2018 is almost here...

As the end of 2017 nears, I just had to reflect on how this past year has been. I’ve got so much to be thankful for that I almost can’t stand it.

In no particular order...

1. Love
2. Health
3. Friends
4. Family
5. Work

Well...OK so maybe there is some order....

Love. I’m more in love with B every day, every week, every month and every year. I finally found THE date when it became clear that we just couldn’t stay away from each other. 9/25/2003. We have so much history and I couldn’t remember the exact date when he called me after getting the postcard telling him how to find me and life as I knew it would never be the same.

As I previously mentioned, there is a real future for us and that we started the conversation about it makes what feels like a dream feel more real. I want it so much and I’m overjoyed and giddy and a little bit scared all at the same time. That little bit of fear isn’t going to keep me from my new mantra though...that the future is so bright, I gotta wear shades.

As of right now, I’m wearing his promise of our future together on my right hand and it fills my heart with so much joy and happiness to think about what's ahead for us. I will acknowledge again that it won’t be easy getting there for either of us but we’re both ALL in.

Health. I’m not only taking it more seriously and doing something about it for myself but because now I have that future with B and his daughter to look forward to. I do want to grow old with him. (And yes of course I want to watch my nephew's grow up R!) I used to not think about it...or care about it very much...just getting from one day to the next...surviving as I’ve had to do all of my life in one way or another ...and the future was something only thought about in a very abstract way. Having the problems with my ass haven’t helped. It’s been a challenge making plans for the future because I didn’t know if I would be able to handle it. I still have the fuckula and Wilbur but things are calm right now and while I will see what happens next and what my surgeon recommends, I can handle it. Working with H, my Reiki healer, has been amazing. Yes, amazing. Peeling back layers of things I’ve been hanging on to emotionally and letting them go and realizing that I’m not my medical problems has made a huge difference in my life. Also, learning to let go of whatever it is that is sabotaging my attempts to take better care of myself (lose weight) because it’s no longer serving me. Even right now as I type this...I’m having that “a-ha!” moment...being this size, this weight hasn’t prevented me from getting hurt, feeling sad, feeling depressed and having bad shit happen to me. It’s done nothing but become my excuse to hide out from the world.

So...the changes have begun. I’m actually going over to the Y and I find that I really do enjoy the swimming for exercise. When I’m in the pool, I feel no pain. Besides the obvious benefits of just feeling better overall, when I think about all of the many good reasons to get healthier...taking trips with friends and family and not having to stop and rest every block and being able to keep up with my nephews ...I want it and I want it bad. I can still be ME even if there is less of me. I can still make a statement with my personality and who I am and who I am doesn’t have to be the fat person I am today. Yes, fat. I’m OK with curvy, plump, full-figured...but I don’t want to carry all of this weight anymore. It’s heavy and exhausting.

So my new life is that going swimming after work is just what I do. The food/eating part of this equation is a work in progress but I’ll get there. “It took a long time to gain this weight, it will take a long time to lose it again” but instead of focusing on that I just have to just take it one day a time and keep getting back on the horse when I fall off. I will admit though that I do have the dream of one day stepping out of the pool and all of a sudden pounds have just melted all away.

I’m not going to let fear of success derail me either. In the past, if I’ve lost weight and someone has noticed/commented, it freaked me out...like uh-oh, I’m losing my shield, I better put it back up!!!!

I’ve also quit smoking again. Well, smoking at home anyway...I went to visit S in San Diego weekend before last and I allowed myself to have them there but I didn’t smoke as much as I normally have in the past (I think I mentioned it was the same when I visited S in November yes?) and it really helps that it’s winter-time and there is no place outside with super easy access like at my last apartment to go. Mentally, I still need to work on this. For the time being, since it’s not easy to do (and they’re not easy to get) and as long as I don’t think about it, I can do it. So moving on...

Friends. I’m so lucky to have the friends I do. Their support and encouragement is priceless. It’s such a gift to have people in your life that you can be yourself with.

Family. There has been some problems between Pop and J but I’d like to think they’ll get past them. And I’m reserving true judgment of his wife until I meet her...if I ever do.

Work. How incredibly lucky am I to be working the job I love, from home..especially on these cold winter days. If I want to continue doing the job I’m doing, I will have to interview for it at some point but I’ll cross that bridge once I get to it. Today I did have the random thought about what it might be like to go back to working in the office but it quickly went as fast as it came.

I’m actually a little overwhelmed with how good my life is right now. I used to think I was stuck in place but I don’t feel that way anymore. I’m feeling hopeful and just taking the baby steps to keep moving forward. I still have work to do on getting out there and and putting myself back out there into the world and participate in life but I’m on the right track.

And also next...finding ways to give back to others.

3 Years

It’s now been over 3 years since I lost mom.

