Goodbye 2013, Hello 2014!

So the weirdest thing is happening right now. I'm exchanging texts with my upstairs neighbor and it's awesome. I'm finally asking if I have the volume on music up too high (so far, no) and we're talking about the guy who lives upstairs in the front part of the house, who plays the electric guitar loudly (and is not the friendliest.)

I've decided tonight I'm just going to write about the things I'm doing as I'm doing them.

It's fucking cold outside and I'm so glad I'm inside, on a comfortable sofa, with warm fuzzy blankets (thanks K! She really gets that I'm a homebody. God bless her.)

I was supposed to have another NYE with M but he's "wussed out" on me this year so it's just me. And I'm going to have a really good night.  I've got treats and booze. I've got internet access. And the best part???

I have the day off tomorrow.

Don't get me wrong...I really like my job (hmm, said I loved it the last time I mentioned work...hmmm) but I LOVE LOVE days off.

And now the pizza (from Pizza Luce) that I'm treating myself to is here.

Later.

Back and very full.

Random post-y thing from FB...

Some horoscope thing and 2014.

LEO - The Lion (July 23 to August 22)
Great talker. Attractive and passionate. Laid back. Usually happy but when unhappy tend to be grouchy and childish. A Leo's problem becomes everyone's problem. Most Leos are very predictable and tend to be monotonous. Knows how to have fun. Is really good at almost anything. Great kisser. Very predictable. Outgoing. Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Good when found. 7 years of bad luck if you do not share this post.

Love how it's all this random shit (that does and does not apply to me) and then ...BAM they have me. 

Loves being in long relationships. 

Bloody hell. 

Well currently I'm very happy in my long time relationship. He reminded me recently just how nice it is to just be together.  I like his company. I like him as well as love him (and you know how important I think that is) and after all of the years I've known him, he can still surprise and delight me.

And a song is playing that by an artist he once told me he liked...

Janet Jackson ...and how fitting the song is "That's the Way Love Goes".

That's the way love goes.

So now, to put the leftover pizza away (I didn't eat it all! Yay me.) and figure out what I'm going to do next. 

I'm torn between trying to find something brilliant to do and really making this night special and significant (it's New Years Eve for gods sake) and doing what I usually do on a day off...nothing.

Or I could finally start doing some laundry... 

...before I forget...this is also something I wanted to be sure to write about tonight... 

The Year In Review. Part I

It's been a big year. 

1. E was born and I became an aunt for the first time.
2. I moved again
3. Kept the job (for another year)
4. I've had some of the best...finished/styled hair I've ever had (and I really really need to learn how to do it myself)
5. I fucking joined the gym at work.

Reality Check.

So now having joined the gym at work, all I can think about is what my plan (and goal?) is in doing that.

In being honest with myself, it's to help me lose weight.  From what I've read, that can't be the focus though...exercising and eating right are important steps but recovery from the BED has to be about self-love, self-acceptance and all that stuff.

And yet because it is partially about the exercise and eating better. I've decided that I still need to do this MY way and that is...gradually.

My fridge is full of fruit, veggies, yogurt and 12 grain bread. Along with cheese, ham and caramel rolls. And I'm going to incorporate all of those things that I consider good for me and bad for me into my meals.  And I just have to eat the damn good stuff before it expires or goes bad.

And exercising will be something I ease myself into ...not expecting too much from myself too soon.

If I "play" the movie, what I want to see is myself as a size 16/18. (And that is not a skinny person.) I see the curvy, sexy woman who enjoyed life a little bit more. That is the picture in my head but not the one reflected back in photos nor the mirror.

And I think she's in there somewhere, I think.

And I think I'm going to have call that program and go forward and get help. I have to realize that I don't have to do it alone. I have to remember that I've gotten help for things in the past and they've [usually] helped.

And I have to remember that my life is worth all of this. I have so many people to be thankful for. I've got so many things to be thankful for.

Lucky me.

Let's Get Physical

I joined the gym at work tonight.

We'll see how it goes.

Very Helpful Reading...Continued

One thing I didn't mention about that book...

9 Things You Simply Must Do To Succeed In Love and Life by Henry Cloud

is that the author is a ...believer. As in there are scriptures quoted throughout the book and what is interesting is that I didn't stop reading the minute the first one was quoted.

He made them...palatable for lack of a better word.

(I do say that while I might have left organized religion behind, it doesn't mean I stopped believing in God.)

Since I didn't finish sharing the highlights of the 9 things I thought I'd continue here, in another post as opposed to editing the other.

So where were we?

Principle 5: Act Like an Ant

When you have a great and difficult task, something perhaps almost impossible, if you only work a little at a time, every day a little, suddenly the work will finish itself. Isak Dinesen.

Why is it taking this particular chapter to drive it home to me that while I moan and groan about seeing weight loss as a mountain too high to climb that maybe I'm focusing too much on the destination and not the journey?

Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs. Henry Ford

...no successful person ever lost [thirty] without losing one. The another one. Then another.

[Sidebar: I've been toying with the idea of admitting I might need more help in this area of my life than just going it alone.

During the first appointment with the therapist, she mentioned there is this thing called The Emily Program that is for people who struggle with eating disorders.

I scoffed a bit but when reading this ...

Binge-eating disorder is characterized by recurrent binge-eating episodes during which a person feels a loss of control over his or her eating. Unlike bulimia, binge-eating episodes are not followed by purging, excessive exercise, fasting, or other behaviors to “compensate” for the binge. As a result, people with binge-eating disorder may become obese. They also experience guilt, shame and/or distress about the binge-eating—which in turn can lead to more binge-eating episodes.

There is truth in that paragraph. And my attitude toward food is fucked up. I'm obsessed with it. What my next meal is going to be. Do I have enough money for food? My life revolves around food and my desire for it. Not just as nourishment and to keep me going but always worrying about do I have enough. Making sure I eat enough to make me beyond full because unless I'm full, I'm not satisfied. And thinking that the portion sizes are too small for me. 

And honestly answering the questions...

1. Do you feel like you sometimes lose or have lost control over how you eat? Yes.
2. Do you ever make yourself sick because you feel uncomfortably full? Yes.
3. Do you believe yourself to be fat, even when others say you are too thin? Ha. Nope, this one doesn't apply but it's the only one here that doesn't.
4. Does food or thoughts about food dominate your life? Totally.
5. Do thoughts about changing your body or your weight dominate your life? Yes.
6. Have others become worried about your weight? Yes (even though they might not be saying anything in the face of my stubbornness and refusal to admit I need help.)

Admitting I need help makes me feel like I'm admitting to something big and huge and scary.

But the reality is that there is a big disconnect between what I think I look like in my head and what is reflected back when I see myself in a mirror or in pictures.

While I want to just accept myself as I am, I want the picture I see in my head and that's of myself when I was a size 16 or so.  So maybe it's time I try not doing it alone or without professional support for a change.]

Principle 6: Hate Well

What we hate says a lot about who we are, what we value, what we care about. And how we hate says much much about how we will succeed in love and life.

Character is in part formed by what we hate, because we move to be different from whatever that is.

Go hard on the issue, and soft on the person.

Things that you do not like are going to happen, and you are going to experience negative feelings. The question is this: will that response be constructive or destructive?

Principle 7: Don't Play Fair

If a person with whom I had a relationship made an error or did something detrimental to the relationship, I would want to help him or her see it, fix it and do better. I would want to be a force to help raise them up, not drag them down.

Give back better than you are given.

People who succeed in life do not go around settling scores. They do not even keep score.

...turn the world and others into one of them-the kind of person who wants the best for everyone and wants everyone to do better than he or she is doing.

...not forever held up in the past, bitter, or dragged down by old hurts and grievances that are still alive in their souls. Forgiving and letting go have set them free.

Principle 8: Be Humble

Pride is concerned with who is right. Humility is concerned with what is right. Ezra Taft Benson

1. Successful people show kindness, understanding, and help to others who fail.
2. Successful people are not derailed by their own failures; they accept them as a normal part of the process.

Self-confidence and belief in yourself comes from accepting flaws and mistakes and realizing you can go forward and grow past them, and that you can learn from them.

