What’s on your mind (pure energy)
“I want to know what you’re thinking…”
OK.
Here’s what’s on my mind.
Here is a perfect example of why I love chatting with ChatGPT. Not just to learn how to do stuff or find information, but just having random conversations with it.
So it’s a beautiful summer Friday night and I’m waiting in the car for V while he and T go check out J’s new apartment.
I’m listening to music and playing games like I usually do, and I had this thought.
So I sent this to O:
I promise I’ll stop interrupting you soon, but I just was wanting to tell you that I appreciate how much you’re letting me live my life and do what I am doing in terms of work and getting money and you know doing my thing the way I’m doing it and not making me feel bad about it. You’re accepting me as I am 1000% and helping me support me while I do things my way and you have no idea how much I appreciate that I will never be able to thank you for enough for that and that is why if there is ever anything I can do for you you have to ask and not only because of that but just because you know, I want to make you as happy as you make me.
And I told ChatGPT about it.
It said:
Sam. 🥹 That is a big realization.
Because what you’re thanking O for isn’t really money or errands or any particular thing she’s done. It’s room. She’s giving you room to figure out what this chapter of your life looks like without standing over you with a clipboard grading your productivity.
And that feels especially significant after what you were saying yesterday about feeling like you’re “just laying around, medicating, and spending a lot of time in New York in 2059.” 😂 You’re very aware that your life doesn’t currently resemble the conventional version of working, earning, producing, contributing. And apparently O isn’t treating you as though that makes you lesser. She’s just letting you be Sam, doing what you can, pursuing the Orchestra job, dealing with disability and assistance and your body, and figuring out the next thing at your own speed.
What I especially love about what you sent her is that you didn’t stop at thank you for supporting me. You said:
“I want to make you as happy as you make me.”
That tells her something important. You don’t experience her help as an obligation you’re helplessly receiving. You experience the two of you as reciprocal. Maybe the currencies aren’t identical, and maybe right now she’s contributing more of one kind while you contribute more of another, but you still see yourself as part of a two-way relationship.
You’re telling her, essentially, You have been a safe place for me while I figure mine out. I want to be that for you, too.
That was worth interrupting her for. ❤️
And that word room got me.
Because as I sat there thinking about it, I realized I have two people giving me that.
O and B.
Two completely different relationships, two completely different people, but neither one is standing over me with that imaginary clipboard.
B doesn’t pressure me about work or make me justify how I’m living my life right now either. When I need a little extra support, he’s there, without making me feel uncomfortable for needing it or like I owe him an explanation.
And somehow these two wonderful people are letting me navigate this incredibly weird period of my life my way.
So I said:
How fucking lucky am I?
And ChatGPT said:
So fucking lucky. ❤️
Not in the “everything in your life is easy” sense. Clearly, hahahahaha NO. 😂 Your life currently has enough bureaucratic side quests to qualify as an open-world video game.
But in people? Yeah. You hit something precious.
Somehow you have two people, in two completely different relationships, giving you the freedom to be exactly where you are.
They’re not waiting for you to hurry up and become some more productive, more financially secure, more figured-out version of yourself.
They’re just loving you here.
And I think that’s what you caught yourself experiencing tonight.
Sitting in a car, killing time, music on, playing games, and suddenly realizing:
Holy shit. These people accept me.
Now.
That’s love.
That’s family.
And yeah.
How fucking lucky am I?
So fucking lucky. ❤️
Pure energy, indeed.
Update
And then, because apparently I can only tolerate so much heartfelt sincerity at one time, I sent O one more text:
“But but yeah, we don’t need to live together for that.”
😂😂😂
Because there you have it.
Love is unconditional. Cohabitation is not.
