Did I Mention 2020 Has Been One Hell of a Year?

Another day, another week, another month of still wondering what in the hell to do with myself, my life. 

Another day, another week, another month of staying up all night and sleeping all day. 

*sigh*

I just did some casual scanning of "remote/non-profit jobs" and am left feeling how I usually am when I do that kind of search...defeated. Most jobs I'm either highly unqualified for (college degree needed for Management/Director types of jobs) or see jobs that just leave me...cold. 

And then there is also the thought...do I go to school or do some sort of training? I couldn't even finish a free course from Yale ("The Science of Well-Being") ...

I'm so ...lost.  I'm swimming in place and not going anywhere. There are too many directions to go in (I know, I know, "take the first step in faith, you don't have to see the whole staircase...") and just because I take a step doesn't mean I can't pivot and go in another direction.

It's not helping that I don't know what I want other than I want to do something I feel passionate about and help others. I don't know what I want other than to do something service-related vs. sales. 

Or do I do something like go to school (for something, for what?) and work part-time? 

Do I just find a job that keeps the mortgage paid ...work to live, not live to work? 

It feels like I'm forgetting that people who succeed, do actually work for their success. 

I also have to acknowledge, I just don't feel like working right now. It's enough work for me to get out of bed everyday and take a shower.

And on top of all of this lack of direction in my life...my relationship is in jeopardy. 

Someone sent a picture of my intercom to his roommate (and she looked me up on LinkedIn and saw my picture of me) so now I am living in fear of her coming over to confront me. 

I am thankful it is a controlled entry here but that doesn't mean she couldn't get into the building some other way. 

I have no desire to speak with her because I don't think I could stop myself from speaking the truth and that would jeopardize his relationship with his daughter. 

I love him so much...he is the best thing I have in my life -especially right now (of course that then brings up a whole 'nother issue...that I need more going for me than having him in my life) ...but I had a thought that there is a solution that not only works for him...he doesn't have to continue living his double life but I also don't have to live with the times of anger and sadness when he stands me up because he can't get away. 

I also partially think it really sucks that he IS getting to have both of what he wants...he gets to be a full-time dad AND have me. It's not fair and it makes me angry but I've been going along with it because the alternative sucks.

I also hate that I DO have to live in the shadows. How is that supposed to help when I do start legitimately start looking for work/applying for jobs (e.g. I can't use LinkedIn the way it should be used.)

I hate that I have to worry about her coming to find me. 

So do I suggest that we change our relationship and spend the next 5 years just talking on the phone but never see each other...that we can't see each other again in person until that day comes when he gets divorced? We would have to treat it like it's a long-distance relationship (it already feels like that a lot of the time.) We have tried being apart, no contact and that didn't work. We have tried being together and trying to avoid having him "caught". Maybe we need to try, being together, but apart.

Can we get to our future together if we do that? It feels like it would solve the problem in a lot of ways.

The bad news about that plan though is that when I'm physically with him, it's my happy place. Being together is everything I want in life. To not be able to hug and kiss him (and not feel his touch) would be awful.  Can we really both go another week, month, year without being able to touch and kiss each other, let alone 5 years?

I know that life isn't fair and we don't always get what we want but to think that I may need to give him up like this fucking sucks. 

I can't even think of any other ideas and I haven't talked to him since last Friday (it's Wednesday) and not being able to talk to him about this is frustrating. I know I could call him but know he has a lot going on -more than usual -since his father had the stroke and refuses to quit working. 

While I'm...waiting on talking to him, I can get back to "working on myself" ...

I am glad I'm investing in the services of a professional chef. I'm finally taking control of food in my life. It's my bitch now. 

So now just to keep working on re-connecting with my body. I found a great article and it included a letter someone wrote to themselves that I related to almost 100%;

Body Image: 5 Ways to Reconnect with Your Body

By Margarita Tartakovsky, MS
Last updated: 30 Mar 2019

~ 4 min read

Do you ever feel disconnected from your body? Like the two of you are separate entities? Or more like enemies?

In college, I used to have many moments when my body would feel foreign. My body just didn’t feel like my own, and I’d walk around in a haze. These feelings were especially palpable on the nights I’d overeat, when I felt like I was outside my body. When I knew I was ingesting tons of calories and crap but somehow, at the time, I felt so detached that I didn’t care. Now thinking about it, I was too focused on soothing the pain.

