Well, OK Then

All right, so I guess this is the new reality, posting on this blog by doing it speech to text…that laptop is such a pain in the ass. I should just get rid of it. There’s so many things in this place I should just get rid of, but I find myself not able to. I know I should just like keep the sentimental stuff, but everything is kind of sentimental in one way or another. 

Anyway, the reason for this post today is that I had to come here and talk about how it’s interesting how something can be just switched from on/off or from up to down or from down to up so quickly. I was feeling so hopeless as of yesterday but now I’m feeling hopeful again and all because I had a chat with O and decided to look into getting a job with her company. 

I’m applying for a position that would be working overnights and just being there in the house to be there for this behaviorally-challenged kid and it couldn’t be more perfect for my life right now. Well OK that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but anyway I was feeling really hopeless and then I watched a video on YouTube from Tony Robbins and Eckhart Tolle and the point that kept being really nailed home, for 45 minutes, was that all we have is now. All we have is now. All we have is now and it got in my head and made me stop and take a quick check-in with myself and going OK this is my now -

I’m a night owl and I don’t wanna work too hard right now. I know that sounds terrible but I know what I mean 😬 but then I also realized that I wanna work with people and not “machines” so it’s kind of perfect. 

I’m doing this interview over text and I’m just being myself, and being able to be myself? That’s the dream baby because I’ve had so many jobs where I’ve had to rein in who I am and I don’t wanna do that anymore. I wanna just be free to be me 😬 

Hmm, I didn’t realize how important that was until right now..,but anyway, of course, when it rains it pours (not that anything really may come of either of these things) but I also have a text from a temp agency that wants to know what I’m looking for etc. and so I’m gonna answer it. I’m just gonna go with like the dream of what I want - shift, work, pay - because if you don’t ask, you don’t get, right? 

I have to make these things about my life important and really good for myself because I have a feeling they’re going to become very important to me as I deal with the loss of the love of my life. I have a feeling that things aren’t gonna work out with us. I just have a feeling that if it was gonna happen it would’ve happened by now. It’s that “He’s Just Not That Into You” thing. Lord knows I’ve been seeing a million memes and quotes on Facebook the last few months saying that when a man really loves a woman, really into a woman, there’s nothing that he wouldn’t do to be with her -should I think the universe is trying to tell me something? 

I was so sure for a while with him, that we were going to be real someday, and then I lost it all, Thankfully, in a weird way, you know O & V have filled the “family” need that I wanted to feel again.  In fact, yesterday kind of in a joking way, I asked O if she wanted to be my domestic partner and she said yes so yeah maybe I mean it’s kind of weird but a domestic partner is like the best of things and the only thing you’re missing is the sex, and romantic stuff 🥺 but I’m so thankful for her,  so incredibly thankful that this woman came into my life and that the kid has changed my world totally upside down and I love them both so much, 

I never would have ever imagined that this would be my life at this point. Going on 55 and living in this condo and being a family with a Russian woman and child…but God if anybody can understand life not sailing smoothly (with my mother‘s many marriages, and our millions of moves (ooh I like the alliteration on that) just to name the minor things) it’s going to be them and the shit they’ve experienced in their lives so far.  

So now we are this little family unit and it’s the best thing ever and I’m learning so much from them. I’m so lucky to have them and I can’t imagine life without them, especially at this time in my life because yeah I think they’re gonna help heal my heart. 

Still, I really do hope I’m wrong. No one ever has made me feel like he makes me feel. I’m smarter. I’m funnier. I’m more beautiful. I’m more confident. I’m standing tall and I am. I’m superwoman when I’m with him. And he’s my Superman, sexy and strong and confident and so manly and masculine, and just my total alpha male. 

I just wish things would just hurry up and get messy and awful and terrible so we can get that part over with and then just be together. We deserve to give it a try. I don’t know about him, but I don’t wanna have spent the last 20 years for nothing but a “learning experience” 

I gotta fucking get off that topic now anyway I think this is enough for now. 

This is a lot and

I’ll be back.

More of 1st Quarter

Sorry about that. I meant to come back and do another post right away but you know, life, got in the way. 

Update on my court thing. I accepted a deal that said as long as I don't have any more "school bus violations" in a year, then it all goes away and I have 6 months to pay off $175 in fines/fees. 

I could have insisted on finding video, go to court/jury but I just wanted to get on with the business of ...life. 

Not that there really is going on at the moment. I thought I had a lot more of stuff to talk about but don't find myself feeling particularly chatty right now. 

Though...things here at home with O & V are really good. We are a family and we are his "parents" and we're a good team. We have strengths and weaknesses that are complimentary, and V is getting both of his physical AND emotional needs met. 

