A year ago I was numb. Losing mom.
This year? Lately feeling so thankful and grateful for so many things in my life.
Spending time with friends really always does me good. And I need to get back to pouring myself into this blog instead of with the people calling in. Well, I'll know what I mean.
And you know what? I think that's all I'll say for now. Paris ...well I'll tell you about that some other time.
Thursday, November 26, 2015
Saturday, October 31, 2015
No, you're not imaging this.
Hi. I bet you thought I'd never come back here again.
I had a thought today that the reason I haven't written in a long time was because I didn't want to write because that would make me think of my mother and how now I have to carry on the writing ...thing.
It also just could be since I haven't been able to sit on my ass at a desk comfortably in FOREVER. But like duh! I've been doing it for work so...
So...the 1 year anniversary of her passing is approaching and I've been thinking about how I want to spend that time. Pop and Jason have no desire for us to get together as a family and ...whatever.
So I'm trying to decide if the universe is trying to tell me, I should, because there are so many ...signs that say I should...it would support me in my endeavor to go on this journey -
1. I have a way to pay for a night at a hotel (I love having a way to pay for a hotel.)
2. I have 1 1 Great Team travel pass available and there are seats still available for the dates that I want/need.
3. The timing is ...right
4. It's a payday -but not the one I need to set aside for December rent
5. We have a non-stop flight from MSP
Fucking A. Why am I even debating???
Oh yeah...my ass. This only works if I get the upgrade to BC.
So...I asked RJ if he wanted to go with me. I've not heard anything back yet but I just sprung this on him today.
Why him? He knows what it's like to lose your mother and has a passport.
I did ask EB ...oh yeah, did I tell you I've reconnected with him? And it's amazing. We just picked up right where we left off but yet we're having to get to know each other all over again.
(It's feeling really really really good to type/write. *sigh* )
And and and I'm now working at home. I never thought the day would come after I finally decided to go for it.
And it's good (or maybe it's just good having a desk/computer/chair set up lol.)
(And yeah, I'm happy.)
I had a thought today that the reason I haven't written in a long time was because I didn't want to write because that would make me think of my mother and how now I have to carry on the writing ...thing.
It also just could be since I haven't been able to sit on my ass at a desk comfortably in FOREVER. But like duh! I've been doing it for work so...
So...the 1 year anniversary of her passing is approaching and I've been thinking about how I want to spend that time. Pop and Jason have no desire for us to get together as a family and ...whatever.
So I'm trying to decide if the universe is trying to tell me, I should, because there are so many ...signs that say I should...it would support me in my endeavor to go on this journey -
1. I have a way to pay for a night at a hotel (I love having a way to pay for a hotel.)
2. I have 1 1 Great Team travel pass available and there are seats still available for the dates that I want/need.
3. The timing is ...right
4. It's a payday -but not the one I need to set aside for December rent
5. We have a non-stop flight from MSP
Fucking A. Why am I even debating???
Oh yeah...my ass. This only works if I get the upgrade to BC.
So...I asked RJ if he wanted to go with me. I've not heard anything back yet but I just sprung this on him today.
Why him? He knows what it's like to lose your mother and has a passport.
I did ask EB ...oh yeah, did I tell you I've reconnected with him? And it's amazing. We just picked up right where we left off but yet we're having to get to know each other all over again.
(It's feeling really really really good to type/write. *sigh* )
And and and I'm now working at home. I never thought the day would come after I finally decided to go for it.
And it's good (or maybe it's just good having a desk/computer/chair set up lol.)
(And yeah, I'm happy.)
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Not quite yet...
I know I haven't posted anything for months but it was the worst fall of my life.
The biggest blow being the loss of my mother.
But nope, not ready to write about that yet.
Soon. I think.
The biggest blow being the loss of my mother.
But nope, not ready to write about that yet.
Soon. I think.
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Randomness. Synchronicity. Coincidence. Fate.
So how did you like that? Have to be willing to acknowledge that you were an adult before getting here?
I don't think I'll keep it.
(11/26/2015 I have no idea wtf I was talking about above.)
Anyway. Sunday...day whatever of recovery from the surgery.
The surgery has turned into quite the life changing experience.
And while I'm sitting around doing...nothing, I'm worrying about my friends who have such full fucking plates and are barely hanging on. How do they do it?
