Wrapping Up 2023 & What's Ahead 2024

12/20/23

I thought I had so much to say about this year, but at the moment, I'm not feeling that like getting into all of it. :D 

I had a moment a little bit ago when I felt incredibly grateful for my life. I AM very grateful for it. 

I've learned so much about myself and I'm still learning -especially a lot about how I feel about children. 

Will that be my biggest regret? Not wanting children and losing the chance to be a parent with B. 

Maybe. 

Loving E, O & V is so easy.

............Continued, 12/22/23

So where are things with B right now? Well, The waiting continues. We're down to 2 years before A turns 18. I'm going to hate what they will all have to go through. Enough to let him go? Though we're so close to the next chapter of our love story. 

I don't know. 

I wish I could have a fight with him where he fights back, and after we have this fight, we've cleared the air and can keep moving forward. It pisses me off when I get mad and he just takes it. Makes himself out to be the bad guy and the only one to blame for this. I can't convince him that we're both responsible for our choices. 

I love him desperately. 

Truly, madly, deeply. 

Btw, I don't want to hear him say he doesn't want to fight back and "say something [he'll] regret" -because what does that mean? What does he think he would say that would be that bad? The worst thing he could say is that he is done with me. Done with us. 

I used to think he would never say that but now I'm not so sure. It's been a rough couple of years...probably the toughest we've been through so far. 

What do I need from him? What does he need from me? 

In the meantime, in school, Strayer - 3 quarters in a row, A's, and as of now, I've got a 4.0 GPA. And I'm back to doing Sophia courses in between. 

So 2023 was a year of academic success, continuing my relationship with B, and learning how to love and care for someone other than myself in the form of a young man I really wish was my kid. 

V has turned my world upside down. And I'm finding that fine line between caring and not putting myself in a position that will bring me sorrow down the road when he leaves and moves on to the next place. That's what you have to do sometimes: let them go. 

I'm not so great at that. 

In other news, I bought my first Christmas tree EVER. I felt like it was something fun to do for "the family." 

I've embraced coloring my hair. I am painting my nails black and loving it. I'm finding it fun to do things I did when I was younger. 

The same people inhabit my world, and overall, life is good. 

Things ahead in 2024 -

    - New health insurance through work, and I'm hoping that they will also approve and cover my breast reduction surgery, scheduled for February 9th. 

    - V will start going to school in person, Watershed High School. First day/orientation on January 15th. 

    - School will also continue for me. Sophia courses, too, to get more general credits done. 

  Well, that's it for now. 

Onward and Upward. 

I Can Live With It

B,

Here's the reality about my relationship with O1…

She isn't just my housecleaner. She is a friend and you may feel she's taking advantage of my good nature BUT if you know the amount of things I've asked her to help with, you'll understand and can let this go.

Starting from the beginning, over 4 years ago now, she has made sure the home I purchased was clean from top to bottom. 

I've never lived in a clean home before. Growing up my parent's weren't into being crazy about cleanliness. 

I think I've told you how their house always smelled of stale fried food, mustiness and dust. They never washed the drapes (and they always had to have drapes and curtains on every window), nor mop the floor or deep clean the carpets. The kitchen counters would be kept clear but not behind and under the stuff they had on them. I loved them both so much but neither was good at housekeeping.

It only got a tiny bit better when my mother discovered she liked wearing perfume again and discovered Febreze!

Then when I moved out on my own...my "smells" were better but everything else just got the basic treatment and/or was only done infrequently. 

It's when you move you realize how dirty a house can get when you don't keep up with it. The corners! Dusting. Floors. I hated doing floors. It's why I still wear slippers in the house to this day However, I don't have to if I don't want to!

Every single time I moved, the zillions of times, I've had to clean the place. If I had just maintained, it wouldn't have been bad. I did get better over the years but I still hate cleaning. 

My home is where I spend most of my time and having it clean -not having to worry about cleaning is worth a million dollars to me. Have I mentioned I HATE cleaning? :P 

The whole time I've known her, I've said that I would give up any other comforts to keep her.

When you live alone, there is only you to do everything and I think you may have forgotten since you've not lived alone in decades :P 

But it's not just about how she keeps my home clean...it's about all of the extras:

-Cleaning out the spare room so I could rent it out. Moving furniture/boxes and then giving it a deep cleaning.

-Putting up pictures and helping moving furniture

-Coming to my aid when I had a bad RA episode. I was a mess and in so much pain in my legs and ended up peeing both on the rug and the bed in my room. She cleaned up both messes. She made sure I had something to eat and went out to purchase adult diapers for me because getting to the bathroom was hard. I was alone. E hadn't moved in yet. And so when I called her, crying, she dropped everything to come over here and help. 