And I'm so proud of him. In little over a week, it will be our 2-year anniversary and I'm still so grateful every day that they came into my life. Being part of a real family like this ...sharing responsibilities of caring for a kid...who knew I could have handled it very well had I had a chance to do that with B! Oh well. 

I love seeing how much V has grown physically, mentally and emotionally over these last couple of years. 

Because of him, I know what my dream job would be at this time in my life. I would love to work with LGBTQ2+ youth. Be a youth advocate. I have an opportunity now to go to Normandale Community College this summer to get my associates in psychology. I'm hoping a lot of my credits from Strayer and Sophia transfer because then I'd be done with that program that much quicker which should help career-wise -get my foot in the door somewhere doing what I want to do. Unless I seriously pursue that lead I got from Dr. E (V's Dr.) 

On that front, silence. 

And everywhere I look - on social media of all things - are things about not staying with someone who isn't actively showing you that they want to be with you. "Love Yourself Enough to Let Them Go" - but I resist that message as I'm not really with him yet. Do I wish it was as simple as he would have decided long ago to divorce and be with me? Yes, sometimes. But I wasn't ready. I think I needed to go through all that I went through which led me to this place, where I can appreciate getting a taste of what his life has been like. Living in a household where responsibility for a kid is the #1 priority is not a small thing. 

In the meantime, I'm also beginning the process of applying for social security disability. I don't know how that will go but I do know that my body isn't like it used to be. 

Speaking of my body - while it's not working quite as well as it used to be, at least, thankfully I am losing some weight. I got a little off track recently, but I'll get back on track. For me, smaller portions, more veggies/fruit and more water has been a great start. Totally doable when I put my mind to it :P  The feeling of seeing the number go down when I get weighed is THE best feeling in the world. 

Did I mention I got a free membership to a gym (LA Fitness) with my health insurance and I can go swimming whenever I want...and I've gone only once since I signed up :( ) -going up and down the steps on errands or taking V out and about is all the activity I'm getting these days. I know I need more than that. 

When does need turn into do? I'm such a big talker, not so much a doer. Maybe that's what I should give some serious thought to...er, I mean, some active study! 

Ha! Maybe I'd just be using that as another excuse not to look for work. Though I've got lots of good excuses for why I'm not really doing that...all of the uncertainty in our government right now with that evil orange one and his pet piranha causing chaos. And what if I qualify for social security disability? Don't I need to know more about that before I seriously look for work? 

Anyway, in spite of everything...I consider myself very lucky. Very blessed. O and V have a lot to do with that. While I'm going this phase of my life, I'm not alone. 

I want this with B...at least I used to. It's so hard not having a clue wondering what the fuck is going through his mind. 

1st Quarter 2025 Report

Well, I'm not sure where to begin, so maybe I'll just begin in January. Still unemployed and wondering what the fuck to do with myself, I was inspired by a conversation that O and I were having about certificate programs to look into. So, then I thought, maybe I should look into going and doing the esthiology program at Aveda (Horst.)  I had started the cosmetology program there back in the early 90's but it wasn't quite right. I preferred skin-care and make-up to hair and I had said back then that I should have done esthiology instead of cosmetology. Over the years I've said I should have done esthiology. So, I decided to go for it.

It was also a fairly easy choice to make since my job search had been pathetic at that point, and I was feeling so discouraged about having to go through the whole process - especially when every job that I am qualified for had just been leaving me...cold. Cold is the best way to describe it. But it was more than that. It was the thought of facing another job where I was the "middleman" and wasn't going to be in charge of the choices made that made it easier to think it would be a good fit to do this thing, where I would be able to help people directly with something. I would be actively doing something to help someone feel good about themselves. 

Just for curiosity's sake, I thought I'd also just see what other schools had the program and to my pleasant surprise, I found out that there was a beauty school here in Bloomington that was going to be a better fit...that it had free, close parking and a small enough of a footprint, space-wise, that I should be able to navigate it with my limited mobility were also major selling points. 

From my first meeting with the admissions officer, K and the ED of the school, T, it felt right. The downside is that it wouldn't begin until March 10. 

Life carried on and I still looked and applied for jobs that might work, and when even one working in a group air department for a travel agency -rejected me! - is when I became convinced it was time to go ahead and commit to school. Learn this skill and trade and then be able to work in all sorts of places and do lots of things with this and problem solved! 

In the meantime, O got her driver's license (and bought her first car days later!) I'm so proud of her for getting it done!  Yes, she did get help from a driving school & instructor on top of practicing in Betsy and what I taught her, but she still had to pass the test. 

