Sally Anita Dorn R.I.P. 5/6/20

I've been telling stories and talking about her since I heard the devastating news. 

It was quick and I hope to god painless considering all that she's been through with her health. 

I now have 2 of the most important women to me, leaving this earth a little bit too soon. 

And THAT is the kind of motivation to really get me to really focus on getting my health in order. 

But I've got to find that balance between wanting to take care of myself and wanting to accept myself as I am. I wonder if this is sort of like how addicts reach their rock bottom before they admit they have a problem and need to make serious changes. 

And I'd love to ask Sally about that. She had her own battles with addiction. 

But she was love. I received so much love from her I was swimming in it when we got to spend time together. 

(I feel a poem coming on)

And she had no problem being honest with me and calling me on my shit...it always hurt but thankfully not for long ...also because there was so much more love to smother it. 

I worry about her boys, J & J. 

And I feel for them - they spent a lot of time taking care of her and "my boys" went through the exact same thing after the loss of mom.  

Loss and freedom at a terrible price.

I could write a lot more I think but I'm not going to right now. 

I'm tired. Haven't recovered the sleep I lost while in the hospital. Yeah, H. 

I really do believe all of the stress of worrying about money (not nearly enough) and my health (RA, really? Fuck.) and work (will I be hired on permanently? and when!!!) and the conflicting feelings I'm having about what to do with my relationship with the love of my life (failed and enlightening ultimatum issued and as expected, I lost) followed by the loss of Sally was just too much for my system to handle and it shut down my legs. 

And they're still not working all that well. 

I start infusion treatment on Monday. Bloody early but it means no more waiting. The M is just not working as well as I hoped and need it to. I will have to look at it as an adventure. Getting to put on clothes and bring stuff to do...hey maybe take a book and skip the tablet! It's been years since I read an actual book vs. listening to it. Though I do have that Jim Butcher one waiting for me....

Anyhoo. 

I had a moment last night where I vented about how the world sucks but...it doesn't. There are just a lot of rotten people doing rotten things in it. But I can't dwell on that as I've got to give myself as much positive reinforcement and pep talks as I can in order to not get into bed and never get out. 

OK, enough for now. The important news has been reported and documented. 

Onward and Upward.

Am I Really Ready For This?

Every once in a while, I start obsessing over my relationship. And that time has come again.

I love that man so much but I'm tired of sitting on the shelf. I'm tired of living in this constant state of "pause". I want to live life with the man I love NOW. 

And if he can't do that, then I think we need to re-evaluate and take a break. 

It makes me furious that I can't be with the man I love, not even on an occasional basis. 

It makes me mad that the man I love thinks there is only one way for this to "go down"...waiting until his daughter is 18. It's going to be awful no matter when it happens. 

and if I do throw down the ultimatum, it will either go my way or it won't. 

If it does, great. If it doesn't..my heart will break and won't be the same again. It will be full of cracks and holes.

5 years ago, I asked that when I was ready to be a step-mom, would he make that happen and he said yes. 

So now 5 years later and sure we agreed to wait until she's 18 but in hindsight that is unreasonable. I'm going to have waited 9 years for this? 

Maybe it seemed like the path to resistance to agree to that but the reality really fucking sucks. 

2022 - Barely 3 months In

I have this thing...RA. Rheumatoid Arthritis. And it sucks. 

I'm working with Reiki healer H again. And when we met last week, instead of focusing on that, we focused on my weight and health. 

Between growing up not learning how to eat healthy food/meals and living with parent's who had trauma, as well as a mother who constantly battled her own weight and body issues, I wasn't necessarily set up for success in that regard. 

So I've also gotten back in touch with A and I told her I'm ready to dive deep and dig into my baggage. 

As H has been wanting me to believe that I'm ready to be a strong, confident woman, I think between her and A, I can approach it a new way and maybe it will be effective. 

I am so split down the middle with accepting myself as I am and HATING who I see in the mirror. I don't recognize that person! 

I just had a random thought....I managed to stay just fat, not obese, up until I think my ...late 20's? and I'm wondering if my early sexual experiences contributed to it? Let me explain...I had a few sexual encounters, starting with losing my virginity at 19 to B. And then just random guys here and there. And each one of those experiences were...disappointing. And I also kept liking boys...men...who had no interest in me romantically (or the ones that were interested in me, I just didn't feel the same way, no matter how badly I wanted to in order to not be single/alone anymore) and with the bad sex and rejection, did I just let myself go because then no one would be interested and I'd be left alone and not be hurt anymore? Is that it? (Thankfully, B certainly changed all that when he came along!)