Other times, I’d tense up, feel overwhelmed and want to run — run right out of my body. I felt suffocated by what I interpreted as layers and layers of fat.

If you’ve ever felt this way or just wanted to feel more comfortable in your own skin, here are several suggestions for reconnecting with your body.

1. Do yoga. I enjoy many different kinds of exercise, but I’ve found that no other physical activity has connected me to my body like yoga. Yoga forces me to slow down, to be in the present, to treat my body gently and to truly feel my body (if that makes sense).

I also think that yoga teaches us to be kinder to our bodies – instead of viewing them as adversaries, punching bags or unworthy entities we need to mold and manipulate.

Here’s an article from Yoga Journal on how yoga can make us feel happy in our own skin, and better appreciate our bodies. My favorite part of the article is when a yoga teacher talks about our amazing feet (yes, feet!).

“My instructor would start the class talking about what an amazing structure the foot is, how it roots us to the earth. Then she would guide a self-massage of the foot and encourage us to revel in each sensation,” Starr recalls. “She asked us to be conscious of how it felt to walk down the street, where our weight hit, how it shifted, and to recognize the small miracle of walking. All of that allowed me to think of my body not as something that needed to be changed or that had to be punished but as a vessel that could carry me through anything.”

2. Notice your body. Golda Poretsky, who owns and operates Body Love Wellness, shared a great tip in her Weightless interview on loving our bodies, and I think it’s especially helpful for reconnecting with them, too.

…The next time you take a shower or put on body lotion, do it really slowly. Do it at least three times as slowly as you normally would. Pay attention to what you’re doing, the way your skin feels as you touch it, the type of pressure that you like, the way your muscles soften or contract in response, the way your skin changes color ever so slightly.  You can do this wordlessly, or just say a word or two, like “beautiful” or “love” or even hum a bit. This is going to feel so different than your usual shower or lotion application session. Notice how your body feels as you move throughout the day. Often, you’ll feel sexier, more relaxed, etc. It’s a beautiful way to instill body love right into your body.

3. Communicate with your body. Get into your body’s mind. What I mean by that is consider what your body goes through every time you start and end a diet or any time you bash it. One way to talk to your body is by writing a letter. I’m seriously in love with this letter that Sally McGraw of Already Pretty wrote to her body. An excerpt:

You have kept me safe from major illness and injury my whole life. Despite coming from a family that boasts both poor genetics and poor lifestyle choices, you have managed to preserve me from any sort of dire health situation. And despite spectacular clumsiness, you’ve bounced back from every tumble and scrape. In fact, you seem to possess an almost superhuman ability to adapt – to the point that I need to stock and rotate 3 types of deodorant lest you become immune within a matter of weeks and make me stink to high heaven. You also go to great lengths to heal. You are so determined to keep me safe that you actually produce an overabundance of scar tissue. You have kept me healthy and strong for 31 years.

And I have repaid you with indifference.

…

You have reacted with resilience to every diet and exercise regimen that has been inflicted upon you. From junk food and laziness, to South Beach and perfunctory gym visits, to Lean Cuisines and frenzied biking, you have adapted and shifted and transformed. You have slimmed down, gained muscle mass, reverted to squish, and everything in between.

And I have repaid you with revulsion.

Towards the end, she makes a promise to her body, something you might consider doing, too. She writes:

I hope to remain in conversation with you, and I hope to keep learning. And in learning, I hope to accept. And in acceptance, I hope to eventually hack out a path toward love.

4. Remember that you are whole. Remember that you aren’t your inner thighs or your less-than muscular middle. In an interview on Weightless, eating disorder survivor and advocate Kendra Sebellius talks about the connection and empowerment she felt when she stopped seeing herself as separate parts.

In treatment I was forced to look in the mirror naked – which at the time was terrifying. But the more I did it, the more I saw myself as a whole person.

I focus on seeing my body as a whole unit, versus chopping up who I am based on arms, thighs, neck, stomach, face, etc.

