It is SO possible to fall in love with strangers

Are you reading the blog "Sum of Me" that I have listed over there on my blog list? ARE YOU? You HAVE TO, you just have to. Beth's latest just about broke my heart tonight. She writes with humor, wit, passion, honesty and heart and can actually write (though thankfully I've noticed most who blog ARE writers and know what they're doing, thank god. Nothing worse than reading something full of misspelled words and bad grammar)

But seriously. Read her. Please.

OMG OMG OMG or to be yourself is all that you can do.

So I was just going through the lists of posts (cleaning 'em up 'cause I knew there were a few unfinished drafts floating out there) and came across a comment from one of the ladies who contributes to another blog I read and I'm totally psyched that I have another reader (or had one more for a night if she only read the one post!)

You all know how thrilled I am that you read this, but you're the fabulous and friends and so I know you read me and hang on to my every word... :P (or hey, if you just skim it looking for the juicy stuff that's OK too :) ) but now I see a "stranger" has read me too! Eeeeeeeeeeeee! That's so flippin' fantastic! Well just blow me down. Kisses and hugs to everyone/anyone who reads this. My little Leo heart is SO SO happy....

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Driving home tonight from work (and how insane is it that everyone's Friday is my Monday? Oh well) and mulling over what I should "talk" about tonight and one of the thoughts was about how I had just been chatting with a friend tonight and how damn brave I think she is for grabbing some issues she's been dealing with, by the big hairy balls, and is taking back control over some stuff in her life and dealing with some shit once and for all. (It does beg the question...will that actually work? I'll have to be sure to ask her...)

Oh how I wish I had the guts to do that. But I guess we all just have to find our own ways through our crap. I know I'm a work in progress and everyday is a day full of new choices. Every day is a new day to make new choices. Every day is a new day to make new choices. Every day is a new day to make new choices. (Uh, if I tell myself this enough I'll be convinced it's true...)

Tonight I will regret the choice to stop by BK on the way home because my stomach feels icky. Over the past few months, I'd been staying away from fast food ...and then the last 2 weeks has seen me say, screw that, I'm hungry and want food NOW. And I'm not happy that I'm being so hard on myself about it but it's like I know better but didn't pay any attention to that inner voice that was telling me that I could make a better choice...(but man oh man, it's exhausting to always be trying to do the right thing, make the right choice isn't it? )

But there it is, tomorrow, a new day, and I will make the choice to NOT eat any more fast food. I got groceries so there really is no need is there? Good food too. Oranges and bananas and yogurt. Chips/salsa. Fruit snacks. Orange juice. Good stuff. And even if there is stuff that maybe isn't so "good", what I have will still be waaaaay better than fast food. And after work? There is nothing wrong with having just some crackers and cheese as a "snack" when want to eat a little something.

I WILL gain back control over the things I choose to eat/drink.

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My weekend was...could have been better, could have been worse. I did get to see my honey for a bit on Wednesday night. Then Thursday I bargained myself out of getting together w/Ryan and into seeing him after I get off work tomorrow. It really does sometimes work out better to get together w/people on a day I'm already up and out. I just really really really wanted a day at home, staying in my jammies (we all really know that is about going "undergarment" free, right? 'Cause they ALL suck one way or another) and to just be alone and not have to be "on" like I tell myself I have to be with the people calling in at work and with my friends (not that they expect me to be "on" but (and I'm going to attribute this to my sign) because this Leo feels the need to shine and sparkle when around others and I just...couldn't.

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Decided to give that new show "Justified" a try. Love it. Adding it to the "really must-see" list. I keep meaning to have a post about my current TV watching but what really is there to say except that I haven't bothered with the final season of "Nip/Tuck" yet. And I'm waiting until the end of the current season to watch "Project Runway". And that I think I've given up on "Flash Forward" because I've just had other shows higher on the list that I needed to see every week but we'll see. And at some point, I'll catch up w/"The Closer" but for now I've got my hands full w/the "real must-sees".

*****

I should probably call my parent's one of these days...I know my mom will be thrilled to get a call from me. I want to do better at keeping in touch with them. (Not that I should be "shoulding" all over myself...)

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I haven't bothered to get my hair cut quite yet. Maybe I'll just let it keep growing. I haven't had it long in years (or have I? Time is just whizzing on by isn't it?) and I like the way I look w/longer hair...

&&&&

So this is supposed to be my year of wild (and/or grand) adventures ...and I think I need to be thinking about the next one. I was actually thinking I hadn't had one since zipping off to San Diego for Scotty's birthday last month, but I think I'm going to consider having B, er, I mean having a date w/B, ;) in a hotel room last week as the latest one. So there. You're on track, Sam. Just keep being open to new things. Right. Right. Uh huh.