I won't lie, having 2 driver's and 2 cars in the house with a teenager has been a godsend. Added bonus, I don't need to take getting V to school (or picking him up afterwards) into consideration as to what hours I would "need" to work. 

Also, in the meantime, I got a ticket, and I will be going to court tomorrow morning. A school bus had stopped, and the stop sign went up just as I passed it. Cop chased me down and gave me a ticket and this is an automatic court offense. I qualified for an attorney since I couldn't afford one of my own and apparently, you just meet them at the courthouse the same day/time. OK. I'll just have to deal with whatever happens from that. 

And .... school? Well, I didn't last a week. By the 2nd day when we had to go set up our tables and practice "draping" I was thinking I might be in trouble. 

Physically I was a wreck after doing the standing and bending and reaching just to do that. And this was just a tiny sliver of the whole process. 

By the 4th day when we gave a partial facial, I knew I was done. My poor classmate who I had to give the facial to, got the bare minimum. By the time I was done, I was a sweaty crying mess with a back that hurt like a mofo. I really hadn't given enough consideration to the physical demands of the job. Being able to stand and using my short arms to do this -I thought it would work, but no. 

Our instructor, Miss Ann, was so kind. She remarked that I had some soul-searching to do and she was 100% right. On my way out that day, I stopped in at the offices and ended up chatting with both K & T and decided I wasn't going to give up quite yet. I was going to see if a back and knee brace would help. I was going to see what other kids of accommodations that could be made that would help. I wasn't going to quit yet another something in the space of a few months! 

I made it through the weekend. even though my back was still killing me. By the time Monday came around when I got the back/knee braces, even with the right sizes, it was a disaster. The knee brace wouldn't stay up and the back brace was too big and bulky overall for my short torso. They weren't going to work. With the thought of what I was going to have to be able to do every day, several times a day, made me admit to myself I had really made a mistake. Well, a big error in judgement let's just say. So, I went it on Tuesday morning and had a chat with T and withdrew. 

I'm not happy I quit something else in a matter of months, but there is something to be said for knowing when something is not going to work and letting it go. 

To Be Continued...

    

Welcome to 2025 Blogger

June 22 2024

My wants/needs

• Emotionally available 
• Physically available 

Serve me

feed me healthy food

Shower with me

Stretch with me

Exercise with me

SExercise with me

Help me get me back in touch with my body

Touch my body, soft and hard

Appreciate the body I have now

☮️☯️

That is a note from my notepad and because I’m getting lazy again at posting here, I’m going to just add something to Notes and then Copy and paste it here (with the date of course because I can’t copy that part of the note anyway and I couldn’t attach a screenshot) so the idea is that I use my notepad a lot more and the stuff I’m usually putting in the notepad…half the time it’s important and related to life and I know it…so I will just then copy and paste it here. It will be a different sort of record keeping of my life at this point - - 2025 Is pretty fucking good so far considering I’m unemployed. But I have new health Insurance from state of MN, I’m getting unemployment money, O and V are still living with me, or I should say back living with me, and 2025 should be an important year for B and I.

It’s the year Annie turns 18. I was promised that once she turned 18, he would get divorced and we would FINALLY be able to have a real relationship.

I’ve got to see that through and get resolution to it once and for all. For the last time. I’m hopeful things are going to go on my way. I love that man so fucking much and I know he loves me.

. 

Alone again, naturally.

 O & V moved into their own place last Friday night. I felt alone and lonely and miserable and threw myself quite the pity party at varying times over the weekend. Now, Monday and back to work and it's odd to work in complete silence (apart from the music I've got playing) again. No more hearing O coming home from work and V coming home from school. Just me and the cat. 

A big part of the loneliness was coming from that I've not lived alone -except for a couple of months in between E moving out and O/V moving in -since I lost Pop. 

This just sort of compounds feelings I've had before about how alone in the world I feel I am now. I think I just need to shake it off. I mean, deal with it by realizing, I'm NOT alone -I've got dear friends -and I'm going to enjoy getting used to having my own space again. 

And as of right now, the only other person I want to live with is B. Or at least we spend a lot of nights together. 

Yeah, B. Love of my life. 

Fall - Death and Birth

Just like the leaves that will soon start falling off of the trees, change is afoot in my life again. It's time for O and V to move on -especially to a place closer to school. 1 bus, not 2/3. I so get it. And there will most likely be a new roommate right away, D. We'll see. That reminds me, I forgot to text that we should arrange for him to come see the place and meet me. 

I'm so glad I met these 2. Especially V. He's taught me so much about being straightforward and honest, how to think about things differently -they don't have to be the way they always have been -and about how much I could love another child besides E & O. 

