Well this is interesting

B is off on his one annual vacation. I hate this time of year. While I always understand how much he needs the break...and deserves the break, especially this year after the losses he’s suffered, how much am I jealous he's on yet another fucking cruise with THEM. I want to be the one he’s on vacation with. And I miss him so much. Not being able to just call him whenever I want. And I’m so tired sometimes of having to reconnect all over again.

*sigh*

And it’s especially frustrating this year because knowing we have a real future together, there are that many more things I want to do with him. I want to be his partner in life and be there through the good and bad times...I should be on that boat with them.

But of course, because I’m also still the me that cherishes my freedom and independence, while I’m unhappy I’m not with them, I'm also appreciating the freedom that I do get to do what I want, when I want...like hopping over to Amsterdam for a few days next month -with N and her daughters and step-daughters (including one she had a rough ”middle” with.)

(It doesn’t help I’ve ALWAYS wanted to go on a cruise ever since I saw the Love Boat. And how much do I dislike the thought that when B and I are finally really together, that I’m not going to want to go on a cruise with him because it’s what he did with HER and our relationship, our marriage, is going to be nothing like theirs.)

So speaking of the NL ...I just randomly sent a message to this man who livwe in Rotterdam (apparently it's not that far from Amsterdam) ...

This man, C, runs a website called “Curvy Shrine” and he’s a FA. He’s also put out hundreds of videos on You Tube. He’s a very attractive man, openly speaking about his love of BBW and SSBBW women. He’s a rarity amongst men. In this day and age there are still not very men willing to shout it to the world that they love a big girl. Finding a man who does is like finding a diamond in a pile of silver.

I can’t remember what I was looking for exactly when I came across his site but it was a breath of fresh air.

I haven’t watched any videos or looked at the website in a couple of years but in thinking about going to Amsterdam and knowing this guy is now on FB, I reached out to him and sent a message.

He wrote back and so we chatted for a bit. Talking with a man who you tells you that he finds you attractive is thrilling and scary all at the same time. There has really been only one man who has loved the body that I come with. B. Oh sure, there have been other men, who like ME but not necessarily the body like B does and that was a huge step in my own self-acceptance but lately I’ve really struggled to be OK in my own skin.

I had a session with Heather and we talked about something we had only talked about a little bit in previous sessions, that really, it’s time I released the weight...not lose...if you lose something, you want to find it...so yes, release the weight. I don’t need it anymore. And I found myself saying as much to this man last night in my message...

...[There is] Too much of me. There doesn't need to be that much of me ...I don't need my body to say "hey pay attention to ME" anymore - wanting to be invisible AND seen at the same time is exhausting.”

And it’s true. There is too much. It’s too much. And it is exhausting.

It’s such a fucking hard climb, lifting myself out of this deep fat pit I’ve sunk into. I’m swimming 3 x’s a week but I’m struggling with eating better. Last night..1/2 a bag, a big bag, of Cool Ranch Doritos and 2 pieces of key lime pie after a flatbread cheese pizza (that could easily serve 2 people)...I have joked that I’m eating my emotions and I actually think it’s not a joke. Emotional eating is definitely a thing...and I’m eating because I’m frustrated with how things are at a standstill in my relationship and how helpless I feel when it comes to him. We have a future but who knows when it’s going to become a reality and so I’m living in limbo land with no control over any of it.

So there is my control...I can control what goes into my body, be it bad or good things.

On the CS website, he posted an interview with a woman who had really good advice that I need to incorporate into my own journey of self-acceptance and love;

So yes, seeing yourself through the eyes of an FA is (or: would be) effective in terms of gaining self-confidence. BUT it should be complementary to building confidence, not THE way to build confidence. It should strengthen the confidence you already have, not establish the confidence in the first place.

And, this...powerful reminder...

By realizing and knowing that I am a person, first and foremost. I know that I am a loving, caring, kind person who has a lot to offer. I am also a daughter, a sister, a friend, a lover and so many more things. Nowhere in that list, do I define myself as a BBW. I’m fat. Yes. There’s no denying that. But it doesn’t defineme as a person. Just like my brown eyes don’t define me. My curly brown hair doesn’t define me. My shoe-size doesn’t define me. I choose not to define myself in those terms. I choose to define myself as a well-rounded (no pun intended) person instead. My weight definitely is part of that.