...do at least two things very well....
1. They admit it quickly when they are wrong.
2. They receive correction and confrontation from others well.

It is really true that we do not know it all, we do not have all the answers, we do not always get it right, we are just as imperfect as the next person, and we are not right or good all the time. 

Principle 9: Upset the Right People

I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure, which is try to please everybody. Herbert Bayard Swope

...do not make decisions based on the fear of other people's reactions...

...[boat] autopilot does not allow external actions to alter its course...
...kept someone happy, but they have lost their own way...if they had not been afraid of getting a little wet or plowing through bumpy water...the bump would be behind them, and the sea would eventually smooth out and return to calm. [If it did not, then there was a deeper problem in that sea of relationship to begin with, and no amount of pleasing or appeasing is likely to help.]

What you should do, and what someone's response is going to be, are two very different issues.

 ...and he's listed twelve steps (!) to applying the 9 things...

1. Do Not Go It Alone
2. Receive Wisdom
3. Receive Feedback and Correction
4. Find Models
5. Review Your Patterns
6. Deal with Impediments
7. Add Structure
8. Practice, Practice, Practice, and Fail
9. Change Your Beliefs
10. Quarantine Your Weaknesses
11. Put Your Vision and Goals on Paper
12. Pray, Pray, Pray

So I finished reading it and jotted down these things and now it's all swirling around in my head. I think I'll just let it all sit for a bit ....though I'm already ...pulling teeth.  And I know I'll be happier once some of them are pulled.

*sigh*

And so ... Onward.

Very Helpful Reading.

I came across this book while browsing books on the library website and borrowed it, thinking, hmm, OK and it turns out it's ...really good.

And I'm finding myself wanting to ...practice what it preaches...

9 Things You Simply Must Do To Succeed In Love and Life by Henry Cloud
 A Psychologist Learns from His Patients What Really Works and What Doesn't

And I'm feeling inspired ...more than I am by having seen a therapist twice now (well, this time around.)

And I feel the need to document, in writing, the 9 things ...so here goes:

         (Deja Vu People)
 
Principle 1: Dig It Up

There is no shortage of things in life that can cause you to bury your heart and soul
...Your job is to dig it all up and then do one of two things: sow it or throw it away...

Principle 2: Pull the Tooth

Facing things that truly are negative and either fixing them or figuring out that they they can't be fixed and letting them go.

Either the {dental work} is done or the teeth are pulled. Either the broken car is fixed or the tow truck is called. Either the movie channels are watched or they are canceled.

...anything that is negative...either working on it and not allowing it to remain negative ...or realizing that there is no hope and moving on.

Successful people do not hang on to bad stuff for long

Let it go. Move on. Pull the tooth.

Wishing vs. hoping.

Principle 3: Play the Movie

What will happen in the end?

The future will come. ...Three years from now...That date is coming period. It is not optional. Three years from now will come and you will be alive. I repeat, The three years is not optional. It is going to come and pass. You will be here. ...and since that day is going to come three years from now, on that day do you want...to still be hating your life?

...The movie is not optional , but where its plot-line goes is. 

Principle 4: Do Something

Doesn't matter what the cause is...if it rains, you didn't cause that...but it is your head that gets soaked if you don't come in out of the rain or open up an umbrella...

It does not matter whether they think they are to blame or not. They will ask themselves, What can I do to make things better?

Principle 5: Act Like an Ant

Principle 6: Hate Well

Principle 7: Don't Play Fair
                        (hmm, I haven't gotten this far yet.)

Principle 8: Be Humble

Principle 9: Upset the Right People

                                                          (Becoming a Deja Vu Person)

☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯

And right now I'm making a list of my current financial obligations. I need to look them straight in the eye and deal with them.

I may not be able to deal with all of my ...issues right now but I could deal with one of them and by getting these bills paid, I can breathe a bit better (OK, so maybe the therapy is helping too. So far there's been a lot of talk about breathing and being here in the present.)

So Stay Tuned. Apparently it's time to Get My Shit Together time again. 

My Mother Has Four Noses

I just got home from treating myself to a "night out" ...I bought myself a ticket to see my favorite singer, Jonatha Brooke perform a show to she wrote about her mother. It was at the Guthrie and it was ...wonderful.

The PLAY 

My Mother Has Four Noses

Three Septembers ago I moved my mother to New York. She was in the mid stages of Alzheimer's. I had no idea what I was getting in to. But there was no question I would be there for her. We had quite an adventure - my "real life" on the back burner, my "career" all but halted. But our very vivid, very "real" life together was, at times, great theatre.

Mom was a character. In fact I've always thanked her on stage for all the good material (she's right! As a long time fan, having seen her in concert, she sure did!) Ironically, in her last two years, she found her best audience ever - Me. She was funny, she was impossible. My only instinct: write it, sing it, tell it. It was her instinct too: Almost daily she would say, "Boolie, (my nickname) "That's good! are you getting this down? We should make a play out of it!!"

Well I was getting it down. "My Mother Has Four Noses" is what came of it: A play and a new album of the songs that weave in and out of the telling...."

I had no idea what kind of night I was in for and it was...brilliant and heartbreaking.

This is what a message I sent to her (via FB) ...written on the long bus ride home from Minneapolis to St. Paul.

Hi. Long long time fan writing to say thank you for ...well, sharing yet another piece of your heart and soul with the world. I was at the performance tonight, Tuesday, at the Guthrie and much as I wanted to stay after I let the prospect of the journey home (to St. Paul via several buses, at night, in winter) propel me out the door the minute the lights went up. I wanted my mother to come with me to see this and I really wish she had. She's a writer and poet and larger than life personality and while she isn't suffering from dementia or Alzheimer's she has several serious medical issues related to congestive heart failure and type 2 diabetes on top of the disability of her equilibrium being gone for several decades now (long story) ...anyway... She's been in the hospital over a dozen times over the last couple of years and so much of what you shared was so...spot on in describing the highs and lows, the joys and pains of dealing with the reality of an aging mother who you love so much. Watching them fight what is happening to them and the things they are doing to make sure they leave their mark on the world outside of their children (my mother is currently rewriting her first novel) is both exciting and heartbreaking. I cried tonight...at times trying not to sob and interrupt.... So anyway, again, thank you for sharing. All of that I now realize you have already shared bits and pieces of in and through your music all of these years and adds extra layers to what I already loved. I hope this show is put on DVD at some point because I would love to share it with my mother. Thank you again.

...
 
So just another significant moment in my life that I'm needing to ...share and make sure I never forget about.

Jonatha has been my favorite singer for probably about 20 years now (OMG, yes, apparently 20 years now) and at times her music has been the soundtrack to certain parts of my life.

Here are the lyrics to a couple of my favorites...

Because I Told You So

If I gave you the sky
If I laid down my life
Would you believe me then?
If I promised to change
If I carried the blame
Would you believe me then?

Could you see it like me
And believe what I see
Could you listen, and remember that I love you
Only, because I told you, because I told you so.

If you told me you lied
But I stayed true and tried
Would you believe me then?
And if your beauty was gone
But my love lingered on
Would you believe me then?

Could you see it like me
And believe what I see
Could you listen and remember that I love you
Only,
Because I told you, because I told you so.

You take the wheel for now
I'm too tired to drive this one home anyhow,
For now
And when you mention my name
Let this one thing remain,
My love,
Believe me now.

and

Everything I Wanted

So this is how it feels to be happy, to find real true love
To be wanted, to be real
We throw away the rest of the past, every small broken thing
We find new things that will last

And everything's the same but my name
And I have everything I wanted
For a change I'm not ashamed
And I have everything I wanted

It's another gorgeous day in Miami, I am missing you
Can you hear me, are you real
Never home for long we are passing in our dreams at night
But we send signals we can feel

And everything's the same but my name
And I have everything I wanted
For a change, I'm not ashamed
And I have everything I wanted
We make do, we get by
We don't know how or why
We lose track, were we happy?
Could we take anything back? If we could,
Would we try?

