Random Thoughts and Updates

1. Holy shit, 8 people read my last post...the one I wrote to B.  The only one I've written to him...I usually just write about him. Thank you. Now I know who 4 of you are, but who are you other 4? Wait, don't tell me. I'm just glad you read a post.

2. I haven't been going to the gym every day for the last couple of weeks. In fact, this week I was really bad. I only went yesterday. I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself but ...or should I? I think I'm just getting discouraged again because the number on the scale isn't budging. In fact, yesterday it was a number higher than last time. I'm beginning to think that I really do have to have to live on lettuce and yogurt...OK, OK, I'm being a bit melodramatic as usual.

*sigh*

No, I really do need to do something about ...my relationship (!) with food. My Dr. has suggested keeping a food diary, more than once, but I haven't been keen on the idea.

Google search result...

http://www.webmd.com/diet/features/can-food-diary-help-you-lose-weight

Hmm. We'll see. I also think maybe I should start thinking about the Emily Program again...

3. I'm totally psyched about going on a short road trip with I a week from this Sunday. We went to dinner last Friday and she told me the bad (but good good for them) news that they're moving back to VA. We had such a good time talking...just picking up right where we left off...and kept talking into the (sort-of wee) hours that I went ahead and followed up on a random comment I had said fairly early on in the conversation...that I would love to go with her on the drive with the dogs, keep her company and all that...

So now after a bit of discussion on Tuesday, it's a go. I've already gotten the day off after approved (it's a Monday) and the plan will be that we'll leave early Sunday morning and arrive Monday morning and then I'll fly home that afternoon (ah, the joys of working for an airline!) (Then again, we get a fresh batch of PPT on Tuesday so who knows what'll happen!)

I'm really looking forward to it. She's great company and we keep discovering things we have in common.

With her help, I've now read the entire "Hunger Games" trilogy (and speaking of "The Hunger Games" I've got R to thank for getting me interested in it in the first place by recommending and watching the first movie with me the last time we had our "date") and have discovered we also both love J.D. Robb. We both have great taste in clothing, food and music.

She was afraid I'd be bored...but I have a feeling, bored moments will be few and far between.

(oooh, I should look up some great getting to know you questions....)

And who are we kidding...this is going to be an adventure for me. I don't think I've ever been on a road trip this long before.

4. My first week of vacation is coming up in April and I have no idea what I'm going to do...other than set up a day to spend with R/K & E...maybe babysit him for a bit for the first time.

5. B is on his annual vacation right now and while I'm happy for him...he needs the break...he deserves a break...I miss him like crazy. He's such an intergral part of my life ...talking to him everyday and just knowing he's there...now giving me a reminder to not take him for granted.

6. Going to spend some more time with the parent's this weekend. Mom wants to clean out her closet again (mmm, more clothes for me?? : ) ) ...this will make it 2 weekends in a row...I got a call last Saturday morning, Mom asking if I wanted to go to lunch...I said "sure"...we ended up at the Outback and it turns out she needed some cheering up (and I now realize she needed to "go out") because they weren't going to the convention in Rochester. It was nice (and not just because Pop bought my lunch) and then I drove us back to their place. Yup, me. With an expired DL. Pop had 2 tall beers at lunch and didn't want to drive inebriated. Thankfully we just went on side streets and got us back to their place safely.

...this reminds me, yeah, I'll be going to renew my license on Friday ...the Friday before I go on this road trip. We haven't talked about whether or not I'll drive too but I should be prepared.

Anyhoo...I did Mom's nails when we got back. She really enjoys being pampered. I should pamper her more often...

7. My brother lent me one of his laptops. (He had just picked up a 2nd one from a guy off of Craigslist.) I gave him mine and asked him for help in getting it fixed. I don't quite know yet if that was the smartest decision or the dumbest. I'm going to go with smartest. He's been making some better choices the last couple of years. I've got to trust him.

Aaaaand I think that's about it.

For now.

Happy Birthday My Love.

I Can't Imagine

You know I wonder where I'd be if not for you
I'd still be wandering through this world without a clue
At night I wake up and look across the bed
And you'd never dream the crazy things
running through my head

I can't imagine,
my journey through this world without you
not loving everything about you
I've searched my heart and soul
how could there ever be a greater love than ours?

I can't imagine..

I want to wrap you like a present in my arms
Give you to myself and keep you safe from harm
My every moment devoted to your kiss
I don't even want to think about surviving
without you there

I can't imagine,
my journey through this world without you
not loving everything about you
I've searched my heart and soul
how could there ever be a greater love than ours?