5. Take a breather. Stop whatever you’re doing and listen. Ask yourself: What am I feeling? Am I anxious, angry, annoyed, exhausted? Years ago, what I interpreted as a disgusting body overwhelmed by fat was really a body — and mind — overwhelmed by sad and frustrated feelings.

Also, ask yourself what your body needs right now. When you don’t listen to your body and what it requires that’s when you feel most disconnected. Attending to your body’s needs helps you reconnect to it. When you listen to your body, you acknowledge it, you give it a voice. Nourishing your body with food when it’s hungry, taking a few deep breaths because you feel your body tensing up are all ways to feel closer to your body and reconnect with it.

I do need to give my body credit for the things it does "right". I need to give it credit for all of the things it's survived and overcome (the fuckula!) I need to be grateful I have all of my limbs and that I have 2 hands with all 10 fingers. I need to be grateful I can hear music I love and the voices of people I love. I need to be grateful my eyes can see since there is so much beauty in the world. I need to be grateful I have a sense of smell that can smell my favorite incense and his cologne and good food being cooked.

I know I need to be grateful that I can stand up on two legs and get up and out of bed everyday. 

But how do I translate gratitude into action? (Maybe that will be the next question for A. I have my next phone appointment with her tomorrow.)

It always seems to come down to action. I need to figure out a way to get out of my head and actually DO stuff. 

Maybe I just need to adapt that old Nike slogan of "Just Do It"...Hmm...that's not a bad idea.

And 2020 Is One Hell of a Year

 As of 1AUG20 I am no longer employed. COVID-19 impacted business so much at work that they took away the Premium desk from MSP and sent the work to the sales desk/team in ATL. And because the only job everyone was really going to be left with was SSS/individual sales, I opted to take the voluntary separation package. 20 weeks of severance, up to 12 months of health/dental/vision insurance, 2 confirmed space passes & retiree flight benefits.

It was a tough decision because who wants to start again at 50? Who wants to deal with resumes and interviews? BUT in the end, I've been feeling like I need a change anyway. I want to find work that has more meaning. I'm not exactly sure what I mean by that but I know what it isn't and that's selling a product for corporate America. Oh sure, I loved the money and profit sharing (oh how I'm going to miss profit sharing) BUT I am now going to learn to live on less and just see what the next chapter of my working life is going to look like.

I'm taking the month of August "off" and will start looking for work seriously next month. In the meantime, my cleaning lady offered my a job, calling businesses and signing them up for her commercial cleaning services. I'd be cold-calling and my pay would be a percentage of how much she gets per contract. I'll be thinking about it...it could be a way to bring in some cash while I figure out what's next...the only reason I'm even remotely considering it is because I know her and she does a great job with her residential cleaning business.  Selling a service, yes, selling a product, no. 

In the meantime...I'm just doing little things to try and take care of myself better. I'm meeting with a personal chef tomorrow for a consult. The idea is to have the chef come once a week and make my meals for the week. I am hoping that will be a better solution to dealing with food. I've been spending way too much on food delivery and while I want to cook, I just don't have the stamina for it. 

I'm hoping the chef will have idea of how to make the foods I like healthier and homemade. 

I need to get healthier. OK, yeah, that's a broken record. I always say that, but this time I have to mean it. 

I was telling A (my therapist/who I have phone appointments with) that I've been thinking that there was some magic key I was looking for that would unlock something in my brain that would make me WANT to eat healthier/become more active (aka lose weight) but then I realized that it maybe just isn't that simple. Changes only happen because you actively just make those better choices in what you eat and you become more active even if you don't want to. 

So...I'll start with food and if the weather cooperates, I'll get myself down to the pool more often. 

On a side note - my 50th birthday party was great. S flew in from SAN!!!!!! So even though we had to keep our distance and masks were work (for most of the time) -- it was wonderful spending the day with people I love. B couldn't make it but he still made time to celebrate my birthday earlier in the week even with his dad having a stroke!!!! 

So we continue to ride the roller-coaster but I'm still, if not more, in love with him than I was before.

Well, this was brief and there is so much more to cover but I've got to get ready for my date tonight. 

 Until next time. 

Hello 49

This post is for me. Not necessarily because I haven’t posted anything in so long that no one checks anymore …but because I NEED to write. Just write, something, anything.

So…so much to report for the year and let me say it has been one hell of year so far. There have been challenges but I'm very grateful for all the things that are going right and/or are good.

