Gratitude

So it's a little after 8pm and I'm nearing the end of my final shift for the SPCO. I'm a little sad but mostly relieved that after tonight this particular source of stress will be eliminated from my life. Granted, it's been an easy job for me (compared to the FT job) but something had to give.

I am getting to take a personalized name tag to have as a souvenir. (Well who else will ever need it since it's got both my first AND last name on it!) I'll consider it my parting gift (since there was no other fuss made...not even a card!) and a small, physical reminder of this chapter of my life.

---

Lunch at my parent's yesterday was actually fine. There was no guilt or blame or arguments. It was actually nice to see and spend time with the 'rents and bro. Yes, my mother is having more challenges with her health but she's not at deaths door as it seems to have been implied. She's developed arthritis in her knees and is probably going to have surgery for it next year but other than that, she looks good and was in good spirits...and then Pop was in a good mood and even willing to play a game of Uno (or Parcheesi, our other family game) but sadly, I had to go off to work. Bummed about that because finding him to be in the mood to play a game has been rare the last couple of years. We'll just have to try again December 25th.

In re: to my aunt, apparently, according to the 'rents, Sally misunderstood what they said and there was no intention of them NOT talking to her ever again.

Oh the drama of it all!

(And we wonder where my own dramatic tendecies come from...can't believe it took me until now to really have that "a-ha" moment and put it all together...)

So after a yummy lunch of baked ham (mmm, leftovers) off to the airline I went. It was super slow. Last night I just enjoyed relaxing and having a night to myself. I got caught up on several episodes of TV that I've been meaning to catch up on like the past 2 new episodes of "Bones".

Today, mellow day.

I'm wondering if I should write any "bye and take care" notes for anyone here...nah. I said everything I needed to say to the people I needed to say it to so...

Man, I have to pee but I might as well wait until I log off the phone and am on my way out...only 6 more minutes! I can hold it that long can't I?

OK, now I'm just babbling about nothing important so I think I can just wrap this post up.

ttfn.

Oh, though shouldn't I reflect upon all of the things I'm thankful for? But I'm thankful for everything and everyone in my life so maybe I'll just leave it at that.

Sometimes there are things you can't undo.

Like telling a support desk person "I fucking quit" ...in the business world, this is not kosher (as I learned from the Cuna Mutual job because now I am remembering that this is one of the things that led to them letting me go. I had forgotten about that.:( )

Why tonight? Why did I snap? because I/we say "no" and "I'm sorry" so many, many times during the day and when I/we have an opportunity to fix something and have a satisfied customer ...when I/we CAN solve a problem, well, when it doesn't go my way, I get cranky.

OK, cranky is an understatement. I have a temper and I really should do something about finding healthier ways to express it.

Today was just one long, terrible call after another. Just shit calls. some nice people but shit calls.

I'd love to beg off going to the parent's house tomorrow now that I've picked up 4 hours for a co-worker who was whining about having to work on thanksgiving, but I won't. I'll be a good girl and go. then I can see how they really are, how mom really is.

Another bit of "OMG is this woman just frickin' reading my mind or what???"

I was finally catching up some of the other blogs I read and came across this awesome paragraph from Beth.

"The thing is, as I bopped about a new town and found my way along unknown streets and hunted for places I'd read about - I liked my life, at that moment. A lot. I liked that me, who can find her way in a place where I know no one, nothing. Nothing but unknowns around every corner. Where my only mission is to see things - find this bus, know which street is next...and it will take you to a certain place...An adventure with only my wits to guide me. I felt very familiar to myself, and dear. It's been so long since I've been that. And I came back and I didn't want to stop being that person who could honestly say to herself, every minute: I can do this. I'm certain I can do this. Not a doubt in my mind."

See, she went to San Fransisco and that was just a little bit of what she had to say about that...(so far...I am working my way through her posts chronologically...)

And the thing is, is that I took myself to San Fran a couple of years ago for a night. I was motivated by the fact that an author I admire was going to be speaking at a bookstore in Berkeley about a book that she wrote/put together that included something from yours truly.

Yup. Moi'. The book is called "The To-Do List. From Buying Milk to Finding a Soul Mate, What Our Lists Reveal About Us" by Sasha Cagen.

