Happy 1-Month Anniversary O and V

1 month ago today, my life changed for the better when they moved in. 

Yesterday was one of the toughest days I've had recently and my future with Capella is now uncertain. 

D and K just didn't feel like they could approach me directly and tell me that something I said felt inappropriate to them. 

I took it very badly and V was here to give me a hug and offer their support. Then later, when O got home from work and heard about it, was pissed about how I'm being treated and offering her support as well. 

I didn't know I needed them until I got them. 

Not being alone when going through something awful is everything. 

and on a lighter note, V is going to help me find the scammer who dares to mess with me and we're going to find some way to bust them. 

This is it for now. 

Almost 1 Month In - The O and V stories

They've been here almost a month now and today is the first time since they moved in that they are both gone at the same time and I'm home alone again. O is at work and V is out with O1 daughter and walking some dogs in a park near here. 

I'm still loving them and glad they're here. V continues to charm me. What a good kid. Now I'm wondering if I made the right choice and wonder what life would have been like had I been able to give him a child or be with him and watch A grow-up. 

I wasn't ready so...the past choices are the past choices. 

V is giving me a reason to...I don't want to say live again because that sounds so dramatic but ...yeah. My life has been going on and I've been so lonely. E was great but she wasn't a...kid that needs my love and attention. And this one needs me as much as I need them.

Thank goodness I'll be chatting with my therapist tomorrow. This whole thing happened right away and so intensely. 

But maybe it really is that my maternal instinct was there all along but I buried it.

So there is a new me coming along.

O and V

You know, the day I found out Pop was gone, I had a conversation with him in my room and part of the conversation was me asking him to bring me someone to love. 

Well, he brought me 2 someone's. 

O just came home from taking the bus back and forth to the grocery store and brought home so many bags full of good stuff. I remember those days of taking groceries on the bus and I hated it. I don't believe she doesn't mind, but I don't her to want to have to keep working so hard and doing things like that. 

But since she feels so strongly about it, I said how about you take care of the food/feeding of all of us and asked her to feed me like she feeds V...lots of fruits and vegetables and the same portion sizes. I'm not even the slightest bit scared or nervous about giving this over to her ...my food and eating. In all fairness, I told her then that I will take care of all of the other household things. Cleaning and supplies, including toilet paper :D 

So I'm realizing that not only do I have V to love but also mom, O. I love them both so much and it's not even been a week. 

O works so hard and I want to do everything I can to take some stuff off of her plate. I want to see her relaxed and knowing she's doing an excellent job of doing everything she needs to do to take care of them. And she's not alone anymore. 

V is going to be starting school on Wednesday and I'm going to do homework when he does. That will be good for us both. 

There have been no downsides to this arrangement so far. Sure the space isn't the biggest but our schedules vary enough that everyone has time and space to themselves. 

I feel like the luckiest woman in the world right now...or

Thank you Pop. 

Gifts received in 2023...so far.

Life definitely isn't going how I expected it to. 

I wasn't sure what to do with the spare bedroom after E left. I struggled to decide if I should rent it out again immediately - to someone from craigslist again or make it into studio space and rent it out...or how it was going to work being an underground Salon. 

But as usual, my universe was being worked on by the other, bigger universe. 

I don't know if I've ever mentioned it but I've struggled to find my life's purpose for years and I finally had a feeling it just had to do with making people feel loved. 

I've been wanting to find someone who wanted and needed my love and let me love them wholeheartedly.

Someone I would put ahead of myself and...the universe brought them to me. 

V. An amazing young person. I already love this child with every fiber of my being and would die for them. 

I've got new roommates, thanks to O. 

A wonderfully sweet woman, O (:) ) and her child V, 14. 

They've only been here since Monday...5 days ago and I already love and adore them. 

I didn't really realize that what I've really been looking for is a child for me to care for. 

I had no idea. I know I love my nephews to death but it's not quite the same thing. 

Anyway, that's all I'm going post for now. 

More to come. 

Heartstopper

I wonder if there had been such a thing, back when I was watching "Friends" of watching reaction videos on YouTube? If there had been, would I have been as obsessed about a TV show like I am, now?

Heartstopper. Netflix. April 2022. Season 1. 

I've watched the series itself at least a dozen times in the last year. Actually not quite a year. It was released in April 2022 and I didn't get around to watching it until I heard "Tyler and Todd" (YouTubers) mentioned it (and just in passing) back in, May 2022.

And I've now watched it with about a dozen other people.  

It's the go-to these days when I'm feeling sad. 

Heartstopper. 

A wonderful world created by a writer named Alice Oseman. I don't think she could have imagined that some of her best work would have such a huge impact on me and how I feel about my relationship with B. 

This show, about 2 young men, becoming best friends and then falling in love with each other. 

Well now that I put it like that, of course it's affected me. I'm a sucker for a good romance.

I love everything about the show. The actors chosen for their roles and the job they're doing with it, the writing, the setting, the time. The progression of the story. The choices made. 

It may have been written for the LGBTQIA+ audience but it hits hard at that young person, wondering if the person you like likes you back and all of the nervousness and sweetness of that time of life. 

And some of the lines that hit me the hardest;

"...make him feel a little bit crap about himself." 

If I'm not going to get to be with the man I love and somehow we still continue, I'm going to keep feeling a little bit like crap...and not good enough. 

and...the other one that hits close to the heart, 

    

"It's all worth it to be with you." 

I wonder what life would be like if he had never married her but instead married me. 

That would be a story to tell! Though our story is already something worthy of a novel. 

But big, long love stories are what my family does. Mom and Pop. J and E. Me and B. 

At the end of the day, I just want him coming home to ME every night. 

Love Part III

B. The Love of My Life. 

I was just thinking about how I'd like the kind of love my parent's had. The kind of love my mom had. 

They were married for 36 years, together for...I'm going to round up to 40. 40 years to love someone and see them through so so many changes in them and your lives together. 

And I was also thinking that this is just another one of the times I was thinking how my life, how I grew up was untraditional (I think that's an understatement.) ...mother, married and divorced twice. 3rd time was the charm and she got to marry the love of her life. Moving every couple of years or so. Living overseas. So many different schools. My whole life the process of adapting to new circumstances, new life. 

And what we share is that throughout all of the changes in my own life, the love has been there, strengthening and deepening over decades. 

He's there on the sidelines, being my biggest cheerleader. It's corny as hell, but he's the wind beneath my wings. 

but yes, both also having their high high's and the low, low's. 

There's this whole thing about love language and in learning about both your own and the one of your love and how it strengthen relationships. 

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/the-5-love-languages-explained

    Words of affirmation

    Quality time

    Acts of service

    Gifts

    Touch

My love language is touch, but also a lot of interruption, constant change, sometime chaos/drama, passion, joy, excitement. :D

I need to learn more of his...pay better attention to his. Shit do I even know what his is??? I want to say words of affirmation...but ?? 

3 years for me to cross the next bridge...or go through the next door...in our relationship. Start thinking of him more, me less. His life is so very different than mine. 

It's going to be interesting. 

Love Part II

 He's my lobster. That's all there is to it.