1. Pop still with me/us.
2. I finally went down to FL and visited Aunt S again.
3. I will be 49 years old in 6 days.
4. I am going to be buying a condo in the foreseeable future.
5. B and I are growing closer every day, week, month, year….
6. New setons (no knots!)
7. I love my therapist, A.

☯️☯️☯️

Pop…oh Pop. He survived that fucking cancer but he’s not the same man he was. And as much as he’s been unhappy, I’m selfishly so fucking happy he’s still with me even if he's not always so happy to still be We don’t talk very often but it’s such a comfort knowing he’s there. I faced that fucking…dragon and I don’t want to face it again but I don’t think I’ll get that lucky. (Actually I'm now wondering how the fuck did I survive that???)

49.

Fuck. 49. How the hell did that happen?? 1 year left before the big 5-0. What I find surprising is that think I’m going to enjoy my 50’s. I’ll be getting married in my 50’s. I’ll be living in my own place in my 50’s. I will make a home with B in my 50’s. All things I'm really looking forward to.

Speaking of home…yeah, buying a condo. Renting just doesn't make financial sense anymore. I didn't think that condo-living was the kind of lifestyle for me but …yup it is. Low-maintenance living. I can dig that. It's the next step in my journey to full adulthood. It's where I will live until the day I get to live with B.

It's been scary and exciting and I'm all over the place with location (pun intended) but I just have to trust the process. I don't want to settle anymore than I'll have to in order to find something in my price range. What's helping is that I do have some must-haves....though they keep shifting …currently at;

-patio/deck/balcony.
-in-unit or same floor laundry.
-off-street parking.
-really really close to a bus-stop.

And I don't think those are too much to ask for/find.

But I gotta say that there is nothing like looking for a place, buying a place, for yourself, to smack you in the face with the fact that you’re not a rich bitch after all. (Oh Aunt S.)

The excitement comes from thinking about making a new home for myself for these next few years. I'm looking forward to creating an area for me to write. And I'm excited about getting some sort of dining set to use when I eat. I'm excited to get into a 1 bedroom home again and not sleep in my living room anymore.

❤️❤️❤️❤️

B. oh B. This is definitely a shared experience that is bringing us closer.

🏡🏡🏡

And now I’m starting to think about getting a car again at some point down the road. A car would allow me the freedom to go a little farther out of the city. Shit. (I did go finally get my license renewed.)

I'm hoping that I will find a place that ticks all the boxes in my price range…and when feeling physically better…get my ass back to Amsterdam. (Wonder if at some point, I could talk B into retiring there with me (ha!)…in the meantime, maybe just plan on a trip that lasts longer than a few days!!!!)

Somehow, someway I will learn to budget and deal with my finances in a grown-up manner. Saving/saving for emergency fund. Pay down/eliminate debt. Still have money to travel.

Shit, I gotta eat something. I’ll be back.

And I’m back and stuffed.

And I think 5-7 are for another post…

Onward and upward.

WTF

Remission.

What a fucking wild ride cancer is.

That's it. For now.

Summer 2018

I know it’s been awhile since I posted....again. It’s been a …interesting (to put it mildly) summer so far.

The biggest news…Pop’s lung cancer metastasized and spread to his pancreas and he’s now been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer…stage IV and it’s terminal.

So now he’s living on borrowed time and every day is truly a gift.

The crazy thing is that, really, every day is a gift for all of us because you just don’t know what will happen. (Just realizing as I type this that staying home, safe in my little apartment in the sky is even more important now...no chance of getting hit by a bus, etc. Ha!)

The difference though between assuming you have a future and knowing there is an expiration date is the difference between night and day.

So far, since the PC news…it’s been one hell of a roller-coaster ride.

There have been a couple of hospital stays when his pain has just become overwhelming and he's had to learn to give up on trying to protect the ones he loves from seeing him in pain.

There’s been a visit from J & G from England…to visit and [probably] say goodbye. (The silver lining of that visit is that we got to know each other better and I truly can call them family now and that’s a gift in itself.)

