My heart overflows...

So after having spent two of the most fucking miserable nights tossing and turning in the summer heat and humidity, I finally reached out to a friend tonight and invited myself over for the weekend.

A true friend lets you do that. And he's married to a wonderful woman who is cool with it.

Thank god for R & K and their beautifully air-conditioned house. And I'm going to enjoy my little trip into the not so long ago past as I'm going to be downstairs in my old room/area.

They both have to work and I'm OK with that as then I'll still have plenty of "me" time...because who are we kidding...I love my me time after working all week (uh, let's not talk about the 4th...I did end up wussing out on N but that's only because didn't sleep the night before) ...N was great about it. And today she said that I would have lost my mind within an hour due to how loud the kids were ...good and well-behaved but loud.

I have to get comfortable with children again at some point. I'm going to be an "auntie"! And I really can't wait.

K ended up taking some time off this week due to the pregnancy and I hope she'll be OK. Her job is physically demanding and there's no "light duty" work. Maybe tomorrow night when it's just us we can talk about that.

Anyhoo...so here I am...after having quite the adventure taking public transportation to get over here tonight. Friday night downtown Minneapolis is certainly a sight to see. And oh...I remember those days of being young and going out. And I don't miss it one bit. As long as I get to spend occasional time with friends, I'm good.

So here I am. Feeling so grateful that my friends took me in and are not letting me suffer. :P
But seriously, no air. What the fuck was I thinking?

Thanks to B, I will have it at some point, hopefully sooner rather than later...finally. So I'm downstairs and I won't lie. It's cold as fuck. R warned me and I said no problem. But damn. Ah well, I'd rather be too cold than too hot!

So it's the weekend. Woot woot. And I'm not going to sweating and roasting in what I'm now calling the little oven (not to be confused with the restaurant on White Bear Ave my parent's used to frequent. :P)

Good night.

Time to count my blessings...again.

So I'm finally home again tonight. K came back today and I finally get to be back in my home. (Though I sure am going to miss life in an environment full of air-conditioning and cable...)

*sigh*

But before I start focusing on the things I'm grateful for, I have to mention that my mailbox was jammed full and included was a card to call the St. Paul Police Dept. regarding a complaint. And the guy is in the Family and Sexual Violence Unit (thank goodness for a voice mail that had a personalized outgoing message so I knew who I was calling...NOT. )

WHAT THE FUCK???

After initially freaking out BIG time (and being my melodramatic self and texting R & N) I'm convinced that it has GOT to be that I'm a witness to something and that I've done nothing wrong. Still...Family and Sexual Violence Unit??? WTF? (Can you get reported for being naked in a living room?)

So I just read the SPPD info. on that unit and yup, WHAT THE FUCK??? And tomorrow is a holiday. I wonder how long I'm going to have to wait until I find out what the hell this is about???

THIS kind of thing is why I'd rather stay in the "Great Indoors". The less interaction I have with the outside world, the more shit won't happen to me. I just want to live my life and stay out of <trouble>.

Man, I wish I had air-conditioning. I was really hoping B would have had time to either put it this air-conditioner he has that he's going to let me use ... in or at least drop it off for me to do. I probably could have done it as I've done it before. But I know the poor guy is beyond busy -and yes, as he reminded me, he's even busier this time of year with lawns to mow. (As long as he gives me a great birthday card, I can deal because he gives good card.)

So here we are, Independence Day eve. And I have an opportunity to not spend a/the holiday alone feeling sorry for myself tomorrow. N (from work) let me invite myself to spend the day with her, her kids, her boyfriends kids and a couple of other friends of hers fishing and swimming. But now this terrible thought just came to me ...should I worry about this complaint business? I'm going to be around kids. But I've never done anything to a child. Or an elderly person. Or anyone. The only one I hurt is myself.  (Oooh that's deep. Maybe need to think about that a little bit more sometime...?)

Anyway, time to stop freaking out and calm the fuck down and think about all of the things I'm grateful for and there are so many.

So without further ado -

☯ That I have a roof over my head
☯ That my parent's are alive and taking [better] care of themselves
☯ That I have a job
☯ That I have a friend who trusts me enough to take care of her "baby" and her house and also pays me well to do it
☯ That I have really great co-workers
☯ That I know really good people and they enjoy spending time with me
☯ That B is so considerate and helps me in a zillion different ways  (the most recent thing -giving me an adapter plug thingy so I can plug the laptop into the wall by the sofa (yes, I've decided to call the loveseat a sofa. Yup.)