I can't imagine,
sharing my life with any other
not making love to you
I can't imagine..
I've searched my heart and soul
how could there ever be a greater love than ours?

Let me tempt you and deliver
let me make you feel the ocean roar
I'll make your blood run like the river
how could a man feel better than this
or ever love you more?

I can't imagine,
my journey through this world without you
not loving everything about you
I've searched my heart and soul
how could there ever be a greater love than ours?
I can't imagine..

 

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

 

I never realized how much the lyrics of this song were so spot on. Oh sure, I loved the song and thought of you but in reading them over as I post this...well, they really are quite appropriate. 

 

I'm so glad your family is celebrating your birthday tonight and just yours alone this time. You deserve all the love and respect that you deserve. You do so much for everyone else, it's about time they showed you some love. 

 

And I can't wait to see you again to show you how much I love you too.

What Next?

I've been spending a lot of time and money lately on getting my house in order...literally.

Today was a good day. Highlights include getting the new bed delivered. And John, the handyman, putting up a towel rack in the bathroom and putting up a paper towel holder.

Swasome. (New word...combination of sweet and awesome.)

Staying Positive.

I've got tendonitis in my wrist and typing hurts like a m*fucker.

But I have to realize that the key to survival sometimes (most of the time?) is staying positive.

Life really is good right now.

Money makes life good right now.

Between my paychecks (when working all of my hours and/or having paid time off, I LOVE them), my federal refund and profit sharing, I've been going a little crazy.

I told you about buying a new bed and hopefully it's being delivered tomorrow...we're getting like another fucking foot of snow tonight. Bloody hell.

Poor B. That man works so hard, juggles a million balls and still makes time for me. And this particular winter has been brutal.

Anyway, where was I?

Oh yeah, life is good.

I'm sure I should be doing the grown up thing and saving most of this money and/or paying off the rest of the little debt I have (student loan from my Horst (now known as Aveda Institute) days is the worst of it) but I'm getting a lot of pleasure out of making my home more...homey.

I guess it always comes back to my "nest" and making it as nice and comfortable as I can since I spend so much time there.

So I might be going a wee bit crazy. But I don't think on frivolous stuff. It's functional stuff. Hooks and hangers and hampers. That kind of thing. Oh OK and maybe a new set of plates and bowls. While I'm grateful that Judy gave me the dishes when she did, they are ...ugly.

So I think I will just embrace the madness and then get to learning what it's like to save money next.  I know it's up to me and I can do it. I can be successful.

...Speaking of ...well, not necessarily success but just something awesome...

I get to travel for company business next week and I am psyched. I didn't know how much I wanted to until it happened!

There's going to be this workshop in Atlanta next Thursday that will have participants from both group offices, management, Revenue Management, etc. and we'll be talking about how to work ...better all together.

This is a good opportunity for me to check my attitude about the other office. Granted, they have a lot of idiots down there but there are a few good folks and it's time we threw positivity at the issue of "North" vs "South" for a change.

I'm excited and I hope good things come out of it in terms of things that happen in reality and not just theory.

I almost wonder if I shouldn't read through all of those documents on my desk on the various policies and procedures and start thinking of ideas and/or questions...Hmm.

Well anyway.

Yeah, life is good. 

Love...2014

What a great day it's been so far. I got to spend some quality time with my love this morning and then this afternoon, I went and showed myself some love by investing in my comfort...I bought a new bed.

But back to this morning.

I'm so lucky I've got someone in my life who loves me just as I am. Someone who lets me be me ...even as I'm still finding out who I am. I've got someone who has endless amounts of patience while I figure it all out.

And what's awesome also is that not only am I shown the love on this holiday but I'm shown the love all the time, in various ways, some small, some not so small.

I was reminded tonight that one of the many good things about our relationship is that when we're not together, we still like each other. We care and it shows in our conversations.

And I really know I'm loved. (Let's not get into why I sometimes find that hard to believe right now.)

And I've got so much other love in my life with my family and friends.

I was telling K recently that my life is good...really good and I wasn't wrong. (I'm going be dog and house sitting again for her this summer...Yippee!)

I've still got work to do, physically and financially but I'm feeling optimistic and know if I can just keep putting one foot in front of the other that I can keep making my life better and clear the way for more good things to come in to it.

And then, there was bed shopping.

Pop took me and insisted on The Original Mattress Factory. And while at first I thought it might be a mistake to just go only place, it turned out to be a good decision. I was Goldilocks and I found one that seems just right. 