So many emotions and they’re all over the place. Anger, disbelief, sorrow, heartbreak, denial…and love…so much love. How great that I am getting a chance to tell him how much I love him and how much I’ve appreciated his being my father. Nothing can prepare you for knowing that you’ll have to say goodbye to someone before you’re ready to.

But that’s not the only big news. The other bit of big news is that while he’s living with an expiration date…he’s giving love a 2nd chance and is getting married again! This Saturday in fact!

He had very casually mentioned that he was interested in someone before but didn’t say very much because understandably I was freaking out a bit, mom has not even been gone 4 years yet.

But now that the PC is here…it changes everything. Not that I wanted him alone but…

I actually did meet her before I knew about this burgeoning relationship. The day before I left on my last trip to AMS (Utrecht) to meet C (and did I even tell you about that trip??) …when Pop was in the hospital with the pain in the abdomen that led to the diagnosis of the PC, she was there. I didn’t remember her name but when I did finally meet her, I realized it was her.

He told me that he’d been getting to know her…they’ve been getting to know each other, over the last year or so while out in service and in other social settings. He said when he woke up from the lung cancer surgery, she was there. He decided to just ask her if she would be interested in dating him with a view to getting married in the future. She said yes. Then, once the PC diagnosis came along, he backed off. Told her that it wouldn’t be fair to go forward with the relationship, knowing that there is an expiration date sooner rather than later. She wouldn’t let him. She’s willing to spend the rest of his life with him and take care of him until the end.

Fast forward 1? 2? months later…and now…a wedding!

I am truly happy for him. Really, I am. I have asked myself if I would I be still be happy if he wasn’t living on borrowed time? I’d like to think so.

*Sigh*

He’s also going to be starting this next…last…phase of his life at a new address. Now that he can no longer work, he’s moving to a cheaper apartment. And now that he will be married to a woman who is signing up for one hell of a ride …my brother will go and help out with Grandma P. She had a stroke and is herself doing poorly…worse than Pop according to J. There is even talk that J may be able to stay in the trailer she lives in. That would be a huge benefit to him …now if he could just find a job that he likes and will stick with for a long time. We’re definitely late bloomers, him and I. It took me until my 40’s to really get my shit together. I hope he’ll eventually get there himself. And I hope for his sake, his wife does get here.

My birthday came and went…with a few little celebrations but tinged with sadness because of what’s going on w/Pop. I spent time with R & K and the boys and as they were singing me HB …I started to cry a little bit realizing that after Pop is gone…while J is still around, my closest family (physically and emotionally) will be them.

E sent me a wonderful birthday card and the FB wishes were very nice and meaningful especially since I’ve culled my friends list down to mostly people who actually I want to stay in touch with.

B initially did better this year than some past…he called me that morning …but then had to bail on getting together that night because he forgot about something he promised his daughter he’d do with her…but then he came by later that night and brought me 3 really really great cards and I at least got a birthday hug and kiss from him. And then we had our date the next night.

Speaking of B…I just love that man more and more every day. The previous week, he brought me over to Minneapolis to see what he’s been dealing with and then afterward, we went and had some food. It was like how it was before we started spending our dates at my place. Being out with him, just being a normal couple made me so happy. I want it all with him…and so…6 more years until A is 18 and our lives can come together, permanently, for the rest of it of whatever time we have left.

I wrote a poem (a bad one) that summed up my feelings about him and his presence in my life right now…

Calm
In the middle of the storm,
you are my oasis of peace and tranquility.
Your love surrounds me and lifts me up when all I want to do is sink down into the gray.

And then, up, I strut and hold my head up high and bask in your adoring gaze -that also sees ME.

Emotions all over the place,
highs and lows
And there is you. Talking me down.

Thank fucking god for you.

That, of course, only if some other tragedy doesn’t happen…as in…one of us loses our lives. I have to keep reminding myself, that all we’re ever only guaranteed is the day we’re dealing with.

So here I am…truly learning to live in the moment and just get from one day to the next.

I’ve been getting great support from friends and such…but I’m also realizing…I probably do need some other kind of help…I’m holding the depression off…barely. That I get out of bed and get to work in a day is my main accomplishment. I’ve stopped giving a fuck about taking care of myself. Swimming? I’ve been once in the last couple of months (going to the pool here in my building doesn’t really count in the exercise department…) and forget about watching what I eat consistently. I am eating my emotions and trying to drown my sorrow in ice cream and pizza.