And every single day I am grateful, I hold my heart in my hands
And I love you, this is real

And everything's the same but my name
And I have everything I wanted
For a change I'm not ashamed
And I have everything I wanted
For a change I'm not the same
And I have everything I wanted
For a change I'm not to blame
and I have everything I wanted

Not ashamed, everything I wanted
Not to blame, everything I wanted
For a change, everything I wanted
not ashamed.

I could copy and paste lyrics all night but I think you get the point. Deep, meaningful lyrics that speak for me. Say things I didn't know I wanted to say.

And on that note, I'm going to put myself to bed now, with her songs singing me to sleep.

Goodnight.

Work Friends

Today I was feeling some love for some of the people I work with.

We work in teams and as I'm getting to know my team members more, the more I like them. I mean I already thought everyone was OK, but this is more than that. We're all so different...at different places in our lives from each other and yet, we come together to do this job. And we respect each other. And we all help each other out.

N (soon-to-be-divorced mother of 3, tall, blond, blunt, insightful, funny, strong woman in her sexual prime) was making me laugh (see text from 06Dec) and I was missing P's (wife, mother/step-mother, grandmother, long time employee, surrogate big sister) calming presence, it struck me that they are just as important to me as my dearest friends out of work (R & K, I...) and it's because they all truly let me be myself. They care about me and listen to me.

And I'm so thankful for them. I tried to share this video with just them on FB on Thanksgiving, but I don't know if any of them saw it (and I'm afraid to ask anyone other than N) so maybe I'll just put it here. Here is where I want to "put things on the record."

So without further ado...here is a dedication to a very special bunch of people in my life.

(Note: I looked up the lyrics for this song and then debated about if it really was the right song to express thanks for being accepted for myself ... and they weren't quite right but the sentiment is spot on and simple.)

Thank you for letting me be myself.

Life is a Rollercoaster

"Life Is A Rollercoaster"

Hey baby you really
Got my tail in a spin
Hey baby I don't even
Know where to begin
But baby I got one thing
I want you to know
Wherever you go tell me
'Cause I'm gonna go

[CHORUS:]
We found love,
So don't hide it
Life is a rollercoaster,
Just gotta ride it
I need you,
So stop hiding
Our love is a mystery
Girl, let's get beside it

Hey baby, you really
Got me flying tonight
Hey sugar, you almost
Got us punched in a fight
(That's all right)
And baby you know one
Thing I gotta know
Wherever you go, tell me
'Cause I'm gonna show

[Repeat chorus]

Can't you feel my heart?
Can't you feel my heart?
Can't you take my heart?

[Repeat chorus]

So don't fight it,
Fight it, fight it
[x3]

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Just got off the phone with my mother...and she almost sounds like herself again. We've survived another medical... drama.

She wanted to ask if I'd received the pages she sent me. She wrote a book decades ago (on a typewriter no less!) called "Predictions". A fictional story based on her friends and herself when she was a teenager and young woman.

I remember reading it years ago and it was good. She has decided now is the time to finish her unfinished work. She's having to type it all again because she wants it "on the computer" and is also rewriting as she goes.

She wants my notes and feedback on what she's done so far. That my opinion really matters to her I've never doubted (this is not the first time she's wanted it on anything she's written) and it's nice to know she thinks I'm as smart as I am. :P

While my mother may have her health issues, she is still who she is and that is a writer. She's had some poetry published and written 3 books, including this one. Maybe someday one of her books will get published too. I would hope that for her.

I'm glad she's finding things to keep her motivated to keep taking care of her self and doing things that make her happy.

☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯  ☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯

Spent some time with R/K & E last night. I love that little guy. I'm really looking forward to watching him grow up...though not too fast. There is so much to learn and look forward to. The first time he recognizes me, the first time he speaks (where do they learn "NO" from?), the first time he crawls and walks.

I'm getting ahead of myself though aren't I? Right now I'm just hoping in the near future I get to babysit. So the next time we get together I want to learn what I would need to do in order to take care of him if I spend the night and let them get some sleep.  I've got changing a diaper down...so now I just need to know the feeding schedule.

While I'm quite confident in my abilities to take care of him, it was nice to hear last night when R expressed his pleasure with my interactions w/E. Them being able to trust me with him is very important. And they can.

I already know there really isn't anything I wouldn't do for them, for him.

My not-so-secret love

And the constant war between love and hate between myself and,,,

Food (What? You thought I was going to say something else?)

Today, Thanksgiving 2013 and I'm taking it really easy. About a week and half ago, I fell and banged up my leg pretty bad. It's slow going healing-wise and today I made the decision to stay off my leg as much as possible.

That meant, not going to Boston Market to pick up lunch for the family and have lunch together. My brother hadn't planned on spending time with the family anyway ....it's just another day to them and he was going over to spend time at his friend D's.

So as he was heading out in the afternoon, I asked him if he would bring me something to eat.  I just wanted to have food I didn't cook. He stopped at Cub Foods and got me a chicken dinner from the deli. And cheesecake. Pumpkin cheesecake.

And that is where the love is...not only being grateful my brother is a good guy and helps me out every once in awhile but that I love eating already prepared foods. I love not making it myself.

The hate (maybe not quite hate) is because I know eating these kinds of foods, for the most part, are not the healthiest options for me (aka they're not vegetables, nor whole grains, nor fruit, etc.)

And while I was eating, I thought to myself "damn, I really love food."

But you know what? Instead of obsessing over the topic of eating/food/self-worth/etc. I'm going to choose to focus on other things right now.

In fact, I'm going to stop writing and I'm going to continue the Thanksgiving holiday tradition I started with myself a few years ago and watch "Home for the Holidays" with Holly Hunter, Dylan McDermott & Robert Downey Jr.

I love this movie. And the older I get the more I appreciate it and can relate to it. It's got a character who has had some setbacks, is not perfect and who has a life that's a little out of control. A character who has a family that is full of crazies that you love anyway and it has some very funny moments. And of course there's a love story too. (You know I'm a sucker for a good love story.)

And a really great soundtrack. My favorite being at the end..."The Very Thought of You" by the late great Nat King Cole.

And I want to dedicate it to a very special man...a man who loves me and makes me feel so alive and happy when we're together.

that's something I'm very thankful for right now.

Thanksgiving Eve 2013

It's probably not a bad idea to think about some things I'm thankful for right now...

1. I have a place to live and enough money to pay rent for December...on time. (It's been awhile.)
2. I have a job that I'm currently really enjoying. (It's been awhile.)
3. Neither parent (especially my mother) is in the hospital right now.
4. I have some really great people in my life.

And Thansgiving 2013 is a week from today.

Lesson to be learned by watching "Top Chef" ...

It's what you do when things go wrong that make you better.

I haven't felt like writing in awhile and it's because there are things I think about that only depress me and I don't want to share them, I'm afraid to put the thoughts and feelings out there, for anyone to see. I don't want to talk about any of the poor choices I've made.

While in the past it's been good for me to write about the things I'm grateful for when I'm needing a reminder that my life doesn't suck and that I'm not a bad person, right now that's not...where I want to go. I don't know if that makes any sense but that's the best way I can describe it right now.

I'm not myself...whoever that is.

So I'm going back into therapy. I need to get some different perspective on the state of my life and the choices I'm making. And I need to start dealing with my parent's health issues and aging. And I need to stop fighting with myself.

I admit my expectations are a bit high but I know therapy has been good for me in the past. So it's time for a tune-up.

I really love music.

Heard this tonight and it reminded me of how much I love this song...

                      ...(Song of the Moment --------------------------------------------------- >>>

"Half Of My Heart"

I was born in the arms of imaginary friends
free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I've been
then you come crashing in, like the realest thing
trying my best to understand all that your love can bring

oh half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
half of my heart takes time
half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
that I can't keep loving you (can't keep loving you)
oh, with half of my heart

I was made to believe I'd never love somebody else
I made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself
lonely was the song I sang, 'til the day you came
Showing me another way and all that my love can bring

oh half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
half of my heart takes time
half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
that I can't keep loving you (can't keep loving you)
oh, with half of my heart
with half of my heart

your faith is strong
but I can only fall short for so long
Down the road, later on
you will hate that I never gave more to you than half of my heart
but I can't stop loving you
I can't stop loving you [x3]
but I can't stop loving you with half of my...

half of my heart
half of my heart

half of my heart's got a real good imagination
half of my heart's got you
half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
that half of my heart won't do

half of my heart is a shotgun wedding to a bride with a paper ring
And half of my heart is the part of a man who's never truly loved anything

half of my heart [x6]

Baby D

So I've not written anything for a while. Been too busy/distracted/down/tired ...pick one or pick all.

