Hello 49

This post is for me. Not necessarily because I haven’t posted anything in so long that no one checks anymore …but because I NEED to write. Just write, something, anything.

So…so much to report for the year and let me say it has been one hell of year so far. There have been challenges but I'm very grateful for all the things that are going right and/or are good.

1. Pop still with me/us.
2. I finally went down to FL and visited Aunt S again.
3. I will be 49 years old in 6 days.
4. I am going to be buying a condo in the foreseeable future.
5. B and I are growing closer every day, week, month, year….
6. New setons (no knots!)
7. I love my therapist, A.

☯️☯️☯️

Pop…oh Pop. He survived that fucking cancer but he’s not the same man he was. And as much as he’s been unhappy, I’m selfishly so fucking happy he’s still with me even if he's not always so happy to still be We don’t talk very often but it’s such a comfort knowing he’s there. I faced that fucking…dragon and I don’t want to face it again but I don’t think I’ll get that lucky. (Actually I'm now wondering how the fuck did I survive that???)

49.

Fuck. 49. How the hell did that happen?? 1 year left before the big 5-0. What I find surprising is that think I’m going to enjoy my 50’s. I’ll be getting married in my 50’s. I’ll be living in my own place in my 50’s. I will make a home with B in my 50’s. All things I'm really looking forward to.

Speaking of home…yeah, buying a condo. Renting just doesn't make financial sense anymore. I didn't think that condo-living was the kind of lifestyle for me but …yup it is. Low-maintenance living. I can dig that. It's the next step in my journey to full adulthood. It's where I will live until the day I get to live with B.

It's been scary and exciting and I'm all over the place with location (pun intended) but I just have to trust the process. I don't want to settle anymore than I'll have to in order to find something in my price range. What's helping is that I do have some must-haves....though they keep shifting …currently at;

-patio/deck/balcony.
-in-unit or same floor laundry.
-off-street parking.
-really really close to a bus-stop.

And I don't think those are too much to ask for/find.

But I gotta say that there is nothing like looking for a place, buying a place, for yourself, to smack you in the face with the fact that you’re not a rich bitch after all. (Oh Aunt S.)

The excitement comes from thinking about making a new home for myself for these next few years. I'm looking forward to creating an area for me to write. And I'm excited about getting some sort of dining set to use when I eat. I'm excited to get into a 1 bedroom home again and not sleep in my living room anymore.

❤️❤️❤️❤️

B. oh B. This is definitely a shared experience that is bringing us closer.

🏡🏡🏡

And now I’m starting to think about getting a car again at some point down the road. A car would allow me the freedom to go a little farther out of the city. Shit. (I did go finally get my license renewed.)

I'm hoping that I will find a place that ticks all the boxes in my price range…and when feeling physically better…get my ass back to Amsterdam. (Wonder if at some point, I could talk B into retiring there with me (ha!)…in the meantime, maybe just plan on a trip that lasts longer than a few days!!!!)

Somehow, someway I will learn to budget and deal with my finances in a grown-up manner. Saving/saving for emergency fund. Pay down/eliminate debt. Still have money to travel.

Shit, I gotta eat something. I’ll be back.

And I’m back and stuffed.

And I think 5-7 are for another post…

Onward and upward.

WTF

Remission.

What a fucking wild ride cancer is.

That's it. For now.

Summer 2018

I know it’s been awhile since I posted....again. It’s been a …interesting (to put it mildly) summer so far.

The biggest news…Pop’s lung cancer metastasized and spread to his pancreas and he’s now been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer…stage IV and it’s terminal.

So now he’s living on borrowed time and every day is truly a gift.

The crazy thing is that, really, every day is a gift for all of us because you just don’t know what will happen. (Just realizing as I type this that staying home, safe in my little apartment in the sky is even more important now...no chance of getting hit by a bus, etc. Ha!)

The difference though between assuming you have a future and knowing there is an expiration date is the difference between night and day.

So far, since the PC news…it’s been one hell of a roller-coaster ride.

There have been a couple of hospital stays when his pain has just become overwhelming and he's had to learn to give up on trying to protect the ones he loves from seeing him in pain.

There’s been a visit from J & G from England…to visit and [probably] say goodbye. (The silver lining of that visit is that we got to know each other better and I truly can call them family now and that’s a gift in itself.)

So many emotions and they’re all over the place. Anger, disbelief, sorrow, heartbreak, denial…and love…so much love. How great that I am getting a chance to tell him how much I love him and how much I’ve appreciated his being my father. Nothing can prepare you for knowing that you’ll have to say goodbye to someone before you’re ready to.

But that’s not the only big news. The other bit of big news is that while he’s living with an expiration date…he’s giving love a 2nd chance and is getting married again! This Saturday in fact!