With the big "4-0" rapidly approaching, my thoughts are heading toward a meaningful, significant, BIG, wild way to celebrate and my mind is completely blank. I don't necessarily want to celebrate out of town because who could join me? Most everybody I care about is already here (and I'm flying Scotty in here or else! :P ) so why not just find something lovely to do in this town? It'll be summertime so that's a plus.

Pfffft. No need to fret about it tonight.

Well I think that's about all for now. Time to go "farmin'" and then settle down for the night.

Onward. With eyes half-shut.

And it was soooooo worth it!!!!

It was A M A Z I N G, wonderful, sweet, sexy, passionate, loving, tender, just totally awesome. We are soooo doing THAT again (getting a room!)

'nuff said.

Long time no post

Well, I guess it's only been a little over a week and I think I've gone longer than that between posts before.

It's a Thursday evening and I'm hanging out in a hotel room, killing time, while waiting to meet up w/B. I got a room for us for his birthday. In our many years together, we've never had a hotel room so this is gonna be fun and different for us.

It's not a fancy place. Just a Days Inn but it's functional and clean. And it has a pool! Have I ever mentioned how much I love swimming even though I rarely go/do it.

I checked in and then and went and had me a little me time in the water. I love the feeling of floating weightlessly. I actually had it to myself too. Yippee! But at the same time it was a little lonely. It would have been nice if B could have joined me for that but he is still working. And later we're gonna be much too busy to be thinking about swimming! ;)

This is my only full day off this week since I picked up a few hours for a co-worker yesterday. But I'm not complaining after I had that nice 4 day off stretch last week.

The Thursday was a bust though...was supposed to attempt to get together w/B and Ryan both but neither happened. Oh well. Then Friday was a day I thought would have me leaving the house to go somewhere, do something, anything, since it was a payday too but nope. Ended up just staying home.

4 days at home and the good news is that I didn't fall into a pit of depression from being so isolated...not that I'm ever really alone thanks to living w/the fabulous and her animals but...in the past not talking to anyone would have sent me over the edge. Not this time. Hallelujah! What a freakin' relief. I was a little bit worried but it was all for naught.

So now it's my day off and tomorrow a full work week starts up again. And life continues on.

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Continuing to feel grateful for so many things in my life, including the fact that the other day I got pulled over...apparently my left turn signal was not working, same with the left light/brake light. Thankfully I was wearing my seat belt AND I didn't get a ticket. Just a nice warning. And now thanks to my brother, they're working again...well the left turn signal works when the lights are on so until I can take it in to get properly fixed, I'll just drive during the day w/the lights on. No biggie.

Oh! There is no fridge in the room but duh, I could go get some ice to nestle my Vitamin Water in to chill it. Or just drink it over ice...

But then I'd have to go get dressed and I don't want to do that until I take my shower and start to get ready for B. Yup. I think I just admitted I'm writing this starkers. Are you shocked? Appalled? Titillated? :P

There is something very freeing and a little bit naughty about being buck naked in a hotel room! (Yes, I've got the doors bolted/chained) But after I was done swimming, as much as I don't care for the smell of chlorine, I just didn't feel like jumping in the shower...I can't think of why not right now and so now of course I'm thinking I should...

So enough for now.

Onward. To the shower.

And they just keep on talking to me

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

Most Leos are fairly high-maintenance. It's hard not to be when you (secretly, perhaps) think of yourself as minor royalty. There may be nothing you can do about that; Leos aren't astrologically wired to be as laid-back and easygoing as Sagittarians or Aquarians. However, evolved Leos find ways to maintain themselves. That means not shoving the burden of treating you like royalty onto others, but doing what you need to please yourself so that other people can simply enjoy you. You and I both know you're not really low-maintenance; this week, strive to make sure that we're the only ones in on the secret.

(Sign Language in Seattle Weekly)

Nothing wrong with doing nothing...right?

Day 2 of my 4 day off stretch. I thought I would be bored. I actually considered giving back my vacation days so that I could have them to use later but then decided it was worth it just to NOT be at work for a couple of extra days. Even if I do have the occasional bout of boredom.

Today so far has been about getting around to a shower and doing a load of laundry.

Yesterday was about catching up on the latest (final book?) in the Harper Connelly series/"Grave Secret" by Charlaine Harris and then getting all caught up on this season of "Supernatural".

Tomorrow will be about seeing B, hopefully and/or Ryan. (I've yet to figure this one out...I made a "date" w/Ryan so that should be priority but Thursdays have been my B night for the last few weeks...crap, double crap.) Don't want to NOT see B. I want to see my honey. Maybe I should insist we 3 have dinner together....but I know neither of them would be crazy about that idea....