"If you want something done, give it to a busy person"
"Busier than a one-armed wallpaper hanger"
I have visions of learning how to mow lawns and do small repairs and maintenance. If I learn how to do those things, I could contribute something of value. As I get my shit together, financially and otherwise...I want to be someone that is counted on.
And I want to become more comfortable with children....of all ages so I can share those parts of life with my friends...all of them....
But yet not let die...the part of my life that is single and childless.
Physically I'm on...pause (?), but mentally?? Whoa!
And typing this is not very fun because I can't get comfortable enough to type without a lot of discomfort that's not doing me or my butt or my back any good.
I don't think I'll keep it.
(11/26/2015 I have no idea wtf I was talking about above.)
Anyway. Sunday...day whatever of recovery from the surgery.
The surgery has turned into quite the life changing experience.
And while I'm sitting around doing...nothing, I'm worrying about my friends who have such full fucking plates and are barely hanging on. How do they do it?
"If you want something done, give it to a busy person"
"Busier than a one-armed wallpaper hanger"
I have visions of learning how to mow lawns and do small repairs and maintenance. If I learn how to do those things, I could contribute something of value. As I get my shit together, financially and otherwise...I want to be someone that is counted on.
And I want to become more comfortable with children....of all ages so I can share those parts of life with my friends...all of them....
But yet not let die...the part of my life that is single and childless.
Physically I'm on...pause (?), but mentally?? Whoa!
And typing this is not very fun because I can't get comfortable enough to type without a lot of discomfort that's not doing me or my butt or my back any good.
Saturday, August 30, 2014
so THAT happened (and it might be TMI but I have to document this experiece.)
Had a fucking awesome birthday (even though B fucked up this year.)
Then it all went to shit.
Day after birthday - Saturday...it started to be really uncomfortable when sitting down.
Sunday...getting worse.
Monday - B took me to Dr...[external] yeast infection? On my butt? WTF? OK, Yay...NOT. Then he took me to the pharmacy (Fine, I'll take the damn pill and use the creams) and back home. (Made up for not having anything waiting for me from B when I got home on my birthday??? Mostly.)
Tuesday - still fucking miserable and then more fun started...I couldn't goddamn pee without...straining is the best word I have for it.
Wednesday - back to Dr. office. J took me (best big brother ever, again.) and hello red ass. Different Dr. (Not resident, real Dr.) says...whoa! Fever over a 102 and area really hard and red. She sent me to hospital.
Hospital
Nurses ...PCA's ...most are angels. The experience is ...humbling. I had to set aside pride BIG time. The word dignity was thought of a lot during this whole hospital experience.
...later that night...Ultrasound. Yes, pretty sure...abscess.
Thursday - Surgery. On my ass. Surreal experience...being "put under" and then waking up and going...WTF? Hole (aka the Wound) in ass deep enough to hold a golf ball (was told that by one of the nurses.)
(Um, Thursday or Friday, I'm sorry I can't remember!) R, K & E came for visit. That was totally awesome. I love them so much!!!
Saturday - Sent home even though still couldn't pee.
Sunday - N (another angel and I'll talk more about her later) came over and changed the bandage for me!)
and later that night...one too many times straining to pee...EXPLOSION of discharge (blood and infection (it has a form?)) ...back to ER (thanks again J!) and again a fever. They got me on a bed to wait on pretty quick after seeing how much I was leaking!) and then oh that fun ER visit ...
This was a whole 'nother experience.
So now...another 3 days of IV's ...but this time around heavy doses of antibiotics, blood pressure checks, bandage changes ...again with a bunch of angels (nurses and PCA's). Another 3 days of asking relative strangers to help me wipe after using the toilet and help me shower. But oh those massages. Her name was Missy. And I got a 45 minute massage 3 days in a row!!!! I truly believe that contributed greatly to the healing that was finally starting.
No visitors this time around. But that was mostly for the best because even though I managed 2 showers, I was feeling ...gross.
Wednesday - home again. Home sweet home. This time around...just keeping wound "bandaged" ....hello surgical pants and Depends!
and it's now like 3 1/2 weeks later and I went to work yesterday (Friday) for the first time in 5 weeks. It was only a 1/2 day but it was enough.
Thankfully Monday is Labor Day and that means a paid day off and slightly shorter work week.
And now, here I am, with a long weekend where I will continue to take it easy and take painkillers and some more antibiotics.
Do I want to talk about the fact that I've only seen B once during this whole ordeal? Do I want to talk about the fact that 4 1/2 of those weeks were unpaid and now I'm fucked financially again? Do I want to talk about how bored I've been being stuck at home, missing out on pedicures, hair appointments, wedding showers and a date with R, K & E? Do I want to talk about how dirty my apartment has gotten?
