home from work and heard about it, was pissed about how I'm being treated and offering her support as well. 

I didn't know I needed them until I got them. 

Not being alone when going through something awful is everything. 

and on a lighter note, V is going to help me find the scammer who dares to mess with me and we're going to find some way to bust them. 

This is it for now. 

Almost 1 Month In - The O and V stories

They've been here almost a month now and today is the first time since they moved in that they are both gone at the same time and I'm home alone again. O is at work and V is out with O1 daughter and walking some dogs in a park near here. 

I'm still loving them and glad they're here. V continues to charm me. What a good kid. Now I'm wondering if I made the right choice and wonder what life would have been like had I been able to give him a child or be with him and watch A grow-up. 

I wasn't ready so...the past choices are the past choices. 

V is giving me a reason to...I don't want to say live again because that sounds so dramatic but ...yeah. My life has been going on and I've been so lonely. E was great but she wasn't a...kid that needs my love and attention. And this one needs me as much as I need them.

Thank goodness I'll be chatting with my therapist tomorrow. This whole thing happened right away and so intensely. 

But maybe it really is that my maternal instinct was there all along but I buried it.

So there is a new me coming along.

O and V

You know, the day I found out Pop was gone, I had a conversation with him in my room and part of the conversation was me asking him to bring me someone to love. 

Well, he brought me 2 someone's. 

O just came home from taking the bus back and forth to the grocery store and brought home so many bags full of good stuff. I remember those days of taking groceries on the bus and I hated it. I don't believe she doesn't mind, but I don't her to want to have to keep working so hard and doing things like that. 

But since she feels so strongly about it, I said how about you take care of the food/feeding of all of us and asked her to feed me like she feeds V...lots of fruits and vegetables and the same portion sizes. I'm not even the slightest bit scared or nervous about giving this over to her ...my food and eating. In all fairness, I told her then that I will take care of all of the other household things. Cleaning and supplies, including toilet paper :D 

So I'm realizing that not only do I have V to love but also mom, O. I love them both so much and it's not even been a week. 

O works so hard and I want to do everything I can to take some stuff off of her plate. I want to see her relaxed and knowing she's doing an excellent job of doing everything she needs to do to take care of them. And she's not alone anymore. 

V is going to be starting school on Wednesday and I'm going to do homework when he does. That will be good for us both. 

There have been no downsides to this arrangement so far. Sure the space isn't the biggest but our schedules vary enough that everyone has time and space to themselves. 

I feel like the luckiest woman in the world right now...or

Thank you Pop. 

Gifts received in 2023...so far.

Life definitely isn't going how I expected it to. 

I wasn't sure what to do with the spare bedroom after E left. I struggled to decide if I should rent it out again immediately - to someone from craigslist again or make it into studio space and rent it out...or how it was going to work being an underground Salon. 

But as usual, my universe was being worked on by the other, bigger universe. 

I don't know if I've ever mentioned it but I've struggled to find my life's purpose for years and I finally had a feeling it just had to do with making people feel loved. 

I've been wanting to find someone who wanted and needed my love and let me love them wholeheartedly.

Someone I would put ahead of myself and...the universe brought them to me. 

V. An amazing young person. I already love this child with every fiber of my being and would die for them. 

I've got new roommates, thanks to O. 

A wonderfully sweet woman, O (:) ) and her child V, 14. 

They've only been here since Monday...5 days ago and I already love and adore them. 

I didn't really realize that what I've really been looking for is a child for me to care for. 

I had no idea. I know I love my nephews to death but it's not quite the same thing. 

Anyway, that's all I'm going post for now. 

More to come. 

Heartstopper

I wonder if there had been such a thing, back when I was watching "Friends" of watching reaction videos on YouTube? If there had been, would I have been as obsessed about a TV show like I am, now?

Heartstopper. Netflix. April 2022. Season 1. 

I've watched the series itself at least a dozen times in the last year. Actually not quite a year. It was released in April 2022 and I didn't get around to watching it until I heard "Tyler and Todd" (YouTubers) mentioned it (and just in passing) back in, May 2022.