I'm thinking about getting my hair cut...professionally. I've been doing it myself for awhile now ...the only person I could be upset with if it didn't turn out OK was me. Having ridden the roller coaster of best haircut followed by bad one (with the same stylist no less!) I gave up. But I think it's time I took a chance again. So I'll really seriously think about it. Maybe I'll splurge and have it colored too. Hide these few stray grays I've got. But will that just start me down the road of constantly coloring? Maybe. Maybe not.

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So I decided to not continue taking the Improv class. The timing just wasn't right. Having to hustle afterward and worrying about getting to work on time was too much stress. (Can't you tell I'm really aiming for as stress-free a life as I can possibly have these days? :P ) But it was a good thing I got an idea of what it will be all about, because if it is offered again, some evening, on a day that is my day OFF, I will sign up for it again.

Life back to what it was before. Will have to find something else to do to liven it up. Then again, don't know why I'm so obsessed with shaking it up. My life is perfectly fine. Absolutely nothing to complain about. Yet I think maybe I am waiting for something to come along and fuck everything up because it feels wrong that everything is OK.

Shit, it took me a LOT to get here though. I was reminded of that when I was skimming my old journals looking for something B says we did back in August of '97. Reading bits of entries was exhausting. I was always so tired. Then again I'm not surprised. If I wasn't working 3 jobs at one time, I was partying with Scotty and other friends or dealing with the various men and "relationships" I was in, in my melodramatic way.

But in moving forward and keeping my eyes so firmly on the now, I've put out of my mind a lot of stuff that wasn't so bad. Like being someone who was competent and successful enough to get offered the job of Patron Services Manager at Jeune Lune (R.I.P) or ....crap, my mind is a blank. But there was a lot of living going on my life and it's all been blotted out. Like in throwing out all the bad and sad, I threw out the good too.

There are people in my life who I've known for YEARS and whenever I'm reminded of something we shared in the past, it's like I'm being a told a story about somebody else.

So am I tempted to go back and really do some proper reading of these journals? Could I handle it now? Maybe. Maybe not.

I don't know. I do wonder how I got here to my current life sometimes. I guess I just kept on putting one foot in front of the other and making choices that were OK for me. Had I known I would get to a place where I was content and had many things to be grateful for, maybe I wouldn't have "gnashed my teeth" so much.

Don't get me wrong, I know I've still got issues to work on (not great at managing my money, still not getting off my ass to find a better fitting job, etc.) but I know I'm still a work in progress just like everyone else.

I'm hungry so now I'll go find something to eat. (Ooooh, try not to let all this excitement get to you.)

Onward. With a growling stomach.

Just....right on.

Push hard to get better, become smarter, grow your devotion to the truth, fuel your commitment to beauty, refine your emotional intelligence,hone your dreams, negotiate with your shadow, cure your ignorance, shed your pettiness, heighten your drive to look for the best in people, and soften your heart -- even as you always accept yourself for exactly who you are with all of your so-called imperfections. - *PRONOIA* (Rob Brezsny)

Is the end of winter really in sight?

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Let's poke around to see if we can stir up some good trouble, Leo. The time is right. You're in need of a friendly disruption or two. Fortunately, I'm sensing there's a forbidden temptation that isn'tso forbidden any longer . . . as well as a strange attractor you might find inspiring and a volatile teaching that would turn you inside-out in a good way. Are you willing to wander into a previously off-limits area? Hey, look. There's one of those mystery spots I was hinting about. I wonder what would happen if you pressed that green button. Go ahead. Don't be . . .Gaaaahhhhh! Unnhhh! Wha?! I mean WOW! That was *very* interesting.Try it again!

Free Will Astrology for this week. Seems appropriate since I survived the first "improv" class and am going back for more.

I didn't know what to expect and certainly wasn't mentally prepared to get physical but get physical we did with various activities.

We also were given notebooks and we're to be keeping a journal with homework every week. How awesome is that? And I'm being serious. I may have hated homework when I was in school but since this about is about ME, I'm all for it. :P

This week we're to be thinking/writing about such things as what happens if we perceive everything -good and bad -as a gift and how deliberately are we communicating with others.

I like that we're talking about being present in the moment, in the now. And I like that we're going to be having to do a lot of thinking on our feet. My brain has gotten stuck in its patterns so this ought to wake it up right?

Anyhoo...it's now my weekend and I'm exhausted. It's been a long couple of weeks.

Last week, popping down to FL to hang out with my parents and my aunt for a night was interesting but exhausting. It was great being in FL though with no snow and seeing people on the beach and others swimming! In February! Swimming!