Not really.
Instead, I'll just have to express so much gratitude for the love, friendship and support I was shown by family, bosses and co-workers and friends.
Especially N. She's been so fucking awesome. Changing a bandage for me when I needed it (and for being willing to do it again if necessary); checking the Wound when I was nervous about it (I did mention she's a former nurse right?) because I can't really see it; bringing me smoothies, food/groceries, cards and money (from a collection they took up at work.) and spending time with me. Her visits and having company kept me from going insane. And all of that while she's got already so much shit going on in her life outside of working full-time and raising 3 girls.
I've really got so much to be grateful for. In no certain order:
Then it all went to shit.
Day after birthday - Saturday...it started to be really uncomfortable when sitting down.
Sunday...getting worse.
Monday - B took me to Dr...[external] yeast infection? On my butt? WTF? OK, Yay...NOT. Then he took me to the pharmacy (Fine, I'll take the damn pill and use the creams) and back home. (Made up for not having anything waiting for me from B when I got home on my birthday??? Mostly.)
Tuesday - still fucking miserable and then more fun started...I couldn't goddamn pee without...straining is the best word I have for it.
Wednesday - back to Dr. office. J took me (best big brother ever, again.) and hello red ass. Different Dr. (Not resident, real Dr.) says...whoa! Fever over a 102 and area really hard and red. She sent me to hospital.
Hospital
Nurses ...PCA's ...most are angels. The experience is ...humbling. I had to set aside pride BIG time. The word dignity was thought of a lot during this whole hospital experience.
...later that night...Ultrasound. Yes, pretty sure...abscess.
Thursday - Surgery. On my ass. Surreal experience...being "put under" and then waking up and going...WTF? Hole (aka the Wound) in ass deep enough to hold a golf ball (was told that by one of the nurses.)
(Um, Thursday or Friday, I'm sorry I can't remember!) R, K & E came for visit. That was totally awesome. I love them so much!!!
Saturday - Sent home even though still couldn't pee.
Sunday - N (another angel and I'll talk more about her later) came over and changed the bandage for me!)
and later that night...one too many times straining to pee...EXPLOSION of discharge (blood and infection (it has a form?)) ...back to ER (thanks again J!) and again a fever. They got me on a bed to wait on pretty quick after seeing how much I was leaking!) and then oh that fun ER visit ...
This was a whole 'nother experience.
- I could finally pee without straining,
- Dr. who came over from my clinic was told "you have the most beautiful eyes" (and she did, OMG did she ever!)
- Massage. Would I like a massage during this next hospital stay? Are you fucking kidding me? Yes please.
So now...another 3 days of IV's ...but this time around heavy doses of antibiotics, blood pressure checks, bandage changes ...again with a bunch of angels (nurses and PCA's). Another 3 days of asking relative strangers to help me wipe after using the toilet and help me shower. But oh those massages. Her name was Missy. And I got a 45 minute massage 3 days in a row!!!! I truly believe that contributed greatly to the healing that was finally starting.
No visitors this time around. But that was mostly for the best because even though I managed 2 showers, I was feeling ...gross.
Wednesday - home again. Home sweet home. This time around...just keeping wound "bandaged" ....hello surgical pants and Depends!
and it's now like 3 1/2 weeks later and I went to work yesterday (Friday) for the first time in 5 weeks. It was only a 1/2 day but it was enough.
Thankfully Monday is Labor Day and that means a paid day off and slightly shorter work week.
And now, here I am, with a long weekend where I will continue to take it easy and take painkillers and some more antibiotics.
Do I want to talk about the fact that I've only seen B once during this whole ordeal? Do I want to talk about the fact that 4 1/2 of those weeks were unpaid and now I'm fucked financially again? Do I want to talk about how bored I've been being stuck at home, missing out on pedicures, hair appointments, wedding showers and a date with R, K & E? Do I want to talk about how dirty my apartment has gotten?
Not really.
Instead, I'll just have to express so much gratitude for the love, friendship and support I was shown by family, bosses and co-workers and friends.
Especially N. She's been so fucking awesome. Changing a bandage for me when I needed it (and for being willing to do it again if necessary); checking the Wound when I was nervous about it (I did mention she's a former nurse right?) because I can't really see it; bringing me smoothies, food/groceries, cards and money (from a collection they took up at work.) and spending time with me. Her visits and having company kept me from going insane. And all of that while she's got already so much shit going on in her life outside of working full-time and raising 3 girls.