I hate that I have to wait a week for it. BUT ...this way I have time to prepare...I'm going to have to move a dresser out. And wash the new sheets.  And clear out the nightstand. And hang up the pictures.

And how fucking lucky am I that I work where I work and we have this little thing called "profit sharing."

Yup. My life is good. And I've got good people in it. And I've got love.

And let me end with a little song dedication to my love, B.

Sweet wonderful you,
You make me happy with the things you do,
Oh, can it be so,
This feeling follows me wherever I go.

I never did believe in miracles,
But I've a feeling it's time to try.
I never did believe in the ways of magic,
But I'm beginning to wonder why.

Don't, don't break the spell,
It would be different and you know it will,
You, you make loving fun,
And I don't have to tell you that you're the only one.

Oooh . . . you make loving fun. (It's all I wanna do.)
Oooh . . . you make loving fun. (It's all I wanna do.)
Oooh . . . you make loving fun. (It's all I wanna do.)

Because this is NOT as good as it gets.

It's better and it keeps getting better.

I think I just came across the next book I need to read as I evolve into this...new (maybe just improved?) person I'm trying to become with the exercise and eating...better.

Lose The Diet: Transform Your Body By Connecting With Your Soul.  

by Kathy Balland (Author)

and this was one person had to say in their review that said things the way I didn't know I wanted them said on the whole matter of where I'm at...

"I have long believed that the weight battle is not fought on the scale, or in the kitchen or at the supermarket, but in our minds.

I've been overweight for 20 years and morbidly obese for 14 of those. Yet, surprisingly perhaps, I haven't been on many diets. See, I knew that diets don't work. Instead I've been trying for the last three years to change to a healthy lifestyle that will not only return me to a normal weight, but heal some health problems.

... for some reason or the other, I would always start sabotaging myself after a while. This used to drive me crazy! Why can't I allow myself to feel good and get healthy? I knew it had a lot to do with my upbringing, my poor self-esteem and my need to rebel at every turn."

OMG. "singing my words"...

So OK. I think I'll dive in.

These changes I'm making are changes that I must embrace every single day of my life, in one way or another. It doesn't mean I won't occassionally have a "bad" day (er, Thursday/Friday pizza - ate the whole thing & Saturday chips (ate the whole bag) and salsa.) but I'm having good days too. 

So another week is approaching and another week where I will just go to the fitness center everyday  (because it's just what I do) and I will put together fairly healthy foods to bring for lunch.

So OK, yeah, let's look at it from the emotional, mental side of things and see where that takes me next. 

Well, this is a first.

I'm writing this while someone else is in the room with me.

I've made a new friend. Scary but cool.

N (work) and I are now hanging out for the 2nd time this month. Last Saturday we went to her place and ate pizza, got happy, drank a little & watched some Sex and The City and had just a fucking awesome time.

She's hanging out for a bit...was supposed to have a date with this guy and this was his 3rd Strike after breaking 2 previous  dates.

In regards to her "date"...here's my philosophy...courtesy of an episode of SATC...he's just not that into you.

Someone who's not that into you won't make time for you no matter how fucking crazy their schedule is.

I know firsthand.

God, I love B so much. He's such a good man and takes care of so many people including me. And I love that he loves being a dad and is a good dad. His daughter is so lucky to have him.

Oh...where was I? Oh yeah, N.

She's texting another man who's she's got a ...complicated relationship with. And texting 2 other guys friends of hers. She's juggling a lot of men and I'm trying to have her benefit from the wisdom gained from some of my experiences. Sometimes it gets through to her, sometimes it doesn't (e.g. she thought she had to have it all figured out by now. Crazy!!!!)

But she's on her own journey in regards to her relationships and love.

She's really been a good friend to me so far. We're "gym buddies" at work. Yes, I said "gym buddies". After joining the gym at work (on the last Friday of 2013) I finally went for my orientation and started the new routine last week. I go everyday at lunch, instead of going to lunch (and that is where I learned how fucking long 10 minutes is.)

I have to be patient with myself in this...much as I might want to do everything because I'm in a hurry to get to the part where I start losing weight...I have to remember it won't happen overnight (and it certainly won't happen until my eating habits improve... :P ) and I have to focus on how I feel physically and that is what will keep me going. I did feel better physically even if that feeling was tired. It was a good kind of tired.

And I think I'm also going to look at other ways to get back in touch with my body. I've been out of touch with it for a while now.

I decided to put the BED issue on the back-burner for now and I canceled my appointments with the therapist. I think I'm going to try "physical" therapy for a change.