It’s like I just don’t care about myself anymore. In my more dramatic moments, I’ve said, if Pop’s not here, then I don’t want to be either.

I know I have so much to be grateful for and so much to live for so I'm not really worried I'll do something crazy but when I do have that moment of thinking about him not being here...I have to squelch it and HARD. Shove those thoughts deep into the depths of my soul.

Aunt S has been a great source of comfort and support but also honest. She really got to the heart of the matter in regards to losing Pop…it’s harder when it’s the parent you love the most. I loved mom…a part of me has been missing since she’s been gone…but losing him? It's the unthinkable.

I can’t bear the thought of him not being here. Even though we don’t talk every day, he’s …there. He’s been there…for over 40 years of my life. He’s daddy. I know I’m lucky that I’m getting time with him and we’re getting to still make some good memories and there won’t be anything unsaid or unfinished between us (except for ballets unattended :'( ) when he leaves this mortal coil.

The Only Thing We Can Count on is Change

Should vs. want.

E.g. I should write a post...so many changes! But I just don’t want to right now...the words aren’t coming to me. Maybe I should, could just give you the facts ...ma’am.

1. I got the premium job...even though my interview wasn’t great. Whew.
2. N not talking to me right now ...think job related....has to be...she didn’t get the premium job.
3. I’m going to the NL again...next weekend. To see C (again.)
4. I went back to the Y for the first time in over a month this past Wednesday. I’ve decided I’m going to go swimming for the pleasure of it. For the fun of it. Because I enjoy it.
5. I’m embracing the word “fat.” It’s not going to be a dirty word anymore.
6. I’m done hating on my body.

I’m so happy I managed to bring home a souvenir from that last trip.

And now...C.

This time around...Utrecht. C actually lives in Rotterdam but he’s going to come to the airport and meet me and we’ll take the train to Utrecht. He’ll be showing me along the way how to get back to the airport. Whew. I’m a little anxious about foreign public transportation...it’s been a while. But it’s so much cheaper. And I have to go into the office for work this week, all week and I’ll be taking the bus. I guess the timing is actually kinda perfect huh?

Didn’t expect to want to see him again but we had a nice meeting. He’s totally a SD though...well, he actually does like my size unlike SD...but he’s not B. No one is B. No one will ever be to me what B is.

I’m just going to enjoy making a new friend and see what I can learn from the experience. He’s an interesting man with some interesting points of view.

Well this is interesting

B is off on his one annual vacation. I hate this time of year. While I always understand how much he needs the break...and deserves the break, especially this year after the losses he’s suffered, how much am I jealous he's on yet another fucking cruise with THEM. I want to be the one he’s on vacation with. And I miss him so much. Not being able to just call him whenever I want. And I’m so tired sometimes of having to reconnect all over again.

*sigh*

And it’s especially frustrating this year because knowing we have a real future together, there are that many more things I want to do with him. I want to be his partner in life and be there through the good and bad times...I should be on that boat with them.

But of course, because I’m also still the me that cherishes my freedom and independence, while I’m unhappy I’m not with them, I'm also appreciating the freedom that I do get to do what I want, when I want...like hopping over to Amsterdam for a few days next month -with N and her daughters and step-daughters (including one she had a rough ”middle” with.)

(It doesn’t help I’ve ALWAYS wanted to go on a cruise ever since I saw the Love Boat. And how much do I dislike the thought that when B and I are finally really together, that I’m not going to want to go on a cruise with him because it’s what he did with HER and our relationship, our marriage, is going to be nothing like theirs.)

So speaking of the NL ...I just randomly sent a message to this man who livwe in Rotterdam (apparently it's not that far from Amsterdam) ...

This man, C, runs a website called “Curvy Shrine” and he’s a FA. He’s also put out hundreds of videos on You Tube. He’s a very attractive man, openly speaking about his love of BBW and SSBBW women. He’s a rarity amongst men. In this day and age there are still not very men willing to shout it to the world that they love a big girl. Finding a man who does is like finding a diamond in a pile of silver.

I can’t remember what I was looking for exactly when I came across his site but it was a breath of fresh air.