(I'll get into the whole thing about how my contributing to this book came to be some other time)

Suffice it to say that at that particular time in my life, I felt like having an adventure, a travel adventure, where I took myself out of my little world and saw more than my own backyard. My trip to San Fran was definitely one of the most challenging trips I've taken by myself. I prepared well and yet still was overwhelmed (but in a good way!) for the reality of having to find my way around the city and the various districts. I took the BART (the subway), the MUNI (the streetcars, light rail and cable cars) and buses around all through the night and into the next day. I had to find my way from one destination to the other with only my notes and some maps to help. I managed to get myself from the airport all the way into the city and out to Berkeley, then back to the city and then onward to several areas of the city including the Richmond District, the Castro District and Haight District.

It is terrifying to be in a strange city and having only yourself (and the kindness of strangers who will point you to the right corner to stand on to catch the bus/trolley/cable car) to rely upon. But I did it! I got myself to most of the places I wanted to go and it felt amazing to know I could take care of myself in a new environment.

I'm way overdue for this kind of experience again. I guess I'll have to start thinking about where next to go on another solo adventure. (Solo is best. You only have yourself to worry about or get mad at if you get off track or get a little bit lost)

So see? Another thing that Beth wrote that had me just speechless because of capturing words I didn't even know I wanted to say until I read them.

Way cool.

Messed up and/or TMI

Sometimes I want to walk away from my family...no, scratch that, my mother for good.

I got a call at 7am this morning. Waking me up out of the deep sleep I had finally fallen into. It was my Pop. Responding to an impulsive message I left the other day, asking if we were going to be getting together Thursday. He said he left me 2 messages (that I never got so either he's calling the prepaid number or my voice mail isn't recording all of my messages or ?) and was calling so bloody early 'cause he knew he'd get a hold of me (little did he know I usually have the phone on silent so I DON'T get these fucking early calls that wake me up) ...anyway, "yeah, sure, come on over but I'm NOT cooking a turkey!" "OK, that's fine" (and it really is) Is it strange that I have no craving for the usual turkey day fare this year?

But I'm dreading going over there because if my mother starts in on me about car stuff, I'm going to have to leave or lose my temper.

Why is it that I'm not allowed to not be human? Why did the car stuff have to be such a big deal? I was taking care of everything that happened...maybe not in the timeliest of fashions but I wasn't about to dump the responsibility in her lap for my mistakes. It's like there was no trust that I wouldn't let anything bad happen to her [on account of my actions.]

And then there is the refusal to talk to my aunt. I don't want to get in the middle of it but I can't help it. To make a long story short, my parents have grown weary of their advice NOT being taken...but I'd like to see them uproot their entire lives with a million and one health issues and no support (well outside of "rah-rah, you can do it" support from thousands of miles away)...I mean seriously...unless they tell me they have offered to fly down, pack her up and bring her up here, I'm not buying it.

Yeah, I know my mom is getting old and her disability is affecting her more and more as she ages...I didn't know about the arthritis (per my aunt) but that's no reason to give up and throw in the towel. Yeah, aging sucks but what is the alternative?

And shall we get into that my aunt said some very disturbing things in an email that I read today. About my grandpa. That he was an abuser too. I just can't believe that. It has to just be the ramblings of a fucked up woman (and I mean that with love...) ...

Nope, I'm going to choose to remember the good and that he was the greatest grandpa and that he loved me unconditionally all of my life and never did anything to cause me pain (other than dying!)

Man, my mother's family is so fucked up. Despite the years passing and supposed forgiveness ..it is just messed up. This family of my mothers will never all be together in the same room again...unless its for another funeral...and even then, I wonder....

I'm supposed to go over there on Thursday...oh, I mentioned that already. I'm just nervous I guess. Who knows how I'm going to find my mother. From what Pop and the aunt say, not so great. Between my own guilt (but I shouldn't have to feel guilty/guilty anymore..the car is mine! Just got the actual title yesterday in fact!) and her moods...

AND then between the melodrama of the stuff with my aunt and my mothers self-absorption with her health and my inability to handle the realities of her aging and deteriorating health, I avoid her and that makes me feel like I'm a terrible daughter.