-Cleaning on credit and letting me pay her later. So many times she let me do that. Taking the deal was a way to ensure I never have to do that again. 

-Cleaning the spare room again and painting it and providing the beds.

-Bringing over, giving me 2 matching awesome, pretty comfortable loveseats. 

-Just always fulfilling my asks. 

But the most important thing she has done is introduce me to O and V. They are my life now. 

Both of them, have been through a lot, just like I have and we share so many experiences of moving and surviving crap, and we're really making this a home for all of us and it's so nice to not have to divide up chores and/or worry about cleaning up after 3 people living in not-the-biggest space. 

So...she's making money off the deal. Good for her. She's like your brother. They found a smart way to make bank. And we love them in spite of that. 

And just like that...Pop edition

"If you can't be good, be careful" 

Lyrics I just heard in a song. 

Pop used to say that all the time and now I'm riding a little wave of grief. 

And now I will turn toward gratitude. Always the best thing for me when I start to feel sad. 

I'm about to send out some thank you's to the D family for making V feel so welcome and accepted and showing them friendship and kindness. 

And providing some much-needed fun! 

Things continue to go well and I continue to be grateful they're a part of my life. Another family to share life with and helps keep me going on the harder days. 

I am doing my best to balance their needs with my own and we're still figuring things out. 

So..53 is on the horizon. A week from today. I still don't feel my age in a lot of ways - well in all other ways except physically. 

I'm hosting a little get-together and there should be some pool time involved.

And did I mention Heartstopper season 2 is just around the corner? August 3rd. I am working on getting the day off and I'm going to binge it all and then watch it all again...but first, re-visit season 1 (for the zillionth time) and then just lose myself in it for the day. 

Life is looking good right now. 

2 Things I'm Extremely in Love With Right Now.

 

I am in love.

Love Number 1 - Apple Smartwatch

I just got the Apple Smartwatch and my world has changed upside down.

OMG.

I no longer need to remember to get my fucking phone when I go from room to room or forget it in another!!!

That’s why it will be worth every penny.

….But I really should work up the realistic budget. The new one.

Love Number 2 - B

When I think about our history, the roller-coaster - at the end of the day, we each think the other person is all that AND a bag of chips. The way we feel about the other, is in a way that nobody else does. And we still love each other in a hot, juicy way. :P 

We still have the "can't-keep-our-hands-off-of-each-other" thing going on. 

All we ever have is here and now and it's so much better to live in peace instead of war. 

My love is so deep for this man. I'm so lucky he's mine. 

Bonus Love - I LOVE having nail polish on! Thank you V!

And now let's turn out attention back to him.

I’m thinking about B again.

Who am I kidding. I’m always thinking about him in one way or another.

Whenever something goes wrong I turn to him and he’s always there for me.

But now…I don’t know if we do have a future.

He’s seen the reality from a new perspective and it’s not pretty and maybe he’s not so sure about us anymore. Though I refuse to believe that we’ve spent as many years together as we have and there won’t be the “endgame” I’ve imagined for us.

So how do I feel about that?

Happy 1-Month Anniversary O and V

1 month ago today, my life changed for the better when they moved in. 

Yesterday was one of the toughest days I've had recently and my future with Capella is now uncertain. 

D and K just didn't feel like they could approach me directly and tell me that something I said felt inappropriate to them. 

I took it very badly and V was here to give me a hug and offer their support. Then later, when O got home from work and heard about it, was pissed about how I'm being treated and offering her support as well. 

I didn't know I needed them until I got them. 

Not being alone when going through something awful is everything. 

and on a lighter note, V is going to help me find the scammer who dares to mess with me and we're going to find some way to bust them. 

This is it for now. 

Almost 1 Month In - The O and V stories

They've been here almost a month now and today is the first time since they moved in that they are both gone at the same time and I'm home alone again. O is at work and V is out with O1 daughter and walking some dogs in a park near here. 

I'm still loving them and glad they're here. V continues to charm me. What a good kid. Now I'm wondering if I made the right choice and wonder what life would have been like had I been able to give him a child or be with him and watch A grow-up. 

I wasn't ready so...the past choices are the past choices. 

V is giving me a reason to...I don't want to say live again because that sounds so dramatic but ...yeah. My life has been going on and I've been so lonely. E was great but she wasn't a...kid that needs my love and attention. And this one needs me as much as I need them.

Thank goodness I'll be chatting with my therapist tomorrow. This whole thing happened right away and so intensely. 

But maybe it really is that my maternal instinct was there all along but I buried it.

So there is a new me coming along.