And now that I'm home, I'm thankful that I had the resources available to buy the rug & the ottoman. They are perfect and make it feel more ...homey.

And I guess that matters so much because I feel safest at home. It's not only my nest but my sanctuary.

And now it's almost midnight and I am very tired. I've got an early morning -N will be picking me up before 8am

...that's if I don't wuss out. 

Vacation ...in town.

I was asked (once again) to dog and house sit for this woman, K, that I used to work with eons ago. And so here I am. Enjoying the change of pace from my normal life. Living in a house, "having a pet" and engorging myself on cable. (So many movies to watch!!!)

I've done this before and the last time was last summer right after I had moved into [what shall now be known as THE pricey one (TPO)] and I remember that I used the opportunity of living in someone else's home to think about how I wanted MY home to be. And I'll be doing it again as I've got a new home to start making.

With the cash that K has paid me, I've gone ahead and allowed myself to get a good haircut (and boy is it good!) and a couple of things for the new place. I found a good deal on a single storage ottoman with a tray and matching footstool and a rug for the living room. Little things that will make it feel more like a home.

And last year when I did this, I felt the same way about TPO but I didn't get very far in making it feel like a real home did I?

I now have hopes for the new place -that it really will be a place I can stay for awhile. The challenges -the small kitchen and bath...I can deal with those.

But I'm also going to [keep] doing (and embrace doing) the responsible thing ...keep paying the bills and continue saving. Yes, I said continue. I put a little money in savings recently and it felt ...unnatural. Living hand to mouth for so long made saving money seem...irresponsible. (How dare I save when I have bills to pay and food in the fridge???)

 I can see a glimmer of the light at the end of the financial dark hold that I'm climbing out of and it's about bloody time.

Ramblings From This Forty-Something.

It's been a gorgeous day outside -for the most part and once again, just like on most other gorgeous days, I've been inside playing around online.

And I'm bored. And a little bit lonely.

And here is my new favorite word:

Ennui - Listlessness and dissatisfaction resulting from lack of interest; boredom.

Yup, that's the state I'm in right now. I love weekends but I think I also ...don't.

There are a million things I could do ...but I don't. Why don't I go to a movie? Or volunteer? Or go to a bookstore? Or get together with friends?

I did see R & K yesterday. They came over here to check out the new place and then we went and grabbed some dinner at Cosetta's. Afterward we went out to Ikea. It was fun doing something with other people. I was so happy not being alone for a change. (I do so so so many things alone these days.)

I guess I normally don't ...mind. (Well, I thought I didn't mind.) I've made a point of trying to structure my life so that I don't feel lonely very often. But here I am. It's a Sunday afternoon and I'm definitely experiencing ennui.

I thought having a little extra money would help but nope. I've got enough for a movie or to go get coffee in the local coffee shop or grab a beer at the local bar (which I've been meaning to check out) but ...but.... I would be doing those things.... alone.

*sigh*

So what the fuck is my problem? Why am I not calling up the handful of people I know who I'd actually feel comfortable enough actually socializing with and seeing what they're up to? (I've got a million excuses for it...number one being it's too short of notice.)

And here's a good question...is it really because I don't want to get...dressed aka put a fucking bra on?

Oh, here's a thought...maybe if work was busier I'd need this alone-and-loving-it time but work hasn't been busy lately and between the boredom there and now here at home no wonder I'm climbing the walls!

Well, at least it's after 8pm now. I'll have some dinner, watch the latest episode of "Hannibal" and take my shower and settle down with some reading before crashing.

I will have survived another boring and feeling kind of lonely day.

How DO I feel about the new place?

I've been asked how I'm liking the new place and a couple of words I've used to describe it have been "shit hole". Strong words? Yes. Being melodramatic? Of course! But I have also said it has potential. A lot of potential.

It's been over a week now and I'm still ...adjusting. Adjusting to the kitchen with no counter space and a dripping faucet (yes, I've reported it to the landlord.) Adjusting to the tiny bathroom, with the....tiny shower. Adjusting to all of the new smells of new paint throughout and the unappealing smell of what Pop calls the pine on the 3 season porch, to the damp/musty smell in the bathroom (we're calling it damp/musty even though I really think it smells like piss.) Adjusting to the hardwood floors that creak. Adjusting to the narrow entryway from the kitchen to the tiny bathroom (have I mentioned I have a tiny bathroom???) And then there's living with the constant humidity from this fucking weather (don't even get me started on the crappy weather we've been having for WEEKS now) and always feeling just ...icky.  And then there is having upstairs neighbors in a small building. I hear them coming and going (but I can't really bitch about that as thankfully they're "hours" aren't conflicting with mine (aka waking me up when I am trying to sleep!))...and I haven't "heard" them yet (I'm pretty sure their bedroom is directly above mine.)