I haven’t watched any videos or looked at the website in a couple of years but in thinking about going to Amsterdam and knowing this guy is now on FB, I reached out to him and sent a message.

He wrote back and so we chatted for a bit. Talking with a man who you tells you that he finds you attractive is thrilling and scary all at the same time. There has really been only one man who has loved the body that I come with. B. Oh sure, there have been other men, who like ME but not necessarily the body like B does and that was a huge step in my own self-acceptance but lately I’ve really struggled to be OK in my own skin.

I had a session with Heather and we talked about something we had only talked about a little bit in previous sessions, that really, it’s time I released the weight...not lose...if you lose something, you want to find it...so yes, release the weight. I don’t need it anymore. And I found myself saying as much to this man last night in my message...

...[There is] Too much of me. There doesn't need to be that much of me ...I don't need my body to say "hey pay attention to ME" anymore - wanting to be invisible AND seen at the same time is exhausting.”

And it’s true. There is too much. It’s too much. And it is exhausting.

It’s such a fucking hard climb, lifting myself out of this deep fat pit I’ve sunk into. I’m swimming 3 x’s a week but I’m struggling with eating better. Last night..1/2 a bag, a big bag, of Cool Ranch Doritos and 2 pieces of key lime pie after a flatbread cheese pizza (that could easily serve 2 people)...I have joked that I’m eating my emotions and I actually think it’s not a joke. Emotional eating is definitely a thing...and I’m eating because I’m frustrated with how things are at a standstill in my relationship and how helpless I feel when it comes to him. We have a future but who knows when it’s going to become a reality and so I’m living in limbo land with no control over any of it.

So there is my control...I can control what goes into my body, be it bad or good things.

On the CS website, he posted an interview with a woman who had really good advice that I need to incorporate into my own journey of self-acceptance and love;

So yes, seeing yourself through the eyes of an FA is (or: would be) effective in terms of gaining self-confidence. BUT it should be complementary to building confidence, not THE way to build confidence. It should strengthen the confidence you already have, not establish the confidence in the first place.

And, this...powerful reminder...

By realizing and knowing that I am a person, first and foremost. I know that I am a loving, caring, kind person who has a lot to offer. I am also a daughter, a sister, a friend, a lover and so many more things. Nowhere in that list, do I define myself as a BBW. I’m fat. Yes. There’s no denying that. But it doesn’t defineme as a person. Just like my brown eyes don’t define me. My curly brown hair doesn’t define me. My shoe-size doesn’t define me. I choose not to define myself in those terms. I choose to define myself as a well-rounded (no pun intended) person instead. My weight definitely is part of that.

I woke up this morning all fired up after thinking about my conversation with this guy and where it led my thoughts to and so the first thing I did was send a message to that man...last night we had been chatting and then we stopped...granted it was around 5am for him with the time zone difference but the conversation just stopped abruptly after I thought it had been going well...I even thought that it was my showing my vulnerability and that I wasn’t a self-confident woman that that made him reconsider continuing his conversation with me but then I realized that probably wasn’t it and that I really don’t care what he thinks.

So this is what I sent him this morning...

....Hellllllloooooo - so good afternoon to you, good morning to me...after we chatted last night, I went and reacquainted myself with some of your videos and took a look at the some of the new content on curvy shrine. Loving the updates. You really do advocate for us BBW/SSBBW women don't you? And I bet there are hundreds (if not thousands) of plus size ladies just wishing they could find someone like you ...or just have YOU...you definitely are in the minority being a man who openly a FA. (I am sure you are aware of the power that gives you when it comes to how you interact with your fans yes? 😏) Us fat girls are such a messed up bunch...even if we do gain some confidence, it's a daily struggle to maintain it. You give us hope that not all men want a size 2. Thank you for your contributions in showing us there are some great guys out there...and thanks for the chat last night. I said some things I really need to take a deeper look at. I'm still finding out where I want to be physically...I don't need to be a size 2 but I'm not feeling like being a size 28 is doing me any favors either. I'm ready to release some of this weight because it's not serving me in a positive way anymore. It kept me safe...in some ways...but now, it's getting in the way of my being my best self. I think that really is at the heart of what you're trying to help us with...accepting and loving ourselves. That there is nothing wrong with us.

And I really meant it. This is where I’m at.