I've really got so much to be grateful for. In no certain order:
- Netflix/Hulu Plus. I've now binge watched "Melissa and Joey" (3 seasons!) and "Arrow" (2 seasons) plus a shitload of episodes of "Chopped". Plus a shitload of movies, most of which I've seen before.
- My brother and his willingness to take me to Dr. appointments without complaint.
- That I still have a job.
- For a source for "happy"
- For my new phone and my kindle. Spending time in bed not so fun w/out something to do.
- For being at a lesser weight than before...even if it hasn't lasted.
- Coborn's Delivers. 'Nuff said.
Is it THAT time again?
Hmm. Interesting lyrics I'm paying attention to right now.
Release You - Johnny Hates Jazz
Losing the fight, closing my eyes
I’d run out of luck and I’d run out of time
The beat of my heart was fading away
The last thing I saw was your beautiful face
You and I, we can’t deny
That we’re still holding on
To everything we thought was yet to be
So I release you, yes I
I've made my peace with you now
It is time to say farewell
Deep inside you know
You've got to let me go
Though I love you with all my might
I must go towards the light
Everyday I watch as you grieve
I know that I must but I don’t want to leave
I call out your name, you stop and you stare
There are only the trees but you know that I’m there
In this dream, the in-between
I wish that I could hold you
But I am just a presence in the wind
So I release you, yes I
I've made my peace with you now
It is time to say farewell
Deep inside you know
You've got to let me go
Though I love you with all my might
I must go towards the light
Through the mist you blow a kiss
And then you walk away
And finally I know that I am free
So I release you, yes I
I've made my peace with you now
It is time to say farewell
Deep inside you know
You've got to let me go
Though I love you with all my might
I must go towards the light
☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯
How do you know when it is time to let something...someone go?
Release You - Johnny Hates Jazz
Losing the fight, closing my eyes
I’d run out of luck and I’d run out of time
The beat of my heart was fading away
The last thing I saw was your beautiful face
You and I, we can’t deny
That we’re still holding on
To everything we thought was yet to be
So I release you, yes I
I've made my peace with you now
It is time to say farewell
Deep inside you know
You've got to let me go
Though I love you with all my might
I must go towards the light
Everyday I watch as you grieve
I know that I must but I don’t want to leave
I call out your name, you stop and you stare
There are only the trees but you know that I’m there
In this dream, the in-between
I wish that I could hold you
But I am just a presence in the wind
So I release you, yes I
I've made my peace with you now
It is time to say farewell
Deep inside you know
You've got to let me go
Though I love you with all my might
I must go towards the light
Through the mist you blow a kiss
And then you walk away
And finally I know that I am free
So I release you, yes I
I've made my peace with you now
It is time to say farewell
Deep inside you know
You've got to let me go
Though I love you with all my might
I must go towards the light
☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯
How do you know when it is time to let something...someone go?
Friday, July 25, 2014
Happy Birthday to Me (Part I?)
It's 3:30am and I should be asleep...I got up about a 1/2 hour ago to "do my business" and couldn't go back to sleep right away so I decided to check my phone...email, texts and FB...looking for the birthday wishes I know are waiting for me (none, none and 7, so far!) and one of the 7 FB birthday wishes was from my uncle Cliffy (he'll always be Cliffy to me, not Cliff)...
What? You say? Your uncle Cliff(y)? You've never mentioned him before. (Well there are a few family member I haven't mentioned but I digress)...
Anyway, as I wrote in my FB message to him (after "Friend request" sent) there is nothing like something really sad happening to re-connect with family. I got a call last Saturday from my brother informing me that my uncle Clinton had passed away.
Now this is perfect description of the whole "threw the baby out with the bathwater" thing...
Many many years ago...decades in fact...my grandfather -the asshole sperm donors father -started to criticize my mothers parenting/character and I wasn't going to stand for it...at the ripe young age of 12 or so, I decided to stop spending time or even talk to my grandparents. In fact I stopped talking to EVERYONE on that side of the family.
My mother may not win any mother of the year awards for the kind of mother she was when I was growing up, but she is MY mother and nobody criticizes her!