I know it isn't easy but you either suck it up or die right? (No dying allowed!)

I get it though. She was such a vital woman! Even after she became disabled she didn't let it stop her from living life as fully as almost anyone else. My mother...the artist, the writer, the singer...frankly, for a long time I was mad at her for being all these things that I could never be and living in her shadow.

She's lived an exciting life and it's not over yet so why is she acting like it is?

Argh! Enough. It's after 4am and I need to crash.

Lost my temper with a caller today and think it because I was extra tired and cranky. My own fault for staying up so late playing these FB games!

Hey, did YOU know it's not my job to defend my employer? I don't make the rules. I just have to listen to people bitch about them, that's all! That's my favorite thing that came out of my [actually good] meeting with my manager the other day. I'm harder on myself than anybody (well duh!)

Before I forget to mention it, I had a halfway decent weekend. Date w/B Thursday night and dinner & catching up w/Shanna on Friday (Muffeletta's in St. Paul. We gave 6/7 on a scale of 10) I just wish the weekends didn't go by so fast...

onward.

Oooh, hmmm.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

Your greatest strength (and weakness) is that you are authentically yourself in virtually any situation. Unlike some more changeable signs, many Leos aren't especially able to play any role but their own. Recognize this. You're not a chameleon. Trying to blend into unfamiliar surroundings goes against your nature; you're meant to stand out and make an impact, like it or not. Knowing and accepting this about yourself is important; it can help you maximize the ways it makes you strong, bold, and exciting to be around, and minimize the ways in which it might limit you. Be you, all the time—but also know exactly who that is.

(Sign Language/Seattle Weekly)

Results Are In

The new "cage"? Really comfortable but terrible support. I think it's just gonna only end up replacing my old, comfy, no support one ..that is still a good thing but I'm disappointed. I'll just have to keep tryin'.

Have scheduled monthly call review tomorrow and I'm nervous about it. I think I preferred the previous version which was unscheduled...actually I prefer the version that was before that...you just listened to it and read the comments. No interaction with your manager was necessary (then again, I'm on my 5th manager in 2 years! That's how crazy things are at this place)

Am nervous because I don't know which call will be reviewed -hopefully not one where I ...spoke my mind and was too honest. I hate doing these call review things because there is always something I've done wrong or not done that I was supposed to. I work my fucking ass off for the callers and management chooses to focus on the "wrongs", not the "rights". But that's the job isn't it? It's all about the calls and there isn't anything else they care about. But maybe talking with her about the recent stresses of everything may help and I'll even try to find out what she does to help her keep her cool. And what might work for me. Get a 2nd opinion.

Blimey. It's 3am and my plan of an earlier bedtime is now not happenin'. Oh well. It won't be the first time I'm half awake/half asleep for a mornin' date w/B (this morning didn't happen after all...he had to go into work...oh well, more sleep for me! I love our mornings together but they can be brutal for both of us with the lack of sleep we both consistently have)

Arrrgh...there was more I was going to go on about tonight but have gotten caught up in YoVille w/Shanna. It turns out we can be on the same server and hang out together in this virtual world.

So enough for now. Have some other stuff to do before crashing. More next time.

Did you think I had forgotten about you?

Hello dear blog. I bet you've been wondering where on earth I've been for the past few days.

My silence was only due to the distractions of life. Just trying to catch up with friends, TV shows, playing around with FB games and just getting through each day.

I'm so proud of myself for finally wading through the zillions of choices that were offered and picking out my health/dental/vision benefits for 2010 from work. I'm not sure what I picked is exactly right nor am I sure about the dollar amounts for my HSA/FSA thingamabobs but we'll just see how it goes.

I definitely needed to sign up for the vision benefit. When I was hanging out w/Irma the other night, the screw fell out of one of the sides on my glasses (thank goodness I knew a trick to fix them up....using only the wire from a twist-tie (you know, the kind you get with sandwich baggies?)) and this will be just the push I need to finally go get my eyes checked again (having to have the monitor at work right in my face is probably another sign I'm overdue for this isn't it?) and get new glasses. It's only been, oh, whoa! probably about 5 years or so!!!! Yikes. OK, so that will be high on my to-do list in 2010.