The biggest, exciting thing that has happened since the last time I posted is that there is a new love of my life...E R D. Born 24Oct2013. A week early and now a little over 2 weeks old. I met him for the first time at 3 days and WOW. I never thought I would feel that kind of love.

I've been saying to the ladies at work that I didn't really understand until now why they (and people in general) would get so ...gaga for babies and now I so get it.

He is perfect. And I get to be a part of his life...an important part of it.

I am so happy for R and K and I'm so glad she and the baby are happy and healthy.

I'm going to see him again this Sunday and I can't wait.

I knew of course that having a child changes everything but I had no idea. That there is this little person you would do anything for and would die to protect is overwhelming and intense.

I'm doing a bit of reading right now about caring for newborns...I will try to give them a bit of a break when I'm over there....take care of E (hence the research/reading) and let them nap, do some laundry and/or tidying up, etc.

Did I mention I can't wait? If they hadn't had plans for Saturday night already, I would go over on Saturday instead of Sunday but oh well.

I can't wait to snuggle and kiss him. He is so precious. Watching him grow up is going to be pure joy.

Comfort in the Past and Late Night Thoughts

It's going on 1am as I start to write this and I really should be going to bed.

But somehow, someway, I've found myself watching various musical performances on You Tube.

Starting with "Midnight City" by M83, then watching part of (if not all) a bunch of versions of "Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd -videos where Bob Geldof, David Bowie and Kate Bush sang Roger Waters part and videos where Van Morrison and Eddie Vedder sang David Gilmours part. And then I of course had to check on a version done by the Scissor Sisters...

I think "Comfortably Numb" has got to be one of the greatest songs of ALL time. And the version with both Roger Waters and David Gilmour really is the best.

And then ...Tears For Fears. A band I've loved for almost 30 years, who've been part of most of my teenage years and are still a favorite today.

Ah, yes, TFF.

And so now I'm "watching" their live performance [DVD] "Going to California". I had the videotape a couple of decades ago and lent it to someone and never saw it again.

I have loved them since I was 15 years old. Since 1985. Wow. Just typing that makes me feel old.

I had heard "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" on American Bandstand and while the lyrics didn't speak to me like other pop songs did (you know, the ones that had lyrics that I could relate to as a boy-crazy teenage girl that were all literal about love and heartbreak) there was something about this song. The music and the melody was catchy. And who are we kidding, it didn't hurt they were cute and English (have I mentioned I have a thing for men from the U.K.?) ...

So with babysitting money burning a hole in my pocket, I asked my brother to stop in to our local KMart to pick up the cassette tape for me (he worked at the Wendy's right next door and was driving/had a car.)

 "Songs From The Big Chair"

While the whole cassette was filled with mostly too-deep-for-me-at-15 lyrics other than "Head Over Heels", I was crazy about their music. I had never heard anybody like them (and don't think I've really ever heard anyone else like them since, almost 30 years later.)

I was lucky enough to see them in concert.  The one time was with both Curt Smith and Roland Orzabal. (I went with.... ? Byron? Robin S.? Ack, I don't remember! but I do remember it was at the Roy Wilkins Auditorium downtown St. Paul.) Then I later saw [them?] when it was just Roland but he was still using the TFF name. (They had an ugly "break up" in the ....let's just say the 90's and then got back together for an album in the 00's and while they took another break, it wasn't a permanent one because they're finally currently working together on a new release.) (That time it was at First Ave. and while that was an awesome concert, I had a miserable time because I had bought two tickets and the person I was supposed to go with (?) couldn't go and I couldn't find anyone else last minute so I did yet another thing alone. I won't moan and groan right now about all of the many many many things I've done alone in my life because that would be A. boring and B. a rehash of the past and who needs that?)

Anyway, the particular songs on this video that make me ...swoon (there is no better word for it than that) are songs from their last release before the break-up -"Seeds of Love"; "Woman in Chains" (because I am) "Famous Last Words", "Bad Man's Song" and "Year of the Knife."

Roland Orzabal has such a powerful and sexy voice. He has the power to almost bring me to tears.

Then again it wouldn't take much right now.

It was a rough week. I found myself staying home for most of it. I just realized right now that when I do this, this not going to work thing, it's because I need to hide and be sad and not put on a "happy" face. (Why must they all ...notice my "happy" face? Why do I feel like I have to put on a happy face? Because it's what I'm known for? Hmm. Something else to think about.)

Mom went back into the hospital last week and it was really bad for about 3 days before they figured out what was wrong with her. She was in so much pain that she was literally screaming whenever she would make a move of any kind.

She went in on a Wednesday and I spent that entire first day with her and seeing her in that much pain and there being absolutely nothing I could do about it was one of the most awful experiences I've had. 

By Friday there was talk of Pop putting her out of her misery.

I had to give her some tough love and ask her to not just talk the talk with her faith but to walk the walk. She has so much faith in that religion and in ...Jehovah, well, she needed to think about what it would mean if she took her own life. She needed to put her faith in Him and ask him for help. But I also told her (and this is what got me on the edge of hysterical bawling) that I would support her whatever she wanted to do. At this point, we were all thinking they were never going to figure out what was wrong with her and she had nothing to look forward to.

They FINALLY figured out it was gout -again. But this time around, a rare kind that also affected her back and shoulders. Turns out she stopped taking her gout medicine about 4 months ago.

4 FUCKING months ago. Shit.

No wonder she's been...deteriorating. At their anniversary party she didn't get out of her chair.

She thought she didn't need to take it anymore and was tired of having to take so many pills.

She'll never do THAT again!

Anyway, she's getting better everyday and this past Tuesday they moved her into a rehab/transitional care/nursing home until she's strong enough to go home.

And we've got to get her out of there. I went for a visit on Thursday and ...maybe it's ...not a big deal, but the smell. I can't quite describe it but it's ...unpleasant. (Have I ever mentioned my overly developed sense of smell?) I spent my fair share of years around nursing homes growing up between Pop working as a nursing assistant and Mom being a social worker -both in nursing homes, not hospitals and I think I must have blocked that smell out (though just thinking about it now I'm "smelling" it.)

It was also seeing so many elderly people looking so ...old and worn down.

My mother doesn't want to end up in a nursing home and so we've got to keep encouraging her to get as strong as she can so she can do more for herself and ease the burden on Pop. (Turns out my brother being there does help but not as much as I think we'd all hoped he would.)

So it's over a week later and I'm ...exhausted. Emotionally drained.

Worrying about her overwhelms/overwhelmed me and I just shut down this week. I didn't intend to miss as much work as I did but 1 day of PTO turned into 3 and then today I took a vacation day and am feeling physically a wreck. My back and knees are not doing so well.

I have to acknowledge that emotions I've been feeling might have been amplified by the pill. I started taking it again to try to get my cycle regular (TMI, I know but tough titties, this is my blog) and if I'm figuring it out correctly (and it works within a matter of weeks) this past week would have been the week of PMS.

Either way, things are looking up and I've got to get myself back to work on Monday and let life get back to normal.

But I also need to figure out why I'm so stubborn and refuse to change my mind about things I need to re-evaluate. I'm fighting a losing battle and keep hoping things will change on their own. I am clinging so desperately on to things that aren't doing me any good in the overall grand scheme of things.

There are things I want for my life and I have a million and one excuses for why I'm not doing anything about making those things happen.

Or maybe I just need to let it all go and stop thinking so much about all that's wrong and focus on what's right and just stop worrying so much.

Or maybe a little of both. Accept what is but make some small changes? Hmm.