I woke up this morning all fired up after thinking about my conversation with this guy and where it led my thoughts to and so the first thing I did was send a message to that man...last night we had been chatting and then we stopped...granted it was around 5am for him with the time zone difference but the conversation just stopped abruptly after I thought it had been going well...I even thought that it was my showing my vulnerability and that I wasn’t a self-confident woman that that made him reconsider continuing his conversation with me but then I realized that probably wasn’t it and that I really don’t care what he thinks.

So this is what I sent him this morning...

....Hellllllloooooo - so good afternoon to you, good morning to me...after we chatted last night, I went and reacquainted myself with some of your videos and took a look at the some of the new content on curvy shrine. Loving the updates. You really do advocate for us BBW/SSBBW women don't you? And I bet there are hundreds (if not thousands) of plus size ladies just wishing they could find someone like you ...or just have YOU...you definitely are in the minority being a man who openly a FA. (I am sure you are aware of the power that gives you when it comes to how you interact with your fans yes? 😏) Us fat girls are such a messed up bunch...even if we do gain some confidence, it's a daily struggle to maintain it. You give us hope that not all men want a size 2. Thank you for your contributions in showing us there are some great guys out there...and thanks for the chat last night. I said some things I really need to take a deeper look at. I'm still finding out where I want to be physically...I don't need to be a size 2 but I'm not feeling like being a size 28 is doing me any favors either. I'm ready to release some of this weight because it's not serving me in a positive way anymore. It kept me safe...in some ways...but now, it's getting in the way of my being my best self. I think that really is at the heart of what you're trying to help us with...accepting and loving ourselves. That there is nothing wrong with us.

And I really meant it. This is where I’m at.

Child Free

Soon ...1 year since I lost the ability to bear a child.

I'm thinking about it now because I just got home from spending some time with R, K and the boys. At their ages, 4 and 18 months, so much time and energy has to be spent on keeping them fed and clean...from their cute little bottoms to tiny little teeth.

And in between those moments are glimpses of their little forming personalities.

Choosing to be a parent really truly is huge responsibility (and do I feel like I dodged a bullet?)

So many of the people I love the most are parents. And I am in awe. And I have so much to learn so that I can continue to be a part of their lives...and be more prepared for the new child that will eventually be a part of my life.

And how appropriate that the song in the background is Tracey Thorn to remind you that you are more than a parent too.

Nowhere Near

Dog days of summer
Heat haze and bad temper
And whole days of shouting
"Would you listen to me?"

See, I'm the one in charge now
What happened to me?
I turned into someone's mother

Really someone should give me a uniform
Or someone should show me where is the door
Or someone should come around and explain
How it is that love forgets to speak its name

And then you turn on the news
And it's somebody else's news
And it's always such bad news
And I'm no good with sad news anymore
Gets me running upstairs
To count heads in tangled beds

And someone tears up that uniform
And somewhere gently closes a door
And I'm right here once more
Crying, confessing, counting my blessings

Don't let go
Cause we'll never know
That even when the sky is clear
And the moon looks really close
Well it's nowhere near

Another “Keeper”

Mind. fucking. blown. I'm going through a box of cards and came across these. I got these cards from my mother (OK I took them without telling her) YEARS ago and as I look closer, I realize that I was actually THERE -out of all of the places I could have stayed when I went, I was not only at the coolest hotel, Le Chat Noir (which I'm obsessed with) but I was around the corner from THIS Boulangerie AND it was the only one I went to where I got that delicious apple tartine (?)....that of course was the trip I took on the 1st Anniversary of her passing. I really am beginning to believe that there are unseen forces at work in the world.  @ Hôtel Le Chat Noir

And until I can figure out to put pictures in my post again...

https://photos.app.goo.gl/hNSc1Bh1gE9JvYt83

Star Wars - The Last Jedi

Only proceed if you A. Have seen the movie or B. Haven't but will live if something ends up seeming like a spoiler.

"The Last Jedi is about this tension, about the ways that generations uneasily give way to other generations and the ways we all learn to accept that our parents (or parental figures) sometimes have the right answers and sometimes don’t. It’s a big, bold, complex film, full of contradictory notes, a little like Empire was. I suspect, in time, it will age just as satisfactorily, but it’s also possible I’m wrong. Loving it means letting go, just a little bit, of some rosy past and embracing a future that might lead to disappointment. 

