I invited her to come and stay for some nights now that it's official O & V have moved into their new home for good. It turns out it's a good idea for her to move in here over the next couple of weeks as she can see what she'll really want and need for here.
Update - next day - Saturday.
I may not be able to actually live with her. With her brain damage (due to some strokes they recently discovered she'd had this past spring!!!) and personality change into someone who is short-tempered and yells at me and accuses me of "talking to her like she's a child" and wanting me to just stop talking when she tells me to...our afternoon so far has been rife with all sorts of emotional conversations and I'm exhausted and it's not even 7pm yet. She's only been living here 24-hrs and I'm not sure I can do this. Not just because of our clashing personalities nor my not having the strength to show and teach someone else how to live with me...I'm only going to go down that road once more if I get the opportunity to do that with B.
Anyway, the main reason that this might not be a good idea is that she wants this to be the last place she lives before she dies.
And she's not expected to live until her next birthday. December 27th.
With all of the cancers she's living with... thyroid, blood, bone, brain... She's got these multiple serious life-ending conditions happening all at one time and yes, she did tell me this months ago but I didn't really believe it (and I'm still in a certain amount of denial even as I write this post)
She also stated today that she's NOT going to do anymore radiation or chemo (I'll have to confirm if that includes immunotherapy .... need to remember what that is again) and stop taking some of the meds for some other things her primary GP isn't prescribing because of the side effects.
And all of it, no bullshit.
So what the fuck am I supposed to do about all of this??
I love this woman so much. She's got such strength, and she's so fearless and a badass. And her heart, much like B's is so fucking big. How am I supposed to live with her and then watch her eventually get sick - though she has given me permission to keep distance. She knows I'd be handling this my way and wouldn't force me to do anything I wouldn't want to do but still....??
I guess I should thank my lucky stars she's assigned other people in her life her other end of life business...from who says DNR to who does the memorial. To who handles her business.... And she'll be getting SSDI and will give me funds enough to pay a mortgage & HOA fee.
Update 2: Later Saturday.
OK, we came up with some ways to deal with our conversations when they heat up....walking away/separating...time-outs. I'd rather we'd argue it out but that doesn't work for her, so compromise.
And a task for me....putting up post-it notes up everywhere saying "N is NOT V" as I keep repeating things to her because I had to all the time when V first started living here. About where things go, or other compulsive ways I have.
And OK, maybe she has a point...I'm treating her more like I treated V than O! WTF????!!!!!
But, but, she's not just someone dying. Especially since she's living like she's dying and saying yes to EVERYTHING... when she's got the strength and energy for it that is.
She's also someone I love and have been able to be 100% myself with for years. We've traveled together. We survived DL together. And we have so many things in common as being women around the same age with a lot of the same interests.
But she's dying!!
Is she really going to fucking die on me????
Am I really going to be able to go on this journey with her???
Is it a matter of my just making the decision to have her stay and I just suck it up and see how hard it's gonna get??
I've already been through the really hard of watching people I love die in different ways. This is that. But I guess that this time, I'm being given a choice of whether or not to share in it, is at least something.
She also has access to a therapist I could talk to right now if I wanted. Maybe.
But there are some other resources I'd want to explore first.
Anyway...there are 2 other places she could go but am I going to be brave and crazy enough to say stay here? That's the million-dollar question.
