State of the Sam - Birthday 2024

So here we are. 1 day more and I'm 54. 

It's been a wild year, summer...

Because of the uncertainty of my future with B, I decided to put myself on dating apps. 

And this time around, I decided I was going to be completely and openly just myself, as I am now, RA and all. Include full-body pictures!! I wasn't going to be coy, or mysterious and speak up if I felt I needed to. 

For so long, I have forgotten that I deserve love and companionship as I am right now. And deserve it even with B. I don't have to have gotten rid of my RA, lose a ton of weight, have a nicer place, or be completely debt-free. He hasn't asked those things of me, I just assumed they were more important than they are. And while those things are nice and I'm aiming for them, they're all just part of my being a work in progress and even if I don't achieve every goal, it doesn't mean I'm unworthy. 

I'm still capable of love and sex (for the most part, getting on my knees is the main no-go ; ) ) and have lots to give. I can also go out and do stuff. I'm not the most mobile but I can get around and/or I'm willing to try. 

For some reason I've yet to understand, I had convinced myself that I had to be a better, more grown-up/adult  version of myself and just be someone I'm not and may never be -in order to be ready for a real relationship [with him.] 

I wonder if that will even happen anymore. I hate that I can't talk about the future, our future, with him. We've only spent the last few years planning on it only for things to go off the rails into what-the-fuck land where old hurts are surfacing and I'm left confused and unsure. 

So, the apps. Ugh. They're worse now. Men in their 40s & 50s that are out there say they're looking for love -but mostly want to get laid. 

And I'm not that person anymore. Have I ever been that person or was that just desperation and low standards?

Where I'm at now is that I know, I KNOW, what it's like to be intimate with the person you love (thank you for that B!) and I don't want anything other than, no matter how horny I might be. I also now believe I would be what they call, "demisexual" -

"Demisexuality is a sexual orientation where people only feel sexual attraction to someone after forming a strong emotional bond with them. This is different from primary sexual attraction, which is based on immediate characteristics like appearance or smell and is felt right after a first encounter. Demisexual people can develop romantic feelings for others, but they only experience sexual attraction with partners they are deeply connected to."

And no matter the profile I look at, they're not B. I'm looking for another him -just one that's available -and I'm not finding him or anyone that appeals to me. Oh sure, I've been keeping my mind as open as I can, but I know that my heart really belongs to B. 

I tell ya, B has totally spoiled me. I now have high expectations for any man who becomes involved with me. To quote from a song in one of my favorite movies of all time, "Grease" - "he's the one I want." 

So...O & V are still with me and I should be feeling more anxious about whether they're going to stay longer. Well, I was, at first, but now I understand. It's nice to be able to take a quick walk to school, work, or to shop, when your legs are your primary mode of transportation. I briefly toyed with the idea of moving with them but...no. I love my home.  

And I know V feels isolated here but that will change, I feel confident it will change when he makes some friends from school and/or IRL. He'll have things to do, elsewhere! And I know there's more to it, but that's a big reason why it would be a good decision on their part. And yes, it's their decision. (They're a team and I've had to learn to handle my jealousy about that (and that's a post for another day. Maybe.))

But...but...but...I am a 2nd mom to V and I like the job, a LOT. This kid has turned my world upside down, in the best possible way. I didn't know I was capable of such love for a child. Oh sure, I love E & O but I don't have any direct say in how they're growing up. With V...I'm learning so much. Things don't have to be the way they were. And why not express our opinions? And why not question things? Watching someone, and trying to help him, grow up into a good, happy, young man, is a fascinating and frustrating experience. 

*sigh* I'm sure they also would just like their own house.  

So the future remains uncertain in that regard. 

BTW, I'm loving my new boobs. I'm so happy and I don't feel like a freak anymore. I had to get a new swimsuit top! I find myself touching them a lot because I can't believe they're this small now! 

And to now just keep on working on making better food/drink choices. 

And this is the summer that O lost her dad and N lost her mom. I feel their pain. 

It's been over 2 years since Pop finally let go of his life. That's really the best way to describe it. He let go. And he's at peace. I think it's a lovely goal to be at peace with your life and the choices you made, throughout your life, when your end comes. Without the "self-termination" that is. 