He had very casually mentioned that he was interested in someone before but didn’t say very much because understandably I was freaking out a bit, mom has not even been gone 4 years yet.

But now that the PC is here…it changes everything. Not that I wanted him alone but…

I actually did meet her before I knew about this burgeoning relationship. The day before I left on my last trip to AMS (Utrecht) to meet C (and did I even tell you about that trip??) …when Pop was in the hospital with the pain in the abdomen that led to the diagnosis of the PC, she was there. I didn’t remember her name but when I did finally meet her, I realized it was her.

He told me that he’d been getting to know her…they’ve been getting to know each other, over the last year or so while out in service and in other social settings. He said when he woke up from the lung cancer surgery, she was there. He decided to just ask her if she would be interested in dating him with a view to getting married in the future. She said yes. Then, once the PC diagnosis came along, he backed off. Told her that it wouldn’t be fair to go forward with the relationship, knowing that there is an expiration date sooner rather than later. She wouldn’t let him. She’s willing to spend the rest of his life with him and take care of him until the end.

Fast forward 1? 2? months later…and now…a wedding!

I am truly happy for him. Really, I am. I have asked myself if I would I be still be happy if he wasn’t living on borrowed time? I’d like to think so.

*Sigh*

He’s also going to be starting this next…last…phase of his life at a new address. Now that he can no longer work, he’s moving to a cheaper apartment. And now that he will be married to a woman who is signing up for one hell of a ride …my brother will go and help out with Grandma P. She had a stroke and is herself doing poorly…worse than Pop according to J. There is even talk that J may be able to stay in the trailer she lives in. That would be a huge benefit to him …now if he could just find a job that he likes and will stick with for a long time. We’re definitely late bloomers, him and I. It took me until my 40’s to really get my shit together. I hope he’ll eventually get there himself. And I hope for his sake, his wife does get here.

My birthday came and went…with a few little celebrations but tinged with sadness because of what’s going on w/Pop. I spent time with R & K and the boys and as they were singing me HB …I started to cry a little bit realizing that after Pop is gone…while J is still around, my closest family (physically and emotionally) will be them.

E sent me a wonderful birthday card and the FB wishes were very nice and meaningful especially since I’ve culled my friends list down to mostly people who actually I want to stay in touch with.

B initially did better this year than some past…he called me that morning …but then had to bail on getting together that night because he forgot about something he promised his daughter he’d do with her…but then he came by later that night and brought me 3 really really great cards and I at least got a birthday hug and kiss from him. And then we had our date the next night.

Speaking of B…I just love that man more and more every day. The previous week, he brought me over to Minneapolis to see what he’s been dealing with and then afterward, we went and had some food. It was like how it was before we started spending our dates at my place. Being out with him, just being a normal couple made me so happy. I want it all with him…and so…6 more years until A is 18 and our lives can come together, permanently, for the rest of it of whatever time we have left.

I wrote a poem (a bad one) that summed up my feelings about him and his presence in my life right now…

Calm
In the middle of the storm,
you are my oasis of peace and tranquility.
Your love surrounds me and lifts me up when all I want to do is sink down into the gray.

And then, up, I strut and hold my head up high and bask in your adoring gaze -that also sees ME.

Emotions all over the place,
highs and lows
And there is you. Talking me down.

Thank fucking god for you.

That, of course, only if some other tragedy doesn’t happen…as in…one of us loses our lives. I have to keep reminding myself, that all we’re ever only guaranteed is the day we’re dealing with.

So here I am…truly learning to live in the moment and just get from one day to the next.

I’ve been getting great support from friends and such…but I’m also realizing…I probably do need some other kind of help…I’m holding the depression off…barely. That I get out of bed and get to work in a day is my main accomplishment. I’ve stopped giving a fuck about taking care of myself. Swimming? I’ve been once in the last couple of months (going to the pool here in my building doesn’t really count in the exercise department…) and forget about watching what I eat consistently. I am eating my emotions and trying to drown my sorrow in ice cream and pizza.

It’s like I just don’t care about myself anymore. In my more dramatic moments, I’ve said, if Pop’s not here, then I don’t want to be either.

I know I have so much to be grateful for and so much to live for so I'm not really worried I'll do something crazy but when I do have that moment of thinking about him not being here...I have to squelch it and HARD. Shove those thoughts deep into the depths of my soul.

Aunt S has been a great source of comfort and support but also honest. She really got to the heart of the matter in regards to losing Pop…it’s harder when it’s the parent you love the most. I loved mom…a part of me has been missing since she’s been gone…but losing him? It's the unthinkable.

I can’t bear the thought of him not being here. Even though we don’t talk every day, he’s …there. He’s been there…for over 40 years of my life. He’s daddy. I know I’m lucky that I’m getting time with him and we’re getting to still make some good memories and there won’t be anything unsaid or unfinished between us (except for ballets unattended :'( ) when he leaves this mortal coil.