Granted, I know that I've gotten less active over the years and that certainly doesn't help but I guess I do feel like my weight is serving me...somehow, someway. 

While the people I love have concerns about my health, they all still accept and love me as I am. 

And while I appreciate that, I can't do that for myself. That old idea about treating yourself like you'd treat a dear friend just isn't working. 

And while I'm so tired of always thinking about it, my weight and health, the truth is I have to do something about it. And it starts with needing to actually really truly care. 

Because I don't care. I feel like I don't care. Because if I did, I'd have the willpower and strength to always make the better/right choices....right?? Isn't that what is needs to happen in order to do what you need to do to actually lose weight? 

Hmm. Well enough of this for now. I'll circle back after my next appointment with A. 

As 2021 Comes to a Close

So as another year comes to a close, I wanted to just take a moment to reflect on this past year and express my gratitude for some amazing people in my life.

It's been a rough year. 

It's been a tough year.

I'm not sure where to start but I guess the more challenging stuff has been what has been going on this fall. 

It started gradually - that walking was becoming more and more difficult. I bought a rollator months ago that was purchased with the intent of helping me get out of the house and since November, I've been having to use it as a wheelchair (which is not recommended by the company who made it :( but I gotta do what I gotta do to get around!)

After 2 ER visits (and one shameful need for the Fire Dept. to get me down and up my stairs) the early diagnosis is an auto-immune disorder. I've still go to give more blood for testing/labs and I have an appointment to see a Rheumatologist in 2 months. 

So in the meantime, I'm so grateful for all the help and support I've been getting from friends and family.

Starting with here at home - E has proved to be a great housemate so far. I didn't intend on her taking on caretaking duties but she's been so great about helping me...getting me water, occasionally making me food, running errands and also she's great about keeping the kitchen "under control" (loading/unloading dishwasher!) 

Taking on a tenant/roommate was definitely one of the wisest things I've done lately. Financially it is helping and she's awesome to boot!

I've got to give shout-out's to DJ R and Pop for helping me get back and forth to the ER's and home. 

And then there is the receipt of funds from both B and Santa S to help me stay afloat while I deal with the challenge of being unable to work all of my hours these past few weeks. 

And there is N, who has helped me shower and wash my hair.

And EB, doing the cooking and waiting on me on our visits. And always being willing to come to me here for our monthly dates.

And T, for making potatoes and BR for bringing the ingredients for mimosa's to the brunch E and I hosted a few weeks ago.

And my manager, MS, has been incredibly supportive and understanding. I hope I'll be able to hang on to this job. They need someone FT and we're hoping I will be worth the trouble (I think I am! :) ) in spite of the reduced hours and amount of work I've missed. 

I'm sure there are others but those are the ones at the top of the list. 

When I think about how much I have to be grateful for, it helps put the medical stuff in perspective. 

I've been able to keep my home and keep food in the fridge. Important stuff! And knowing I've got so many great people in my life is such a blessing/gift. 

So another year is around the corner and I hope it will find me getting some real answers about what is going on with my body and getting hired on permanently at my job. 

Onward and Upward. 

Blog part two aka The E Transformation Diaries

HAF

(Notes from my Notes on phone from 10/10/21)

It's going to be about my 50's and what my current life is like because the 50s are going to be very different than any of the other decades.

This is the decade that I lived with somebody again, A T (M to F) named E and we’re sharing the condo in Bloomington and I think I’m gonna be happy a lot more.

And then halfway through this decade I get to be with Brad finally… He’s going to get his fucking divorce FINALLY.

And how can I forget Noire my sweet little kitty cat;

- who isn’t allowed to go out onto the balcony until she has a harness on (she took a little trip a couple weeks ago that almost gave me a heart attack!)

And what else? Oh yeah, new job!

- I am on assignment through Robert Half working for a Capella University and I think it’s going to be an interesting job and I'm going to like it a LOT (it's the end of week 3, I've learned a ton and I've got ideas...unless they've already been thought of or exist!)

What else is this decade gonna be about - well I’m not getting into debt again but I will get control of it.

So it just occurred to me that living with Ella is going to be an adventure because I'm looking forward to us both embracing our femininity and our strength and our fortitude and our ability to survive and adapt.

We are going to get healthy together both physically and emotionally.