So did I mention I treated myself to some clothes last paycheck? I probably shouldn't have spent the money. I'm sure there is an old bill (or 2 or ?) that I could have taken care of (or gee, what about saving money Sam???) but in looking through my closet and dresser drawers it struck me that I have, like, NO long sleeved t-shirts and very few sweaters without holes (and I'm not just talkin' about the arm/neck and bottom/opening holes!) so I went slightly nuts. Fashion Bug, Silhouettes and Ulla Popken got a little money from this honey. I also thought I'd give another version of a "cage" a try. I'm on the hunt for the perfect one. (I'm ALWAYS on the hunt for the perfect one! Is it too much to ask that the cups fully support the girls w/no spillage, the back doesn't ride up and most importantly, the straps don't dig into my shoulders or have useless little thingamabobs that do nothing to ease the discomfort of hoisting them around all day??)

So waiting for me today in the mail was the new "cage". I tried it on tonight and it was instant like! So we'll see how it holds up at holding me up tomorrow! :P

Still waiting for the rest of my purchases to arrive and can't wait! That is the downside of online shopping but it beats tromping around malls that can't be bothered to sell clothes for us big beauties! :P

Man I'm tired. I just got done harvesting a bunch of stuff over at Farm Ville. Whew! Such hard work. Now if only the money was real....

Hmm. Had a nice weekend. While I didn't get to cook dinner for my honey due to his cold, I did enjoy the "jammies" day. And then on Friday (aka "Sunday") was lounging around enjoying the use of the banquette (sp?) table downstairs that Jen's honey got for her (why I haven't used it sooner I have no idea. It's a perfect place to type and eat at the same time! :P ) then off to have dinner and fun w/Irma. Man, that Bill's chinese is some good chinese!

This upcoming weekend has another payday (woo hoo) and I'll be hanging out with my girl Shanna on Friday ("Saturday")...I think our plan is to go to Muffuletta's in St. Paul for food and then who knows what.

Next week is the dreaded (or much anticipated?) turkey day. Since I've had so little contact w/my parent's lately (uh, the car issues, my mother's declining health and subsequent drastic mood swings haven't had me exactly eager to talk to her) I'm not sure if I should even mention us getting together for dinner that day. Part of me wants to. As previously mentioned, I love having my own family to get together with on these bloody holidays but the other part of me is like...nah, I'm over it. I'm making up my own rules now and I don't need the family like I once did. Then again, what's the alternative? I don't think I'd want to join anyone else so I could just enjoy having the day off, all to myself. Ooooh. I like the sound of THAT! (Do I even want to talk about the fact that I completely blew off my mother's b-day on the 14th? As JW's they don't celebrate but I don't usually let that stop me from acknowledging it. But this year I said 'eh. Whatever. Per texts exchanged with my bro. supposedly she didn't say anything or notice so ...whew?)

And then again, I could find out why my parent's are refusing to talk to my Aunt. I'm dying of curiosity but I'm sure it just has to do with their disgust at her unwillingness (!) to completely change her life and do what they want her to do...move up here and leave her family behind. Now granted, her family have not made her life any easier (they really are a couple of ...pieces of work) but until you walk a mile in someone elses shoes, you shouldn't judge! She is beset by her own health problems and stuck in a life that she didn't exactly plan on. She's doing her best and I just have the greatest amount of sympathy for her.

Admittedly, I haven't been down to visit her in months (getting time off of work has been impossible and when I am there, even I get depressed and overwhelmed at the amount of shit she deals with on a daily basis!) ...I should get down to see her soon though, even if it is only for the day. She needs a hug and a shoulder and just somebody in her corner. I can do that.

She's my favorite aunt and over the past few years we've gotten closer. I don't talk about her much to everyone but she is very important to me. She's my mom's youngest sister and the one that I've adored since I could remember. She's lived out of state most of my life and as mentioned it's only the past few years that we've gotten close and become friends. She came to live up here for awhile to take care of my uncle before he died and that's when we got together as adults and started to really bond. She's currently living in Florida. (Am I also thinking of a visit because it's getting colder up here? You betcha!) ...