I did the bare minimum in unpacking but now I'm just ...eh. Whatever. I've got pictures to hang and rugs to purchase when I have some extra cash again but that won't be anytime soon. I won't reap the benefits of cheaper rent for a little while yet.

I know I'll get there eventually ...getting used to it's "quirks" and making it feel like home but until then...I just need to keep getting from one day to the next.

And thank god I kept the fan.

And maybe someday if I make better money, I'll go back to living in a ...nicer place, with central air and a dishwasher.

In the meantime, I'll keep reminding myself that I can actually afford this place ...and maybe finally get some bills taken care of and maybe even save a little bit.  And I'll keep reminding myself that having a little bit of extra cash means I can maybe go out and have some fun a little more often.

So I will just have to keep on keepin' on won't I?

So now what?

I took a well deserved break from unpacking and settling in today to read a book I've been wanting to read for awhile..."The Last Boyfriend" by Nora Roberts. The 2nd in a trilogy about a family that restored and opened an Inn -a haunted Inn. And the stories are about the 3 sons, brothers who find love -so yes, romances. And Nora Roberts is a damn good storyteller.

She writes about love -but not just about the love between men and women but about the love you find with the family you have and make.

And now I'm thinking again about all of the love I have in my life.

I felt that love earlier today when my Pop stopped by to fix my shower. The shower curtain rod had a piece that anchored it to the wall and I broke it (lesson learned is that I cannot sit on edges  of the [mini clawfoot] tub to shave my legs) and while I managed to get a replacement piece I couldn't quite figure out how to screw the 2 pieces back together. (Apparently I just didn't try hard enough 'cause Pop had it done in about a minute.)

So thinking about love ...I've really got a lot of it coming at me, from a variety of sources. And how lucky am I? I've got family and friends and B. Yes, B. I think you all know he's [still] in my life, he's a big part of my life and part of why I feel so loved and lucky.

At times, my heart swells and gets so full of love that it feels like it's going to burst. 

It'll be weird going back to work tomorrow with having had 4 days off. Now instead of worrying about the move, it'll be back to life as I know it. Unpacking and settling in is a lot less dramatic than packing and moving. Oh sure, creating the new "nest" -finding ways to make it work and become a home will be a fun way to spend my free time, but there will have to be ...more that I can do with my life.

Like what you say? I don't know. And I should probably wait until I feel a little bit of that financial relief that I'm going to eventually be experiencing before I get ahead of myself.

There is talk of going thrifting with Pop next Saturday. That should be fun. And I should have a better idea of what I'll be needing and looking for by then.

In the meantime, it's about washing my dishes right away. It's about prepping my coffee the night before. It's about the walk and taking the bus from a new bus stop.

It's about getting my ass up for work. And paying bills. And spending time with friends and family. And it's about being grateful for all of the good things I've got in my life. 

And so the next chapter begins...

Well, here I am. In the new place. And even though I had movers (money well spent let me tell you) because I wanted them to be finished as quickly as they could, I ended up telling them just to unload and put most of my stuff in the living room which meant/means that I'm still getting quite the workout in moving boxes and such in and out of the various rooms. My body is NOT happy with this type of activity.

I had a moment last night where I asked myself what the hell I had done in picking this place. The bathroom and kitchen are so small. And I don't think I like my new shower yet. Thankfully Pop was able to figure out what to do so that I could use my shower head in this shower...it wouldn't fit as it was so he went off to a hardware store and got help and was able to fix it.

Oh! That reminds me...I'll be right back.

Let's hope I don't live to regret cutting the bottoms of the shower liners. They were too long and I had the brilliant idea during my shower last night that I should cut them. So I just went and did that.

There is massive amounts of potential with this place, however, there will be lots of new challenges. Then again, I like a challenge don't I? Figuring out the best way to make the kitchen and bathroom work will keep me from getting bored...for a little while anyway.

So here I am. Headache from the paint fumes, tired from not sleeping very well even though I was exhausted and yet relieved that finally the move is over and I can get on with life (and that will include quitting smoking for real this time. I didn't last more than a day last week. I was too anxious about the move.)

Onward and upward.