This adventure is also going to be about Ella‘s friends and my new friends and a new little circle of friends that I’m going to be joining for some healing and self-care time (I was so fucking thrilled that I was able to give not only clothes but good shoes to I who is about my size, who can wear them!!)

And A is back for our phone chats!

And Pop is feeling well enough to get another part-time job! He was driving a hotel shuttle but then ...fucking COVID and now he's going to be a breakfast attendant and maybe work the front desk at a hotel! Holy crap! I hope he's not going to be taking on too much with his health the way it is!!!! But go Pop! I joke that he needs to live until I get married but I want him around much longer than that!

So it's pre-E living here. I'm really hopeful that it's going to be a good experience and is exactly what I need in my life right now.

Taking care of others - need the practice for the day I get to take care of B and his little Leo A. That day will come probably faster than I think.

OK, enough for now. I've got a kitty to pay attention to (she's not allowed in my room/office while I'm working...not now at her age anyway.)

Life is GOOD and I've got so many things to be grateful for.

2021 and 1/2

 More and more time passes in between posts. I do love writing but ...

Anyway, here we are. June 2021 and I'm not in a great state of mind.

* I'm unemployed

* B and I never talk anymore

* My physical self is deteriorating

* I'm directionless about what kind of meaning my life should have

* I've been crying. And not because I'm laughing.  

☯☯☯☯☯☯☯

I think I was doing OK until mid-march when I accepted a job with Starkey Hearing Technologies. 

Everything was great with them, except for the actual job I was hired for. 

I started on 3/29 and survived going into the office for a couple of days (my manager Dan was very nice about my huffing and puffing from the short walks we took around the building) and they were totally OK with my working from home and sent me home with a laptop and monitor on the 3rd day. 

The next 3 weeks were fine...I was in training and just learning for the job. Then came the first couple of days of training on the phone and that's when it started. 

I went to celebrate the job with T, E & R.J. and got badly sunburned. And then the vertigo was back. I ended up going on medical leave and when that went on for weeks, I opted to resign since I wasn't going to be able to give them a date I'd be back to work and it was a relief. 

I had my catalytic converter stolen during this time too (car had been parked outside while I was letting Oksana park a car in my garage) and on the day I went to have a pipe put on (B's suggestion to do a pipe and not replace the CC) I was with Pop and he asked me how the job was going (forgetting I was on a medical leave) and the first thing I said that instantly came to mind was I hated it. 

I took a job doing the one thing I didn't want to do again. Work in a call-center/be on the phones for my whole shift. I had convinced myself it was fine (and I was so grateful to be offered a job) and I had convinced myself I could do it while I learned the business but I was just kidding myself. 

The whole idea of getting up every day and spending the whole day on the phone, having to be "on" and be THAT me was depressing. And as I type out that last sentence, that is what I'm trying to get away from. I'm so good at being on the phone that it feels like it's the ONLY thing I'm good at anymore and that is depressing. 

And also why I'm struggling now to find a new job. I don't feel like I'm qualified for anything else. 

I did find that the description of correspondence clerk is appealing - and to me that means finding that job that has me basically working emails, NO phones. But in what field? The only field I am currently familiar with is travel. Group travel. 

Anyway so here I am now, needing to find a new job and struggling with that. The kicker is that there are a million jobs out there thanks to the pandemic. Unfortunately a lot of them are in food/retail and understandably so...unemployment pay IS better than what they were making. I do hope companies realize that they need to pay better wages. I don't want to work again for a huge conglomerate where the CEO's make millions and the hardest/front-line workers barely make the minimum. 

I get frustrated that the companies I think I'd like to work for only have jobs I'm completely unqualified for...jobs that require a degree. 

I know I said I'd do temp work and I really think I should just go down that road already. I NEED to get back to work. 

Because with all of this time on my hands...I'm lonely and feel useless. 

Lonely because I don't talk to many people and that includes B. 

I don't know what is going on with him, with us. 

I really thought that when his wife came here to confront him (us? me?) last fall (and he stopped her from ringing my door buzzer all night and had it out with her in my parking lot) that it meant that all the sneaking around and hiding our relationship days would be coming to an end sooner rather than later. That maybe this meant the timeline could be moved up and we wouldn't have to wait until his daughter was 18 before we could really BE together. 

And it was frustrating enough not knowing what would happen next as she started talking about him moving out and buying another house in the neighborhood and attorneys but hoping that meant that the marriage would finally be coming to an end...