*sigh*

Well, it's now almost 2am and I think I'll finally call it quits.

G'night.

Just some specific song lyrics I like...

"Withdraw"

...I can't keep your loving from my mind
It's worth more than gold, crystals and pride

Oh, I can't withdraw your heart from mine
You're the one thing that sticks right onto my side
No, I can't withdraw your heart from mine
How'd I get so stuck, so stuck to your side?

No I can't withdraw your heart from mine
You're the one thing that sticks, right into my side
I can't withdraw your heart from mine."

Going Beyond The Status Quo

Status quo is a Latin term meaning the existing state of affairs.^[1] It is a commonly used form of the original Latin "statu quo" – literally "the state in which". To maintain the status quo is to keep the things the way they presently are. The related phrase status quo ante, literally "the state in which before", means "the state of affairs that existed previously" (Wikipedia)

At one point does a person go from merely being who they are and living the life they live to changing (at least some of it) for the better?

While my life is wonderful in a lot of ways with good friends, a good job, etc., there are things that are within my control that I can do to make it better.

I'm talking about the weight thing again.

I just had a physical and since this issue has been on my mind for a little while, it of course came up in conversation with the Dr. (Well, it would have anyway considering where my weight is at these days.)

I told her that I felt it was really important that I be in control of the choices I made in eating right and losing weight. It has to be my choice all of the time to ensure that the changes I would be making would be permanent.

Consciously choosing to drink a lot more water. Choosing to not drink soda. Choosing salads and/or vegetables over chips or french fries. Choosing fruits over donuts.

I also said that losing the amount of weight that I'd like to lose seemed like an impossible dream. (It's a mountain too high to climb. A pit I've dug myself into that is too deep to get out of...)

That's really what it comes down to for me. I'm very discouraged by the enormity (pun intended) of the amount I've got to lose before I can look at myself and not turn away in ...disbelief.

If I want to do this the healthy way, we're looking at 1-2 lbs a week. And I'd like to lose about 100 so that means it's going to take me ...fuck, I hate math...I think almost a year to do that. A year. Fuck.

I guess I should maybe just go back to thinking about the "10%" goal I heard about once...that seems less daunting.

I also just might consider doing the Weight Watchers thing. Maybe.

Maybe this is the time that I finally realize that I can't do it on my own.

I guess I also need to take my own advice and just deal with it one moment at a time. One day at a time.

Oh, how I wish there really was a magic pill that would instantly melt the pounds off and keep them off. I understand why the diet industry is so huge. I understand why people would do crazy things all in the name of weight loss.

*sigh*

While I might tempted to try some quick fix...I know that it comes down to changing my eating habits and getting my butt moving. 

Happy 35th Anniversary

When my parent's had their 30th Anniversary 5 years ago I wrote them a letter to go along with the card. It was a letter about them and our family -the 4 of us. Not to brag, but it made everyone (except for my brother) cry.  (Celebrating not only their marriage but acknowledging that we also became a family was something I felt needed to be expressed and part of that celebration.)

Tomorrow, it's their 35th Anniversary. Pop has invited a bunch of people over (and most are of them are from their congregation (past and present)) over to their place for a surprise party for my mother.

And this party -it's a poetry party.  And there will be champagne (oh my!)

I think with all I've written about her, I don't think I've mentioned that among her many talents, she's a writer and that includes writing poetry. It's such a big part of who she is and it's helping her cope with the physical challenges she deals with.

I think it's a good idea that I called Pop this afternoon to because I really needed to know more details about tomorrow. It turns out it's not just going to be poetry, nibbles and champagne...he's also feeding everyone (making his delicious spaghetti.) From what I understand, there are going to be about a dozen people (if not more) there and he's going to need help BIG time.

So I'm going to do whatever I need to to help Pop set this up. (No whining allowed...Sam.)

I'm now realizing that while the impression he has given in the past has led me to think he feels trapped ...I now know that's NOT true. He really loves her. He isn't just staying because he has to. He is doing this because it's what SHE wanted to do for their anniversary.

(Note: I had called him because I wanted to ask if there might be a little time for us to have alone time, just the 3 (or 4) of us because I've been wanting to show them this thing I ...discovered last week, "Henri - Le Chat Noir". You have GOT to see this:



Brilliant. Fucking brilliant. And that's just the first one. There are quite a few more...)

OK... where was I?

Oh, yeah, the anniversary....

And I have to write a poem....

❤❤❤❤❤❤

So I'm working on my poem for the party right now.  I'm nervous about having people I used to know and care about but have lost touch with share in something so personal.

It's a poem written for them, about them, but not only them.  

I also need to admit that I'm feeling a little pressure. Pressure for it to be ...really good. My mom is a good poet and I want to impress her, them. (Impress Pop too of course. He has done a bit of writing himself and that includes poetry.)

What they think matters. And I hope they not only like it, but understand it. I want it to speak to them.

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

So here it is

(Keep in mind, this is the result from being a child of Suzy Sunshine and Eeyore.)

Truly, Madly, Deeply, In Love

It's why books are written and
songs are sung.

A sweeping, grand,
all-consuming thing.

It can lift you
higher than high
and bring you to your knees
and break your heart into a tiny-million pieces
(Dramatic you say? Well I am my mother's daughter)

But it is so much more than
highs and lows,

It's feeling safe and secure
in being yourself.

It's in the looks shared
that say a thousand things without 
saying a word

It is selfless and selfish
And more precious than diamonds or pearls

It's the kiss
and in the kiss.

It's in the wanting to make someone
happy 
and holding them when they cry.

It's in surprises
and in the comfort of the familiar.

It's passionate but calm,
simple but complicated,

It's the gift that keeps on giving 
and doesn't cost a dime.

It's in the sharing of decades of 
joy
sorrow 
and everything in between. 

It's in how you feel
knowing that you're loved 
and love in return.

What a difference a day makes...

Post started writing last night...

Fuck.

Yeah, that's the title of this post.

Indulge me a little. I've got to write about this.

Ever since my last Dr. appointment where I was told I had gained almost 2 lbs since the last time I was weighed has really fucked me up.

I'm beating myself up and saying "fuck it" to even attempting to eat better, drink more water and don't even get me started on how little I am motivated to join the Y and start swimming.

While yes, portion sizes and lack of activity are probably the reasons why the gain but what about the fact that I gave up fucking soda? And I love an ice cold coke or mountain dew.

And I eat more whole grains and healthier snacks.

It feels like those things don't count ...it's all in vain.

Shit. I'm back to being obsessed with my weight and "not dieting dieting"  and I am just not feelin' any love toward my body right now.

I hate the way I look in clothes because my stomach area has gotten so ...big. (Uh, that is why...there is no other reason.) and I don't feel ...sexy or confident in my skin.

So what am I going to do about it? Bitch and moan but do nothing as usual?

Fuck.

You know...I just realized what got me thinking about this was seeing myself in the picture taken with R & K at K's baby shower last weekend...

I really don't like how big I've gotten. Oh sure, curvy is fine but I am beyond curvy and that really bothers me.

Now please indulge me in a bit more whinging (yes, whinging...I saw this word recently and decided I would add it to the "brit" list of things that I like to say/do...) ...

Why does it have to be so bloody hard to not be fat?

Well, here's a train of thought I just decided to follow....

Learning to love myself lead to losing weight?

“I love you. You are wonderful, exactly as you are right now in this moment. You are a good and wonderful person. I know your beautiful heart. It is challenging for you right now because you are coming up against a growth area for you. Just remember how beautiful you are. You will get through this. Your evolution and growth are assured. I will help you learn how to love yourself.”
(Got this from one of the results of my Google search ....hmmm.)

And this...I should do this...

"See Yourself

This exercise is a powerful way to learn how to love yourself. 

Go to a mirror and look into your eyes. Ignore whatever critical thoughts that may arise, and just focus on your eyes. Really look inside that person you see reflected there. Keep looking until you can see your tender beautiful heart."

☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯                                                                                                   ☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯

It's a new day. And it's a Saturday afternoon. Earlier today I went out and had brunch w/this woman KS who I used to work with at the SPCO....