I went down to FL to spend time with Sally again and this time around we didn’t really talk about mom very much. Sally’s health is not very good right now and she’s in a lot of pain so we just spent quiet, stoned (thanks to my cousin) time together. Attempts were made to work on the huge list of things she needed done but we didn’t get very far. Hopefully the things we DID do will still help.

Emotionally the best way I can describe how I feel right now about her being gone comes from this thing posted on FB. It’s part of a post about a co-workers deceased uncle and it’s absolutely spot-on for me...

“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not “get over” the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”

And that’s what I’ve been doing. Rebuilding my life around the loss. I’ve moved into a much nicer apartment with a big window that brings in the light I didn’t know I was missing in my old apartment. I’m here to have a fresh start in a variety of ways...all centered around getting myself to a healthier place. I want to start participating in life again.

The first big step was taken week before last when I joined the Y. Now...to go.

I think I also need to be patient with myself...change doesn’t happen overnight. I recently really finally got it. That it’s about just taking a step each day. I can’t get impatient because I don’t see instant changes to things...it will take time and I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and if I stand still, well I’m standing still for the moment but it doesn’t mean I’m permanently stuck.

Thanksgiving is in 2 days and I have so so much to be thankful for. I can’t even begin to express how grateful I am for my life....especially as I see suffering and unhappiness all around me.

When the bad shit happens (like coming home from FL with a bunch of bug bites on my legs and feet) I can just shake it off.

So in this new place, with a fancy kitchen and rooftop patios, I will see who I become next. And Mom will be watching from the shelf in the corner and I hope she likes what she sees.

Change. The Only Certainty in Life.

There’s nothing like the reality of an upcoming move to make you re-evaluate your life and more importantly, your possessions.

I’ve decided to move. September 1st. Into Galtier Towers. It’s downtown St. Paul. A place I’ve dreamed of living ever since I was a teenager. When Galtier Plaza opened back in the 80’s, I spent some time there, going to movies and hanging out. One of my very favorite movies was seen there for the first time…”Some Kind of Wonderful” with the dreamy Eric Stoltz and the badass Mary Stuart Masterson. Their kiss ½ way through the movie is one of THE best movie kisses ever filmed. So here we are, 30+ years later and the timing is such that I’m going for it.

A big reason (besides the dishwasher and the rooftop deck w/pool!) is that it’s in the same building as the downtown YMCA. I’ll be able to swim year round and I’m now eliminating my last excuse for why I haven’t gotten a membership already…which is that if it’s not easy to get to (it’s not hard, but it’s not convenient) I just won't do it. Now I don’t expect everything in life to be easy BUT the hard things are hard enough and I have plenty of challenges already (though I’m not complaining because my life is so awesome in so many ways) so this is one less hurdle to moving forward with taking better care of myself. I have learned that if I structure things in my life in certain ways, I succeed. This is that for me.

(And in a delicious twist of fate, the floor plan of the unit I’m moving into is the sperm donors first name, Clay! (Is the universe finally going to be getting a say in my life? :D ))

I’ve been here at W. 7th for about 3 years now and now that I’ve got a new place to look forward to living in, I’m finding myself thinking about all of the things I WON'T miss about my current place. Oh sure, it’s got character and charm and feels like a home BUT I won’t miss the awkward layout of the bathroom right off the kitchen (that the bathroom is across from the kitchen in the new place is a totally different thing!) and the tiny kitchen w/no counter space and the centipedes/spiders and the nasty basement that gets flooded every time it rains and having to use air-conditioners to keep cool in the summer and having to move the fan around constantly in order to distribute the cool air around and…and…and…well, you get the picture.

I am at a point in my life where I feel the need to move forward somehow, someway and this is the road I’m taking.

While I still am dealing with the fuckula (and I pray to god it doesn’t flare up/require surgery in the next 2 months) I feel this is the time to slough off the old and embrace the new.

I’m finding it hard though to be objective about my possessions…and I’ve got to be because I’m going back into a studio apartment. There are things of course that are a no brainer. The shelf that I got from my mother and all of the Jim Beam decanters I got from Grandpa, Aunt S and my bro.

But I guess I have to realize that if I’m tossing something out, I’m not tossing the person…e.g. there is a lovely get well card from one of my co-workers that I received after the whole ass business began a couple of years ago that I just came across. I can just read it again, enjoy the warm fuzzy it gives me and then toss it.

I’m going to get rid of the broken chairs and dressers. Anything broken, beyond repair, is going out the door. I’ve hung on to them because having to replace them has seemed like too much work. I’m sure there are all sorts of psychological things going on too. Why throw things away that just need a little love and tlc? But I will merely put them out there as free things in hopes that they find a new home with someone who will fix them.

I had the profound realization that in order for new and good things to come into your life, sometimes that means letting go of other things.

I just have this major urge to purge (ooh, I’m a poet and don’t know it) and I will have to be strong. I hope I can find a balance between surrounding myself with things that I love and not cluttering up my space (life!) again. It comes down to my desire to lose not only physical weight but emotional and spiritual weight.