And then ...Valentine's Day ...when I let my insecurities and frustration bubble over and I said something hurtful to him without thinking and caused him to pull away from us and our relationship, not sure he could get over it and continue. 

But we got through it and I felt like we were back on track -at least in talking again on a regular basis and now...it's June 16 and I haven't spoken with him since June 3. And prior to that it had been a full 7-day week. 

And when I express my frustration and sadness at that, it does nothing -as in -nothing changes. 

And I don't know that if I had more going on with my life...work, meaning/purpose -that I'd be having such a hard time with it but with nothing else going on, all I can do is wallow in the loneliness of being apart from my love. 

He said it will all be worth it in the end but again, I'm in a situation where I have to survive the now in order to get to the then and I wonder if I can do it. 

I don't know why I can't just relax, secure in the knowledge that he truly loves me and we DO have a future together to look forward to. 

I just need to get a life already. 

I at least took a huge step today and not only took a shower but washed my hair. It had been over a week. 

I should also interject the good thing, the main good thing going for me right now...on June 1, I became a "mommy" again to a little fur baby I (eventually) named Noire. 

She's a very active mostly black furry kitten. Almost 8 weeks. I got her from Oksana -well her neighbor anyway -and I'd like to think that the whole "universe providing" had a little something to do with it. 

I had actually filled out an application to adopt from Animal Ark (a 4-year old cat named "Boots" was my intended) and told Oksana about that when she came to clean and that night after she left, she texted me that she knew of a kitten that needed a home. 

So here we are...2 weeks later and I'm covered in scratches from my head (well, face ) to my toes (well, calves) and it's been...an experience. 

I did FINALLY manage to clip her little claws without trouble (the key is doing while she's laying on my chest napping/dozing) and that is making it SO much easier for me to deal with her. I also hope it means I won't lose my temper on her again. 

When she's sleeping and snuggling with me is my favorite time. I needed to not be alone anymore. I needed something to love. 

I have a vet appointment next week and I'll hope all goes well and this is beginning of a long, long, LONG life together. 

Anyway, back to ...the state of my life right now...

Physically....the vertigo lingers though after some PT from Nat'l Dizzy/Balance Center is way better than it was. My knees hurt. 

I have gained about 20 lbs since the last time I was weighed...and I'm feeling it. 

And as usual, I'm torn between wanting to accept myself for who I am, what size I am and changing it. 

I know health, being in good health should be the primary goal. 

I know loving myself as I am should be the primary goal. 

I just can't get those two things to be anything more than "should be's" 

I still feel like there is some sort of key that I need to find to unlock a door I've got locked in my psyche. 

Did I mention I've got too much time on my hands these days?

And I know that there are things I can do to help with all of this. 

I've been throwing myself one hell of a pity-party the last few weeks and it's time for it to be put on pause (if not end.)

Goodbye 2020

Another year coming to a close. A what a year it's been. 

So many impacted one way or another - so much death, heartache, heartbreak and changes no one planned on or counted on. 

So many cracks in the foundations of life in this country and society exposed. 

I really do hope that 2021 will be better year - though I think we still need to keep our expectations realistic. There are a lot of things that will never be the same again. There is lots of work to still be done.

In the middle of the shit-show, I find myself still so grateful for so many things. 

I find it kind of unbelievable that I got myself to a place where I was able to leave my job and spend a few months figuring out what to do next.

I'm thankful for the many people I have in my life that love me (as I am :) ) and support me. 

I'm thankful I've had the means necessary to hire a career coach, house-cleaner...and a personal chef. 

I just now need to get serious about finding a new job and I'm going to just stop and breathe when I feel the panic rising when I worry about when will I find it and start working again. 

I'm so thankful I've got a man who loves me so much he will upend his life, his daughters life to be with me and make my dreams come true.

Night before last, I found myself thinking about how hard he works and wishing I could tell his parents, remind them, just how hard he works in the business and what a wonderful man he is.  

A million jobs within his jobs/responsibilities and he takes time to care for the people in his life How fucking lucky am I to have a man that works so hard, and works so hard to make me happy? 

Just fucking lucky. 

I thought this was going to be a much longer post...but ...nah. 

The new year is hours away and while I'm going to manage my expectations, keep them realistic, I'm also going stay optimistic and keep hoping for the best for others and myself.

So here's to 2021. Cheers. 

Onward and upward.