She currently lives in ORF and was here for a visit and wanted to get together. So we did. She is a really nice woman (so nice I wonder what it is she sees in my because I'm not always so nice...)

But/and now I'm not thinking about all of the things I don't like about myself. 

It's the weekend and it's mine and mine alone.

I'm thinking about things I should do...laundry, sweep/mop floors, dishes, clean the bathroom and yet all I want to is just chill. And sleep.

And all that stuff I was thinking and feeling last night...well, acknowledging is the first step right?

And I can either do something about it ...and also accept it.

This is the only body I've got and it's within my power to feel better about it.

Being melodramatic or reality?

I just got back from a visit with my parent's.

Visiting them these days is emotionally exhausting and sad and messes me up but I know it's really important that I do. And I need to keep doing it.

(BTW: They were both relieved to hear that I'm choosing to stay inactive vs. disassociating myself.)

Tonight's conversation in the car on the way home once again went down a dark road (that's been when he's dropped little bombs on me like when he said he'd shoot her before he put her in a nursing home!)  Tonight Pop was saying that he thinks my mother will be dying within the next couple of years. She won't last another 10-12 years.

I hope he's wrong. Yes, she's a bit down right now...discouraged by her recent and current bout of bursitis. She hasn't been swimming for I don't know how long and that is a big thing for her. But she's holding steady weight-wise and taking her medications...and recently said her blood sugar has gone down significantly so I don't believe that she will be checking out in the next couple of years.

Yet, my mother herself has recently stated that she is spending so much time on her poems and writing because that's what she'll leave behind when she's gone.

So WTF?

I don't know what to think. I don't know if this is them both being melodramatic or it's reality and I'm just in denial...BIG time.

They're both larger than life personalities. People are drawn to them ...their wit, their humor, their love of life and their intelligence. Watching them both fall apart in various ways (Mom physically and emotionally and Pop emotionally) is the hardest thing I've ever had to do so far. 

You know what? I need to have a chat with my brother. Find out what the fuck is going on over there. The whole point of him living with them is to help take care of her, of them. (And while I'm at it, I should ask him how he is doing and coping with all of this.)

While I am off living my life, here is a big part of it that I don't pay attention to very well and now I am feeling so...helpless. Yet I'm also feeling selfish and wishing I didn't have to worry about any of this. I want to live in the times of my mind where my parents are in their 40's (or their 50's) and we were nowhere near having to deal with any of this.

How do people do this?

How do they cope? I know I need to accept that things are changing and will keep changing and I will have to face the realities of their aging and maybe eventual deaths. I guess that is just another part of being a grown up isn't it?

And it fucking sucks.

Saturdays = My Day To ...

I was so torn today between my desire to stay home, in my pj's, doing whatever the hell I wanted (or didn't want to do) and my desire to spend more time with I. She invited me to join her and the family at the Irish Fair.

I had dinner last night with her, her husband and daughter and then after dinner he took P home and I and came back here to hang out and catch up.

She was here until a little after one. It turns out we had a LOT to catch up on. And it was one of the best nights I've had in a long time. Then again, whenever I spend time with great people, I always have a good time. (I wonder if I need to think about the fact that I now think that I had such a good time because I got to talk about myself for part of the evening?)

So yeah...I had a chance to hang out with them and I opted not to. 

WTF?

Man. Do I really hate wearing a bra that much??

It can't just be that...seriously, it can't.

Parents and children

Well, that's a loaded title 'eh?

Small dramas with my parent's in the past month or so...

It probably wouldn't hurt to do a Google search on "Aging parents with some health issues" ...

I went over for a visit the weekend prior to my birthday ...brought some laundry and gave mom a foot massage.

During the visit, conversation came up and led to my telling her that it had been observed that my becoming inactive in the religion vs. disassociating myself was the...cowardly thing to do.

Days later I get a card and a letter from my mom that made me go WTF? (but also "oh geez" and *sigh*) ...she wants me to decide if I'm going to "fish or cut bait" (seriously, that's what she said) and going to step up and disassociate myself from the religion. And if I do that, then we won't have a relationship...and it would be OK if I didn't step up...things can continue the way they are.

WTF.

Well, that's what I got out of it and I've only read it once. I don't know if I want to read it again.

Then my mother calls me the other day and I let it go to voice mail since I'm getting ready to leave for work ...she leaves a message just telling me that she loves me and misses me.

WTF.

Then she calls me again...leaves another message and then is calling again and I pick it up this time. She's crying and in pain. Feeling pain in her arm. She went to a doctor and it wasn't a blood clot or anything serious but she was miserable. And she's in Rochester for the convention and she's alone, having sent Pop off to listen to talks and such. And she's telling me that she was so happy to be talking to me because I had a way of calming her down.

WTF?

And she's telling me that Pop takes such good care of her. (Uh, hmm, I guess that explains a lot about how I love it when others take care of me.) And she's telling me how much she loves me.

*sigh*

And oh by the way, did I mention she thinks Pop is displaying signs of Alzheimer's ...both of his parent's had it ...

(Google search ...signs of Alzheimer's... :( )

WTF?

Man. Reality Bites.

I tried to reach her the next day to see how she was doing but only got her voice mail. She called back and I missed the call...she left a message that she was feeling better.  Well thank god for that.

On a happier note, it's the birthday of a very special little girl...another Leo who loves a certain person as much as I do.  And having had a wonderful birthday ...month, it makes me reflect on how great it is when you have someone in your life who loves you completely and all of the good things in life and the things to be thankful for. 

And now the beginning of 43.

I am going to hold this week very close to my heart. The people I love the most showed me love BIG time. (And if there ever is a time when I get to have it all about ME guilt-free, it's my birthday!)

And what felt good was today, after the awesome week I've had that I was "paying it forward"... While I was waiting for the bus to come home from R & K's there was a woman who was also waiting for the bus who bummed a smoke (uh, yeah, let's not talk about the smoking right now) and it turns out she left her wallet somewhere and when she went back to get it, it was gone. She didn't ask but I guess I figured she didn't have any money so I gave her this a free bus ride voucher that I had in my purse that I've been carrying around (for something like this) and covered her fare on the bus we were waiting for so she could use the voucher for the next ride she needed.

Yeah, I realize it all could have been bullshit but I've recently been reminded that shit happens (including when a person is an idiot for not planning things a bit more carefully) and sometimes we all need a little help.

It felt good to help someone out, make them happy,

The week of "stay-cation" really turned out to be a great week. It wasn't that I needed to really do a whole lot of soul-searching, it was that I needed to connect with the people that I care about and care about me.

It was a perfect blend of me time and not alone time. I had Monday all to myself and Tuesday was spent with I and her sweet baby girl and Wednesday was another me day -with a quick visit with my new Dr. -who shares the same birthday as me (and did I mention the last person who cut my hair has it too?) -And Thursday...my actual birthday...

O M G

I got everything I wanted and more from B. God, I love that man so much. And when he lets me know that he wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him...well that just rocks my world in the best way EVER. We had breakfast and when he commented that we'd never gone out to breakfast before that was like the coolest because I love it when he makes observations about us which means he's thinking about us. (He is so good at remembering so many things about us (me :P)) Getting to spend some quality time with him was the best gift.

And then there was going to Amsterdam.

Ah, yes, my latest Amsterdam adventure.

While it didn't go quite the way I planned, I do now know that I can do it in about 24 hours ..essentially a weekend. And with very little money (as long as nothing really goes...wrong.)

I really didn't think about the reality of my every other Friday paycheck not being available when I arrived on a Friday at 6am AMS but really still Thursday 11pm US/MN time, until we landed. If I had planned a little more carefully, I would have realized that I needed to already have some cash available so that I could take the train downtown, find the coffeeshop I read about that opens at 7am, take a canal tour (they start around 9am) and be back to airport by 11/11:30 am to catch a 1:20pm flight home.

Thankfully there was free wi-fi available so I was able to change my return flight to an earlier one and come back home.

So now it just gets to be one of my travel tales where/when I'm very thankful that I work for an airline and that I was lucky enough to get business class round-trip AND there were no delays or cancellations. (And it doesn't hurt that I now have a better sense of what times are like in terms of getting through security and customs internationally/domestically which can only help me do my job better.)