It recently crossed my mind that I've got all these people in my life but they're all in little separate compartments and they never really mix. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Blimey. It's going on 4am soon and I really should call it a night. B is supposed to be coming over in like 5 1/2 hours and I should get some sleep.

So much more to say but I think I'll just quit here for now.

ttfn.

Oh. I thought I had something to say.

But now I'm not so sure. Oh sure, I could blather on about the usual. It's my weekend and I'm just chillin. Have a ton of TV to catch up on but can't seem to get motivated. I keep getting distracted by other things online (not just the Facebook game stuff..which I've finally gotten under control...really!)

Well, maybe tonight. I was supposed to be cooking dinner (pork chops and roasted potatoes) for the man but he's sick. He never gets sick but somehow he picked up an especially evil cold and I'm not gonna risk getting it. Poor baby. He can't even take a day off of work.

So I've been listening constantly to those 2 songs I talk about in the post from the other day, "I'd Rather Dance With You" by Kings of Convenience and "Elevator Love Letter" by Stars. I've got a 2 song playlist at itunes and I've got the repeat button on. The play count for the first one is at 47 and the latter is 36. This just within the last few days.

I'm just so stressed about work (the pressure to bring talk time down is back amongst other crap!) and these songs make me happy! Like right now I'm listening to the former and bouncing around the bed as I write this. Wheeeeee! Happy Happy music. The former especially. Now if only I could get it as my ringtone I'd be a happy camper.

Tomorrow is dinner and catching up with Irma. Will be fun.

Man, I'm hungry. I've only had a cup of coffee and some apple bread w/cream cheese so far today. So I suppose I'll mosey downstairs and rustle up something. I guess I'm gonna have to do something with the pork in the next couple of days though aren't I since I took it out of the freezer and it's thawing out in the fridge. Maybe I should cook the stuff for Irma tomorrow night but we've been talking about Bill's chinese and now I'm craving that...(sorry R!)

Tra la la...and here we go again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'd rather dance with you than talk with you
So why don't we just move into the other room
There's space for us to shake, and hey, I like this tune

Even if I could hear what you said
I doubt my reply would be interesting for you to hear
Because I haven't read a single book all year
And the only film I saw, I didn't like it at all

I'd rather dance, I'd rather dance than talk with you
I'd rather dance, I'd rather dance than talk with you
I'd rather dance, I'd rather dance than talk with you

The music's too loud and the noise from the crowd
Increases the chance of misinterpretation
So let your hips do the talking
I'll make you laugh by acting like the guy who sings
And you'll make me smile by really getting into the swing
Getting into the swing, getting into the swing
Getting into the swing, getting into the swing
Getting into the swing, getting into the swing
Getting into the swing, getting into the swing...

(Getting to the swing...)
I'd rather dance, I'd rather dance than talk with you
I'd rather dance, I'd rather dance than talk with you
I'd rather dance, I'd rather dance than talk with you
I'd rather dance, I'd rather dance than talk with you
I'd rather dance with you
I'd rather dance with you
I'd rather dance with you

****

because B sometimes I'd rather dance (or "dance" you pick) with you.

So there (again!)

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

Keep up the good work. You've set up some wonderful precedents and new habits for yourself over the past couple of months. Don't let your intrinsic laziness kick in and sabotage all that now. You know what the good stuff is. Maintain that momentum, and if you really need some down time, carve it out of the rest of your life; don't feel as though your new great habits are what's keeping you from all the lounging and taking it easy you also like to do. Actually, if you work things right, you should be able to get more done that you really want to do and be lazier than ever before. This week, think up ways to do exactly that.

******

Is it any wonder why I really dig the horoscope done by CC from Seattle Weekly? The dude knows ME!!!!

Better late than never

It finally occurred to me tonight to ask my "cast" how they felt about being in my blog. At the same time, how can I write about my life without writing about the great people in it?

But I want to be respectful. I'm not happy with myself that it took until now to get around to asking how they felt about it.