So, birthday. Sleep in, eat some edibles, and then pool time with V. It should be a good day! Then a combined birthday pool party with O on Saturday. That should be fun!  

Onward and Upward.

Summer 2024

 Current songs played on repeat for hours:

"Chemical" Post Malone

"Talk About Love" Kate Hudson

"Fortnight" (feat. Post Malone) Taylor Swift

Current state of home: 

    I will most likely be losing O and V to their own apartment if O changes work locations to be nearer to V's school - It really does make sense for them to live within walking distance and not have to worry about learning to drive and only occasionally having to take the bus vs. relying on it so heavily. 

And I have to let them go. 

And while a part of me will be very happy to have my quiet life back...I'm not sure how I'm going to feel living alone again after living through the experience of becoming family with them. 

I asked Pop for someone to love and he sent me 2, but I didn't ask for my forever someone. 

I just want to have my life partner already. I don't want to go through life alone anymore. 

And now they're probably leaving and life will be changing substantially again. 

I've been working toward acceptance that they weren't planning on staying with me forever for months - ever since it came up with V in a conversation we had. I was very upset at the time but that was related to losing even more important people I love and well, I guess it was a trigger. 

Why doesn't anyone want to be with me forever? Yeah, I'm counting B in that. 

We are in a vicious circle of our own - I don't believe he's really going to keep his promise to marry me but by telling him I don't trust him, it proves that I don't believe him ...or something like that. I'm HAF right now. 

But...I'm so confused. Maybe it won't all matter and I should run away somewhere. I'm behind on my mortgage and unless I can get my shit together I'm going to lose this place so nothing is tying me to Minnesota anymore. Well, Jason but he has his wife and soon-to-be-here step-daughter. He's got his family and religion. 

N has pulled away, just has so much going on in her world. 

I have E but he's focused on finding a relationship of his own

R, K & the boys, have such full lives with school, sports, etc. 

Oh god, I'm feeling so lonely right now and crying. 

I may have Noire but she only loves me because I feed her, scoop her poop and pet her. 

If I let this place go...I better be going somewhere else where I'm not going to be alone. 

Where could I go? Where could I afford to go? Is there even anyone who I could move closer to...Scott and San Diego are not an option. Not yet anyway. 

A & M up in Grande Prairie AB? 

Cousin J (here in MN/she) Cousin J (down in FL/he) 

God, I'm really feeling sorry for myself. 

Not even being grateful for things I do have in my life...the people who do love me ....is working this time. 

Fuck. I'm a fucking mess right now. Bringing myself down - well time to distract!!!!!

Spring 2024

Another time of year when dead things come back to life. In nature anyway. 

Today is the 2-year anniversary of losing Sally. Did I ever mention that? And the 2nd anniversary of losing Pop is just around the corner, July 3rd. 

And just like then, B is missing from my life while I deal with the grief and loss. 

All of a sudden, in the space of a few months I lost Sally, Pop and B was gone too. It's a wonder I didn't lose my mind. 

Ups and downs, ups and downs. Our last conversation made me feel like I was the bad guy. For making him feel bad and like he's a terrible person. I'm the bad guy for wanting to talk about our future. I'm the bad guy because I'm bringing reality into the situation. 

He doesn't understand that, of course, I'm going to speak my mind because I've been able to do that with him during our whole relationship. I have someone who listens to and pays attention to me, so I have a certain standard now. I can't imagine being in a relationship with anyone who you couldn't talk to about anything with. 

Is it not normal to be straightforward, honest and direct in a relationship? 

I do truly believe that IF we do end up together, that we will indeed need therapy if we have any chance of turning what we have, what we've had, into a real relationship. Love isn't enough to repair years of mistrust, and insecurities. 

Then again, is that enough of a reason to say, forget it and we shouldn't bother? Are we already doomed because I won't be able to really get over the resentment of waiting for the man I love for so long? 

The reason for all the waiting has been love. Love he has for his daughter, love I have for him. And right now I'm not feeling much love. 