Overall, the flights were good. BC is definitely nice when you're not a size 14 (ha). I was able to catch up 3 of the latest movies out on DVD -A Good Day to Die Hard, Admissions and Argo (my reviews; the first was OK but then again I'll watch almost anything Bruce Willis is in, the 2nd was really good and the last one was really REALLY good) and see at least the first episode of the past Dexter season and eat some pretty good food.

While I was pretty fried, after I got home with a couple of extra hours to spare before heading over to R & K's, I had time to come home and take a shower before meeting up with them.

It was a perfect low-key kind of night. We had been thinking of going to a movie but since it was a long week for both of them and I was completely knackered after taking these 2 international flights in 24 hours, we just had dinner in (K put together a taco dinner for us AND made cheesecake ..yum!) and rented a movie -Jack Reacher (pretty good.)

Sidebar: It (finally?) occurred to me today that when I'm done paying my loan off (the one I got for the car that I no longer have ...did I really have to put it like that??) which will happen within the next 2 months or so, that I will just have that money go directly into a savings account. It's money I've learned to live without and R says we can find a savings account to put it into that I can't touch easily so I'm not tempted by it.  (I should probably give some serious thought to why I feel the need to spend everything I've got. Maybe it feels like it's good to say yes instead of no when I want something? Hmm.)

And now back to the rest of the birthday fun with my favorite marrieds...they gave me a really great card and bought me breakfast. After breakfast, R had to get ready to work (doing his DJ thing for a wedding tonight) so K and I went for pedicures before she took me back to the transit center to catch the bus. How indulgent but fun and my feet look good for a change!

And now I'm home, reflecting on the really great week. And now it's time to start coming back down to earth and mentally gear myself up for life to go back to normal.

Work, continuing to get my financial shit together, eating better and just generally keep on keepin' on.

Does working for an airline make a person a little crazy?

It's my birthday eve and soon I will throw a load of laundry in. And then I will find a few books from the library to borrow on/for my Kindle. And then I will pack my backpack.

I'm going to go to Amsterdam for my birthday this year. Well, I'm going to fly there ...and then essentially turn around and come back. I wanted to do something where I would be treated "well" ...some fussing and fawning and special treatment. So as long as I get a seat in business class, I'm going for it. (I'm not even going to think about what else I will do if there aren't any business class seats left and I stay home.)

I am sure I should really do this properly one of these times and actually stay a couple of days (at least) but I also kind of like the "go and come right back" aspect. There's something about the "bragging" rights you get out of doing these kind of trips. I've got co-workers who do this all the time. And I get a reminder of what it's like to be a passenger and I get a reminder of why I love my job so much.  And I'm going to pray that there are no problems with the flights or weather and I get back when I'm supposed to.

I am torn about whether or not I should even attempt to go downtown or not. We arrive around 6:45am and my flight home departs at 1:20pm. I need to be back at the airport by at least 11:20am. But I want to do a canal tour and it's been my biggest regret about my previous trip...that I didn't realize I could still take one from the comfort of a heated boat in the middle of winter.

They go for about an hour and there are a ton to choose from right outside of the train station. While I usually abhor doing "touristy" things, this just seems like a perfect way to get a good, quick view of the city. (And who are we kidding, if there is any time to stop in at a coffeeshop before I board the boat, I'll take it...there is supposedly a shop really close to the train station that opens at 7am! And if the canal tours don't start until 9am, well, what's a girl to do in Amsterdam to kill a couple of hours?? :D )

It's been a really awesome birthday week so far. I got a great card (and another amazon.com gift [card]) from S. And then yesterday, Tuesday, I spent the afternoon with I and met her daughter, P, who is the sweetest little girl. We went to Como Pool and had a nice time (and I got a little bit sunburned again...what is with me and not doing better at keeping the SPF constantly on??) I'm just that much more excited to meet R & K's baby when it gets here this fall.

It's been a long time since I've been around babies/toddlers ...too many years to count, but I did OK. It was sweet that P let me hold her as much as she did and her smiles when I would twirl her around in the water just made me melt. That she liked me is awesome (why wouldn't she, I AM awesome...most of the time! :P )

Do I wish I had a baby of my own? Well, there is only one person I would want to have a baby with and if the opportunity ever presented itself, hell yeah. Otherwise, no.

In spending time with them, I did realize that yes, one has to take as much time as they can with their children while they're still young and soak up your love like a sponge.

So here I am...needing to get motivated to throw that load of laundry in the machine. And get some books to read from the library (though I'm planning on just watching a ton of movies on the plane) and think about what to bring.

I'll have to bring a few things as I won't be going home after I get back. I come back to spending some time on our monthly "date" with R & K on Friday night, then I'll just crash there for the night and then we'll do breakfast on Saturday before I finally get home. Sure, I'll be a bit jet-lagged but I'm looking forward to hanging out with them. They're good people and such dear friends.

And I'll have all day Sunday to rest and recover before back to work on Monday.

So far, so good this pseudo-staycation. And as for the soul-searching? Well, there's been a little bit and we'll see where the road takes me after this week is over.

Just a little teaser

Soul searching Day 1. Reading about volunteering.

I think I would like to do something with animals. I think Animal Ark might be a good place to start.

It's that time of year again.

It's my birthday next week and I'm re-evaluating my life, yet again.  I'm on vacation for the whole week next week and I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do with myself. And I'm now thinking a little soul-searching is in order.

Part of me thinks I should be taking advantage of my flight benefits (I always think this) but I don't really have a lot of cash to spare. And where would I even go? I've been given great suggestions about bus tours and I've thought about flying somewhere where I could just take public transportation from the airport to some beach or other body of water for swimming or a boat ride.

I could ask S about visiting him in San Diego but I really don't want to open myself up to what I'm sure would be some eventual criticism of some kind.

I could see about visiting my aunt in FL but her life is such a mess and I'm barely hanging on these days emotionally. I'm so inside my head and am finding it hard to get out of it.

Yes, I'm very lucky in that I have a week of paid vacation. Yes, I'm lucky that I have a job. Yes, I'm lucky that my parent's are doing OK health-wise right now. Yes, I'm lucky I have a more affordable roof over my head (though the lack of air-conditioning is killing me. I may be OK with my size most of the time but not during these hot humid days we've been having. I'm cooking in my skin.)

Yes, I'm lucky that I have really good friends in R & K. And lucky that I have some really great co-workers.

But at the end of the day, when I go home, it's just me. And how fucked up I am that I can't get past my own ...?? to get a life and do something about maybe not being so alone so often.

Oh I'm trying again though...I sent a message to I about getting together for a beach/pool/picnic date next week and and got a great response back and I sent an email to J to see if she would be up for getting together as well.

So I think I'm going to just end up having a stayvacation and seeing where the wind takes me.

And I'm going to spend some time thinking about the people in my life who I actually can and cannot count on. I know, I know, the only person you really can (or should) count on is yourself but it's nice to have others to help out every once in a while.

I'm going to be 43 and what do I have to show for my life? I'm not being hard on myself...I have accomplished a LOT and come a long way but I'm back to turning around in circles and not going anywhere.

*sigh*

Maybe time for therapy again? Or a life coach? I don't know. Maybe this is just a ...mood.

But yeah, that's what I'll do with some of the time ...I'll do some soul-searching and hopefully have a good birthday this year.

Something to ...think about.

On FB today I shared this:

David Seay shared Joel Osteen Ministries's status update.

Joel Osteen Ministries

You cannot wait until everything becomes better before you decide to have a good attitude. You have to be the best you can be right where you are.

---

Me (my comment when sharing)

Those of you that know me and my background religion-wise know I tend to steer clear of anything to do with religion but outside of this, I've heard bits and pieces of his sermons while channel surfing (back in the day when I had cable) and he has good, positive things to say and this just reminds me of that.

☯☯☯

I confess, I've not only caught bits and pieces but have sat and watched/listened for a few minutes and was ...OK with what I was hearing. 