===

Oh happy "Monday". Tonight, after I got home from work, I was telling J that when I acknowledge needing an attitude adjustment about work that it usually helps and work isn't pure torture. That was the case today. Oh sure, it's still gonna drive me crazy but I'm finding other ways to relieve the stress these days and it's helping (yup, being addicted to FarmVille & Cafe World is actually doing something good for me!)

......

Am totally and passionately in LOVE LOVE LOVE with this song...



that is thanks to pandora.com and this one too, this one thanks to the current.

and the latter video is FUCKING FANTASTIC



though should i be skeeved about a grown man dancing with little girls? Nah, this is too cute!

----

Whoa! Kinda fun pulling myself out of FV & CW and seeing more of the lovely things there are out there in the world.

Been catching up on some TV the past couple of days. But lots more to see. And the poor neglected pile of books from the library...I really should return them, unread and just come back to them another time...when I get back into a heavy reading mode.

4 more days to go and then another weekend!!!! Wait, didn't I just say I was having a better attitude about work? Bugger. Well, I still love my weekends more.

There is something to be said for being fully present in the moment

Dinner at La Casita tonight w/my honey. For a restaurant in a suburb, they're really good. I like that they make their salsa fresh every day and it's not that chunky.

Then a really really nice time with him afterward.

Now he's gone and I'm here online and am catching up on email. One email from someone who I am recently back in contact with (and who doesn't know me very well anymore) contained a question about the commitment level from B and this is what I had to say in response...

"Oh believe me, he is as committed as he can be and I'm very happy with the level of it. It's been over 6 years that we've been together this time and that's the longest "on" we've been during our relationship (which has been on and off about 15 years.) He's watched me go through so many changes and deal with some real sadness and pain AND lets me "test" him constantly and he keeps loving me. He's seen my dark and my light sides and still thinks I'm interesting, sexy, smart, adorable after all this time."

That doesn't quite give the whole story but it's important.

So there.

La di da or the end of a chapter.

Happy Saturday to me. Have just been being a bum as usual. Had a better "Friday" night than usual because I went over to R's after work and set him up on a buddy pass so he can go to Georgia this weekend. Afterward to Applebee's for some late night food.

I like helping people travel for cheap because of my job. Somebody's got to be benefiting from it! I guess I should be thinkin' about taking a trip soon but to where? One of the places on my list? Eh. We'll see. I have to get some more time off first, which is proving to be impossible these days with how busy we are with merger crap.

Date with my sweetie tonight. We never managed to have our morning "date" this week so we get to have a real date night instead. Works for me. Either way, I'm happy to spend time with him.

So just killin' time right now before jumping in the shower.

I guess I should make some time to catch up on some TV at some point...maybe after B leaves, I'll catch up on a couple of shows. Then I'll head over and pick R up and take him to the airport so he can catch his insanely early flight tomorrow morning. (I'm up super late anyway, so y'all just keep that in mind if you need a ride to the airport at 3/4 in the morning!)

I guess I should get around to writing the SPCO and tell them that I'm quitting. I'm dithering about though, trying to think of what to say but I suppose it really doesn't have to be that complicated does it? It's just the right time and for the best I think. All I feel is resentful for going over there and with winter approaching...the hassles of parking are just not worth it. There are better things I can do with my time on my days off...such as see my friends more...right? Right!

Still it will be the end of a chapter that has lasted for 5 years. I had lost my job with USFCU and was moving back to St. Paul and the job with them came along at the right time. It was the perfect job for me at the time because I needed a place where I felt confident and safe...getting back into arts ticketing was like putting on a favorite sweater. So I did it and worked only for them for a couple of years, then went off and had my experience with the opera (while yet, still officially working for the SPCO having not given notice) and then after that ended, went back to work for SPCO with my tail tucked between my legs. Then knowing I really needed constant, steady full-time employment, found the job with the airline. (How hard could airline ticketing be since I'd already done arts ticketing for YEARS? Ha ha...little did I know it would be one of the ..hardest? ...jobs I'd ever have!)