I got down there in the afternoon and Sally and Pop came and got me from the airport. We headed over the hotel where my folks were staying and after saying hello to Mom, Pop, Sally and I headed off to dinner (Mom had "spent her pennies" for the afternoon and was resting). We ended up at a TGIF's for some pretty good food. Actually just thinking about the Tuscan Spinach Dip has me hungry...I suppose I ought to go make coffee and rustle up some food soon...

Anyhoo, we all had drinks and then after going back to the hotel after dinner, there was wine and more conversation. I had a bit of alone time with both Sally and Pop which was good but of course the topics were about the other person. Aaaargh! But you know you just have to survive those moments and get to the other side of it.

I stayed with Sally in her room, but with so much catching up to do, it was about 2am by the time we went to sleep. She's making the best of her bad situation, being trapped in her life with her drunk husband and a kid that is only cleaning up his act because he wants to drive the car now that he's 16 and got his drivers license. But then we were awake again around 3am because she couldn't sleep and was in pain. She's still got a lot of physical problems. But she carries on and gets things done. I am in awe of the strong women in my family. Even if they don't appear to always be strong, they endure whatever bullshit comes their way. I don't know that I would be as strong faced with the issues they deal with. I mean, I've dealt with my fair share of shit, but not the amount or kinds they have.

Ah, gotta love disruptions to ones routines.

Then I set my alarm for 8am because I wasn't sure what the plan was for the next morning before we headed to the airport to head back home. So not a lot of sleep. :(

We made our way back to the airport a little before noon and ended up hanging out there for the next 6 hours. We couldn't get all on the 1:30pm flight so we opted to stay and take the 5:30pm flight...very brave of my Mom to wait it out. Thankfully we eventually found a place she could lay down.

(Have I ever mentioned specifically what her disability is? Her equilibrium is shot. After getting a hysterectomy back in the early 80's, she was given an anti-biotic that had the side effect of screwing up her equilibrium. (She wasn't warned of that side effect ...but the religion discouraged her from pursuing taking legal action to sue them for malpractice...another thing I get to hold against it) so when she has been vertical for too long, it screws the equilibrium up and only by getting horizontal does it re-set it for her)

Anyhoo....so we ate dinner at the airport and Mom and I had a chance to talk during this long wait. As awful as it was that we had to wait around it was kind of fun to be hanging out with them at an airport (having them buy my dinner!) and be this family that was coming back from vacation together because we never do that. When we eventually got our seats and were on the plane, I made the observation to Mom that it had been about 30 years since we were on a plane together (not necessarily counting the trip down the week prior because we didn't get to sit together) ..the last time being when we came back from England.

And I'm so proud of my Mom for hanging in as well as she did. The flight was delayed and then the length of the flight seemed to last forever and that was really tough on her physically...I ended up requesting that an on board wheelchair be waiting for her when we arrived so that she wouldn't even have to walk off the plane.

The adventure continued after because my brother -who was picking them up -couldn't find the place I wanted him to meet us at. (We landed at a gate that was really close the entrance/exit I like to use that gets you in and out of the airport fast and easy...it's the one the city buses come to, as well as the shuttle from my work) so out came angry Pop and angry Jason. What a mess. My Mom was the one who finally got everyone calmed down and gave Pop hell for giving me a hard time. And insisted he apologize to me for giving me a hard time. She understood I was only trying to make things easier for everyone.

We eventually went back over to arrivals and found each other. And it was about 10pm by then. A really long day for my Mom. But I keep telling her she is stronger than she thinks. She may be getting older, and yes has physical limitations, but she can't just sit back and take it. She has to fight. Pop is actually glad my brother moved out because she was letting him do more stuff for her that she really should be doing for herself.

So whew. 2 days spent with people I love but who wear me out. Add that on top of my wonderful, fantastic quick trip out to San Diego for Scotty's birthday (have I mentioned how awesome that was?) and a full week of work (which included the monthly one on one/call review with my manager where I had to acknowledge, once again, that I talk too much!) It's now my weekend and it is blissfully free of any activities or obligations. I only have a date w/B to look forward to.

It's a beautiful, sunny day and the temperatures have been in the 30's. Woo hoo! Let's hope the "in like a lamb, out like a lion" is not the case this year.

I ended up getting a couple of vacation days next week but I may give 'em back because I don't have the cash to go anywhere and I might as well save them for when I actually need them. (I put in the requests thinking I wouldn't get 'em as has been the case for the most part this winter)....or hell, maybe I'll take 'em and just hang out at home...nah, hanging out at home just one full day is enough...

Well, I think I'm gonna stop this post here ..I need coffee and food. And then to tidy up my room. I've been putting it off long enough.

Onward. With a growling stomach.