And I've now watched it with about a dozen other people.  

It's the go-to these days when I'm feeling sad. 

Heartstopper. 

A wonderful world created by a writer named Alice Oseman. I don't think she could have imagined that some of her best work would have such a huge impact on me and how I feel about my relationship with B. 

This show, about 2 young men, becoming best friends and then falling in love with each other. 

Well now that I put it like that, of course it's affected me. I'm a sucker for a good romance.

I love everything about the show. The actors chosen for their roles and the job they're doing with it, the writing, the setting, the time. The progression of the story. The choices made. 

It may have been written for the LGBTQIA+ audience but it hits hard at that young person, wondering if the person you like likes you back and all of the nervousness and sweetness of that time of life. 

And some of the lines that hit me the hardest;

"...make him feel a little bit crap about himself." 

If I'm not going to get to be with the man I love and somehow we still continue, I'm going to keep feeling a little bit like crap...and not good enough. 

and...the other one that hits close to the heart, 

    

"It's all worth it to be with you." 

I wonder what life would be like if he had never married her but instead married me. 

That would be a story to tell! Though our story is already something worthy of a novel. 

But big, long love stories are what my family does. Mom and Pop. J and E. Me and B. 

At the end of the day, I just want him coming home to ME every night. 

Love Part III

B. The Love of My Life. 

I was just thinking about how I'd like the kind of love my parent's had. The kind of love my mom had. 

They were married for 36 years, together for...I'm going to round up to 40. 40 years to love someone and see them through so so many changes in them and your lives together. 

And I was also thinking that this is just another one of the times I was thinking how my life, how I grew up was untraditional (I think that's an understatement.) ...mother, married and divorced twice. 3rd time was the charm and she got to marry the love of her life. Moving every couple of years or so. Living overseas. So many different schools. My whole life the process of adapting to new circumstances, new life. 

And what we share is that throughout all of the changes in my own life, the love has been there, strengthening and deepening over decades. 

He's there on the sidelines, being my biggest cheerleader. It's corny as hell, but he's the wind beneath my wings. 

but yes, both also having their high high's and the low, low's. 

There's this whole thing about love language and in learning about both your own and the one of your love and how it strengthen relationships. 

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/the-5-love-languages-explained

    Words of affirmation

    Quality time

    Acts of service

    Gifts

    Touch

My love language is touch, but also a lot of interruption, constant change, sometime chaos/drama, passion, joy, excitement. :D

I need to learn more of his...pay better attention to his. Shit do I even know what his is??? I want to say words of affirmation...but ?? 

3 years for me to cross the next bridge...or go through the next door...in our relationship. Start thinking of him more, me less. His life is so very different than mine. 

It's going to be interesting. 

Love Part II

 He's my lobster. That's all there is to it. 

Love

Love. 

It's on my mind as Valentine's Day is 2 days away. 

This year is the first year in probably about 20 years (?!) that I have no idea what my future is with B. We're in a new, uncertain place. 

The smart, logical, sensible side of my brain tells me to leave him completely alone for the next [now] 3 years. She obviously cares about the marriage and him (why wouldn't she?) and he needs to really decide if he is going to leave her and be with me. Without any interference. 

BUT but but...he is everything I want and need. 

I've been looking to see who is out there...and the latest looking at FB dating. I see plenty of good-looking guys and/or read some great intros but none of that matters because they're not him. My heart isn't in it. It's already spoken for and it wouldn't be fair to anyone else that I was already in love with someone. 

But I'm so lonely and starved for touch, love and affection. I miss his in-person love and affection and not having that is one of the worst things that's happened to me - so bad it's at the level of losing Pop and Sally. I feel like I lost him too. 

And now what?

 I once again find myself straddling a line. So so many lines in my life....

I'm living in between these things right now...

Acceptance / Denial that Pop is gone.

B / No B

School / Took Q off and but what next? Strayer for associates in business instead? 

Lose weight / self-acceptance

Live alone / Find another roommate. 