I'm sad that my working there never led to a position of full-time work because I really really love(d) arts ticketing. Sadly, between a couple of incidents of losing my temper and my proclaiming my intent to move to England, I lost out on the chance to get a couple of full-time jobs that I applied for...well, I'm pretty sure those were the main factors why I didn't get them. Then again, in all of the non-profit arts organizations I've worked at, there was always some reason I didn't get a full-time job that I wanted and it's a wonder why I stuck around the field so long. I wanted it so badly but kept not succeeding. (No wonder I was on fucking cloud nine when the opera finally said "yes, we want to offer you the position of Ticket Office Manager"...having worked in the ticketing for years, I was finally being rewarded for my dedication and hard work and plus I was damn good at it too!) (Yup, another reason why Beth's post really resonated with me!)

So I've had to just tuck all those dreams away because it hurt too much to keep trying for jobs I wasn't going to get. So with a variety of reasons I don't know combined with the fact that I wasn't perfect and I made some mistakes along the way has/had ruined my chances in a field that has way too small of a playing field in this town.

I think it really is time just to let that part of my life go. Move on. While it's been fun to have the coolness factor of being able to say "I work for the SPCO", it's really mostly part of my past and a reminder of where I failed. I'll focus on getting my shit together attitude-wise and see if I can't get somewhere else besides reservations at work.

Upward AND onward.

(Note: It's done. I just sent the email to the Ticket Office Mgr/Asst. Mgr giving my notice. Just one more concert to work, the day after turkey day but then I'm done!)

Are you reading her blog too?

So one of the blogs ("Sum of Me") I follow is by this chick named Beth and it fucking just rocks. She's honest, funny, insightful and I relate to her words more often than not. I've copied from her before and now I officially have permission to copy/paste things from one of her latest posts that took the thoughts and words right out of my mouth on the topic of, well, you'll see. It cuts right to the heart of what I didn't know I was feeling until I read it ...so I knew I had to share it here... So without further ado...(and only slightly edited because most of what she writes is exactly what I am feeling/thinking and anything in bold is in bold because of me)

"My problem, I've realized - I mean in life...my problem is that I just don't seem to be all that excited about much of anything anymore. That's not really the word, excited. Or passionate or enthusiastic or interested, though it all feeds into those things. It's just that I'm not committed to much of anything, and I don't want to be. I could be. It's a mental trick, deciding to really throw yourself into something. And I could do it, but I don't. I think my job - a few jobs back, the one I mostly loved except for the bad management...That one. That whole episode did something to me that I thought would get fixed in time, in the right situation. But it won't get fixed. At least not by itself. [OMG - does this describe the whole opera thing or what????!!!!!! You don't think so? Keep reading]

I worked really, really hard at that job. And I loved it. Even when I hated it, I loved it. It sucked my life and energy away, and the problem was that it didn't give much of anything back to me. ...You throw yourself into it, you do the best job you can - a job that everyone tells you is really, truly, better work than they ever expected. You outdo yourself. You amaze yourself, that you could do so much and so well. The most boring and minute detail, you could make interesting to yourself. No task too small, etc etc.

And you don't get shit for it. I mean, I know it's supposed to be its own reward and everything. And it is, in a ton of ways. But I worked and worked and waited for my reward. And it never came. It comes for other people. People you know are not nearly as talented, as smart, as good at what they do. You learn the race isn't always to the swift. Good work isn't always rewarded. No one much gives a shit about your potential. It's growing up, is all, when you really finally learn that to the point of certainty. Just because I cared about a thing so much that it invaded my dreams and ate up nearly every brain cell I had, that didn't mean it'd give me any tangible results. Nothing like getting the stars casually wiped right out of your eyes.

So I just turned it off, that drive. Fuck it, I'll just do a decent job, not kill myself. Just give me my paycheck and call it a day. I don't need more than that, I figured. And now I miss the intangibles, that feeling of doing something, anything, that I really, truly care about. The satisfaction of doing it so well that everyone marvels and I'm delighted. I miss it, but I turned it off and can't seem to turn it back on again. I guess I'm just scared. Or tired. And entirely certain that it will always lead to disappointment, so why put bother putting myself in a position I know will lead to all kinds of dashed hopes.

Mostly it's that I'm chickenshit. I know that.

I don't know why I'm blathering about it. It pertains to my situation at work just now, I guess - I could do the job so much better if I could make myself care....I just don't care that much about anything. And I wondered to myself why and here's the answer, comes blurting out when I sit down to blog. As usual."