I am just feeling like all of this waiting is, well, just not worth it. 

At least I finally realized that I'm worthy of a relationship and love right now just as I am. I don't have to be "better" in any areas of my life 

I want someone to commit forever to and they do the same with me. We choose each other and put the other one first. 

All I want is someone to call my own and put me first and I'll do the same for them. 

I know V and O won't stay here forever - and as much as that pains me, it's the reality. 

But, if at the end of the day, it's me, Noire and maybe some other cats, I'm OK with that. 

Reality vs. Fantasy

Well hello no one! 

Even if no one is reading this anymore, it's here for me. 

So I did it. 

And, they're smaller than I think I wanted. I definitely don't have the breasts in my Venus poster and that's a bummer. 

And it seems crazy to complain about that. Considering I went from an L cup to now whatever size I am - the surgeon said she'd be going for a C cup but I think I am closer to a B -and really that is just a guess. Recovery continues and it will be a while before things settle down enough for me to know what new size I am. 

I think. 

I've got another follow-up with Dr. Luong in a couple of weeks. I will need to ask her what more to expect -besides my nipples starting to look normal again. 

It still doesn't feel quite real even though it's now been over a month since surgery. 

I catch my reflection and the good news is that I don't hate myself anymore. NOW I can get to neutral. 

And not having back pain because of carrying those girls anymore is wonderful! 10 lbs removed in one surgery! 

I've been so motivated to have this be just part 1 of creating a new relationship with my body before it's too late but the last couple of days I've just been...meh. 

Having reduction surgery was indeed the right thing to do for me. I'm looking forward to wearing things I couldn't wear before! 

Maybe it's OK if I take this time to continue resting before I take on anything else. 

Well, we'll just see how I feel over the next 3 weeks or so. I meet with the dietitian on April 5. 

I thought I had a lot more to say but not really so...

Au revoir 

Saying Goodbye to "the Girls"

On Friday, February 9, 2024, I am having breast reduction surgery. 

I need a chance to live differently in my body before it's too late. 

I'm also going to be meeting with the weight management team that Allina has. 

Not just breasts, but the rest of me needs serious attention. 

I'm tired of being disconnected from my body. 

I am finally feeling a very strong desire to sincerely lose weight. It's like the reduction is giving me a fresh start of sorts. 

And in re: the girls? I'm not going to miss them at all. 

I'm really not. 

They're just ugly and I hate them. I'm tired of carrying them around and living with constant back pain. 

It's the longest surgery I'll have had afterwards and that scares me a little bit. 

I'm fully putting my trust in the anesthesiologist to make sure I sleep through it all AND wake up!!!

So now, next question. Should I video the experience, for myself? Starting now? Maybe.

I'm sure there is a lot more I could write right now about this but nah, just an update. 

Onward and Upward, but with soon, smaller tits.

Wrapping Up 2023 & What's Ahead 2024

12/20/23

I thought I had so much to say about this year, but at the moment, I'm not feeling that like getting into all of it. :D 

I had a moment a little bit ago when I felt incredibly grateful for my life. I AM very grateful for it. 

I've learned so much about myself and I'm still learning -especially a lot about how I feel about children. 

Will that be my biggest regret? Not wanting children and losing the chance to be a parent with B. 

Maybe. 

Loving E, O & V is so easy.

............Continued, 12/22/23

So where are things with B right now? Well, The waiting continues. We're down to 2 years before A turns 18. I'm going to hate what they will all have to go through. Enough to let him go? Though we're so close to the next chapter of our love story. 

I don't know. 

I wish I could have a fight with him where he fights back, and after we have this fight, we've cleared the air and can keep moving forward. It pisses me off when I get mad and he just takes it. Makes himself out to be the bad guy and the only one to blame for this. I can't convince him that we're both responsible for our choices. 

I love him desperately. 

Truly, madly, deeply. 

Btw, I don't want to hear him say he doesn't want to fight back and "say something [he'll] regret" -because what does that mean? What does he think he would say that would be that bad? The worst thing he could say is that he is done with me. Done with us. 

I used to think he would never say that but now I'm not so sure. It's been a rough couple of years...probably the toughest we've been through so far. 