The Only Thing We Can Count on is Change

Should vs. want.

E.g. I should write a post...so many changes! But I just don’t want to right now...the words aren’t coming to me. Maybe I should, could just give you the facts ...ma’am.

1. I got the premium job...even though my interview wasn’t great. Whew.
2. N not talking to me right now ...think job related....has to be...she didn’t get the premium job.
3. I’m going to the NL again...next weekend. To see C (again.)
4. I went back to the Y for the first time in over a month this past Wednesday. I’ve decided I’m going to go swimming for the pleasure of it. For the fun of it. Because I enjoy it.
5. I’m embracing the word “fat.” It’s not going to be a dirty word anymore.
6. I’m done hating on my body.

I’m so happy I managed to bring home a souvenir from that last trip.

And now...C.

This time around...Utrecht. C actually lives in Rotterdam but he’s going to come to the airport and meet me and we’ll take the train to Utrecht. He’ll be showing me along the way how to get back to the airport. Whew. I’m a little anxious about foreign public transportation...it’s been a while. But it’s so much cheaper. And I have to go into the office for work this week, all week and I’ll be taking the bus. I guess the timing is actually kinda perfect huh?

Didn’t expect to want to see him again but we had a nice meeting. He’s totally a SD though...well, he actually does like my size unlike SD...but he’s not B. No one is B. No one will ever be to me what B is.

I’m just going to enjoy making a new friend and see what I can learn from the experience. He’s an interesting man with some interesting points of view.

Well this is interesting

B is off on his one annual vacation. I hate this time of year. While I always understand how much he needs the break...and deserves the break, especially this year after the losses he’s suffered, how much am I jealous he's on yet another fucking cruise with THEM. I want to be the one he’s on vacation with. And I miss him so much. Not being able to just call him whenever I want. And I’m so tired sometimes of having to reconnect all over again.

*sigh*

And it’s especially frustrating this year because knowing we have a real future together, there are that many more things I want to do with him. I want to be his partner in life and be there through the good and bad times...I should be on that boat with them.

But of course, because I’m also still the me that cherishes my freedom and independence, while I’m unhappy I’m not with them, I'm also appreciating the freedom that I do get to do what I want, when I want...like hopping over to Amsterdam for a few days next month -with N and her daughters and step-daughters (including one she had a rough ”middle” with.)

(It doesn’t help I’ve ALWAYS wanted to go on a cruise ever since I saw the Love Boat. And how much do I dislike the thought that when B and I are finally really together, that I’m not going to want to go on a cruise with him because it’s what he did with HER and our relationship, our marriage, is going to be nothing like theirs.)

So speaking of the NL ...I just randomly sent a message to this man who livwe in Rotterdam (apparently it's not that far from Amsterdam) ...

This man, C, runs a website called “Curvy Shrine” and he’s a FA. He’s also put out hundreds of videos on You Tube. He’s a very attractive man, openly speaking about his love of BBW and SSBBW women. He’s a rarity amongst men. In this day and age there are still not very men willing to shout it to the world that they love a big girl. Finding a man who does is like finding a diamond in a pile of silver.

I can’t remember what I was looking for exactly when I came across his site but it was a breath of fresh air.

I haven’t watched any videos or looked at the website in a couple of years but in thinking about going to Amsterdam and knowing this guy is now on FB, I reached out to him and sent a message.

He wrote back and so we chatted for a bit. Talking with a man who you tells you that he finds you attractive is thrilling and scary all at the same time. There has really been only one man who has loved the body that I come with. B. Oh sure, there have been other men, who like ME but not necessarily the body like B does and that was a huge step in my own self-acceptance but lately I’ve really struggled to be OK in my own skin.

I had a session with Heather and we talked about something we had only talked about a little bit in previous sessions, that really, it’s time I released the weight...not lose...if you lose something, you want to find it...so yes, release the weight. I don’t need it anymore. And I found myself saying as much to this man last night in my message...

...[There is] Too much of me. There doesn't need to be that much of me ...I don't need my body to say "hey pay attention to ME" anymore - wanting to be invisible AND seen at the same time is exhausting.”

And it’s true. There is too much. It’s too much. And it is exhausting.

It’s such a fucking hard climb, lifting myself out of this deep fat pit I’ve sunk into. I’m swimming 3 x’s a week but I’m struggling with eating better. Last night..1/2 a bag, a big bag, of Cool Ranch Doritos and 2 pieces of key lime pie after a flatbread cheese pizza (that could easily serve 2 people)...I have joked that I’m eating my emotions and I actually think it’s not a joke. Emotional eating is definitely a thing...and I’m eating because I’m frustrated with how things are at a standstill in my relationship and how helpless I feel when it comes to him. We have a future but who knows when it’s going to become a reality and so I’m living in limbo land with no control over any of it.