The people we were aren’t always the people we become, and that’s both a necessary lesson and a bitter disappointment, but you can’t become yourself without learning to live alongside that discomfort. And now there’s a Star Wars movie about that very dilemma, right when we all might need it most."

☯️☯️☯️☯️☯️❤️❤️❤️❣️❤️❤️❤️☯️☯️☯️☯️☯️❤️❤️❤️❣️❤️❤️❤️☯️☯️☯️☯️

And Now Here We Are - Part II

Finally got around to reading this weeks Free Will Astrology and this was fucking spot on!

(Must save and this is my favorite place to share this kind of thing :D)

Free Will Astrology

January 10, 2018

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): If I were your mentor or your guide, I'd declare
this the Leo Makeover Season. First I'd hire a masseuse or masseur to
knead you firmly and tenderly. I'd send you to the nutritionist, stylist,
dream interpreter, trainer, and life coach. I'd brainstorm with the people
who know you best to come up with suggestions for how to help free you
from your illusions and infuse your daily rhythm with twenty percent more
happiness. I'd try to talk you out of continuing your association with
anyone or anything that's no damn good for you. In conclusion, I'd be
thorough as I worked to get you unlocked, debugged, and retooled.

And I need to see H again and/or maybe look into getting a Reiki massage instead and set up a hair appointment and...and...and.

And Now Here We Are

I think it’s about time I got back to posting here on a regular basis...sporadic posting isn’t doing any of us any good...OK, that was a bit dramatic but I was dying to use the word sporadic! Anyway, where was I.

Yes. Post more. It’s a new year and my life needs to keep moving forward. I took a couple weeks off of swimming to deal with the cold I picked up over Christmas...that I think I’m finally over and I’m looking forward to getting back on the life track.

So I will come here to keep writing out for myself (and anyone else who still reads this) the various random thoughts I want to put down for clarity and posterity. :D

The reason I’m here now? Sometimes I dazzle myself with my brilliance. Kidding. Very occasionally I write something myself that I think is pretty damn good.

One of my farm friends, D, told me today that she doesn’t have cancer but still is going to be suffering with her own chronic medical condition and my first reaction was to give her advice. So here it is in it’s brilliance, minus her full first name,...

Aww I'm so glad to hear not cancer but still sucks. You've already been learning a new way to live and now that you actually know what’s what you really can do this. Here is my hopefully helpful advice... whether you want it or not LOL ♥️...the first thing I recommend you do (this coming from a person who lives with a chronic medical condition) is accept that you now are a person with a chronic medical condition (if you've already done this, great! You're ahead of the game.) Yes our things are very different but we share that life as we once knew it is changed and prepare yourself for the way your body will be failing you. Learn to be kind and patient with yourself as you go. Find a support group that has people (women only is great) going through the same thing. I know there has got to be a support group for you out there...start with FB!! (Wish I’d started there! I found a closed private group on FB for mine and it’s been such a help in so many ways) and read any tips and advice they offer and participate. Use them, learn what you can (but yet take everything with a grain of salt) and really talk and check in with the medical professionals you’ll be spending time with ....and then know it’s OK to take a break from your support group because there will come a time you remember who YOU were before everything turned to shit. There will also come a time you need to get angry and fight back against what you can. The sooner the better. Live your life. Farm!! We're here for you and understand (mmm hello remember why we chose Survivors as our co op name??? 😏) Know that you are not going to BE your medical problems and limitations. Get up when you can and get through a day by getting from one moment to the next. Ask for help. Let people help you. You can do this and you’re not alone, D, are not alone. ♥️

I’ve also given myself permission, right now, to be OK with only posting something short but sweet.

Later.

2018 is almost here...

As the end of 2017 nears, I just had to reflect on how this past year has been. I’ve got so much to be thankful for that I almost can’t stand it.

In no particular order...

1. Love
2. Health
3. Friends
4. Family
5. Work

Well...OK so maybe there is some order....

Love. I’m more in love with B every day, every week, every month and every year. I finally found THE date when it became clear that we just couldn’t stay away from each other. 9/25/2003. We have so much history and I couldn’t remember the exact date when he called me after getting the postcard telling him how to find me and life as I knew it would never be the same.