>>>>>>>>>>

Fuckin' A. She hit the nail on the head.

Now all of this is not to say that I don't like my life (and I know I'm pretty damn lucky in a lot of ways) but I sure am playing it safe too. What is that getting me? While safety and security are fine, what about becoming invested in something else again? But what?

Well, I'm just gonna have to do some serious thinkin' on it aren't I? See if it lights a fire under me...

Then again, doing this blog is my new passion but is it enough?

Now THIS is what I'm talking about!

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): It might be tempting to turn your home into a womb-like sanctuary and explore the mysteries of doing absolutely nothing while clad in your pajamas. And frankly, this might be a good idea. After the risks you've taken to reach out to the other side, after the bridges you've built in the midst of the storms, after the skirmishes you've fought in the Gossip Wars, you have every right to retreat and get your homebody persona humming at a higher vibration. So I say: Be meticulously leisurely as you celebrate the deep pleasures of self-care.

From freewillastrology (City Pages)

A little of this, a little of that

My computer is running reaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllly slow and freezing up lately. It's pissing me off big time. I've "defragged" "disk clean-up"'d, etc. No luck. I think it might be the couple of movies that I downloaded from Graboid that's slowing me down. So I either better hustle and watch 'em, decide to delete 1 of them w/out watching ("Atonement") or delete both (the other is "The Brothers Bloom") ...we'll see what I get around to tonight. I could always request "Atonement" from the library. I've waited this long to see it, what's another few months? And the other movie? Well, I really wanted to see it after watching a preview on Hulu. Maybe I'll open it up and see if it's the real deal. (Graboid is like a Limewire but for TV/Movies.)

OK, made a decision. Just deleted both. The latter because I discovered that I didn't have the whole movie and the former because, well, just because. I'll just do the library thing or find it elsewhere online sometime.

But I'm acting as if I'm going to be able to tear myself away from my latest obsession....

I'm totally addicted to some Facebook "games" right now. Farmville and Cafe World. (Yoville is next!) How insane is that there are a MILLION things to do online (it's not just for porn!) and I'm getting off on "cooking" food, planting seeds/trees & then harvesting stuff. I think it might have something to do with control and seeing something through from start to finish. How often do we get pleasure from those things in real life? Actually maybe that just says something about my own life...I feel out of control so I'm taking it where I can, even if it's not in the real world.

Or maybe it's just fucking games and I'll grow bored with them soon enough.

Ah, happy hump day to me.

Pumpkin bread cooling downstairs. Think I'll mosey on down and try it out. (It's a frozen just-pop-in-the-oven version I'm trying out for the first time)...

Oh, exciting news! J is getting a new dishwasher for the house! Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet! I hate dishes but I don't mind loading and unloading a dishwasher! I had to hug her when she told me the news.

Hmm, what else, oh...yeah, my weekend was awesome. First day off was "jammie" day as previously reported (you get why that really is a lovely thing right? That the girls are free to breathe and be loose and free, not confined to a cage that it takes forever to get them into then and is uncomfortable all day...someday maybe I'll find the perfect cage....)

Then on Friday/Sunday, after working a shift at the SPCO (ooh, that reminds me, got an email about December shifts...this is a good time for me to decide if I'm gonna quit or not....?)
I got together with Shanna for a late dinner. After preparing ourselves for and with a treat, off to Pizza Luce' on Lyndale we go. Yummy. Just yummy. We ended up w/hoagies though because little miss fussy eater here didn't want to have quite the same kind of pizza Shanna wanted.

And those mints! More please! (Just thinking about them makes my mouth water :P )

It's nice to just have a good meal and some conversation with someone isn't it?

Hmm, what else? Work OK...back to the not-hating-it right now (but could that be because I'm sneaking in updates to my FB games in between phone calls??? I am baaaaaaaaaaaaad!)

This upcoming weekend should be fun. Going to get together w/Irma to do something...not sure what yet, but it'll be fun to catch up with her...it's payday on Friday and I'm gonna be so happy! I've kinda blown through my last check...buying new sheets was not quite in the budget but I did it anyway!

Ciao for now.