No wonder I relate so much to the gray in life. 

I've been feeling that I need to make a decision THIS MINUTE about any of those things. I need to make a choice.  There is nothing I'm 100% sure of anymore and that's terrifying. 

                        Life is on a rheostat, not an on/off switch. 

Sweet Jesus. No wonder I'm a mess! 

No wonder my anxiety levels are off the charts! I need steadiness and reliability in my life. I need to know the plan. I need to know what I need to do next. I think the only thing keeping me together right now is work. It's the only thing I feel sure about...that every day I have to get up and go to work. 

2023 February - Empty nest.

E moved out on 2/1/23. I missed her immediately. 

And I find myself with an empty room again. So I'm writing up an ad and/or email to someone

Finally attending survivors of suicide loss support group but they haven't pierced my shell yet. Close, but no cigar.  I'm not sure it's a good idea for me to live alone at this time. I'm barely holding the grief at bay because I'm in deep denial land. And when I fully accept it, it just might break me. 

I lost the last person who loved me unconditionally and was free and open with that love. What about my brother you say? Well, he's close to that but just like with my parents, the religion is in between us. 

So this is what I'm looking at when it comes to a new roommate. 

I am putting this out in the universe, in this form of a blog post this time around. 

Hey there. Well, I'm a 52-year old woman, with a cat, living in a condo - up one long flight of stairs -that has a spare room. It's not that big but it will fit the basics and has a ton of built in storage. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) and am looking for someone who is helpful, caring, reliable, honest, dependable, fun, sociable (but can be introverted :D) intelligent to rent it. We'd have to get along as the whole place isn't that large but there is enough space for us to have spaces of our own. You'd have full-access to the kitchen and the full bathroom would be primarily yours (I would just use it for the the shower) as I have my own 1/2 bath. Additional storage on lower level along with a coin-operated machines laundry room. I'd give you access to use my car -that I rarely use because I work from home and with my RA I don't go out much -this is of course would be after a background search including driving record -and it didn't add a zillion dollars to my insurance premiums. 

I have a cat. Noire. I'm obsessed with "Le Chat Noir"  as you'll see when you walk in the door and it's a shabby chic kind of place. She's spayed but has claws and will be 2 years old this spring. I'm considering getting her a sibling -a younger one (I think she'll be nicer to it. She can be a bitch. :D ) because she needs a companion. 

You handle garbage and recycling and I handle dishes/dishwasher. I may need help doing things around the place as I've got limited mobility. 

I am also large but working on getting healthier. If you love to cook (or at least like it enough :) ) and would be willing to make us both healthier meals...I'll keep ingredients around/stocked. Coffee drinkers a plus. 

420-friendly is a major plus. I'm medically approved. Cigarette smoking is allowed out outside on private balcony, vaping indoors is fine. 

Night owls strongly preferred as I'd also like us to be friendly -be able to become friends and I'm not a morning person, at all even though I start at 9am on Sundays (that's a killer but the trade off for Wednesday off is worth it for now.)

If you're willing to pay for my cleaning service on a weekly basis, I'll give you a break on the rent -which includes full access to everything (except for my room/work space) wi-fi and heated attached garage, a nice courtyard and an outside pool. 

In my dreams, the person who rents the room just wants a little bit of space in a warm, comfortable home. They would hang out with me late at night and/or weekends and we'd watch movies/TV and listen to music. But then are also happy to just be in their own company. I work 2nd shift M/T/Th/Fr and every Sunday. I love listening to music, binging TV shows, playing games on my tablet. I've traveled a bit, love art, theater and occasionally being spontaneous. Not into outside unless it's sitting on a balcony on a fine summer evening. I'm a kind, generous, loving person. I want you to make yourself at home. 

I occasionally have friends over and you're welcome to invite yours over as well...and hey maybe we'll even have them over at the same time?

Very LGBTQIA + friendly. This is a safe space for a chill, calm, patient person. 

So there. Now whether or not, I send this to a couple people looking for a room or not will be the million dollar question!