And now that just makes me think about what I wrote...about steering clear of anything to do with religion and think to myself...whoa, those JW years really fucked you up. I know so many people who are happy and positive about their religion. (Yes, my mother is one of those people.)

So maybe I'm going to be a little bit more open-minded and do a little Googling on Joel Osteen.  Starting with Wikipedia (god, I LOVE Wikipedia!)

BRB.

Televangelist. That's why afraid to admit I've liked what I've heard so far. There have been ones who have made that word a dirty one.

Ah! A book I should see if the library has for me to borrow: 

Your Best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living at Your Full Potential

Damn, right there I'm hooked.

and OMG

Become a Better You: 7 Keys to Improving Your Life Every Day
 

Holy shit. (Pun intended.) THIS is what I could be doing with some of my free time.

*sigh*

I guess it really IS all about me huh?*

I have to remember that my world is a better place when I focus on others for a change (I learn so much and my love just grows bigger for them.)

OK, now where was I? Oh yeah, Joel Osteen...

Oh geez, now wonder I am interested...

Criticism (and how crazy what I take from criticism???)

On October 14, 2007, 60 Minutes ran a twelve-minute segment on Osteen, titled "Joel Osteen Answers his Critics", during which Reformed theologian Michael Horton told CBS News correspondent Byron Pitts that Osteen's method of teaching is heresy. Horton stated that the problem with Osteen's message is that it makes religion about us instead of about God".^[28]

Osteen's message is that it makes religion about us instead of about God".^[28] 

Osteen's message is that it makes religion about us instead of about God".^[28]

Bloody hell.

I'm intrigued and  so now I've requested the first book...but at the first sign of asking for money, I'm done. Hmmm. Is that my deal-breaker with religion? I want him to be living a modest lifestyle and [prove] he's not in it for the money. (Well, wait, aren't we all in it for some money ourselves? There is nothing wrong with that right?)

*(Oh S, I wish you read this blog. But it would probably remind you of the thing about me that drives you the most crazy.)

My heart overflows...

So after having spent two of the most fucking miserable nights tossing and turning in the summer heat and humidity, I finally reached out to a friend tonight and invited myself over for the weekend.

A true friend lets you do that. And he's married to a wonderful woman who is cool with it.

Thank god for R & K and their beautifully air-conditioned house. And I'm going to enjoy my little trip into the not so long ago past as I'm going to be downstairs in my old room/area.

They both have to work and I'm OK with that as then I'll still have plenty of "me" time...because who are we kidding...I love my me time after working all week (uh, let's not talk about the 4th...I did end up wussing out on N but that's only because didn't sleep the night before) ...N was great about it. And today she said that I would have lost my mind within an hour due to how loud the kids were ...good and well-behaved but loud.

I have to get comfortable with children again at some point. I'm going to be an "auntie"! And I really can't wait.

K ended up taking some time off this week due to the pregnancy and I hope she'll be OK. Her job is physically demanding and there's no "light duty" work. Maybe tomorrow night when it's just us we can talk about that.

Anyhoo...so here I am...after having quite the adventure taking public transportation to get over here tonight. Friday night downtown Minneapolis is certainly a sight to see. And oh...I remember those days of being young and going out. And I don't miss it one bit. As long as I get to spend occasional time with friends, I'm good.

So here I am. Feeling so grateful that my friends took me in and are not letting me suffer. :P
But seriously, no air. What the fuck was I thinking?

Thanks to B, I will have it at some point, hopefully sooner rather than later...finally. So I'm downstairs and I won't lie. It's cold as fuck. R warned me and I said no problem. But damn. Ah well, I'd rather be too cold than too hot!

So it's the weekend. Woot woot. And I'm not going to sweating and roasting in what I'm now calling the little oven (not to be confused with the restaurant on White Bear Ave my parent's used to frequent. :P)

Good night.

Time to count my blessings...again.

So I'm finally home again tonight. K came back today and I finally get to be back in my home. (Though I sure am going to miss life in an environment full of air-conditioning and cable...)

*sigh*

But before I start focusing on the things I'm grateful for, I have to mention that my mailbox was jammed full and included was a card to call the St. Paul Police Dept. regarding a complaint. And the guy is in the Family and Sexual Violence Unit (thank goodness for a voice mail that had a personalized outgoing message so I knew who I was calling...NOT. )

WHAT THE FUCK???

After initially freaking out BIG time (and being my melodramatic self and texting R & N) I'm convinced that it has GOT to be that I'm a witness to something and that I've done nothing wrong. Still...Family and Sexual Violence Unit??? WTF? (Can you get reported for being naked in a living room?)

So I just read the SPPD info. on that unit and yup, WHAT THE FUCK??? And tomorrow is a holiday. I wonder how long I'm going to have to wait until I find out what the hell this is about???

THIS kind of thing is why I'd rather stay in the "Great Indoors". The less interaction I have with the outside world, the more shit won't happen to me. I just want to live my life and stay out of <trouble>.

Man, I wish I had air-conditioning. I was really hoping B would have had time to either put it this air-conditioner he has that he's going to let me use ... in or at least drop it off for me to do. I probably could have done it as I've done it before. But I know the poor guy is beyond busy -and yes, as he reminded me, he's even busier this time of year with lawns to mow. (As long as he gives me a great birthday card, I can deal because he gives good card.)

So here we are, Independence Day eve. And I have an opportunity to not spend a/the holiday alone feeling sorry for myself tomorrow. N (from work) let me invite myself to spend the day with her, her kids, her boyfriends kids and a couple of other friends of hers fishing and swimming. But now this terrible thought just came to me ...should I worry about this complaint business? I'm going to be around kids. But I've never done anything to a child. Or an elderly person. Or anyone. The only one I hurt is myself.  (Oooh that's deep. Maybe need to think about that a little bit more sometime...?)

Anyway, time to stop freaking out and calm the fuck down and think about all of the things I'm grateful for and there are so many.

So without further ado -

☯ That I have a roof over my head
☯ That my parent's are alive and taking [better] care of themselves
☯ That I have a job
☯ That I have a friend who trusts me enough to take care of her "baby" and her house and also pays me well to do it
☯ That I have really great co-workers
☯ That I know really good people and they enjoy spending time with me
☯ That B is so considerate and helps me in a zillion different ways  (the most recent thing -giving me an adapter plug thingy so I can plug the laptop into the wall by the sofa (yes, I've decided to call the loveseat a sofa. Yup.)

And now that I'm home, I'm thankful that I had the resources available to buy the rug & the ottoman. They are perfect and make it feel more ...homey.

And I guess that matters so much because I feel safest at home. It's not only my nest but my sanctuary.

And now it's almost midnight and I am very tired. I've got an early morning -N will be picking me up before 8am

...that's if I don't wuss out. 

Vacation ...in town.

I was asked (once again) to dog and house sit for this woman, K, that I used to work with eons ago. And so here I am. Enjoying the change of pace from my normal life. Living in a house, "having a pet" and engorging myself on cable. (So many movies to watch!!!)

I've done this before and the last time was last summer right after I had moved into [what shall now be known as THE pricey one (TPO)] and I remember that I used the opportunity of living in someone else's home to think about how I wanted MY home to be. And I'll be doing it again as I've got a new home to start making.

With the cash that K has paid me, I've gone ahead and allowed myself to get a good haircut (and boy is it good!) and a couple of things for the new place. I found a good deal on a single storage ottoman with a tray and matching footstool and a rug for the living room. Little things that will make it feel more like a home.

And last year when I did this, I felt the same way about TPO but I didn't get very far in making it feel like a real home did I?

I now have hopes for the new place -that it really will be a place I can stay for awhile. The challenges -the small kitchen and bath...I can deal with those.

But I'm also going to [keep] doing (and embrace doing) the responsible thing ...keep paying the bills and continue saving. Yes, I said continue. I put a little money in savings recently and it felt ...unnatural. Living hand to mouth for so long made saving money seem...irresponsible. (How dare I save when I have bills to pay and food in the fridge???)

 I can see a glimmer of the light at the end of the financial dark hold that I'm climbing out of and it's about bloody time.