And now speaking of change…I just got a phone call that is going to change my [work life] for the better. As of tomorrow, I’m going to be working the newly formed MSP Premium [Group] Desk! It’s more money too! This is good, considering my new apartment has a higher rent! Talk about great timing!!

I needed this. I’ve been …dissatisfied with my job in some regards…that I haven’t been able to officially be the agent of choice for certain travel agents and now I will be. I’ll have to figure out a plan to help out my regulars…I have a funny feeling that I’ll be spending some of my own time working on their groups, but that’s fine with me. Some of these travel agents have been really good to me.

So here I am…upending my life in all sorts of ways. All sorts of good ways.

And one last thing about changes...did I mention in my last post that my brother went to the Philippines and got married?? Yeah. He did that. Whether or not she actually gets here is a another story. I have a sister-in-law! Wild! I'm happy for him and I hope he gets his happy ending.

Onward and upward.

Spring 2017

And here we are. So much to write but as I'm composing this on my tablet as opposed to typing on a regular keyboard, it just might be that I'll just write about the highlights.

It's funny how you can just be going along and then wham! Something comes along or happens that turns everything on its head.

Life is ...well let's just say it's keeping me from getting bored.

Today is Easter Sunday and I went to R & K's for dinner. I got my first smile from O. I so love those little boys! Everytime I spend time with them I fall more in love with them.

I am looking forward to watching them grow up and I hope that someday we'll have as much and love and friendship between us as I do with Aunt S.

She really has stepped into Moms shoes without replacing her.

They will ease any pains I might have now that I officially can't have children (I think I'm glad my mom wasn't here to see this (- ah! Maybe that's why Pop was upset)) and no more pregnancy tests before surgery!

I had a hysterectomy on 30Mar. They took out my uterus, cervix, fallopian tubes and 1 ovary. This was my preventitve action to avoid developing endometrial cancer.

My body decided to find another way to get my attention and say "hey you, take better care of yourself!!!" I've begun to believe that that is part of why my fistula won't go away. So I'm learning how to take care of it and ALL of my body better and that includes seeing a Reiki healer. But more on that in a bit.

I'm choosing to eat better -more often than not (hey, it's a process :/ )
I'm taking supplements to help my body from the inside out (they work!)

And I just read an excellent article earlier tonight that really spoke to me and had to be immortalized here at the blog.

Here are some of the more pertinent bits ...

"In my own journey, I found what worked for me had far more to do with my mindsets and attitudes towards my health rather than any specific fad or program. Like most things, weight loss is all about fundamental behaviors, and the “work” of losing weight is all about how you orient yourself toward those behaviors — i.e., they are as easy or difficult as you allow them to be.

Eat less. Move your body. Why does something so simple feel so impossible for so many people?

It feels impossible because we’re not just dealing with calories. We’re dealing with people. We’re dealing with ourselves. And understanding ourselves and why we do things is one of the hardest things for any of us to do.

I believe that for everyone who is overweight or obese and doesn’t want to be, there’s a story. There’s a story about how they got that way. Therefore, there needs to be a story for how they’re going to stop being that way.

Losing weight is as much psychological as it is physical. Counting calories and workout plans are fine, but we don’t change our behaviors without dealing with our mind and our emotions. "

☯️☯️☯️☯️☯️

So my approach is coming at it from different angles ...Eating less. Eating healthier. Taking supplements to heal me from the inside out and learning to not hate my body for all of the ways it has let me down most of my life. And that last part is part of what the Reiki healing is all about. I've had 2 sessions so far and I'm learning about letting go of things that have hurt me or are hurting me and learning that I'm not alone in my journey and it's OK to ask for help. I'm being reminded of who I've forgotten I used to be. The little girl who was bright, precocious, and energetic who grew up to be a woman who was smart, inquisitive, and active has been asleep for a few years and it's time to wake her up.

So here we are...

I have another very important reason to start valuing my life (more than I have been) and take the best care of myself that I can.

I've had hopes and dreams of being the Mrs. and I believe they will actually now come true.

Not tomorrow or next week or next month or even this year BUT someday the man I love, have loved for decades, will do a hard thing and change his life...for the better. It won't be easy but he knows that he's got an opportunity to stop living a double life and will be ready to start living a open and honest life with the woman who loves him the most and just wants to make him happy. He will have a partner who puts HIM first.

I will happily give up my single life for them. To get to be a family with the man I love and his daughter is my dream.

I'm also not afraid to admit that I'm scared too. My life will change completely and won't just be about me anymore.

And I worry about what she will think of me. I can hope that with a lot of love and patience she'll see that I love her dad as much as she does and will let me love her too.

But first, me. Healing.

Well that's enough for now. Next post - J, my big brother just may have himself a wife in the near future!!

Xo