But I also kinda want my space back. I told V that as much as I love them, that's what I want and he had no problem with it whatsoever and then went and came up with a much better solution than holding off on having someone move in and that's to just say welcome but that I'm going to need an emotional break for a bit. Brilliant!

And I know logically, this isn't the end for us. Just the end of this chapter. 

Onward and Upward

State of the Sam - Birthday 2024

So here we are. 1 day more and I'm 54. 

It's been a wild year, summer...

Because of the uncertainty of my future with B, I decided to put myself on dating apps. 

And this time around, I decided I was going to be completely and openly just myself, as I am now, RA and all. Include full-body pictures!! I wasn't going to be coy, or mysterious and speak up if I felt I needed to. 

For so long, I have forgotten that I deserve love and companionship as I am right now. And deserve it even with B. I don't have to have gotten rid of my RA, lose a ton of weight, have a nicer place, or be completely debt-free. He hasn't asked those things of me, I just assumed they were more important than they are. And while those things are nice and I'm aiming for them, they're all just part of my being a work in progress and even if I don't achieve every goal, it doesn't mean I'm unworthy. 

I'm still capable of love and sex (for the most part, getting on my knees is the main no-go ; ) ) and have lots to give. I can also go out and do stuff. I'm not the most mobile but I can get around and/or I'm willing to try. 

For some reason I've yet to understand, I had convinced myself that I had to be a better, more grown-up/adult  version of myself and just be someone I'm not and may never be -in order to be ready for a real relationship [with him.] 

I wonder if that will even happen anymore. I hate that I can't talk about the future, our future, with him. We've only spent the last few years planning on it only for things to go off the rails into what-the-fuck land where old hurts are surfacing and I'm left confused and unsure. 

So, the apps. Ugh. They're worse now. Men in their 40s & 50s that are out there say they're looking for love -but mostly want to get laid. 

And I'm not that person anymore. Have I ever been that person or was that just desperation and low standards?

Where I'm at now is that I know, I KNOW, what it's like to be intimate with the person you love (thank you for that B!) and I don't want anything other than, no matter how horny I might be. I also now believe I would be what they call, "demisexual" -

"Demisexuality is a sexual orientation where people only feel sexual attraction to someone after forming a strong emotional bond with them. This is different from primary sexual attraction, which is based on immediate characteristics like appearance or smell and is felt right after a first encounter. Demisexual people can develop romantic feelings for others, but they only experience sexual attraction with partners they are deeply connected to."

And no matter the profile I look at, they're not B. I'm looking for another him -just one that's available -and I'm not finding him or anyone that appeals to me. Oh sure, I've been keeping my mind as open as I can, but I know that my heart really belongs to B. 

I tell ya, B has totally spoiled me. I now have high expectations for any man who becomes involved with me. To quote from a song in one of my favorite movies of all time, "Grease" - "he's the one I want." 

So...O & V are still with me and I should be feeling more anxious about whether they're going to stay longer. Well, I was, at first, but now I understand. It's nice to be able to take a quick walk to school, work, or to shop, when your legs are your primary mode of transportation. I briefly toyed with the idea of moving with them but...no. I love my home.  

And I know V feels isolated here but that will change, I feel confident it will change when he makes some friends from school and/or IRL. He'll have things to do, elsewhere! And I know there's more to it, but that's a big reason why it would be a good decision on their part. And yes, it's their decision. (They're a team and I've had to learn to handle my jealousy about that (and that's a post for another day. Maybe.))

But...but...but...I am a 2nd mom to V and I like the job, a LOT. This kid has turned my world upside down, in the best possible way. I didn't know I was capable of such love for a child. Oh sure, I love E & O but I don't have any direct say in how they're growing up. With V...I'm learning so much. Things don't have to be the way they were. And why not express our opinions? And why not question things? Watching someone, and trying to help him, grow up into a good, happy, young man, is a fascinating and frustrating experience. 

*sigh* I'm sure they also would just like their own house.  

So the future remains uncertain in that regard. 

BTW, I'm loving my new boobs. I'm so happy and I don't feel like a freak anymore. I had to get a new swimsuit top! I find myself touching them a lot because I can't believe they're this small now! 

And to now just keep on working on making better food/drink choices. 

And this is the summer that O lost her dad and N lost her mom. I feel their pain. 

It's been over 2 years since Pop finally let go of his life. That's really the best way to describe it. He let go. And he's at peace. I think it's a lovely goal to be at peace with your life and the choices you made, throughout your life, when your end comes. Without the "self-termination" that is. 

So, birthday. Sleep in, eat some edibles, and then pool time with V. It should be a good day! Then a combined birthday pool party with O on Saturday. That should be fun!  

Onward and Upward.