So there is my control...I can control what goes into my body, be it bad or good things.

On the CS website, he posted an interview with a woman who had really good advice that I need to incorporate into my own journey of self-acceptance and love;

So yes, seeing yourself through the eyes of an FA is (or: would be) effective in terms of gaining self-confidence. BUT it should be complementary to building confidence, not THE way to build confidence. It should strengthen the confidence you already have, not establish the confidence in the first place.

And, this...powerful reminder...

By realizing and knowing that I am a person, first and foremost. I know that I am a loving, caring, kind person who has a lot to offer. I am also a daughter, a sister, a friend, a lover and so many more things. Nowhere in that list, do I define myself as a BBW. I’m fat. Yes. There’s no denying that. But it doesn’t defineme as a person. Just like my brown eyes don’t define me. My curly brown hair doesn’t define me. My shoe-size doesn’t define me. I choose not to define myself in those terms. I choose to define myself as a well-rounded (no pun intended) person instead. My weight definitely is part of that.

I woke up this morning all fired up after thinking about my conversation with this guy and where it led my thoughts to and so the first thing I did was send a message to that man...last night we had been chatting and then we stopped...granted it was around 5am for him with the time zone difference but the conversation just stopped abruptly after I thought it had been going well...I even thought that it was my showing my vulnerability and that I wasn’t a self-confident woman that that made him reconsider continuing his conversation with me but then I realized that probably wasn’t it and that I really don’t care what he thinks.

So this is what I sent him this morning...

....Hellllllloooooo - so good afternoon to you, good morning to me...after we chatted last night, I went and reacquainted myself with some of your videos and took a look at the some of the new content on curvy shrine. Loving the updates. You really do advocate for us BBW/SSBBW women don't you? And I bet there are hundreds (if not thousands) of plus size ladies just wishing they could find someone like you ...or just have YOU...you definitely are in the minority being a man who openly a FA. (I am sure you are aware of the power that gives you when it comes to how you interact with your fans yes? 😏) Us fat girls are such a messed up bunch...even if we do gain some confidence, it's a daily struggle to maintain it. You give us hope that not all men want a size 2. Thank you for your contributions in showing us there are some great guys out there...and thanks for the chat last night. I said some things I really need to take a deeper look at. I'm still finding out where I want to be physically...I don't need to be a size 2 but I'm not feeling like being a size 28 is doing me any favors either. I'm ready to release some of this weight because it's not serving me in a positive way anymore. It kept me safe...in some ways...but now, it's getting in the way of my being my best self. I think that really is at the heart of what you're trying to help us with...accepting and loving ourselves. That there is nothing wrong with us.

And I really meant it. This is where I’m at.

Child Free

Soon ...1 year since I lost the ability to bear a child.

I'm thinking about it now because I just got home from spending some time with R, K and the boys. At their ages, 4 and 18 months, so much time and energy has to be spent on keeping them fed and clean...from their cute little bottoms to tiny little teeth.

And in between those moments are glimpses of their little forming personalities.

Choosing to be a parent really truly is huge responsibility (and do I feel like I dodged a bullet?)

So many of the people I love the most are parents. And I am in awe. And I have so much to learn so that I can continue to be a part of their lives...and be more prepared for the new child that will eventually be a part of my life.

And how appropriate that the song in the background is Tracey Thorn to remind you that you are more than a parent too.

Nowhere Near

Dog days of summer
Heat haze and bad temper
And whole days of shouting
"Would you listen to me?"

See, I'm the one in charge now
What happened to me?
I turned into someone's mother

Really someone should give me a uniform
Or someone should show me where is the door
Or someone should come around and explain
How it is that love forgets to speak its name

And then you turn on the news
And it's somebody else's news
And it's always such bad news
And I'm no good with sad news anymore
Gets me running upstairs
To count heads in tangled beds

And someone tears up that uniform
And somewhere gently closes a door
And I'm right here once more
Crying, confessing, counting my blessings

Don't let go
Cause we'll never know
That even when the sky is clear
And the moon looks really close
Well it's nowhere near

Another “Keeper”

Mind. fucking. blown. I'm going through a box of cards and came across these. I got these cards from my mother (OK I took them without telling her) YEARS ago and as I look closer, I realize that I was actually THERE -out of all of the places I could have stayed when I went, I was not only at the coolest hotel, Le Chat Noir (which I'm obsessed with) but I was around the corner from THIS Boulangerie AND it was the only one I went to where I got that delicious apple tartine (?)....that of course was the trip I took on the 1st Anniversary of her passing. I really am beginning to believe that there are unseen forces at work in the world.  @ Hôtel Le Chat Noir

And until I can figure out to put pictures in my post again...

https://photos.app.goo.gl/hNSc1Bh1gE9JvYt83