I walked away and didn't look back. I buried all of the good memories...spending time at their house with my brother on holidays and during the summer, watching soaps, eating good food, getting presents at Christmas and on my birthday, having a crush on my uncle Cliffy (he was a teenager and the "cutest boy I'd ever seen") and playing with my grandmas dogs, Peppy and Poochie.
I cut them ALL out of my life. The aunts, uncles and cousins from THAT side of the family all because of the only 2 rotten ones in the bunch. Wait, now that I think about it, there may have still been a tiny bit of contact with Clinton but the details are fuzzy at the moment.
My mothers side of the family became even more important because their rottenness was hidden and not directed at my mother and on the surface all was wonderful...wait, not gonna necessarily gonna go there at this time, this is not about them...
Anyhoo....fast forward 20? or so years....my grandpa on THAT side of the family passed away and while I sent my grandma a sympathy card, I didn't go to his funeral or service.
And now here we are and all I can taste is regret that I didn't have a chance to know my uncle Clinton as an adult. I remember him being nice. He was a good guy. And my uncle Cliff? He posted a very nice birthday message on my FB page. Apparently HE'S not holding any grudge (I'm also assuming this since he accepted my friend request) and seems to be still the nice guy I remember him to be too.
So I've already decided I'm going to go the service for him. It's next week and I'm sure it's going to be a very very very emotional night. While it's not about me...it's about celebrating his life...it IS about me letting go of old hurts and embracing family I haven't seen or talked to in years.
*sigh*
OK...now that I've gotten this stuff all down, I think I should try to go back to sleep now. I've got to be up in 4 1/2 hours and get my butt into work. And today will be a FUCKING great day. My co-workers have also already been showing me the birthday love and there will be lots more today. And then tonight...spending time with my BFF's. R, K & E along with N...who yes, has become a BFF.
So woo hoo...hello 44!
What? You say? Your uncle Cliff(y)? You've never mentioned him before. (Well there are a few family member I haven't mentioned but I digress)...
Anyway, as I wrote in my FB message to him (after "Friend request" sent) there is nothing like something really sad happening to re-connect with family. I got a call last Saturday from my brother informing me that my uncle Clinton had passed away.
Now this is perfect description of the whole "threw the baby out with the bathwater" thing...
Many many years ago...decades in fact...my grandfather -the asshole sperm donors father -started to criticize my mothers parenting/character and I wasn't going to stand for it...at the ripe young age of 12 or so, I decided to stop spending time or even talk to my grandparents. In fact I stopped talking to EVERYONE on that side of the family.
My mother may not win any mother of the year awards for the kind of mother she was when I was growing up, but she is MY mother and nobody criticizes her!
I walked away and didn't look back. I buried all of the good memories...spending time at their house with my brother on holidays and during the summer, watching soaps, eating good food, getting presents at Christmas and on my birthday, having a crush on my uncle Cliffy (he was a teenager and the "cutest boy I'd ever seen") and playing with my grandmas dogs, Peppy and Poochie.
I cut them ALL out of my life. The aunts, uncles and cousins from THAT side of the family all because of the only 2 rotten ones in the bunch. Wait, now that I think about it, there may have still been a tiny bit of contact with Clinton but the details are fuzzy at the moment.
My mothers side of the family became even more important because their rottenness was hidden and not directed at my mother and on the surface all was wonderful...wait, not gonna necessarily gonna go there at this time, this is not about them...
Anyhoo....fast forward 20? or so years....my grandpa on THAT side of the family passed away and while I sent my grandma a sympathy card, I didn't go to his funeral or service.
And now here we are and all I can taste is regret that I didn't have a chance to know my uncle Clinton as an adult. I remember him being nice. He was a good guy. And my uncle Cliff? He posted a very nice birthday message on my FB page. Apparently HE'S not holding any grudge (I'm also assuming this since he accepted my friend request) and seems to be still the nice guy I remember him to be too.
So I've already decided I'm going to go the service for him. It's next week and I'm sure it's going to be a very very very emotional night. While it's not about me...it's about celebrating his life...it IS about me letting go of old hurts and embracing family I haven't seen or talked to in years.
*sigh*
OK...now that I've gotten this stuff all down, I think I should try to go back to sleep now. I've got to be up in 4 1/2 hours and get my butt into work. And today will be a FUCKING great day. My co-workers have also already been showing me the birthday love and there will be lots more today. And then tonight...spending time with my BFF's. R, K & E along with N...who yes, has become a BFF.
So woo hoo...hello 44!
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She'll be 2 years in 2 months! Time flies!