What do I need from him? What does he need from me? 

In the meantime, in school, Strayer - 3 quarters in a row, A's, and as of now, I've got a 4.0 GPA. And I'm back to doing Sophia courses in between. 

So 2023 was a year of academic success, continuing my relationship with B, and learning how to love and care for someone other than myself in the form of a young man I really wish was my kid. 

V has turned my world upside down. And I'm finding that fine line between caring and not putting myself in a position that will bring me sorrow down the road when he leaves and moves on to the next place. That's what you have to do sometimes: let them go. 

I'm not so great at that. 

In other news, I bought my first Christmas tree EVER. I felt like it was something fun to do for "the family." 

I've embraced coloring my hair. I am painting my nails black and loving it. I'm finding it fun to do things I did when I was younger. 

The same people inhabit my world, and overall, life is good. 

Things ahead in 2024 -

    - New health insurance through work, and I'm hoping that they will also approve and cover my breast reduction surgery, scheduled for February 9th. 

    - V will start going to school in person, Watershed High School. First day/orientation on January 15th. 

    - School will also continue for me. Sophia courses, too, to get more general credits done. 

  Well, that's it for now. 

Onward and Upward. 

I Can Live With It

B,

Here's the reality about my relationship with O1…

She isn't just my housecleaner. She is a friend and you may feel she's taking advantage of my good nature BUT if you know the amount of things I've asked her to help with, you'll understand and can let this go.

Starting from the beginning, over 4 years ago now, she has made sure the home I purchased was clean from top to bottom. 

I've never lived in a clean home before. Growing up my parent's weren't into being crazy about cleanliness. 

I think I've told you how their house always smelled of stale fried food, mustiness and dust. They never washed the drapes (and they always had to have drapes and curtains on every window), nor mop the floor or deep clean the carpets. The kitchen counters would be kept clear but not behind and under the stuff they had on them. I loved them both so much but neither was good at housekeeping.

It only got a tiny bit better when my mother discovered she liked wearing perfume again and discovered Febreze!

Then when I moved out on my own...my "smells" were better but everything else just got the basic treatment and/or was only done infrequently. 

It's when you move you realize how dirty a house can get when you don't keep up with it. The corners! Dusting. Floors. I hated doing floors. It's why I still wear slippers in the house to this day However, I don't have to if I don't want to!

Every single time I moved, the zillions of times, I've had to clean the place. If I had just maintained, it wouldn't have been bad. I did get better over the years but I still hate cleaning. 

My home is where I spend most of my time and having it clean -not having to worry about cleaning is worth a million dollars to me. Have I mentioned I HATE cleaning? :P 

The whole time I've known her, I've said that I would give up any other comforts to keep her.

When you live alone, there is only you to do everything and I think you may have forgotten since you've not lived alone in decades :P 

But it's not just about how she keeps my home clean...it's about all of the extras:

-Cleaning out the spare room so I could rent it out. Moving furniture/boxes and then giving it a deep cleaning.

-Putting up pictures and helping moving furniture

-Coming to my aid when I had a bad RA episode. I was a mess and in so much pain in my legs and ended up peeing both on the rug and the bed in my room. She cleaned up both messes. She made sure I had something to eat and went out to purchase adult diapers for me because getting to the bathroom was hard. I was alone. E hadn't moved in yet. And so when I called her, crying, she dropped everything to come over here and help. 

-Cleaning on credit and letting me pay her later. So many times she let me do that. Taking the deal was a way to ensure I never have to do that again. 

-Cleaning the spare room again and painting it and providing the beds.

-Bringing over, giving me 2 matching awesome, pretty comfortable loveseats. 

-Just always fulfilling my asks. 

But the most important thing she has done is introduce me to O and V. They are my life now. 

Both of them, have been through a lot, just like I have and we share so many experiences of moving and surviving crap, and we're really making this a home for all of us and it's so nice to not have to divide up chores and/or worry about cleaning up after 3 people living in not-the-biggest space. 

So...she's making money off the deal. Good for her. She's like your brother. They found a smart way to make bank. And we love them in spite of that.