Not feeling very inspired to write lately. Life is carrying on as usual. Nothing new or exciting to report...oh, except for the fun I had w/Ryan and his roommate/friends the other night when there was much consumption of beer.
Other than that, just feeling ...blah. Can't even get excited about food. Tonight my dinner was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a glass of milk.
Am feeling just...unsettled. Bored? Maybe a little bit. No date w/B tonight and just like last week when we didn't get together, I feel slightly relieved because it means I don't have to leave the comfort and safety of my little nest. (We did have a "breakfast" on Tuesday and that was nice) But on the other hand, I am a bit sadder this time around because now he's going to be out of town starting tomorrow and not back until the 18th! :(
Maybe this isn't the time to be going off of my "happy" pills but I ran out of my last prescription and have yet to call the Dr. for a refill. I think I thought that maybe it was time to quit, but I'm beginning to think maybe not. Maybe I should just resign myself to the fact that they adjust the chemicals accordingly and that needs to stay constant.
OK, OK, I will call the Dr.'s office in the morning.
I was able to keep the blahs away for most of the day w/finishing up the latest novel by one of my favorite authors, Marian Keyes. "The Brightest Star in the Sky". Bloody brilliant read from her as usual. A little bit of heartache, heartbreak but then a happy ending. Then afterward, killing time while waiting to find out if I would see B. Then dinner and now...what? Maybe I'll find something to watch. I can only kill so much time on those silly, yet absorbing Facebook games.
Another week ahead of work. Oh goody. Continuing to put up w/a job I hate...I wouldn't hate it if it weren't for the pressure to keep my talk time low and calls answered per hour high. Everyday is a battle and it's just really wearing on me. So why don't I just do something about it already??
This can't be IT. This can't be all there is to my life. I keep feeling like I'm waiting for something to happen but I don't know what. And I know, intellectually that I should be in charge of my life and making things happen not waiting for them to happen to me but ...I'm trapped in my own ...what? I don't even know what word I'm looking for.
How on earth do people get motivated and stay motivated to things like work full-time and go to college? To date and not give up on their search for love w/someone who is 100% available? To be sociable and hang out with their friends?
Sometimes I think a certain friend of mine had the right idea when she faced some of her shit head-on instead of dancing around it. But then again, that would mean saying that the choices I've made in my life and the way I live life is wrong and that's not what I mean at all.
Oh sure, there are things in my life where there is a lot of room for improvement but for the most part, I really have a great life.
So, I believe I've said this before in a previous post...what the fuck is my problem?
Maybe it's just too much time on my hands.
Or maybe one day I'll wake up and be the complete opposite of my current self. A person who works out, who goes to college. A person who volunteers. A person who wants more from their relationship than the occasional date. A person who yearns for a husband and kids. A person who always wants to be with other people.
Sometimes, and only sometimes, I get so into my head and thinking about all of this shit that it makes me really sad because I start to think I'm not good enough and really fucked up and I can feel myself going there...so I will do what I have learned to do when that happens and put the brakes on and think about lovely things like TV shows to look forward to (new episodes of "Bones", "Fringe", "Supernatural" and soon "Glee") and that tomorrow is payday again thank goodness.
So enough for now, for tonight.
Onward. With an eye toward finding something to watch online to take myself out of my head for the rest of the night.
Musings from a big and beautiful sometimes "drama queen" on her current state of existence
What's It All About?
"The unexamined life is not worth living." Socrates
While you’re here, in this time and in this space, you are beautiful and you are perfect.
You are right where you need to be to get to where you want to go, so start asking yourself where you want to go.
Noire
She'll be 2 years in 2 months! Time flies!
Things I'm grateful for everyday....
- My family
- My friends, old and new.
- A roof over my head.
- My computer & internet access
- Being employed (even if I don't always like things about my job)
- The public library and the joy of borrowing books with/on/for my Kindle
- That I can walk on two legs, use 2 arms/hands, have ten fingers/toes, can see and hear, etc. (uh, no offense to anyone who is physically challenged)
- Other people's creativity and efforts
- The love of a good man (he IS good)
- My friends, old and new.
- A roof over my head.
- My computer & internet access
- Being employed (even if I don't always like things about my job)
- The public library and the joy of borrowing books with/on/for my Kindle
- That I can walk on two legs, use 2 arms/hands, have ten fingers/toes, can see and hear, etc. (uh, no offense to anyone who is physically challenged)
- Other people's creativity and efforts
- The love of a good man (he IS good)
Current Favorite Quotes
“Be content with what you have, rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” - Lao Tzu
"The privilege of a lifetime is to be who you are." ~ Joseph Campbell
"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." ~ Charles Dickens
"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." -Carlos Castañeda
"..there’s something lovely about knowing that when it’s right, you really know it’s right because you’ve already been through all the wrong." ~ Sade
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." —Mark Twain
(This bit not so much as a quote but somethings I wrote down that I want to keep and this looks like a good place to do it)
7-25-07
1. Almost everything comes from almost nothing.
2. The best way to predict your future is to create it.
3. Leap and the net will appear.
"The privilege of a lifetime is to be who you are." ~ Joseph Campbell
"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." ~ Charles Dickens
"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." -Carlos Castañeda
"..there’s something lovely about knowing that when it’s right, you really know it’s right because you’ve already been through all the wrong." ~ Sade
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." —Mark Twain
(This bit not so much as a quote but somethings I wrote down that I want to keep and this looks like a good place to do it)
7-25-07
1. Almost everything comes from almost nothing.
2. The best way to predict your future is to create it.
3. Leap and the net will appear.
Facts of Life (per Sonya Friedman)
- 1. No one can bring your life to you
- 2. No matter what you do, someone important isn't going to like it
- 3. Though painful, rejection won't kill you - it may even lead to growth
- 4. Every choice means giving up something different
- 5. Some people aren't capable of giving you what you're trying to get from them
- 6. The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others
- 7. There are no quick fixes that can permanently change your life
- 8. Life is on a rheostat, not an on/off switch
- 9. Some problems cannot be solved - but you can make peace with them