New Chapter

https://youtu.be/oHs98TEYecM?si=PMdpGaEtjXUo5TFA

Choosing someone who makes me feel safe, loved and cared for and I get to be unapologetically myself. Yes. 

Welcome back B 

We have our own vows - and I do - say yes to a life with him in it. 

They are about to say 'I do', three little letters, two little words. 

Its the simplest part of the day; but there is nothing simple about the things that will remain unsaid.

'I do' means I do know I could be hurt, but I am ready to be healed with you.

It means I do want to try, even when the fear of failure holds me back.

And I do not know the future, but I am ready to be surprised along the way.

'I do' means I do want your love & I do give you mine.

And nothing we do will ever be the same, because we will be doing it all together.   

I choose you, only you my love. 

October Symphony

Notes written/notepad that belong here. 

Now that I’ve embraced posting via mobile apps, I’ll be able to post more. 

I’ve got lots of stuff to document. Then again, will I really want to reread all of this? Not really. In the meantime, for my small devoted audience…

 Notes: 

Notes 1 - Assault

⁃ I think I left my body because I don’t even wanna think about the pain I was feeling from getting that beating. I mean, I still can’t even believe it really happened. And here I am just trying to do the right thing and get some Workmen’s Comp. from my company, but they just are being assholes about it. 

⁃ I’m glad I have a lawyer! 

And…

Note - 2 - D also stands for Done

Well D disappeared for about 3 days and then said needs slow things down, take a break. Alrighty then. I know what that means. 

I got what I needed out of him and I was really struggling with how to move forward. I mean we had fun. Another “meh” experience sex-wise but at least I finally got fucked. In spite of that, it was a good experience -music! but yeah, I feel OK about it. 

He’ll just be another guy on Facebook that I’ve been with, but we didn’t end up together. I’ve got a few of those now. I wonder if I should worry about that? I don’t know.

And B popped back into the picture briefly. (Yeah you did) 

☯️☯️

Am I really accepting all of that? So…coldly

Yeah, I’ve already been battered physically and emotionally and these are just more bruises on my soul. 

Back to life as I know it as a single woman. 

Oh and more sucky things

-SD has cancer and prognosis isn’t great. 

-R in hospital, serious diabetes issue - sent him message that if he wants to have a pity party for 2 that we could FT tonight and be miserable and complain together to get it out of our systems. We’ll see if that happens. I pretty much just did that in this post.  

D is most definitely in the picture

Well I am in the car, on the way grab some food, then V do my makeup and O/V and V’s new friend L are dropping me off at the airport. I’m flying up to Duluth this evening for our first meeting. I am smitten kitten! 

Keep you posted! 

So THAT happened and that.

So it’s mid-September and I am home recovering From being assaulted by G at the Richfield house. I’m also recovering from finding someone I could have truly fallen in love with to now being ghosted, D. I am not gonna be a victim and I’m not gonna blame myself, for either situation. 

Sure, maybe with D I maybe got ahead of myself and talked too much but I was really giving as much as I was getting. 

OK, so I have literally and emotionally taken a beating in the last week and just fuck it all. 

55 is Right Around the Corner

And I'm actually OK with that. It's the next chapter. Tonight, first night feel like this job is going to work out for me.

And

I ate chia seeds for the first time and I liked them!!!!! Granted, it was a chocolate pudding with strawberries and cacao nibs. Wasn't sure at first but was a fan at the end!! 

So this is my life at this stage of my life. Feeling capable again and fuck do I ever love getting a paycheck!!!!

Now to just get back on track financially. 

And this is my life .... working overnights for Dragonfly and have a lot of freedom! 

V continues to make me proud, love him more, frustrate less...so so fucking lucky to have them both in my life!! 

And Just Like That

OK, well all that intense thinking I did about B the other day resulted in him, texting me but with a text that didn’t make any sense. I won’t get into all of the details, but suffice it to say that he wasn’t answering my questions and he thought I was ghosting him. Guess he’s not reading the blog anymore.

I had told him repeatedly in text that I was just giving him space to figure out what he wanted. 

As nervous as I was, I decided to just rip off the Band-Aid and I asked him straight out if he’s gonna get divorced, he said NO and that means that the end for us. He doesn’t get to still have me in his life. He doesn’t get to have his cake and eat it too. 

I asked him when he changed his mind and he said within the six months to the last year. WTF? At first I wanted to take it personally, but then I realized it’s all on him. He is the coward or maybe that’s too harsh. He just couldn’t bring himself to tear apart his family in order to give us a chance. 

I’ve got so many thoughts, feelings and emotions swirling around in my head. I’m in shock right now well maybe not shock because I guess I always knew this was coming and I guess I’m just not surprised. If we really were gonna be together, we might’ve made it happen a lot sooner. And of course, there’s anger, I’m really pissed because I chose to wait for someone all of these years and now he decides that he’s not gonna honor his promise….I’ve spent the last 20+ years of my life waiting on this man and it was all for nothing? Yeah, there’s a million lessons I’ve learned about this, from this, but damn him.

And of course there’s heartbreak. I love this man. I loved this man, but it’s just not meant to be and I was at least thankfully already thinking of just letting him go. 

I am sure I’ll have more to say at another time, but for now this is where things are at.

Jammin’

Could I be any more of a cliché right now? I am outside, listening to music and enjoying some nature and the song that’s on is “Jammin” by Bob Marley and it’s just so perfect for the way I’m enjoying nature right now. I’ve been playing chauffeur for V a lot recently and I’m kinda liking it. I like sitting in the car waiting for him. Just listening to music and smokin’ whenever I want.

So I think I do have the job even though there’s been a change in management. I’m talking directly with the owner of the company and yeah hopefully gonna start working the night shift soon. I’ve been thinking about how my life is gonna be and in order to not fuck myself up more physically (because night shift is hard on a body) I’m gonna have to create a schedule and make sure I get in time for exercise, and that the food I eat is good and doesn’t have any sugar in it 🤬 and I’m gonna go swim before work. I really gotta keep doing these things. Fatty liver disease is no joke. 

Well I guess I’m glad I’m happy it’s not fucking diabetes. Jesus. You know what really pisses me off? That every time I have a doctor appointment or dentist appointment, they assume I already have diabetes! WTF, like fuck you! You know that’s the problem with being my size, there’s a lot of assumptions made. Yet I need to not be the “O” word anymore. I can live with “fat” but the O word has got to fucking go. I hate that fucking word fucking “obese” fucking horrible. I hate it and I’m not gonna be that anymore. I’m not. I’m sick and tired of it.