As I previously mentioned, there is a real future for us and that we started the conversation about it makes what feels like a dream feel more real. I want it so much and I’m overjoyed and giddy and a little bit scared all at the same time. That little bit of fear isn’t going to keep me from my new mantra though...that the future is so bright, I gotta wear shades.

As of right now, I’m wearing his promise of our future together on my right hand and it fills my heart with so much joy and happiness to think about what's ahead for us. I will acknowledge again that it won’t be easy getting there for either of us but we’re both ALL in.

Health. I’m not only taking it more seriously and doing something about it for myself but because now I have that future with B and his daughter to look forward to. I do want to grow old with him. (And yes of course I want to watch my nephew's grow up R!) I used to not think about it...or care about it very much...just getting from one day to the next...surviving as I’ve had to do all of my life in one way or another ...and the future was something only thought about in a very abstract way. Having the problems with my ass haven’t helped. It’s been a challenge making plans for the future because I didn’t know if I would be able to handle it. I still have the fuckula and Wilbur but things are calm right now and while I will see what happens next and what my surgeon recommends, I can handle it. Working with H, my Reiki healer, has been amazing. Yes, amazing. Peeling back layers of things I’ve been hanging on to emotionally and letting them go and realizing that I’m not my medical problems has made a huge difference in my life. Also, learning to let go of whatever it is that is sabotaging my attempts to take better care of myself (lose weight) because it’s no longer serving me. Even right now as I type this...I’m having that “a-ha!” moment...being this size, this weight hasn’t prevented me from getting hurt, feeling sad, feeling depressed and having bad shit happen to me. It’s done nothing but become my excuse to hide out from the world.

So...the changes have begun. I’m actually going over to the Y and I find that I really do enjoy the swimming for exercise. When I’m in the pool, I feel no pain. Besides the obvious benefits of just feeling better overall, when I think about all of the many good reasons to get healthier...taking trips with friends and family and not having to stop and rest every block and being able to keep up with my nephews ...I want it and I want it bad. I can still be ME even if there is less of me. I can still make a statement with my personality and who I am and who I am doesn’t have to be the fat person I am today. Yes, fat. I’m OK with curvy, plump, full-figured...but I don’t want to carry all of this weight anymore. It’s heavy and exhausting.

So my new life is that going swimming after work is just what I do. The food/eating part of this equation is a work in progress but I’ll get there. “It took a long time to gain this weight, it will take a long time to lose it again” but instead of focusing on that I just have to just take it one day a time and keep getting back on the horse when I fall off. I will admit though that I do have the dream of one day stepping out of the pool and all of a sudden pounds have just melted all away.

I’m not going to let fear of success derail me either. In the past, if I’ve lost weight and someone has noticed/commented, it freaked me out...like uh-oh, I’m losing my shield, I better put it back up!!!!

I’ve also quit smoking again. Well, smoking at home anyway...I went to visit S in San Diego weekend before last and I allowed myself to have them there but I didn’t smoke as much as I normally have in the past (I think I mentioned it was the same when I visited S in November yes?) and it really helps that it’s winter-time and there is no place outside with super easy access like at my last apartment to go. Mentally, I still need to work on this. For the time being, since it’s not easy to do (and they’re not easy to get) and as long as I don’t think about it, I can do it. So moving on...

Friends. I’m so lucky to have the friends I do. Their support and encouragement is priceless. It’s such a gift to have people in your life that you can be yourself with.

Family. There has been some problems between Pop and J but I’d like to think they’ll get past them. And I’m reserving true judgment of his wife until I meet her...if I ever do.

Work. How incredibly lucky am I to be working the job I love, from home..especially on these cold winter days. If I want to continue doing the job I’m doing, I will have to interview for it at some point but I’ll cross that bridge once I get to it. Today I did have the random thought about what it might be like to go back to working in the office but it quickly went as fast as it came.

I’m actually a little overwhelmed with how good my life is right now. I used to think I was stuck in place but I don’t feel that way anymore. I’m feeling hopeful and just taking the baby steps to keep moving forward. I still have work to do on getting out there and and putting myself back out there into the world and participate in life but I’m on the right track.

And also next...finding ways to give back to others.